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Chapter 23

Surprised didn't begin to describe Quinn's feelings when she learned she had a visitor so late in the evening. Actually her heart soared, she prayed it was Santana or Puck who was waiting for her, maybe they had bent the rules again and found a way in to see her. She needed news from back home, she had to know how Sam was doing, how he handled the news. It probably was silly to be so concerned, Sam already had a nephew and two nieces, he wasn't exactly a novice when it came to children. And Sam had wanted to start a family with Brittany, at one time that was all he talked about. So Quinn didn't really expect Sam to reject Beth, she felt it fairly safe to assume he would be thrilled, but there was something else that worried her, and that something else was why she was so desperate to hear how the day went.

"You can go right in," the orderly said, holding the door open for her.

Into the closet turned meeting room, Quinn took a deep breath, closing her eyes briefly, before turning to see who was waiting.

Daddy, she thought, a smile breaking on her face. He smiled back as he slowly approached, opening his arms slightly, as if he were going to pull her into a hug once he was near enough. Quinn wanted to fall into his arms. She hadn't realized just how much she missed her father, until she saw him in front of her. Relief, comfort, maybe even understanding awaited in the circle of his arms. Then she caught herself, reality setting in, this was not who they were. She didn't have that sort of relationship with her dad, outside of her daydreams. Cutting off her smile, and sidestepping his arms, Quinn walked over to the opposite side of the table and took a seat.

"Russell, what are you doing here?" she asked, feeling a bit nervous.

She heard his sigh and saw his face fall slightly as he returned to his own seat at the table.

"I was in the area for a conference, thought I would stop in."

"How did you know I was here?"

"Honey, you're all over the news." Quinn inwardly cringed remembering Nancy Grace, the Lima Gazette, and the latest tidbit about Facebook pages. She was officially out of denial, everyone knew her fate. "Besides, you didn't think I would be looking in on you at some point?"

"Well I hadn't heard from you so I assumed…"

"Did you want to hear from me?" he asked interrupting her.

"I don't know. Not really, but, I figured I wouldn't have much choice in the matter. You and Judy never do what I want," she said pushing her long blonde hair over her shoulder. She needed a haircut, soon she would be sitting on her hair.

"I don't think that's quite true. There are many instances of how we never interfered. If we had our way, we would have been by your side sooner, long before all of this."

"To pass judgment you mean." Quinn tried to remain calm, but it was always so hard in her father's presence, the way he looked at her, his blue eyes seeming to stare right through her before they clouded with disappointment, always made Quinn feel like she couldn't quite measure up. As if he felt like any daughter of his would have accomplished more in her life, more than being a washed up pop singer, unwed mother, and now mental patient, all before she was thirty no less.

"We would never judge you sweetheart. Why do you always say things like that? Has your mom or I ever stood in the way of any of your choices?"

"No but..."

"When you wanted to run off across the world to sing, did we stop you?" asked Russell cutting her off.

"No but, Puck was with me."

"And we didn't say anything about you being serious with Puck so young did we?"

"You liked Puck's family," said Quinn. Her parents had always been supportive of Puck. The moment they found out she wanted to be with Puck and not Sam it was like a wave of relief washed over them. After she started dating Puck, suddenly she was the perfect daughter.

"He is an Evans," said Russell his face twisting with just a hint of distaste.

"He's Jacob Puckerman's son." Quinn watched as Russell nodded his head in agreement. Puck being related to Jacob Puckerman made all the difference to everyone in Lima, it canceled out his supposedly tainted Evans blood. Puck's dad might have neglected him his entire life and left him to be raised by Dwight, but the community never seemed to notice that flaw. Jacob Puckerman was wealthy, old money rich, and that's all that mattered to anyone it seemed.

"I admit that I always liked Puck, I thought he would be a good influence on you, give you some grounding while out of the country."

"Too bad he was the one that took flight while I was on tour." Quinn looked down at the table, focusing on a stain in the tabletop as she remembered those dark days. Puck had fallen so fast. They had spent so much time apart, she was always singing and he was home in their apartment finishing his degree online, or so she had thought. Quinn had no idea that Puck spent most of his days, and nights crawling the streets of New York City losing himself in drugs.

Russell ran his hands over his short blonde hair. "That was a sad situation, drugs can take down even the best of men."

"Why is it you're so understanding about Puck's addiction, but you can't muster one ounce of compassion for me?" Quinn asked narrowing her eyes at his father. Her parents could cut everyone in the world slack but her, nothing she ever did was good enough in their eyes.

"That's just not true Quinn. Your mom and I are behind you 100%."

"Is that so? Where were you when I needed help trying to get Puck into rehab?" she asked her eyes starting to blur with tears. "I was alone in NYC dealing with that."

"You never called us," Russell said quietly.

He was right, she didn't call them. Mainly because she knew how disappointed they would be and she couldn't bear to face them. So many years they had tried to fix her, sending her away to mental institutions whenever showed any sign of independent thought or defiance. Instinctively, she shied away from going to them after that. Stupid and immature as her line of thinking was she had hoped that somehow her parents would just know she need them and come to her aid. She shouldn't have had to call.

"But I did call when I was so confused about Sam and Mike. I called mom trying to find some answers."

Sheer desperation had led her to call her mother of all people to discuss her love life, but she had been so confused by the feelings she was having for the brothers. She had hoped someone would talk her down and help her make a wise decision. Her hopes got her nowhere, and she was left to her own devices.

"And didn't mom give you answers? As I recall, she had a lot to say on the matter."

"Judging me you mean. She was three steps from calling me a slut." Quinn wiped at the one tear she managed to let fall. She had put all of this behind her, but the conversation was opening old wounds. A part of her had never really forgotten her mother's condescending attitude on the phone that day. After years of minimal contact, Quinn had finally reached out and all she got were insults and criticism.

"Quinn!" Russell exclaimed. "Your mom would never say anything of the sort."

"Right, Judy never says anything." She just hinted at it with sharp edged innuendo. Her mother could convey more meaning with a series of sighs than most people could with a whole sentence.

"I think we need to relax, we are getting off on the wrong foot here," said Russell patting the back of Quinn's hand. Quinn flinched at his contact, but her father didn't seem to notice, he kept rubbing her hand like nothing was wrong.

"Why did you come here tonight? How did you even get in? I'm not allowed visitors yet."

"Being a married to Judy Garwood Fabray has its perks," said Russell with a small smile. "I just introduced myself as Mr. Russell Garwood and they let me in to see you."

"So they don't know you're my father?" asked Quinn. She really hoped they didn't. The last thing she needed was yet another thing to set her apart from the other patients. It was bad enough that Puck seemed to be able to waltz in and out of the place at his whim. Sometime soon the other patients would notice, and call her out about it. The last thing Quinn needed was more drama. She needed to keep her head down here and just make it out in one piece.

"I'm not sure what the staff here knows, and I don't care. I'm here for you. How are you?"

"I'm locked in a mental hospital how do you think I am?" Annoyance was creeping into her voice, she was starting to think it was time for her dad to go.

"Must be hard, being away from Beth," he said glancing at her.

"I do miss her."

"I'm sure you do," he said watching her intently. Quinn squirmed under his gaze. It felt like he was watching her, to make sure she actually did mean what she was saying, as if he wanted her to prove that she truly did miss her daughter.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked.

"I just meant I understand how you must feel, being separated from your child. Your mom and I have been feeling similar pain, not being able to see you or Beth."

Quinn wanted to believe her dad meant what he was saying, but it was so hard to trust him completely. After everything her mother had done to her, sending her away, trying to fix her appearance with surgeries and makeovers since she hit puberty, after her father knowingly allowed her mom to do it, never interfering or responding to Quinn's pleas for help, he just didn't feel completely like family. Quinn couldn't help but wonder if he was just saying all of these words of loving concern, because he felt he should, but not because he actually felt them.

"I wanted you to visit after Beth was born, so you could meet her."

"You called and told us not to come," he reminded her.

"I know, and I'm sorry I had to do that, but things were just out of control. Finding out that Beth was not Puck's daughter was a very taxing time for me, for everyone."

"Your mom and I wanted to help you through that, if you had let us."

"There was nothing you could do to help me, I couldn't change the facts. Beth was Sam's daughter, not Puck's."

She had come to terms with that, even felt pleased that she shared a daughter with Sam, but there was still a slight sting whenever she thought about Puck, and what might have been. Sam had been her friend for years, and sharing a child with him made an odd sort of sense, but Puck was the man she had wanted to spend her life with, to start a family with. No matter how much she was okay with Sam being Beth's father, a part of her would always miss the life she had dreamed of having with Puck.

"We could have been there for you, been your support. Who was there for you while you were going through all of that stress?" asked Russell reaching out and grabbing her hand again.

"Shannon Beiste was very good to me and my friends." Her friends consisted of just Santana, and Puck too now that he'd forgiven her, but they were very supportive, quality over quantity.

"That's not the same as family. Your mom and I should have insisted on coming, I don't know why we listened to you. We should have been here. Maybe if we had…"

"Maybe I wouldn't have lost my mind? Is that what you were going to say?"

"Quinn no. Postpartum depression happens to so many women, there is nothing to say you wouldn't have suffered from the condition even if Beth's birth were drama free. I do think the fact that she was premature, and sick, on top of the paternity issues, did make you have an unusually harder time of it."

"Well it's in the past now. As you can see I'm getting treatment." She looked around the small white walled room. This was her life now.

"Yes you are. I can't say I like you all the way out here though. This place is in the middle of nowhere."

"Perfect place to bury the body," she shrugged.

"What are you saying?" asked Russell sitting up straighter in his chair.

"Dwight Evans is not pleased I am his grandchild's mother."

"Dwight Evans doesn't have a choice in the matter. Did that man do something to you? Are you saying he pulled strings to get you sent here?" he asked angrily.

"I don't know Russell. I had a lot to do with getting myself sent here on my own. I made some stupid mistakes. I think Dwight just made sure I paid for them."

"I saw the court proceedings and Judy and I were so sure the judge was going to set you free. We were shocked to find out you were sent back to the hospital."

"I guess you missed the part where I tried to choke Mercedes while she was on the witness stand." Not one of her finer moments, but at the time she couldn't think straight. All she knew was that Mercedes was keeping her from her baby.

"I saw that, but I think you were under a tremendous amount of stress and the day just took its toll."

"That's one way of putting it. I actually had a reaction to my medicine."

Quinn didn't like lying to her father, but she also wanted him to see her as someone stronger, someone capable of handling her own life, maybe if he thought she was just overdosed he would stop looking at her with those sad eyes. She would never stop being his poor crazy daughter.

"Shannon Beiste mentioned that."

"You spoke with Coach B?" asked Quinn surprised.

"She keeps us informed. If it weren't for her we would only have the internet to give us information, and you can imagine how inaccurate that would be."

"I've been told I'm the talk of cyberspace."

"Things will die down. Sam has a reputation so the media is interested. Why they insist on glamorizing the lives of petty thugs and moonshiners is beyond me."

Quinn sighed. "Sam's not a thug."

It had been years since she was involved romantically with Sam, yet her father still hadn't let go of his dislike for him. Her parents were a lot like Dwight and Sue in that way, holding onto old grudges for life. Beth was in for a lifetime of drama from both sets of her grandparents, luckily they lived in different states.

"Let's not talk about Sam. I know you're protective of him since he is Beth's father, and I don't want to fight."

Sam was more than Beth's father, her best friend, her constant support, such an important part of her life, a fact she was just starting to fully realize.

"We can't just ignore Sam. He's going to be around from now on."

"I heard he came out of his coma. That's great news," said Russell smiling. Quinn knew he was just trying to smooth things over with her now, she was pretty sure he could care less about Sam's medical triumphs.

"It is. Now Beth can be with her father."

"Honey, I know we've never discussed this and at first your mom and I assumed you chose Sam's wife to look after Beth because of a close connection or something."

"No I didn't choose Mercedes, the courts did." If she had thought things through, she would have made sure a more suitable person had custody of Beth, someone that wouldn't run the risk of keeping her from her in the long run.

"I understand that now. So here's what your mom and I have been discussing. How about we move back to Lima, just temporarily and take care of Beth? We would love to spend time with our granddaughter."

A shocked smile appeared on Quinn's face. "I don't want you to change your life for us. Besides Sam can take care of her."

"Do you think Sam is equipped to be a full time dad? I'd bet my last dollar he's going to let that wife of his continue to raise that girl. Do you want another woman in the role of mother to your daughter?"

"Sam will be an amazing dad. I'm sure of it."

"I'm not convinced. I'm worried about him growing up under the Evans influence and that girl he married is far too young to be a decent example. She probably bows down to everything Sam and Dwight tell her."

Quinn laughed lightly. "You don't know Mercedes, she's not the bowing down type."

"So you approve of Mercedes raising Beth?" asked Russell raising his eyebrows.

"I don't want Mercedes to raise her, I want to be the one to do that. I want to have that family with Beth, and Sam." Quinn wanted to clamp her hand over her mouth, she had revealed too much.

Russell looked up in surprise. "You want a family with Sam? Now that's something new. What about Puck?"

"Puck left me, and I can't say I blame him."

Her father looked disappointed. "Your mom and I always liked Puck, we had hoped you two might find a way to work it out."

"I cheated on him. I don't think he can ever forgive me for that." Puck had made it clear in so many ways that they were done and there was no hope of anything every being romantic between them again. She had destroyed them completely, but at least he was still her friend.

"Sam's wife seemed to have forgiven him. Which begs the question, how are you going to have a family with a married man?"

Tears rolled down Quinn's face. Her father was very right, she couldn't have that family with Sam, he already had one.

"I'm not going to have a family with him," she admitted. "His wife's not going to let him go, and I would never get in between that."

"I see," said her father cocking his head to the side. "What are you going to do then Quinn? It seems like your heart may have gotten out of control."

"What do you mean? My heart is fine." These things she was starting to feel for Sam were just silly daydreams because she was locked away from everyone she knew. It wasn't real. Just safe fantasies about a happy life, she knew none of it would happen.

"You're crying because you can't have Sam," said her father reaching over and wiping her tears from her cheek with his thumb.

"No I'm not," she snapped pulling back from him. "I'm crying because I am away from my baby and my parents think I'm a hopeless cause incapable of raising my child without their help."

"I never said anything like that. It's all in your head," he said gently.

"Great," laughed humorlessly through her tears. "Confirmation from my dad that I'm insane."

"Stop this now. You're not insane. I just think you're in serious denial about what you're doing to yourself in here."

"What am I doing?" Quinn asked. Here it comes, the judgment. She was surprised her father had gone this long without starting up sooner.

"I think you're setting yourself up for heartbreak, putting your hopes in a man that doesn't want you."

"How do you know he doesn't want me?" she asked defensively. "He doesn't remember his wife you know? Only me. I'm the one he misses and can't wait to see." He had come out of his coma with her and their baby. That had to mean something. Actually Quinn was sure it meant more than just something, it meant everything.

"I see. And he knows about his daughter?"

"He found out today." Her thoughts went to Lima and Sam getting the news about Beth. She was going to have to find a way to get some info soon, the suspense was killing her.

Russell nodded. "That's good."

"I don't know how he took the news though. He also found out he's married today."

"I'm sure it will be fine. A man has an instinctive pull toward his blood and his family."

"That's what I think too. He and Beth are going to be bonding soon." Quinn smiled imagining Sam holding their daughter in his arms. That's the picture she hoped Puck captured on his phone. She wanted to see them together.

"As will he and his wife."

"Russell, why would you say something like that to me?"

"Quinn you may not believe this, but you and I are so much alike. We both are stubborn and proud. We like to keep our emotions under our hats, and we like to carry the world on our own shoulders, never asking for help."

"I just want to fix my own mess."

"I know. We have that in common. That's why I tried to respect your wishes and stay away."

"I appreciate that." Things would have been so much worse if her parents had been around to see all of her turmoil first hand. She wouldn't have been able to handle trying to keep her sanity and keep up appearances as the perfect daughter at the same time.

"Sometimes honey, a person needs help. You can't be too afraid to ask for it."

"I will call you if I need you, I promise."

"Good. That's what your doctor said too."

"You spoke to Dr. Hill?"

"No your doctor, Julian."

Quinn's eyes widened in surprise. "You spoke to Julian?"

"It's been awhile, back when you were first arrested. I called him."

"Why would you do that?" Quinn sat back in her chair completely shocked. Just the idea of her dad and Julian speaking to each other after all that had happened, made her queasy.

"I'm a father. I trusted him to look out for you. I needed him to explain why he wasn't standing by your side, through all of this."

"I can't believe you would do that. Do you know how much pain I put him through? Mercedes is his daughter, Puck is like his adopted son." Russell had no right to bother Julian with anything, not after all she had done.

"He put you through just as much pain, abandoning you the way he did. No real man should be that cold to a mother and a newborn, especially not one he claimed to love like his own child."

"Oh God." Quinn groaned.

"Julian was surprisingly contrite. He admitted his shortcomings when it came to you and how he let down Beth."

"Beth wasn't his responsibility."

Russell shrugged. "He felt like she was. He loved her like a granddaughter."

"I know." That was the worst part of it all. She had no only hurt Puck, but she'd hurt Julian too. They had created a little extended family together, and she had blown it all up with one selfish act. Both Puck and Julian were looking forward to Beth's birth. The hurt and sadness in Puck's eyes when he told her about the paternity test mistake still haunted her. The only other time she had seen someone looks so completely wrecked was when Sam came to her door the night that they slept together, upset over Mercedes and Shane.

"At any rate he explained to me some about your condition and your case and that you were with Shannon Beiste. I told him about my plan to come to Lima to be with you if you had to face the courts, and he gave me some advice. He told me you were strong, and that you'd call if you needed us."

"He said that? About me?"

"Your doc thinks very highly of you and seems to know you very well."

"Not anymore, he couldn't care less."

"Sometimes it is easier to turn your back on someone than to deal with all the hurt, seeing them can be a reminder that is too painful."

"I felt like that about Beth. Sometimes it was so hard to look at her," she admitted sadly, not able to meet her father's eyes.

"I know baby. Your mind was protecting you. I just wish we could have gotten you some help sooner."

"I wouldn't have let you help me. Even Julian tried to get me treatment and I ignored the doctor."

She hadn't wanted help, she just wanted everything back to the way it was. She wanted Sam healthy and happy with Mercedes, and she wanted her baby with Puck, just as they had planned. Unless a doctor could accomplish that, she didn't want to hear it.

"Isn't it odd that a man that can't stand you helped you get medical assistance."

"He's a good man. I think he's the one that encouraged Puck to forgive me."

"We always did like Puck."

"You said that already," Quinn sniffled.

"Thought it was worth repeating." Russell smiled.

"Sam's a good man too, you just have to give him a chance. You'll see he won't let down Beth or me," said Quinn hoping to convince her father of how special Sam was.

"I hope so. You seem to be putting so much stock in him, I want him to live up to it all."

"He will. He always has. And once I get out of this place, I'm going to get my life together. I'm going to be the best mom to my baby."

"That's what I like to hear. No Fabray lets life lick em. My mom always used to say that."

Quinn smiled. "I wish I could have met her." It would've been nice to know her grandparents and extended family.

"She was a lot like you actually. Strong, beautiful, smart, and she never let anyone see her break."

"That doesn't sound like me. I've been breaking all over the place lately."

She felt like a mess most days. A crying, confused, pathetic mess, her emotions were so out of control she didn't even feel like herself anymore. She used to be so fearless. As a child she dealt with life head on, even in high school she had a determination that fueled her to follow her dreams. Somehow bit by bit, all that went away, and she was left unstable, needy, and afraid. She wanted the old version of herself back.

"Oh no, come here," said Russell rising from his chair and walking over to Quinn. He picked up both her hands and pulled her from her seat. "You are strong, intelligent, so very talented. You're my beautiful girl, and you're every bit like my mother. I have faith you will turn this around and give your daughter the best life, filled with music and love."

"Really?" she wiped at the tears that fell from her eyes. "I think you're just saying all that because you have to, you're my dad."

"Nonsense," he said pulling her into a hug."I'm saying it because it's true. Every word. I know I haven't been the best father to you. I let many things go on on unchecked, but I love you so much sweetheart."

Quinn rested her head on her father's shoulder. "I love you too daddy," she whispered.

She felt Russell squeeze her tighter and Quinn melted into his arms.

She could do this, she could survive, no matter what this place, or the world threw at her, she would make it. She had friends, she had her family, and she had herself, and that was all she needed to get back to Beth.

Even if she never had Sam, she would always have the rest, and that finally was starting to feel like enough.