Chapter 39

Gathering the Pieces

.

Mahariel

"Hold on ... we're almost there." I heard Kallian telling Leliana, but honestly I was not sure if she was talking to the other woman or to herself, so weak and pleading was her voice.

We were running into the forest, following the tracks of our group after a long battle against the remaining Darkspawn. Despite everything being under control now, certain that none of them had followed us, the confrontation itself was not as successful as we'd expected.

Leliana was stabbed by a shriek as we retreated, and the wound was pretty ugly - the creature's claw tore through the side of the sister's body, and now as she ran, her hand was pressed to her ribs to stem the flow of blood. I managed to kill the beast before it could finish her off, but since then, Kallian had taken on the task of eliminating the pursuers alone, while I practically carried Leliana out of there. The human couldn't walk properly, so I passed her arm over my shoulders and dragged her foward.

But Kallian was not much better than Leliana was - she tripped over and over again as we moved away from Lothering, and even fell down once, but she kept running, speaking words of comfort and giving us directions. I was expecting one of the two to faint sooner or later, but thank the Creators, both women remained standing until we rejoined the group, almost two hours later.

At first, I thought things had gone wrong again. We were received with a sword pointed right in the middle of our faces, but when I saw the tired figure of that insolent mage's brother, I lowered my guard.

We were safe.

The core group had set up a small camp not far from where we found Carver , and apparently all were alive - to Da'shal's realief, I might add, who sighed audibly beside me. It didn't take long until I managed to bring Leliana to Bethany, praying silently that the mage still had a bit of mana left to care for her .

I had imagined that the situation would be worse, especially considering the contradictory and selfish nature of humans, but I was surprised by what I found. The wounded were treated, mostly lying down near the fire; those who still had some energy left were standing watch, and those who had not were collecting fruits in the nearby trees .

It was .. close to the relationship that the Sabrae have among themselves, based on companionship and understanding.

I could not help the twinge of pain in my heart upon remembering home. We'd been marching so close to where we used to create our temporary village ... And to not find them, to have no place to return to, even though I was stepping on our grounds, it was so strange.

I sighed wearily .

I wondered what Merrill would be doing now ... Surely she would be studying the magic of that damn mirror we'd found in the cave. She was always consumed by the anything to do with the elves before Arlathan fell. I just hoped that this obsession would not bring her more trouble than she already had.

A muffled noise of something crashing through the grass pulled me out of my thoughts .

Kallian was on the ground, lying down, with both hands covering her face. For a moment I thought she had passed out, but she was breathing so quickly I doubted that she was uncounscious at all.

"Da'shal?" I called, kneeling beside her, and soon her burned hand was touching my arm lightly .

"Do not worry," she gasped, her eyes still closed. "I just ... "

Silence.

She could not finish, nor did I demand it from her. Her grateful look spoke for itself - she needed to rest, catch her breath, and I would leave her alone for now.

I glanced around at my companions after I walked away from Kallian: Alistair sat still in that weird leather band attached to his torso, Bethany was taking care of Leliana; The Witch 's daughter was lying on a bedroll near the fire, her arm bandaged and apparently medicated; Carver and his disgusting sister seemed to be watching the perimeter (although I think that was just an excuse for the mage to be away from us), the Qunari was being a Qunari, and Noah ...

Noah was sitting in a secluded corner, slouching, with dead eyes, arms hung loosely at his sides ... There was not much difference between him and any other piece of scenery - he just stood there, existing, and nothing more.

It was depressing to watch.

"I can not believe we made it," The Templar who Da'shal called Elzer said, breaking the silence. He and his sister were controlling the fire, fanning the flames and adding more deadwood as needed. "What's the plan now?"

Nobody said anything - all I heard were strong breaths and muffled moans of pain, which mingled with the strong wind blowing through the trees created a climate even more bleak for that place.

I do not think anyone had a right answer to that, although all were clearly wondering the same thing, including me - It was not like I was still sure about what we would do now, not after what had just passed.

Once again, the voice of Da'shal lifted among the the crowd, "I. .. "

As she began to talk, everyone - except of Noah - began to stare at her, but she never returned their gaze. I suspected that she was still too tired to try to get up.

"I wish I could say that we Wardens were ready to provide support and protection, but the truth is that we can't." She sighed, running a hand through her red hair, still with her eyes closed. "But you can stay with us tonight, if you choose. I'll keep watch - the rest of you shall rest. "

"Are you sure, Warden?" The Templar asked. "I can take the first watch if you want."

She shook her head. "I am too agitated to sleep. You can take the second, if you want."

Elzer nodded, apparently in a sigh of relief.

"And then?" Carver asked. He was frowning, with a look that seemed a mixture of pity and concern. But there was good reason - Da'shal was covered in blood, dirt, burns and cuts. Deplorable would have been a compliment. "What do you plan to do?"

"We go to the Brecilian Forest, embrace risk again," she explained, now with courage enough to look in his direction. "That's why I do not encourage anyone to follow us."

"I've heard rumors about the forest, "Martin, the merchant who provided us with potions commented, rubbing his hands near the flames. "They say it 's cursed place."

"What else do you know?" I asked, interested in the subject. Lanaya had said they were having problems, but had not elaborated. Surely the rumors were linked to this problem somehow, and the more we knew about it, the better we could deal with them. With Zathrian, more specifically, because he was not a good example of friendly person.

"People talk of ghosts," he said, and soon I realized that questioning him would not get me anywhere. "Demons, wild beasts, black magic... Excuse me, miss, but it's hard to get anything concrete from rumors. Each person told me a different story, but all lead to the same conclusion."

"Demons… ARGH! Perfect!" Kallian groaned aloud, throwing her arms up with an angry expression. "Ouch... "

"Stay still, Lady Warden," Bethany said, from the other side of the fire, still healing Leliana.

After listening to the word lady coming out of the mouth of a human to an elf, I decided I'd had enough madness for one day. I needed time to think, time alone to try to assimilate it all.

And I already knew what to do - I picked up four bottles of potion that were scattered on the ground, put them into my bag and headed towards the forest by myself. Da'shal followed me with her eyes, her expression curious, but she did not question my actions. To me, she was making it clear that she was aware of my steps,and yet would trust that this time I would not run again.

And I wasn't planning to do so, but even so I felt happy about that.

We were invading the limits of Southron Hills, a mountainous and green area that stood between the Brecilian and the human lands. It was a not so friendly route for travelers because of its rough terrain and its unreliable routes, but for the right people, that could be a blessing.

Besides the diverse Flora, there were shortcuts that could lead to the Brecilian in half the time people would take upon traveling by the Imperial highway. But it was not the search for those paths that brought me here, because I knew this place as I knew my own home. It was the medicinal herbs that grew near the river that I sought.

Mages could cure some of the ills of the body, but some people needed a little more than just potions and bandages to heal their deepest wounds.

And if my memory was right ... Maybe I could do something about it .

Kallian

My mother was not good only with daggers. She had also posessed an awesome mastery of words. Adaia had a unique way of speaking, a special way to pass messages, as if she always chose them exclusively to penetrate, not the ears of the receiver, but the soul and nothing else. Or maybe it was just the way the eyes of a child perceived and admired her mother, who knows?

Finally, she spoke many things, shared lessons with me and my brother early on, as if we were little adults trapped in small bodies, while everyone else just smiled and patted our heads, saying we were too young to understand certain things. And I was more than grateful for that, because while the others criticized her methods, saying that she was depriving us of our childhood, she was preparing us for real life, as if she knew that her time was running out fast.

Once she told me something that I never forgot, and nothing ever proved to be so real.

"The darkest storms of our existence always reach us at the times when we are most vulnerable, and these rarely involve the physical integrity of the person; It's the crucial moment when your faith and determination will be put to the test. At that time, survival, alone, shall not be the priority anymore, and everything that you thought you knew about the universe and yourself is no longer enough. The decisions taken during those chaotic periods of uncertainty and doubt will define who you are, so whatever happens, be true to yourself and never doubt the paths chosen by your heart, because every misstep can leave some scars on your soul that not even a lifetime will be able to heal."

These are the words that came to mind when I looked at Noah. Clearly he was not at peace with his choices.

Ignoring my protests, Bethany made sure to treat my wounds fairly intensely, despite her limited mana. Of course she did not make any miracles, but her ministrations had improved my mood, and my motivation, by three hundred percent at least.

Her energy was very good - warm, comfortable, coursing through my body with the serenity of a fresh breeze and the intensity of a wave rushing to meet the shore. That, and only that, already made me sympathize with her.

While she treated my wounds, Shaw was restless beside me. He repeatedly tried to get under my arms, at all costs, sticking his nose under my hand and nibbling my fingers to try to get my attention somehow.

I think he was worried to see me lying like that, I don't know, but whatever the reason, as soon as I felt strong enough to move, I passed my arm around his fluffy neck and brought him close to me.

The mage smiled.

Carver approached us when she was healing the bruises on my head from the blow I took inside the Chantry, sitting by my side. The other Hawke just stared at me from afar, angry, and I made sure to return the nasty look. She would not budge, nor did I, and I think we could have remained like that for the rest of the night if Carver had not interrupted.

"I never thought I 'd see you again," he said, stretching his legs. "Actually, I never thought that half the things that happened to me in the past twenty-four hours were possible, but there you are, making them possible."

"I said you 'd lose your stupid bet," I replied smiling, once again being invaded by that stream of serenity coming out of Bethany's fingers.

" Right?" He sighed upon discovering whom my gaze had fallen upon. "About that... "

"When you said that your sister had a difficult temperament, I thought she was someone rigid, severe , not that she was a demon," I mumbled, turning my attention to Carver.

"It was not always so, lady warden... " Bethany said, but I raised my hand to stop her.

" Kallian." I smiled .

"Okay, Kallian," She was visibly less tense from my gentle words, and consequently, her energy was much lighter. If I closed my eyes then, I would fall asleep, so relaxed was my body under her magic." Since our father died, she changed a lot." Her gaze suddenly became sad." She took on the responsibility of the family, the duty to keep us all safe, and that is consuming her from within. It's not been easy," she sighed. "It's a lot of pressure."

"She thinks she has to solve everything alone," Carver growled." She doesn't trust us to help her, treats us like children. It's annoying."

"I can understand that ..." I sighed, pulling Shaw closer to me. He was nearly jumping on my lap anyway, so he didn't complain.

I could not judge her for that, when I myself follow the same path.

My dad, he ... when he discovered that he had lost half of his family in an afternoon, and now had a traumatized and shocked daughter for care alone, he lost the ground beneath his feet. I had never seen it as bad as he was that time. It was disturbing, especially knowing the cheerful person my father always was.

So I shut up - I kept my secret only for me and decided that I would take care of my father and of my little cousins by myself. I would use what Adaia given me, and make sure that my family would not suffer the same way I had .

It was not easy... But I understood her. It is the kind of responsibility that no one is truly prepared to take on, not under these circumstances.

"Our sister may seem like a bad person, but she is not," Bethany said, as if trying to convince herself. "She... "

"Your sister pointed a sword at me," I said seriously, disentangling from her touch when I felt her hand around my marked shoulder. "She used magic against me. Sorry, but that kind of behavior does not generate a lot of confidence."

"It must have been a misunderstanding... " She lowered her head.

"Look, I will not attack first , if that is your fear." I said, and was willing to keep my word. If I wanted her dead... mage or not, she would not be here. "But if she attacks me first ... "

"Thanks," she replied, standing up. "I have others to take care of. If you'll excuse me ... "

It did not take long for her to move away from us, more apprehensive than when she'd arrived, to take care of the Qunari. I think she feared for the safety of her sister, which was understandable, and came to act as peacemaker between us, but unfortunately her sweet words would mean nothing if tomorrow she was pointing her magic at me again. And I would be prepared this time.

When I looked up at Carver, he just shrugged.

"Your sister is a mage ... " I said as soon as she'd walked away.

"Yes, both sisters." Carver bent his knees. "I'm the only normal one in the family. And the most friendly, too," he winked.

I giggled, " Okay. But why she was doing at Ostagar?"

"Well, " He hugged his knees." She came to tell me about our father's death ... She wanted to take me home."

You know those sad, deep gazes that can tear you up inside? So, it was that kind of look he gave me. It was like I had poked a serious wound with a stick, and suddenly I was feeling suffocated.

"I'm sorry," I said, placing a friendly hand on his shoulder.

He smiled weakly, "It's all right."

He'd said it was okay, but there was a long, long silence after that. It was definitely a bad idea to touch upon something so recent. But how could I have known?

By the Void ...

"I guess I never thanked you for saving Shaw." I tried again, changing the subject.

"Shaw?" he asked curiously.

"Shaw-Shaw," I said proudly, leaning back so he could see the head of my little white ox resting on my lap.

He blinked three times, assimilating information, it seemed , until he laughed.

Aloud.

I frowned, slightly irritated, noticing the way Alistair mirrored my gesture from afar. By the way ... He seemed very angry, looking sulkily in our direction, although I did not know why. Was he in pain, and had kept quiet until now?

"Maker!" Carver said, taking a deep breath. "You chose that name?"

"His name reflects his personality," I explained, frowning deeply.

"Poor mabari!" he exclaimed, smiling .

"Go to the Void!" I growled.

"You're welcome." He blinked again, rubbing the top of Shaw's head. Strangely, he did not bite Carver this time, just closed his eyes, delighted with all the attention he was recieving.

I sighed defeated, as we entered into a comfortable silence. I say comfortable because, for some reason, neither he nor I were bothered by the lack of sound. Weariness, perhaps, but it was nice.

On the other side of the fire, Morrigan shifted in her bedroll. Just the sight of her bandaged arm and the pained expression gone from her face was already a relief. Not that I sympathized with the witch , but ...

Whatever.

"Your friend looks bad," Carver said, and I looked at Alistair without thinking. Interestingly, he turned his head whens our eyes met, embarrassed to be caught staring. "Are you sure he 'll be okay?"

I was about to say that Alistair would not be subdued by any ordinary wound, when I realized that, in fact, he was speaking of Noah. I wish I could have said yes, but ... I was not sure.

"Noah is too strong for his own good," I said lower than I'd intended. He was too proud to give in, too proud to allow himself to appear weak . But he had held onto everything for too long ... Endured too much... It was possible to see by the pained expression in his eyes that he was about to explode.

He needed to explode...

Beside me, Shaw complained with a muffled bark because I had stopped cuddling in his ears. He looked at me with those big violet eyes, wagging just the tip of his long shaggy tail. As I ran my hand through his white fur, I could feel the plates of dried blood crumbling between my fingers, and it gave me an idea.

Stupid, unfounded and childish, but it was all I had.

"Wait here," I told Carver, getting up at once. I almost fell backward, and had to step down to regain balance. A damned inconvenient time for the world to turn. "Come on, boy."

Shaw grumbled. By the Void, what a temperamental dog!

I walked striding to the other side of the camp, until I was facing Noah. He completely ignored me, staring at nothing as if his life depended on it.

"Noah," I called cautiously, quietly, in my best calm tone. I did not want to invade his space - Noah was in shock. I knew that state, and space, time alone, was something really important. I thought that I should hold my tongue hard, because any misstep could do more harm than good.

When he looked up, I swallowed all I had to say .

His light brown eyes were opaque, adorned with a large pair of deep dark circles under them and heavy eyelids. The only brightness that man had in himself were the tears that he refused to shed.

"Noah, I need you to do something for me - "

"No." He cut me off without even waiting for me to finish, turning his face away.

Damn human.

"There's a river right there," I continued, pretending that I had not heard his denial. "And Shaw, poor thing, is covered in blood." He raised an eyebrow, and that was a sign of a storm. "I need you take him there and wash him... "

At that moment, I was ready to receive his rage, but strangely, not a single blow was given, and my nose was still unbroken. And even more strangely, no trees were harned.

"Are you kidding me?" he growled, looking at me in that animalistic way of his. "The dog is yours, do it yourself."

"If he gets tainted again, you will be responsible for his death?" I argued badly, hoping to convince him.

"He's your dog," he repeated irritably.

"Noah, please," I commanded, nodded and pointed the way. "Just go."

He just stared at me with those wet eyes, all the accumulated hatred pulsing through the veins of his neck and creating a heavy aura around him, emanating so many bad, distinct feelings that it was difficult to distinguish from one another - to name them.

It was not about the dog anymore - he might be wounded, but he was not stupid. Surely he saw behind my flawed argument, otherwise he would just ignore me as he usually did. But something had caught his attention.

He wanted to see what I was planning to do.

"Is that an order?" he asked, making no attempt to hide the disgust in his voice, as he stood poised in front of me. His figure towered quickly over me , his shadow covering my body completely, and for the first time, I felt intimidated by our surreal height difference. And he knew it.

He was testing me.

"Yes," I replied, with the same fierceness in my voice and sharpeness in the eyes. I was taking a risk that I would earn his hatred, his contempt, and probably risking our alliance by imposing my will on him like that.

Risking everything - because I was playing with his pride, betting big on the only move he asked me to not make.

But it was necessary.

"Come on, dog," Noah called dryly, still staring at me in that way predatory way. But I kept myself firmly in my place - he was not the first, nor would it be the last, human to confront me like that.

I would not waver.

I do not know how long we stood there, staring at each other, storm against storm, but when he finally turned around, I released the breath I had not knownI was holding.

Now he definitely hated me.

- x -

"What was that?" Alistair asked by my side, startling me so that my soul almost left my body. I had not noticed him approaching.

"Nevermind, Alistair, nevermind." I sighed, running a hand across my forehead. "And you, get your armor off."

"Excuse me?" he asked, confused, as I put my finger on his chestplate.

"Your armor. Take it off." I repeated, hammering him with my finger. "Now . "

"So, straight to the point?" He smiled, untying the laces of his chestplate slowly. "You won't even take me out to dinner first? Buy some flowers?"

"Don't be silly," I moved his hand out the way and finished the job by myself, removing the metal that covered his ribs. To my relief, the only thing I found was a slight stain that was once his wound.

"Bethany healed me," he explained, smiling.

"Right ... " I patted his chestplate twice, a little more relieved. I was afraid he had remained silent, thinking of the welfare of others rather than his own. It was so like him, to do things like that.

I smiled back at him, although at the time I did not realize it. I was simply glad we were all well.

"You sure you'll keep watch? " he asked, tying his armor back into place.

"Go rest, " I said, walking toward a nearby tree. It was an ancient cedar, tall, with a thick sturdy trunk and irregular branches, making it easy to climb. "Even if I wanted to, I could not sleep right now."

"You look exhausted." He cracked his own neck. "Are you sure you wanna do this?"

"It was just a cramp," I lied - my bones felt like they would crumble, so sore were they. And my muscles ... I prefer not to talk about it. But it was avoid the truth or admiting that there was a demon lion chasing me through the shadows, waiting to devour me when I fell asleep. The lie sounded arrogant, but was also more beautiful." I meant it when I said I was too agitated. I would not be able to sleep even if I wanted."

"Okay... " He just watched me, as I began to climb the tree with difficulty. If it was in other conditions, it would be easy, but at that moment, I just prayed silently for my legs to not fail me.

"And Alistair... " I stopped climbing, looking at him over my shoulder. "Never say you are not worth it ... Because you are." Again my voice seemed to come out lower than I intended, but I think he heard. It was... the truth. He might be a human and all, but he was ... different. He had intended to sacrifice himself for me inside the Chantry - an elf, a stranger, someone who treated him with suspicion and contempt from the very beginning. And yet, he always continued to invest his loyalty and companionship in me.

And that crooked smile of his, which curved his lips every time he made one of his bad jokes...

I smiled again.

It's a bit hard to not like him. And because of that, I did not want him to choose that madness again.

When I finally got up high enough on a branch to watch a good-sized area around me, I then looked back at Alistair. He was watching me, smiling in his unique way, making a last goodbye gesture with his hands before going near the fire to rest.

"Good night, Kallian. Don't fall from up there."

"Good night, Alistair... " I whispered, and watched him walk slowly away.

Noah

Damn elf.

Damn her. May the earth open beneath her feet and the Void swallow her alive.

Who did she think she was to order me to bathe her dog?! Her Lackey, her servant?

No, not even in her dreams. Tomorrow I would have a serious talk with that blasted elf, and tell her EVERYTHING I ever held inside right in her face - throw back all the truths and all the teasing I'd had to endure so far.

Bather her dog ... she definitely had provoked the wrong person.

If our confidence was not so fragile, and our moral didn't need to be preserved, I would have sent her to the Void right there, and would probably have broken the nose of that asshole as well. Who that stupid templar thought he was to stare at me like that? But no, I had to be this accommodating idiot who lowers his head to not hurt the leader image of that damn elf, and risk losing the little sense of order we had.

I had to be the blasted soldier again.

But fuck it. That would end tomorrow.

To make everything worse , the dog sat far away from the river when he saw the water , and would not come near me don't matter how many times I called him .

"Come, Shaw," I commanded angrily, but he ignored me. The little bastard had the same audacity as his master, and if I didn't sympathize with the little fella so much, I would send him to the Void, too.

I sighed. "Don't you mess with me, too, "I went to him, trying to hold him on my arms, but as soon as my hands touched his body, he threw himself on the ground, putting his belly up. I sighed. "Dog, seriously. If you do not want to be tainted again ... "

Wait.

Tainted AGAIN ?

One does not simply get tainted again, because you cannot be cured from the fucking taint . You get IMMUNITY from the fucking taint .

Oh, you son of a bitch!

I punched the tree beside me so hard I think I broke a finger. Or all of them, I don't know, it really hurt, but I was not giving a shit about it. The dog stood with a jump, startled , but he did not move. I think the water was scaring him more than my anger was.

"Your master, that little bitch, knew very well that you did not need a bath," I muttered to the dog, kneeling in front of him to look him in the eyes. The odd thing was that he held my gaze as if he could understand my words. " She pointed her finger in my face, humiliated me in front of everyone just to send me to this godforsaken place to do some ridiculous task... "

Then the penny dropped.

Finally I noticed that we were alone. The only thing I heard around me was the water running beside me, crashing against the rocks, the wind blowing the leaves on the trees and the sound of my own breathing. There was nobody here but me and the dog - not even the crickets or birds were around that night .

Everything in that place inspired peace. Quiet. Tranqulity.

Finally, I understood what she meant, and as my legs failed, forcing me to sit down, all my strength was drained, too.

I was alone.

"Your master is really a bitch ," I whispered to the dog, feeling my voice crack as the tears streamed down my face." She gave me ...space ... didn't she?"

I didn't expect the dog to answer that - I just hugged his little body while I let out all my sorrows without restraint, enjoying the fact that there was nobody around to witness my fall from grace.

That night , I cried my heart out on the shoulders of that faithful, patient little ball of fur and you know what? For the first time in a long time, I felt grateful.

A\N: My life was very troubled these past few weeks, so it took longer than I intended to update this. But I'm fine now, alive, and Kali is back :).

And you know what? Yesterday Kali completed a year of life! Yay!

A year ago I was sitting here in front of my laptop, about to post the first chapter. And I would never have guessed that this story would go where it did, nor that would I receive so much positive and wonderful feedback as I did. I really regard every little thing you wrote to me, every favorite and follower, and keep everything very fondly in my heart. :D

Thank you for making this story what it is today, and for supporting me for so long.

Thanks to my two wonderful betas who always kept me in line, who always supported me and helped to keep the dream alive.

Love you all. Thanks for reading!

P.S - Just a reminder... Some PMs and alerts are being considered spam by GMAIL. Don't forget to check your spam folder and to add FFnet to your white list/green list/contacts so you won't miss the updates from your favorite stories. :)