AUTHOR'S NOTE: Just a reminder of something. If there are no parentheses after the name of the fairy tale character, that means that they were created especially for this story.
Elsewhere, Prince Charming had reached a small village outside of the woods, though the land didn't look very inviting. The ground was all dried up, and the plant life was withered and brown.
"Wow," Prince Charming said as he looked around. "What the heck happened here?"
Prince Charming walked down the road, looking at the farmland. Every single crop in the fields was dried up and dead. The prince had never seen more pathetic looking produce in his entire life. As he was walking, he came across a man, leading a cow down the path with a rope. He was humming a tune.
"Excuse me, sir!" Prince Charming shouted. "But, do you think you could tell me where . . . ."
"Get away from me, boy," he said, pushing the prince out of his way, and kept right on going. "You bother me."
The prince glared at the man, and continued walking. He reached a farm house, and this farm looked worse than the rest of the farms.
"Sheesh, this place looks worse than the rest of the village!" he shouted. He walked up to the house and was about to knock on the door when he heard something going on inside. He looked through a window and saw a short, chubby, blond-haired teenage boy (Coil Man) walk up to an older woman with frosted blond hair (my OC, Martha Collins, who is Coiley's mother).
"Jack, where have you been?" the woman asked. "Did you sell the cow?"
"Well . . . . . ." Jack said, nervously. "Not exactly, Mom."
"What do you mean not exactly?"
"See, what happened was this. I was on my way to the market, when I came across this man, and he said he'd trade the cow for some magic beans, and . . . . ."
"Magic beans? Oh Jack!"
Jack's mother slapped her hand over her eyes, groaned loudly, and leaned against a table.
"Jack, how?" she asked. "How could you have believed a silly story like that? Don't you know there's no such thing as magic beans?"
"But Mom, he didn't give me a chance to . . . ." Jack started.
"I don't want to hear your excuses!" his mother shouted, angrily, as she tossed the handful of beans right out the window.
Prince Charming decided to break this up before things got ugly. He quickly knocked on the door. Jack's mother sighed, got up, and walked over to the door.
"Yes?" she asked, once she saw Prince Charming standing there.
"Excuse me, ma'am," the prince said. "I don't mean to intrude, but do you think maybe you could give me some directions? I'm kind of lost."
"I'll say you are!" Jack shouted, coming to the door. "What with those fancy clothes you're wearing!"
"Yeah, well," Prince Charming said, shrugging. "Anyway, I'm looking for the girl who's foot fits this glass slipper."
"Sorry, fella," Jack said. "There aren't many girls that pass by this way."
"I was afraid of that," Prince Charming sighed. "Oh well, thanks anyway. Guess I'd better start heading out of here if that's the case."
"I don't think that's such a good idea," Jack's mother said. "There are quite a few highwaymen around here who come out at night just waiting for someone to come along."
"Yeah, you're sure to be a target looking like that," Jack replied.
"You're welcome to stay here for the night," Jack's mother said.
Prince Charming accepted the offer, and stepped inside. Once he was inside, Jack's mother began telling him about why the farm looked the way it did.
"Our kingdom didn't always look like this," she explained. "It's hard to believe that this place was once flourishing and green. The king and queen who live in a big castle on a hill near here kept it alive with a magic harp that was able to play itself. Then one day, a shadow fell over the land, and the next thing we knew, the harp was gone. My husband and I witnessed the whole thing. The shadow was a huge giant, who just seemed to come down out of the sky. My husband went after him to try to get the harp back, but he was no match for the giant."
"Dad wound up flatter than a pancake," Jack explained.
"Eeesh, what a way to go," Prince Charming said, with a grimace. "Squashed like a bug."
"After the harp was gone, things changed," Jack said. "The king and queen became depressed, and no longer cared what happened around here. Then came the drought. Mom and I managed to get by for awhile, though, since we had a cow who was the best milking cow in the entire village, but then she just dried up one day."
"Became an udder failure, huh?" Prince Charming asked.
"Yeah," Jack said, as he and his mother both rolled their eyes at that bad pun. "Anyway, Mom sent me to the market this morning to sell the cow . . . . ."
"And all he brought home was a handful of beans," Jack's mother said.
"The person who sold them to me said they were magic beans," Jack said, shrugging. "And basically that's where you came in."
"Now tell us," Jack's mother said. "What are you doing here in our neck of the woods?"
"Well, it all started when my father threw this royal ball trying to get me married," Prince Charming said, and told Jack and his mother his story.
"So now I'm trying to find this girl," he concluded. "Either that or get back to my dad's castle, whichever comes first."
"Well, I don't know how to get to your dad's kingdom from ours," Jack said. "Sorry, your highness."
"That's okay," Prince Charming said. "I'm sure I'll get there eventually. And I'm sure I'll find my dream girl eventually, too."
That being said, Jack, his mother, and the prince decided to call it a day, and it had been a rather long day for all three of them. But what they didn't know was that the next day was going to be even longer. When Jack's mother threw the beans out the window, they had landed in a small hole in the backyard. During the night, when a beam from the full moon hit the hole, the beans begin to grow, and they kept right on growing until it reached the sky.
Early the next morning, Jack woke up, and looked out the window. The first thing he saw was the giant beanstalk.
"I must be dreaming!" he shouted.
"What's the matter?" Prince Charming asked, walking into the room. He looked out the window, and saw the beanstalk himself.
"Never mind, that answers my question," he said.
"This is the biggest beanstalk I've ever seen in my entire life," Jack said.
"Giant sized, that's for sure," Prince Charming said. "What's your mother going to say when she sees this?!"
"I don't know," Jack said. "But I don't want to be around when she does!"
"Wait a minute, I just had a thought. You and your mom told me that a giant seemed to come down from out of the sky and stole that harp, right?"
"Yeah?"
"And this beanstalk goes all the way back up to the sky, right?"
"Yeah . . . . . I get it. We go up the beanstalk and get the harp back."
"You got it. Come on, let's get going."
Immediately, the two boys ran outside, and began climbing the beanstalk. It took awhile, but they managed to make it to the top of the stalk, and found themselves standing in front of a huge castle. When they saw it, they just stood there, dumbstruck.
"Wow," Jack said.
"You can say that again," Prince Charming replied. "This definitely puts my dad's place to shame, I'll tell ya that!"
Jack and the prince then walked toward the castle, and found that getting inside the castle was going to be easier than they thought. All they had to do was crawl underneath the crack in the door. Once inside, they saw a huge table, and on it was a harp.
"That's it," Jack said. "But the question is how are we gonna get it down."
Before Prince Charming could answer, the boys heard booming footsteps coming. They were so loud, the boys were knocked off their feet. A door opened, and in came a giant (Peter Potamus).
"Well, look what crawled out of the wood work!" he shouted, scooping up the two boys with his hand. "Termites!"
"Hey, who're you calling a termite, you big ox?!" Prince Charming shouted.
"Mouthy termites, yet," the giant said. "There's only one way to deal with termites."
The giant put Jack and Prince Charming down on the table, and pulled out a fly swatter. Jack and the prince knew what was coming immediately.
"Let's get outta here!" Prince Charming shouted.
"Good idea!" Jack shouted. The boys took off just as the fly swatter hit the table.
"Hey!" the giant shouted. "Come back here!"
The giant began chasing the boys around his castle, swatting at them with his fly swatter. The boys were having a heck of a time trying to avoid being swatted, or even stepped on.
"We can't keep this up forever!" Prince Charming shouted. "We need to find a hiding place!"
"Over there!" Jack shouted, pointing up ahead to a mouse hole in the wall. The boys dashed inside, while the giant dove for them, but only managed to crash right into the wall.
WHAM!
The giant groaned, stood up, and walked toward his table.
"Smart aleck termites," he mumbled. Then he picked up the harp and plucked a couple of strings on it.
"Okay, harp," he said. "Start playing!"
The harp began to play, all by itself. Prince Charming and Jack peeked out of the mouse hole, and watched.
"This isn't gonna be easy," the prince said. "How are we gonna get the harp with that giant sitting there?"
"I don't know," Jack said.
Jack and the prince stood in the mouse hole and watched as the harp played it's music and the giant listened. About an hour into the harp's concert, however, the giant began to grow drowsy.
"Hey, Jack, dig this!" the prince shouted. "Looks like he's falling asleep."
"Now's our chance!" Jack shouted.
The boys quietly snuck over to the table, just as the giant fell asleep, snoring loudly. They climbed up the table leg, snuck over to the harp, picked it up, and began to make their get away. Unfortunately, the harp had other ideas.
"Save me! Save me!" it shouted. "I'm being stolen!"
And wouldn't you know it, that was enough to wake up the giant.
"Rat fink harp," Prince Charming muttered under his breath.
"Let's go!" Jack shouted, and he and Prince Charming took off with the harp in tow.
"All right, you pests!" the giant shouted, getting up. "You come back here with my harp!"
The boys ran out of the castle as fast as they could, with the giant hot on their heels, chasing them right to the beanstalk. The boys immediately began climbing down, but to their surprise, so did the giant!
"I can't believe he's actually following us!" Prince Charming shouted. "We'd better move faster!"
"Easy for you to say!" Jack shouted. "You're not the one lugging a heavy harp down a beanstalk!"
"You're not exactly light as a feather yourself, buster!" the harp shouted.
"If there's one thing I can't stand," Jack mumbled, "it's a smart aleck harp."
But the boys continued down, passing each other the harp back and forth on the way. Luckily, they managed to reach the bottom of the beanstalk way before the giant. Once they reached the ground, they were met by Jack's mother.
"Jack, what in the world is going on?!" she shouted.
"I'll explain later, Mom!" Jack shouted. "I need the axe!"
"There's one over there," Prince Charming said, pointing to a tree stump with an axe embedded in it.
Jack ran over to the stump, grabbed the axe, raced back to the beanstalk, and began chopping as fast as he possibly could, until it was ready to fall over.
"TIIIIIIIMBEEERRRRR!" he shouted, as he, his mother, and Prince Charming stood to one side as the beanstalk started to fall.
"Hey, what the . . . . ." the giant said, just as the beanstalk toppled. "YeeeeaaaaaaaaAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!"
CRASH!
The giant hit the ground with such force, Jack, his mother, and Prince Charming were knocked off their feet, and the giant also made quite a large hole in the ground. He dazedly got up out of it, but he was seeing stars and birds around his head.
"Anybody got a aspirin?" he asked, before falling flat on his back again.
"Serves him right for stealing the kingdom's harp," Jack's mother said.
"Come on, let's return it to the palace!" Jack shouted.
Jack, his mother, and Prince Charming loaded the harp onto a cart, and pulled it down the road to the castle. The townspeople saw them with the harp and began cheering. They were greeted by the king and queen themselves when they reached the palace.
"You've brought back the magic harp!" the king shouted. "Now my kingdom will be prosperous once more! How can we ever thank you?"
"Well . . . ." Jack started, but he was interrupted by the sound of giant footsteps approaching. It was the giant coming toward the castle.
"Now wait just one minute!" he shouted, picking up Jack in his hand. "I have a bone to pick with you! You chopped down the beanstalk, and I don't have a way to get back home!"
"Well, I'm sorry," Jack said, shrugging. "But it was the only way we could get the harp back."
"Besides," Prince Charming said. "Why do you want that harp, anyway?"
"I happen to like harp music!" the giant shouted. "You can't get any harp music up where I live!"
"But we need the harp!" Jack shouted. "Without it, our kingdom will become a desolate wasteland!"
"It will?" the giant asked. "Well, gee, I didn't realize that would happen."
"Did you also realize you killed my dad when he tried to get it back?"
"That was your dad? I thought he was a cockroach. I'm awful sorry about that. I didn't know. Anyway, I can find a new place to live, but how am I gonna get my harp music?"
"I have an idea. If you promise not to steal anymore, you can come back here to the kingdom and listen to the harp whenever you want."
"It's a deal!"
Everyone cheered, and the harp immediately began playing in celebration.
"I guess it's true when they say music soothes the savage beast," Prince Charming said. "Now that we've got the happy ending settled here, I've got to be going. I've still got my dream girl to find."
"Good luck, your highness!" Jack called out, as the prince made his way down the path.
"Thanks!" Prince Charming called back. "I think I'm gonna need it."