" I just wanted her to be happy again, I know she changed , you think I didn't know that." I say.
"Callie that is not what I am saying, I know my daughter and I know how she can shutdown when she is scared. She was so scared after the amputation, in her mind you gave up on her. She has this way of when she is scared she closes up instead of just saying she is scared. I love my daughter but I know her faults too. " Barbara says.
"I tried to tell her it didn't matter she was still the same person I fell in love with but she wouldn't listen. She wouldn't even talk to me afterwards. I was dealing with Derek's injuries and Mark's coma and needed my wife but she just shutdown." I tell her.
"Do you think that maybe she thought you were more upset about Derek and Mark than you were about her leg." Barbara asks.
"What ...of course I was upset about her leg but she was alive that's all that mattered."
"But that's not all that mattered to her. When she was in those woods you and Sofia were all that mattered, coming home to you two yet now she was home all you would talk to her about was Derek and Mark. Maybe she felt she wasn't as important anymore."
"I tried talking to her but she just shutdown on me after the amputation so I just started talking about them just so I could spend time with her it seemed like a safe conversation, I never meant for her to feel that way."
"Did you know she knew you told Bailey about her bathroom mishap." She tells me.
"What...I never told Bailey."
"She told me a nurse overheard you one day in the hall telling Bailey to run ...that it was all roses now but at some point you would find yourself cleaning up your spouses pee and a space between you in bed a mile wide." Barbara explains.
"Oh my god, I never meant that, I was just venting because I was frustrated with everything. I just wanted my wife back."
"But can't you see by you saying these things how she thought she had lost you. She thought you didn't love her anymore and you were only there out of some obligation. She thought there was no way you wanted a crippled wife. So she tried to get better, she tried to be the happy person she use to be so you would want her again. Have you ever heard that quote "fake it until you can make it" that's what my daughter did."
"So your telling me this is all my fault, I made her fake getting better so I would feel better about everything "
"Callie, I am not saying this is your fault. I just want you to try and understand what was going on in her head during all of this. She saw how much of a toll this was taking on you and she really just wanted to be better. She didn't want it to always be about the leg."
"I never meant for her to feel that way, I just was so scared she would never forgive me and I thought if she could see it didn't matter to me than it wouldn't matter to her either."
"Callie , to you it may not of mattered but to her she couldn't even look herself in the mirror. She hated the way she looked. My daughter was so confident growing up, she knew she was pretty and smart and believe me she used that to her advantage many times much to our dismay, but after the amputation she was disgusted by her own body. Have you ever felt so bad about yourself that no matter what anyone said you didn't believe it."
"Yeah... I guess I have at times, but I was her wife, she knew I loved her." I say.
"Of course in her heart she knew you loved her but your mind and your heart can play tricks on you when you are struggling."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"You both went through this life changing ordeal and you both were so scared but tried to be brave for the other ... you both assumed things about the other based on that fear. It you allowed yourselves to really talk you would of realized that you were both afraid of the same thing."