"Is that why when she wanted to do the fellowship you where so against it, then changed your mind? You where fighting yourself about trusting her ...trusting the relationship?" Barbara asks me.
"Yeah I guess I was. We had been talking about having another baby and then this fellowship came out of no where and she wanted to do it. I started to panic I thought she was going to leave me. It felt like Africa all over again." I say.
"Why would you think she would leave you?"
"We were planning our future when she won the Carter Madison grant and she chose that over me, ...over having a family. I think all those feelings just came rushing forward when she said she wanted to do the fellowship. I thought I wasn't enough for her, our life wasn't enough for her, just like before." I tell her.
"But then you told her to do it. That you would support her." Barbara says.
"Yeah I thought we could do it all but then she started to question if we could. Whether or not it was the right time for a baby. All my fears where coming true. Maybe if I trusted her, trusted us I may have felt different but I guess that just brought my lack of trust to the surface. As much as I wanted to believe we could have it all I couldn't get past the fact she was choosing her career again over me ...over us. I didn't trust her." I explain.
"She wouldn't have left you, she just needed to do something for herself. To prove to herself she could. She was still battling her demons . That crash took so much from her , not just physically but mentally. She did things , said things she never thought she was capable of. She just wanted to be proud of the person looking back at her in the mirror again. She thought if she could concur this fellowship it would help her get there." Barbara tells me.
"I guess we both didn't do I very good job at communicating or trusting the other to be there."
"What about now? Do you think you could trust her and truly forgive her for the pain she caused you?"
"I already have forgiven her, the person that cheated is not the Arizona I know now. Looking back I can see thing differently now. I still don't fully understand but I have let it go and forgiven her. do I trust her ? ...yeah I guess I do, but she doesn't trust me."
"Why would you think she doesn't trust you?" Barbara asks.
"She removed me as her medical proxy, she doesn't trust I would do what's best for her." I say
"Callie that is not why she removed you. She saw what making that call to remove her leg did to you. How it changed you both personally and professionally and she couldn't do that to you again. "
"How does she think it change me?" I ask
"She told us that you are the best orthopedic surgeon there is but after the amputation you started question your decision on patients care. You doubted yourself and your abilities she felt responsible for that because of the pressure she put on you about saving the leg and the blame she put on you for taking it. She never wanted you to feel that way again because of her so she ask her father and I if we would be ok with her listing us." Barbara explains to me.
"Why didn't she just tell me? Why let me find out the way I did?"
"When she did it you guys were not in the best place and she knew you would take it wrong and be hurt. She didn't want to hurt you anymore so she just changed it hoping it would never come up." Barbara says.
"God things are just so screwed up between us aren't they. You know one time we use to be so in sink with each other we could complete each other's thoughts. Now we can't even talk to each other without assuming things and those assumptions are so off base."
"It happens even in the best relationships that have never faced the things you two have, you fall out of sync with each other. The question is what do you want to do now? Do you want to try and get back in sync or close that chapter in your life and move on? " barbara asks me.
"I wouldn't even know where to start if I wanted to. How do you begin again with someone you have so much history with and not let that history consume you or your relationship again?" I ask.
Just as Barbara is about to say something her phone dings with a new text. It's Daniel letting her know he is back and Arizona is awake now. My pager goes off letting me know I have surgery in 20 minutes.
"Can we keep this talk between us for now?" I ask her.
"Of course dear, just remember though you both let fear drive you apart don't let fear keep you apart if that is all that is holding you back." Barbara says to me.
With that she excuses herself and leaves me to ponder that thought. Is fear the only thing stopping me from trying again? Do I trust her not to break my heart again? How did my mother ever get past it and have such a great marriage with my dad after he cheated? Could I call her and talk to her about it? Ugh...to many thoughts I need to get to surgery at least there I can get some frustration out.