Chapter 40
Ghosts of a Red Past
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Mahariel
When I returned to the camp, the moon had crossed more than half way towards the horizon, and most people were already asleep. The four empty bottles that I'd chosen previously were all attached to my belt, now half filled with mixtures of herbs, some types of flowers and water, each one with a unique purpose.
The task itself had not been so hard, nor demanded very much, but I took some time to myself. I took the time I needed to clear my mind. I let the spirits of the forest to work in peace, allowing them to guide my feet through the woods even as the night came to soothe my soul and dissipate my anxieties.
It was almost a purification process. The damp earth touching my feet, renewing my energy; the wind blowing my face, sending welcomed chills through my body; the comfort of the moonlight breaking through the darkness, which had this peculiar way of inciting peace within my soul ...
The forest was a divine sanctuary of renewal and wisdom to those who knew how to take advantage of its ways.
Among those who were yet awake, was Leliana. The loss of her home was affecting her deeply, and even though she was clearly trying to sleep, she could not be still longer than a minute or two without turning to and fro in her bedroll.
I'd hoped that time would alleviate her distress a little while I was out, at least enough for her to sleep, but I was wrong - The night had not been as kind to the human as it had been with me.
I approached the human slowly, carefully enough to not scare her, bending down only after I knew that she was aware of my presence. She greeted me with a sad look, her blue eyes, the color of the sky, completely dominated by the redness of her tears.
Her gaze flew from the bottle in my hand to my face, and then back to the bottle again.
"It will make you feel better," I answered her unspoken question, placing the bottle in her hands after she sat down. To my surprise, she not only accepted my flask but also drank the liquid without questioning its composition.
"It's bittersweet," she complained, and frowned before reclining again.
"Sleep in peace," I said, placing a friendly hand on her shoulder before standing again, leaving the human with her heavy-lidded, sleepy eyes behind.
I could not understand why I had done this, all this work for these people who probably would not do the same for me, but even so, it seemed the right thing to do. Even if it had seemed so wrong at the same time.
"Why the frown?" Da'shal's voice echoed through the woods as her feet touched the ground behind me. She was still wearing the same pants, ripped at her knees, but she had changed her blouse. Now it was a sand-colored worn blouse, which had several patches around the folds, with long sleeves and a big collar.
She did not look much better than she had when I left, a few hours ago.
I turned, crossing my arms." Just wondering what someone who almost fainted a few hours ago would be to doing in the top of a tree."
She shrugged. "I was bored."
"Of course you were." I shook my head, staring at the deep, dark circles that were forming on her face. She could say whatever she wanted, but she could not deceived my judgement - her body spoke for itself, and it was screaming all kind of signs of exhaustion. In fact, I was suprised that she was still standing.
"Noah is at the river with Shaw," she told me, following my gaze to the rest of the group.
"As if I wanted anything from that human," I growled, taking one of the bottles from my belt.
"I thought you might want to know." She shrugged again. "What's in those bottles?"
"I don't," I growled again, answering her first question and staring at her with my best look of anger. I made no attempt to hide my hatred of that man, much less conceal the fact that this subject matter did not please me.
"Okay, okay," She raised her arms in a sign of peace. "You did not answer me about the bottles... "
"Remedy for pain, burnings, detoxifying..." I enumerated the properties, without going into deeper details, putting two flasks into her hands." The darker is for your…. friend." I think she understood the disdain in my voice, because she grimaced as she glanced over at Alistair. "It's a combo of proteins and minerals to recover some of the energy lost from the hemorrhage."
She looked at me, and from the expression she wore, I thought she would give me back the bottle and send me to deliver it to him myself, but she just thought for a while before placing both flasks in the pocket of her pants.
"If you don't like him," she began, crossing her arms."Why bother? ... I mean..."
"The individual parts should never break the balance of the whole." I sighed." That's how nature works, that's how communities work, and this is how it should be." I unknowingly ran my hand around the bottle cap, lost in my own memories of my time with the Sabrae. It seemed such a distant time now. "It's not my place to question your alliances, while they are benefiting the whole; my goal is to ensure that the equilibrium is preserved."
I was expecting her to feel confused, and was already preparing myself to recite the explanation of " taking care of my ally's ally" we gave the children every time they fought for some selfish reason, but she just nodded, as if assimilating what I'd just said and including some new information of her own.
"That's how it works with the Dalish?" she asked, a glint of curiosity and a bit of admiration in her eyes.
"Why?" I asked, confused. "That's not how it works with the city elves?"
She shrugged, looking away. " It's a little more complicated."
Nothing more was said, and I wondered for the first time in my life what life in the Alienages would be like.
Our vision of the City elves was not very warm - inferior creatures who had lost their Dalish pride and the blood of their ancestors upon submitting and accept the impositions of the humans who ruled over them. People that brought disgrace to the Creators with their own lack of spirit and determination.
It was something similar to the disgust the Dwarves of Orzammar felt towards their surface brothers and sisters - or so I was told. But I never really stopped to think about how their lives really were, or try to understand their point of view.
The truth was that it didn't make much sense anymore. Spirit and determination were - along with inconsistent, and perhaps inconsequential - words I would use to describe the strong aspects of Da'shal's personality, which had me questioning my initial beliefs. So it meant that something in our own perspective was somehow inconsistent.
It was… another detail I would like to understand better, if I could.
"Drink it and go to sleep," I commanded, already convinced that this discussion would not lead anywhere. I saw her shrug over my shoulder, as she walked to where her friend was sleeping.
What a great irony. I wondered what my father would think of me if he knew that I was using his teachings to take care of humans...
Oh, wise Adruill, I humbly ask you to guide my steps once again, because in this land of contradictions and inconsistencies, my truths are being overshadowed by my doubts. Guide my steps once again to not allow my mistakes and my hesitations to become burdens and regrets to be remembered during my last breath.
Guide my steps once again, and put me back on the path of the forest, as it should be.
I sighed.
I never questioned Andruil and her ways, but for the first time I felt hesitant, when I realized my instincts were guiding me literally into the forest, and deep down, I knew where I should go...
And maybe that was exacly what scared me the most.
Noah
I think I lost track of how long I stayed alone in the forest - Minutes, hours, I cannot say. But what I can say with certainty is that it was a time of agonizing release, a bittersweet suffering; there were knives carved deep into my heart, but I felt as if my body had the power to rise once more. It was surprising how ironic and paradoxical that was.
I was in a deplorable state - my dark blue shirt was stainedwith sweat and tears, as well as my lone bandage, which in a moment of uncontrolled rage, was torn into several pieces that were now scattered around us.
I say us because the dog stayed with me.
He was so smart that it was ridiculous. But that one moment, I just thanked the Maker that it was him who was with me and not some other talkative moron to test my patience. I would not answer for my actions if the elf or that stupid Templar were here.
I sighed.
Definitely there was much more about that elf than meets the eye, and increasingly it incited my curiosity as much as my distrust. Something in me said she was hiding something big, but I had no way to figure out what it was.
Shaw-shaw raised hisears, discreetely wagging his tail now and then. His gaze toward the woods caught my attention - someone was hidden there for sure , but I did not bother to find out. After all, since he had not shown any signs of aggression, I could only conclude that there was no enemy.
And from among my companions who were able to hide in the shadows, only one could be so competent.
"You can get out of there, tree hugger," I ordered, not sure if she would answer.
Mahariel
I froze.
Never could I have imagined that he would notice my presence so easily, even more so under the current circumstances - my stealth was flawless most of the time, and he'd seemed to be completely absorbed in his own thoughts, but even so, he made it clear that he was aware of my steps.
"You should be happy now," he continued, even though I had not revealed myself yet. "Probably feeling delightful for witnessing my disgrace. Get out of there, and have the good grace to laugh in my face at least."
His voice was not friendly, quite the opposite - it was dry, filled with contempt and irony, like everything he did. Every fiber of my being told me to leave, but for some reason of which even I am unaware, I left my safe zone.
"Your suffering, or anyone else's, does not bring me happiness," I said, moving toward him slowly, with the same caution that a hunter would approach the beaten body of a wild wolf. "Such sadism is typical of human nature."
He did not answer, just looked at me for the first time, and what I found shocked me more than I thought it would be possible.
He was sitting on the grass completely sloppy, with his arms resting on his flexed knees, and Shaw-Shaw lying at his feet. His face was all wet, the trail of tears marking his cheeks like deep, fresh scars that ran from his red eyes down his cheeks, until becoming lost in his thick beard. His expression was tired, defeated, like someone who had given up fighting and was just waiting for the benevolence of death to end his suffering.
"Sadism?" He laughed out loud, but humorlessly. "So, according to your theory, all humans are despicable and disgusting sadists while all elves are kind and innocent creatures whose character cannot be questioned. Is that what you mean?"
I open my mouth to answer, but his sarcastic laugh cut me off, echoing through the trees.
"Tell me," he shifted, leaning his body forward and resting his arms on his knees. "Would you risk your own neck for any and every elf who crossed your path indiscriminately, and ensure their integrity only because of something as irrelevant as the size of their ears?"
"That is not the question," I began, but again his deep voice echoed louder than mine.
"That's exactly the point," he growled, diverting his gaze to the river. The waters continued to caress the grass at its margins, so delicate and steady, completely ignoring the storm forming between us. "Your hypocrisy allows you to label an entire species negatively, but is unable to protect the oh-so-superior race of the elves?" He shook his head, "If you cannot gather arguments enough to defend your own kind, then you have no right to judge others as you do. "
"I have arguments to defend my people, you arrogant jerk!" I growled, putting myself between him and the river, so that I could meet his gaze. "Your race causes only destruction - you kill, plunder and exploit my brothers and sisters, and treat us worse than your pets... You... "
"So far, I've only heard attacks and no argument," he replied quietly, his eyes narrowing. "Before saying whatever crosses your mind, just answer me - can your argument cover the behavior of all elves spread throughout Thedas?"
"We have union, camaraderie." I started walking in circles in front of him. It was very bold of him to question our customs in such a way. "We unite in the face of adversity, and do not kill each other for money or power, as you do ..."
Noah punched the tree next to him tightly, making leaves falling on us like a noisy summer rain. His hand, I noticed, was swollen and purple, as if suffering from some kind of infection. Even so, his growl was relentless, "You are indeed arrogant enough to speak for all of them?"
I was the one who diverted my gaze this time, the weight of his words falling on my shoulders.
"No," I replied quietly, reluctant to give him reason, but I couldn't do anything about it. Saying that I could speak for all the brothers and sisters around the world was the same as wanting to play God - a grave sin, and much too bold for a mere mortal like me. "But ... "
"So stop comparing me with those disgusting pigs, because I'm not like them!" He yelled so angrily that it appeared more like a feral growl, so serious that his voice echoed through his throat. That startled me considerably. There was determination and hate in the way he looked at me, and a small trace of pain and contempt as well. It was difficult to distinguish what was real from the intense flow of distinct emotions that flickered through the windows of his soul. I could not even try to understand what was wrong with him at all.
Not that I cared to understand him... just to be clear.
"It's not my labels that define who you are." Shaw yawned at our feet, turning belly up while peering at Noah. His little paws were begging for attention." Your eyes tell me all I need to know about you." The human 's eyes narrowed , a small sarcastic smile forming on his lips as he ran his hand over the dog, without diverting his attention from me. "When I look at you, the only things I see is repulsion, disgust, coldness. You have the eyes of a killer, who would not think twice about murdering someone."
Noah 's smile increased substantially. "Just like yours."
"I do not kill for sport, human." It was my turn to talk louder than him. "I do what I need to defend myself, not for fun."
"That's not what I see when I look at you," he replied, still exposing his white teeth.
"You left me to die," I snapped, hoping that this would have an impact on him, but he did not seem to mind. "What did you expect? Gratitude?"
"Ah, again with incident on the road." He rolled his eyes, and for a moment I had the impression that the hatred in his eyes had increased. "It's always about the incident on the road."
"Incident?" I asked, perplexed. "How can you.. How dare you ...?" I ran my hand over my face, trying to dispel the agitation that spread through my body.Incident? By the Creators, how could he be so cold, so sadistic, and still have courage enough to say that I had no right to label him? "How can you live with yourself, Noah? How can you be at peace with yourself carrying so much hate?"
"Hate?" He cut me off, standing suddenly. My hand flew to my father's hunting knife on my belt as soon as he came near. "I live hate, I breathe hate. My anger is what drives me. My rage is what sustains me." He approached me abruptly, and before I could lift my arm to defend myself, he - to my surprise - grabbed the blade with his bare hands. "Do not think you are special, Dalish elf - I hate everyone. It's not something uniquely yours." He brought his face closer to mine, and it was so sudden that for the first time in a long time, I froze from his approach.
"And do you know why?" He pulled away, his frowing increasing as he slid the palm of his hand slowly over the blade. "Because I have nothing to lose." Noah continued backing up to his position near Shaw. "I've already lost everything. There's nothing left to care about."
I had the impression that his voice trembled for a moment upon pronouncing that last sentence, and it gave me courage to press him a little more. What he said - his reasons - did not make sense.
"Why are you here, then?" I asked, looking at the trail of blood his hand left in the grass.
"Don't confuse things." He ran a finger over the thick red line in his hand, as if enjoying the pain of the contact, while avoiding my gaze. "I was trained to be loyal to my squad." He leaned against the tree and slid to the ground slowly. "While in battle… I'll protect your back with my life, regardless of what you think of me or say. Outside of that? Don't expect anything from me. I don't care about you, or the redhead, or anyone." He sighed, running a hand through his messy hair. "All I want is to end this mission and ..."
As he spoke, I just shook my head in disbelief. There were just too many contradictions in his explanation, too much crap in one place.
Creators, why?! With so many people in the world, why did you have to put such crazy people in my way, especially for a mission as important as this was? His instability and inability to demonstrate any positive feeling, or at least something that was not cruel and disgusting, was impressive, in the bad sense of the word. It only reinforced my belief that humans are a race that are beyond any kind of salvation.
"You are a demon..." I whispered, not noticing that he had become suddenly silent.
"...Forgive me," he whispered, still with his head buried in his hands.
"Excuse me?" I gasped involuntarily, suddenly confused about what I had just heard. Had he just apologized?
For a long time, only the rustle of leaves was the answer to my internal question, and the wind told me I was imagining things. It made no sense to think that despicable being before me had dared to apologize. That was a very strong delusion, or a giant sarcasm. Either way, both options only increased my anger towards him.
I was already walking back to the camp when his hoarse voice stopped my steps before I could embrace the shadows of the forest once again, "You have been caught in the middle of something bigger than you," he sighed, finally raising his hand to the back of his head, holding the strands back.
A threadbare argument that would make me stick an arrow in the middle of his forehead, were it not for his expression of pain. His eyes were moist again, the old brands of defeat quickly replacing the facets of his repressed hatred.
Before me, there was the figure of a lost man facing the endless darkness from the top of an abyss, waiting for the first breeze to throw him right into the black pit of despair. A man broken into pieces, that seemed to have no strength even to gather the fragments of his own spirit. A beaten man, slaughtered like a halla by a human hunter, who had stolen the horns and fur to trade for some bronze coins in the city. Except that the horns were his spark of life, and the fur, his soul.
If it was any other situation, I would have left without any hesitation - but that night, I stayed.
"You wanna know why I had abandoned you, Dalish hunter?" He asked, his voice no more than a broken whisper - only the shadow of his previously aggressive growl. It was pitiful, and at the same time, aroused strong curiosity. After all, what he would say to me? What would be his petty reasons? And perhaps most importantly, would he dare to defend his empty arguments in my face, as he had done so far?
I just nodded in the end, making one of the farthest stones away from him my seat. It would be a long night, but I had promised myself that I would have the patience to listen to his speech until the very end, to finally put an end to anything that still bound me to this man.
"I was born and raised in Highever, within the walls of Castle Cousland." Noah began to narrate after a long time in silence. "It's difficult to explain my reasons without mentioning a bit of my past first, since these events have contributed significantly to make me who I am now."
"Castle Cousland?" Mahariel asked, surprised. "You are the son of the lord of the lands of the north?" She would never have imagined that he was nobility, not by the way he dressed or by his way disheveled way of being. Of all the things she would think of a nobleman , sitting on the ground to caress a dog was not even on the list.
Noah just nodded. "Bryce was ..." The words died in his throat. It was still too soon and too painful to talk of his own father in the past tense." I am the second son of the Teyrn, yes." He cleared his throat and gave a slight cough, a small attempt to restrain the tears that threatened to form in his eyes. "Anyway, I grew up learning to value two things above all others - loyalty and trust.
"These principles are the basis of everything. They guide all kinds of relationships, from the simplest to the most complex, from the brief contact with an unknown person in the street to the behavior that we should have with the person who shares our bed at the end each day. It's the real difference between the success or failure of a householder, or a General of a platoon ... "
"I thought you wanted to tell me a story, not a moral lesson," Mahariel questioned bitterly. "Us elves, we understand and value these virtues more than you humans would be able to ... "
"When you ran away," Noah growled loudly, interrupting her. "You proved that your loyalty was only to yourself, and that the confidence Duncan had placed in you had been in vain."
"I was dying," she protested, standing up. "I do not doubt that, if things had been different, you would have done the same."
"But it's not different," he cut sharply. "You ran away, and that is the reality you have to face." He gestured for her to sit down again, leaning against the tree. "I still do not trust you."
Mahariel laughed humorlessly this time. "You can be sure that it is mutual."
"If I still endure your presence," he continued, ignoring her comment. "It's because you have made an oath to that red haired brat." Mahariel frowned hearing him speak that way of Kallian. "Hierarchies exist for a reason. If you swore your loyality to the group leader, then you are an ally of the group, so while we're with our weapons in hand, I'll protect your back with my life, because that's how I was raised - Loyalty to my companions, loyalty to my brother in arms. Otherwise, don't expect anything from me. Not even my sympathy." He frowned, his gaze lost in the river. "People like you are the one I despise the most."
"Elves, you mean," she hissed, feeling the blood rushing to her head. So, he was a despicable racist like everyone else. For her, this talk was just confirming something that, deep inside, she already knew - he was a human, and was honoring their fame.
"Deserters, traitors, cowards," he enumerated, looking directly into her eyes. His had a different glow, a glimpse of hatred that burned deep in his brown irises. However, Mahariel realized that for the first time, all this hatred was not directed at her. "People selfish enough to ignore the welfare of the others to achieve their goals. People like him ... "
"You ran away," she said, remembering how Noah had turned his back and abandoned them all on the road without thinking twice.
"But I returned," he snapped irritably.
"So did I," she said, crossing her arms. "You are as despicable as you believe I am, human."
Noah was about to open his mouth to answer, but opted for silence instead. Kallian had given him a slap on his face, and thwarted all his orders, and that rose up to his head. More than that, the little elf wanted him to save the type of person he swore to himself that he would never leave unpunished. There was a lot at stake, many conflicting feelings, and he relented to the pressure. But that did not mean he had thrown away confidence and loyalty to the group. So much so that Kallian had accepted him back .
But ... She also accepted Mahariel back, so ...
Noah sighed. "My life is a mess," he admitted, raising both hands to his face, leaving only his eyes uncovered. "If you expect me to apologize for what I did, don't waste your time ... "
She did not answer, only stared in silence as he sank further and further into his hands, his angry figure failing apart before her eyes. He was too unstable, she thought, wondering why the sight of him being consumed by his own feelings generated so much curiosity within her. She was not pleased, as she had imagined she would feel upon watching him paying for his sins. There was just this intriguing curiosity, a hunger for exploring the layers of his so controversial personality.
She wanted to understand him.
"Who is he?" she asked after a long silence, remembering the hatred that burned in his eyes when speaking of this man.
He turned his head slowly toward her, resting the side of his head in his hands. At first, he thought that it was too daring of the hunter to pry into his life in such a way. But, when his eyes met hers, he didn't see the gleam of contempt that he usually found there, much less shame or judgment - just a pair of green eyes, dark as the grass that touched his feet , curiously shaped and glittering under the moonlight .
Sincere eyes, trusting and naive, which penetrated his soul without permission and read him like a book.
Sighing again, he decided to return her honesty, "A mage. Young, irresponsible, who ruined part of my life."
"What did he do?" she asked, encouraging him to go on.
He measured his words before continuing. "He thought he was ... just like anyone else, and his actions would not have relevance." Noah scratched his head, forcing his eyes shut to stop the tears from falling. "Long story short, we were at war with a large group of rebels who were massacring our troops faster than we would like. It was only a matter of time until Highever fell under his command.
"My sister was one of the reinforcements sent by the Circle to try to contain the riots. ... She was a good person. Gentle and determined, and somewhat sassy... " Just like the elf, he thought, but did not give it voice. "We had an efficient contention plan, something that would cut the root of evil once and for all...
"But there was this mage. He thought he was just one more, a number, that would be insignificant within this grand plan." Noah sighed. "He thought his freedom was more important than the simple task given to him, and it did not take long for him to surrender to temptation and show everyone with whom his loyalty really lay.
"The consequences of his choices held repercussions that were catastrophic, and being a student of my sister, she felt responsible for stopping him. And then... " Noah huffed, banging his head against his bare hands.
"She 'was' ?" Mahariel asked, now with a twinge of sadness in her eyes. She could see how their situations was similar, or how he must have felt when faced with a similar scenario, but still, she was not like that mage. Her loyalty was something real and unquestionable, and her actions did not justify the severe judgment he had put upon her. "She ... ?"
"Died? No," he whispered, "But for someone like her, it was basically the same thing."
Silence reigned again - as he struggled to keep his composure and not look weak in front of her, she took the time to processed the information carefully.
"What happened?" she asked, her voice as low as his.
"I'd rather not talk about it. ***" He looked away, hiding his face in his hands again. "Anyway, I do not know if she is alive or not. She disappeared more than five years ago, and since then, I have never heard of her again. And now, with the Blight spreading like a plague throughout Ferelden... Not even the Maker must know what happened to her."
Mahariel was thoughtful for a moment, staring at the ground. Whatever happened, it must have been a pretty big trauma for him. And considering how humans treat mages of their kind, it was not difficult to understand how that had changed him forever. Things like that always leave scars that are rarely cured, and from time to time, they always ache again. She herself had her own - it was not like she was not able to put on his shoes for at least a moment.
"But if something goes wrong, she can go home, right?" Mahariel asked. "To Highever?"
Noah laughed so loud and so hard that the Dalish almost fell off the rock where she sat, such was her surprise.
"If she returns, she will find Rendon Howe more than willing to exterminate one of the last surviving Couslands." His smirk gave her chills. "I have no home, Dalish hunter. My family, my friends, even my dog was exterminated by a traitor, the best friend of my father." Noah 's chin trembled as he remembered the last moments with his father, the day he left the castle. "Everyone died right before my eyes, and I could not do anything to stop it from happening. And you know what scares me most, tree hugger? Knowing that my brother and sister are lost out there, unaware of what awaits them if they come back to the place that they once called home."
Mahariel just listened intently, shocked to know how much she was able to understand his suffering. Shocked to know how his story matched hers, and as a result, she could not help but feel her hatred for him begin to fade, at least a little.
"And all of it began with a single, individualistic attitude," Noah said. "All my problems. You can not say that my judgment was too harsh or wrong, elf, not after having heard it all."
He did not wait for an answer, just stood staggering, brushing the earth and dust from his clothing.
"Why tell me all this, if you dont care?" she asked, following him with her eyes.
He just shrugged, still with a sad expression. "... I just needed to talk... and you looked like you needed to hear," He looked at her again, intrigued by the brilliance of her green eyes. "Call it coincidence if you want."
He began to walk back to camp, but she stopped him, rising quickly from the stone in one of her rogue moves, holding his arm. "Wait."
Noah just turned slowly, feeling the soft warm touch of her hand on his skin. Hesitantly, she handed him a bottle with a dark green líquid.
"Drink it," she commanded gently, much to her own surprise. "It will make you feel better."
Noah looked at the bottle again, wondering what she had put in there. Would it kill him? He thought, shaking the flask while inspecting the unknown liquid rotating within the glass. Finally, he just shrugged and took a long swallow, considering that he had nothing more to lose.
Thus, the strong and bitter taste of lemon balm and chamomile soon filled his mouth, making him instinctively turn up his nose.
"Is this calming?" he asked , with his tongue slightly out of his mouth. He hated lemongrass with a passion and would recognize that taste of a worn boot anywhere.
Mahariel just nodded without saying a word, waiting to be reprimanded in some way. But to her surprise, he just shrugged again and drank the liquid in a single gulp, before throwing the bottle in one of the bushes and disappearing into the woods.
He said he did not trust her, but he'd just drank something she had given him without questioning its contents.
Definitely, he was a mysterious human.
Mahariel
I returned to the camp, but didn't follow Noah - I went through the same path that I had followed previously to reach the river, so that it passed far as possible from him. I did not rush, just walked slowly through the forest, feeling the earth and grass brushing my fingers while trying to find my own peace.
All was well until, just imagine, a ball of paper hit my head.
"But what... ?" There was a scrawled piece of paper carelessly crumpled into an irregular ball, which now lay on my feet . I was very close to the camp, and considering the fact that I'd seen Da'shal repeatedly thumbing a thick notebook, did not doubt that it was her work.
She was still awake. I would definitely be dropping her from that tree.
While I approached, I opened the paper slowly, curious to know the reason for the disposal. But soon regretted having done it.
The paper had a painfully detailed drawing of three faceless children hanged from a tree, while the fire consumed all life around them. It hurt just to look at the drawing, so strong were those scribbles.
I looked at Kallian, who was still in the tree, hugging her thick leather-bound notebook and staring at nothing, as serious as I'd never seen before. The dark circles under her yellow eyes that glowed brightly, reflecting the flames of the fire, gave her a look even more dark.
At the foot of the tree, lay several pieces of broken coal.
I looked at the drawing again, and noticed the dusty, dark powder littering the tip of my fingers. I do not know why, but I decided to turn the paper over, and again, I regretted having done so.
It was a short letter, or a long note, if you care that much, whose words were written in large letters, blurry, as if they were written during a severe storm:
Father, I cannot stand it anymore.
It is so much death, so much destruction, so much chaos ... Father, I can not help but imagine your face, or Soris, or Shianni every time I see someone killed in this damn war. I Cannot help but fear the worst and think that if the situation were different, you could have been there, and not these other unfortunates one who didn't have the same luck.
My group is in pieces. All of them are gravely shaken in one way or another, and, somehow, they look at me, seeking leadership. Seeking guidance. To me, when I can not even reconcile my own feelings.
How could I convince them that everything was fine, and that we needed to have faith in our cause when I, myself, had lost mine?
I try to hold on to the idea of "placing their wellfare above mine", to convince myself that their problems solved were more important than solving mine, but I do not know how long I'll be able to hold on that lie.
The truth is that I 'm tired of not being able to solve any problem. I'm tired of giving my blood in everything I do and not be able to save anyone. TO change anything. I can not stop the blood from gushing, or the tears from flowing. I fight, and fight, and fight, and in the end, it seems that I did nothing - it was all a long walk in circles.
I am a Grey Warden now, father. And I have no idea what I'm doing.
I looked at Kallian again - she was plunged into her own specific thoughts, closed off from the rest of the world while trying not to break. While trying to suppress her own panic and despair. To find a way to make it work and still be able to lead a group that was just attached by a thin silk thread, which would snap in the slightest breeze.
I felt like an outsider, as if listening to a conversation behind a locked door that I was not supposed to hear. Someone who had read the journal of another without permission, digging into the deepest feelings that she wanted so desperately to hide.
Instead of fighting with her for being awake after almost having died, I left her in peace - I moved silently to a corner away from the others and lay down.
Kallian, in her own way, gave comfort and peace to everyone without asking for anything in return. It seemed only fair to give her some time to herself, and I would not be the first to disturb her.
A\N: Another longish chapter, with a lot of different feelings crashing against each other. Mahariel still doesn't know if she should hate humans or not, and can't understand why is she able to empathize so much with Noah and Leliana. Kali is taking everything on to herself, and Noah has shown some signs of sanity, although he is also unable to decide between being a jerk and finally allowing someone to reach him in this deep abyss of despair.
The dice are rolling. What is your bet, my dear readers, about their future? Next chapter we will start the Brecilian's Arc, and I promise some surprises on our journey :)
By the way, here's the thing. Did you noticed the "***"? So, I will be telling this tale in deep details in a short story with the name of Eyes of the Heart. The first chapter is already available on my profile, and I would appreciate a lof if you guys would check it out if you have time.
It's Noah's sister story, a Circle love story, that will tell the events that traumatized Noah so much about Cowards, traitors, and explain his hatred towards the templars. It's basically the same style as this story - both perspectives, with the deep insight of the characters and such.
This is really important to me, and would make me really happy to hear your thoughts about it :)
Okay, enough talk. Thanks for reading, for your patience, and for the AMAZING reviews! I love you all! :D