Chapter 47
"Are you coming or what?" he asked as he popped up on her side of the car. Slowly she opened the door and climbed out.
"I don't think I want to go inside."
"But you said you wanted to see where I lived."
"I see it now. Big house."
"So you're ready to head home?" Finn asked. Mercedes could hear a hint of disappointment in his voice.
"No I don't want to go home, but I don't want to go inside."
"Oh I get it." He smiled, dimples showing, eyes gleaming even in the moonlight. "Scared that you'll tarnish your high society reputation by being seen on fraternity row with me?"
"I think my reputation is already tarnished after this past year. I'm just not interested in making any walks of shame." Finn perked up. "Not that I'm sleeping with you. No chance in hell."
If Finn was offended by her firm denial he didn't show it. "No worries, we can hang out here. I'll be right back." Mercedes watched his tall lean frame head toward the house.
"Just so you know," he said pausing and turning back toward her. "There would be nothing shameful about spending time with me. I don't do casual sex or random hookups."
Mercedes shot him her "boy please" look. "Yeah right. You're a guy so I highly doubt that's true. Sam used to say the same shit all the time and look at what happened there."
"I'm not Sam though," he said before jogging up the stairs and into the house.
What the hell was she doing? It was like two am on a Thursday night and she was sitting outside the Gamma house on campus. She should be home in bed trying to sleep and waiting for Beth to wake up for her next bottle. Being out all night with a guy, a guy that wasn't Sam, that was not her life. Mentally she snarled, as Sam's face flashed in her mind. Damn that man and his accusations and judgment. He had spent the day with another woman, visiting her in her padded cell but he had the nerve to jump all over her just because she decided to have a social life. He could go to hell and take Quinn with him for all she cared. He was a lying jackass that needed to be gone from her life.
If only she could do what she told Puck, just pack his shit and put him out, then everything would be so much better in her life. It could be just her and Beiste and Beth with the occasional visits from her dad and Puck and Kurt, it would be so much simpler. Mercedes gasped, realizing what she had just thought. She was sitting there wishing for things to go back to the way they were when Sam was in a coma. She was so selfish and hateful. No way would she want Sam to be ill again, living on machines, not knowing whether he'd make it through the night.
Had things gotten so bad where she'd rather have Sam unconscious than in her life?
"Hey I know that look."
"What?" She looked up to find Finn in front of her.
"You're thinking about him again." Mercedes shook her head, "Don't try to deny it I know that face. I thought we decided to make this an S free zone."
"That was at the club."
"The zone follows us wherever we go."
"OK you're right. I'll do better."
He handed her a beer that he took from his coat pocket. "No don't worry about it. I'm just messing with you. I had my own S moment in the house. There was some wine that Sugar used to like to drink in the fridge."
"Sorry Finn. It must be hard with little memories popping up all over."
"I'll get through it. Has to be worse for you though. Kurt told me how Beth's room is like a shrine to Sam. How do you go in there without wanting to throw darts at all the pictures?"
"Darts? That's a great idea. I'll have to get some just for that purpose."
"Look at there. I told you I'm good to have around. Philosophy major baby." He tapped his forehead. "Always thinking."
"You've been great. Thanks for going with me to The Groove Room tonight."
"It was nothing."
He pulled a hat out of his back pocket, red, and black with a big M on it, and put it on Mercedes' head.
"What the hell?"
"You looked cold," he said. "Let me show you something." He grabbed her hand and tugged her gently leading her around the side of the house.
"A swing set!" Mercedes would've jumped with excitement if her heels weren't starting to sink into the frozen ground. She rushed over to the metal set, where two lonely swings were already swaying in the wind. "When I was a kid I used to love to swing. I'd sneak off to the park and just swing for hours."
"Why did you have to sneak out? My mom used to chase me outside so she could get a breather."
Mercedes took a huge gulp of her beer before setting it down on the grass. "Wanna race?" she asked already starting to pump her legs to swing higher.
Finn laughed. "My legs are so much longer than yours. I'd win before we even started."
"Do I smell fear?"
"Never," he said placing his beer down on the grass too, before starting to swing beside Mercedes.
Higher and higher the two of them pumped, the swings' chains rattling, the faster they went. They ended up swinging in unison matching each others pace despite Finn's long legs. Together they almost created a melody from the synchronized sounds of their swings, combining harmoniously with the muted buzz of the bass coming from a nearby home.
"What do we do now? Do we jump?" Finn asked loudly, sounding very out of breath.
Mercedes stomach dropped as she stopped pumping, her swinging slowing to a gentle rocking motion in seconds. Like her battery pack had died, Mercedes sat on her swing, feet now firmly on the ground, swaying in the cold.
"No," she replied as she reached for her beer. Why risk it? Taking leaps was what got her into this mess with Sam in the first place. "Why is there a swing set at a frat house?"
Finn stopped his swing twisting it a bit to face her. "Apparently years ago one of the brothers was a dad and his kid used to come and visit. They put up this swing set for him."
"So I guess it doesn't get used much now."
"Well," he took a sip of his beer. "Sometimes we have contests. See who can swing the highest and longest without puking."
Mercedes turned up her nose. "Let me guess you guys are drunk while doing this?"
"It kind of would be pointless if we did it sober, so yeah. College life."
"Can you see me at college?" Mercedes asked.
Finn looked at her blankly. "Uh…aren't you in college now?"
"I mean can you see me being a typical college girl, living on campus, maybe in a sorority?"
Finn studied her for a moment as if he were seriously giving her question thought. "I don't know. You seem kind of reserved. I bet you'd be the type to hide out in the library all the time."
Sam had said the same thing to her when he was in the hospital. Little did either man know how far from the truth they were. Not that she was having fun at those bars and clubs back in in LA, but so many nights of her life were spent in stuffy, dank establishments. Keisha Jones liked to conduct business in such places. Not her respectable affairs, and respectable was anything but in her mom's world, even though she classified her actions as such, but when Keisha was desperate, looking for quick or easy gains to supply her habit, it was to those seedier types of places she turned. Surprisingly Mercedes liked these men better, and if she had to choose, then low rent men would be the ones she'd take over the respectable ones any day.
From about the age of twelve Mercedes' mom would wake her up in a frenzied state, talking fast, with shiny skin and bright eyes, making her put on the tightest and smallest clothes she could find. Makeup this time and loads of it, these men didn't like messing with a child, or at least they pretended like they didn't, so Mercedes had to look older before her mom bartered her flesh for quick drug money.
Once Mercedes got older, maybe about sixteen, she stood her ground and demanded that her mother stop using her for profit. Mercedes would never forget the day she had confronted her mother. After hours of driving fast down the freeway trying to work up the courage to take control of her life she finally headed home, which was at the time a suite in fairly nice hotel thanks to a particularly generous and perverted man that liked her in pigtails and plaid skirts, Mercedes approached her mother and stated her case. Her body, her choice.
Keisha Jones looked at her for a moment no expression, making Mercedes squirm and almost run from the room until finally her mother said, "Fine, It's your body and you can choose what you want as long as you still bring me my money."
A small victory was won that day, such as it was, Mercedes would soon figure out that earning the kind of money her mother expected was quite difficult without offering up her body in exchange, but nevertheless she finally had a little control. Looking back she wasn't quite sure if it was better to be pimped out by someone else or to pimp out herself. Both options left her feeling dirty and used. Thankfully her time finding ways to extract money from respectable rich men was short lived. Too much tequila combined with prescription pain killers had killed her mother and set her free. Finding the name Julian Jones on her birth certificate, followed by an internet search had done the rest, setting her on a course for her new life in Lima, Ohio. Although most people in Lima might have been whispering that she had pulled off some elaborate con by landing Sam Evans, none of them truly knew about her past. That was the one thing Sam's money bought her, her privacy. No one aside from a select few knew about her old life in LA and Dwight Evans made sure it stayed that way.
"You don't know me that well. I used to be quite social."
"Let me guess. Before you became Mrs. Evans right?"
Mercedes picked up her beer. "You make it seem like I'm a Stepford wife hosting dinner parties and volunteering at the Lima art society."
The only parties she had thrown were for her dad or Puck and Quinn and she had little time to volunteer as a full time student. If Sam had different expectations of her, he never let on. He was one hundred percent supportive of her finishing her degree and her goal of becoming a nurse.
"Aren't you? You're married to the son of the richest man in town."
At one point that would have meant so much to her, Mercedes was pretty sure if her mom were alive to see how far she had risen, Keisha Jones would have finally shown her some love. Sam was never a mark though. She hadn't even known who he was that day when she hid out at his table at BreadStix. Once she did find out just who he was, there was a certain attraction to his wealth and power, but that all went away once she truly got to know him. Sam was more than his family status or bank balance.
"Sam's not pretentious like that."
"There's an elevator in Dwight Evans house and a butler named Figgins. Sounds pretty stuffy to me."
"Figgins is a sweetheart and Dwight had the elevator installed when Sam got back from Afghanistan and was wounded badly. Practical not pretentious."
"If you say so. Dude just seems tightly wound to me. You may come across a little nerdy but never could I picture you ending up with a guy like that."
"We fit, well we used to." She sighed, momentarily thinking about how different things had once been between her and Sam. "Sam's not really like his parents. He's more down to earth than he seems. Besides he was one of the most eligible bachelors in the U.S. Before I snagged him so that's saying something."
"Says he's loaded."
"I didn't marry Sam for his money."
"Come on Mercedes, you can be straight with me the money had to add a little to his appeal. Without it he's just another skinny white guy with big lips."
Mercedes laughed though she knew she shouldn't but it was nice to hear someone say something negative about Sam for a change. Most people kissed his ass and everyone else she associated with was a part of his family so finally with Finn she found an objective party. "The lips are nice but he could use a little more ass."
"And a little less feet. I think we wear the same shoe size and I'm like 4" taller. Why the freakish long feet bro?" asked Finn holding up both legs to display his feet.
"You know what they say about big feet and hands."
"Yes I do." Finn held his hands out in front of him and grinned. "All true."
"All true for Sam too."
Finn shook his head. "I swear girls are worse than guys when it comes to sex. You don't hear guys saying stuff like big ears equal big boobs."
"Nope guys just throw a drink on you and stare." She attempted to laugh but couldn't quite manage it. Thinking about men in bars turned her stomach.
"Wet t-shirt reference." Finn laughed. Mercedes caught the quick glance he gave her though. He was checking out her chest, now that she'd brought the subject up. "Now that's a contest you could easily win if you ever decide to be a college girl and come to campus."
"I'll pass. I've had enough men leering at me while dry."
Sometimes they didn't even need a drink. Mercedes could always feel when a man was looking at her. That was another life skill her mom made sure she learned – knowing when a man was interested. Even tonight at the club Mercedes knew there were eyes on her body, and she hated every minute of that unwanted attention.
"Why does it have to be leering? It could be appreciation."
"Oh it's leering all guys do it, but some of you are slicker about it. Like Sam when I was his assistant he used to stare at my boobs and my ass constantly. And when I called him on it he had the nerve to blame me. Said I dressed inappropriate for the work place."
"Did you?" Finn asked leaning his swing closer to her.
"I wore suits and dresses like everyone else. Just because my clothes hugged a little tighter than the average D&E employee wasn't my fault. And I told him that. Know what he did?"
"What?"
"He freaking changed the company dress code no cleavage and no skirts above the knee." Damn jackass. Mercedes took another sip of her beer. She should have been wise enough to leave him alone back then. He had been showing his shitty ways since day one.
"No wonder Rachel quit. All her skirts barely cover her ass."
Mercedes gritted her teeth. "That girl. She worked there when I did she was dating Sam."
"Yeah I know. She still has a picture of the two of them on a shelf at her and Kurt's apartment. "
"Why is she clinging to the past?" Mercedes shook her head feeling not surprised by Rachel's craziness. "Sam has long since moved on." Though Mercedes thought Sam and moved on from Quinn too, and look where they were now.
"She said it was because he was in a coma but it's still up now."
"She's the reason I never went over there. I can't stand that shrew."
"Wait," he said touching her arm. "I thought you were friends. Wasn't she in your wedding? "
"Clearly I had lost my mind that day."
"For having Rachel in the wedding party or for marrying Sam? "
"Wow." Words caught in her throat and tears burned behind her eyes. She didn't even have a response for that question.
Finn downed his beer and tossed the bottle on the grass at his feet. "Maybe I'm being rude for asking it but I've been sitting here all night wondering how a man with a super sweet wife that loves him, would just shit all over that with another woman."
Slowly she began to swing, hoping the rocking motion would move her away from this conversation, or better yet her life. Faster she pumped her legs, leaving Finn blurry below, with pointed toes she stretched, reaching for the moon, desperate for an escape.
"Are you hungry?" asked Quinn trying to fill the silence that fallen between them. The mood was taking a turn, and Quinn wasn't quite sure she was ready to follow it.
"I could go for something sweet," said Sam as he flopped down on the bed beside her, rolling on his side to face her.
"There's the candy I got from the machine earlier," she suggested her voice shaky as Sam stroked her arm with his fingertips.
"Maybe later," he said before kissing the places his fingers just tread, soft lingering kisses up her arm. Quinn's eyes fluttered shut at the sensation.
"It's so strange being here with you."
"Good strange? Or?"
"Definitely good. I want to pinch myself to make sure this is really happening."
He kissed her unexpected and sweet, his soft lips brushing hers with gentle pressure.
"Did you feel that?" Sam asked pulling back to look her in the eyes, his hand stroking her hair that fell around her face.
"Yes." She outlined his lower lip with her finger, trying hard to resist the urge to pull him closer and kiss him again.
He playfully nibbled at her finger that hovered near his mouth. "You think maybe we could talk for a bit?"
"Of course. What is it you want to talk about?"
"There's a lot on my mind these days, so much I don't know." Sam looked up at the ceiling as if he hoped the heavens would open and enlighten him.
"Must be so confusing for you."
"At times it is, and at other times, I'm completely fine with all the blank spaces in my head." He looked at her and smiled. "There are so many good things in my present, like you and Beth. I don't feel the need to look back."
"You've got to be wondering why though? Why you made certain choices, how you ended up the man you are now?'
Looking back on it, Sam had really done quite a bit to turn his life around. He'd moved past his selfish plotting, his controlling need to force life to bend to his desires, and had created a life for himself where family, loyalty, love and honesty took center stage. Despite his terrible parents, and unconventional upbringing, Sam had truly managed to rise above and actually become the better man he always wanted to be.
"See for me, I feel the same. I don't know who this supposed new version of me is."
"I think you'd like the person you became. I liked him very much."
Changes are harder to see when they are happening right under your nose, so Quinn hadn't fully been aware of Sam's growth while it was occurring. Once she took a moment, sat back and really looked, she could see it all, Sam had changed, in the best possible way. When they were together at the Beacon, Quinn had noticed it, he was calmer, even during that time of extreme emotional duress, he was less likely to fly off the handle. He took responsibility for his mistakes, he tried to avoid casting blame on others, and he looked within for answers. Sam didn't harass Mercedes or assault Shane when his marriage fell apart, he had accepted the situation and tried to plead his case without making Mercedes feel trapped or cornered. Sam cared about other people and put their needs above his own. Quinn admired that then, and aspired to be more like that now.
"More than you liked me when we were stuck in that limo crash? I keep thinking about our time together that night," said Sam.
"I've been thinking about it lately too." In vivid detail, explicit memories of their time alone together in the cold, when their burning attraction was no longer contained by the barrier of their clothes.
"Really?" he asked leaning away from her in surprise.
"It's sort of this point, back to a place before it all went wrong."
It wasn't just sex though, it was the things they had said to each other that night as well. She'd never been that open with him before, facing death must have made her braver, more apt to be real. Quinn had been so close to admitting something that she had been feeling for months, even when she was still living in New York with Puck. Missing Sam back then had made her realize just how much she wanted him in her life. When she saw him again, it all hit her with startling clarity, she wanted to get to know him again, to renew their connection, to maybe discover that what they had in high school was still there between them. But she was in a relationship with Puck and he wanted Brittany, so Quinn had stifled those feelings, shoving them away as she always had. Then the limousine crashed and suddenly the only thing that mattered was the two of them.
"What happened? It felt like we were so close to something then, like we were about to become…" his voice trailed off, a smile substituting for words.
"Something more," said Quinn filling in his blank.
"You felt it too?" he asked leaning his head against her shoulder.
"I did," she picked up his hand and held it, rubbing his palm with her thumb. "I wanted things to work out for us after that."
She had wanted a chance to do it all over again, without her fears holding her back, without Puck dividing her focus. Quinn wanted the chance to see if Sam really was that prince she always dreamed he was, the first boy, besides Puck who didn't count because he was off limits, to have ever truly seen her and liked what he saw. She had hoped that the second time would have been it, and what had always been missing within her would finally be found in his arms.
"Quinn, why am I married to someone else? Why aren't we together?" he asked squeezing her hand tightly, not meeting her eyes, instead focusing on their joined hands.
She laughed almost to herself. He had asked those questions as if she knew the answers. She had been wondering the same things, for some time now. "It's hard to say why. Life, our fears, maybe our timing was off. I don't know."
"Did we even try?" Sam was getting emotional, the subject meaning more to him than Quinn had ever realized. It felt good to know that this mattered to him, that she still mattered to him.
"We were close, then we weren't, then we were again."
"Sounds like us," he laughed pulling Quinn down to lie flat on the bed. She rolled on her side to face him, temple to temple, still holding hands. "Typical Sam and Quinn dancing around each other."
"But never getting the steps right." Strange how they never managed to be on the same page, their hearts never in alignment. Someone had always cut in on their dance in one way or another.
"When I first found out we had Beth together I thought we were the ones married, that you were my wife. It really threw me when I found out that wasn't the case."
"I heard it was bad for you. How are you dealing with it now?"
"My wife's a stranger. She looks at me with these wide eyes, like I mean so much to her, like we have all this between us and I feel nothing."
Quinn felt incredibly lucky in that moment. Sam had come back and remembered the best parts of them, he still looked at her with familiarity and warmth. Mercedes got the blank stares and the coldness.
She kissed him softly on the cheek, moved by the pain and confusion swimming in his eyes. "I'm sorry."
"Me too. I hate that I'm hurting her. She seems like a good girl." Quinn turned up her nose at the comment. Mercedes had him fooled already into thinking she was all sweet and innocent. "I saw that face you just made. What's up? Why don't you two like each other?" asked Sam.
"You mean besides the obvious I slept with her husband reason?"
"I think there's more to it," he pressed, rubbing her bare shoulder.
"I'm not sure she ever liked me, especially not with Puck."
She'd never done anything to Mercedes, Quinn had always been cordial. Quinn had hoped that maybe they would have become friends, since she was Julian's daughter and so close to Puck. At first things were going well, Mercedes was dating Shane and sometimes she and Puck would double date with the couple. Ultimately, Shane and Mercedes were short lived, as she traded up and latched onto Sam. The tension built since Puck was against Sam and Mercedes as couple and Quinn was stuck in the middle trying to support Puck but still be a friend to Sam. Maybe she resented Mercedes just a little bit for coming into her life and shaking up the dynamic. Julian became more focused on Mercedes and Quinn felt his diminished presence in her own life acutely. Quinn supposed Mercedes was just as unsettled by the changes and that made it harder for them to bond. All of that made sense, and could very well be true, but Quinn was pretty sure simple jealousy was the reason the two of them never got along. Mercedes just didn't like another woman taking up her newfound father's time.
"How long were you engaged to Puck?"
"I was with him when we slept together that last time."
"I know. Wait," he said sitting up. "That last time? Do you mean there were other times we slept together?"
"I figured you knew by now," said Quinn rolling onto her back.
"I'm pretty much clueless about most things."
"After the crash, when Puck and I broke up, you were good to me."
"How good?" he asked raising one eyebrow.
A slow smile spread on Quinn's face. Leave it to Sam to take that one word and run with it. "Very good."
"And did you thank me properly for my kindness?" he asked shifting back down on his side of the bed, flat on his back.
"Repeatedly."
"Oh that's nice." He grinned. "I like that."
"You're so crazy, Sam," she said laughing, hitting his arm playfully. "I'm trying to be serious."
"So was I!"
Quinn rolled her eyes at him, but never dropped her smile. "After my break up we acted on that attraction we had during the crash."
"You finally gave up the goodies. Took you long enough, been waiting years."
"See this is why you don't remember any of it. Your karmic punishment for being such a guy."
"You wouldn't have me any other way," he smirked.
"You're right. I wouldn't."
Sam pulled Quinn closer, to rest her head on his chest. "Finish telling me about our story. You and Puck broke up, we had amazing sex…"
"I never said it was amazing."
"Come on. That's a given," he said, his chest quaking with laughter.
"What am I going to do with you?"
"I can write you up a detailed list," he said suggestively. "But seriously what happened?"
"We decided to take things slow, remaining just friends. You were still getting over Brittany, I was getting over Puck, but we decided it was wrong to deny ourselves pleasure. We deserved to feel good after all we had been through."
"Meaning?"
"We used each other for sex."
She had agreed to that arrangement but never fully bought into it. Quinn had always thought that she and Sam were more than that, and the fact that they had finally made love, meant something deeper than scratching some sexual itch. Quinn had played along, agreeing things were casual, because she thought they both needed to take things slow, to ease into something more. Each time they made love, Quinn eagerly waited for the change, the moment Sam would say the words and let her know that he didn't want to be casual anymore. The words never came, and while their nightly visits continued, she could feel Sam pulling away, withdrawing more into himself. In the end, it truly felt like just sex, and she was just the warm body he chose because she was easily accessible.
"That's an unexpected twist."
"It worked for a while, then things changed."
"I started to get emotionally attached and you pushed me away right?" he asked as he slowly stroked her hair.
"No, I was the one that got attached."
Sam had broken her heart in stages, severing slivers with each date he took Penny on, each time he rolled away after sex without saying a word. Losing someone felt so much worse, when they still had their arms around you, pretending they didn't want to let go.
"I don't see how that could lead to us not working out."
"You didn't want me," Quinn said pulling away to sit up against the headboard on her side of the bed.
"That's impossible."
"It happened. I was ready for something deeper with you, and you weren't on the same page. There was another woman."
A chill ran through Quinn's body, and she rubbed her arms to lessen the goose bumps that had formed, somehow she had found herself back in the same place with him. Years had passed, and they both had moved on a few times over, but nothing had changed. Their timing was still incredibly off. Quinn finally felt ready to take a chance with Sam, more ready than she had been three years ago, and Sam again wasn't in the same place. Watching him wake from his coma, the thrill of hearing his scratchy voice over the phone, seeing him face to face, it was all illusion, a fleeting fantasy that would vanish once the clock struck some unknown hour that probably coincided with the sunrise. It didn't matter that Sam was holding her in his arms now, or that he had kissed her so hard she could barely catch her breath, none of that changed the truth, Sam was married. Another woman was between them once again.
"Who?"
"Penny Owen, Miss Lima U 2008 I do believe. She was a redhead, all syrupy sweetness, and you seemed to be pretty taken with her."
"I was seeing her while we were sleeping together?"
"Yep. I think it started out as business, you were doing some dealings with her father, but in the end I think you really liked her."
"I dumped you for her?" Sam asked.
Quinn cringed at his question, feeling a bit raw, going back to such a painful time in their history.
"We were just fuck buddies Sam, there's no breaking up from that, it just fizzles out."
"You're upset," he said leaning closer, examining her face.
"It was a long time ago." Quinn swiped at the few tears that had fallen down her cheek, feeling silly that all of this still affected her after so many years.
"I see it all over your face, this hurts you. I hurt you."
"It's just sad to think about what we could have been. Maybe if I had spoken up sooner, and told you how I felt, you might have stopped seeing Penny and gotten serious with me."
It was such an awful thing, regret, to look back and wonder which fork in the road she should have chosen to finally get her to that rainbow. Though looking at her track record the odds were probably pretty slim that things would have amounted to much with Sam. Quinn had crashed and burned in love each and every time, so had he, they were alike in that way, risking their hearts but never quite getting the happily ever after they craved. Maybe the solution had always been staring them in the face, apart their hearts were destined to be broken, their dreams shattered, but together they could be stronger, they could actually achieve that happiness. Perhaps all the other loves failed, because they loved the wrong people, instead of each other.
She'd done it again, let her mind get carried away by fanciful dreams of a destined happiness with Sam. None of those thoughts were based in reality, it was all wishful thinking on her part, because the truth was more likely that she and Sam never got their second chance because they weren't meant to have it. Sometimes once is all there is.
"You never told me you wanted more with me?"
"I did, just too late."
Fear and hurt feelings had led her into Mike's arms. He was a good listener, he could make her laugh even on her worst days, and most of all he would never hurt her. He couldn't, he didn't have the power to. In Quinn's mind it had been better to hide her heart with another man than face almost certain rejection from Sam. But Quinn always did have a brave streak, daring to break the rules, stand left of center, ever since she was a little girl, so she threw back her shoulders and had faced Sam, put it all on the line. Too little, too late, their time had passed.
"I don't get it Quinn. I remember what happened in that crash, those promises we were so close to making. I can't see myself choosing another woman over you."
Sam looked truly confused and Quinn wished there was something she could say to make this easier for him, but she couldn't this was their truth.
"I don't know what you were thinking, you never explained it to me, and we moved on not too long after, so there was really no point."
"I moved on to Penny and you went back to…. Puck?"
Quinn didn't bother to correct him. Sam's timeline of events worked much better at this point. She didn't feel ready to tell him about her relationship with Mike, not tonight. She had just got him back, she couldn't risk losing him so soon.
"You actually didn't stay with Penny long, she moved away for a job or she transferred schools. I never knew what really happened for sure between you."
"I thought we were best friends? How is it we never talked about this?"
"Even best friends have subjects they like to avoid."
"I feel like I need to go back and beat myself up. What the hell was I thinking walking away from you?" he asked as his hand ran down her arm to tangle with her fingers again.
Quinn felt relieved that the closeness that had been there all night still remained even after this hard conversation.
"Like I said, our fears, bad timing, sometimes things just aren't meant to be."
"I'm not buying that. I came out of a coma knowing we were meant be. I can't believe that I felt differently back then. I've always known."
"You got married twice, and you were engaged to Rachel, how can you say you always knew we would be together?" she asked feeling a bit hurt as she thought about Sam's string of romances.
He'd been so serious about them all, willing to make promises and pledges, he'd let them all know how much they were loved and wanted. Never did he do that for her, those whispered dreams of a married future when they were seventeen, had disappeared. Words vanished as soon as they were spoken.
"In my heart I knew. I can remember my time with Brittany and you were always there Quinn, in the background, like a tucked away dream."
Quinn shook her head, not fully believing his words. "You loved Brittany, I know you did."
"Didn't change the way I felt about us. I gotta believe that the feeling remained with those other women."
If that were true, Quinn couldn't feel it when he was with Penny, she felt discarded, replaced by a younger, more suitable model. That feeling intensified as she watched him fall for Rachel Berry, he had been so into her that he didn't even seem to care that she was dating his brother. Quinn knew she was being self-absorbed, wanting Sam to be devastated by her actions, but it hurt that Sam seemed to get over her so quickly. Even though she had moved on with Mike, letting Sam go had been hard for her, it took time, and many pep talks to get herself to realize she was making the right decision. Sam had seemed to move on with particular ease.
"Why are you telling me all of this now Sam? I just got out of the hospital, you are still recovering, our lives are in total disarray."
"All of that is true, but how I feel about you is completely clear," he said placing his hand on the side of her face, lulling her to look into his eyes. "It just might be the one certainty in my life. I take comfort in it. I'm hoping that sharing this with you, will give you the same sense of calm I'm feeling. I want to be your peace."
Drowning in his intense green eyes, she let herself relax into him, falling into his chest. Sam wrapped his arms around her holding her close, kissing the top of her head softly.
Quinn sighed, so content in his embrace. "You are. You have been for so long. All last year, when things were so bad, and I felt so lost, I could just think of you and instantly calm down."
"Was this while I was in the coma?"
"Even before then. You were my rock when everything else was falling apart around me. You held me together, and gave me the courage to stay strong. Only I didn't realize it at the time."
All of her calls had gone to voice mail and she had been cursing him in her mind most of the night. How could he have left her alone when she was dealing with so much? She had just found out she was pregnant, and the one person she wanted to lean on was nowhere to be found. Quinn had ended up on Puck's doorstep, praying that her baby would bring a miracle and give her and Puck a reason to try again. There were no miracles that night, Puck got called away, mid conversation and Quinn was unable to fully explain her condition. So Quinn had dragged herself back to the hotel, the sole holder of her precious secret.
She had knocked on Sam's door, before going to her own room, just to make sure he wasn't hiding out, sitting depressed and drunk in the dark. There had been no answer. Later, alone in her own room, she had sipped a diet Pepsi and picked at a chicken sandwich, while she absently flipped through the channels with her remote. Late breaking news on some station, made her pause, a reporter standing in the rain, police lights in the background, there had been a car accident on a remote patch of highway 85, and somehow Quinn just knew, it was Sam.
No phone calls, no knocks on her door relaying the news, she didn't rate that much attention, she wasn't a part of his world according to his family. She was the one they blamed for his destruction. It didn't matter what they all thought of her, she knew that what she had with Sam was real and unbreakable, so she had rushed down to Lima Hospital that night to check on him.
Puck had been the first one to spot her, blocking her path toward the ICU with a hug and a forced apologetic smile. He claimed he was just about to call her, but Quinn knew that was far from the truth. Puck's concern was for Mercedes now, in his eyes Mercedes was the woman that had the right to love Sam. Sue's howls so haunting that Quinn had heard them in her sleep for many nights afterward, Dwight's stiffened exterior, a pillar of calm, only his red rimmed blood shot eyes gave away his true emotions. Will had been there too, ashen gray, visibly trembling, as he tried to maintain professional composure. Quinn could see he was a wreck like the rest of them.
Then she saw him, on a gurney being transported into surgery, eyes closed, hair plastered to his face, coated in thick red blood. Quinn instinctively moved toward him, wanting to touch his face, grab his hand, he looked so lifeless lying there under a blood tinged sheet. But Mercedes had come, and she caressed him the way Quinn longed to, she kissed his lips softly, she held his hand, until she was forced to let go. Never had Quinn felt so alone, as she did standing in the middle of the hospital corridor watching Sam be rolled out of sight, she felt like she'd never see him again, and she had been partially right. Nine months without Sam, had been nothing short of hell, forced to grieve alone for the one man that had always meant so much to her.
"I don't understand," he said against her hair.
"I took you for granted. I always assumed you would come through for me, that you would always be around for me. I never thought much about it, just took it as a given."
"Keep assuming. I'll always be here."
"Like the sun and moon?" she asked running her hand over his chest in slowly circles.
"Artie gave you my message. I wasn't sure if he did or if you would even remember."
She turned on her stomach, her chin resting on his upper chest. "How could I forget my forever?" she asked staring into his eyes.
The corners of his eyes crinkled as he smiled at her. "I didn't know, things could have changed."
"Things did change, but not us." She reached up and ran her hand through his hair, letting the short strands fall through her fingers. "Never us, right?"
"Right," he said closing his eyes and she continued to stroke his hair.
"I hope that stays true," said Quinn dropping her hand.
There was so much he still didn't know about what they had been through. Their friendship survived so much, but Quinn was starting to worry if they could weather it all twice. Sam seemed different this time, his emotions more apparent, his skin not a thickened coat of armor. The blows he endured last go round, might draw blood now.
"We've lasted this long, I can't imagine anything that could make us lose what we have."
"The stakes are higher now. We have Beth."
"I was going to say the connection's greater now because we have Beth. She's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time."
Sam's hands were in her hair again, lifting it up off her shoulder and letting it fall all around them.
"Me too." Quinn smiled, pleased at how fast she offered that response, she finally was starting to feel that connection to her baby again. One day she'd be able to think of Beth without the fears and lingering doubts, like a real mother.
"Now that you're out of the hospital we can spend time together as a family, make up for all that time we lost."
Quinn imagined Sam's words, family time, just the three of them, that was all she had wanted for so long. He was spinning dreams that she longed to be real.
"I wish that were possible."
"It will be possible. You got treatment for your PPD, they can't keep Beth away from you."
"It is a bit more complicated than that." Artie had made it clear, Child Protective Services would put her through rigorous tests before handing her back her daughter. Quinn hoped she'd be able to prove herself worthy.
"I wonder if my father had a hand in doing this to you. I wouldn't put it past him."
"I don't think Dwight was involved."
Losing Beth was solely on her shoulders, she no longer could pretend Dwight had sabotaged her in some way. It was her choices, her actions that had cost her custody of her baby.
"We will fix this Quinn, don't worry. I'm not going to let our child continue to suffer without her mother."
"She doesn't even know me," she said blinking back the tears that filled her eyes.
"I don't believe that. I think bonds like that are unbreakable. Beth has taken to me almost from the first time I held her."
"That's because she knows you."
"Like I said unbreakable bond."
"I think that, and the fact that Mercedes brought her to see you and surrounded her with pictures of you. Your face is familiar to her."
"She didn't do the same for you?"
"I think to a far lesser degree. You are her priority with Beth. I think she was hoping I'd be locked up for years to come."
"I guess she'll be mighty surprised when she sees you."
"You didn't tell her I was coming back?" Quinn asked shocked.
"Nope," he said with a quick shrug of his shoulders.
"Are you sure that's a good idea Sam? Maybe you shouldn't spring something like this on her."
Keeping her return from Mercedes seemed like a bad idea, a really bad idea. Sam might not be aware, but Quinn knew that Mercedes could be quite vindictive when threatened. Quinn was pretty sure Mercedes would take Sam bringing her back as an attack.
"It really has nothing to do with her. This is about what's best for you, me and Beth," said Sam shifting to his side. Quinn mirrored his position, facing him, letting her hand rest on his hip.
"I just don't want to cause you any trouble."
"Let's forget about Mercedes for the rest of the night. I'm so tired of her always popping up in the middle of my life. Can you picture how much better things would be if she weren't around?"
"I've had a thought or two in that area."
If Mercedes were out of the picture they would be free to build a family, the three of them, maybe one day she could be Sam's wife. Quinn knew it was wrong to think such things, Sam had chosen Mercedes and wanted to be with her before the accident, it wasn't right for her to build her hopes on Mercedes's pain.
"So we agree? Just us for the rest of the night?" he asked pulling her close. They were nose to nose, their bodies flush against each other.
"Just us." Quinn smiled liking the idea. "Are we going to watch the movie?"
"We can do whatever you want," he said kissing the end of her nose.
"It's not all about me. I can compromise. Do you want me to find something else?" she asked reaching over to grab the remote from the bedside table.
"I'm not interested in TV."
"Okay," she said turning the television off, leaving them in complete darkness. "It's dark."
"Are you afraid?" he asked against her ear, the warmth of his breath made her shiver.
"How can I fear the night when the stars and the moon shine to keep me company?"
Quinn got up needing to put some space between them. She opened the curtains that covered the large window letting the starlight stream in.
"Remember how we used to look at the stars back in high school?" he asked as he watched her from the bed.
Quinn smiled, hugging herself lightly as she made her way back over to him. "You used to tell me the myths that went with each constellation."
He pulled her down on top of him, rubbing her back as she molded herself to his body. "You're the only one I ever did that with."
Quinn's heart lifted, touched that those starlit nights had been something special between them. "Are you sure? Maybe you've forgotten."
"No, I know you're the only one. When you left…when you went with Puck, I stopped looking up. Stars became just lights, the stories they held, I let those go."
"Sam…" Years had passed and still she felt like she needed to apologize, to make up for hurting him back then.
"I let a lot of things go after you." His voice sounded strained and his arms tensed around her.
"You might have gotten them back since. So much has happened. You were happy Sam," she said putting her hands on both sides of his face.
Perhaps it was because she had been the one that hurt him first, but Quinn needed to tell him that he didn't always feel broken and drifting, that things had gotten better. She needed him to know that he'd found joy again, the light had returned to his eyes. He deserved to know that, even if she hadn't been the one that gave him back that happiness in the end.
"Even though I didn't have you?" he asked running his hands down the length of her back.
"I often think you were happiest without me," she said dropping her head. The truth that she'd caused him more pain than pleasure hitting her hard.
Sam lifted her chin, forcing her to look at him. "I never knew what happy felt like until I fell in love with you.'
"We're not seventeen anymore," she said shaking her head. "As we get older what makes us happy changes."
Quinn wanted to find her joy again, the part of herself she left behind when she graduated. She never wanted to be one of those people that peaked in high school, yet here she was constantly looking back, feeling like the best times were far behind her.
"Not for me. Looking at you now, I feel the same way I did then, when we were in high school."
Quinn climbed off of him and out of the bed, trying to keep her thoughts straight. Sam didn't know what he was saying. His feelings were based on the past. Quinn repeated those facts in her head, willing herself not to get caught up in things that weren't true.
"Sam you don't know what you're saying. I'm different, you're different, our lives have changed."
Sam wouldn't let her run, following her as she paced about the room. He took both of her hands in his, stopping her manic movements.
"I woke up hearing your voice, your face was in my mind as I tried to open my eyes. I could feel you with me the whole time I was in the hospital, like you had left your spirit behind to look after me." Quinn tried to turn away, anything to escape his green eyes. She didn't need to be reminded of how it felt to know he woke up looking for her, she needed to stay focused, keep her mind on the realities of all this. "Don't talk to me about how things have changed when I'm looking into your eyes and feeling like this," he said as he pulled her back to face him, not letting her walk away.
"Feeling like what?" she asked her voice almost a whisper, her pulse pounding in her ears. He was looking at her with such emotion, she could sense the honesty in his eyes.
He smiled, dropping her hands and stepping closer, bridging the gap between them. "Like I could be falling totally in love with you," he said before lowering his head and capturing her lips with his own.