As promised, I wrote a long chapter for this one! almost 5K words!

Also, i realize there was some confusion with some of you missing the last official update (not my author's note) so go back and make sure you read the last chapter before you read this one!

"You know you really love someone when you can't hate them for breaking your heart."

"Amber, put that down!" I exclaimed when I walked into my little girl's room and found her holding an open jar of paint. "What was Aunt May thinking, leaving this out?" I asked, taking it from her little hands and securing the lid on it once again. I put it on a high shelf, just to be safe. "Right, Aunt May doesn't have twins so she doesn't understand."

"What about Aunt May?" my sister asked as she walked in from the bathroom, wiping her hands on her pants. I just rolled my eyes at her while I took a wet wipe out to wipe Amber's hands with. "You're still helping with the dance practice today, right?"

I shrugged. "I don't know how much I can really help; you're a much better dancer than me."

May deflated. "C'mon Ames, you at least know the steps. I don't want to make a total fool out of myself at my wedding." I didn't say anything. I just took the wipe and threw it in the trash can. "I know, I know, your wedding day was also your coronation day and the happiest day of your life so the stakes were much higher for you…"

"May, where's Shalom?" I asked, not really wanting to hear anything more about my wedding day.

She looked around the room as if it was the first time she had been it. I had left the twins in her care; I expected them to be watched after. "Um, in your room, I think," she answered shakily.

I stormed out of their room and down the hall, throwing the doors open to my suite. There, at my desk, was Shalom. He had bits of torn paper in his hands and a book sitting open in front of him. "Shalom!" I barked, practically running to my desk and pulling papers out of his hands. "This was important work!" I groaned.

"Isn't that what your study is for? I mean, I thought you and Maxon had deemed that as a child-free zone?" May asked from the doorway.

"Well I wanted to do some work in here," I snapped.

She walked up to stand beside me, taking the book away from Shalom gingerly. "Ames, is everything okay between you and Maxon?"

"May, my marriage is my marriage and it's not yours to worry about," I told her. "You'll understand that in the next few days."

She nodded and took Shalom's hand. "I'll see you later then," she said quietly, leading the twins out of the room. I stood in front of my desk with my hands on my hips, taking in the mess that had been important papers I was trying to work on. I had finally found time to work and now my hard work was ruined.

With little else I could do, I sat down and started redoing it. I only got halfway through before I had to go down to the music parlor for May's dance lesson with Beckner. Aspen would have helped me but he had been running a few days ago and fell, thus preventing him from dancing. That left Maxon as my partner.

I hadn't seen my husband since dinner the night before where we had to put on smiles and pretend like we were a happy couple even happier to see May getting married. After dinner was a different story. I went to my suite to take care of the kids and he went to his study to work. I slept in my room that night and he slept in his. I was used to sleeping alone; I had been doing it for a few weeks.

With two very mobile toddlers, I could barely attend to being queen. We had to slate the Halloween ball because I just didn't have time to plan it. Halloween came and went with little to no acknowledgement from Maxon and I other than Maxon reminding parents on the Report to keep their children safe whilst out trick-or-treating.

Now it was November and everything in the palace was geared toward May's wedding to Beckner Leger, an event that was proving to be bigger than my own wedding to the king of Illea. If anyone had more publicity though than me it was May. The best part was that May thrived in the spotlight. I just liked to stay in the background, hiding behind the darling heirs of Illea.

Maxon was right on time, meaning he got there before me. May and Beckner were laughing about some joke while Gerad sat by the piano, ready to play the songs they would be dancing to. I walked up to Maxon, faking a smile at him. "Hello, stranger," I greeted, unable to keep the bite out of my words.

He fake-smiled back at me and my heart physically hurt to see the coldness in his eyes. "Hard at work this morning, I see," he said, his eyes catching the bit of paint on my hands. Only I could interpret his sarcasm as actual criticism.

I lowered my eyes, trying to rub it off but realizing that I would need hot soap and water. What did he expect? I was the one who had to take care of the twins. He would be in the same condition as me if he were in my position.

We walked to the middle of the room and assumed the position for the dance. Maxon's hand was in the suitable place on my back. It felt weird; he was never so conservative while we were dancing. This was exactly why I was so scared of dancing with him. It would just show how distant we had really become.

I couldn't look him in the eye as we danced. I had a strategy at balls and parties for whenever I had to dance with foreign dignitaries where I pretended that it was Maxon. It made making eye contact a lot easier. Unfortunately, I couldn't employ that strategy now so I looked at his left ear most of the time. His eyes weren't the warm dark chocolate I had grown accustomed to; they were dark brown stones that made me shiver if I looked at them for too long.

When Gerad ended the song, I sprang away from him like he had shocked me, wrapping my hands behind my back. I curtsied, hating every second of the formality. I just wanted Maxon back. My Maxon. Not this Clarkson-incarnation of Maxon that I was getting. What sucked was that I didn't know how to get my Maxon back.

I looked over at May and she didn't look excited like I expected she would. Instead she was clearly concerned. Shaking off her heavy glare I grabbed Beckner's hands and led him to where we were dancing to show him where to put his hands while Maxon did the same for May. Then we switched to show them both the steps. The entire time I felt Maxon's and May's eyes; Maxon angry and May curious.

May was always a better dancer than me and Beckner possessed the same graceful coordination and natural athleticism as his brother so it only took about a half hour for them to have the steps down. I joined Gerad on piano to add another pair of hands and making it sound more like it would with a quartet playing the music. I was out of practice but it at least distracted me from Maxon.

All too soon, May and Beckner were proficient in the traditional dance they had to learn and the five of us were left in the room for what would be time for socialization. To offset any true evidence that we weren't speaking, Maxon stayed for a few more minutes than I knew he wanted to. "Thank you so much for the help with our wedding. We realize that it's been hectic, trying to plan this wedding in four months," Beckner said, pouring May a cup of coffee.

"We love helping. It brings back warm memories of when we were planning our wedding," Maxon told him, putting an arm around my shoulders. His hand was too light on my shoulder, only his fingertips and part of his palm was touching me. We only physically touched while we were in front of friends and families. "Now, I do have a lot of work to attend to as does America so we'll leave you both to it."

I smiled at May and followed Maxon out. We walked in a tense silence back up to the third floor. "That was a nice touch…you talking about bringing back memories of our wedding. I just don't think you'd ever really say 'warm memories' though," I told him.

"Sorry, I'm not as good at acting as you," he said quietly, watching his feet closely as we walked down the hallway.

I frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded.

"You know what it means America." With that he walked into our study and shut the door loudly.

It was the first time we had talked in private in days and I suddenly wished that there were people around so we could pretend to be happy. Pretending made it hurt less. With his words echoing in my head I went back to the kids' room and relieved Kenna as babysitter.

That night, instead of going to my bedroom, I went to Maxon's. I refused to live like this anymore. In a matter of days the palace would be playing host to not just close friends and families but a number of allies and important royals. We had to present a united front and it was becoming clear that we weren't succeeding at that.

He was surprised to see me, that was obvious. "Hey," he greeted, his voice still cold. "What do you want?"

I started folding some of my clothes that had been freshly washed that day and were kept in Maxon's closet. "We need to talk," I told him.

He raised his eyebrows. "Really? What do we need to talk about?"

"What's new?" I asked, starting off easy. "Any new bills or ideas I need to know about?"

"There's one for combining driver's licenses and passports so that they could be on one card for those who need it," Maxon told me, loosening his tie. "You would know that if you came to a meeting every once in a while."

I whirled on him. "Oh no. you do not get to pin that on me."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the fact that you've been furious with me these past few weeks because of the lack of work I'm completing. Have you ever once considered the position I've been in? You've been so busy the past couple weeks that I've been taking care of the twins by myself. Maybe, before you get mad at me about not getting work done, you should think about how I've been a single parent to twins."

He held up a hand to stop me. "Enough complaining. Why don't you offer something of substance to me?"

I laughed, not believing the words that were coming out of his mouth. "We cannot go on like this. We can't keep lying to our friends and families, acting like everything is fine. Not this weekend when we're celebrating my little sister's marriage."

He nodded. "I agree, we can't go on like this anymore. Especially since I am not the actor you are."

"Okay, that's the second time you've said that to me today. What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean, America! I'm talking about that time where you lied to me for months and snuck around behind my back with another man!" he exploded.

I snorted. "For heaven's sake Maxon, how many times are you going to beat this dead horse? We're both married to different people now, why does it matter so much to you?"

"It matters because now that I know about it, it means that there's this part of me that doesn't trust you!"

I took a step back, bumping into the shelves of his closet behind me. This is where he apologizes. Where he takes back what he says. Where he pulls me into a hug and we cry and kiss and forgive. This is not where he stands there with no remorse in his eyes, not coming anywhere near me. I pushed away the tears that had gathered in my eyes. "Good to know that we've been married for four and a half years and you don't trust me," I finally said, still stunned. "After everything we've been through, you still don't trust me. After everything I've done for you…"

"Like what? Killing thousands of people in New Asia? Hiding a threat from New Asia from me? Forgetting to tell me that your father was a rebel? Trying to abolish the castes on your own? Yeah, you were doing so much for me then," he said sarcastically.

"You know what, I was prepared to save face for you this weekend but after what you have said to me tonight I am ready to let you do your own damage this weekend," I threatened.

He threw his hands up and then let them fall to his sides. "Fine, see how much I care."

"Oh, I think you'll care a lot when the Italians and Germans and all of our other closest allies notice that you're being a complete ass about all of this. You can at least fix that problem. The problem you won't be able to fix though is the relationship you're building with your children right now. You've become that father who's a stranger to them. A son growing up without the influence of his father. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? It must be something about the men in the Schreave family," I said darkly, pushing past him to leave his closet.

And he let me go, not saying anything else to me.

I threw myself into the work that had been piling up on my desk. Maxon was underestimating me and like always, I had to prove him wrong. It was definitely easier said than done but I would have to do it one way or another. Amber and Shalom would come into my room at night and sleep in my bed as I worked at my desk.

"Ma'am, you need to eat," Mary told me, holding a tray of now-cold food. It had sat there waiting to be eaten for a couple hours but I didn't have time for that.

I ignored her and instead asked, "Mary, could you please go get the trade agreement papers from King Maxon's study, please? I need the ones for Soviet Hungary."

She looked disappointed but left with the tray anyway, coming back a few minutes later with the papers I had asked for. It was past midnight and Maxon hardly ever worked past then so I took advantage of his absence and looked through his work. "This won't work at all," I said quietly, reading the agreement over. "The queen will never agree to this."

"What do you suggest we do, ma'am?" Mary asked.

"Schedule a meeting between me and her when she visits next week," I told her.

Mary frowned. "Ma'am, King Maxon told his advisers today that you were prohibited from scheduling such meetings."

I nodded, not surprised by that at all. The best thing Maxon could do as retaliation was take away my power. "We're just drinking tea, Mary," I said lightly, winking. I bowed my head to look at the paper again to keep reading.

The morning of May's wedding was sunny and warm. Kenna, Kamber, Celia, Ivy and I stayed in May's room in the palace all morning, getting our hair done and laughing. We put on our dresses and Mary hastily took mine in, not making a big show of it. I had lost a lot of weight in the last few weeks from stress and depression but it was important for that to not reach the press; it didn't look good for a country to have a sickly queen.

Kota walked May down the aisle in the Great Room, both of them smiling and laughing the whole way down. I stood in the front of the room with the other bridesmaids and watched my sister walk down the aisle to Beckner. I snuck a glance over at him and blushed when I saw the happiness in his eyes. Reflexively, I looked over at Maxon who was sitting on his throne off to the side. He happened to look at me and catch me staring. We both looked away quickly.

When I looked away it was to look at Aspen who was standing opposite me in the place for the best man. He mouthed, "You okay?" and I just shook my head and nodded to May. This day wasn't about me.

The ceremony was beautiful and May absolutely beamed through the entire thing. The wedding flowed into the reception out in the gardens. As custom, Maxon and I shared the first dance to ourselves. I actually shivered when his hand grasped mine and I couldn't tell if it was from fear or longing. I had nothing to say to him, making the dance awkward. Normally we couldn't shut up while we were dancing.

"When you take papers from my office, I'd appreciate it if they were returned to me in their original condition," he said coolly as we twirled around the room.

"I am queen Maxon. As long as I'm wearing this crown, I am your partner."

He grimaced and sighed deeply. "Did Mary or Silvia not inform you that I have removed your privilege of scheduling meetings with aristocrats of any kind?"

"Mary did tell me," I told him. "You can't stop me from being queen though. I have a duty to this country and I will see it through."

Other couples had stepped on to the floor so him stopping me was not noticeable. He pulled me painfully close, my body pressed up against his more than it had been in months. "You do have a duty and it is to raise our heirs properly. You will see it through and that will be your only job from now on."

I shook my head, staring him down, refusing to let him scare or intimidate me. "Try to stop me," I whispered. The music stopped and I curtsied politely to him. I didn't stay to watch him bow. I stormed away from the dance floor to seek solace from the only place I could think of.

Sitting on our bench seemed to amplify the pain even more. How was I supposed to work behind my king's back? It was definitely treason but I knew that no matter how mad he was at me, Maxon would never punish me.

"Ames?" a small voice squeaked from behind me.

I looked over my shoulder and saw May standing a few feet away. I was clearly crying and I couldn't stop the sad sob that escaped me when I saw her. "I'm fine Maybug, go back to your reception. Have fun and enjoy your night."

She sat down next to me and put a hand on my knee. "I can't have fun knowing that you're miserable," she said softly, staring at my intently. I hated myself for having a breakdown in front of her. I was always the strong one for her. "Whatever is going on between you and Maxon, you can tell me."

I shook my head. "I don't think I can tell you May. At this point, I'm not completely sure what is going on myself. Just that we're both really mad at the other."

"It's happened before. During the Selection you two were constantly fighting. Now look, you're married and have two beautiful children. If you could make it through that, surely you can make it through this."

"This is different May. We've never fought like this before. We've both said some really hateful things to each other and I don't know how we can ever forgive each other for that." I sniffed and laughed darkly at the situation I was in.

She shrugged. "Sometimes forgiving doesn't mean that you accept what happened. Sometimes it means simply acknowledging that it happened and moving forward because there are far better days to come."

"When did you get so smart?" I asked, putting an arm around her shoulder and resting my head against hers.

A guard cleared his throat behind us and I turned, wiping my eyes and checking to see that none of my makeup was running. "Yes, Tanner?" I asked.

"My queen, you've been summoned for the nursery," he reported.

I gave May a sad smile. "A mother's job is never done," I told her, squeezing her shoulder. I quickly made my way through the palace, taking shortcuts when necessary, to get to the palace.

When I walked in I saw Maxon kneeling on the floor with a howling Amber in his arms. She opened her eyes and saw me, practically throwing herself out of Maxon's arms to reach me. I lifted her up and settled her on my hip as she draped herself over me and sobbed into my shoulder. "It's okay, beautiful girl. I'm here, it's okay," I assured her, looking to Parrah, the twins' nanny. "What happened?" Shalom was also crying and clutching her leg.

"Nightmares, I think. They were both asleep and then Amber woke up, screaming and crying. Shalom followed shortly after," she informed me. "I tried to comfort them myself but she just kept saying that she wanted you."

I assumed as much with the way her body was already relaxing in my arms. "What are you doing here?" I asked Maxon.

"I was called up here too," he told me.

"Well you can go back to the party now," I snapped. "It's not like you're really going to help comfort them since they barely know you." Parrah lowered her eyes and picked up Shalom to comfort him. Maxon nodded slowly and excused himself quietly, leaving the room in silence.

Amber and Shalom had settled down again within a few minutes and I was able to leave them in Parrah's care. When I made it out to the hallway, I saw Maxon sitting on one of the benches along the wall. I walked away from him but he caught up to me and grabbed my wrist to stop me.

"I want to be involved," he told me, spinning me around to face him.

I pulled my wrist from his grasp roughly. "It's too late for that Maxon. You can do all you want now and be a father to your children but you can't mend the damage you've done to me." I stormed further down the hallway, set on heading down to the party but remembering I had left May's present on the fourth floor.

Maxon didn't say anything. He just kept following me. We were up there when the siren blasted through the palace. "Is this a drill?" I asked him.

"I didn't schedule one," he said, fear lacing his voice.

"The twins…" I started to run to the steps but Maxon pulled me back.

"Parrah will take them. We need to get to a safe room," he urged.

I thrashed in his arms, trying to break loose but he was so much stronger than me. "Let go of me, Maxon! We need to get the children!" He pulled me into one of the small safe rooms, locking the door before releasing me. "Dammit, Maxon! What about Amber and Shay?" I shouted at him, pushing him.

"America, sit down!" he ordered, trying to grab my shoulders but every time he tried I would step away. "Parrah probably already has them in a safe room."

My back finally hit the wall behind me and he was inches away. I could feel the heat radiating off of his naturally warm body. I could smell his cologne, so enticing. "They're my babies, I need to protect them," I told him one last time. "Let me out of here so I can do that." I tapped his chest where I knew the key rested inside his jacket.

"I would but I don't have the key," he informed me, folding his jacket over to reveal his empty pocket. "Where's yours?"

"Does it look like this dress has pockets?" I snapped.

He sighed, putting a hand on the wall by my head. "I want to get out of here to get the kids just as much as you do but we're stuck in here. We can't change that." He moved away from me and sat down on the bench, leaning his back against the wall.

It always seemed like we got stuck in these safe rooms when we were at our worst. The first time after that disastrous night on the Report, the second when his life was hanging in the balance, and now…when I didn't even know where we stood. "What a sick twist of fate this is," I sighed, sitting down next to him.

"Or maybe it's the universe telling us to sort out our problems," he argued.

I scoffed. "We need to know what the problem is first."

"We know the problem. You're not fulfilling your duties as queen."

"And you're not fulfilling your duties as father."

He was quiet. "So we're at an impasse."

"It appears so," I agreed. I put my head in my hands, staring down at the floor between my fancy shoes. "We can't go on like this Maxon."

There was another moment of silence again before he answered, "I agree. But how do we fix this? I can't ask you to step away from the kids."

"And I can't ask you to step away from being king. Ugh, this is impossible!" I exclaimed, standing up from the bench. "Not to mention the small issue where you don't trust me."

He held up a hand to stop me. "You're blowing that out of proportion. I was caught up in the moment and it just came out. I didn't mean that at all."

"Then please, enlighten me, what did you mean?"

"Just that there's this nonsensical part of me that has doubts. Like it or not, that image of you with Aspen is seared into my memory and whenever you withdraw from me like you've been doing, I can't help but think about that. Like I said, it's nonsensical. I know that you're devoted to me and that Aspen loves Lucy."

I leaned against the wall, not looking at him. "I understand. I know it's difficult for you to have Aspen and I so close, even if he did save our lives. Believe me, I'd feel the same way if you had Kriss here all of the time." My shoulders sagged a bit. "I'm just so tired. We're not cut out for working by ourselves."

"But I don't see a solution to this. I can try to spend more time with the kids but that doesn't lighten your load at all and it only burdens mine further. Not that Amber and Shay are a burden…"

I shook my head, smiling slightly. "They're not burdens. I love spending time with them it's just that…I'm all alone here. Marlee is busy taking care of Kile, not to mention the fact that she's pregnant again. Lucy and Kriss are also busy and Georgia is pregnant now too. My only confidante was Daphne until she moved back to France to take over the throne. Even my family is too busy with their own lives now." Tears gathered in my eyes and Maxon saw them but he made no move to comfort me. I could see that he was swallowed up in his own grief over this. "I don't know how you did this for nineteen years," I whispered quietly, seeing the parallel between my life now and his life before the Selection.

He shrugged, careful to not look directly at me. If he did his resolve to not comfort me would probably crumble. "It wasn't easy and it definitely wasn't enjoyable." He rubbed his hands together in front of him, stopping to play with his wedding ring. "If I could do anything, I would, but you know how busy I've been lately."

I nodded, walking to sit next to him on the bench. "I'm sorry about all of the awful things I've said to you."

"Me too. We certainly know how to bring out the worst in each other."

I laughed darkly, leaning my head on his shoulder, absorbing this little bubble of peace we had for the time being. I knew that once we were outside our lives would come apart again but for now I could pretend that we were back to the way we used to be.

This chapter was actually easy to write. I thought it's been a while since they had gotten in a big fight! Hope y'all liked it!

Someone the World Forgot: i'm really bad at smut and i just wasn't in the mood to write *that* !

winterprincess: omg, did you see the clip that was released today? i had major feels. literally every trailer brings tears to my eyes. real tears.

PEETAMELLARKLOVER123: i mean, i have chapters written that take place in Amber's adulthood! and you'll have to wait and see about the kids thing. you should get your answer to that in a few chapters (but don't hold me to that).

Prnamber3909: i know! my friends and i have had plans set to go see it since June! we're supposed to go to see it the wednesday after it comes out but i'm getting my wisdom teeth out earlier in the week so we'll have to see how i'm doing to go!

Kylie: yeah that just kind of came out of nowhere for me! i don't know, i just can always picture him that way. (and i do realize that sounds really really weird.)