SEVEN

And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand

Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on,

But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning

Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart

Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent,

All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain,

All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over

There's a light, there's the sun, taking all shattered ones

To the place we belong and his love will conquer all

- "Shattered," Trading Yesterday

"Alana - " he started, walking towards her with his hands in the air, but she cut him off, fire in her eyes, but tears as well, ice in her voice, but a tremor that told him that she was, not, in fact, sure, but had reached her limit, was through with it all.

"Who are you?"

The tone of her voice and the mere question itself hurt him more than it should have.

"Thor told you."

It was not a question. His brother, foolish as he was, would have told her, he knew that, but she would have found out somehow, reasoned the portion of his brain that still loved Thor.

He quickly silenced that part.

"Who are you to me?" she asked again, voice trembling.

"Alana, please – "

"Don't say my name."

"I can explain," he said, trying to placate her, to calm her, "please, just let me try."

He started to walk toward her slowly, feet silent, remembering that night that they kissed, right here, in this room, and she was his and the world was right and her lips were sweet and -

"Don't move."

"All right," he said, "all right," retreating slightly, one hand raised in a conciliatory gesture, one resting on the table, a finger barely grazing the cover of Hamlet.

Alana's eyes flashed to the book for barely an instant and she doubled over, collapsing, as a flashback took her once more.

Lying together on the worn leather couch, cradled against his side, his arm wrapped comfortingly around her, dozing off, drifting into sleep as his low voice, his smooth voice, the voice that she loves, murmurs the tragedy of Hamlet to her, the mad prince, his lost love, words of betrayal, deceit, and yet words of beauty, speaking them in a voice that is hypnotic, beautiful, more beautiful than silk, than lilies. Before she drops off completely, lulled by his voice, she hears him whisper to her, soft lips grazing her ear, "Doubt thou that the stars are fire, doubt that the earth doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love." He kisses her forehead tenderly, sealing his promise, and then she is asleep.

She screamed, feeling as if her head was splitting in two, her mind writhing in pain, and he could feel it too, her anguish, her uncertainty and her pain, amplified to him, her other half, missing for so long.

He moved towards her, worry written on his brow, concern in his eyes, but she rasped, "Don't move!"

He did so anyways, crouching down beside her, hands gentle, placating. "Alana, please, let me try to explain. I never meant - "

"No. Don't speak. Please."

She covered her eyes with her hands, struggling to restrain her tears, trying to calm herself down, breathing deeply. This pain was more than she could bear, but she had to know, she had to. "Everything you do, everything you say, it hurts."

Loki looked at her sadly. How had they come to this? Their love that he had thought was so strong had vanished from her mind with the help of a few wires and computers, and he didn't know either anymore, he didn't know if he had imagined it or not.

Alana took a deep breath, determinedly not looking at him, her eyes fixed on a point in the wall.

"You lied. And somehow, this doesn't really surprise me. But I want to know why. Why that doesn't surprise me. And couldn't you – " her voice finally broke, "couldn't you have helped me?"

A tear slipped out of her eye, and he wanted nothing more than to reach out and brush it away, to kiss it away, but instead he balled his hand into a fist, feeling his nails pierce his palm, the sharp pain grounding him firmly in the moment.

"I just want to know what happened to me. Please. Just… help me."

He nodded cautiously, and then spoke softly, hesitantly, unsure of what to say.

"I might be able… I think I could stop your flashbacks. Or try to. All those books that I was reading… they were for you. And I finally found one…. But I don't know what would happen – to you or to your mind."

"First tell me. What happened to me?"

He didn't know how to break it to her gently, and he was so sick of lying to her.

"Your mind was wiped. Your memories were stolen."

She did not move.

"You… were chosen to guard me when I fell here."

She let out a little scoff. "Why me? I'm the worst person – I'm the worst possible person who they could choose to guard someone, much less someone like you. Haven't you noticed how trusting I am?" she spat bitterly.

That stung like a knife wound, but he pressed on, determined, now that he had started, to try to bring her back.

"You have special abilities. That's why. You were the only person who could possibly stop me… if something happened."

"I'm so gonna beat you up," she says, smiling at him, frosty wind whipping a strand of black hair in his eyes. "You can try," he smirks, cocky and self-assure, and she wants to kiss him -

She inhaled deeply, shaking the memory off, clenching her eyes shut. Loki stopped talking and looked at her worriedly.

"Keep going," she said, jaw clenched tight.

He ran his fingers through his hair. "Alana, I - "

"Keep going."

But he was scared now, he was terrified, because if the memories hurt her without the knowledge of them, what would happen when she found out the truth? What if something happened, what if breaking the wall meant breaking her? Holding her as she died, his fault, all his fault, but this torture that she was going through was his fault too, and he didn't know what to do anymore, didn't know what was right or what was wrong anymore. "I can't – " he started, but she cut him off once more, eyes blazing, her full anger, the depth of her desperation finally washing over him.

"Why won't you tell me? What happened? It's my life, I think I have a right to know! I wake up every morning and wonder who I am, what I'm missing. It feels like I've been torn in half, like I'm not whole anymore! I can't remember why my parents and brother are gone, why I'm even in S.H.I.E.L.D., I can't remember anything! And the little that I thought I knew is being destroyed, inch by inch, with every lying word that comes out of your mouth, Loki! Who are you, really? I guarded you? You fell here? And I have special powers, so I could take you down? Is my life a book to be rewritten as you see fit?" She paused, chest heaving, and Loki wanted to run, to flee from this vengeful goddess, not the person he knew and yet the same, except she hated him, she hated him and would never – no, could never trust him again, and every word out of her mouth was true, he had lied to her and murdered for her, not been there for her, alienated her, his fault, his fault, his fault.

"And you… who are you? Really? Why are you in my head, what do all – what do all these scenes mean? Did they actually, truly happen, or is it just your perverted idea of a prank, Trickster?" She spat the last word, the title he had once been so proud of, and he felt the fire start to grow in him, he felt the injustice and that old feeling of utter recklessness rise to the surface, so familiar, tempting him, tantalizing him with its power. He would see her cower; she would bow before him – no, no, what was happening? He needed her, he loved her! But he was swept away by her fury, and as she shouted, "What did you DO to me?" he shouted at her, point-blank, he raged, "I LOVED YOU!"

Silence in the room, and she looked empty.

But his fire was not so easily stopped by silence, and he continued, pouring out his frustration and his fear and his pain and his sorrow. "I loved you from the moment I saw you and all the moments after, the moment you threatened me, joked with me, hid yourself from me, taunted me. I loved you when I kissed you in this very room, and you kissed me back, and pushed me away, and told me your secrets under the stars, I loved you when you lay in my arms, I loved you when we did nothing together, when you burned the food, when you made me watch movies with you in the middle of the night, I loved you when you almost punched me when I snuck into your bed one night, I loved you when you were taken away from me, screaming, by S.H.I.E.L.D., I loved you while you were having your mind wiped and I stayed by your side, and I have loved you every moment since then."

He paused, then added, viciously, "And you loved me back."

Alana looked as if she had been run over. Her mouth was open slightly, her eyes wide but dry, her lip trembling. "Did you love her?" she remembered, and his response, "More than life." And as he had vented, pouring out his soul, baring it deep, she had remembered, all those nights in his arms, all those tears, the laughter, the sorrow, the kisses stolen late at night, and he had been hers, and she had loved him, and – oh, God, what had she said to him? What had she done? Her memories flooded through, her wall finally broken, finally shattered, broken by his anger, by her anger.

Broken by his love.

But she had hurt him, hurt him deeper than ever, he had been trying to help her, but she had lashed out, and now there was a chasm between them, a chasm she could not cross. Oh, Loki. What have I done?

My fault.

They stared at each other, and Loki felt the rage subside slightly, enough for the regret to set in. Alana, what have I done?

If she was broken, it was his fault.

All my fault.

"Loki?" she whispered finally. "Please…" she stretched out her hand to him.

He turned away, unable to bear it. How many times must I hurt you before you leave me forever?

"Don't go," she whispered. "I think… I think my memories are back." She sounded unsure and hesitant.

Her head was beginning to hurt, a sharp pain behind her eyes, she felt dizzy, swaying slightly – so many memories flooding my head, all at once - and his back was still turned to her, was he going to leave? No, she didn't want that, she wanted him again, his arms – it hurts, I can't take it, no, hold on for him - why was the room spinning?

"Please don't leave," she said, and then collapsed to the floor.