Hello! How are you, my lovelies?
This chapter is not the first date because I felt like I needed something that was missing and I didn't know what it was. But, bless my little heart, the missing piece finally came to me. So, I wrote this. I'm not sure if there needs to be a trigger warning, because it's not too bad. I couldn't keep just writing humor in this because life sucks and I needed to put that in here. The date and Rachel's POV will definitely be the next chapter, so I hope you enjoy it and please don't hesitate to tell me what you think, ask questions, and/or give suggestions.
Do we really need a disclaimer at this point? Come on, yall... Do better.
~Kay :)
Mmm... what is that? It's... heavenly... I'm having a really good dream right now... Why is it such a good dream if I'm not getting my dick wet? ...How am I so happy? Why does my life feel right?... It's like sweet cinnamon rolls made by God... I can almost taste it. The delicious air, bless me, it's all in my nose.
"Q-Bug?" It knows my name?
"Quinn, honey, get up," It's calling me... Of course voice is feminine, only a woman could be so sweet.
"It's time to get up, Quinn." I didn't know cinnamon rolls could call you to the light.
"Quinn, I'm serious. It's time." But I don't see a light... Where's the cinnamon light? I can't see the light! Why can't I see it?! CINNAMON ROLL? WHERE ARE YOU?! WHERE'S THE CINNA-LIGHT?!
My body started shaking rapidly against my will in the midst of my panic. Oh, dear God! This is the end! I'm epileptic! The cinna-light is the call of a sweet death. What if it's not death, what if it's worse?! OH, GOD! I could be going back to my old life! Help! HELP, I CAN'T BREATHE! SWEET CINNAMON ROLL, DON'T TA-
"JAYLEN QUINN DIAZ-PITTS! WAKE THE HELL UP!" My eyes shot wide open, causing me to temporarily go blind because of the ceiling light. I heard a chuckle to my left and looked over to see a grinning mother with her glasses on. "Good morning, sunshine."
"Morning... Am I smelling cinnamon rolls?" I asked groggily, voice scratchy with sleep.
"I don't know," Mom began, but scrunched her nose for some reason. I'm pretty sure I didn't pass gas recently... I'm actually not that sure now.
"What?"
"Oh, nothing. I was just smelling for cinnamon rolls but I smelled that morning breath instead." She started cracking up as I groaned and pulled the covers over my head. She just continued laughing and pulled the covers completely off me, exposing me in a v-neck and stripe boxers. "Seriously, Q-Bug. Hurry up and get ready. Be downstairs in thirty, we have a surprise for you."
I let out a sigh with an accepting nod and watch her leave the room. I reluctantly get up and start my morning routine. After getting everything done in the bathroom, I move on and pick out a pair dark wash denim skinny jeans and a red tank top with my red vans. Giving myself a quick thumbs up in the mirror, I ran down stairs to the most heavenly smell on earth: food.
I saw the island completely covered with freshly baked biscuits and cinnamon rolls with full plate of bacon. There were eggs and fruit on there too, but I had everything I needed. Please let my stomach be bigger than my eyes. I picked up a plate and started piling on the food, excitement bubbling up in me.
"Quinn..." My attention reluctantly goes from the food to my mother. "Are you forgetting something?"
"Umm... OH! Thanks so much for the surprise! I love it! The Cinna-Monster inside me is excited as ever. I'm so glad you cooked all this for me. Best surprise EVER!" I heard three different chuckles as I dug in. I paused and looked around the kitchen. There was Mom, Dad, and... a stranger. A sixty year old stranger. The tan woman looked at me with amusement shinning in her hazel eyes, crows feet showing proudly. Her long, grey hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail and she wore a nice blue blouse and a white pair of pants. I guess she's important to me because everyone was waiting for me to say something. I should probably say something sweet.
"Did you cook all this in those pants?" Really, bitch? Smooth...
The adults chuckled and the lady I spoke to stood and rushed over to me, pulling me into a bone crushing hug. "Hey, baby. How are you?" She pulled back and smiled. She took hold of my shoulders and gave me a twice over before giving a disproving look. "You look thin, darling. Why aren't you eating, Jay? Gosh, it's a wonder you're practically salivating over the food!" I would really like to eat it, too. So, can we speed this meet and greet up, please? She turned to my parents, wagging finger at them. "You need to feed my granddaughter some more. I don't like hugging a bag of sticks, Cameron... I'm serious. Stop laughing, you two."
Mom and Dad stifle their giggles but can't smother their grins. "Yes, Mom."
Grandma looked satisfied and turned to me, "Now, bad to you, Jay. You and I have a long day ahead of us. It's Monday, but your parents have taken the day off so we don't have to worry about them missing out on any of the fun."
"Sounds fun, Grandma." She just smiled and took a seat, gesturing for me to enjoy my food. I took the first bite of the cinnamon roll and just about died.
Dear fuck, this is amazing.
Grandma stayed true to her word and made sure our day was busy. First, we all got mani pedies (Dad and I with clear polish), then we went to the mall and shopped around. Grandma bought me a new pair of Converse and a snap back, while Mom went to Brookstone and got a "massager" because her "back hurt." We finally went to the grocery store around five because Grandma and Dad wanted to grill and have a little cook out. I just wanted to eat.
"Quinn, honey, go get some sweet relish. I want to make some potato salad to go with the ribs tonight. Thank you, my sweet Jay." Grandma asked without asking and smiled. I nodded and began to walk towards isle seven, stopping to pick up some Captain Crunch and mango applesauce on the way. Also a few boxes of cookies for dessert. And some whipped cream as an option in case Grandma makes something that needs it, or in case my mouth catches fire and I need to extinguish it.
My body hummed with excitement as I skipped down the isles, already tasting the dinner that was sure to be delicious after a breakfast I had this morning. I was finally making my way into isle seven when something big and hard jammed into my side, knocking me onto cold tiles. I whimpered as watched my whipped cream roll out of my reach while my apple sauce came down with a smack. I looked up as I heard a woman apologize softly and a deep voice scoff. What I saw made my stomach sink and my heart start racing a mile a minute.
"M-I- I'm... sorry, Da-sir. I d-didn't mean to get in the way." I stuttered, scrambling to get my scattered thoughts and items together.
My father sneered down at me and let out a small, demeaning laugh. "Judy, dear," He addressed Mother with a smirk. "There's no need to apologize to people who don't have enough sense to watch where they're going."
"Russel..." Anything my mother was going to say died on her tongue at a look from him.
"Don't bother, honey. The tranny should have been more aware of her surroundings. It's not our fault she traded eyes for a dick."
Tranny? "I'm n- I'm not a tranny," I argued weakly, struggling to keep my tears in their burning confinements. Russel was, and still is, the only person who knows how to hit all the right spots to makes me fall apart without even trying. All it takes is a look, and any protective barrier I have around my heart is destroyed. I tried so hard to be okay with who I was in my old life, but I never was. Life was all about being the opposite of who I was unable to be. I had to try so hard to be the best cheer captain, the best SGA president, the best girlfriend to a boy I could barely stomach kissing. I hated myself, but that didn't matter... what mattered was that I was the daughter he wanted me to be, that the person seen on the outside was loved by others. Relatives always said seeing a 'good little girl like me' was a like fresh breath of air. But they didn't know that I looked in the mirror and felt like I was suffocating as every breath I took made my perfect chest rise. I wanted nothing more than for my chest to be still if it meant being free.
Since I was thirteen I prayed for a better situation and a better family. After a while it never came, so I grew to accept that my life was going to stay miserable, and I was going to live in spite of myself. But one day, at the age of fifteen, I went to church with the family and decided that I was finished with praying for change in them. I was finished with praying to a god that wouldn't answer me after two years of begging. I decided that I was going to be just as fake a Christian as my parents were. I went to church, prayed the assembly prayers, and molded myself to be the young woman they wanted me to be. I hated being Daddy's Princess, I hated being loved conditionally. Of course, life could have been a lot worse. I had while privilege in an upper-middle class home on my side, I had clothes on the table, food, free education, a roof over my head, and I had life while others had to die before they barely got a chance to live. But I wished to die, and I wasn't okay with that. I hated my body and everything that a girl is supposed to be. I love being a woman and some of the girly things that come with it, but it never felt right when I looked down and nothing was dangling between my legs. It sounds so selfish to say that I wanted to be both a woman and a man, but I didn't want to be a man. I just wanted to be a woman with a penis.
I just wanted to be myself.
"You're not a tranny?" he asked with an incredulous chuckle. "Then what the hell are you, Freak Show?"
My tears finally spilled over and I found myself unable to look him in the eye as I tried to convince both him and myself, "I am a girl." His sudden boom of laughter causes me and Judy to jump back a step. I looked at her with pleading eyes, begging her to stop him. But we both knew that wasn't a woman's place in the Fabray household. Any chastisement I got from him in the store would be a thousand times worse for her at home if she said anything. He wasn't above physical means of discipline.
I briefly heard someone calling my name, but I failed pinpoint where it came from due to the volume of his mockery and the pounding of my headache. "A girl? HA! A GIRL?!" His laughter quickly subsided and he looked down on me with a serious expression. "You, young thing, will never be a girl. No matter how many surgeries you have, no matter how much tissue you stuff in you K-Mart bra, you will always and forever be a thing. You are an It. A cross dressing boy who got in the way of God's work and declared himself a girl. You can be one or the other, but you can't be both. Either way, you'll surely be going to Hell," I had never -seen someone look as disgusted and hateful as Russel Fabray did when he spat those words in my tear-streaked face. "I'm so glad my daughter is gone, now your demon claws will never be able to touch her and try to convert her to your satanic lifestyle ever again. I pray to God you and others like you be destroyed."
Throughout his speech, my heart constricted tighter and tighter with every words, and my lungs felt like they were going to give out with how my oxygen I was trying to suck in. By the time his finished and walked away, I was left a sweaty mess curled up in a ball on the unswept floor. My heart was pounding in my ears, my eyes burning and vision blotchy. I couldn't even find the breath to scream for help. I'd had panic attacks before, but never like this. This was a waking nightmare. Every second felt like I was moving closer to death. I could feel goosebumps rise on every inch of skin, hair was glued to my face by sweat. I couldn't do anything but clutch my chest in an attempt to stop my heart from trying to escape.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I heard the names Jaylen and Quinn being called louder and louder. I vaguely saw the people crouching over me; hot hands grasped at every available part of me, trying to get my attention. Frantic voices were muffled and the ground became softer. I realized was in someone's arms and they were carrying me outside. The summer air hit me like a savior. I was finally able to breath a little more. All my senses were slowly coming back to me as the person holding on to me sat down and rocked me gently. I looked saw that it was my dad who was nestling me into him. Not Russel, he's no longer anything to me. This was my real father taking care of me, whispering words of comfort into my hair. My real dad loves me regardless of what I look like. I was a Diaz-Pitts, nothing like a Fabray. I buried my face into his chest and smelled aftershave and the scent of home.
"Are you okay, baby girl?" I never heard his voice so soft and worried before. I nodded into his chest and felt a kiss placed on the crown of my head. "God," Dad let out a long, relieved sigh. "You really scared me back there, Q. You don't know how worried your mother and I were when we saw you on the ground like that..."
I sniffed and let out a shaky breath before looking up at him. "I'm sorry, Daddy. I didn't mean to scare you." His eyebrows immediately knitted together in concern as he wiped my tears.
"Never apologize for something that's out of your control,"
"But I-"
"Jaylen Quinn, you need to listen to me, okay? Your panic attacks happen sometimes, and there is nothing you can do when it hits you that hard. You know that, I know that, and Mom knows that." I nodded and held tighter onto his shirt as he continued. "Quinn, what caused you to panic like that? Huh? You were okay before you left us... Please tell me what happened?" His voice broke, my heart with it.
Fuck, how do I tell him I freaked out because that man from my past life called me a tranny, while the lady I used to call a mother just stood there?
"I don't know..."
"You gotta give me more than that, Jay Q. You can talk to me, sweetie." He almost sounded desperate, his blue-green eyes begging me for an answer. It's so sad that I had to lie to the only family that's ever been there for me emotional.
"I..." But I had to. "I don't know what to tell you. It just happened, Dad." He inhaled sharply before sitting me down and standing up.
"It just happened?!" He started pacing in a small line while rubbing his neck and throwing his other hand around while speaking. "What the fuck am I supposed to do with that, Quinn? Stuff like that doesn't just happen."
"Dad-"
"NO, Quinn! You do not get to interrupt me right now. My kid, MY KID doesn't just have shit like that happen to her for no fucking reason! I've know you your whole freakin' life, and you don't just have panic attacks that bad! Not since you were fifteen. That was TWO YEARS AGO!"
Dad was pissed and it actually felt so good to have someone be upset for you, not because of you. I turned around when I heard Mom call my name as she and Grandma come out of the store with a full shopping cart. When Mom noticed Dad's state of distress, she rushed over and tried to calm him down. Grandma continued to the car and started to put the groceries in. I tuned out Mom's pleads and Dad's anger, focusing on trees across the street. I caught movement from corner of my eye and tensed up as Russel and Judy Fabray walked out. My parents must have noticed them because they immediately stopped talking and stared. Russel threw a smirk in my direction and continues walking. Mom and Dad looked from them to me, and I looked away unable to see their looks of realization.
"Quinn?" Mom walked up to me and turned my face for me to look at her. "Did that man say something to you?" I was silent. "Quinn! Did Russel Fabray say something to you in that store?!" I nodded hesitantly as tears began fall slowly. "FUCK!" I jumped at her exclamation and Dad looked like his suspicions were confirmed. He didn't even say anything, he just walked over, crouched down, and pulled me into a hug. I could feel the way his heart pounded faster than it should, the way his anger radiated in waves. I wasn't sure if this hug was to comfort me or him, but I didn't care. I just embraced the feeling of being held.
He pulled back after a minute and took my face in his hands. "Jaylen? Baby girl, no matter what that monster said, you are always and forever our daughter. You're nothing that man said, ever! You are too good for him and you are too good for those shitty conservatives that can't take their mind out their asses long enough to open it. I love you so much, Q," His eyes brimmed with tears and pulls me into his chest and soothes me while I continue to sob. "You are so strong and so brave, Quinn. Never forget that." I heard his voice tremor and Mom come sit down next to me. She didn't have to say anything at all, she just took me into her arms as Dad stood up and walked to the car.
"Don't worry, Q-Bug. Everything is going to be alright. You're our little girl, nothing is going to change that. God, I don't think I can even tell you how much we love you, Quinn."
"Is he going to be okay?" I asked, whipping my tears and looking over in my father's direction.
"Yeah, Brad is fine. He's just really protective of you, Q. You know that," she laughed and stood up. "Alright, sweetie, lets go check on your old man and go get some ice cream."
I followed her into the parking lot and thought of something really important. "Mom?"
"What's up?"
"Can we get some more cinnamon rolls, too?"