SEVENTEEN

I will not bow

I will not break

I will shut the world away

I will not fall

I will not fade

I will take your breath away

And I'll survive; paranoid

I have lost the will to change

And I am not proud, cold-blooded fake

I will shut the world away

- "I Will Not Bow," Breaking Benjamin

It was a warm evening in early fall and Loki was furious.

With himself, that was.

Why couldn't he just tell Alana that he loved her, that she had saved him, that he needed her? Was he too afraid of rejection?

Apparently, he was.

He impatiently paced back and forth, trying not to scuff the hardwood floors.

Alana had decided that they should go out to dinner in celebration of two months of not killing each other.

It was a mark of how their relationship had evolved that this didn't make Loki want to kill her.

In fact, it made him laugh.

She had made a reservation at a restaurant and apparently, it was a bit more formal than usual, so he was wearing a pair of black slacks and a dark green V-neck shirt and a black sport coat.

He paced some more, wondering why Alana wasn't downstairs yet.

Of course, he didn't mind.

That meant he could worry a bit more about how to tell her he loved her.

Alana was trying to hurry. She was.

But a little part of her mind kept trying to make her look pretty.

She was trying to squelch it, but it was winning.

She was wearing black jeans (the easiest thing to decide on) and had finally chosen a deep cranberry-colored strappy top. Her hair hung in loose waves around her shoulders.

She wasn't comfortable with being pretty. She hadn't tried to make herself look pretty in a long time.

But now the traitorous voice in her head kept telling her that she would regret it otherwise.

She finally managed to subdue the voice and finished, pulling on a pair of gray suede ballet flats that she hadn't worn in years.

Why did she even want to go to a formal-ish restaurant in the first place, again?

Because you want a chance to look good for Loki, that's why, the voice laughed snidely.

Shut up, she thought and headed downstairs.

Loki was still pacing when he heard a slight cough coming from the stairs.

He turned to the stairs and froze in awe.

Alana was standing at the top, looking more beautiful than any of the goddesses on Asgard.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Oh, yes. Just… hungry, I suppose," he said quickly.

She nodded, smiling and said, "Me too. I'm famished."

As she descended the stairs, it was as if he was seeing her for the first time again.

Her gray eyes sparkled with excitement and her long hair flowed down her back.

He wanted to kiss her so badly.

But he resisted the urge and instead offered her his arm.

She laughed, saying, "Are we being all fancy then?" but she took it anyway, looping her arm around his.

"Of course," he said mischievously. "After all, we are going to a formal-ish dinner."

Dinner had been wonderful, and not because of the food.

They had come home at around eight, and Alana had tried to make a milkshake and it had splattered all over the walls.

He had pulled off his jacket and helped her clean it off, laughing together about her incompetence at handling food. Then, Alana had curled up on the couch, with him sitting next to her, one arm on the back of the sofa and reading over her shoulder

He felt the happiest that he had been in years.

And if she was acting this way, than maybe, just maybe, she had feelings for him too.

Remember Oliver, said a part of his mind. She has someone else. Someone else kisses her and holds her and that is the one whom she loves. Not you. Never you. Go back to Asgard and take back what was yours! Take back your throne!

Forget this mortal girl.

He sighed and stood up, walking away from Alana, running his hand through his hair.

Despite his treacherous thoughts, he knew he needed her more than ever.

Alana saw his torment. She didn't know why, but she knew she had to try and help him somehow, so she stood up too, placing a hand on his shoulder, causing him to stop in his tracks.

She asked him gently, "What's wrong?"

Loki seemed to wrestle with something, hesitating in a way that was very unlike him.

"Please," she said.

He let out a sigh. "Alana…" Loki said softly, turning around to face her, "I need your help."

"What do you need?" she asked, her gaze fixed to his, unable to pull her eyes away. His eyes were full of desperation and pain and longing, and she ached to see him like that. "What do you need?" she whispered once again.

He was moving closer, closer, closer, until he was a hairsbreadth away. He stroked her cheek with a long, pale finger and Alana felt shivers running up and down her spine. She closed her eyes involuntarily.

"You," he whispered.

Loki's lips touched hers, softly. I should pull away, she thought. I can't do this, her mind protested, but his lips were soft and warm and sweet and her body was betraying her, heart racing and skin flushing. He smelled like leather and metal and ice, and his hand crept up the back of her neck and tangled in her hair, pulling her closer. He loves me. No, no, no, no one loves me, pull yourself together, Alana, stop this! But he was kissing her, passionately, and the world was spinning, and she couldn't think straight, she couldn't think about anything but his lips on hers, and her hands around his neck (when had she put them there?), and his other hand reaching around to cradle her lower back. It seemed as if electricity coursed through her body whenever he touched her. Why had she resisted, again? What had she been afraid of?

She couldn't remember.

So she kissed him back, and his body, his lean frame and sturdy hands supported her, and for one shining moment he was hers, and it was like flying, like being carried across the stars on a beam of light.

Loki pulled her closer to him, inhaling her sweet scent, her body pressing to his, her hands on his neck, clasping him closer to her until it was as if they were one, and she was his, nothing would take her away from him, she was kissing him too, and nothing in all of the universe could give him this feeling, nothing. He would not trade her for power over all the nine realms, for the throne of Asgard, for anything. He needed her, she was a light in the darkness, a beacon for him, calling out to him and saving him and her body was pressed to his, her lips on his, and it was the sweetest moment of his life.

He was hyperaware of the softness of her body, the curve of her spine, the smoothness of her hair. She was his, and he was hers, forever and ever and ever. He loved her with such a fullness that he felt his heart would burst, and he knew that he could never, ever leave her.

Alana was soaring, flying, but then she was remembering, and as she remembered she fell. Oliver parents dead my fault my fault I won't let him die, I won't, I can't I can't love him but I do love him no I don't you do Alana, you've always loved him, but stop kissing him, stop, stop it, he's in danger.

You're killing him.

She pulled away from him with a cry, breaking the kiss, breaking the moment, turning away from him; her eyes squeezed shut, her body rigid. She took a deep breath, composing herself. "Loki, I… I can't. I just can't."

There was silence for a moment, and then Loki spoke coldly, his voice cutting through her like a scalpel.

"This is about Oliver, isn't it?"

She turned around, pain in her eyes. "How do you know about Oliver?"

Loki said nothing, but on the inside, his heart was screaming as if it had been ripped apart. Take me back, he thought. Take me back to when her lips were pressed to mine and the world was perfect.

Why am I always alone?

Always alone.

"Loki, I… I think you deserve to know the truth about me. Why I can't… why we can't…" Her voice trailed off.

She took a deep breath. "I know a good place to talk."

Loki turned on his heel and left.

And all the pain and suffering and rejection of Alana's past came pouring down onto her, and the tears she had suppressed for so long flowed out like water from a broken dam, and she fell to the ground and wept.

A/N: Well, finally got that out of the way. Yay!

Thanks to all those lovely reviewers out there: Isa (Guest), Calliope's Scribe, Hugepuffball, and my other guest reviewers.

Leave me a note and tell me if you hate me yet. (Believe me, it's going to get much, much, worse... *laughs evilly*)