Chapter 48

A Fissure in the Broken Man's Shield

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When Kallian opened her eyes in the morning, she immediately regretted having done so.

First, they were sticky, like someone had smeared them with glue. The effort she made to try to open them immediately made her head spin, even more after facing the rays of sunlight that entered into the tent through the gaps in the cloth. She tried to shut her eyes tightly in a silly reflex to protect herself from the warm light, but the movement only awakened a latent pain inside her skull. At that time, she was unsure if she should keep her eyes opened or closed - both options seemed to be painful, and for the first time in her life, she wanted to be able to go back to sleep.

She hardly could, though - her breathing alone was enough to sent spasms of pain through every muscle of her body, in long and fierce waves of heat and cold, which seemed to run into her veins and explode from the inside out. The worst place was her right shoulder, especially in her mark, burning as if dipped in boiling water.

Because of the hallucinating pain in her joints, and the bile burning her stomach after such a long time without eating, her body was having a hard time deciding if it should be shivering with cold or sweating from the heat. Just in case, both things were happening, turning the soft blankets into her new object of both love and hate.

She decided to open her eyes again, and for the first time was able to identify Lanaya's tent, (although she would only find this out later) with the furniture scattered in a semicircle around two makeshift beds, and the canvas ceiling ripped here and there. Several pots with mixtures and herbs were scattered across the place, along with clean bandages and long leaves that Kallian judged to be a substitute for traditional gauze.

Turning her head slightly to scan the room was a relatively easy task compared to the experience that awakening had been - a trip back straight from hell, her soul being rammed back into her body with a giant hammer. She could not say that she was getting used to the pain, but at least now she could move a little bit without feeling like her body would dismantle at anytime.

Mahariel was lying in the adjacent bed. Not exactly lying , but fallen to the side, in a strange and uncomfortable way. She still had her arms crossed against her chest; her feet were hanging out of the bed, and her body was forming a "lying C" over the blankets, as if there was something invisible preventing her ribs from touching the bed. Her eyes were ornamented with a pair of deep, dark circles, and her wrists were marked with red - thin scarlet bracelets, dark against her pale skin.

It was not a pleasant sight.

"Eil..." Kallian tried, but her mouth was too viscous. Her throat screamed in protest, so dry that it felt like it would crack if another syllable was uttered.

Even as low as her dead whisper was, Mahariel seemed to have heard it - in one leap, the Dalish sat up in bed - her face contorted in pain. No one could resist after sleeping in that position who knows for how long, Kallian thought, but she could not utter a word.

"For the love of Andruil, Kallian!" She exclaimed, bringing both hands to her mouth. "Falon'din surely smiles on you, girl! By the Creators, nobody believed you'd wake up!"

The lack of faith is touching, she thought, but even if she had been able to speak, she would not have said it aloud. The relief on Mahariel's face was so intense, so sincere, that any attempt at sarcasm hit up against her happy aura and returned to Kallian as small waves of remorse. Again she tried to speak, but all that came out was a rough and dry growl, along with the feeling that her throath had been cut in two.

"Wait," said Mahariel, and soon she was limping to the other side of the bed, aiming for a flask that was resting on the table near the door. It didn't take long for her to return to Kallian's side, holding her head gently while she poured the fresh fluid into her mouth. Kallian felt part of the invisible cracks in her throat closing like magic. "Better?"

"Thank...you..." she whispered slowly, coughing between the words. She was surely relieved to be able to speak again, but it still hurt to pronounce some sounds.

"How do you feel?" Mahariel asked innocently, but regretted having done so upon noticing the scowl on the little elf's face. "I mean..."

As if I had been chewed by a dragon, trampled by an ogre, and taken a sermon from the Chantry, all at the same time, she thought, but the only thing that she was able to say was a weak bad before coughing again, and despite being physically okay with her throat, she felt the taste of copper invading her mouth. "Where am I?"

"In the Dalish camp," Mahariel said, beginning to examine her thoroughly. Kallian was burning with fever, but the pulse was normal, as was her breathing. "You slept for three days straight... Can you remember what happened?" Kallian frowned. The drums in her head didn't help her thinking much, but some memory fragments could be found here and there, if she put some effort into it. She just nodded, feeling too sick to attempt to say anything. She would probably throw up if she tried.

"Lethalan, I hate to be the villain, but the Keeper keeps complaining about the Qunari..." Lanaya entered the tent with a long sigh, visibly tired of trying to keep the peace between Zathrian and the Wardens. "He says that his presence on the ward scares the children and -Oh!" She nearly jumped in place, surprised to see the pair of golden eyes staring at her with so much curiosity. "By the Creators ... " Lanaya almost ran to the other side of the bed, using her magic on Kallian as if to get a diagnosis of her condition. Although invasive, the feeling of her mana entering into her pores was not at all bad - it was refreshing, and left a bittersweet taste in her mouth. It was not filled with negativity, but it was not completely benevolent either - there was a hint of hesitation there and even a bit of resentment amid the waves of relief, but Kallian thought they weren't exactly signs of danger, and completely relaxed while the golden rays roamed her muscles and cleansed the coppery taste from her mouth. "Falon'din smiles on you. You're really lucky."

Kallian knew Falon'din was one of the elven gods, but that was all. However, the image of the lion smiling came to her mind almost instantly, and she immediately wondered if this was as good as they believed.

"Thank you," Kallian managed to say this time, now with a calmer stomach. She was even seeing better, and the light didn't bother her anymore. The Qunari's image filled her peripheral vision, and she finally understood why Lanaya had complained. Really, any child would be frightened by this giant, muscular figure standing in front of the cloth door. She herself was, sometimes.

"Nobody ever woke up after reaching the point of no return..." Lanaya said, more to herself than to the others, and Kallian could hear a twinge of suspicion in her voice. "And you just woke up, a possibility that I didn't even believe existed in the first place." She seemed to think deeply on the matter. "Eilleen, maybe we should..."

"No, Lanaya," Mahariel growled, and Kallian noticed, due to her vague memories from the Fade and from their expressions, that this was an old discussion between them.

"Stop talking about me as if I wasn't here." Kallian was surprised not only to have found her voice, but to have it sound as firm as she'd desired. "I'm immune to the curse - no chains, please." However, the same strength hadn't yet reached her arms - she used her elbows to sit up, but fell back on the bed soon after, which released a torrent of pain to every cell in her body. "Argh."

"Kallian, stay down," Mahariel ordered with the harshness of a doctor, and she was forced to obey.

Lanaya didn't appear to be touched by her spasms of pain and asked unceremoniously. "Nobody mentioned a curse, and no one has spoken of chains." Now the distrust in her voice was palpable. "How did you...?"

"I heard you stumbling among the chains when you came near the bed," Kallian said firmly, thinking fast for her own good. No one should know what had happened in the Fade, and she had to control her freaking mouth better. "Also, I know what it's like to be chained - the feeling of bits of rust poking the skin as if they were small needles piercing the flesh, the smell of iron and copper mixed with sweat in the air, the red marks around the wrists... Which, by the way, are not only marked on me, but also on Eilleen, and I'd really like an explanation regarding this."

While Lanaya frowned, Mahariel smiled. In general, arrogance was a very nasty habit, but she admired it in Kallian - she had that peculiar gift of being able to face whoever it was, eye to eye, and with her head held high, without any kind of hesitation. And even now, sick and frail, she faced Lanaya with the firmness and conviction of someone who would be able to roll on the ground with her in a fight, if necessary.

"This is Lanaya, the First of the clan and my childhood friend." Mahariel cleared her throat, opting to try once more, as she'd been doing during the three days that proceeded, to mediate all kinds of conflicts that had arisen between just about everyone in the elven camp. She was sick of it, but it was the only way to move forward. "No need to be defensive - she is on our side."

"One friend who is capable of chaining the other does not inspire my confidence." Lanaya felt as if Kallian had slapped her in the face. Even Mahariel lowered her head, as if the comment had unearthed something she wanted to forget.

An uncomfortable silence ensued between the two while Kallian threw her head back, the headache pounding her skull stronger than before.

"This is a security measure," Lanaya said after a few minutes; in her eyes, a mixture of anger and sadness. "It pleases me no more than you, but I cannot trust in your word alone. You could still transform and kill everyone at any moment." She took a deep breath, the suspicion back in full force. "Unless you have information about this curse, and are hiding it from us."

Kallian froze, but didn't allow the distress to reach her eyes. With the same firmness in her voice, she set up her argument. "I saw my friend turn into a monster in a few hours. I'm talking with you now, after three days, and if I'm still the same, then that must mean that even if I am not immune, at least my body is resisting whatever it is." She paused to cough, and more blood stained the bedsheets. It didn't stop her though, and her rough voice echoed through the tent. "Also, if something that can force a man to destroy his own friends cannot be considered a curse, then I think nothing else can." Her voice trembled at the end of the sentence, but Lanaya couldn't have noticed, not between the coughs.

At that time, the First had so many opinions regarding the small elf that it seemed to her like a brilliant kaleidoscope. The only thing Lanaya could say for sure was that Kallian was able to argue with conviction, which visibly relaxed the tension in her shoulders.

As a gesture of peace, Lanaya touched her throat gently, sending more golden rays to relieve her pain.

"Thank you," Kallian said sincerely, catching Lanaya by surprise. The memories of her last moments began to bombard her mind - Alistair, his spasms of pain, his bones snapping against his back, the sharp teeth ripping his lips... And mostly, the brightness of his confused and frightened eyes before the curse took control of his senses... and that last breath before he nearly killed her.

The situation wasn't nearly as disturbing as she thought it would be. She should hate him for trying to kill her, be angry, resentful...Even fear him. She expected some post- traumatic stress, trauma and all the scars that a near-death experience can possibly provide, but all she felt was a huge emptiness, an aching void in her chest.

To look back and accept that he was gone was even more agonizing than the sheer pain of having his long teeth ripping through her nerves. It was so comical that she could accept the idea of her own death in such peace, but on the other hand, had so vehemently refused to accept his. She just couldn't, it was not right. With whom would she talk now? Who would share stolen moments on the stairs with her, the bad jokes or the bottles of fruit juice? Who would defend her when Noah acted like an idiot, or would agree to enter inside a burning chapel with her? Who would complain about the dark circles beneath her eyes and then send her to sleep regardless of her bad mood?

The thought made her stomach wrap violently. She would never be able to compete with him about who saved each other more often, because she had failed and now he was dead.

Her eyes began to burn. She could see his face when she closed her eyes - his true face, with that beautiful crooked smile, not the wolf - and suddenly she deeply regretted never having drawn him. Never having captured his sweet face with her charcoal.. Kallian was able to picture him so clearly, as if he was standing right in front of her, and was more than sure that she could do it if she tried, but... she didn't want that. Not like this, not now when it was too late, and just remembering made her heart ache beyond bearing.

Lanaya just watched silently, Kallian's eyes shining while her face contorted slightly to prevent the tears from falling.

"We lost Alistair, didn't we?" Kallian asked after a long silence, her voice too low for either of them to sense the sadness hidden in her words.

"He's gone," Mahariel said. "We don't know where he went."

"You don't know where he went?!" Kallian almost choked, and Mahariel noted with surprise as the brightness of the tears turned into hope in her golden eyes. The Dalish already accepted her alliances with the humans, but had never thought she was so attached to him. "But I saw Noah ... "

"He missed the hit," Mahariel shrugged. Something inside her said it wasn't true, but didn't think that Kallian would care about her suspicions. "He took a glancing blow, and vanished among the trees soon after. Da'shal! What think you're doing?!" Mahariel reach out to Kallian as she struggled to rise from the cot.

"I'll end this once and for all!" Instinctually, Kallian tried to stand again, but the movement caused such a violent reaction that her body fell back, as if she had been knocked out by an ogre. As she lay in the bed, panting with pain and exhaustion, she realized what she'd been about to do with horrified shock. For the sake of Alistair, she'd actually had the sudden strong impulse to confront Zathrian. And then, what? Enter into his tent and ask nicely, since they were like siblings, raised under the claws of the same demon? Nope, it would never happen. She couldn't simply smack his face either - as was her wish - and force him to lift the curse. It was impossible to expose Zathrian without exposing herself, without revealing the secret she had promised to take with her to the Void. Yet, she wanted to go there anyway, and no matter how wrong the idea was, nothing seemed to be able to completely suffocate this crazy impulse to get out of that bed and do something.

Seeing Kallian's renewed pain, Lanaya sent another wave of healing magic over the little elf before she began to vomit blood again. With steady hands, she pressed Kallian's shoulders against the bed to prevent her from another attempt at rising.

"There's nothing you can do in this state." Lanaya was emphatic, but Kallian didn't stop.

"And Noah?" Kallian asked, still struggling. "Where is he?"

"I am not sure..." Eilleen seemed to be more apologetic than informing - and that made Lanaya press Kallian against the bed harder, gaining her attention.

"You will help more being quiet and recovering yourself than hanging around causing mayhem and worrying your friends." Lanaya rose from the bed once she realized that the redhead would no longer speak with her. "Don't complicate things more than they already are. Think a little about Eilleen, because all she's done until now was think about you."

Not even the harsh words of Lanaya hit Kallian harder than the dark circles under Eilleen's eyes, or the faint smile that appeared on her lips when their eyes met.

"And I don't even understand why," continued Lanaya, making Kallian sink further into her guilt. "You're just a selfish, rude child who is lucky enough to have people out there fighting for her."

"Lanaya, enough, please..." Mahariel pleaded. She did not know how, but things were getting out of control again. It had been like that a lot lately.

Lanaya would have answered, but Kallian raised her hand, taking the word for herself. "Compared to both of you, maybe I can be called a child, yes," she began, and her voice had the same firmness as before, and more conviction than anything she had said since she woke up. "If by rude, you mean people who question what they find contradictory, then maybe I can be called that too, although I am sure there was no single time that I was rude in my questioning." Mahariel only listened in silence. "Selfish? It's possible. All living beings carry different levels of selfishness inside themselves. It's in our blood, we can't avoid it. Now that you have spoken your mind, it's my turn to tell you some things, as welll," Kallian forced herself to sit, in a controlled and careful effort not to fall back again. She had to say that while looking deeply into Lanaya's eyes, on the same level and with the strength of her pride, instead of lying on the bed, beaten and weak. "When I look at you, I see a bit of distrust and the need to thwart. You hate me, but have feelings for Eilleen, and perhaps that's why you're still taking care of me instead of watch with delight as I die choking on my own blood.

"But there are also other things. Hesitation, mostly." Kallian continued, joining the pieces together inside her mind. She remembered perfectly Lanaya and Zathrian's talking in her dreams, and was trying to use her knowledge prudently. "From what I can see, we're being held as prisioners, and you appear as a friendly face amid all this chaos - someone who we were supposed to trust. Yet, how to trust someone who doesn't even chose a side?" Lanaya looked as if she was going to protest, but Kallian raised a hand again. "You can say whatever you want, but you allowed her to be chained. Allowed us to be chained." She raised her own wrists, the red bracelets healing stilll. "There are but two sides here - prisoners and jailers. If you are serving both sides it's either because both benefit you in some way, or because you want to betrayone of them eventually, and I honestly prefer to not believe the latter."

Lanaya said nothing. Only she knew how hard it was to please Zathrian's wishes and at the same time, try to sustain a healthy and dignified stay at the camp for Mahariel and her companions. She had chained them occasionally, and sometimes Zathrian made sure to tighten them magically overnight, so the bruises were recurrent. But it wasn't her fault - she needed to be on Zathrian's side to have the power to relieve their pain, otherwise it would not be good for anyone. Angry as he was, Zathrian would make their stay a living hell, if she didn't comply with him. Moreover, part of her still believed in Zathrian and his sense of justice - she believed, from the bottom of her heart, that he would see the big mistake being made, and that everything would be well in the end.

To have, however, a stranger reading the situation so accurately was a nuisance to say the least.

"I have my own obligations - people I care about, who I am responsible for, and I am utterly loyal to them. Although, I find it hard to believe that you could understand what that sort of bond means." She was forced to lay down again, too tired to finish her speech in the manner she'd begun. "I woke up in a strange place, completely beaten and stuck to a bed while my companions are doomed to destroy each other, somewhere out there." She sighed, shaking her head. "I know what you think of me, and maybe I am exactly that. But I cannot afford to trust in your beautiful smile without knowing who you really are. Not before being able to say for sure that you will not hurt my friends more than they already have been." She suddenly shuddered, remembering the words of the lion. Are you being honest with yourself?

Kallian was lying, she knew that. She was afraid of Lanaya, that she could possibly hurt Eilleen at the behest of Zathrian. The First had promised to burn Kallian's body, even after having sworn allegiance to the Dalish hunter, so she asked herself, what else would she be willing to do for the Keeper?

Kallian didn't want Mahariel to suffer, no more than she already was - she didn't know the whole story yet, about the rejection of the elves or the reason for her to be chained as well, but she suspected there was something very, very wrong. She saw Mahariel crying over her bed, and was sure that it was not solely because of her health.

"You'll have to accept what you recieve," said Lanaya. "Having your trust or not is irrelevant - life will happen with or without your blessing. I will, however, keep taking care of you, not because I like you, but because that's how I've been taught, and because that is my duty as a Healer." She walked towards the cloth door. "Nor do I believe that you're able to understand the obligations I have with my people as well, and honestly, I do not expect that one day you will understand, but that's how things are now, and for the sake of Eilleen, I hope you'll accept your situation and stop provoking matters which you have no knowledge of, because the weight of every wrong decision made will fall, not over yours, but over her shoulders." Despite the harshness in her words, it was not a threat, but a warning - almost a plea. "Think about it, for the sake of your people - that's all I expect from you."

And she left.

- x -

Eilleen said nothing as the minutes dragged on into the night. She ran her hands over her face several times in anxious reflex, sinking into her own thoughts just like an old pit collapses into the ground, burying itself with its own cold, heavy stones.

She was tired and lost, Kallian noted.

"Hey," said Kallian, stretching to reach the arm of her friend. "Sorry. You know, for being so selfish." Mahariel looked at her, and her soft expression encouraged Kallian to continue. "I should have considered your feelings before starting a witch hunt."

Mahariel shrugged. "You just said what everyone thinks, but wouldn't say."

Kallian sighed. "Even so ..."

"You fight for what you believe, Da'shal." Mahariel held Kallian's outstretched hand, placing it firmly between her own. "I cannot blame you for following what is right."

Kallian giggled for the first time since it had all began. "And if one day I decide that my right is scaring children and beating up little old ladies?"

Mahariel thought for a moment. "Then I'll have to try to put some sense into your head… or hunt you to the Void if I can't."

"I'm more relaxed to know that I have such a skilled person taking care of my sanity."

Eilleen just smiled, a soft sigh escaping from between her curved lips . She'd never thought she would hear Kallian's smart comments again. Yet, she could have been reciting children's rhyme's, and Eilleen still would have been delighted. Kallian's voice, however, was filled with sorrow, which no one seemed to notice. In the deepest corners of her mind, a scenario where the Lion's prophecy came true was taking shape - a world where she would turn into a cold-hearted monster which would burn her essence to ashes and use her own body to destroy everything she always tried so hard to protect.

She sighed. Mahariel's loyalty was beautiful, especially for someone like Kallian, who'd never had the pleasure of feeling like she was taken seriously before. But hardly anything would have been able to erase the heavy feelings such dark thoughts had inspired.

"What intrigued me the most was Lanaya's reaction - I've never seen her so aggressive before..." Mahariel continued, too immersed in her own thoughts to notice the weary expression of the redhead. "It sounded as if it was ... premeditated."

"Eilleen," Kallian called, settling better in bed. "There's so much tension in the air that is making me sick. What is happening?"

"I think there's no reason to hide... You will figure out a way to know anyway ..." Mahariel sighed, calmly explaining everything that had happened since Kallian became unconscious - from Alistair's escape, to the problem with the elves, including the unsubstantiated accusations of Zathrian.

Kallian listened intently while her head spun from a migraine. Now she finally understood why the Dalish had a raccoon mask under her eyes, and her hatred for Zathrian grew stronger. How he dared pit Eilleen's own people against her? He was the true villain, not her - the Keeper was just trying to get rid of the guilty.

But she didn't say that out loud - Eilleen didn't need to hear what she already knew. It wouldn't do her any good. Instead, she asked, "And Noah isn't back yet ? "

"No." She shook her head. "He left for the woods three days ago and no, I don't know why. It's not like him to give satisfaction to someone about what he does," she added quickly, realizing the question in Kallian's eyes.

The little elf opened her mouth, closing it soon after. She wasn't sure what she wanted to ask.

"Leliana said she heard something about a hideout and wolves while Noah and Zathrian were talking, right before he left, but that's all." Mahariel continued, remembering how the human had come to her shortly after the Qunari had appeared in the tent - with soaked clothes, hair pasted on his forehead and a visible despair shining in his bright blue eyes. She told how she had overheard their conversation, sneaking around the Keeper's tent when no one was looking. Leliana also told her how strong the rain was, and how difficult it was to hear anything clearly, but that even so, it was important nonetheless. "Now you know as much as we do."

"And you cannot leave the camp for political reasons." Kallian ran her hand over her forehead, wiping the cold sweat that was dripping into her eyes. Her migraine now looked like a battering ram, hammering her skull cruelly. "Those who are able to leave are unable to sense Noah... " she tried to sit up in bed. "I need to go after him. I am the only one who can..."

"No, you need to rest," Mahariel pushed her back to bed. "Just worry about your recovery. As for the rest…" She hesitated. "Everything will be alright."

Kallian didn't argue - she was feeling really bad, so she just nodded and settled back into the pillows. Their eyes met one last time before the blonde left the tent, but of one thing she was sure:

Neither believed the lie.

- x -

The rain was back, falling on the swaying trees with subtlety, lightly and very thin, as if the Creators were just washing the dust from the leaves to make them shine. The elves, however, were not deceived by the calm appearance of the sky - the winds heralded a violent storm, and it was coming faster than they would like. Yet, the preparations were complete - dams with sandbags protected the camp from the rising river, and everyone was safe under the protection of their tents.

Everyone but Noah.

He was standing alone under the protection of the craftsmen's workshop, and had been staring intensely at the infirmary for quite a while. He was aware of the storm, but didn't care.

Lately, he hardly cared about anything. Perhaps, he thought, he was losing the ability to care at all. It just seemed easier that way.

If that were true, though... he wouldn't be standing outside the infirmary, as he was now, instead of... Well, in fact, he wouldn't have considered this expedition out in the woods in the first place, without even knowing where to go or what to search.

Noah shook his head - this was not the first time that his heart conflicted with his mind. He had thought about it way too much during the last few days, questioning his logic and his reason, and concluded that thinking about such nonsense would not help him find answers. At least, not plausible answers.

He was afraid, that was the truth. Everything was beyond his control and nothing, absolutely nothing, was going according to plan. He was afraid of failing, afraid to enter in that tent and know that one of the two girls might be dead, even though he could feel their presence from miles away, so strong and vivid they were.

The memory of Kallian nearly dying in his arms terrified him - her fragile little body swinging without resistance as he ran, the blood painting the tips of his fingers as he unconsciously pressed the little elf tightly against his own chest, hoping to prevent her soul from escaping her body if he was not there to stop it… And her narrowed eyes, distant and lifeless...

He shook his head again and started walking toward the infirmary. It had been a long time since he'd seen movement inside the tent, and the dim light indicated that it was likely there was no one around. There would be no better time - It was already late, and with the storm coming, he doubted that anyone would show up. Even the Qunari, who'd promised to guard the place, was asleep near the entrance.

It was better that way - he needed no one around to disturb his peace.

When he entered the tent, he let out a long, deep sigh that he hadn't known he'd been holding. Relief, yes, but he didn't know if it was actually for being alone as he had hoped, or because the redheaded elf was still breathing.

Kallian was still very weak, but all the blood was gone - all the clothing and blankets were exchanged and spotlessly clean. The only candle in the place threw an orange veil over her pale skin, further highlighting her red hair, scattered on the white sheets.

She was weaker than he remembered.

Slowly, he circled her bed and sat on the adjacent one. His attention was so fixed on Kallian that he didn't notice Mahariel on the other side of the room, the furthest possible from the light, mixing some herbs and potions with her back to the entrance.

Realizing Noah had entered the tent, Mahariel embraced the shadows and hid behind of one of the bookshelves in an eerie silence. She wasn't sure exactly why she was hiding, but was relieved he was sitting with his back to where she was.

She was strangely satisfied upon seeing he was physically okay, although his appearance was the worst she'd ever seen.

His beard was much longer since the last time she'd seen him. A thick layer of long, brown hair was covering his chin, and made him appear to be several years older. Even his hair seemed longer, though she knew it was impossible to notice. Maybe it was his weary expression, she couldn't tell - she'd seen the marks of tiredness on his face when he'd entered, and that squeezed her heart.

He was really committed to honor his deal with Zathrian, whatever it was.

"You're alive," he said, his voice hoarse from a cold not yet healed. "That's… that's good."

Mahariel took a few good seconds to assimilate that he was talking with the sleeping figure of Kallian, and not scolding her for sneaking in the shadows to spy on him. On second thought... he must be really bad, because he always knew when she was in the shadows, yet in that moment, he didn't seem to care. Or worse , he really looked like he had not noticed her.

Her heart sank again.

"I thought you would be awake when I got back," he continued. "That you would give me one of your sermons for doing all the wrong things again, as usual."

There was a long silence between his words. Mahariel didn't know if he was waiting for an answer, or if he was just taking some time to himself.

"But no - you are just as I left you. Sleeping." There was a twinge of anger in his voice that he could not contain. "You started all this. Kicked my feet while I slept to say that you would save the world. That you, and probably the stupiest person in Ferelden, would save the world by yourselves. That was probably the most unfunny joke I've heard in my life, but there, back at Flemeth's hut, I believed in your words, elf. I believed . And what do you do? In the middle of the first serious crisis, you decide to stay and sleep!"

Noah stood up abruptly, and Mahariel sank further into the shadows. He began to walk from one side to the other, impatiently, as if unable to control the intense flow of things he wanted to say, like he was about to explode.

"How dare you leave the responsibility on my shoulders like that!?" he demanded, and though exalted, his voice was just a broken, rough whisper. "How do you expect me to solve everything by myself? You do everything by yourself, fuel all of our problems and expect me to know how to solve every single knot you left behind? I am not you!"

And with that, he threw himself on the bed again, sitting with a muffled sound. Mahariel could see the poor human burying his face in his hands.

"I'm not you, Kallian..." He sighed, letting a huge weight out of his chest as he spoke. More than blaming someone, he had to speak it aloud - share his agony with someone because he was already at his limit. "You always know what to do, always know what to say. You make it look easy, but actually is not. Nothing has never been so complicated, and I… I just can't do this alone." He sighed. "I need you."

Three words.

Those three words were like a punch in Mahariel stomach, and she soon felt queasy. The shock of finally having discovered the last piece of the puzzle that made up the human Noah was so strong that her legs failed - she had to lean on the wall to keep from falling to the ground. She just watched him move his hand gently on Kallian's forehead, lifting a few strands off her face as flashes of conversation with him on the riverbank came to her mind.

My life is a mess. I lost everything, she remembered his words .There's nothing left to care about.

"Just… Don't die, okay? That's all I ask." he continued, so low that if Eilleen did not have the acute hearing of elves, she probably wouldn't have heard him. "I don't know if I can stand to lose anyone else..."

"I have no home, Dalish hunter. My family, my friends, even my dog was exterminated by a traitor, the best friend of my father." Noah's words were echoing inside her mind. "Everyone died right before my eyes, and I could not do anything to stop it from happening."

For the first time, Mahariel wished she didn't know anything, and that she could still see him as a rude barbarian. The truth hit her like a devastating storm, destroying the roots of hatred in her soul and flooding her chest with compassion and sadness. She would never have imagined that the reason behind his constant and unbreakable wall of hate, was so fragile and heavy.

She wanted, against everything she believed in, to embrace him and say that everything would be alright.

At some point, she dropped one of the pots she'd been handling, and that made Noah stand in one leap, like a frightened child who was caught scratching the wall with charcoal.

Noah's eyes were wet, shining under the weak orange veil - or maybe her own eyes were blurred themselves, she couldn't tell which. They were also dark, especially with all the shadows playing on his face as the flame danced, his eyelids heavy as if he were intensely afflicted from his ghosts from the past. And pain, lots of pain. This was not the strong man she knew, but a frail and helpless figure, taken over by despair and agony.

That was Noah behind the hate - a wounded and lonely warrior.

"Noah..." She called, but he didn't give her time to finish. Her lips trembled, but he didn't seem to mind - with the same determination and speed in which he came, he left, leaving behind only the cloth door swinging with the winds of a storm that was just beginning.

She didn't need to go outside to know that he had already disappeared into the darkness.

With a heavy heart and eyes burning in agony, she sat on the bed, on the same spot he had been only a few moments before, with both hands on her face. By the Creators, how she wished she hadn't discovered any of it.

Noah was not the demon he made everyone believe he was. He spoke and acted like he didn't care, not to convince anyone else, but instead to convince himself, that nothing in this world mattered to him anymore - that he was immune to all the feelings that bound people to each other, that his heart was as cold as the ice covering the mountains around Orzammar. But the truth was that he was afraid to care about someone. Afraid to get too involved with someone, to create bonds of caring, and lose everything again, as had happened to his parents and friends.

He was afraid to suffer.

Mahariel laid sprawled on the bed. The truth about him hurt so much for various reasons, more than she was able to count. He'd left her to die, so what? That seemed such a distant past at that moment, mainly because she identified with his feelings. She knew what it was like to lose everyone - she'd lost her entire clan, her family, before joining the Sabrae, and knew very well what it was to be alone in this scary world, confused and lost. She was familiar with the pain of loss, more than she would like, and knew very well that, without Marethari and Merrill taking care of her, she would have never fully recovered - the scars remained, that was true, but it didn't hurt every time she breathed anymore.

What about Noah - what had he?

Instead of letting people get close to him, he was isolating himself more and more into the darkness of his heart, gradually dragged to the bleakest corners of his mind. He had embraced the pain, and in the end, he was suffering in an attempt to not suffer, and had not realized that yet..

She felt guilty for being so hard on him, for keeping him away when he tried to approach. Now it was she who wanted to approach him, but she was sure that he would repel her. And even if she could, she doubted she could do something about it.

But she wanted to try, regardless.

She sighed. Eyes closed, she breathed deeply, trying to calm the confused feelings in her chest, but all she noticed was the remnants of Noah's smell left in the sheets, invading her lungs. Mixed with the smell of wet earth and dirty clothes, she inhaled the scent of his skin, something like oak and seawater. It had a wild touch that suited him, as well as his slightly squared jaws, his broad shoulders, his fierce and vigilant eyes...

She had never paid attention to those little details before, but they seemed suddenly so important...

"Go after him," Kallian's voice cut through the air, almost at the same time as the drops of rain began to bump against the roof of the tent.

Mahariel rose in a jump. "What?"

"Don't leave him alone," Kallian said, as if she could read the blond's thoughts . Her yellow eyes stared at her with a mixture of sleepiness and supplication, small and heavy. "He won't make it."

"But I cannot leave the camp ..." Mahariel began, but Kallian cut her off.

"I would go if I could, but I only have you to trust in this matter. Noah is a great warrior, no question there, but he needs direction, and I cannot do it for him now. Maybe you can." She turned her head, fighting against the tiredness. "You can disappear whenever you want - sneak yourself out of the camp and go - no one will notice."

"Even if I could, what I would do? He does not listen to anyone!" Mahariel began hesitantly, but her eyes were shining because of the opportunity.

"He'll listen." Kallian said with conviction. "Bring him back. Knock his head if necessary and drag him here. But don't allow him to be alone."

"I cannot leave you alone with Zathrian." Her expression turned serious. "I cannot risk it."

"Zathrian won't hurt me," said Kallian with the same seriousness. She had the lion with her - although she didn't like to consider him an asset - and knew he wouldn't let Zathrian derail her plans." I can handle guys like him."

"No, you don't, Da'shal. He is really dangerous..."

"It won't be the first time that a dangerous guy tried to kill me, I assure you," Kallian admitted, trying to sound convincing. "I'll be fine."

Mahariel hesitated one last time, and Kallian saw the unshed tears turning into strength as she turned and ran out of the tent, kneading the mud with her bare feet as the rain washed all traces of hatred from a not so distant past, but that seemed irrelevant; She just allowed the warmth of empathy and compassion to guide her footsteps into the night, leaving not only the Dalish camp, but also all logic and reason behind.

A\N: I am really, really sorry for this stupid delay. It took longer than I thought, but a lot happened in the last weeks… College started, I had several problems here and there, and mostly important, I had an infuriating block that didn't allow me to write anything. Despite my scripts and notes (that were pretty clear about where I should go and how) the words just didn't come. It was infuriating. But it's solved now - the chapter itself was tricky, and ended up being the second longest of the story. I just hope you all like it.

Reviews are appreciated, too lol