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Lonely This Christmas

It'll be lonely this Christmas, lonely and cold.

It'll be cold, so cold, without you to hold this Christmas.

"Santana, you need to get up. You can't spend the whole day in bed."

"Yes I can, It's Christmas Eve" I reply from under the covers.

"You need to get out of this funk you're in."

"I'm not in a funk, I'm grieving."

"I understand that but you can't let the grief take over your life Santana, I have been gone a month now" Rachel says.

I pull the covers over my head so I can look at her.

"Exactly it's only been a month, you think that's enough time for me to get over the fact that you're dead."

"I'm not saying you need to get over me, I'm just saying you need to accept the fact that I'm gone."

"I have accepted it and I know that you're gone. I knew that you were gone when I was at your funeral and I had people coming up to me, giving me their condolences. I am reminded every single night when I go to bed alone and wake up in the morning to see that you're not there."

"But I am here."

"Are you really? Are you sure that your not just some figment of my imagination. Please tell me this isn't like A Christmas Carol, are you going to tell me you're the ghost of Christmas past?" I ask.

"Now you're just being silly."

"It was just a thought. How else can you explain why you're still here?"

"I think it's because you still haven't let me go and because of that there is still a connection between us, which is still tying me to this world thus preventing me from moving on."

"So if I accept that you're gone then you really will be, why would I do that when I still have you with me."

"Because it's not fair, Santana. I died and I'm stuck between these two worlds when I should be moving on" Rachel explains.

"Well it isn't fair that you left in the first place. You said you would have at least a year, two if you had the surgery but you lied. I wasn't ready to lose you yet."

"I know and I'm sorry but we need to find a way to help me move on."

"Okay, well I'm going to need coffee first" I say.

I drag myself out of bed pulling down NYU t-shirt that I had hardly changed out of since the night Rachel died. At first I wore it because it still smelt like her but eventually I had to wash it and then it became a habit for me to wear it to sleep.

I walk into the kitchen grab a cup of coffee and make my way back to the living room where I find Rachel sat on the couch.

"You've made our apartment depressing. It's Christmas where are all the decorations, you haven't even got a tree up" Rachel says.

"I didn't feel like decorating, I'm not in the mood."

"But you love Christmas."

"I do when I have someone to celebrate it with" I reply.

"You know it's the anniversary of our first kiss in a week" Rachel says.

"Yeah I remember."

*Flashback*

"Kurt invited us to his new years eve party" Quinn says.

"Do we have to go? I don't want to spend new year with Ladylips."

"His annoying, small roommate that you have the hots for will be there."

"So what time is this party?" I ask.

"I knew that would change your mind" Quinn laughs.

"It might be a good opportunity to talk to her alone, if there are a lot of people there I can pull her to one side. The only chance I get to hang out with her is when we go out with Kurt as a foursome."

"Yes but half the time you pretend that they're double dates in your head."

"Shut up, if that was true that would mean you're dating Kurt and I think we both know that you're not his type" I retort.

"Whatever, I have a boyfriend. I don't have to imagine I'm dating someone."

"I'm not imagining anything but just you watch after Hummel's party, you won't be the only one dating somebody."

"Sounding pretty confident there, Lopez" Quinn says.

"I am. Will you help me pick out a dress?"

"Course I will" Quinn laughs.

I don't understand why she keeps laughing at me or why she finds my disastrous love life so funny but along as she helps find a hot as hell dress to impress Rachel then I really don't care.

When we arrive at Rachel and Kurt's apartment, I can already hear the beat of the music through the door. Knowing nobody would hear if I knocked I open the door and walk straight in.

The apartment is filled with people, I hardly know anybody here. I spot Rachel over in the corner talking to a couple of people, she laughs at something they say causing that bright smile to appear on her face.

"Sorry to cut short your staring but I got you a beer" Quinn says handing me a plastic red cup.

"Thanks Q."

Its been nearly an hour now and I still haven't managed to talk to Rachel yet. I have however managed to drink a few more beers, I made sure not to drink too many as I still want to be sober when I talk to her. I thought it would be easy to talk to her with lots of people here, I thought I could take her to one side whilst everybody else carried on talking but since I've been here she hasn't had a moment alone.

The music was loud, the apartment was full and it was getting pretty hot. Quinn had left me as soon as she saw her boyfriend, so I thought I take a moment alone in one of the other rooms.

I let myself into the first room I see and take a seat on the bed, a quick look round tells me I'm in Rachel's room. The framed photo of Barbra Streisand on the dresser was the ultimate give away. I get up and walk over to the dresser there are other photo's, one with Rachel and Kurt and another with Rachel and her Dad's on her graduation day.

"Hello Santana."

I jump at the voice, I didn't even hear the door open.

"Hey. Sorry I didn't mean to intrude, I just wanted to get away from the party for a while."

"That's quite alright, I'm sorry for disturbing you, I just came to get my phone so I can text my Dads at midnight." Rachel says.

She walks over the table next to her bed, she wobbles slightly, I don't think she's properly drunk but she's at least a bit tipsy. She picks up her cell phone from the bedside table and takes a seat on the bed.

"I haven't seen much of you tonight, you look beautiful by the way" I say, taking a seat next to her.

"Thank you Santana, I can safely say you are looking extremely exquisite yourself."

"Thanks. So you having a good time?"

"Yes, It's nice to celebrate with all of my friends but soon they will all be coupling off for midnight."

"The old midnight kiss. So is there anybody special you plan on kissing at midnight?

"There is someone" Rachel replies.

"Oh yeah, who?"

"I think you know who."

Rachel quickly closes the gap between us, connecting our lips in a slow sweet kiss. We don't stop until the need for oxygen becomes too much and I reluctantly pull away.

"Technically that wasn't a kiss a midnight, so you owe me another one" I say.

*End Flashback*

"I never told you this before but Kurt didn't want to throw a new years eve party, I forced him to so I could invite you. When I saw you heading into my bedroom that night I followed you, I wasn't going in there to find my cell phone."

"Well I'm glad you did. I didn't want to go to the party at first until Quinn mentioned that you would be there. I can't believe that was only four years ago, It felts like we have been together a lot longer than that" I say looking at Rachel.

"Were together San, we were together for four years."

"Why would you say something like that?"

"Because this is your problem, whether it's a mistake, just a slip of the tongue you act as if I'm not gone."

"No I don't" I argue back.

"You're so stubborn sometimes. If you keep acting like this I'll never move on."

"What if that's what I want?"

"What do you mean?" Rachel asks.

"What if I don't want you to move on? What if I want you to stay here with me?"

"I have already told you it won't be fair on me. I'm suppose to move on but you won't let me."

"I'm sorry" I say.

"It's okay, I know you're not doing this on purpose and I am glad I got a chance to have a proper goodbye with you. Hopefully together we will be able to help you through you're grief."

I know that she's right, no matter how much I act like I have dealt with my grief, I haven't. I feel like I haven't had time to, It was all so sudden and then the funeral happened and then I just threw myself back into work. I thought If I kept myself busy I wouldn't have to deal with how I was feeling. I always had trouble with feelings, it was something Rachel and I struggled with when we first started dating but eventually I let her in and she slowly broke down my walls.

"So what are we suppose to do?" I ask.

"We can start by sorting through my stuff, half of my clothes are still in the wardrobe."

"I don't want to get rid of your things, it's like I'm throwing you out with them."

"No it's not, you don't need my clothes to remember me by. Get a box and we can give them to good will."

"Fine" I grumble.

I get off the couch and head into the kitchen, luckily we had a spare box after my Mom had brought me a care package. She filled it with food, toiletries and whatever else she thought I needed. Even my own parent's think I can't look after myself, I never realised until Rachel had gone how much I relied on her. A week after she had died I opened the fridge to find that there was no milk, this had never happened before Rachel had always made sure that we were fully stocked on groceries.

Every morning there would always be regular milk sitting right next to her soy milk. That's another thing I missed, the amount of vegan food that used to fill our cupboards, now they are filled with junk food just like the freezer is filled with ready meals.

I grab the cardboard box and walk into the bedroom, Rachel is already sat there waiting for me.

"Start in the wardrobe you don't need all my old clothes, no buts Santana."

I sigh, sometimes it's annoying how well she knows me and knows exactly what I'm going to do or say. It takes over an hour to fill the box and some extra bags with Rachel's things. The wardrobe looks bare, we argued a couple of times when there was something I wanted to keep but eventually one of us gave up, it was like the old times when she wasn't gone.

If anyone had come into my room in that moment they must have thought I was crazy arguing with myself. Hell, for all I know I could be crazy, how many other people still see their girlfriend after they have died.

"There is something I want to show you" Rachel says when I come back into the bedroom after putting the box and bags near the front door.

"At the bottom of the wardrobe there is a black box, get it out."

I rummage through the bottom of the wardrobe and amongst the shoeboxes is a large black box. I sit on the bed and cross my legs, matching Rachel's position on the opposite side of the bed. I place the box in-between us and look at her expectantly.

"Open it. It's my memory box."

I take the lid of slowly and look inside the box. It's filled with photo's of us, old theatre tickets, programmes, Valentines day cards I had sent her and the CD of the songs Rachel had recorded. There were a collection of other things, It was like our whole relationship had been recorded and stored in this box.

I pick up a gold star necklace, and lace the chain through my fingers.

"I bought this for you on our first anniversary, you never look it off once."

"I put it in there the night before the operation to keep it safe, my intention was to get it back out when I was release from hospital but I never go the chance."

"You should have been buried with this. You should have given it to me to keep safe" I tell her.

"Well it's too late for that, at least you can keep it."

"I thought you said I don't need things to remember you by."

"I know but these are special things, they can bring back memories. For example those theatre tickets, you bought them for my birthday and on that night we first said I love you."

"I wondered where you had been hiding this" I say pulling out the old photo of Barbara Streisand.

"Well you wouldn't let me put it up when we moved in together, so I took it out of the frame and put it in there. I then put that photo of us in the frame" Rachel replies pointing to the photo frame on the dresser.

"I can't believe you kept all this stuff, every little thing I ever gave you is in here" I say looking through the box.

"There is one thing I never got the chance to give you."

I get up from the bed and walk over the bed side table, I open the drawer and pull out a small box. I sit back in my position on the bed, open the box and show her the ring inside.

"I bought it months ago, I was waiting to ask you on new years eve. I didn't want it to be a cliché so I was going to do it before midnight just like our first kiss. I kept it in my desk drawer at work because I knew if I left it here you would find it. After everything happened it sort of got pushed to the back of my mind, my biggest regret was that I didn't get the chance to ask you."

"I would have said yes" Rachel says.

"I know, that's why I wasn't scared to ask you. I couldn't wait to be able to call you my wife." I smile

"I think this should go in the box" I close the ring box and place it in Rachel's memory box.

"I know I didn't get the chance to ask you but I'm glad you now know that I wanted to marry you and to spend the rest of my life with you."

"I didn't need a ring for you to tell me that. I already knew, you told me every day whenever you held me or whenever you kissed me. I know it was sooner than we expected but I did get to spend the rest of my life with you."

I smile at her words. She was right, everyday we would show our love for each other, either through words or with small gestures.

"So what do we do now?" I ask.

"I don't know but I think you should at least put some decorations up, it looks awfully drab in here."

"You're Dads brought the decorations round but I just shoved them in the utility cupboard and we don't have a tree."

"I always loved searching for a real tree, looking for the perfect one with the smell of pine in the air."

"I hated it. You always took to long, you spent at least an hour looking for one that wasn't too short, too big, too thin or too wide and then when you found one you'd change your mind."

"Yes and I remember you complaining all the way round, telling me a tree is just a tree and to hurry up and pick one" Rachel smiles.

"Good times. You always did pick a perfect tree and I did enjoy decorating it with you."

We spent the next couple of hours reliving our favourite memories while I manage to decorate the apartment so it looks more festive. Every now and then Rachel would tell me I was putting something in the wrong place, that actually made it feel a lot more like Christmas.

I think she was getting frustrated that she couldn't touch anything, she had that cute little annoyed look on her face every time I put something in the wrong place.

We were now laying on our bed, facing each other like we used to do every night before going to sleep.

"Do you remember those matching Christmas sweaters you got us last year?" I ask.

"Yes, you refused to wear yours out of the house. They weren't in the box, where are they?"

"I threw them in the trash when you told me to pack them in the Christmas box" I smirk.

"Santana! How many other things have you been throwing away when I wasn't looking?" Rachel asks.

"That vegan cookbook, that ugly headband you bought and do you remember that cushion I accidentally spilt red wine on, yeah that wasn't an accident."

"Santana!" she laughs.

"Babe it was the ugliest cushion I have ever seen, I did ask nicely for you to get rid of it but when you refused I had to take matters into my own hands."

"I can't believe in a couple of hours it will be Christmas day."

"I know. Can I tell you something?" I ask.

"Of course."

"I was so angry with you when you died. I was angry that you agreed to have the surgery knowing that you could die. You didn't even talk to me about it, you just agreed and acted like my opinion didn't account for anything."

"You know that's not true. I thought everything would be okay, I know that's no excuse but you need to know I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You made this life changing decision and it cost you your life. You left me and I don't think I forgave you for that."

She looks straight into my eyes, I can see the guilt on her face.

"I never forgave you, until today. After you died I struggled but having you back it's helped me. There were so many things I wanted to say to you or ask you and you being here gave me that chance. I still don't understand what the hell is going on but I'm glad it happened."

"Me too."

"I really wish I could touch you" Rachel whispers, ghosting one of her hands over my cheek.

"I love you so much."

"I love you too" I reply.

The next morning when I wake up, the first thing I notice is that Rachel isn't next to me.

"Rach" I call.

"Rachel are you here?"

When she doesn't reply, I know that she's gone.

Again.

This time is feels slightly easier since we got to have a proper goodbye. I get out of bed and pick up Rachel's memory box, I put it on the bed and take off the lid. I take my NYU t-shirt, neatly fold it up and place it in the box, replacing the lid afterwards. I put it back in it's place in the wardrobe and head for the shower.

I change in to pair of jeans and a warm sweater, it felt odd to wear normal clothes instead of my usual sweats. I slip on a pair of boots, grab my keys and head to the car.

I hadn't been here since the funeral, I was actually quite nervous. I quickly knock on the door before I had chance to change my mind.

"Santana!" Hiram beams when he opens the front door.

"I'm sorry for interrupting but I didn't want to be alone."

"Nonsense come on in, we're glad to see you."

I follow him into the living room, there's a small decorated Christmas tree by the window amongst other Christmas and Hanukah decorations.

"Leroy we have a guest for Christmas."

It doesn't take long for Leroy to pull me into a big bear hug, that's when I notice that they are both wearing matching sweaters a lot like the ones Rachel bought for us.

"Sit down Santana, I'll get you some coffee and then we can open some presents" Hiram says ushering me towards the couch.

A few moments later Hiram returns with a large mug of coffee, he hands it to me before sitting next to me on the couch.

"Present time!"

I can't contain the small laugh that escapes my lips, sometimes Hiram reminds me a lot of Rachel they both have this happy go lucky personality. Rachel was actually a lot like both of her Dads, she was like the best parts and some of the more annoying parts all packed up in one pint-sized diva.

"We wasn't sure what to get you but Rachel helped us out" Leroy says passing me a neatly wrapped gift.

I didn't know what to say, it was all a bit overwhelming. I had spent the last month avoiding anything to do with Rachel, including her Dads when I should have been doing the exact opposite.

It felt nice to feel connected with Rachel again, being with her family in her childhood home. I knew Rachel was here with us, I could feel her not in the way I could see her before but in my heart.

I looked from the present to the smiling faces of Leroy and Hiram and for the first time in a month, I felt that I was going to be okay.

A/N So I decided to turn the sequel to Three Hundred And Sixty Five Days into a Christmas one-shot. I have been sitting on the idea for a while and I even thought of it before 365 Days and now I have finally wrote It.

The lyrics used was from Lonely This Christmas, I think it suited this situation perfectly, if you haven't heard it, then you should listen to it and listen to the words, it's a beautiful song.

Live_Young.