Paul Blart 3: Shrek 5
Chapter 3: Shrek 5 by Christofer Nolan
so at this point you already know that shrek 5 is a set up. well in this chapter u get to see exactly how bad it truthfully is. paul blart adn his son walk up into the theatre an its packed like sardines with all kind of celebrity, people of all creedence an colors and shrek fans are there just basically getting jacked up on shrek juice, a promotional drink that like the theaters are selling as a cross promotional. its basically this energy drink by the same company that makes those 99 cent energy beverages called rip its, an its pretty good. "hell yeah man, this shrek juice is a perfect rememedy to my cotton mouth" eddie murphy says, he is one seat away from paul blart. paul blart is not exactly 420 friendly but eddie murphy is a celebrity so he doesnt really care. "whatever works dude, lets just shrek it out" paul blart says and he winks at eddie murphy. eddie squints at paul blart and deductes that paul blart is the mall cop from the first two movies. "thank fuckin god dude, I am sittin next to paul blart and fbi bau team specialist and stoner spencer reid, whenever this theater turns into a riot and or mass shooting ill probably be safe" eddie murphy thinks to himself. the lights go down, an like almost immediately eddie murphy gulps in fears.
the first few previews were really fuckin stupid. nothing really interesting, a trailer for a new marvel movie comes on and not really anybody even cares cause of how jacked they are for shrek 5. theirs like 3 new kevin heart movies coming out tho which tugs and jerks paul blarts heartstrings b/c he knows kevin hart is probably having some kind of exotic sexual intervourse with his wife. paul blart pretty much only ever tried missionary and was a good christian white man in the bedroom. *sighs* "i always had to be the nice guy, the good guy, and now im getting cuckolded by one of the biggest comedians and drugs dealers that there ever was, some luck dude" paul blart thinks to himself. finally the dreamworks intro comes on and the whole audience like shits themselfs in applause. shrek 5 is descendin upon the masses. suddenly it says like "DIRECTED BY CHRISTOFER NOLANS" across the screen... im not sure if u guys are like understanding who that is, so let me explain: christian nolan is a director most known for making really fucking stupid shitty gloomy movies that are so bad people like see then and go like holy shit and shoot up the movie theater after realizing they wasted money on a ticket. it happened like twice now with his batman movies that LITERALLY cost us heath ledgers life, and now again with that other movie he made called trainwreck that is a trainwreck. basicaly if you wanna fuck up a franchise an turn it into some kind of piss poor sad story just call christian bale up an BOOM goodbye franchise. now i just wanna just describe what happens during the movie. anyways:
the camera pans down like from starting in the clouds to shreks bedroom window. the room looks like shit, amnd shrek is in boxers sleeping with liquor bottles and shit scattered all over the cuts to a picture of shrek and fiona and the kids in a frame picture, and the glass is shattered to shit, and has blood on the frame from where shrek punched it for some reason. shrek stirs himself awake, an like pulls out a cigarett from a pack on the table, lights it up, and takes a long drag. "FUCK!" he said. shakes his head and spits out a loogie that is outrageously toxic and he actually gags a few time his house is grey and even tho its daytime the overcast sky makes it look shitty. he has pissed himself in the night, and the worst part is he does not even care. he just walks out of the house. and saunters down the shittiest street u ever seen.
"SHREK! STOP RIGHT THERE BRO ITS ME DONKEY AND I HAVE GOOD NEW" and the donkey run right over and start following him. "ugh what kind ooh good news do ye have DANKEY?" shrek say. donkey responds "well shrek i sold of my stable and used all the money to invest in to an amazing multi level marketing company as a distrubtor, its a company called ItWorks and its basically like sellin energy drinks, body wrap, and fat fighter vitamins not apparoved by the FDA or medical field to sell to post pregnant woman to allegedly help them get into shape and its hugely popular. some people make pretty good money and if u can sign up distributors into your downline you make amazing money doing virtually nothing. i started a tumblr twitter and facebook and even register a website to promote my business. it only cost me 200$ to get started, and its gonna change my life shrek! this is are big chance to get out of this horrible rut that we have been stuck in" donkey says. shrek looks at donkey for like 2 minutes and then rolls his eyes an is like "aye u are a fuckin dumb one aintcha doinkey, u just bought into a pyramid scheme that is probably not going to be the talk o' de town much longa! ur days are over dankey u bankrupted urself over a scheme! im an oger and even aye know thayt!" donkey is like realized very quickly that he made a horrible mistake. "FUCK!" says donkey. "hahahahha you are such a dumb fuckin dankey! see u round bitch" shrek says as he saunters off.
as shrek gets to his destination we see that it is a liquore store and that princess fiona is out front of it with a cigarette an a scowl. "what the fuck do u want you god damn bum" fiona say to shrek. shrek sighs and is like "welll considering ur my wife i would very much enjoy making love to you and not being so distance from eachother what happened to are marriage" fiona sighs, "listen shrek, i know the job market has sucked cock since the fourth movie an since you saved the world there hasnt been any work for you in this fantasy land, but that doesnt pay the bills, you know how much it costs for me to sleep with a john in the dumpster out back, and just because ur my husband dont mean you get it for free." at this point the audience gasp, because like they just found out fiona is a liquor store prostitute which is a pretty dark turn for the shrek series to take, even for christofer nolan. "HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO SHREK SINCE SHREK 4" screams a random person in the theatre, "shit it is about to begin, i need to brace myself and hope paul blart can help me keep this theatre calmed down for the duration of the film" dr. spencer reid thinks to himself...
"Sit your ass down buddy, my sons trying to enjoy this film and you are interrupting it, dont make me come over there and bop you in the beak" paul blart shouts at the man. The man is like scowling and shaking his head and sweating in a powerful rage. paul blart did his best to stare him down an scare him off but this guy was over the limit with anger. "yeah, you and what fucking army you fatboy" says the man as he pulls out a revolver. "holny shit this is bad, were only like 5 to 25 minutes into the movie an we already have are first movie theater shooter" thinks spencer reid to himself. paul blart is scared as fuck at this point because he doesnt carry guns on him. The guy with the gun laughs "hahaha! I am gonna be famous for this! see you all in hell and closes his eyes and is about to shoot paul blart! BANG! he fires the gun and it enters paul blarts stomach and goes in one side and out the other. its a pretty hardcore wound, but paul blart IS NOT fatally injured. *BANG-BANG-BANG* immediately follows the shot, it is spencer reid unloading an armor piercing AR-15 directly into the shooter, his head completely explodes. the whole theater applauds cause they are fucking pumped to keep watchin shrek 5 uninterrupted. Spencer Reid pulls out a megaphone, an chuckles like tst ands says"HEY CHACHI! CLEAN UP IN THEATER 3, we got a shrek movie to watch" and he sits back down. Paul Blart looks at his son than at spencer reid smirks and nods approvingly "hell yeah man, way to keep the shrek 5 going" and spencer reid is like "hell yeah no problem paul blart, you took that gun shot like a man, rub some dirt on it buddy" and paul blart is like "heh, good one chief but plrease, be quiet dumbass im tryin to watch shrek 5 with my son", and they both fist bump as the movie ushers drag the corpse out of the theater.
it may seem like a crisis aversion that only paul blart took a minor gun shot wound in this attack, but the theater is totally full up and the movie is not even that far along so theres gonna be plenty more probably, because shrek 5 so far really fuckin sucks. only times will tell what lies ahead for are heroes in chapter 4.