"You know I'm old in some ways. In others - well, I'm just a little girl. I like sunshine and pretty things and cheerfulness - and I dread responsibility." - This Side of Paradise, F. Scott Fitzgerald
Amber
"Honestly Amber, I am not a doctor. I don't know what most of this stuff is," Mom said, crossing her arms. She was sitting in the chair across from where I sat on the edge of an examination bed, stripped down to a blue, papery gown. I kept looking around the room and pointing to things, asking what they did or what their purpose was but I could tell that Mom was starting to get impatient. "All Dr. Ashlar is going to do is take your blood pressure, do an examination, maybe draw some blood. It's like a normal check-up."
I rolled my eyes even though my hands were still shaking. I clutched the edge of the bed to try to hide it. "Yeah, just a normal check-up but with one minor difference: there's another human involved!" I exclaimed, just as Dr. Ashlar walked in.
"Princess Amber, how great it is to see you. How are you doing today?" he asked in a chipper voice, looking over a paper on his clipboard as he spoke.
"I'm fine," I squeaked.
Mom snorted. "She's freaking out." I gave her a look but she just waved me off, inspecting the ends of her hair to see if it was split. Sometimes Mom still acted like a teenager. Probably because Dad never quite grew up either.
"That's completely natural, especially with the nature of your pregnancy," Dr. Ashlar said, sitting down on a stool next to Mom. "Now, tell me honestly. How are you feeling?"
Mom fixed her gaze on me, drilling me with an icy blue stare. She emphasized how important it was for me to open with Dr. Ashlar about everything I was feeling throughout this process as we walked down to the infirmary. "Tired, mostly. I've had a few cramps, some spotting," I said in a more reserved voice.
"How regular are the cramps and spotting?" he inquired casually as if he was asking what the temperature was outside.
"Cramps just happened once a day, I guess. The spotting only lasted a couple days." My nerves started to dissipate as Dr. Ashlar continued to act normally. I guess that was his job as a doctor but I still appreciated his attitude for the whole thing.
He nodded and looked up at me with a bright smile. "That's completely normal. Only worry if it continues until you're around twelve weeks." He took out the sleeve for measuring blood pressure and I sat quietly as he took it. "Your blood work from a few weeks ago is still pretty up to date so I don't see any reason to draw more today. Instead I'd like to do an internal examination, if that's okay with you."
"Internal?" I repeated.
"It's important to do internal examinations once every few weeks to make sure that your body is reacting properly to changes and that you'll be able to deliver naturally later on down the road. Ask your mother; it's best for you to be prepared for a caesarean." Dr. Ashlar smiled at her knowingly and I waited to be clued in on some big secret. No explanation was forthcoming though and he instructed me to lie down on the table.
I tried to convince myself that this was totally normal. That whatever was going on at the moment wasn't at all an invasion of privacy. Mom seemed to sense my uneasiness because she grasped my hand. Or maybe it was that she knew how it felt to be in such a compromising position with someone besides your spouse. Although she had her spouse with her for this whereas mine was eight feet under. Everything about this felt wrong. Besides having another man with his fingers in my vagina, I was supposed to be with my husband doing this. Not with my mother. Not as a widow. Not as a widow with a baby whom her late husband didn't even know about.
Mom talked during the examination, mostly telling me about Win's upcoming audition for an apprenticeship with the Ottaro Ballet Company. I appreciated her effort to keep my mind off things and it even started to work. I finally started to settle down and relax a bit.
"Uh, here's my assistant. Late, as always," Dr. Ashlar said from between my legs.
"Sorry Doctor. My mother had me drop something off for America and Maxon," the assistant apologized. My heart dropped into my stomach. I knew that voice. Of course Kile would choose right now to walk in and not, like, five minutes from now when I have all of my clothes on again. If he was unnerved at all by what he saw then he didn't show it, something for which I was grateful.
The next few minutes stretched on forever. Mom kept prattling on but I wasn't listening anymore because suddenly I kept reliving that kiss with Kile over and over in my head. His lips were impossibly supple and warm, making me feel hot all over just thinking about it. I stopped the thought immediately, twirling my wedding ring around on my finger unconsciously. Derrick, I haven't forgotten about you, I thought fiercely.
Finally Dr. Ashlar instructed me to sit back up and I couldn't keep the blush from my face as he consulted with Kile on some things, the two of them sharing notes about my private parts. I swung my feet back and forth as I waited, earning a reproachful look from my mother.
"Well, Amber, everything seems to be good and on track," Dr. Ashlar said.
"Does that mean I can go?" I asked before he was barely finished speaking.
He laughed and nodded. "Of course. You're free to go." I jumped off the table and grabbed my clothes from Mom's lap, hurrying off to the bathroom attached to the room. When I came back out, fully clothed thankfully, I was handed a bottle of pills from Dr. Ashlar. "Take one in the morning and at night, everyday. They're just to regulate your vitamin intake and should take the edge off of any morning sickness you may have later on," he explained.
I nodded stiffly and lingered at the door, waiting for Mom. "I need to talk to Dr. Ashlar about something but why don't we have lunch up in your room? Your pick."
"Okay," I said, not liking the idea of leaving alone at all. My fears were confirmed when I was just made it to the stairs and Kile caught up to me. "I would rather not talk to right now," I growled at him before he could say anything.
"Amber, please, just know that I feel awful about the kiss." That made me stop. I turned and looked down at him, crossing my arms. "It was wrong of me to do that and I completely understand that if, from this day forward, you never want to speak to me again. We don't even have to be friends."
I snorted and rolled my eyes. "Were we ever friends to begin with?" I asked. It seemed like all Kile and I had ever done was dance around each other, not daring to touch but still traveling in the same circle. It was like we knew that the moment we touched everything would be ruined. And now we have and we can't even look at each other. Probably because we both felt more in those few seconds where our lips connected than either of us would ever want to admit. Probably because I made him feel something he didn't want to share with me and he made me feel like I was safe and that I was loved. He was right; I was more loved than I could ever imagine. "As far as I'm concerned Kile, you're just another person living in the palace. Another part of the help."
He looked taken aback at my attitude. "The help? Did you seriously just…Amber, do not let Derrick's death change you. Don't let this adversity turn you into someone you're not."
"You don't get to tell me what to do," I snapped. "I get to tell you what to do. You're working for me. So if I were you, I would listen and obey so that you don't lose your job." I turned away from him to continue up to my room. It felt to good to use my power but I hated that Kile was the one I used it on.
Mom came into my room just a minute after me and I knew immediately from the look on her face that she had heard us. She crossed her arms, not looking angry per say but not looking happy either. "I heard raised voices and passed a rather upset Kile on my way up," she confessed. "Want to tell me what that's about?"
I bowed my head and sat down on the edge of my bed. How could I tell her what it was about without sounding like an absolutely horrible person? Not that I was an angel or anything but I was not a whore. "It's nothing," I lied.
"Amber, you lie no better than your father," Mom said, sitting down across from me. "Whatever it is you can tell me. I won't judge you."
"That's because you don't know," I groaned, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes so I didn't have to look at her.
She sighed and made a show out of making herself comfortable, clearly sending the message that she wasn't going anywhere. "Amber…"
"Kile kissed me," I whispered. "On Christmas."
Mom sat back and clasped her hands in front of her, nodding slowly. "Amber, have Dad and I ever told you the story of what happened between us before the rebel attack?"
I shook my head. They barely told me about the rebel attack. It was probably just too painful for them to talk about so most of what I had heard came from the news or the internet. I didn't know that there was a backstory to it though.
"When I was living in Carolina, before the Selection, I had a boyfriend. He was a Six and at the time he was everything that I needed in my life. I was prepared to drop a caste just so I could marry him. We ended up getting into this petty argument though about our future and money and we broke up. Then I was Selected and brought to the palace," Mom began.
"Okay. So?" I didn't really see the big deal in any of that. I had assumed that Mom had other men before Dad just like Dad probably dated other women before Mom. Wasn't that natural?
Mom winced at something that ran through her head. "During the selection, my boyfriend was drafted and joined the Palace Guard. He apologized profusely so I started seeing him on the side."
I gasped. "Mom! You could've been killed!"
"I know but I was confused. I didn't think I wanted Maxon at the time because I was still hung up on this other boy. Once I realized how much I loved your father I ended things with my other boyfriend, but not before your father discovered us together the morning of the attack."
"Together?" I asked. "How did Dad react?"
Mom bit her lip coyly and smirked. "Threatened to send him to New Asia."
"That was Uncle Aspen? You dated Uncle Aspen?" Mom was laughing hysterically as I struggled to grasp the concept that those two had been a couple. "He never told me that part. Just that Dad threatened him. But…if you cheated on Dad with him, how are he and Dad still best friends?"
I watched my mother's facial expression sober up as she answered, "Because he saved your father's life during the attack. He was shot and insisted that Aspen get me out of the room first since he was a lost cause. Aspen made sure other guards got to him to help though."
"Wow." I mulled it over, trying to picture it in my head. A younger Mom in love with a younger Uncle Aspen. The two didn't compute. Mom was so clearly in love with Dad and Uncle Aspen was more infatuated with Aunt Lucy than ever. "So, Mom, no offense but what does all of this have to do with me?"
"Life is hard. Everyday is different and everyday determines what your personality is like. Sometimes people go through things and they change. Your heart can change. I thought that after the Selection I would just go home and carry on with Aspen but being here at the palace changed me and suddenly it wasn't Aspen I needed anymore." I blanched at what she was insinuating. "Maybe you're changing too."
I shook my head. "I am not falling in love with Kile."
"Maybe you're not. But don't you think you should keep your heart open to the possibility?" she asked.
"How am I supposed to abandon Derrick like that? This is Derrick's baby, Mom. I can never move on from him now."
She shrugged. "Unless it made you happy."
"I don't know that it will." I hugged a pillow to my chest, trying to keep myself together.
Mom laughed but I didn't see anything really funny about this conversation. "Did you know you'd be happy before you eloped with Derrick? There's never a guarantee to be happy but sometimes it's the risk that makes it worthwhile in the end."
"You're really good at giving advice," I whispered, looking at her from underneath my eyelashes. "Does that kick when you have a kid?"
"Maybe I was just born into perfection," she jested, laughing harder than her comment warranted. I got the impression that I was missing out on an inside joke but that was the norm with Mom and Dad. "We can talk about parenting some other day, okay? You look tired so I'll just leave you to rest."
I smiled gratefully and sank down on my bed, exhaustion overwhelming me in just a few minutes. The last thing I remember is putting a hand on my stomach and saying goodnight to my baby.
America
Of all my children, Winifred was always the open book when it came to her emotions. She was fiercely independent; something I assumed came from growing up as the third wheel to Shalom and Amber. It pained me to think that she felt left out at times but then I realized how strong she had become because of it. She didn't mind voicing her opinion. At first I knew she did it because it got her some attention but now it was just the norm for her.
Win was also the one I argued with the most. Amber wasn't necessarily an easy kid to raise but she was pretty permissive and accepting of punishment when she did something wrong. From very early on the twins accepted their roles of future sovereigns and as a result they both matured very quickly, even if they didn't know it themselves.
Shalom had Maxon's easygoing but determined personality while Amber seemed to be a mixture of Kenna's gentility and May's abrasiveness. Khalil was all Gerad and Annie was still young but she appeared to take after Amber. Winifred was all me which was probably why we were always butting heads. The kids all thought that we weren't anything alike but when it came down to basic personality we were identical.
So when something was ever bothering Win I was the first one to detect it. And then whenever she would go missing I knew the first place to go look for her. She had a habit of disappearing whenever she had a lot on her mind. I could sympathize though. As the middle kid you're often left alone to fend for yourself, especially when your older siblings are heirs to a crown.
Predictably, Win was in the stables brushing down her horse. She shared Maxon's love for horses and hunting. With five kids it was important for us to have those things to do together that we don't share with the rest of them and Maxon had found his little thing with Win in hunting.
"Get anything good today?" I asked her as I approached her warily. I never could get comfortable around horses. I didn't understand the connection that Maxon and Win forged with them so easily. To me they were just large animals that could trample me at any moment.
"I wasn't hunting," she answered, focused on brushing. "I just needed to clear my head."
"Feel the wind in your hair?" I teased.
She smirked at me and shrugged. "Something like that." She set her brush down and left the stall, stroking the horse's nose one last time before shutting the gate. She took a bucket of water and other grooming supplies over to a cleaning station. Normally the stable hands did this for Maxon since he was always short on time but Win seemed to enjoy caring for her horse – or any other animal for that matter. I wouldn't be surprised if she one day quit ballet to become a veterinarian.
"So what's on your mind?" I asked, leaning against the wall with my arms folded, studying her face. Another thing about Win was her incredible beauty. I thought all of my kids were beautiful in their own ways but Win was just exceptionally so. Her blonde hair was long and wavy and she had Maxon's chocolate brown eyes set into a face I didn't even recognize. Her body was small and lithe, perfect for a ballerina or for riding horses. For not being a direct heir to the throne, she attracted a lot of attention from the press and it had nothing to do with her wit.
She was quiet for a bit as she focused on cleaning her brush. "I heard about Amber," she finally mumbled. "Shay told me this morning since you guys weren't at breakfast. Don't worry, he didn't say anything to Khalil or Annie."
"We'll tell them soon," I promised her. She nodded but it was clear that she was still deep in thought. She carried her supplies back to the stall, stopping to scrub some mud from her saddle that was hanging over the door. "So how're you feeling about it?"
"It doesn't matter how I feel about it. It's not my life."
That was exactly what I thought she would say about it. "Well, you are her little sister and she does cherish that friendship with you."
"Yeah, right," she snorted. "In case you haven't noticed, we've barely been talking these last few months."
"And let me guess: it's because your big sister is growing up and getting married and having kids and you're scared that she won't have time for her little sister anymore?" Her wide eyes was enough for me to know that I was right. "Look, I was just a bit younger than you when Kenna got married so believe me, I know what you're feeling. I know Amber is going through things at an accelerate rate but that doesn't make it any less difficult. It's probably more difficult."
"Accelerated rate? Mom, six months ago Amber was still single." She sighed and shrugged her shoulders slightly. "I just feel like we have nothing to talk about anymore. It's like now she connects with you and Aunt Marlee and Aunt Lucy because you're all married with kids. These are big changes and I'm not part of any of them. Her going to college was hard enough. Now how am I supposed to compete with her kid?"
"You can't," I told her honestly, making her look at me hopelessly. "But your support will mean the world to her. I've been on both ends of things, okay? I've been the little sister being left behind and I've been the big sister leaving the little sister behind. I know that it hurt when Kenna was living a separate life from our family, especially since I missed it when Astra was born due to the Selection, but May was my biggest asset when I was pregnant with you two. She sort of kept my head on my shoulders. It was nice to talk to her about normal stuff and Amber is going to need that from you as well." I nudged her and gave her a conspiratorial smile. "And she is having boy troubles which I know is your favorite thing to advise her on."
Win rolled her eyes and leaned against the stall door dramatically. "Seriously, can't she and Kile just kiss and live happily ever after already? I'm tired of Daylin telling me about his moping."
"Probably not as tired as Daylin is of his moping." She nodded in acknowledgement. "Hey, someday you'll get married and have a family of your own. If you let your friendship with your sister crumble now, you may never get it back and then you'll be wishing you had someone like her to go to about everything." I frowned and added, "Well maybe not everything. I was never entirely comfortable discussing my sex life with my sister."
Win's eyes widened. "And I hope you're even less comfortable talking about it in front of your daughter."
I smiled and put an arm around her shoulders. "Just try to be supportive, okay? I promise you, if you show your support she will be more willing to go to you and talk about other things. Once we start planning baby showers and nurseries she'll practically be begging you for a distraction."
"Thanks, Mom," Win said appreciatively, hugging me tightly. "If you don't mind, I have another horse that I want to bathe so…"
"I'll go," I assured her, valuing her need for alone time.
I walked up to the third floor and found Amber leaning over Maxon, both of them looking at something scattered across his desk. "I thought you were sleeping," I said to her.
"Yeah but I woke up starving and restless so I figured I might as well but my time to good use. Dad and I were just discussing which pictures to release to the press for my wedding and how to explain it," she explained, motioning the dozens of printed pictures in front of them.
All of the pictures of her with Derrick were set off to one side with the rest being pictures of her and family members. "It's a delicate situation, announcing to the press that you eloped," Maxon added. "They won't like it. They'll feel snubbed out of a great opportunity for publicity."
"Sorry I wanted to get married on my own terms and I actually live my life for myself for once," Amber said in a voice that made it clear how not sorry she actually was.
"It's water under the bridge now," I said. "Do you have a plan of any sort?" I knew Maxon better than to expect him to not have a plan already in place or in the works.
"I spoke to Gavril this morning and he suggested having a camera crew come in and do a sort of wedding special. Film the preparations; getting flowers, making the cake, the dress…just do it all in retrospect to make it look like it was really a secret wedding, not an elopement."
Amber crossed her arms. "I don't like it."
Maxon raised a hand to stop her refusal. "I don't either. I hate lying to my people about things as simple as this but bottom line is that if we're really going to announce your secret marriage this week and your pregnancy next month, this is our only option. It'll appease the people enough to accept that you got married in secret. You'll learn someday that you need to make sacrifices for the sake of your family to not be chewed up by the press."
"You're not worried about telling the press about the baby?" Amber asked in a small voice.
My husband shook his head. "Honestly, I was terrified when you first told us but then I remembered their reaction to when your mother and I announced when we were pregnant with you and your brother. You're giving them an heir; that's all that matters."
Amber nodded in understanding and looked down at the pictures. Pain was written across her face as she no doubt relived that day where she and Derrick became man and wife. Finally she lifted two pictures: one of her and Derrick and another of her with Maxon and me. "These two," she said, passing them to Maxon.
He swept her into a hug from the side, pressing his face against the top of her head. He met my gaze over her head and smiled grimly. "I love you, little girl."
"Love you too, Daddy."
Within days the palace was swarming with maids, butlers and cameramen as they tried to recreate a wedding that didn't actually take place. We hadn't seen this much buzz probably since Annie was born. Amber was hanging in there, doing the necessary filming with a smile plastered on her face the whole time. I couldn't conceive how difficult this was for her to be doing, especially with her hormones being amplified the way they were. She did learn though that if she was going to start crying she could pass it off as happy tears.
Every night when the cameras left we just collapsed in the Women's Room as a family, all of us exhausted from doing our parts for the day. I watched Win closely and was pleased to see her making an effort to bond with Amber. Amber was completely unaware of the tension, laughing with her sister and practically curling up in her lap. Annie finally ran over to a cabinet in one of the shelves and pulled out a board game, pouting in front of Shalom until he gave in. As if Maxon spoiling Annie was bad enough, Shalom could hardly say no to her either.
Finally we were all circled around the board on the floor. We paired into our respective teams; Maxon and me, Shalom and Amber, and Khalil, Win and Annie. It was so rare these days for us to have these moments of just the five of us what with budding romances in our older children's lives and Amber getting more serious about her queen training.
I reclined against Maxon's side as he played most of our turns for us. It was a board game all about who could take over the world and while Maxon and I dealt with international affairs everyday and had fought several wars, we were absolutely dreadful at this game. "I'm sorry Ames, but I don't think our army in South America stands a chance against Shalom and Amber," he apologized, laughing at our helplessness.
"It's okay honey, I'm sure the Peruvians will forgive you some day," I assured him, patting his knee. "I'd rather those two take it than those three, anyway. Are you all even playing anymore?" I asked Annie, Win and Khalil who were having an intense, whispered conversation.
"Don't worry about it," Khalil just said and then went back to their discussion.
Amber put her cards over her mouth as she yawned loudly. "I'm ready to fall asleep," she mumbled.
"You're always ready to fall asleep," Shalom teased.
"And it probably has nothing to do with the fact that I'm sleeping for two now." Amber smacked his arm and he laughed, holding up his hands defensively. "I'd like to see you be pregnant."
"You've only been pregnant for what, a month? Two months?"
"Ten weeks," Amber stated firmly, narrowing her eyes at him.
Shalom laughed. "And how many do you have left then? Twenty-eight? Thirty?"
She drew back and looked at him curiously. "Since when did you know so much about pregnancy?"
"I don't know, maybe because our mother had three kids after us," Shay said, looking between Maxon and I pointedly. "It has nothing to do with you. Don't flatter yourself." Amber rolled her eyes but still rested her head on his shoulder, shutting her eyes.
"Okay, I think it's time we raise the white flag, don't you Ames?" Maxon asked me, pecking me on the lips quickly.
I nodded, starting to get sleepy myself. "Definitely. You kids head to bed; we'll clean up." They didn't need to be told twice. Shalom walked Amber out with his arm around her shoulders, no doubt making sure she didn't pass out on her way to her bedroom. Win, Khalil and Annie were still talking as they left and I was positive they were going to carry on the conversation in one of their rooms.
"That was a fun night," Maxon remarked as he started cleaning up the game pieces.
"I wish we had them more often," I said sadly, folding a blanket and setting it on the end of a sofa. We had servants who could do these tasks but when it came to family nights it only felt right that Maxon and I were the ones to clean up.
He turned the switch for the electric fireplace and it shut off. We turned the rest of the lights off as we walked out of the room. We went to bed thoroughly exhausted but it was a good kind of exhaustion, one that I recognized I had after spending a long day surrounded by my kids and doing things with them. I wouldn't have traded it for anything though. This was my life and I already knew that I would be doing the same thing the next day.
Finally the time came for the special edition of the Report to air focusing on Amber's marriage. It was difficult to manipulate the situation and give the country a sufficient reason for why Amber suddenly wanted to tell everyone about her secret wedding. We finally settled on the reason being that she was planning on telling everyone from the beginning but that she had originally just wanted to get used to the married life before broadcasting it.
She fidgeted in her dress as we went through the final preparations for the Report. Gavril came back from retirement just for this one special night so he and Maxon were off to the side catching up like old friends. Shalom and Amber were the only ones out of our kids here. Normally we gave all of them the night off but Amber obviously had to be here and Shalom was here for moral support.
"Are you nervous?" he asked her.
"I feel like I'm about to throw up," she answered.
I smiled and hugged her. "You'll be fine. And if you do need to throw up, I'm sure we can get you a bucket. It wouldn't be the first time someone has thrown up on the Report stage."
"Did you?" she asked and I could see the hope in her eyes that maybe if I had then it wouldn't be so bad if she did.
"No," I laughed. "Another girl in the Selection. Suffice to say she didn't make it very far." I was hoping to calm her nerves but she only looked even more freaked out than before. "If you really don't think you can do this, just tell us."
"I really don't think I can do this," she echoed.
I nodded. "Well, you have no choice. Just remember to read the teleprompter; it'll have everything you have to say there. See? You didn't even have to memorize anything? And Shalom will be right next to you." He nodded to back me up. "Okay?"
"Okay," she sighed. She smiled timidly at us and walked up to the small sofa, Shalom following behind her with his hand on her back. Once she was sitting they clasped hands and I instantly felt better knowing that she had him up there. He could calm her down more than me.
Maxon joined me as Gavril took his seat across from the twins. He seemed to sense my own nerves and kissed my temple. "She'll be fine," he assured me.
"I just hope no one gets mad at her. I hate to think that she'll start her reign off on the wrong foot," I admitted.
"Yeah," he said absently and I could tell that there was something bothering him.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
He smiled and shook his head. "Later. I promise." And then the stage lights flared up, warming the studio as the rest of us stood in darkness and watched the beginning of Amber's life unfold.
Until the next update!