A/N: Back at it after another long hiatus (I am the WORST :( sorry.)
I know, smexy times are coming! Next chapter, probably (hopefully that won't take three months. It's already mostly written, haha!)
Jayla Fire Gal: FIVE months is not soon, sadly! I'm so so sorry you had to wait so long. Thanks for your enthusiastic review - hope you like this one too!
Wildhorses1492: I'm sorry I made you wait forever! :( Glad you like it!
xlokiswolfx: I can't believe you read it all in a day! Sorry about the cliffhanger (especially cruel b/c of the hiatus - sorry!) Hopefully you held on until now!
eleventhDoctorOfGallifrey: So glad you like it! Sorry about the wait! (Great username, too!)
ferbette: Sadly... not everyone is going to be okay. :((
: I love you too! Here's your chapter!
Without further ado...
TWENTY-EIGHT
O Living always—always dying!
O the burials of me, past and present!
O me, while I stride ahead, material, visible, imperious as ever!
O me, what I was for years, now dead, (I lament not—I am content;)
O to disengage myself from those corpses of me, which I turn and look at, where I cast them!
To pass on, (O living! always living!) and leave the corpses behind!
- "O, Living Always, Always Living," Walt Whitman
Fire ripped through the room, and time seemed to slow for her…
She could see Loki, in the beginnings of lunging for the dais, in tandem with Thor – see the heat rippling in the air, the mouths of the guests opened wide in the beginnings of screams – and she twisted her fingers in the air, all she had time for – with her armor slowly forming around her she pulled her hands together, close to her chest…
Then the shock wave caught her and she was thrown across the room – time forcibly returned to normal and if not for her shield she would have been dead.
The fire burned in the hall, a huge crater where the platform had been, and her ears rang with the sounds of screams and rushing feet.
Loki was frantically parting the crowd, searching for her – she stumbled to her feet and towards him – "I'm fine," she said, "I'm fine, you have to get everyone out – "
And then a second explosion across the room, shrapnel and chunks of marble flying everywhere – they ducked and she shouted, "Loki, get everyone out now!" And his hand slipped away from her and he inhaled slightly and suddenly the duplicates began to wink into existence, lining the paths out of the hall, guiding the frightened guests.
She kissed him once. "I love you," she said. "Now go."
He ran through the crowds, towards someone trapped under a chunk of marble.
There was an ominous crunching noise and she looked up to see the ceiling lined with cracks.
She thrust her hands up towards the ceiling and pushed, and the cracks stopped.
But it was so heavy, and her stomach was beginning to burn slightly – oh please no, not now, please not now – but the Apple would not be denied. She gritted her teeth and stretched her hands up higher.
A third explosion rocked the hall and most of the guests were out now, but there were still at least a hundred left, and more of the pillars that supported the ceiling came crashing down, and the majority of the weight was on her now.
More guests continued to stream past her, bleeding and screaming and sobbing – Loki's duplicates were fading now, and she watched him stagger out of the hall with a man draped over his shoulder, then rush back in.
Her shoulders were burning, her insides were on fire now, and Loki was in front of her, his hands on her cheeks. "Alana, we have to go," he said fervently.
"Not… until… everyone's… out," she gasped.
He swore. "Alana, we have to leave! There's no time – " and another explosion ripped through the ground behind them – she staggered, falling to one knee; he dropped down beside her. "There's nothing more we can do!"
It felt like every part of her was on fire now but she reached out desperately with her mind, casting it through the hall – "Thor," she gasped. "He's not out yet – he's by the platform – "
Loki swore again and left her side – she dropped to the other knee, she was on fire, burning inside and out –
Loki stumbled through the smoke, turning back only once to try and see her – but she was lost in the ash and the fire and rubble.
He could see Thor crouched beside where the platform had been – as he drew closer he could see his back shaking.
He reached his side and his heart dropped out of his chest.
Thor held Odin's body in his lap, broken and bleeding, and his whole body was wracked with sobs.
"Thor!" he shouted. "Brother, we must go!"
Thor looked up at him, eyes streaming with tears and his face full of rage. "I will make them pay!" he shouted fiercely.
"If you do not survive, you cannot, Thor!" he shouted.
Thor roared in anguish and stood, Odin's body cradled in his arms.
"Quickly!" Loki shouted and they began to stumble through the smoke.
They reached Alana, and he swooped her up into his arms, she screamed in pain – a cracking noise and a piece of marble fell from the ceiling – "Loki," she gasped, "I can't… hold it… any longer, I can't…"
"You can, love, I know you can," he soothed her, and they were running now – "You have to, Alana, we're almost there, just a bit longer…"
She screamed again and a rumbling noise came from the ceiling… they were so close, so close… so close…
"Almost there, love," he panted, "almost there."
Her brow was contorted with pain – if only she hadn't eaten the apple! – and her fingers were still outstretched behind them, trembling with effort.
They were almost there when she curled in on herself, and he could hear the ceiling begin to fall – he shouted her name but the ceiling was collapsing down behind them and then they were outside and they were safe and he collapsed to his knees, still cradling her in his arms as the dust billowed out from the hall.
Wailing began to emerge from the crowd as they caught sight of Thor bearing Odin's body – they fell to their knees with lament.
He lowered her to the ground, gently, still cradled in his arms – she let out a little moan of pain, her fingers grasping desperately at his armor. "Loki…" she breathed, "go…"
"I'm not leaving you," he said softly, and touched her face, hot as flame, streaked with dust and sweat and blood, and brushed the hair from her face.
"Go," she panted again. "He needs you… I'm okay."
"Like Hel you are, Alana. I'm not leaving."
She hooked her fingers into his armor and pulled him closer, wincing, her eyes full of pain but unwavering. "If you don't go, Loki… you'll… regret it."
"And you think I won't regret it if you die?" he asked, a thread of harshness running through his voice.
She shook her head. "I'm not…going to die." She pushed at him weakly. "Go."
He stood up, eyes fixed on her. She nodded.
Healers were working throughout the crowds and he motioned one over – "Please," he said, "look after her." She nodded and bent over Alana – he turned back once, unsure of what he should do, but made his way to Thor, and Odin.
He knelt down beside Thor. "Brother," he said softly, but his words seemed to fail him as he looked down at the Allfather's face, still and pale – oh, Norns, for all Odin's faults he had never thought – had never thought that some day he might really be dead, it seemed impossible in the extreme.
"Brother," he said again. "I am sorry."
Thor's eyes were hardened and still slightly red. "Thanos has just declared war upon us."
Loki pushed a hand through his hair and sighed. "Yes."
"You must speak to them."
Loki looked at him and furrowed his brow. "To whom?"
"Your Council."
He shook his head. "Thor, I – "
"He would have crowned you, Loki."
There was a shocked silence, then Loki said, harshly, "What?"
Thor bowed his head. "We… saw you and Alana dancing, he said… that he did not have long to – to live, and – "
"Thor." Loki's voice was carefully controlled, now, but hot anger was still running through his heart. "What have you done?"
Thor's eyes fixed on his. "You are the next king of Asgard."
His blood was rushing loud in his ears, bringing memories of glowing scepters and fierce blue eyes, whispering to him, take it. the throne is yours. it has always been yours, you were cheated, robbed. he stole it from you, they stole her from you. find them, slay them, bring me the Tesseract. you will rule with her by your side, you will never lose her again. you are the rightful king. the throne is yours to take, so seize it now.
He snapped back to reality, the feel of fingernails piercing his palm grounding him. He took a shaky breath. "Thor, I can't, I – can't."
Thor shook his head and said, "It does not matter. The line of succession will have changed the moment he spoke, the documents will have been changed – " but Loki cut him off, fire burning in his breast.
"I cannot be king, Thor! Why have you thrust this on me – you know what happened to me, what Thanos did to me – I am feared, mistrusted, and you think giving me the throne would be a boon? I will be made a tyrant, they will say – say that I murdered him, that I control you – they would vilify me at every turn, Thor, why have you given them more with which to do so? I cannot – I cannot be king, Thor, you take the throne. The people love you, they would follow you to Hel – and who am I but a traitor and a spy?"
Thor was silent. "Brother, please," he begged, but Thor only lowered his eyes, and said, "Nevertheless, it is done."
There was a woman's face looming over her, a worried look on her face.
She struggled to sit up, but the healer restrained her.
"My lady," the healer said, "focus on me. Stay awake! Are you hurt…"
She tried to focus on the woman's lined face and worried eyes, but she felt as if she had been dipped in liquid fire, felt as though she was slipping away from reality… she opened her mouth to scream but nothing came out –
And she was in that white, white room again, with Loki by her side.
She started and glanced down at herself – dressed in worn leather and rags now, feet bare - not burnt, not bleeding, not dressed in her ball gown.
"What?" she asked.
Loki smiled and stood up. He was dressed all in white again, and he crossed to her and lifted her chin. "You have separated yourself. Your mind has run away from your body to try and escape the pain."
Burning, screaming –
She shuddered and Loki stroked her cheek with one cool finger. "Rest assured, you are safe… for a while. She will find you nonetheless. Your mind is stronger than most but she will penetrate it eventually."
"Who?" she asked, gazing into his blank eyes. "Who's coming?"
He chuckled. "That would be telling, love."
He turned and began to walk away from her, into the whiteness.
"Wait," she said; he paused, his back still to her.
"Will I… wake up? Eventually?"
He chuckled again. "That depends."
"On what?"
But he began walking away again – "Wait!" she cried out, but he disappeared into the fog.
She balled her hands into fists, eyes darting from empty whiteness to empty whiteness. Who was he talking about? Who was coming?
The Einherjar were setting up tents for the wounded and the dead.
Odin had a tent to himself.
Thor still sat by Odin's side, but he had pushed his way out of the tent roughly, after Odin's – his – Council had been informed about the change of succession.
Tyr's jaw had nearly come unhinged when he had heard the news.
So he had sat there, amid storms of arguments and excuses, his jaw clenched, until he could take it no longer – "Excuse me," he had said abruptly, and left.
The place where Alana had lain was now barren, the healer gone with her. He pushed a hand through his hair and halted a passing Einherjar. "Where is Lady Sigyn?"
The Einherjar's face softened slightly as he responded, "Sal-frelsa? I believe they gave her a separate tent – that one, there."
He made to turn away, but the Einherjar said softly, "Your Highness… please ensure her safety. She is dear to all of us."
He nodded curtly and was about to walk away when the Einherjar said, "Your Highness?"
He turned, the Einherjar said, "Tell Prince Thor… tell him that the Norns will keep her safe for him, since she has kept so many of his vanguard safe."
Loki ached to find her, but he could not stop himself – "What makes you think she cares for Thor?"
The Einherjar looked puzzled. "Are they not betrothed, or close to it, Your Highness?"
There were a hundred thousand things he wanted to say, but he settled for a curt "No, they are not."
The Einherjar smiled sheepishly. "Well, I can think of five men who'll be happy to hear that," he said under his breath.
Loki stiffened with rage. "She may be dying and all you can think about is your friends' … prospects with her? Rest assured, while there is breath in my body, no one will touch her. On orders of the king."
The Einherjar laughed. "So Thor does care for her! Well, she will not resist his charms for long – "
Loki straightened and hissed, "I am your king, now, Einherjar. And if you prevent me from finding her for an instant longer, I promise that Thor's romantic prospects will be the least of your worries."
He drew away, not caring how the Einherjar reacted, though his heart was still burning with rage.
Control, he thought. She needs you. She needs you.
The fact that they had placed her in a separate tent was ominous – what had prevented her from being laid beside the wounded?
He hastened towards the tent the Einherjar had mentioned – reaching it, he pushed open the flap and entered.
There were four healers inside it, with her raised on a dais in the middle – unmoving, head turned away, still dressed in her gown, now tattered and burnt. At the sight of Loki, the healers fell dead silent, and bowed and curtseyed to him.
"What has happened?"
A healer with short dark hair and a close-trimmed beard – the highest ranking, going by the three gold lines on the breast of his white uniform – said nervously, "Your Highness, the Lady Sigyn… is not what she seems. Beyla, the one that you, er, entrusted the Lady Sigyn to… well. The Lady was not injured in the commotion – in fact, she is perfectly fine… except for her reaction."
"What reaction? Get to the point," he snapped, and the healer bowed his head, wringing his hands. "Her reaction is solely from the Golden Apple that she ingested – it appears that she cannot process it as a normal Aesir would… I believe that she is..." and here his voice lowered as if he were uttering a repugnant curse, "mortal."
Damn it.
"And so you cannot aid her?"
The healer's eyes went wide with confusion. "Aid her… with what, Your Highness? She is mortal – it is a great offense for her to even be here – "
"Silence," said Loki, his mind working double time, and the healer's mouth snapped shut.
"Did you really think that we did not know who she was? Do you believe that you alone saw the signs?" he asked them, his voice deliberately cold, and they stiffened. "You may have doomed Asgard in revealing this secret."
"But, Your Highness – "
"I said SILENCE!" he roared, and the healer flinched.
When he continued his voice was deadly soft. "You see the ruin, the rubble all around us. You know that this is the start to a war."
The healers nodded tentatively.
"And yet, you presumed that since she was a mortal, she was unimportant – did it even cross your mind that the mere idea of Odin giving her an Apple makes her important beyond your comprehension?"
The healers looked as if they were wondering if they should nod or shake their heads.
He pointed, suddenly, to one of the female healers – dark-haired and wide-eyed. "You. You work under Eir, do you not?"
Her eyes went even wider, she stammered out, "Y-yes, Your Highness."
"Then you were there as she tended the Lady Sigyn after the battle on Alfheim."
"Yes, Your Highness."
"Please inform your associates of what Eir said about the Lady Sigyn's actions in the battle."
The woman swallowed and said, "She healed thirty Einherjar, many of whom had life-threatening wounds."
"And?"
"And… without her many of them would be dead."
He paused, relishing the paleness of the male healer's face. "Thirty Aesir, saved by a mortal."
The male healer swallowed.
"Do you believe that we might need someone like that if we are to go to war?"
The healer nodded mutely.
"Then perhaps it is in your best interest not to let her die!"
The healers nodded again, faces pale.
"Get to work."
They busied themselves immediately.
No one had come, yet, and she was tense.
She had no idea how much time had passed, if Odin was dead, if she was still outside the palace, if Loki – oh god, what if they had put him back in prison? What if they thought that he had done this?
Her heart was beating fast, and she tried to convince herself that it was only because she was nervous and not because she had a toxic substance running through her veins.
"Alana."
The voice came from behind her, a woman's voice. She whirled around, but no one was there.
"Or do you prefer Sigyn, now?" the voice continued. "Choices, choices… that's why I'm here, after all."
"Who are you?" she asked, fists balled.
A woman appeared out of thin air, her eyes solid gold, an emerald stone embedded in her forehead. "Why, dear, I'm Idunn. And I take it that my Apple did not agree with you."
The healers were muttering to each other, now, softly, and occasionally darting glances towards him.
Gold writing trailed around Alana, their notes, their records, and her vitals – which were alarming.
"What is it?" he asked.
The head healer approached him cautiously. "Your Highness… we have tried everything, but…"
"But?" he asked, hoping that his inner desperation did not leak into the word.
The healer wrung his hands. "There have only been two cases of a mortal ingesting an Apple, and…"
"And what?"
The healer paused. "They were… changed in many ways. Their longevity and strength increased… but only for a time. First they began to deteriorate mentally, begging Idunn for more time, both eventually raging that they had chosen life, not death – the effects of the Apple reversed, and they were left in a catatonic state, Your Highness. And then… they died."
Loki did not respond, only nodded, his heart pounding fast. Have I doomed her even further? In choosing me has she destroyed herself?
"Come, dear, let's walk. I must say that your mind-space is remarkably advanced, compared to the other mortals I have met with."
"Thank you?"
Idunn laughed. "But then I supposed that it's not surprising… you are by far the most gifted mortal to ever eat an Apple. Perhaps that was how you snared the prince!"
Alana swallowed. "Do you know if he's… all right?"
Idunn smiled slightly. "I can't see the future, dear, but he's watching over you now, worried, of course… you aren't doing so well."
"Am I dying?" she asked, her voice small.
Idunn nodded, slowly.
"Can you help me?"
Idunn's eyes, orbs of solid gold, with no whites, gave away nothing, but the goddess's mouth was curved in a faint smile. "I'm here to offer you a choice."
"What kind of choice?"
"The only kind that matters, dear… the choice between life and death."
Alana was silent for a moment. "I… get to choose?"
"In a way. But the life you want is not necessarily the choice you want."
"Why?"
Idunn sighed. "I have never guided someone to their choice. The mortals who have taken the apple chose life."
She could almost hear Thor's voice - "It has only been done twice in the history of all Asgard – and the results were – less than perfect…"
"So why did they die?" she asked.
Idunn's eyes lowered. "The Golden Apples are poisonous to mortals. I am linked to the Apples, and so I try to help those who partake of it… but neither of the two understood the complexities… You must understand, dear, that this is no mere fruit. It changes the fabric of your body, your mind – forces you from your mortal state into that of an Aesir. It is painful. And you must be fully committed to the change. You must understand – " and here Idunn broke off, turning away.
When she spoke again, her voice was crystal clear. "I have never guided someone to their choice," she repeated. "And yet the Norns say you have an important part to play in what is to come."
"What is to come?" she asked, desperate.
Idunn turned to her, and the stone in her forehead cracked into three pieces, a bright light emerging from within. Alana took a step back.
"I do not see the future, dear," she said, "but Skuld does… in a way. She sees all possible futures, all that could be, and occasionally she will tell Verdandi which choice will lead to the best possible future… and Verdandi has told me. The will of the Norns is not to be dismissed."
Alana said nothing – this was all too much, why did she take the apple, why?
And then Loki was beside her, robed in white. Because of him, he whispered in her ear, the faintest brush of lips to her temple – then he was gone again.
Idunn continued, "You must die to live, dear. Your old life will die, the old you will die. Alana Cooper will be remembered only by those who knew her on Earth, and they will fade away quickly. You will live on. You will be Sigyn for five thousand years. Understand this, child, when I say you have no concept of that length. A war is upon you, one that may rage on for a thousand years. Many will fall. And, dear… you cannot only be doing this for him. He may die and leave you to live thousands of years without him, and where will you be then?"
Alana inhaled shakily.
Idunn's eyes seemed to soften. "It is hard to die, dear. I know. But it is sometimes harder to remain. You must be sure that you are willing to live before you die. And there is a cost to get to the other side."
Alana closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them and said, "What is it?"
Idunn's eyes narrowed a little. "Hold out your arm."
The healers had left long ago – there was nothing to be done, they said, except hope, and all the threats in the world could not help him now, so he spoke none – merely sat by her side, holding her hand.
"I have to leave soon," he whispered. "Alana, please…"
But she lay still, her head tilted slightly towards him, eyes closed – for all the world seeming to be merely asleep, resting…
He grasped her hand tighter. "I can't do this, Alana, not… without you, I – never wanted this if you were not beside me – " and his eyes were hot with tears that he blinked back.
He raised her hand to his lips. "Please, love."
An aide entered the tent; he lowered her hand to the sheets. "Yes?" he asked, and the aide bowed. "Your Majesty, your horse is ready."
"Thank you." The aide bowed again and left; Loki stood up slowly.
He bent over, pressing his lips to her forehead. "I love you."
And Alana moved—he stepped back in shock—her eyes still remained closed, but she turned her forearms up to face him, her hands slowly balling into fists.
"Alana?" he asked, and she was breathing faster, now – "Alana, what – "
And dark lines appeared on the skin of her right forearm, burned black – he pulled away from her, terrified that he had accidentally touched her in his Jotunn form - but the lines continued to burn and hiss even after he had pulled away – forming a rune – mannaz – humankind.
The cords in her neck stood out as she gritted her teeth, but other than her breathing, no noise pierced the room.
The rune was complete – she relaxed slightly and he touched her shoulder tentatively.
He scarcely dared to move – other than the brand searing her, marking her as mortal – for that was what it invariably meant, no Aesir who saw it would think she was Aesir as well – the room was still, and quiet, and she did not move.
He whispered a word and green light flared across her arm, concealing the mark.
Alana stared down at her forearm, the rune seared black into her skin. Idunn smiled slightly.
"A just payment," she said. "And even now your prince is concealing it from prying eyes… oh well. But you shall know of it, dear… you shall know the burden you carry." She smiled sadly. "What was your truth? That you would never belong anywhere? The Apple does not change that… it only hides you better." She sighed slightly. "Now that I have my payment – " and here she lifted Alana's chin, forcing her to look into those solid golden eyes – "you are ready to die, no?"
She balled her hands into fists. "Yes."
"You must say it, dear heart, otherwise I cannot proceed – otherwise you cannot live."
Alana drew in a deep breath – but she could still feel the poison coursing through her, slowly returning, even in this blank space that she had created to shelter away.
What she was choosing was a different sort of death but a death all the same.
"I am ready to die," she said, and closed her eyes.
The aide had returned again but Loki had waved him away – I cannot leave her now, not when she seems so close to coming back – but the clock was ticking, the Einherjar were waiting…
She stirred slightly, and drew in a deep breath, and said distinctly, "I am ready to die."
Fear struck his heart in two, his fingernails piercing his palm. "No," he said, "no – Alana – please – " she couldn't die, not now, not when – not when –
Her hands relaxed, fists unfurling, and suddenly her eyes flew open, liquid gold, light streaming from within her, illuminating the room – he stumbled away from her in shock – and her mouth opened slightly, a gasp – his heart leapt – and she sat bolt upright, panting, as the light slowly faded away from within her, as her eyes returned to gray.
"Alana?" he said, softly, hesitantly, and she turned to look at him, her gaze curiously blank for a moment – and then she flew at him, sheets whipping off the cot, and wrapped her arms around him – he held her tightly, lips pressed to the top of her head, tears welling in his eyes.
She whispered his name against his chest, and sighed in what seemed like relief.