We're getting there...

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Chapter 17

"Uh Cede. I'm going to go," said Puck popping up to his feet. "Got big things to do at D&E."

"Puck you don't have to rush off." She tried to grab his arm before he got to the door. She really didn't want to be left alone for this conversation.

"I need to talk to you Mercedes," said Julian walking further into the lounge and leaning against the counter that housed the coffee and water.

Puck patted Mercedes on the shoulder. "Talk to your dad. I'll see you later Cede." He looked over Mercedes' head. "Julian, good to see you."

"Do I need to sit for this?" Mercedes asked resigned to her fate.

"Yes you do. Sit and eat this," he said pushing her down in the chair and handing her a bag.

Mercedes peered into the white paper bag. "I'm not hungry."

"Eat," Julian insisted pulling a wrapped sandwich from the bag and handing it to her. "You've been here all night and barely any nutrients have entered your body."

"I'm fine," she said frowning at the sandwich as she slowly unwrapped it.

"Unhooking yourself from your IV does not mean you're fine. Can you please just eat?"

"Fine, but only because you asked so nicely." Mercedes took a bite. Turkey with lettuce and mayo, it tasted like cardboard in her mouth. "I think you forget that I'm an adult."

"I realize that, but sometimes you still need taking care of." He stroked her head softly lingering until he saw her take another bite of her sandwich.

"I have a husband for that."

Julian shook his head slowly. "You don't anymore."

"How can you say that? Sam is getting stronger every day." Pretty soon he would be back 100% better than ever. His recovery had been going so well.

"Physically yes, but mentally he's still the same. He doesn't remember you," Julian reminded her gently. It felt like a piece of the sandwich had lodged in her throat.

"He's going to find out today about me and Beth." She got nervous just thinking about it. Their lives were about to change today. Finally her little make shift family was going to find its way back together.

"Knowing and feeling are two different things."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"He'll know you are his wife, but will he care?"

The thought had been on her mind since she found out about his memory loss. What if he just didn't care that he had a wife, especially a wife he didn't know? Mercedes tried to hang on to the positive. Sam had always wanted a family, he had been talking about it just the last night. She had to believe that he would care about their life together.

"He already cares about me and he thinks I'm just his nurse."

She could feel it, see it in his eyes, she knew she meant something to him. He wouldn't ignore those feelings just because he had a baby with another woman.

"Is this the kissing you were telling Puck about?"

Mercedes had been hoping her father would spare them both the embarrassment and just not bring this subject up.

"I really don't want to get into that with you, dad."

"I was a little surprised to find you in bed with Sam this morning," he pushed on. Apparently her father wasn't squeamish about the subject as Mercedes was.

"You've seen me in there before," she said trying to play it off.

It wasn't like he caught them getting physical she was just in the bed beside him, under the covers, as if she had something to hide. Okay so it may have looked a little strange to her father.

"Not while he was conscious. Things have changed," he said taking a seat beside her.

Things had changed for the better. Sam could respond to her now and he had been with gusto.

"You act like I was jumping in bed with some random patient. I am married to the man." Which probably went to the heart of her dad's problem with it all. She was still married to Sam and he didn't like it.

"I just don't want to see you hurt anymore by him. He's done enough damage to your life."

"He's not going to hurt me. We've been getting along very well."

It was different this time. He was so open and trusting. They had felt a connection and hadn't run from it. Not like when they first met and he was always playing hide and seek with his feelings. Sam hadn't held back with her at all this time.

"Right now he thinks you are some super friendly nurse. He probably feels like he hit the jackpot with you."

"Meaning?" she asked although she knew full well what her dad was implying.

"Meaning he's a man that has gone without sex for months and now he has this woman throwing herself at him."

"I didn't throw myself." Sure she had kissed him first but Sam had done all the rest. She hadn't forced him into anything.

"I bet he sees you as some easy lay to get his rocks off with. Once he's released you will be the last thing on his mind."

"Dad, how can you say this to me? You don't think that I can tell when a man is after only one thing?"

The thought had crossed her mind but she had confronted Sam about it and he had assured her it wasn't true. And she had believed him. Mercedes' instincts were telling her that all of this between them was about more than sex.

"Not with Sam you can't. Everything about the guy clouds your judgment. You have not made one smart choice since you got involved with him."

She probably did look like a fool when it came to Sam and half the time she felt like one, but there was just something inside her that wouldn't allow her to let him go. No matter what pain he put her through, deep down she always knew they'd find their way together. At one point, that knowledge was very deep down, practically invisible, and she had almost given up on him a few times. But each time she had almost successfully put him out of her heart, he would do something, give her a sign, and she'd be right back where she started. Hopelessly in love with Sam Evans.

"I've known Sam longer than I've known you. You don't know the whole story."

"I know all about what went down at D&E, that sex tape, and all those games you were playing while he was with Rachel. You two just make mistake after mistake with each other."

If this was all they ever had. If she remained lost to him forever and his heart never wanted her again, Mercedes still wouldn't have any regrets about being with him. The ups and downs, the pain, the fears, all of it, was worth enduring just for him. He had given her the greatest gift, even so briefly, he had made her feel completely loved. She knew without question that she had been all he wanted, if they never found their way back at least she had that feeling to hold on to. No one could ever take away the love they shared. He might have forgotten, but Mercedes knew she never would.

"Marrying Sam wasn't a mistake. We've had our issues, but we have worked through every one. You don't know as much as you think about our relationship."

"Okay," he slumped back in his chair with a sad smile.

"That's all you are going to say? Just okay?" She was a bit surprised he hadn't challenged her more.

"You're right. I don't know everything. I just want you to keep a level head about the situation. As long as you do that there's nothing more I can say."

"I'm trying dad. It's just hard sometimes to hold back. I missed him so much."

There was a moment after the sun's glow had filled the room and the birth of the day had left them speechless, he had turned to look at her, a smile on his face, and for an instant it was like her Sam was back. All the love and emotion he had forgotten was in his eyes. It was then that Mercedes wanted to throw caution to the wind, disregard the doctors, risk it all and tell him everything. Tell him that she loved him and that she was his wife. Instead she let kisses consume them and hoped that he'd somehow feel all the words she couldn't say.

"I know you did."

"It's kind of hard not to want to rush to make up for lost time. And I do realize that he doesn't remember any of it, but I truly believe a part of him does. He wouldn't feel so strongly about me if he didn't remember something." Everything else between them might have died in the crash, but their connection had survived.

"From what I gather his amnesia is not being caused by a brain injury."

"He's blocking this stuff out on his own?" She had suspected there was more going on with him since his memory loss was so specific. Of all the times to lose, he chose those years, didn't seem like coincidence.

"Something like that. The trauma of the accident set it off and now his mind is protecting itself against something."

"Against me? Because I'm really the only new part of his life in the last three years." Taking it personally was something she was trying to avoid, but it was hard not to when she was really the only person he had forgotten.

"Not necessarily you, maybe just the accident, and since you were in the car with him…"

"He blocked me out too." Maybe he was blaming her for the accident and this was his way of subconsciously punishing her. She deserved this fate. She had taken so much from him when she crashed the car.

"Could be."

"You think he'll ever get those memories back?" Suddenly feeling like she was stuck on death row, she couldn't help but pray for a pardon.

"If this is truly psychological in nature then I think he will."

"How long will it take?"

She had been prepared to stay with him as long as it took him to recover from the coma. She would never have left him abandoned in the dark. But she didn't know how long she could handle being the one his heart forgot, especially when he seemed so focused on Quinn.

"That really depends on him sweetheart. Whatever is broken inside him needs to heal."

"Kali is going to be working with him."

It was already after two. She should be with him right now. Not only did Kalina want her there, but also Sam had asked her to be his moral support. A fact that was simply amazing. He didn't remember her but he wanted her close. It had meant so much to her, and now she was here stuck with her dad, letting Sam down. She hoped he wouldn't hold it against her.

"That just might do the trick. We have to stay positive."

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Go back and forth like that. One minute you were scolding me about throwing myself at Sam and now you're telling me to keep the faith that my husband will get better."

"Dads can be bi polar I'm learning, especially when it comes to their daughter's love life. I want you safe but I also want you loved. I just keep praying you can get that with Sam."

"You don't think I can?"

"No I don't. He's hurt you too much already. But it is not my choice. You get to love who you want."

"Sam's a good man. He just made some mistakes. So have I."

"I know he has good in him. I've acknowledged that before. I just don't know if he is the right man for you."

"Not your decision, remember?"

She wished there was someone that believed in them, so she didn't feel so alone in all of this. Puck was trying to be supportive, but Mercedes wasn't fully convinced his positivity wasn't more about keeping Sam away from Quinn. Kurt had her back, but he really had no idea what her relationship with Sam had been like. Beiste and her father had voiced their concerns repeatedly. And Sam's family, they were always so hard to read. Never knew if they were just tolerating her presence or actually glad she was in Sam's life. Worst of all she didn't even have Sam. Before the accident they faced questions about their relationship together, and if people didn't understand it didn't matter because they knew what they had was real. Now Sam was just as much an outsider to their relationship as everyone else. Once he found out the truth about their marriage, would he question it all too?

"I know and I am trying to stay out of it and trust you." Mercedes hugged him knowing how much it must have taken for him to even say that much.

"Thank you for that."

"But make no mistake, if he so much as looks at you funny, I'm going to hurt him."

"Dad…" She rubbed his arm trying to soothe away the angry lines on his face. She hated that the two most important men in her life were at odds.

"I'm serious. I'm not going to let him break your heart again."

"He's not going to hurt me."

Mercedes had been the bigger heartbreaker in their relationship, letting him think they were solid when all the while she was filled with confusion. He had trusted her when they met at the altar and exchanged their vows. He had no idea of the betrayal and the lies she had heaped behind his back. Sam had been blindsided by the truth because he had let himself trust her completely. Nothing had hurt her worse than knowing she had broken his heart so completely, all the pain that happened after that came from that first blow. If only she had just been honest, she could have spared them all so much pain.

"He better not Mercedes, because I seriously don't know what I'd do if messes up your life again."

He had a daughter. Sam was proud, happy, and extremely overwhelmed, everything had changed, this time Sam was ready to be a father. Back when he first came home from Afghanistan, despite his efforts to convince Brittany they should start a family, Sam was running scared. Becoming a father was something he always wanted, but deep down he had serious doubts about his ability to handle such a huge responsibility. He basically ran away from it the first time, allowing himself to be easily swayed by Brittany to let a cat be an acceptable substitute for a child.

This time there was nowhere to run, Sam was married and had a daughter. It didn't matter that he didn't remember how any of it happened. It was still very real. Just a few hours ago his future was cloudy. His fate seemingly set on a course much like his father's, lots of work without much love. In an instant, it all changed. He actually had the family he always wanted. Hopefully he was up to the challenge of being the husband and father they needed. That was always the issue for Sam. He wanted a good life, filled with family, respect, and love, but a part of him didn't fully believe he was worthy of it. Sam figured that his questionable choices in life had made him less than deserving of getting all of his dreams fulfilled. Suddenly it seemed he couldn't have been more wrong.

"But Mercedes..."

"Did Mercedes ever say she was her daughter?" asked Kalina.

"Now that I think about it. No she hasn't said those words, but she always had her." That explained the lack of gushing. Mercedes wasn't a new mother at all. She was just acting as some sort of nanny. She had the tired look of motherhood, but not the glow.

"She's taking care of her."

"She takes care of me and she takes care of my daughter? Is it because Quinn is on tour?"

The door opened and the older head nurse entered with the baby in her arms, his baby. Beth was frowning and looked like she might burst into tears at any moment. Sam wondered if the little girl had maybe caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. He was wearing a shirt with a huge smiling duck on the front, not very cute at all.

"You've got a little visitor. She's a bit cranky. We had to wake her up from her nap," said the older nurse as she walked into the room. Beth squealed in her arms, her little face fixed in a frown.

"Cranky seems to run in the family. I thought Mercedes was bringing her," said Kalina as she walked over to Cheryl and Beth.

"She's going to be a few minutes, she is with Dr. Jones," responded Cheryl.

"Thank you Cheryl." Kalina took Beth from the nurse's arms. "You think you'd like to hold her?" asked Kalina turning her attention back to Sam.

Kalina brought Beth to Sam's bedside. For a moment Sam simply stared in awe of the little person that was in the world because of him and Quinn. She handed Beth to Sam carefully making sure that he could hold the baby securely.

"Let me see this little girl," said Sam settling Beth in his lap. Beth's frown straightened out as he looked up at Sam's face. "Man you're a big girl. Are you sure she's only four months?"

"She was actually premature, but it's hard to tell isn't it?" Kalina played with the baby's hand trying to get her attention, but Beth remained focused on Sam.

"She looks older. Glad to see your mommy has been feeding you well." As if she understood, a smile spread over Beth's face at Sam's words. "Wow, look at that," said Sam smiling brightly. He lifted Beth up, dangling her above his lap, to look at her better.

"I think she has your smile."

"I think so too. I didn't notice it when I saw her before." Sam never took his eyes off of the baby as she wiggled in his arms. He placed Beth facing him in his lap once again.

"Probably because you weren't looking for it. I think she looks a lot like you, in her own baby way of course."

"She has Quinn's eyes. How could I have missed that? It's like looking at her." Wide and murky green, flecked with gold, so striking they ruled her face making her other features seem secondary.

"You two were a couple for a long time? Since high school?" asked Kalina returning to her file.

"No we broke up senior year. She actually ended up with my cousin Puck." Actually that statement was no longer true. Quinn had ended up with him. Seemed like the past three years went better than he had ever dreamed.

"I see that here. They broke up in 2011."

"I remember they were having problems."

"How much of 2011 do you remember?"

"Just up to that crash, so that was February. It's blank after that."

"You've missed a lot."

"Ya think? You were supposed to be filling me in all this time."

"I wanted to focus on the most important parts, your family."

"This baby is a big shock. An awesomely big shock."

Sam cradled Beth against his chest, feeling a sudden surge of happiness when the baby relaxed against him. Usually babies were leery of strangers, fussy around people they didn't know, but Beth was very at ease with him, as if she already knew who he was. Maybe it was the primal call of their shared bloodline or DNA, because somehow his daughter seemed to know that she was safe with him.

"I take it you're pleased."

"Pleased doesn't even begin to cover it. Quinn and I...it is just so amazing...we created this perfect baby." Sam stumbled over his words, his emotions getting the better of him.

"Yes you did. She is beautiful."

If only he could have some time alone with Beth. There was so much he wanted to say to his child. He wanted to tell her that she would be the best father to her, always there, never too busy to be around for her. He wanted to make promises, to be at every dance recital, softball game, school play, or just to talk. He wouldn't be cold and judgmental like his own father had been. Sam would be open, loving, and accessible. He wanted to promise that his daughter would never have to wonder if her father loved her or was proud of her. There was just so much, the future was in his arms, staring up at him with big green eyes and blond hair. Sam could hardly believe that he had been so blessed.

Sam had never been much for religion. He was raised by Dwight Evans, a man that thought all it took to secure a place in heaven was a big donation. Quinn had been the one with all the faith, the one that saw miracles in the moonlight. Today he finally felt what she must've all along. The wonder of a child that was a part of him, entrusted to him to raise and love with Quinn by his side. If ever there was evidence of God, of a higher power, Sam truly felt it in this moment. A complete sense of certainty that life and love combined in an otherworldly brew to create the little miracle in his lap. Amazed, humbled and honored to have this gift bestowed on him. Sam groaned inwardly at his sudden need to get all poetic, but honestly he was feeling so much that he probably could write a sonnet or song. Not that he'd ever admit that to anyone, well maybe to Quinn, she'd understand. He wished he could share this all with her right now. Dr. Hill shouldn't have told him about Beth, his wife should have.

"Can we at least get her on the phone? I'd like to tell her I know and that I'm holding our baby. I can't believe she's not even here for this. How could you tell me without her? I mean it seems only right that my wife would be by my side for this."

"I thought your wife was going to be here," said Kalina glancing at the clock.

"I thought Quinn was on tour. Why would you think she would just show up? What are you hiding?" Sam was starting to get suspicious. It didn't make sense that his wife would not be there when he met their son.

"You should probably relax. I'm not hiding anything. I was just saying that I had planned for your wife to be here for this." Dr. Hill was hiding something. Sam could see it all over her face.

"And you couldn't hold off until Quinn got back?"

"Sam we have to talk about Quinn." Dr. Hill paused. Sam could tell she was watching him, probably trying to gauge his reaction. "She won't be coming back."

Apprehension grew with every passing second. "What do you mean? Did something happen to her? Is she hurt?"

"She's not hurt, but she is sick. Quinn had postpartum depression after she gave birth to Beth."

"Is she getting treatment?" asked Sam his heart pounding in his chest. He slowly rubbed Beth's back in comforting circles, the gesture more to calm himself than the baby.

"She's at the Midwest State Psychiatric facility."

Sam's heart dropped. Her voice crying out to him whenever he closed his eyes, the sadness during their phone conversations, Quinn had been calling for him the whole time.

"Upstate? Why would she be all the way up there? That's for the hardcore cases and the criminally insane. Why couldn't she be treated here in Lima?"

"She was here at first."

"Was that why she was with me when I was waking up?"

"She was transferred to Midwest that same morning," said Kalina.

The pieces started to fit together in his mind. Quinn didn't deliberately abandon him, she just couldn't stay. He selfishly felt relieved by that knowledge. He knew he should have been solely focused on Quinn and her health, but Sam couldn't help but be a little happy that his fears had been unfounded. Quinn still cared about him.

"That's why she couldn't stay. I couldn't believe she hadn't stayed to talk to me or come to visit."

"She's not able to come."

"Well, I want to go see her." He needed to be there for her. He felt sick as he imagined Quinn alone, locked away in a mental facility. She couldn't have been that bad off to deserve that. If only he had been conscious to help her. Sam was sure that he could have prevented things from getting this bad.

She shook her head. "I don't think you're ready for that yet. But you should check with your doctors."

"I definitely will. I need to see my wife. She must be so alone up there. I can't imagine what it must be like for her being away from Beth." He had only held Beth for ten minutes and he didn't want to let her go. Sam could only imagine the agony Quinn must be feeling being separated from their baby.

"Things have been hard for Quinn but she's determined to get her life back on track."

Sam shook his head sadly. "I can't believe she went through all of this without me. I wasn't there for her when she needed me. I let her down."

Sam wasn't clear about what happened in his car accident, but he felt pretty certain it was probably his fault. He had a self-destructive streak that liked to rear its head whenever his life was on the right track. From the looks of things his life was definitely good. How could he have let himself get in a situation that would take him away from his family like this, and for so long? He felt so guilty for abandoning Quinn all this time. She went through her entire pregnancy without him. He wondered if that was what caused her depression, having a comatose husband couldn't have been easy for a pregnant woman to handle.

"She understood. She just wanted you to get better." Dr. Hill had put on this soothing voice that ticked Sam off. He much preferred her more direct demeanor, felt less patronizing.

"Don't try to placate me. I wasn't there for my family. I missed so much."

Quinn had needed him and he wasn't there. He had failed her completely, something he never wanted to do. Even when she had broken his heart and hooked up with Puck, Sam had made a silent vow to always be there for Quinn, he didn't want to let anything destroy their friendship. If they had nothing else, he would make sure they always had that. He wanted her to know that she could still count on him no matter what. Now when it seemed as if she might have been facing the worst challenge of her life, he had been of no use. Sam couldn't help but feel angry at himself for allowing it all to happen this way.

"You can make up for the lost time with Beth. I know Mercedes has been bringing her to see you since she was two months old."

"Two months? Mercedes has been taking care of her that long? Quinn was in the hospital all that time?" Sam asked in disbelief.

"It's complicated, but yes Mercedes has been with Beth for months. Sam we need to talk about your wife now."

"There's something else wrong with Quinn?"

Fear gripped him as he clung just a little tighter to Beth as if another word would blow his little family away. Quinn was in a mental hospital, suffering alone, he had been in a coma, leaving Beth to be raised by a stranger. Maybe he was being made to pay for all of his sins after all. This dream was quickly starting to feel like a nightmare.