Chapter 4: 20th December
Bella
My parents had sent me two thousand pounds to spend on Christmas presents for myself.
My college had let me stay in my flat until the twenty-first, even though term ended three weeks ago; I didn't have to go back to Wiltshire until tomorrow, and had been able to spend all that time in the lab, getting some really exciting results.
I had been invited to the department's Christmas party back in October, before my lab colleagues even knew I was going to be in Oxford after the end of term; undergraduates weren't usually invited so it was a real honour.
I should, therefore, have been happy as the party drew near, but instead, I was miserable.
Why?
One guess.
The Fox.
I wanted him. God, I wanted him so fucking badly! He was the full package. Good looking, ferociously intelligent, witty, articulate, kind, generous … I could go on, and on, and …
Yet I told myself that I was being completely irrational. He was my professor and my boss.
Off limits.
He was something like twenty years older than I was. He was hotter than George Clooney was, and I was just a mousy, plain Jane—a geeky, lab girl. He never gave me any indication that he considered me in any sort of romantic or sexual way, which, on paper, was a good thing, considering how much trouble professors got into when they were caught having relationships with their students.
Of course, my thoughts about him were romantic, and sexual, very, very sexual, especially since he rescued me from Tyler Crowley and his disgusting advances, and then took care of me when I had a meltdown. I daydreamed about The Fox kissing me relentlessly. I imagined candles and soft music, dancing in his arms, listening to his heartbeat as I rested my head against his chest.
But then my daydream would become dirty.
I would imagine his large hands cupping my breasts, delving under my t-shirt and teasing my throbbing nipples. I devoted entirely too much time thinking about what his tongue would feel like licking and caressing my skin. How amazing it would be if he bent me over a lab bench, pulled down my jeans and impaled me on what I imagined was his thick, hard cock, before riding himself and me into rapture?
I imagined that he would be an exceptionally attentive lover. A man that good looking, with such a spectacular ass and such long fingers, with at least twenty years of sexual experience, must have been around the block a few times and tried some rather dirty stuff.
I wondered if he did dirty stuff with the strawberry blonde, about whom I was still too chicken to ask.
God, how I wanted him to do dirty stuff with me—to me.
The day before the lab Christmas party, I was frustrated beyond belief. I finally caved and phoned my best friend, Emily, to vent. We had been roomies at boarding school, and bonded over our love of Nancy Drew, and a hatred of lacrosse; we had been best friends since the age of ten. She was as determined to succeed as me; she spent all her time working on her business degree and getting experience in her father's chain of hotels. She wanted to earn her place as CEO, rather than gain it through nepotism.
I told her about my stupid crush on The Fox, which wouldn't go away, and what happened in the lab with Tyler.
"Bella, maybe he likes you, too. The way he came to your rescue like that ... How romantic!"
"It was, but I don't think he meant it that way. I mean, how could he? Why would he want the attentions of a dorky, awkward, gangly thing like me?"
"Bella-Bee, don't put yourself down like that! You're gorgeous. How could he not want you?"
"But he's twice my age and older ..."
"And don't men his age wish they could have a nubile, young girlfriend?"
"The Fox isn't like that. He's totally focused on his research."
"I think he's keeping his distance because you've gotten under his skin and he knows it's not allowed ... Look, why don't you have a couple of drinks at the party tomorrow, do a bit of flirting and see if he responds? At least you'd know what you're feeling is reciprocated, regardless of the situation. If it goes down badly, then you can blame the booze."
"Hmm ... maybe ... "
As I put the phone down, I resolved not to follow Emily's advice. I would undoubtedly make a complete idiot of myself, and I didn't want to get either of us in trouble.
The Christmas party was being held in the private room of The Eagle and Child, a pub and restaurant in the heart of Oxford, and a favourite of the professors. I found myself sitting with the doctoral students. The Fox was right at the other end of the table, sandwiched between Jasper's wife, a petite, raven-haired woman, and Prof McCarty's wife, a statuesque, blonde bombshell, and was chatting to both animatedly.
Jealousy raged through me, especially when he put his arm around the shoulder of Emmett's wife as they laughed at some joke, or when he kissed Jasper's wife on the cheek when she passed him the gravy. Most of all, I was jealous at how relaxed he seemed around them. Even though The Fox was friendly towards me, called me 'Bella' and we even shared a joke or two, I wasn't his friend. I was his supervisee, and he treated me as such.
After the meal, we headed to the pub's main drinking area, which was quite busy, and it took me ages to get the barman's attention.
"What'll it be?"
"Pear Kopparberg please," I asked, craving the taste of the fruity, Swedish cider.
"Make it two." The Fox's smooth voice drifted into my ears from behind me.
"Got it."
I turned around.
"It's my favourite," he told me.
"Hi Professor," I said, trying to keep my voice even.
"Hi Bella."
With the bar so busy, he was pressed up against me, one lean leg placed in between mine, the thick denim of his jeans brushing my thigh. Emily's words from our conversation the day before rattled through my mind. Booze. Flirt. He looked so appealing, and even though I'd told myself that I would behave, I was tempted into following my best friend's advice.
"You, uh, look really smart tonight."
'Smart?' God, Bella, you're hopeless at this. He looks fuck-hot in that whole, untucked shirt and blazer combo.
"Thank you, Bella," he replied, giving me a rare, small, smile. "You look especially pretty in your party dress," he added.
I felt my heart thrum in response to his compliment. Especially pretty. Did that mean he always thought I looked pretty?
Momentarily, we turned our attention to the barman, who was taking his own sweet time getting our drinks, before continuing a stilted conversation.
"So, are you having a good night?"
"Yep. You? Enjoy the food?"
"Uh-huh."
"Two Pear Kopparberg Ciders. That's eight pounds."
The Fox looked right into my eyes for just a moment before he stepped away slightly, which made my breath catch in my throat. He fished out his wallet to pay the barman and then, together we walked back into the private room.
"Thank you. You didn't have to pay for my drink …" I started to say as we entered.
"STOP! Stop right there!" Jasper's wife cried as we walked in.
"Alice, what …"
"Look up."
We duly looked up.
Mistletoe. Motherfucking mistletoe.
-cc-
Edward
As usual, December rolled round particularly quickly, and soon, it was time for our department Christmas party. We were holding it in the usual place, The Eagle and Child. To my surprise, Bella stayed behind in Oxford after the end of term for three weeks, and turned up in the lab every day. She was coming to the party, which I was somewhat dreading. She tortured me enough dressed in jeans and a hoodie. How was I going to control myself when she was dressed to the nines?
When I arrived, Bella was already there. She was standing by the dining table with my doctoral students, Randall, Makenna and Charles, chatting away. She looked fucking unbelievable, sexier than words could describe, in a short, burgundy tunic thing that was skin-tight over her high, perky tits, then flaring at her waist, stopping mid-thigh over black tights. Almost every single inch of her skin from neck to toe was covered in clothing, but that only drove my imagination and me insane, wondering what it would be like to unwrap her like a Christmas present.
With a sigh, I took my place between Alice, Jasper's wife, and Rosalie, who was Emmett's wife and Jasper's younger sister. When visiting her brother one weekend, around ten years ago, she met Emmett and moved up from London to be with him just a few months later.
"What's eating you?" Alice asked as I sat down.
Not Bella, that's the problem.
"Nothing, why?"
"You have your sourpuss face on display," she giggled. "Lighten up, dude. It's a party."
Alice was pure sunshine. She taught five year olds for a living; she had a constant stream of energy, so it was a great job for her. She and Jasper were like bunnies; they had five kids, and I'm sure that Alice was itching for more.
"Now Al, it wouldn't be a party if Edward wasn't being grouchy about something," Rosalie said from my other side. "Have a drink or three and lighten up!" Great. Double-teamed.
I looked over at Emmett who was sitting opposite, and he shrugged. Rosalie was a ball-busting divorce lawyer. I don't think Emmett had ever won an argument with her. The only times I'd ever seen her let her guard down was when she had their three boys; they didn't win arguments against her either. She and Alice were two of my closest friends, however, as important to me as Jasper and Emmett.
"I'm good, ladies. I've just been preoccupied by a new theory ..."
"Yawn. Leave the lab talk in the lab, Masen," drawled Rosalie. "How's Tanya? Coming home for Christmas?"
"No, she's going to some town north of Seattle to spend Christmas with Leah and her family."
"I thought the only thing north of Seattle was Canada?" asked Alice.
"Evidently not. Tan's really excited about it. She spent a fucking fortune on presents for the 'in-laws.'"
"Lucky her. It's good she's happy."
It was a good thing, and my best friend deserved it.
The meal was surprisingly tasty for a mass-produced Christmas turkey dinner, although there wasn't enough gravy. I hate that. My friends were on top form; I managed to forget about my sexy tormentor at the other end of the table and actually relax. Rosalie seemed to go out of her way to use her sardonic wit to make me laugh, and I was grateful for the distraction.
After the dessert plates had been cleared, I decided to get a proper drink. I didn't mind wine with meals, but otherwise, I preferred a pint of bitter or a light cider. The latter sounded especially appealing, but when I got to the bar, it was rammed. I finally made it to within touching distance of the bar when I noticed a luscious ass just covered by a short layer of burgundy. I looked up. Bella. Of course. I didn't alert her to my presence straight away, expecting that she would be next to be served, but the idiot barman just seemed to skim her over.
He must be blind, or gay.
I glanced along the line of punters waiting to be served. Most were staring at Bella, some were leering. Fuckers. I just wanted to scoop her up in my arms and protect her from the perverted thoughts that were clearly on their mind. I concluded that the barman must be gay.
Finally, he saw her.
"What'll it be?"
""Pear Kopparberg please," she asked in her soft, slightly breathy voice. Damn it, she really was perfect. I loved Kopparberg cider, too.
"Make it two," I told the barman authoritatively, tapping my jacket pocket to indicate that I was paying for Bella's drink too.
"Got it."
Bella turned around, her big, Bambi eyes wide with surprise.
"It's my favourite," I explained. "Hi, Bella."
"Hi Professor," she murmured, glancing down before looking up again with a blush on her cheeks. I suddenly realised that we were really quite close. My knee rested between hers, and I could feel her body heat. "You, uh, look really smart tonight."
I felt my palms grow damp at her compliment.
"Thank you, Bella. You look especially pretty in your party dress," I replied, and watched as her cheeks coloured even more. She was a modest little thing, completely unaware of her feminine wiles.
"So, are you having a good night?" She made the move to continue the conversation, and I was grateful because I was so awkward at that kind of thing.
"Yep. You? Enjoy the food?"
"Uh-huh."
"Two Pear Kopparberg Ciders. That's eight pounds."
Breaking my gaze from hers reluctantly, I paid the barman, who, judging by how he looked at me, was unquestionably gay, and we headed back to the party. I was trying to find something witty to say, but it was not my strong point. Just as we were about to enter the room, Bella thanked me for the drink and started to protest about me paying for it when Alice yelled,
"STOP! Stop right there!"
"Alice, what…"
"Look up."
My stomach flipped over, and nerves shot through me as I looked at the white berries and leaves suspended from the ceiling by twine.
Mistletoe. Motherfucking mistletoe.
I glanced at Bella. Her cheeks were bright red with embarrassment, and she was staring at the ground. I feel your pain, baby.
"Um … I don't think that's such a good idea …"
"It's tradition!" Alice whined. She was worse than her two-year old when it came to Christmas.
"Just take that stick out of your ass, Edward, and pucker up." Bloody Rosalie decided to add fuel to the fire. She loved to see me squirm.
Bella finally glanced up at me, uncertainty in her eyes, looking to me, her professor, to guide the situation. I took in those soft-looking, pink lips, which I was desperate to feel against mine.
Alice and Rosalie will never let it go if I don't. I'm a grown man. I can control myself. It's a harmless Christmas tradition.
Bella turned towards me very slightly, and I immediately, instinctively submitted.
"Fine!"
I leaned down, and was assaulted with wave after wave of her delicious, strawberry ice-cream smell; with great difficulty, I resisted kissing her lips and went instead for the side of her mouth.
It was mind-blowing. Just that small touch of her skin to my lips made me burn. It took all my might to stop before I ravaged her then and there. As I parted from her, she stepped back, looking like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
"Thanks," she murmured as she moved away from me, her cheeks still an adorable hue of crimson. I watched her go to the table where my doctoral students were sitting, and she didn't look back. My weary heart cracked just a little. I knew she didn't feel anything for me, but there was always that little grain of hope.
Annoyed, frustrated, thoroughly confused, and hard as granite in my pants, I sat back down.
"Satisfied, ladies? God, how embarrassing," I declared.
"I bet she enjoyed it," remarked Rosalie. "Besides, mistletoe's just part of the Christmas fun, everyone knows that!"
"She was mortified. Wouldn't you be if you were kissed by your boss, who's old enough to be her dad?"
Rosalie shrugged. I turned to Alice, who was eyeing me curiously and quietly.
"What?"
She paused before replying.
"Nothing. Nothing ... so what time can we expect you on Christmas Day?" she asked, clearly changing the subject. I was grateful. "You can stay over if you like. Ryan spends most nights in with us anyway, so you could have his room," she added, referring to their two-year old, youngest child.
"That's okay, I'm too much of a grouch in the morning to be around little ones. I'll rock up at say, midday?"
"Cool," she replied, before launching into a minute-by-minute schedule for the day.
We continued chatting about holiday plans and presents and the like. Occasionally I glanced towards the students. Bella seemed to have put any discomfort from the mistletoe incident aside, and was laughing at the other students' jokes and showing them things on her phone. I was envious that they had her easy friendship and her smiles. But at least I had the knowledge of how her skin felt against mine, like the purest silk. It was a tiny something that I would be taking home and replaying in my mind, over and over and over again.
-cc-
Bella
I stopped and looked up at The Fox.
He lowered his face to mine.
Warm, cider-scented breath briefly washed over me before his sexy lips caressed the skin to one side of my mouth.
I never felt such a rush before. My head spun. My heart beat wildly. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end. Just from that tiny, light touch.
Too soon it was over.
I barely let myself look at him for the rest of the evening. I tried not to let myself think about it, but the moment was on continuous replay in my head. I tried to distract myself by showing the doctoral students my collection of clips of funny animal antics on YouTube, and laughing at their various stories. It didn't really work.
"Which way are you walking, Bella?" Randall asked me as we donned hats and coats to go home at the end of the evening.
"North. You?"
"We're all walking south I'm afraid."
"That's fine. It's not far."
"I'll walk you back, Bella," The Fox said, appearing from out of nowhere. He picked up his thick, grey, duffel coat. I watched the muscles in his strong back flex as he put it on, and my mouth watered a little.
"That's all right, Professor. I wouldn't want to inconvenience you."
"No bother. I'm heading north myself," he replied. "I know Oxford's not exactly the ghetto, but there are a lot of drunkards out there tonight. I'd feel better knowing you got home safely."
"All right then."
We didn't talk much on the walk back, just about the latest round of results and some of the statistical analyses we needed to do after Christmas. Finally, we reached the gates of my residence. It was deserted. Nearly everyone had already gone home for the holidays.
"I'm glad you came to the party Bella," he murmured.
"You are?"
"I am. You're a great asset to the department and to my team, Bella. I'll admit that I was reluctant to have an undergrad to supervise at the start of term, but I've never been happier to be wrong."
"Really?" I squeaked.
"Really," he replied sincerely. Wow, there goes my ability to breathe. "Anyway, it's bloody freezing out here, so I'd best let you go." No, please don't. "Good night Bella, and Merry Christmas."
Suddenly, his lips were against my cheek again and his arm wrapped round my torso in a half-hug. With alcohol in my blood propelling my lust, I lost all control.
I grabbed the lapels of his coat, turned my face, and met his lips with my own. He froze, but then his other arm wrapped around me and he held me to his chest, the whisper-soft, warm touch of our lips turning into the deep, passionate kiss I so desperately craved. I snaked my hands up and around his neck, moaning as my fingers met the hair at the nape of his neck. It was as luscious as I imagined. When I carded my fingers into his mane, I found myself turned and pressed against a nearby brick wall, and his tongue probed past my lips before dancing with mine. I hitched my leg up; he caught it and ran his hand up and down it as I wrapped it across his thighs.
"Get a room!" A distant drunken cry broke our union, and he let go of me like a hot potato, breathing heavily.
"Fuck," he mumbled under his breath.
"Fuck." I repeated.
He backed away, eyes wide, hair in complete disarray.
"Um, uh … Merry Christmas Bella, see you next term." He said before running, yes, fucking running, away into the night.
I had never felt more alone than in that moment.
-cc-
Edward
My protective instincts kicked in when I overheard that Bella was heading home alone, on foot, and despite my better judgement, I walked her home. Bella instigated a conversation about our work, which continued until we reached her college gates. We both did the awkward departure weight-shifting thing for a moment before I decided to say,
"I'm glad you came to the party Bella."
"You are?" she looked surprised.
"I am. You're a great asset to the department and to my team, Bella. I'll admit that I was reluctant to have an undergrad to supervise at the start of term, but I've never been happier to be wrong."
Even if you torture me daily with your sexy body and your sexier mind.
"Really?"
She seemed incredulous. How could she not know her own wondrousness?
It had taken five years, but finally, our lab's research project was making progress. The results of our research trials finally supported the hypothesis that John Gerandy and I had put forward—that the neurotransmitter glutamate was heavily involved in neuronal cell death, when the brain was deprived of oxygen.
Bella was one of the reasons we were going great guns. Along with my dedicated, doctoral students, she worked her socks off, both in the lab and in the library. Our team and departmental research meetings were hugely productive, and I was so proud to have them all in my labs.
Bella had well and truly become part of the team, and the whole department loved her, including me.
That's right. Edward Cullen, lab dork of the highest order and confirmed bachelor, wasunconditionally and irrevocably head over heels in love. It was hopeless. The girl owned me, even though she'd never know.
"Really," I echoed. "Anyway, it's bloody freezing out here, so I'd best let you go. Good night Bella."
She looked so adorable that I couldn't stop myself from kissing her peachy, cool cheek again, telling myself that it was okay because it was Christmas. This time, my arm found her waist as I leaned into her.
Out of the blue, before I could even blink, her pouty pink lips were pressed against mine. It was utter, fucking heaven. It took me a moment to absorb that she had kissed me before I enclosed her in my embrace and pulled her closer to continue our kiss. I could feel myself trembling with want for her; it was mind-blowingly intense. I had never felt anything like the depth of lust, love and admiration I felt for Bella.
Her arms had made their way up my chest and around my neck, and when her delicate fingers caressed the hair at the back of my neck, I nearly lost it, and when she actually tugged my unruly strands, I did. Desire completely overwhelmed me, and a convenient, high brick wall helped me out; I moved us over and gently pushed her against it so that I could further explore her mouth, and her body. She responded by lifting up her right leg, her foot stroking the back of my thigh. I let go of her hip and brought my hand to her long limb, feeling the soft material and instinctively knowing that the skin underneath would feel even better.
"Get a room!"
Three little words from a drunken, passer-by brought me crashing down to Earth with a bump as I let go of her immediately.
"Fuck."
"Fuck," she replied.
I had to get out of there. Suddenly I was acutely aware that I had just been groping my undergrad in public in front of her college. If anyone saw ... I couldn't even think about how dangerous a situation it was for both our careers.
"Um, uh … Merry Christmas Bella, see you next term," I told her before leaving as fast as I could, my heart breaking all the way. Now that I knew how she felt in my arms and against my lips, it was even more painful to have to bear the knowledge that I couldn't have her.
-cc-
I didn't sleep that night. In fact, I didn't sleep for the next, several nights.
On the Monday morning after the party, I crawled into work at seven am, had several coffees and three bars of chocolate before emailing Doug Banner about a decision I'd made over my insomnia-filled weekend.
I knew that when it came to marking Bella's dissertation, I would give her full marks. She would deserve them, but I would be giving them to her because of my feelings for her rather than for the high quality of her work.
I suggested to Doug Banner in my email, that because Bella was a paid researcher on my team, it would be better if I didn't mark her work when she submitted her thesis in May. It was a conflict of interest; I couldn't be seen to be an impartial assessor of her academic portfolio when I was paying her and her research so strongly supported my hypothesis.
Doug emailed me back that afternoon, agreeing to my suggestion that Jasper and Emmett grade Bella's dissertation instead, thus getting me off the hook without me having to reveal the real reason why I couldn't be objective.
When I returned to my apartment that evening, I took a sleeping pill and finally got the sleep I needed.
But no pill would fix the hole in my lonely, aching heart.
-cc-
*Glutamate: A very important neurotransmitter which is involved in learning and memory. The hypothesis Edward describes- that glutamate affects brain cells when they are deprived of oxygen- is now widely accepted as being true. It also plays a role in several other brain disorders such as Alzheimer's Disease.
Thank you for reading.