Chapter 32: I'm Wide Awake
Elena
"We'll of course leave the questions up to you because after all you are the one who's best acquainted with the subject matter. You already started this with your clever Salvatore article from last spring. But we expect you to include some essential topics, most importantly the Katherine Pierce story, the sudden disappearance of them both, the sudden reappearance…"
"No!"
"I beg your pardon?"
"I said, no. I won't do it."
Her boss' whole demeanor suddenly changed from the pleasant and polite to the complete opposite. He got op from his seat and strode around the desk to stand right in front of her. He leaned uncomfortably close, forcing her to push herself as far back as her seat allowed her.
"Listen to me, little girl. Why do you think you were hired to work for The Hour? Do you think that you're the only one who applied? Hell, there was not even a job open. I created a new position just to get my hands on the girl that managed to grab the attention of New York's most elusive but for some reason highly obsessed over celebrity. Do you think you're special? Do you think that perhaps you have something that no other girl has? I can assure you that you're not and you don't. It's just a phase that'll be over before you remember to blink and you'll find yourself back in that trash magazine, writing the same crap about the same people who'll forget about your existence the moment your famous boyfriend tires of you. You want to make something of your time here, maybe get cleaned up and do something for yourself? Then you have to play the game. You only have this one opportunity to turn your life around so now I want you to go home and think really hard about what I've said. I'm sure you'll end up making the right decision."
He stopped talking and moved away from her and back to his seat behind the desk, resuming the same position he had before. "That'll be all, Miss Gilbert," he said without even looking at her as he grabbed a marker and started reading through some documents on his desk.
That was how Elena walked out of Mr. Michaelson's office, completely dazed. She did not say a word as she reached for the door handle. Just before she shut the door behind her, he called her name.
"Miss Gilbert."
Her eyes turned to him automatically but he did not even lift his eyes to look at her.
"You have 24 hours."
Xxx
Elena dropped her purse on the floor just as she stepped out of the elevator. She walked robotically to the living room and fell onto the couch. She figured that she was still in shock because she had this weird, uncomfortable tingling sensation like when an arm or a leg fell asleep but this was in her whole body.
She was supposed to be angry because her boss just admitted that he only hired her for her association with Damon. Come to think about it, she remembered that she had gotten the call from his assistant right after the pictures of their kiss appeared all over the internet. How convenient.
She was supposed to be panicking because she gave up on a job she had actually earned in favor of this supposedly better one only to end up being blackmailed to exploit someone she cared about. Because she cared about Damon but he would not even talk to her in private about his past, not even his brother knew the whole story. He would never agree to tell everyone and their cousin about his most painful memories and she was never going to ask him to. Trying to forget those memories almost killed him.
She felt none of those things, though. She felt detached like this was not even happening to her but to someone else and she was just a passive observer.
She saw a girl from Brooklyn sitting in a living room that was twice the size of the apartment that she shared with her two friends. She looked out of place, too small for the mammoth room.
Maybe it was time to ask herself those questions, she was trying to ignore all this time. Was this really how she wanted to live her life? Today was just another example of what she would have to face on a regular basis because of her relationship with Damon. But was it worth it? Was it worth fighting for? Was it worth giving up her privacy for?
She did not get to finish her thought because right then Damon called her name from the entryway.
"In here!" She shouted and moments later, he stepped into the living room.
"Hey," he said and she lost her breath for a second at the sight of him.
He walked purposefully to where she was, braced his arms on the backrest on each side of her head and captured her lips. He kissed her like he was starving for her even though they were just together this morning.
She was not a single bit better as she linked her arms around his neck and pulled him closer.
"Hey," she replied when he pulled away.
"What were you doing?" He asked as he dropped into the couch next to her and stretched his arm on the backrest behind her.
Well, she was contemplating whether he was worth it, which sounded awful now that she thought about it and she was definitely not going to tell him about that or the fact that her new job was a scam. It was basically just a dirty attempt to pry into his private life.
"Thinking about you," she finally said which was true.
"Yeah?" Of course his mind jumped to what she had expected and his voice dropped an octave automatically.
"Yep." She popped the 'p' which worked like a charm as his eyes dropped to her lips. He wet his own but stayed where he was.
Aha, he wanted her to work for it. It was not the first time he played that game. She had done it once or twice too.
"What was I doing?" He asked finally managing to look her in the eyes.
The weight of his gaze always took her by surprise in its intensity. He stole the air right out of her lungs.
She only managed a whisper. "You were sitting right here." She let her hand graze his knee and moved it ever so slowly along his thigh as she continued. "And I was sitting right here…" She threaded the fingers of her other hand though his hair and put her lips right next to his ear. "My mouth was doing this…" She pressed a kiss to the skin right underneath his ear. "… and this..." She kissed her way to his beautifully sculpted jaw. "…and this," she whispered against his lips right before she kissed them ever so softly.
She pulled away and peered at him from underneath her lashes. For her efforts, she got a deep growl out of him and the next moment, she found herself on her back. He attacked her lips with a hunger, only matched by her own. It scared her how much control her desire had over her.
Her body moved on its own. It reacted to his touch like he was a musician and she was his instrument. His lips moved along her neck, leaving a trail of kisses down to the upper part of her chest where his hands were hard at work on the buttons of her shirt.
She was drunk on all the sensations and she was desperate for more. Her hips rolled underneath him to get her what she craved but she only wanted more.
She decided to put her hands to use and move things along. She put them to work on his belt. She opened the buckle and moved to the button when his hand on her wrist stopped her.
She realized that he had stopped his work on her shirt and was frozen midair. He avoided her questioning gaze as he pulled himself upright. He let go of her wrist and she held it against her chest like he had burned it.
A long moment of awkward silence stretched between them reminding her of exactly how much space still separated them.
She was the one who broke the silence.
"I'm staying in Brooklyn tonight. Don't wait up."
She left the room in a hurry to avoid any more awkwardness and to free him from having to try and stop her. She needed to be away for tonight. She had to get her thoughts in order and find out what her priorities were and she could not do that with him around.
Xxx
He did not stop her when she left and she was not quite certain if she was relieved or disappointed.
But she had needed to see her friends, to feel normal and herself in her own room with her books, her cheap furniture, her bed…
She already felt calmer now sitting in the living room with a steaming mug of tea. Bonnie left a while ago for her night shift and Stefan was on a short business trip which left Caroline in a subdued kind of mood. That was why they were sprawled on the couch with each her mug watching trashy reality TV which thankfully did not require any brain activity.
She stared at the screen where two women fought over something about a designer bag. She did not really pay attention to the rest.
Do you think you're special?
No, she was just another girl trying to make a career out of writing. She dreamt of doing something for the world, helping people by using her passion, her only talent.
Do you think that perhaps you have something that no other girl has?
No, there were millions of other girls, more talented, more beautiful, more everything.
It's just a phase that'll be over before you remember to blink and you'll find yourself back in that trash magazine, writing the same crap about the same people who'll forget about your existence the moment your famous boyfriend tires of you.
The moment your famous boyfriend tires of you.
The moment your famous boyfriend tires of you.
Oh God, her throat constricted on itself, cutting off her airways. What if she was throwing herself into a relationship that was doomed to fail?
Before all this happened, she had a job and she was on her way to making a career for herself. Things were moving slow, sure, but she was on the right path. Maybe she got way ahead of herself when she thought she could get a better job this fast on her own.
Now she had the job but it was not really hers. She only had it because someone thought she slept with a famous guy. Well, she did not and even if she did, she was not going to betray his trust. She was not going to use him.
This only meant one thing. She had to resign but even if she tried to apply for a new job, the same thing might happen again. She would get hired because of her relationship with Damon and it did not matter whether they wanted her to write an exposé or not. She would still have something that she did not actually earn and she could not live with that.
That left her with only two choices. She could give up on her career; find a new job, maybe as a bartender or a waitress or whatever. She would give up on one dream but she had more. She would have more time for her yoga and her charity work. She would be able to help her aunt more at Sommer's home for children.
The other choice was the more obvious one. The one she would have chosen if it were just a year ago. She could give up on her relationship with Damon. They had not even slept together yet. He still had not opened up to her about anything. She would not be afraid to break his heart because they were not that deep into a relationship yet. She would however break her own heart because when all was said and done, she could not mistake the churning in her chest at the mere thought of giving up.
"Elena, what's wrong?"
She was startled out of her thoughts to realize that she was crying. Caroline was looking at her with concern shining through her eyes. Maybe she needed to tell somebody about her predicament. Maybe Caroline understood her situation because, after all, she was dating a Salvatore too and maybe Stefan was not as hounded by the media as Damon but Caroline got her fair share of scrutiny too.
"Michaelson wants me to interview Damon." Caroline gasped in disbelief but stayed silent. "He wants me to ask about Katherine and the years when they disappeared. He basically threatened me with my job."
"Oh my God," she burst out disbelievingly.
"Caroline, He does not even talk to me about those things. He spent a whole year trying to push those painful memories away. How am I supposed to make him talk to me about them just so I can put his private life up for public scrutiny? I would never do that," she lost control of her voice and a sob slipped through her lips unwittingly.
"Shh, I know you wouldn't." Caroline moved to sit beside her and pulled her into her arms.
"I'm gonna have to resign, Care," she said when she regained control over her voice chords.
"Yes, you are but listen to me. You can have another job just like that." She snapped her fingers. "You're really good at what you do and everyone with two eyes and a brain can figure that out. The fact that your horrible boss didn't is his own loss."
Elena shook her head. "No, Care. If I apply for a new job now, who's to say that they don't hire me because of my relationship with Damon?"
"Well… wait what are you getting at?"
"I have to choose between Damon and my career." She was quiet for a second. "What do you want most?"
"I want both."
She wanted to realize her dream. She wanted to make her mom proud and never give up on her ambitions. She also wanted to see where this thing with Damon was headed. She wanted to explore those intense desires and feelings that she never knew she had before she met him.
Those last two months with him, she felt like she was flying on clouds. Being with him inspired her. Their conversations motivated her. He brought out something in her that she never thought she had. He brought out the daring, adventurous side of her. With him she felt like she could cure cancer, end world hunger and find world peace.
"I have an idea," Caroline burst out.
"What?"
"Freelance."
"Huh?" Elena felt like a big question mark.
"You could do freelance. You know, write a great article and then find someone who wants to publish it. Or even better, start a blog and write about whatever you like. With your talent I'm sure it'll pick up fast."
"You mean with my recent popularity."
"So what if you use some of the attention you're getting to your advantage? You're already doing it with your tweets about the HIH so why not write more than 140 characters? The important thing is that no-one has any hold over you. You can write whatever you like and you do not have to betray anyone to keep your job."
It certainly sounded appealing, literally the perfect job she could think of apart from one thing. It was not actually a job. She was not going to get paid.
"What about money. How am I supposed to live without a salary?"
"You still have some money from when you sold your old house. You could use it to get by until this thing picks up and you can start making money out if it."
She thought about it for a second. She did have some savings left from her parent's old house. She could make do until she found a new source of income. Having her own blog meant total freedom but it also meant a bigger work load because it was just her and she had to keep things moving. It might not be the way she had envisioned her life and her dream job but she could make it work. Who knew, maybe it would end up being better than she had imagined.
"Caroline, you're a genius. I could actually kiss you right now."
Caroline laughed. "Why don't you give me a hug instead and save the kissing for your boyfriend?"
"Sure." Elena gave her a hug but this time her tears made way for a smile and a renewed faith in herself.
Xxx
She was sitting by the island in Damon's spotless kitchen trying to figure out how to start her new "job". This morning she woke up in Brooklyn with a new determination to get her life back to where she wanted it. First she dropped by The Hour and handed in her resignation to a dumbfounded but slightly annoyed Klaus Michaelson. Then she got back to Damon's place to clear up the air after what happened yesterday.
She had felt insecure about herself and about them so she had pushed too hard. She pulled his every string and pressed his every button to make him sleep with her. She was disgusted with her actions. He obviously had a good reason for wanting to wait or he would not have fought himself so hard.
She knew from the beginning that she had to be patient. She promised him that she would be but yesterday she acted selfish and immature and she needed to apologize for it. When she got to the apartment though, he was already gone probably to Ric's or to the foundation. He was recently getting more involved with the management part of the HIH and he was spending more and more time with Ric at the headquarters.
She decided to spend the time waiting for him doing her research on this blogging-thing she was going to attempt.
She heard the ding from the elevator and thought it might have been Damon but he did not call her name like he usually did when he got home. He knew she was home because she had already texted him and told him she was. She looked at the time on her laptop and realized it was too early for him to be home yet anyway.
She walked out to the living room right when the person immerged from the hallway. It was a man probably in his early sixties with brown hair and green eyes. He kind of reminded her of Stefan and then it landed on her. This was Giuseppe Salvatore, Stefan and Damon's dad.
"Miss Gilbert, I take it?" He asked once he had seen her approaching.
"Yes and you must be Mr. Salvatore," she said and reached out her hand in greeting.
He regarded her with a stony expression then he looked at her outstretched hand for a second too long before he reached out and shook it hastily.
"I think it's about time you and I had a little chat," he declared.
Xxx
They were sitting in the living room facing each other. Elena was a little intimidated by the man in front of her. He had helped himself to some scotch from the bar before he took a seat on the new couch. So that was where Damon had his day drinking habit from, she thought.
That was about ten minutes ago. Since then he had kept looking at her strangely and from time to time taking small sips from his drink.
She could not take the silence anymore.
"Are you going to offer me money in exchange for breaking up with your son like they do in the movies?" She had no idea where she got that boldness but he had demonstrated perfectly what he thought about her with his cold greeting so she figured that he could not dislike her more.
"Would it work?" He did not even bat an eye.
"No."
"Then I won't."
"Good."
He returned to his strange stares like he was trying to read her by looking at her and she could not help but feel exposed. He must have been getting something from those stares or he would not keep doing it. Then again maybe he just liked to make her feel uncomfortable. If that was the case then he had succeeded. She wanted to get the hell out of there or to have someone come save her but she knew that she was on her own. He must have planned that visit very carefully.
"With all due respect sir but did you want to talk? I need to get back to work."
"What work? I was under the impression that you resigned from your job at the Hour, Miss Gilbert."
"I did… wait how do you know that? I just handed in my resignation a couple of hours ago."
The corners of his mouth lifted in what was supposed to be a smile but it never quite got there.
"Miss Gilbert, I know a lot more than you think," he said and something bothered her in that statement. Something just outside of her grasp wanted her attention. She just could not get a hold of it.
"I thought giving you a chance to make something for your future would wake you up to make you seize the opportunity. I read your articles and I thought you were smart but it appears that you are just like any other attention-seeking girl out there."
That was when it downed on her.
"Wait a minute. You were behind the Hour-thing?!" She could not hold back her shock. She would not have believed it if it were not for his own admission. "I might have given Michaelson the idea but he obviously failed," he said and emptied his glass.
"Why would you want to have your son's secrets all over the media? It doesn't make any sense."
"You see, it was not really about you writing the article as much as it was about you trying to ask my son about his past."
Of course! "You wanted me to ask him so he would either break up with me for asking or do it when he realized that I exposed his deepest secrets to the world. It was a win, win for you. Wasn't it? Did you ever think about Damon when you were planning all of this?"
"I can assure you, Miss Gilbert that everything I did was for my son."
"Oh, so it was not for your own benefit then? You know, because you felt embarrassed that your son was dating a girl from Brooklyn, and there were pictures of them driving a van and handing out meals to the homeless."
"Before you get too defensive of my son, you might want to know the whole truth. I know everything about him and I do what I can to protect him, sometimes even from himself. You should ask yourself, what do you really know about my son?"
"I know enough?" She sounded defensive. She knew it and he knew it. The truth was that she still did not know the part of the iceberg that was submerged in the water, the biggest part.
"Really?" He smiled that non-smile again and a chill ran down her spine. "The fact is, Miss Gilbert, that you don't know anything about him. Think about it, what has my son told you about his past? What did he tell about his failed relationship? Did he tell you how it ended? Did he happen to mention his son?" he held a short pause for maximum impact. "Judging by your expression and inability to form a clever comeback, I can tell that you just realized exactly how much you don't know. Now I leave you with my last and most important question. Can you live with the not knowing?"
AN: Thank you very much for each and every review and alert. I know there is not much Damon in this chapter put Elena had to go through this journey to get to where she needed to be. There should be more Damon in the next one.
Love,
Mydarkside975