After I got home from the bowling alley, my thoughts were filled with Rachel and Finn. Ugh, that image is about as appealing as a big bowl of crusty grits with lumps of ass à la cart. I can't let him get his sweaty paws he calls hands on my girl. I need to speak to her and warn her that his wand is like a Ronald Weasley; it always cast too soon and shoots in the wrong direction. Mine is the Elder Wand! Stupefy bitches without saying a word!

I jump up from the bed and change into my newly proclaimed lucky X-Men boxers and khaki skinny jeans and a light colored Paramore t shirt, completed with a shark tooth necklace. I tie up my vans blue and white vans and run downstairs with a purpose. I spot mom and dad snuggled up on the couch watching Mob Wives while making their own commentary and laughing at it.

"Mom, Rachel lives in the blue house right? The one with the brown windows?" I ask as casually as I can. Play it cool, they won't ask questions. Dad raises his eyebrows and looks over at mom with a smile pulling at his lips. Mom swats his chest and looks at me with that one eyebrow.

"I'm not sure, why?" she asks, just as casually. Dad hides a snicker behind his hand. I glare at him and look back at Mom to answer her question.

"Well, um, I need to talk to her." I clear my throat in awkwardness.

"About what?" I see that darned tilt in her lip so I know she's trying not to smirk.

"Stuff."

"What stuff?"

"Stuff, Mom, jeez!" I huff. They're wasting the time that could be spent convincing Rachel to have my babies.

"Cameron, if I didn't know any better, I'd say our daughter has a crush on a Gorgeous Berry." They burst out laughing and I cross my arms, tapping my foot impatiently. "Oh I'm sorry, Quinn. I mean to say Rachel first then gorgeous!" He sends them into another round of cackles. I knew that would bite me in the ass.

I walk off into the neighborhood, hoping Rachel was home. I go five houses down across the street and see Rachel's house with the lights on. I knock firmly on the door but as soon as the sandy haired man answers the door, my confidence evaporates. "Um, hi, Mr. Berry. I'm here to see if Rachel is home?"

"Hello, Quinn. Call me Hiram." He smiled before he turned around and yelled for Rachel on the stairs. "Come in, she'll be down in a minute." He then led me to the living room to wait.

A minute later, Rachel came down the stairs in the shortest shorts known to man and a tank top. Quinn Kong started to wake up. "H-hi, Rachel! I'm Quinn in case you don't remember from last night." I chuckled and rubbed the back of my neck nervously.

"I remember. You got in that fight over pizza today at the bowling alley." She raises an eyebrow in amusement.

"Ha ha! Um, that was Santana's fault. And I wouldn't call it a fight per say. Just a disagreement." I explain.

"It was still over a pizza." She chuckled. Oh Lord! Was that a choir of angels?

"Oh! I wanted to thank you for that by the way. You really helped us out. That was a great idea, pretty smart actually." I ran my hand through my hair trying to ease my nervousness.

"Is that what you're here for? To thank me?" She crosses her arms, causing her boobs to rise. Stay still Kong, your time will come.

"Yes and I wanted to see if we could be friends." I smile and stuff my hand s in my pockets, rocking back on my heels. Her expression is contemplating before she nods slightly. I beam back at her small smile.

"Are you thirsty?" She asks as she motions for me to flow her to the kitchen. Water, no. For you, hell yeah, I'm parched!

"Yeah, my throats a little dry" I say distractedly as I watch her hips as she saunters off in front of me. As my eyes were glued to that glorious ass, I failed to look where I was going and hit the corner of the table directly on my balls. I don't register the pain for a moment because it went numb. Suddenly, I fell to my knees as a searing pain rang all through my body starting at my groin and the bottom of my stomach.

"AHHHHHHH!" I squealed like a five year old. I was rolling around on the floor clutching my balls. Lord, please don't let my new dick fall off!

"Quinn?" Rachel rushed to my side and kneeled down next to me as her dads come barreling down the stairs with a baseball bat and a shot gun. "What happened?"

I can't answer for a while because I'm wheezing and coughing. "The… corner of… the table!"

"I don't understand, Quinn. What happened?!" Rachel asked in a panicked voice. She says my name so pretty and I'll never be able to hear it bed because I broke my dick! Whyyyyyyy? The thought of not being able to fuck has me sobbing my heart out on their pretty, expensive rug.

"MY DICK! I BROKE MY DICK!" I scream in a panicked soprano. Any surprise they have at me having a penis vanishes in an instant as the men rush forward and Rachel gives me a worried look while she grazes my dick as she stands up to get her dad to help me. The first time she touches my dick and I almost black out from the pain of it twitching. This is one big ball of WHAT THE FUCK!

Hiram runs over to me, dropping the baseball bat to the side. "Quinn? We're going to need to go to your house okay? Can you walk?"

"Noooo! I- hic- can't br-breatheeeeee!" I wail. I just my fucking luck, I'm going to die a virgin without seeing Rachel naked outside of my frequent dreams.

He has Leroy pick me up and carry me to my house, my curses and cries altering the neighborhood of our presence. Rachel knocks on the door looking back at me with a small frown.

"Hello- Quinn, what the hell happened?" Dad says as he takes in my snotty nosed form curled up in a tall black man's chest.

"Daddy, I broke it..." I whisper pitifully. He looks from me to Rachel so she can elaborate.

"Quinn and I were going to get some water and somehow she didn't notice the table in the middle on the floor and hit her, um, penis." She says coolly.

"Aw shit, Q Bug. Come on, I got you." He said scooping me up from Leroy's arms. "CAMERON! COME DOWN HERE!" He calls up the stair as he moves to lay me on the couch. Mom stops halfway down the stairs when she catches sight of me but runs the rest of the way and rushes to feel my forehead. Wrong head, Mom!

They tell her what happens and her hand flies to her mouth. I weep as I hear her mutter an 'oh God'. I know what that means! It's bleeding and shriveled up to Finn size.

"Quinn, stop being such a pussy, it's probably just bruised." Dad says in a comforting voice and hands me and ice pack. Just bruised? JUST BRUISED?! Did he not know that my brand new dick is now scarred! It was perfect! I bet it would have won first prize at any fair, and now it's 'just bruised'. These fuckers just don't get it, do they? I had a theory that if Rachel saw my pink pelican, she'd be compelled to lick it. Now I can't show her my pink pelican because it's broken and bruised, and the petting zoo is closed forever! What is life? Not a life with a pretty- you know what? Fuck it. Just fuck it... fuck it all.

"Thanks for bringing her home." Mom says gratefully to the Berries. "We're going to take a look at it and we'll see you in the morning." She smiles. No! Rachel! Don't go, kiss it better! I can only watch with sad eyes as they say good-bye and wave. It only made it worse when Leroy blocked my view by going behind her. The only thing that made it better was the worried look Rachel sent me before she left.