Paul Blart 3: Shrek 5
Chapter 2: red alert in theater 3
we find ourselves in hollywood hills where the local police had the house surrounded for roughly an hour and 12 minutes and tension was so hot you couldnt cut it with a plastic fork becuase itd melt first. FBI BAU team detective and proud stoner Spencer Reid pull up to the crime scene, take a quick tug of dank from a glass weed pipe, and get the intel from the chief. "so what the fuck is goin on here and why are you wasting my time with your local police bullshit, I need the facts or someones getting fuckin knocked out big time." the local detectives are intimidated and shaken. finally one brave man steps forward "well dr. reid, we are in front of the household of michael myers, voice actor of shrek in shrek, shrek 2, shrek the third, shrek forever after (thats the foruth on) and the short films. it would appear that he is being held hostage by eddie murphy who voices the donkey character in shrek, shrek 2, shrek the third, shrek forever after (the 4th one) an all the specials over some kind of dispute over shrek 5s ending that eddie wasnt aware of. we need a profile of eddie murphy and michael myers right now." Spencer Reid looks at the way the car is parked, and using his intelligence figures something out. He starts motioning the officers in closer, and hes like "Okay, I'm ready to deliver the profile, an its worse than i fucking thought. shrek 5 was going to be the biggest blockbuster of the year, an we already had a few critics rate it poorly, and 3 commited suicide. whatever went down with shrek 5 was a fucking set up, and according to my profile on eddie murphy that i developed, he wouldn't be holding michael myers hostage unless it was justified. call all ur local police dept, and tell them to brace themselves for the premiere at 7pm of shrek 5 across the country. this could easily be the biggest riot this sountry has ever saw, were gonna need all the top brass, the national guared and even mall cops on duty for when this movie premiers. their is a 7pm showing. as for eddie murphy and michael myers, i guess well i will take it from here. i really hope they dont accidentaly kill eachother tho because id love to eventually see a shrek 6 movie get made and they are both key voice actors. i am gonna go in there and use my negotiation skills to figure out what happened. see you guys later go protect the town from the riots." as the vice cops all drive out an FBI BAU team detective spencer reid pulls out a joint that is pretty fat and ponders while looking at it. "AUUUUUUUUUGHHGHGHH! FUCKING HELP ME THIS GUYS GONNA KILL ME!" rings out from the house. Spencer Reid is like holy shit this is bad. im gonna need alot more 420 if im gonna get those two to stop fighting.
Spencer Reid calls up Kavin hart on his mobile phone. "whats up big k can a playboy get some of that strong kush delivered to michael myers house asap" he asked desperatly. "hahahaha. sure thing dr. reid ur my favorite customer an i just so happen to be right next door cause im michael myers neighbor" reids like hmm that is strange but doesnt think too hard on it. within 2 minutes spencer has around 2 pounds of weed and is ready to make his move. he kicks in the door, where eddie murphy is standing there with a gun to mike myers head. "okay eddie murphy do not shoot that man." eddie murphys eyes get big, and he laughs..."i would never hurt a single living thing dr. reid and you know it. my biggest surprise is that you even thought this was a hostage situation." michael myers at this point is trying to escape but can't he wimpers "please dont fucking do this eddie, please. it wasn't my fault." Reid was finally fed the fuck up. "SOMEBODY tell me what the FUCK is going on right now!" eddie murphy grinned and moved his revolver from mike myers head to his own. spencer reid is completely shocked in a bid of hope he throws eddie murphy the weed and he lights it up like a pro, he also throws mike myers some to but michael cant figure out how to light it up for some reason than eventuially lights it the wrong way. eddie murphy then prepares to speak
"I appreciate all ur effort dr. spencer reid, but at this point its too fucking late. at first i didnt know what was going on. shrek 5 was gonna put me and mike myers back on the map. then one day it fucking happened. mike lost interest and faith in the franchise and backed down to the executive producer over the plot, walking me into a fucking hornets nest. my career, as well as mikes is god as garbage now." Spencer was like "dude u need to calm the fuck down. im with the fbi an i can fix this for real" and eddie screams back "NO YOU FUCKING CANT MAN. Shrek is DEAD and so is DONKEY, i dont know who it is thats doing it but somebody wanted shrek franchise 6 feet under and they pulled it off" Spencer was like holy shit this is worse than i thought. there was about to be 50 to a 100 million people leaving those theatres with hell to pay when they find this out. his focus shifted to michael tho. "So you think this is a fucking game michael? where do u fit into all this? actually, lets face the facts... we already know where you fit into this." before mike can say like a word Spencer pulls out his 44 magnum and shoots Mike in the head like 10 fucking times. Only problem is, blood doesn't come out of mikes head, wiring, bolts, nails and computer chips do because he was a robot.
"you got any idea what they did with the real mike myers?" spencer asks eddie. "unfortunately not, happened about six months ago, mike disappeared and when he reappeared i knew he had been replaced with a powerful robot. i couldnt trust any vice cops and thats why i held him hostage to get u to show up and help me out." Spencer nods in appreciation and eddie passes him the joint. spencer takes a drag an is like "way i see it, its 6:45 and that movie premiers at 7pm. we have about one hour before this house gets raided by angry shrek fans. were gonna bag up the robot so they dont know where onto them, i'm gonna send some fellow agents to get your family out of the country. you and me are gonna disguises and go undecover until we figure out whos behind this... this may be the biggest terror attack this country has ever seen." eddie murphy nodded and they quickly started gathering up the robotoic pieces to hide in the trunk. spencer reid continues "right now ur safety is number one, u probably have all the clues we need to solve this case. without u this country is fucked." eddie sighed and rolled his eyes. "i think its to late spence. in another 25 minutes this hole country is gonna be after me, and even then we dont know were mike is being held captive. how are we gonna stay hidden long enough to solve the case?" spencer laughed. "eddie i dont think you realise my skillset, this is just another day on the front lines of justice. an to answer your question, were going to be hiding alright... hiding in PLAIN SIGHT" and spencer flipped on his right blinker and ramped over the median of the highway landing right in front of a movie intercity movie theatre that is in the same mall as the one paul blart works at. he tosses him a wig. "smoke up and lets go, were gonna get 2 tickets to the center of the abiss.
paul blart and his son just pulled into the theatre on the segway. as usual his mall cop instincts kicked in. every violation and questionable behavior was illuminated to him. teens smoking cigaretts and drinking beers. a squabble between mallrats was at six o clock. he was about to serve justice, but then he remembered. 'forget about it, they dont pay me enough when im on the clock i sure as shit aint gettin paid enough when im off the clock' and he walked him an his son into the mall. just as paul blarts instincts were begining to kick off and dissipate something caught his eye. when ur a mall cop for as long as paul blart you know how to spot government agents, especially when there world famous like dr. spencer reid. he was with a beautiful women, but after noticing eddie murphys signature moustache he realised that he might be walking into something BIG. They were obviously strapped up to the teeth. automatic weapons, possible grenades, and bulletproof vests. for a moment he thought about turning around and coming back for the 9pm showing, but when he looked at his son in the eyes he knew it would kill him, not to mention the disguises were so good that any non law enforcement person wouldnt be able to ID them. so he figured hed take a chance and walked right in. this decision would change the world as we knew it.
it was around then a large police force came bursting in to the theater guns blazin, "HEY WE NEED TO SPEAK TO MALL COP FOR COORDINATION, I EITHER NEED TO TALK TO PAUL BLART OR PAUL BLARTS SUPERVISOR AMMEDIATELY. THIS IS NOT A TEST." paul blart rolls his eyes. "easy there tubbs. im off duty you fuckin asshole. supervisors probably rubbin one off in the bathroom or jackin off in the office. go talk to him. im with my SON" the cop was definitly pissed off. he tilted his head to the side, spit right on the floor, and stared blart right in the fucking eyes. "whatever happened to the paul blart i knew from before...the paul blart from paul blart mall cop 1 & 2? ya know the man im lookin at sure as shit aint him. the real paul blart stood for somethin... stood for justice." paul blart burst out with crazy eyes with a very stern look, "listen here detective donut-head, i just wanna see shrek 5 with my GODDAMN son, justice died along with my marriage a half hour ago. back the fuck off!" the cop shook his head and made a mean smirk, "whatever you say blart. have a good time at shrek five motherfucker..." blart and his son walked in to theatre 3 for the world premiere of shrek 5 to change the course of history forever...