Chapter 40

(Quinn)

8:05 PM

He looked good, thinner than she remembered, but not skeletal as he was in the hospital, he felt solid in her arms. He was still Sam, full lips and all. It almost felt like no time had passed, as if it was just the other day she had seen him. Comfortable - that was what he was. Instantly comfortable and warm, he was the same man she trusted and cared about. Feeling at ease helped her nerves, allowed her to feel more confident in facing the conversations she knew were coming, about Beth, about her health, about the past. Then he had looked up at her, squeezing her hand, and all that comfort melted away, her heart raced and her head felt a bit muddled as she stared back into his green eyes. This wasn't the same Sam at all, something had changed. She had changed.

Before the accident, at the Beacon, Sam had been there for her, a companion in the pain. Friendship was all that was on his mind, and on hers too, for the most part. There was always this part of her that never could completely label him as 'just a friend', that attraction, that spark between them prevented her from completely blocking out the fact that one kiss from him would always have the power to make her knees buckle just a bit, but Sam didn't seem to have the same affliction, not then at least, for the first time in the course of their relationship, Sam didn't seem to feel a spark. He didn't seem tempted by their past, he wasn't pulled by their intimate history, he was completely engaged elsewhere, with another woman. And it hurt, to finally be alone in their attraction, something Quinn had thought would always be there, she counted on it always remaining. It gave her peace somehow, to know that there was at least one man in the world that would always make her smile brighter and her pulse pound. No matter who else, it would always be them.

At first she had thought it was still there, a gaze held too long, a touch turned into a caress, and all those memories about their relationship, about the sex, bandied about like small talk, their nights at the Beacon were filled with intimacy. So Quinn assumed, he was feeling it, just as she was. He wasn't. He couldn't have been. Too many times he pulled away, looked past her searching for someone else, probably wishing she were Mercedes, so many sighs, never allowing himself to fully remain in the moment, with her. It was all gone, faded away finally, by another woman that had replaced her in his heart. Not that he had ever said anything to confirm this, Quinn was basing it all on her observations of him during that time. She didn't have solid proof. Although there was that once, when they were wrapped in each others arms, she tried to ease the tension in his body and the torment in his mind, that things had taken a turn, when it almost seemed like he was finally seeing her, feeling her again. They were so close, his breathing had accelerated, his eyes fluttered shut, and Quinn just knew, he was going to kiss her. Instead he backed away, forced a smile, and exited the room, leaving her chilled by the loss.

"Quinn are you going to answer my question?" asked Dr. Kalina Hill tapping on the table lightly to get Quinn's attention.

"Huh?" Quinn tried to regain her focus. She had been so wrapped up in her thoughts about Sam that she had tuned her doctor out. "I'm sorry Dr. Hill. I wasn't listening. Can you repeat what you said?"

"What's it like seeing Sam again after all this time?"

"Oh, wow, yeah, it's great. It's good to see him looking so much better. Last I saw him he was…" she bowed her head unable to say the words.

"Must have been difficult seeing him in a coma."

"Almost didn't seem like the real him. Sam is so full of life."

Dr. Hill smiled. "Yes I have noticed. He practically dragged me by the hand to come see you up here tonight."

Quinn wondered how Sam had gotten on such comfortable terms with Dr. Hill. He even called her by her first name. "So you hadn't planned on coming?"

"It was an unexpected trip, but I am glad I made it. I need to know if you are all right. This could be overwhelming," said Kali pulling her pink notebook out of her leather tote bag that was on the seat next to her.

Quinn tried to downplay her excitement so Dr. Hill wouldn't press. The truth was, Sam being so close, in the building, had her all bubbly. She still couldn't believe he was actually here.

"It's only Sam. I've known him forever."

"Not like this though. You now share a child. Did you discuss any of that with him yet?"

"A little bit." Quinn smiled as she looked down at the photo of Sam and Beth on the table. "He's so happy. I was relieved."

"Did you still have some doubts about how he would handle the news?" asked Kali, her pen poised above the page.

"Kind of a big thing to spring on someone."

It could have gone either way, a baby complicated Sam's life, well it would have if he had remembered his recent life. In a small way, the amnesia had made it easier, Sam could just accept Beth without all the guilt, the guilt Quinn lived with daily.

"Big, but wonderful."

"You know what? You're right. I probably was being nervous for no reason."

"Could it be that you might have other reasons to feel nervous?"

"He has forgotten so much. I'm not sure what he knows and what he doesn't know."

"Sam doesn't know much yet. You'd have to fill him in on anything pertaining to the two of you. I'm sure he has many questions. Are you up for that?" Kali tucked the hair behind her ears as she waited for Quinn's response.

"Honestly? No. A part of me wants to just forget the past three years right along with him. I made so many mistakes."

If she could rewind the clock she'd change so much. She'd think before acting, verify before making conclusions. She'd have gotten help from the start for her postpartum depression, instead of letting it escalate.

"Denial doesn't erase the past. All any of us can do is just learn our lessons and move forward."

"I know, and that's what I am trying to do. I can't help but be a little jealous of Sam though, must be nice to just have a clean slate. He gets to start from scratch."

Good things happened during those years as well, she couldn't forget that. There were good times with Puck, and even a few with Mike. She and Sam had taken their friendship to another level, and it had felt so good to be that close. It might have been short lived, but Quinn never wanted it erased. Then the night they conceived Beth, so much wrong, ended up creating a wonderful right. She didn't want to lose that night, that memory either.

"So do you. Each new day is a chance to make things better for yourself, to make positive choices in your life. Don't let the past hold you back Quinn. And Sam, well I don't think he would agree with you that having a clean slate was a good thing. Our past actions shape us, help form who we are. He doesn't have the memories to support the choices he has made in his life. When he finds out what happened in those missing years, he is not going to understand them fully. That can make a person easily feel lost, adrift in his own mind."

"I know what that feels like, to be lost in my own mind. I don't want that for him."

"Hopefully all of his friends and family will help make the necessary connections with those memories. Not just throw facts at him, but help him discover the reasons why things happened as they did. He's going to be looking to you for that more than anyone."

Quinn looked up in surprise. "Why me?"

"You are the one he remembers most, the one he trusts. Right now you have exalted status in his mind. That's why I need to know if you are up to this, to seeing him, and talking to him more. I don't want you to overdo it."

"It's not like I have a choice. He's always been there for me. I'm not going to flake out him when he needs me." Quinn was determined to be the type of friend he deserved, the kind he had always been.

"You have a right to be selfish if you need to be. You have your own health to consider. I need to know if you feel ready for this, because if you're not, I'll send him away until you are."

"No, don't do that. I don't want him to go."

Sam had just gotten there, it was way too soon. She had so much more she wanted to say to him and mostly she just wanted to be near him, to hear his voice, to look into his eyes, to just drink in everything Sam.

"Sam is going to have questions about your case, about what brought you here. As of now he has been advised to avoid the Internet and TV, so he doesn't know all the attention that has surrounded you these months."

"He knows about the river and my postpartum depression."

He had changed the subject when she brought it up earlier, looking uncomfortable with the topic. She had been fine with letting it drop. She didn't look forward to the time she'd have to explain that to him at all.

"That's not the whole story though, is it?"

"No. I know I need to tell him all of it."

She wished he never had to know how truly pathetic she had become, so weak and out of control. That was not the person she wanted to be with him, but she couldn't hide from the truth. She needed to own her actions.

"Might be easier for him to handle if he hears it from you. Unless you want me to talk to him…"

"No, I will do it. I need to tell him the truth." Soon, she'd tell him everything.

"That's good Quinn." Kali nodded her head, smiling as she quickly wrote her notes. "I'm so glad to hear you want to face things, head on. This is very positive."

"It feels right." Quinn paused, suddenly feeling overheated in her white sweat suit. "Dr. Hill I have something to confess. I haven't been completely honest with you. I've been holding back in our sessions."

"What have you been holding back?"

"My feelings. Lately I've been having feelings about Sam." She had said it. No more pulling it back from the tip of her tongue. It was out.

"We've talked about Sam before, his place in your life, your friendship, the fact you share a child."

"I know but this is different. I've been having non friendly feelings about him."

"Non friendly?" she asked putting down her pen and folding her hands in front of her on the table.

"Romantic. And when I saw him today I knew they were real, not just something I made up in my head."

"Oh Quinn, we need to talk more about this." Kali didn't look pleased. She picked up her pen and started writing at a furious pace. "Sam needs to go and we need to reschedule. We need to figure where this is coming from, loneliness, codependence, attachment because of your child…"

"Or maybe it is just coming from my heart." Quinn said interrupting her. She didn't need a psychiatrist to confirm this for her. She knew she loved him.

"Yes that certainly is an option, but you can understand my concern about this can't you?"

"Not really," said Quinn frowning. "What's wrong with caring about my baby's father?"

"Nothing at all. I am concerned that perhaps you see something wrong with it."

"Why would I think having feelings for Sam is wrong? He's an amazing man, sweet, understanding, supportive, loyal, brave…." Sam popped into her mind, that lopsided smile gracing his face. "Why would I have a problem falling for someone like that?"

"Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?"

"Well I wasn't sure. I just figured it out for myself and I didn't think you would understand."

"What did you think I wouldn't understand? I see the positive traits in Sam."

"Yeah but, Sam is…" She started to squirm under Kali's intense stare. "You know."

"Why don't you tell me what Sam is."

"Well he's not exactly free…" She took a deep breath. "He's married."

"And that upsets you?"

She felt like she was being judged, she could see Dr. Hill calling her a whore in her mind. She had tried so hard to get over it, to ignore the feelings that had been growing inside her. Quinn constantly reminded herself that he was married, that he loved his wife, but nothing changed. Quinn still felt the same. She still wished she were the one he wanted instead.

"Not really, I thought you might think it was wrong, but it doesn't bother me."

"You're crying."

Quinn touched her cheek, surprised to find the wetness of tears. She hadn't realized she had been crying.

She hastily wiped her face, using her sleeve to remove all evidence of her emotional display. "I'm not really. Just an intense day. Hormones you know."

"Quinn…" Kali said gently, handing her a tissue.

"I didn't want you to think I was a terrible person." Quinn sniffled as she dabbed at her eyes. "I know having feelings for a married man is a bad idea, but he doesn't even remember his wife, and I've known him forever."

There were no decent excuses to be made, what she felt for Sam was wrong. His amnesia made it easier to pretend, but deep down she never could forget that Sam's heart belonged to another woman. He may not remember her for now, but that could change at any time.

"I'm not going to judge you for how you feel. So these feelings, did they just begin when Sam came out of the coma?"

"Not exactly. They've been building for awhile."

"Since you found out he was Beth's father?"

"Longer than that. I've always cared about him, since high school. Things changed last year, after all the drama came out about us sleeping together, he was good to me, we got close."

Quinn still could remember that first night at the Beacon Hotel when she had knocked on his door, sad and scared with no place to go. She had twenty dollars to her name, her belongings stuffed in plastic bags after Puck and Julian tossed them in the street. She knew Sam would be in his suite, probably sitting in the dark, drinking. And he was. He answered the door with his shirt half unbuttoned, shadow of stubble on his face, reeking of scotch. He took one look at her and pulled her into his room, shutting the door with his foot. Sam had held her all night, letting her cry in his arms, soaking his shirt. He never said a word, just took periodic swigs straight from his bottle of scotch. The next day he got her a room next to his and they vowed to see each other through the storm.

"And that's when deeper feelings started to develop?"

"Yes, at least for me. Sam I don't think he was feeling the same."

"Because he was married?" Kali asked.

"I think so." Sam was so distraught over Mercedes, consumed by his guilt, he didn't have room to feel much else.

"It is perfectly understandable for your feelings for Sam to intensify in such a stressful situation. You relied on him during your breakup with your fiancé, and then he was in a terrible accident, all of those factors just compounded things. Did you ever act on those feelings before his accident? Or tell him how you felt?"

"No I could never do that back then. He was so wrapped up in trying to get his wife back. I would have just made things worse."

She couldn't take that away from him, the hope he was clinging to that Mercedes would come back to him. All she could do was support him, not offer herself up as a consolation prize.

"And what about now? Do you plan on telling him how you're feeling?"

"Ever feel like the universe is trying to tell you something? It is like all around me I see signs, and they all point to the same place, to Sam. We've both been through so much, and survived. That has to mean something."

Quinn didn't think she could hold back much longer. He came back, holding onto her, and she felt something powerful. Maybe they were supposed to be together, and that was their wake up call. How could she ignore it?

"You survived on your own, Sam wasn't here holding your hand. You battled your depression and committed yourself to treatment, for Beth. Remember last session, you told me you wanted to focus on getting your life on track and creating a good home for your daughter?"

"Yes I do. I still want to do that." Nothing changed there. She still wanted to stay strong for Beth, and get her back

"I'm glad to hear it. I would hate for you to lose sight of your goals, because Sam is back in your life. It can be easy to let someone else take over when things get too hard."

"My feelings for Sam don't change what I want for Beth, but what's wrong with us working together to create that life for her?" Didn't her baby deserve the best life? She and Sam could give her that together, a real family.

"Two parents raising a child can be a good thing. Ideally, every child should have that, but good homes can also be created in separate households. There are so many ways to make up a family. Are you looking at Sam differently because you want to give Beth a traditional family, with two parents together?"

Quinn stood up, backing away from the table until she hit the wall. Her eyes blurred with tears as the words began to flow from her, somewhere deep, resonating within as she spoke.

"Sam is the one person in my life that has always stood by me, no matter how low I had fallen, or what bad things I did, he always understood and never turned his back on me. He has been my best friend for years, even when I didn't realize it, even when I didn't want it, or deserve it. It took our lives derailing and hitting rock bottom for me to finally see him, truly see the blessing I had in my life. Then he was taken from me, and I felt empty. There was this giant hole in my life, something was missing, and it was him. How I feel about Sam is not about Beth, it is about our years together going through so much, and still holding on, never letting each other go. Beth came from that, she is here because we are ever connected."

She covered her face with her hands and sobbed, her shoulders shaking as all her tightly wound control seeped away. She struggled to catch her breath as the onslaught of tears continued.

"Okay Quinn that's good. Let it all out." Kali said, suddenly behind her, rubbing her back. "You've wanted to say that for a long time haven't you?

Quinn turned to face her doctor, wiping her tear soaked face with her sleeve. "It's just been sitting right here," she said as she patted her chest. "I felt it but I couldn't express it. I didn't have the right. "

"What makes you think you don't have the right to feel a certain way?"

"It's the timing. Back before the accident, when I first started feeling this way, it didn't seem right to tell him. I kind of thought he would hate me if I did." Quinn leaned back against the wall staring up at the ceiling, suddenly feeling so drained.

"You just said he always supported you and understood you. You said some pretty nice things about him. Why would you think he'd hate you?"

"I had years to figure it out. We started dating when I was 16. We could have been together all that time but I was blind or stupid or both." All those wasted years. She was so angry with herself for taking so much for granted.

"You were young," said Kali as she led Quinn back to her chair by the elbow.

"I knew he was special. I should have hung on to him. Maybe I shouldn't have chosen Puck."

Kali sat down across the table from her once again. "You can't beat yourself up after the fact for loving someone else. The heart wants what it wants, as they say."

"But when Puck left there was Sam, when I hooked up with Mike he didn't hold it against me, when I got back together with Puck he understood, then when I wrecked everything, and I was completely and utterly alone. He was there. The only one that never left me." It almost was beyond comprehension. Sam was the one she hurt so badly, yet he still never abandoned her, never left her life.

"We make choices in life, we fall in and out of love. It wasn't wrong if you didn't feel it with Sam. That doesn't make you a bad person."

"I did feel it. I've always felt it, sort of hovering on the edges of my heart. I just kept pushing him away. I never felt quite ready for him. In the back of mind I was always thinking someday."

"And now you think this might be your someday?"

"Maybe. I want it to be." She swiped at the tears that had begun to fall.

"Quinn why are you crying again? What is it?"

"He was happy. I finally realized how much he meant to me and he was happy."

"Happy with someone else?"

"Yes. What kind of person am I to want to get in the way of that?"

He loved his wife, he had told her so many times, in so many ways. Mercedes was the one for him. She thought Sam was wrong, putting his heart in the wrong place, but he was so convinced. How could she dispute him when he was so sure?

"But you never told him, you didn't get in the way of anything."

"But I thought it. I thought Mercedes didn't deserve him and look what happened. His car crashed, he was in a coma, Beth turned out to be Sam's and I destroyed Puck's life, then I got postpartum. It's like payback." She had brought bad luck to all of them with her selfish thoughts.

"Payback for what? For thinking? For having emotions? You didn't make all of these things happen. It just was how it all ended up. It's not your fault."

"I wanted Beth to be Sam's baby," she admitted closing her eyes. "One night I went to the chapel after visiting Sam in the hospital, I was back together with Puck, maybe 7 months pregnant. And I prayed to God to make Beth Sam's baby, so that way I would always have a piece of him. So you see, I made it happen. I consciously wished for something that would mess up all of our lives even more."

"You've kept quite a bit bottled up I see. I think we should take a break and revisit this at another session. There is a lot here to process," said Kali packing up her notebook and pen. She seemed dismissive and distant.

"You hate me now. You think I'm awful person."

"No I don't, but I'm finally seeing what you have been hating yourself for all these months. You led me to believe it had to do with Puck and the fact that he wasn't Beth's father."

"That's what I should've been feeling." She had a good thing with Puck. She should have been praying to keep that, not focusing on the wrong man.

"There is no crime in falling in love with another man. It happens to the best of us. The crime here is how you've tied yourself in knots, punishing yourself for these imaginary crimes, lying to yourself and everyone around you, all because you thought you were feeling something wrong."

"He's married." Her stomach sinking as she let that fact hit her full force. He might have woken up for her, but he still belonged to someone else.

"You've done nothing wrong, you're not a bad person, you deserve love and respect just like everyone else. You can get back on your feet and be a good mother to your child. We just have to work together to help you believe all of those things. The fact that you told me all of this tonight, means we are finally on the right path."

"Really think so?" asked Quinn.

"You were honest and you admitted all those painful truths that you had been hiding. Now that it is all out in the open, we can deal with it."

"But what about Sam?"

"Quinn you stay strong and keep working to find your way back. Everything else will fall into place. Sam has his own healing to do, his own painful truths to admit." She partially opened the door, peeking quickly into the hall. "I bet he's outside pacing right now, dying to get back in here to you. Should I send him in?"

Quinn broke into a broad grin. "Yes I would love that."

"Now that was an honest response. Keep that up," said Kali.

Quinn smiled as she watched Dr. Hill leave the room. It had been a hard conversation, but she was glad they had it. Felt freeing to get some of that off of her chest. Honesty felt good. Now she just had to stay brave enough to do the same with Sam. He deserved the truth most of all.

(Sam)

8:45 PM

Sitting on the floor, trying to drown out the sounds from behind the steel alarmed door a few feet away. There was life in this place after all, painful, sorrowful, desperately moaning life. The sounds of furniture crashing, metal against tile, echoed through the hall, making Sam feel like he was right in the middle of the action. This couldn't be the place where Quinn had been living, there must be a mistake, he must have taken a wrong turn, passed through the wrong door, because his Quinn could never live here, where cries and screams were the soundtrack.

Hopeless and sad, the fluorescent lights falsely creating an aura of security, faux safety under the bright artificial rays, covering the darkness from visiting eyes, but the patients, they had to know the truth. They had to know that sickness waltzed with the reaper, and sometimes let death take the lead. Quinn had to know it, she had lived it before.

Those days in the hospital when she was being treated for a mental illness he was sure her mother had made up, endless hours watching Quinn defeated and pale, struggling to stay lucid. Sam had hated it all. He visited Quinn without fail though, not willing to let his own feelings get in the way of her recovery. He made it his mission to keep her spirits up, to keep her in the light. Sometimes when she was too weak to speak, listless and worn from the drugs that were meant to help her, Sam would sit beside her and hold her hand, counting the sounds of each breath she took. One night she was especially still and Sam was scared to leave her, but visiting hours were coming to an end.

"I don't want to go," Sam whispered, his head against hers.

"I don't want you to either. It's scary here sometimes at night," said Quinn.

He put his arm around her, pulling her head on his chest.

"I can hear your heart beating," said Quinn snuggling closer to him. "It's so loud."

"Sorry. Do you want to sit up?"

"No I like it. It's like music, like a song." Sam felt her smile against his chest.

"What are you scared of Quinn?" asked Sam fearing her answer but needing to know, so he could help make it better for her somehow.

"That I'll never see the stars again. That's what I'm scared of today."

An alarm went off somewhere in the hospital, jarring Sam back to the present. Kali was still in there talking to Quinn, it seemed like it had been forever. He needed to be back in there. It had been hard just leaving the room, he didn't want to let her out of his sight. The irrational fear that she wouldn't be there when he returned consumed him. He needed to be with her.

Time was ticking and still no better ideas for Quinn's release had come to him. With more time he was sure he could get a plan together, launch a counter attack against his dad if necessary, but more time meant he'd have to leave her behind. That was starting to feel impossible the longer he sat in the hallway.

Sam exhaled sharply, taking the chain out of his shirt, to look at the ring that hung from it. He hadn't taken it off since the night he put it on, he bore it like a weight, a reminder of all he would have to give up if he did indeed take his father up on his offer. 'Inside my soul' was the inscription engraved on the interior of the thick platinum band. It unnerved him that he could have felt something like that for someone other than Quinn.

He wanted to ask Mercedes about it, to get the meaning behind the words, but he thought better of it. He hated seeing the glimmer of hope that shown in her eyes with each question he asked about their past together. Mercedes was mistaking his curiosity, his need to make sense of his life, as something more, as a sign of some deeper feelings or the return of his memory. That was not the case, if anything, her stories about the life they used to have convinced him even more strongly that he needed to be with Quinn. He couldn't shake the feeling that all the things that Mercedes told him were about the wrong person. Quinn should have been the one who was his wife.

Attraction aside, all these weeks with Mercedes had done nothing to make him feel closer to her, to restore his lost memories. Except, there was that once, like a flash, fleeting yet intense, when he had first put the ring around his neck, that he had felt something. Couldn't have been a memory, maybe just a piece of a dream, but there was this moment, where he knew what it felt like to be with Mercedes, to love her, to want her, and in that moment he understood why she was his wife. He vividly felt the weight of her head on his chest, her leg thrown over his, strands of black hair falling through his fingers, his body relaxed after making love to her in the warm rays of morning sunshine. And then it was gone, as if he had never had the thought, those feelings fading with each passing day.

It had to be just his mind reaching for a connection, it couldn't have been anything real, or else it would have remained. Like his feelings for Quinn, they persisted. Not even his crash let him forget her. That's how Sam knew they were real. Real love was resilient and everlasting, withstanding time, distance, and pain.

He crept into her hospital room, navigating the furniture in the near darkness, to make it over to her bed.

"Sam it's late what are you doing back here?" asked Quinn when she saw him approach.

"I wanted to show you something."

Quinn glanced at the door nervously. "You can't be in here now. You'll get in trouble."

"I won't stay long. Scoot over," he said sitting on the edge of the bed, kicking off his sneakers, before he climbed in next to her.

"What did you want to show me?" asked Quinn.

"First come under here," he said pulling the sheet over both of their heads.

"It's dark. "He turned on the flashlight he had concealed in his hand, illuminating their makeshift tent with a soft glow. "Sam what is this?"

"These are the stars. I wanted you to watch them with me tonight."

Quinn giggled. "Do you really think we should? My dad could come in and catch us."

"I'd risk the wrath of one hundred dads to watch the stars with you."

"Such a brave boy," she said smiling over at him, her green eyes sparkling even in the near dark.

"You make me brave, every time you smile at me like that."

Quinn rolled on her back, smiling as the hint of a blush tinted her cheeks. "Is that the North star?" she asked pointing upward.

"Yes it is," said Sam looking at Quinn's profile instead of up at their cotton sky. "My dad and I used to look at the stars together sometimes. I must have been really young. He always started with the North Star, told me to keep it in my sight at all times and I'd never lose my way."

"Did you take his advice? Do you follow the stars?" she asked grabbing his hand and holding it.

"I've never faced a night yet without looking up, so I guess I do. Got to make sure the North Star is still there. You know?" Sam chuckled softly as he leaned his head on her shoulder, closing the distance between them. He placed their entwined hands on his knee. "It is an ever-fixed mark. That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken..."

"That's beautiful Sam."

"Never be scared Quinn. You'll see the stars again."

"All I needed was you and a flashlight."

Sam laughed softly. "You'll always have me. Even when I am not here, you have me. There's always a piece of my heart with you, guiding you in the dark, like the North Star shining in the sky."

Quinn leaned closer to Sam, searching his eyes in the dark. Her hands softly stroked the sides of his face, as she placed a gentle kiss on his lips. "You've got a piece of mine too," she whispered as she pulled back to smile at him. "I'll always be with you, even if I have to go."

"I won't let you go," said Sam swallowing the lump in his throat. He held her close in his arms, resting his chin against her head.

"You promise?" she asked as her tears fell on his chest.

Sam slammed his hand against the hard tile floor. He had to do something, he couldn't let her down. He wasn't going to risk another night with her here, hidden from the stars. She had guided him out of the darkness and back to life, and he would do the same for her.

Even after all of these years, he still felt the same, she still had his heart, and he still never wanted to let her go.

(Sam)

9:02 PM

Sam ran his hands over his cropped dark blonde hair roughly, willing his mind to work harder. He banged his head against the white brick wall a few times hoping that would jar an idea in his brain. He had been sitting in the hall for almost an hour and still nothing had come to him that could help Quinn out of this place. The clack of heels on the floor caught Sam's attention. He turned to find his brother Mike quickly approaching.

"Mike what are you doing in here?" asked Sam holding on to the wall as he rose to his feet. "I thought you were going to wait in the car."

"I got cold, you two are taking a long time," said Mike slightly out of breath.

"Try turning on the heat." His brother had made such a big deal about not coming in, yet here he was seeming like he wanted to rush Sam out of the place.

"And burn all my gas? I don't see you coughing up the dough to fill my tank."

Sam laughed to himself. Mike was still the same, even as kids he claimed to never have money, always trying to convince someone to pay his way.

"Still crying broke, I see. Aren't you an executive?"

"I've got child support to pay. Besides I'm not the one that's heir to the throne, why are you being such a cheap bastard?"

Sam frowned as he remembered his current financial woes. Visiting Quinn had pushed it to the back of his mind for a bit. "I forgot my cash at home. That's all I have right now."

"ATM?" asked Mike leaning against the wall. He had pulled his jacket off and slung it across his arm, revealing his dark gray button down and coordinating trousers that he had worn to work that morning.

"Tried that. I forgot my PIN number. I guess I must've changed it."

The machine ate two of his cards before it dawned on him the PIN was incorrect. Experts warned against it, but Sam hadn't changed his PIN in years. He guessed during the last three years he had stopped living dangerously and finally changed them up.

"Probably when you got married. Did you try asking Cede?"

"Why the hell should I have to ask her about my own damn money?" asked Sam in irritation. Everywhere he looked that woman's fingers were all over his life.

"She's your wife, you gave her power attorney, joint accounts."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't remind me. I was a complete idiot setting myself up like this. She controls everything."

How whipped was he that he just handed over his fortune to someone else? A very young someone else. Mercedes must have extraordinary talent in the bedroom, because clearly he had been thinking with his other head when it came to her.

"She took care of everything when you couldn't. That's what you wanted."

There was that tone again. They all got it whenever they disapproved of his feelings about Mercedes. Sam could tell that his whole family wanted to jump to her defense. They usually held their tongues, trying not to blatantly speak up for her, instead letting their disapproval and the hint of a lecture seep into their words.

"I'm back now. I need to be able to control my own life again."

Mike nodded in understanding, his jet black hair falling forward into his face. "I'm sure that can be easily arranged."

"I've looked into it. I'll be taking hold of the reins come Monday. I just have to go to the bank in person and sign some forms. Apparently I set that little precaution up as well."

If only he could travel back in time and confront the old him, demand to know what the hell he was thinking, shake himself hard and get himself to make different choices. First choice, not to leave everything to a controlling little woman that liked to lord her power over him.

"And your credit cards?"

"Flagged. Can't use the ones with my name, because according to their records I'm in a coma," said Sam looking at his brother.

"Man that's rough." Mike tried to stifle his laughter, but his huge grin gave him away. "Maybe you should ask your daddy for an allowance."

"It's not funny." Not funny at all. He felt like a child, forced to follow the whims of his wife. "You know Figgins paid the florist out of his own pocket?"

"What florist?"

"I sent flowers on Valentine's Day."

Mike raised his eyebrows in question. "Let me guess not to your wife."

"To Quinn. Just wanted to cheer her up in here."

The thought had come to him when he had gotten a few minutes alone with Mercedes's cell phone at the hospital. He wanted to let Quinn know that she was on his mind. Flowers seemed like the perfect choice.

"That was nice of you," said Mike sounding a bit disapproving.

"She's had a hard time of it. I just wanted to make her smile." Sam felt the need to explain his actions. He wasn't just a lovesick fool, he was trying to do something good for a friend. "Hopefully she got them, I haven't had a chance to ask yet."

"Have you even been able to see her?"

"Yeah for a little bit. Kali barged in and kicked me out. I swear that woman just likes to push my buttons." He growled the last part, annoyed again by Kali's intrusion.

"She is Quinn's doctor, she probably just wanted to check her out," said Mike not bothering to hide his amusement.

"She could have waited. She did that shit on purpose. I could tell. She was smirking when she asked me to go."

"It just pisses you off that she doesn't fall for the lips doesn't it?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Kali is immune to your charms, sees through your act and that's why you don't like her." Mike pointed his finger at Sam and laughed.

Sam shook his head in distaste. "She has the personality of a wombat."

Mike smiled. "I think she's nice. She made me laugh the whole ride up here."

"You guys were laughing about me!"

Sam wasn't amused at all. Kali and Mike had teased him the whole car ride. Stuck in the backseat, feeling twelve again, while his older brother and his new crush poked fun at his expense, if he hadn't wanted to see Quinn so badly he would have demanded to be let out of the car.

"You are such an easy target little brother. Or shall I say Clark. Hard to resist."

He rolled his eyes at his brother's mocking laughter. "Anyway, if she doesn't come out of there soon, I'm going to just interrupt. I need to see Quinn again."

"So what's this all really about? You seem a bit overeager to simply want to see a sick friend."

"I've missed her." Sam couldn't stop the smile from forming on his face, even though he wanted to keep his cool around Mike. Just a short while ago Quinn had been in his arms, Sam couldn't get over how great that had felt.

"And…" Mike prompted him to expand.

"And I needed to see her."

That's all he was volunteering. He didn't want his feelings once again belittled by a member of Team Mercedes. What he felt for Quinn was real, even if no one else took it seriously. Sam knew the truth in his heart.

"You're hiding something. That's cool you don't have to tell me. I hope you told your wife though." Mike shot Sam a look. "She called me you know, that's actually why I came in here."

"What did she want?" Probably calling to check up on him or to scold him for not following doctors' orders, or for pushing himself too hard.

For the past two weeks she had been on his case, asking him about his food intake, nagging him about using his cane. The worst was when she came to his physical therapy sessions, making him feel self conscious and ill at ease. She didn't seem to catch any of his subtle hints about her leaving the room, instead she made herself comfortable and questioned the physical therapist extensively about his regiment. He guessed a small part of him was grateful she had been there that day, because later that evening when he was trying to do some exercises on his own he had gotten a cramp that painfully pinched and seized his leg, Mercedes was right there, able to help him massage the knot out of his calf and ease the pain. That was the only point he was giving her however, that and she was good at running errands, otherwise he wished she would have given him more space. How was he going to take nine months of her hovering about?

"I'm not sure. I didn't pick up. Figured I'd touch base with you first before I talk to her. I had a feeling she might not know you were up here spending time with your mistress."

"My mistress? What the fuck Mike, for once can't someone be on my side? You are my brother."

Sam turned on his heels and started walking down the hall away from Mike. He didn't need to hear anymore crap about how wrong he was for caring about Quinn and how he was being a bastard to his wife.

"Cede's a sweetheart," said Mike catching up to him and blocking his path. "We got to know each other as we skyped in your room."

"Great, just great. You can go ahead and marry her after I dump her ass."

"What's up with all the hostility?"

"I need my family to care about me, to see my side of things. All I hear is Mercedes this and Mercedes that," said Sam gesturing with his hands as he spoke. "I get she took care of me, but I'm back and I'm better now. I guess it is too much to ask for someone to support me."

"I am on your side. Of course I am. You're my brother. That's why I came in here to tell you Mercedes called instead of just ratting you out. I got your back, always. Tell me what's up."

"Mercedes knows I'm here. I told her I was coming today." He wasn't a complete bastard, he didn't lie to her about this trip, still he couldn't get any credit for the efforts he was making to deal with Mercedes.

"Ok that's good. Now tell me why you were sitting out here pulling your hair out when I first came in?"

"It's Quinn, this place, I don't think I can leave her Mike." Not here. Sam couldn't stop imagining her afraid and alone.

"Sam she has to stay. The court..."

"I know all about the court, but I have a way I can help her," said Sam cutting Mike off.

Mike dropped his coat in a nearby chair. "What way is that?"

"A way that could bring a world of hurt into our lives." Maybe he was being over dramatic but no matter how Sam looked at it, his father's deal would cause someone to end up hurt.

"Don't tell me you are packing heat?" asked Mike, lowering his voice and glancing over his shoulder. "Planning to blast her out like in a Stallone movie."

Sam slumped against the wall, shutting his eyes. "Don't tempt me. That option seems the best yet,"

"Sam…" Mike yanked his arm.

"Kidding." Sam added opening his eyes. "I have a more peaceful solution. I can get her released today. I told Kali about it, that's why she's here. She will have to sign the papers so Quinn can come home."

"Sounds like you have it all set, why the stress?"

With his head still pressed against the wall, Sam turned sideways toward Mike. "To get her free I'd have to give up my own freedom."

"Quit speaking in code. Spell it out man."

"You tell no one," Sam warned.

"You have my word," said Mike placing his hand over his heart.

Sam narrowed his eyes. Mike had a way of letting things get out. His track record for keeping secrets was pretty bad. "I mean it. No slips of the tongue."

"Just out with it Sam."

"My dad arranged it for Quinn to get out, but in exchange I have to agree to stay married to Mercedes for 9 months."

Mike was quiet for a moment, letting Sam's words sink in. "Oh. Ooooh, crafty. I like it," he finally said, a grin spreading on his face.

"I don't like it at all. It's not fair to any of us. I can't just fake it with Mercedes for months, all the while wanting…" Sam trailed off not wanting to reveal that much of himself, not even to Mike.

"Wanting Quinn?" asked Mike.

He wasn't confirming anything, not until he spoke to Quinn again. "It doesn't matter. I'm not going to take the deal. I will think of something else."

"Something else that can get her out tonight?"

"It might take some time. When her lawyer gets back, maybe he can help me." Artie seemed pretty driven, and he had to have some tricks up his sleeve with a dad like his.

"I'm sure you guys will come up with something," said Mike looking down at his shoes.

"You don't sound convinced."

He shrugged. "It's just Dwight. He's involved. So basically you're pretty much screwed. He's not going to let anything happen that he doesn't want."

"I just have to find a way around him. Even the great Dwight Evans isn't undefeatable." His dad had weaknesses, Sam just had to figure them out, so he could exploit them.

"Pretty damn close. Unless you get mom to get on of her boy toys on your side. I think a couple might be connected."

"Connected? Just what the hell has our mother been up to while I've been out of it? I thought mom stopped screwing around with low lifes years ago." Sam eyed Mike suspiciously. His brother was squirming, needlessly adjusting the collar of his shirt.

"Hey! I'm just brainstorming here," said Mike seeming very nervous. "Trying to find you friends in high places."

Sam chalked his brother's strange reaction up to his allegiance to Mercedes. Mike probably didn't like the idea that he was trying to help Quinn.

"Why are you even pretending? You want me to stay with Mercedes like everyone else."

"I want you to do what's best for you Sam. Honestly. I like Mercedes, and you two used to be happy, but if that is not how it is now, then you can't force it. I get that. Tina and I have been there."

"So what happened with you two?"

It was hard to keep track of Mike and Tina's tumultuous relationship even before he had his memory issues. All Sam knew for sure was that it always came back to them, since they were kids. Tina and Mike were forever linked, stuck on a wild ride together. Sam hoped the same would be the case for him with Quinn.

"Fighting, mostly, there was a lot of anger. I have joint custody of Maria now because of it. Things got nasty."

"I thought you two were still friends."

"We are for the moment. She has this new man in her life, Matthew Rutherford. It seems pretty serious."

"And that bothers you?" asked Sam.

"Tina can do what or who she wants, but there's no way I am going to have my kid calling another man daddy. Tina and I get along better now, but we still bump heads about visitation and living arrangements."

Clearly Mike was tense about the subject, his whole body language changed as he talked. The issues between him and Tina were far from resolved.

"Must be hard not being with Maria full time."

He'd just found out about his daughter and already didn't like not being around her all the time. Sam hated the nights when Mercedes took her back to Beiste's house. There had been a few times when he wanted to ask her to let her stay overnight with him. He wanted be under the same roof with his child, but at the same time he realized that Beth's home had been across town almost her entire life. He didn't want to disrupt her before he was ready to take care of her full time. Still it felt wrong to see his child shuttled away each night. He couldn't imagine how Mike must've felt living continents apart from his daughter.

"Yes it is. Most days I feel like scooping my little girl up and taking her with me back to Hong Kong, but I know she needs her mother. I make sacrifices for her sake."

"You're a good man Mike. That's a tough spot. I hope things don't get that way with Quinn and me. I'm hoping eventually we can give Beth a home together." A real family was his goal, his daughter deserved nothing less.

"I think all parents want that ideally, but sometimes it is just better for everyone, including the kids, when the parents are apart. Not good for a kid to be around so much tension and turmoil."

Sam had to agree with Mike. He'd been around parents in turmoil his whole life. Coming home from boarding school was like torture of him, because he knew his house would be a war zone with his parents at each other's throats.

"Or around a marriage that was forced on you by your dad. Beth doesn't need to see us faking it every day. She needs to be in a loving home with two parents that care about each other."

"Does Quinn know about any of this? The deal, your hopes for the two of you?"

It really could just be all wishful thinking on his part. Quinn could have long been over him. Might have been a little vain, and more than a bit presumptuous of him to start making plans, even if they all were just in his head, without knowing where Quinn stood on the subject of 'them'.

"No, not yet. That's why I wanted to see her. I wanted to see if anything was there."

"Did you pick up on anything yet?"

"There's something…then Kali came in."

He could see it in her eyes, something special there just for him, and when she had touched his cheek, leaning closer, Sam was so sure she was there with him too. She felt it all just as much as he did. Damn Kali for not waiting another five minutes before coming in.

"I'm sure you'll get your shot soon, look."

Sam turned in the direction that Mike was pointing to see Kali looking out of the waiting room door down the opposite end of the hall.

"I guess they are done," said Sam, his heart rate increasing, and his nerves starting to flare up again.

"Seems like," Mike agreed. "A word of advice from someone that has been almost in the same shoes."

"Ok hit me," said Sam giving his older brother his full attention.

"Figure stuff out before you go making promises and declarations. You don't want Quinn banking on things that in the end you can't deliver."

"I won't mention my father's deal to her, until I decide what I'm going to do."

Sam was with Mike on that. He wasn't going to get Quinn's hopes up about going home until everything was squared away.

"I wasn't talking about the deal. I meant the other stuff, the future stuff. You think you're so sure about what you want now Sam, but you just got back in the world. Take some time."

Sam sighed. "If my father has his way, I might have nine months to absorb the world."

"Your father might be a conniving S.O.B. at times, but he is pretty smart."

"You think I should take that deal don't you?"

"I think you'll never really know what you want until you get to know both of the women in your life."

"I know Quinn, we've been friends for years."

"Things might have changed with her. Look at this place, she's been here for one, not to mention all the other events you have forgotten. Three years can be a lifetime."

Mike was sounding all foreboding, as if he were referring to something specific. In fact, everyone got incredibly somber when Quinn's name was brought up.

"Is there something I should know? What are you not telling me?"

"I'm going to stay out of it for now. Let her tell you. Take your time. Same goes for Mercedes. You married her for a reason. Don't you want to find out why?"

Back to Mercedes, that girl was always in his way, putting a damper on his dreams. "Won't change my feelings for Quinn."

"Maybe it won't, but at least you'll understand a bit more. I think you owe that to both Quinn and Mercedes, and especially yourself."

Mike was making sense in his head, but his heart was so much louder, and his heart was telling him that he had to take a chance with Quinn, no matter the risk. This was their time.

"Damn, you are right, three years is a lifetime. Somehow you got wise, I remember when you were just a supreme dumbass, now look at you, spewing wisdom like Yoda," said Sam laughing.

Mike grinned at Sam. "Age. Pushing 35, I felt it was about time to use more of my brain cells."

"Well it is definitely working for you. I feel better. Thank you."

"Glad to hear it. Now get in there and make up your mind. Either set her free or keep her caged, but decide soon, because I'm ready to go. Tummy's rumbling, eyes are getting heavy and three hours is a long drive."

"Got it old man," Sam said patting Mike on the back. "I'll pick up the pace for you gramps."

"It is so good to have you back bro. Did I tell you that?" asked Mike suddenly going serious.

"Oh no, are you going to hug me? I can't take it if you get all sappy," said Sam lightening the mood. They didn't need to get all choked up in public.

"Yeah I think I am, come here and give your big brother a hug," said Mike outstretching his arms toward Sam.

"You stay away from me," said Sam laughing as he tried to dodge his brother's open arms.

Mike was quicker, cutting him off, putting him into a loose headlock. Sam was just about to shove Mike off, when he saw a pair of feet covered in black shiny flats in front of him.

"Hey, so are you ready to head back in there or would you rather stay out here and wrestle your brother?" asked Kali, a slight smirk on her face.

Both Mike and Sam rushed to stand upright, straightening out their clothes.

"You're all done? I can see her?" asked Sam his words coming out in an excited rush.

Mike and Kali looked at each other, snickering in unison.

"Yes Sam she's all yours," said Kali.

"Don't forget what I said bro," Mike called out as Sam approached the door.

He could see Quinn through the small glass window, sitting in her seat, wiping her face with her sleeve. Her face was splotchy, her nose was bright red, and Sam couldn't tear his eyes away. Right through that door his future was waiting. He just had to step through and grab it.