Chapter 42

The cold air rushed into the darkened kitchen as Mercedes dragged herself through the door. Her pink leather wristlet hanging from her mouth, a reusable grocery back in the crook of her arm, her keys precariously perched from the end of one of her fingers. Home never looked so good, even when it was dark and lonely. She had been spending more time at the Evans house than she liked. She missed the familiar warmth of Beiste's kitchen, the bright colors, the fresh flowers, and if she were lucky the presence of Beiste herself. Beiste however had been home even less than Mercedes, instead spending most of her days and nights in the company of Dwight Evans. Beiste claimed she was there to support Dwight during his adjustment period of Sam being back, but Mercedes wasn't convinced, she knew Beiste was enjoying Dwight's company in ways that were far more than supportive. They hadn't come out and said yet, but it was pretty clear that Dwight and Beiste were an item.

Mercedes smiled whenever she thought of it, the sweetness of a friendship melting into more. Beiste had been so lonely for so long, and Dwight, although he never would admit it, was lonely once Sam had moved out after the wedding. The two of them found something with each other, something that seemed pretty special as far as Mercedes could tell. Dwight was smiling up a storm lately that was a sure sign, of the power of Shannon Beiste. Even old grumps were powerless against her kindness and embracing personality.

Mercedes hoped some of that kindness would rub off on Sam. He had been doing his best imitation of his father the few weeks, all scowls and barks. Mercedes knew his foul mood was directed at her, with everyone else he was the same Sam he had always been. It was just when she came around that his temper would flare, his body tensed, and his eyes shifted into angry slits. The ring had set him off, Mercedes was sure of it. Sam had been fine before that. Although, she hadn't been around him before then to know much about his temperament at all. The past two weeks in and out of the house with Beth provided her more than enough evidence of Sam's contempt. It was thinly veiled and ever present whenever she attempted to do anything for him, to help him in any way. He lashed out verbally, accused her of hovering, demanded she leave him alone. The wedding band he still wore around his neck shook and glinted in the light with every tirade, mocking her, painfully reminding her of all she had lost. So it was the ring combined with just her very existence. No matter how she looked at it, one thing was clear. She was the problem.

Mercedes began unpacking her groceries, lining up the items on the counter. She had stopped by the store with a specific mission, to find the ingredients for authentic Mexican guacamole. Armed with the recipe Beiste had given her, the shopping part had been relatively painless, most people didn't seem to be shopping at 10 o'clock on a Thursday night. The worst part of the evening was having to fake interest in Daley's latest tale of woe. The man was a total strike out artist, hitting the bars, only to return numberless and alone. He wasn't a bad looking guy, if a woman found the shiny suit, slicked back hair look attractive. Daley's problem was the fact he had to speak to meet women. His incessant chatter and penchant for bad puns turned off most self-respecting women before he could get a foot in the door. It was a shame really, Daley probably would be a good boyfriend, loyal, attentive, definitely willing to communicate, if only someone would give him a chance. Maybe Sam should give him some pointers, he was an expert in picking up women and reeling them in. He definitely knew how to charm the pants off a girl and close the deal. Mercedes was proof of that, he was treating her like crap on a daily basis for weeks, yet here she was still toiling away planning a party for him.

All the calls had been made, the majority of plans set. Kurt had done the bulk of the organizing, coordinating food between the caterer and BreadStix, all of Sam's favorites were on the menu. The last minute surprise party seemed like it would go off without a hitch. All that was left was finalizing the music. There was a band that played the local club scene that everyone was raving about that Mercedes wanted to check out. It was a last minute idea, but music just seemed like the perfect touch for such a special event. It wasn't everyday that a man comes out of a coma, makes a miraculous recovery, just in time for his 29th birthday. Something worth celebrating, for sure. Daley had been her wheels for the evening, which came as a surprise to Mercedes. She had figured Daley would be taking Sam upstate to see Quinn, but Daley had informed her that Sam had made other arrangements and that he was all hers. The idea of going to a club with Daley didn't sound like fun. Mercedes had begged Kurt to come instead, but he had to fill in at Scandals, so Mercedes was stuck with her talkative driver, until an unexpected text came in at 9:30pm and things suddenly didn't seem so bleak anymore. Not that Finn Hudson was the best company in Lima, but he was a bit better than Daley and he could at least offer some constructive feedback on the band.

In less than two hours she would be embarking on new ground, a night out with Finn, something she never thought she would do, but after their conversation, it didn't seem like it would be so bad. She did feel a little uneasy about being alone with Finn, not because he was a silly ass boy, or that he could burp the song "Wild Thing", but because he wasn't Sam. Stupid, clearly, this wasn't a date, it was business, and even if it were a date, Sam wouldn't give a crap about it anyway. He had made it clear that he wasn't interested in her in the romantic sense at all. But for Mercedes it felt a bit like a betrayal, like she was stepping out on her guy. Maybe it was just residual guilt from Shane, and how much that friendship had hurt Sam. Finn was nothing like Shane, they were barely friends, and definitely not more than that, but still, it was yet another reminder that her heart had once been divided and uncertain. She didn't want Sam misconstruing things. Mercedes shook her head at her foolishness, she was thinking about Sam as he used to be, when he remembered, current Sam didn't have any resentment about other men, he probably would set her up with a date or two if he could, just to clear his path to Quinn.

Sam was probably on his way back home now, after visiting Quinn. He was probably all happy and smiling, lost in his memories of their perfect first love. Mercedes's stomach lurched as she recalled Sam's excitement the past week, when he didn't think she was looking, he had been full grins, whistling happy tunes, and bursting with nervous energy. He was like a teenager before prom, anxious and excited, fantasizing about the fabulous night to come. Had he ever been that excited about her? Mercedes couldn't remember. Their past was starting to blur with each day. She had no one to relive it with, no one to share those sweet memories, the only person that would care had blocked it all out, and showed no signs of wanting that to change.

Maybe she had brought it all on herself, with the way she treated him, the things she had said, after she had found out he had cheated on her. Anger seemed like a justifiable response at the time, he had lied and broken his vows. But look what she had done? Marrying him while she was so uncertain and spending the first month of their marriage pondering the romantic possibilities of being with another man. Those were just as heinous of crimes. She may not have slept with Shane, but she certainly let her mind and heart contemplate the idea. She threw stones at him, when she had no right to, now fate was making her pay for her judgment.

"Don't even think about coming in this house," she said arms crossed, as she blocked his entry through the doorway.

"You called me," Sam reminded her, one foot on the stoop, the other on the walkway.

"I wanted to tell you to never come back to your face." She looked him dead in the eyes and hoped her face didn't betray her underlying tumultuous emotions.

"You could have done that over the phone, as you already have, repeatedly."

"I needed to make sure you understood my message loud and clear."

"I think I got the message," he said stepping up completely on the stoop, an arms length away from her now. "You called me over here because you wanted to see me," he added with a smirk.

"What? That's the last thing I want."

"And yet here I am, in the flesh, face to face." He leaned in when he spoke, backing away right before she could shove him.

"I said what I needed to say, now you can go." Mercedes stepped back inside the doorway, putting a bit more distance between them.

"Not so fast, maybe I have something to say," he said putting his hand on the door, to hold it open.

"I don't care. No more excuses, no more begging for forgiveness there's nothing you can say to get me to take you back." Mercedes tried to force the door closed pushing against his hand that held it open. Sam was too strong and her efforts proved futile.

"I'm not going to let you just throw away what we have," said Sam as he grabbed her wrist and pulled her onto the stoop with him.

Mercedes yanked her hand free, rubbing the spot he had just touched. "Anything we had was trashed the moment you stuck yourself in Quinn."

"Aren't you being a little hypocritical here? I forgave you for Shane."

"I didn't sleep with Shane."

"You did worse, you secretly wanted him the whole time you were with me."

"That's not true. I loved you, I wanted to be with you," said Mercedes her eyes filling with tears. She couldn't bring herself to look up, still so ashamed of her actions with Shane.

"And what about him?" he asked raising her chin with two fingers so she would look him in the eyes.

"You know all this already," she said jerking her head back to escape his grasp.

Sam moved in slowly, backing Mercedes against the house. "I know that what we have is bigger and stronger than anything you ever felt for Shane Tinsley. You tried to run from us on our wedding day and you're trying to run now, but I'm not going to let you. I love you too much to give up on us."

He was a breath away, the hair that had fallen into his face, tickled her cheek, as she turned her head to avoid his intense green stare. Sam wouldn't relent, following her with his eyes, blocking her attempts to flee with his outstretched arms that trapped her between the house and his body.

"I wish Shane had gotten that message, he could have saved me from you." Mercedes stuck her chin out defiantly, daring to look him in the eyes after that sharp bladed admission. She had struck her target, his eyes clouded with pain.

Sam shook his head as if he were trying to remove her words from his mind. "Even if you had left with Shane that day, nothing would have changed." He inched forward letting his body graze hers. "We are meant to be, you would have been just delaying the inevitable."

"How can you stand there and be so arrogant after all you've done? You're a liar and a cheater and you actually expect me to still want you?"

It didn't come out as forceful as she would have liked his proximity throwing her off her game. One hand had moved to her waist, urging her forward to mold with his body completely. Mercedes tried to resist but the pull was too strong and she found herself leaning into his warmth.

"I know you do," he said lowering his voice, his mouth next to her ear.

Mercedes shivered as she felt his fingers dig into her hips, his lips ghosting her cheek, teasing her with the promise of full contact. She let both her hands slide up his chest, the last barrier between him and her self-control. Then her mind suddenly snapped to attention, as an image of him with Quinn flashed through her head.

"You get the hell away from me," she yelled shoving him back from her space.

Sam quickly recovered and slowly moved in again. "Why are you shaking Mercedes? Are you scared?"

"I'm not afraid of you, I'm mad. How dare you try to touch me?" She had backed herself against the house as far as she could, gripping the door frame with her one hand, her sole protection against his advances.

"What would happen if I did, touch you?" Sam was on her again, leaning over her, blocking her way to the door.

"I will smack the crap out of you," she said through clenched teeth. Her breathing was becoming erratic the closer he got and she prayed Sam didn't notice the change and prey on it.

"Probably, but the whole time your heart would be racing and you'd be wishing you were kissing me instead," he said lowering his voice to almost a whisper.

Their eyes connected and for a moment they both knew what he said was true. She bit the inside of her cheek hard to remind herself of all the pain that giving into one kiss with him would cause.

"Get this through your head, you evil soulless bastard, you are nothing to me." The words came out like bullets and his head snapped back as they hit him dead center.

Mercedes tried to take the rings off her finger, pulling at the bands, bruising her fingers over the stones, but they wouldn't budge. They were as stuck on her finger, as if permanently fused there since the day he proposed. She continued to yank at her finger, determined to get the things off.

Sam grabbed her hands stopping her. "That's enough. Don't you see? You're not meant to take them off, we are a part of each other, inside each other's soul." He pulled her into him, wrapping her in his arms, ignoring her struggles against him.

The tears fell as she tried to beat her hands against his chest, shove him off of her, stop him from feeling so perfectly right.

"I'm going to get these rings off and throw them in your face, I don't want any part of you. I hate you. You destroyed us. Why did you have to do it Sam?"

And he just held her, enduring her assault, never letting her get away. Sam stroked her back, pressed kisses into her hair, holding her tighter until Mercedes relaxed in his arms.

"I'm so sorry. If only I could take it back," he said against her hair.

"Well you can't take it back and this is done," she said finally breaking free from his arms. He let her go, not pursuing as she stepped away from him.

"We'll never be done. You know that," he said shoving his hands in his pockets and staring down at his feet. All the fight from moments before seeming to have left him.

"Forget I exist, just take me out of your mind. There's no way in hell you'll ever be a part of my life again." Mercedes stepped inside the house, pulling the door partially closed against her body, only a narrow opening remained.

Sam looked up at her, with hurt wide eyes. "You don't mean that. I'm not just going to let you go."

"I'm already gone." With that she closed the door, leaving him lingering on the stoop alone.

She had done it to herself. She had been the one to make him forget it all, to forget them.

Mercedes squeezed the last of her lime over the bowl of guacamole she had just prepared. She had followed Beiste's recipe to the letter, and it actually turned out pretty good. Tasted good too, from the little sample she had allowed herself. Puck had come by about a half hour earlier, to bring Beth home for the night. It was after eleven, so Beth was taking her nightly nap, leaving Mercedes and Puck some time to chat while she finished her guacamole.

"I got it. Bottles in the fridge, monitor with me at all times. Got your print out of instructions right here," said Puck tapping on his back pocket of his jeans. "I think you've covered everything. More than everything."

"I just want you to be informed," she said smacking Puck's hand lightly with her spoon, as he tried to dip his finger in her bowl of guacamole. "You don't sit with Beth often. I don't want you to get overwhelmed."

"I can handle one little baby. I do have experience with kids you know."

"I know. I get a little insane I guess when it comes to Beth. I worry."

"That's what mom's do."

"Not a mom, just neurotic," she shrugged suddenly feeling sad. Mercedes loved Beth, took care of her, worried about her like a mother, but she wasn't one. When she peeled back the layers, she was nothing more than an unpaid nanny.

"Stepmoms count Cede."

"How about ex-stepmoms?"

"Huh? What are you talking about?" he asked.

"Nothing," said Mercedes quickly dismissing the subject. "Everything's clear with Beth. I should be back late, but not too late. Hopefully she will sleep a bit for you. She started on cereal and pureed sweet potatoes yesterday, the doctor said it might help her feel less hungry and maybe she'll sleep longer. If not…"

"Shopping channel. I got it," said Puck cutting her off. "So there's something I need to ask you. A favor?"

"You name it."

"I want to bring Santana to the party. She really wants to come."

Mercedes's face shifted into a frown. "I don't think it's a good idea having Santana in the house."

"Uncle Dwight won't even be there. And I can keep her in check. Promise," said Puck as he leaned against the kitchen counter.

"Why would she want to come? She hates me." Mercedes never had been certain what she'd done to turn Santana against her. The hate had just always been there.

"She and Sam used to be close at one time. She just wants to see him."

"Puck I don't know," Mercedes said hesitantly. "I just want a nice calm party, no trouble and no drama." Everywhere Santana went trouble followed. Mercedes didn't want any drunken catfights happening at Sam's party.

Puck laughed. "Right in this family? Keep dreaming."

"Well a girl can hope. I'm just trying to stack the deck in my favor. Having Santana there, a person that hates me, seems like it defeats the purpose." Mercedes put the guacamole in the fridge, before removing her pink lacy apron that covered her dark denim jeans and gray strapless peplum top, her ensemble for the evening.

"She doesn't hate you, she just doesn't know you that well."

"Semantics. Hey, maybe she should come. She and Sam can stand in the corner and make rude comments about me. He shares in her hatred of me." Hoping her light tone would hide her pain. The fact that Sam hated her actually cut her deeply.

"Sam doesn't hate you," said Puck taking a seat at the table.

"Oh yeah, I really think he does. You know he almost kicked me the other day?" She chuckled to keep herself from crying.

"What?" Puck's face tightened with the start of anger.

"He got a cramp doing exercises and I was there trying to help him, he was so nasty to me. He was just cold, shutting me out, he literally would flinch away whenever I came near him.

It had been unbelievably awful. Sam's face twisted in anger as she tried to massage his leg. He squirmed and pulled away from her whenever she got close. The muscle in his leg was visibly knotted and she knew the pain must have been excruciating, or else Mercedes would have let him deal with it on his own. He was being stubborn and ill tempered. But Mercedes never could stand to see him in pain, so she tried to ignore his blatant disgust with her and continued to rub his leg. Finally she had gotten it under control and the muscle began to relax. She had looked up at him for any signs of approval, gratitude, and there was nothing but cold indifference as he brusquely pulled his leg away from her and stood up, knocking her over in the process. Sam didn't even ask if she were okay, or offer to help her up, he just turned his back and left the room.

"Maybe he was sensitive about you being in the room. You know how he can get about his leg."

Excuses. Mercedes could see that Puck didn't really believe them himself. Under normal circumstances Sam would have just asked her to go if he were uncomfortable with her in the room. He'd done it a few times while he was in the hospital, signaling to her to give him some privacy during an exam or some other facet of his care. Sam had never been shy, he spoke his mind. So his actions the past few weeks were something else entirely, he was deliberately saying and doing things to make her feel unwelcome, unwanted, and despised.

"I'm his nurse, I've seen him in all sorts of ways, he doesn't need to be squeamish around me."

"He doesn't remember that Mercedes. You are a stranger to him."

She looked down at her rings. "A stranger to my own husband."

"Maybe stranger was the wrong word," said Puck trying to backpedal.

"I think that was the absolute right word. I'm a stranger to him, he's definitely a stranger to me."

"I thought things were getting better for you two."

"So did I. When he took his ring back I thought it meant something. I thought he wanted to try." She ran her hands roughly through her hair destroying the curls she had quickly put in her hair when she had changed her clothes.

After her conversation with Kurt the night Sam got his ring, Mercedes' hopes started to lift. She began to feel like maybe Kurt was right, and that Sam's new interest in their marriage was a positive step. Following that spirit of positivity Mercedes tried to be around more, come to the house, and not steer clear of him as she had been. Now she was the one that brought Beth to visit him, she sat in on his physical therapy sessions instead of finding out his progress after the fact. She even tried to share a few meals with him.

The first day went really well. Sam seemed fine with her being around. They had breakfast together, the three of them, Beth on Sam's lap with her bottle, as Mercedes picked at the fruit on her plate. Periodically she would pop a grape or strawberry into Sam's mouth, since Beth's fingers were firmly clamped around Sam's hand. Mercedes was secretly thrilled that Sam let her do something for him, even it were something as simple as feeding him fruit. As the day progressed, Sam's mood began to shift, his smiles decreased, his words went from sentences to monosyllabic grunts. He was shutting down on her. Mercedes wasn't quite sure what went wrong between breakfast and dinner, she went over that day many times in her mind since, she could come up with nothing. Except there was that one thing, so innocent and natural to her, but maybe to Sam it was a misstep.

Had to have been around lunch time, Sam had finished therapy, and she and Beth were doing a little tummy time on the floor of the living room. Sam was still in his wheelchair so he couldn't get down on the floor to join them, so Mercedes had placed Beth in his lap instead. As she left the room, to get Beth a bottle, she leaned over and kissed Beth on her little blond head, as she often did, and then she looked up, eye to eye with Sam, a smile on his face, and she kissed him. Nothing deep, just a soft peck on the lips, like she had done so many times before. Sam hadn't even looked surprised she had done it, in fact he had lifted his head and returned the kiss with equal softness. It felt natural, and so very ordinary, Mercedes had bounded off to the kitchen, letting it slip her mind completely. He had changed after that, and the more Mercedes thought about it now, that must have been the trigger, the moment Sam started to shut her out. It was because of that kiss.

"Maybe he does want to try."

"He doesn't want me around," she said getting up and turning her back to him. She didn't want to cry, she was so tired of tears, but Mercedes knew they would come if she looked into Puck's pity filled eyes. "When he talks to me he gets this clip in his voice, like he's annoyed I am in his presence."

"I think you're reading too much into things."

"I know him. I know what it feels like to be hated by him. It's like two years ago all over again, except this time he wants Quinn not Rachel. I don't think I can take much more Puck. What if he stays like this forever? What if I never get him back?"

Mercedes covered her face with her hands trying to maintain her composure. It was pointless to let herself get worked up again over things she was powerless to change.

"It's a miracle he even survived the accident," said Puck softly.

"I know that and I'm grateful. I just think it might be time for me to cut my losses and move on."

"You'd really leave him?" asked Puck looking very skeptical.

"That's what he wants anyway. Quinn will be here to pick up the pieces once she gets out of the hospital. He'll be fine, better than fine, he'll be happy."

While Sam was in a coma, Mercedes had made many deals with any higher power that might be listening. She wished for his health, his recovery, she wanted him back, at virtually any cost. She'd bargained away anything and everything just to get him to wake up. One thing she had said during those negotiations with the gods was that she didn't care if Sam didn't want her anymore, as long as he was alive and healthy. The gods had come through, lived up to their end, Sam was back and healthier with each passing day. Now it was her turn, she had to live with the fact that he didn't want her, she couldn't allow jealousy or selfishness make her renege on the exchange. He was happy and healthy, it didn't matter if it wasn't with her.

"Those two are such a bad idea. Quinn's just going to end up hurt if she goes there with him again," said Puck running a hand over his face.

"So I'm right? Quinn does want him back."

Quinn would be a fool not to want him. Mercedes never quite understood why Quinn had left Sam the other times. To her, Sam was a special man, full of passion, energy, and humor. He excited her, infuriated her, supported her, made her feel things like no one else ever had. Despite, his many flaws, Sam had a lot of good to offer, even now covered with the scars he inflicted, Mercedes still believed Sam was worth the pain. Maybe Quinn was realizing that too.

There were videos. All the times Quinn had come to visit Sam while in a coma were on tape, and Mercedes had watched every one, mostly on mute, but at times she listened too. Quinn reminiscing about their past, telling him she missed him, apologizing for some crime Mercedes didn't know about. Quinn held his hand and at times reached out to touch him in other places, her hand hovering hesitantly above his body only to be retracted moments later. She wanted to touch him, Mercedes could tell, but Quinn never let herself until that last time, the one Mercedes played on mute, too scared to hear what Quinn could be saying, where Quinn spread her body over his.

Mercedes truly hated her in that moment. Quinn's body draped over Sam as if she had the right to do so, as if he were hers to love. Funny, how now Mercedes was the one on the outside, not allowed to touch him, Quinn was all he wanted.

"I didn't say that."

Mercedes looked over at Puck, his expressive hazel eyes saying more than his words ever could.

"You didn't have to. It's written all over your face. You still have it bad for your ex."

There was something about Quinn that kept men entranced. They never quite got over her. Even her father, who had tried to block her out more than anyone, practically disowning her as his surrogate daughter, was still emotionally attached. Mercedes could sense it every time Quinn's name was mentioned. Sam definitely wasn't immune to Quinn's charms, a coma and amnesia and Quinn still was number one in his heart. Now Puck, sitting in front of her trying so hard to appear unfeeling, but it was plain as day. He still wanted her too.

Puck sighed, studying the wood grain of the table as he spoke. "I will always care about Quinn. I don't want to see her hurt and Sam will bring her nothing but pain."

"He seems to think that they are meant to be." He thought that about them too, once, the night he proposed, he tried to make her see they were destined. He'd forgotten that now, like everything else.

"Sam's brain is clearly impaired right now. Before the accident he wasn't even thinking about Quinn like that, now suddenly he has to have her? I'm not buying it."

"Maybe he was thinking those things before and we just didn't know. He did sleep with her," she said pulling herself up on the center island countertop.

Of all the women in the world, he had chosen her. Mercedes understood that Quinn was his friend and he was close to her, but there was always this little part of her that wondered if it were more than that. Maybe Sam turned to Quinn because deep down Sam wanted to be with Quinn. And Quinn certainly didn't turn him away, she was all in for whatever Sam had to offer.

"Sam wanted to be with you. I can't count how many times he told me that."

"Say anything enough times you'll start to believe it. Maybe he was trying to convince himself he wanted me, because he couldn't have Quinn."

"Take your wedding band off," said Puck getting up from his chair to stand in front of her at the counter.

"Why?" she asked looking at him curiously.

"Just give it to me." Mercedes took her rings off and handed her band to Puck. "Do you see that?" he asked pointing to the inscription.

"I know what my ring says Puck. What's your point?"

"It says 'inside my soul'. The night of his bachelor party, Mike and I were with him at the house about to take him out, and a delivery came. It was your rings. He showed us what he had engraved and told us why."

"I know why. I was here when he said that to me. But him feeling like that then, doesn't change the facts about now."

"He felt like you were a part of him, that you understood him like no one else ever had."

Tears stung in her eyes, but she willed them not to fall. "I felt the same way. I still do."

Made for each other, kindred spirits, twin flames through life, so many expressions to say the same thing, Sam just got her, and she got him, practically from the first. She tried to find ways to dispute that fact so many times over the years she'd known him, being soul connected to Sam wasn't doing her any good, and he certainly didn't care, Rachel, a woman that seemed to dislike everything about him, was all he could see. The truth can't be denied, and all of Mercedes' attempts at breaking that cord between her and Sam failed miserably. She was stuck feeling for him, even while he felt nothing for her.

Of course, it all had been lies. Sam had felt things for her the whole time, just as Mercedes had always known. In the end he had admitted it and berated himself for ignoring what was right in front of him. Their break up after she found he had cheated, hadn't changed a thing, the connection was still there, much to her disgust, seemed that nothing would sever it, except maybe Sam himself. Now with his mind blanked in spots, Sam claimed that he felt no such bond, even though when he thought she was just his nurse he spent hours going on about connections and kismet and how it was rare and wonderful to feel so much for a perfect stranger. Finding out she was his wife nipped that quickly in the bud, leaving Mercedes where she was right now, nowhere.

"So why are you so quick to give up on that? After everything the two of you have endured, you were given this gift, this miracle, a second chance. How can you just blow it off?"

"Sam thinks his second chance is with Quinn. They have Beth together and all these memories. I think he may be right Puck. Maybe fate brought him back to her, and not me."

"If you really feel that way, then why give him a party?" asked Puck shoving his hands into the front pockets of his jeans.

"He deserves to be celebrated. I want him to see how much he was missed and how much he is loved. I think he needs that."

"Why do you care what he needs? You just said he has been treating you badly."

"I love him, Puck. I want him happy no matter what."

"You made him happy. He told me you made him happier than he'd ever been. Don't take that from him."

"It's not the same anymore. You don't know what it's like to have the man you love look at you, and clearly see that he wishes you were someone else. He resents me. I know he thinks I am in Quinn's spot somehow. I don't want to make his life hell. If he wants her, he should have her," said Mercedes sniffling and rubbing at her eyes to stop the tears that had started to escape.

Beiste had told her once that sometimes if you truly love someone the best thing you can do is let them go. She had been talking about Sam at the time, trying to get Mercedes to stop selfishly wishing he would break up with Rachel and be with her instead. That lesson seemed so appropriate to her now. Sam wanted to go, and she had to let him leave. How could she claim to love him if she was just holding him down like a rusted anchor?

"Where is the real Mercedes?" he asked rubbing the top of her head lightly. "I watched you wear Sam down for a whole year trying to get his attention."

"And you told me to stop and get over it repeatedly."

Puck pulled her into a hug, planting a kiss on her forehead. "You never listened to me."

"I didn't and look where we ended up. Both of us are hurt and miserable. I can't be the eternal romantic that Kurt wants me to be. I'm no good at denial."

"Kurt wants you stick it out with Sam?" asked Puck as he went over to the cookie jar and took out a chocolate chip cookie.

"He thinks Sam is feeling more than he's letting on."

Kurt was right, Mercedes believed Sam was feeling more too. She could see it sometimes when he looked at her, hear it in his voice, he'd let his fingers linger over hers a bit too long when she'd pass him the salt or hand him his pills. There was something there, maybe something they could build on, but he didn't want that. Quinn was all he desired and Mercedes was just an inconvenient after thought, a remnant of a life he had forgotten, and didn't seem to care if he ever remembered.

Maybe if Beth had been their child, things could have been different, maybe then he'd want to spend time with her and get to know her, they'd have a link, a tie that would make him want to be with her more. But there were no babies between them, their only tie was a love, invisible to the naked eye, incomprehensible to most people they knew, but it had been very real to them. And now it was only real to her.

"But you disagree with that?" he asked before taking a bite of his cookie.

"Sam doesn't want to feel anything for me. Whatever is there he's hell bent on ignoring. I'm not going to force him into feeling something he doesn't want to."

"I'm disappointed in you. I thought you were made of tougher stuff."

"I'm not going to make him be with me Puck. I have my pride. I just need to get through the party and I'll deal with the rest after." Mercedes picked up her phone behind her on the counter, glancing at the screen. "Oh I didn't know it was so late. Finn will be here soon."

Puck raised his eyebrows. "Finn?"

"Finn Hudson is driving me to hear this band in Carmel, the 'Oh Mandees', their late night set. I thought they might be good for the party tomorrow. We're going to check them out and maybe give them an offer they can't refuse."

"I thought Kurt was planning this party with you."

"He had to work, so Finn volunteered to step in and go with me."

"Out of the goodness of his heart?"

"I think he is bored without Sugar. He probably wants something to take his mind off his pain. I know the feeling."

"I'm glad you are getting out and having some fun. Just don't have too much fun," said Puck doing his best impression of her father as he sat back at the table.

"With Finn?" she giggled. "I'm not sure that's possible."

Mercedes wasn't sure what to expect from this excursion with Finn, at least it would be nice to spend some time with someone that actually wanted to be near her. She had seen Finn a few times since their nachos in the kitchen, once on campus, and another time at Scandals. Each time he greeted her with a big goofy grin, and an enthusiastic wave. Their conversations didn't move past superficial, but it had been nice to talk about nothing with someone that didn't despise her, that wasn't blocking her out, denying feelings. Finn was just Finn, open and friendly, always up for a good time. Mercedes could really use good times in her life at the moment, to combat the constant bleakness of her relationship and the monotony of her days. Finn was a change, and sometimes a change was necessary.

"Just be careful. You're in a vulnerable place right now. I don't want you going out and doing anything stupid."

"I'm not interested in Finn. He's not even my type." Mercedes slid down from the counter and grabbed her purse from the desk by the drawer.

"A few drinks and anyone starts looking like the right type."

She'd leave the drunken hooks ups to Sam and Quinn. Sex meant far too much to Mercedes to be done so casually.

"We're not drinking. Just tons of chips and guacamole," she said as she applied some more gloss to her lips while looking into her little gold compact.

"That's who you made that for? For Finn?"

"Well for both of us, for tonight. Finn has been on this nacho kick lately, his way of surviving his breakup. I thought it might be nice to lure him away from congealed cheese and introduce him to a vegetable." She put the compact and the lip gloss back into her purse putting it down on the table. She was all set to go, just needed Finn to hurry up.

"Isn't that sweet. Always taking care of someone aren't you?"

"Guess that's why I'm a nurse. I like to feel useful and needed." Mercedes sat in the chair sideways, crossing her legs.

"So you are adding Finn Hudson to your flock? All of us Evans' and Beiste aren't enough for you?"

"You guys don't need me. Sam would rather be tortured than have me take care of him. My dad is all consumed by work these days. Beiste has Dwight, she's rarely home anymore. Soon Beth won't even need me. Sam will have her full time."

"Sam can't raise Beth without your help."

"He's going to be a great dad Puck. I was just keeping his seat warm. I want him to take over."

Sam was a natural, taking on the role of father with ease. He hadn't spent a whole lot of time with Beth these past weeks, between therapy and running off to secret appointments that were arranged by Figgins, but when he did get the chance to be with Beth he was fully engaged, all in and focused on bonding with his child. It was amazing to watch and Mercedes had done so a few times, peeking at them from behind a door or staying in the shadows of a half darkened room. Sam spoke to Beth as if she were an adult, no baby talk, just honest conversation, about what he wanted for their relationship, their future, about life in general. The past few days Sam had started teaching Beth things, pointing out objects in a room, telling her their names. Beth was going to be such a knowledgeable kindergartener, between Sam's lessons and Kurt's 'Baby Can Read' DVDs, she was destined to be the smartest kid in Lima one day.

"Mercedes, you love that baby. I can't believe you're just going to walk away from Sam and from Beth."

"Sam and Beth are sort of a package deal. If Beth's daddy doesn't want me…"

"Stop," said Puck cutting her off. "I can't hear anymore of this. You're depressing me."

"Sorry my life's angst is stealing your joy."

"I didn't mean it like that. I just don't like what I'm hearing. You and Sam should be working together to get your life back."

"You always thought I should be with Shane anyway."

Everyone did. They feared for her with Sam as if he would consume her and leave her a shell of broken pieces. What they didn't realize was that she wanted him to consume her, to love her so completely that they felt like one solid unit. Mercedes wanted the affection, the passion, the nurturing, she craved his intensity, and found safety in his constant attention. Sam gave her the love she never had growing up, but always longed for. Being with him made her finally feel like she had a place in the world and someone cared she was a part of it. She felt truly complete with him, like she could do anything as long as he was in her corner. It was so much, overwhelming for some, perfect for her.

Puck shook his head in disagreement. "I only wanted you happy. Sam has this habit of breaking hearts. I didn't want you to go through that with him."

"Too late. My heart has been broken for almost a year. Pretty sure it's a permanent condition at this point. I'm just happy I still can feel anything, that I haven't gone completely numb. Pain is better than nothing."

"Don't give up on him yet Cede. Give him a chance to find his way back to you."

"Sam's not even looking for the path. He doesn't want to come back to me. I need to face that," she admitted sadly.

"No you don't. Not yet. It hasn't even been three months. Don't you think your love deserves more time than that?"

"There's no love between us anymore. It's just me holding on to memories."

That probably hurt most of all, all their love had disappeared. It had taken so long to get him to see what they had was real, and now it all was gone, dandelion puffs floating in the wind, carried away to some unknown destination. Where was that secret dwelling for displaced love? Just beyond the rainbow, or on the other side of tomorrow? Mercedes thought so much about things like that now. No longer wishing to regain his heart, but still wanting to visit the spot where the ghost of it rested.

"I think you have enough love inside for the both of you. Hang on to it for him." Puck squeezed her hand that rested on the table.

"Puck why are you saying all of this? I know you're not the biggest fan of me and Sam as a couple. Is it just because you don't want him with Quinn?'

Puck scrunched up his face at the mention of Quinn. "It was something Julian said actually."

"My dad? He hates me being married to Sam."

"I know, but he said something that got to me the other day when we were at the gym. He said how he couldn't understand why you always ended up back with Sam. That every time you were almost free of him something pulled you back in. He said there was this invisible force drawing you both together and not even betrayal, heartbreak, or serious illness, could tear you apart. It drove him crazy that you were so bonded to a man that had hurt you so badly. All that Julian said got me thinking. He was right, you two are bonded together, have been since you first met, as far as I can tell. There's something to that Cede. Doesn't happen every day. You've got to hold on to it. You two have made it through so much, come so far, don't give up now."

"I don't know Puck. He's just so…"

"Sam wouldn't give up on you," said Puck his voice steady. He seemed so certain.

"What makes you so sure of that?"

"He pulled through the coma. He came back."

Mercedes closed her eyes letting the memories of that morning wash over her. "He came back to Quinn and Beth, not to me."

Nightmares disrupted the little sleep she managed to get, new ones, no longer about the crash, but about Sam, dying as her lips touched his, the screams of the alarms in the hospital as he slipped away. He died when she kissed him, and came back with Quinn's touch. There really was nothing more to say on the matter, it was truth, Quinn gave him life, while all Mercedes did was keep him in suspended death. Too much to live with, she had to let him go, so he could be happy with the people he came back for, Beth and Quinn.

"Answer me this. If things were reversed do you think that Sam would walk away from you? Just give up without a fight, without trying everything in his power to help you remember him?"

"I don't know Puck." She was weary of the subject, they kept circling around a constant nothing. Sam didn't want her, what was left to say?

"Mercedes…"

"Sam doesn't give up easily on things he really wants. We are alike in that way."

"See. Do you want Sam?"

"You know I do. But…"

"No buts, can you picture your life without him?" he asked not letting her avoid the question.

"I don't want to."

That was the other problem, there was no hope, but she couldn't fully let go. Sam was with her at every turn, her life had become all about him, and she didn't know how to free herself from that. She was scared to. Who would she be without him? She had found purpose in building a life with him, all of her dreams shaped around their future together. Mercedes wasn't sure where she could find new dreams that would feel as right as the ones she shared with Sam.

"Then you know what you need to do. Trust in that love you two had, believe it can last."

"Okay you're starting to creep me out. You're going all love jones on me."

"Sorry." He smiled. "I'm trying to prove my point."

"Point taken." Outside a horn beeped, making both Puck and Mercedes turn toward the door. "That's my ride," said Mercedes getting up from her chair.

"He can't even come in?" asked Puck with a slight frown.

Mercedes just shook her head and smiled. Puck could be so overprotective. "Sorry dad. We're in a rush."

"Be good Cede," said Puck as she hugged him tightly around the neck.

"Aren't I always?" she asked one hand on the door and the other holding her coat and purse.

"Remember not too much fun." Puck called after her as she left.

Mercedes leaned back against the door, breathing in the cold night air, feeling chilled to her toes, but loving it. At least it was something beyond her pain and self pity. There still were cold crisp nights where the stars were so bright in the sky they seemed within arm's reach. And there was a friend, in a silver 1982 Corvette blasting Hip-hop as he drummed his hands against the steering wheel. From the walkway, Mercedes watched Finn rock out to some generic beat. She smiled, feeling grateful she still could find reasons to do so.

Maybe Puck was on to something when he suggested she hang on a bit longer, to not give up on a love that had always remained, no matter how much her mind clouded with doubts. Perhaps her fleeting hopes just might soar past her once again, begging her to reach up and grab them like the stars shining on her tonight.