Chapter 51

The sun was starting to set casting shadows on the wall through the parted pink curtains. A little girl lived here, browns and pinks, mixed with baby soft pastels, amongst the lace and frills were hard angled mahogany furnishings. The stars were all around him, barely twinkling on the ceiling, their light dimmed by the sunlight, but the stars on the top of the crib, bright gold on each post, maintained their gild even with the setting sun. Sam remembered the bed, vaguely, more from photos than memory. It had been his once, and now his daughter slept in it. That small piece of legacy filled Sam with pride, a subtle example that he'd left a mark on the world, that he'd created another branch to his family tree, a daughter to carry the Evans name.

"This was my bed," he said gripping one of the thick wooden posts and peering inside. A light green sheet covered in tiny stars was on the bed.

"Your dad had it sent over."

Sam turned startled to hear someone respond to him. He had almost forgotten Mercedes was in the room with him.

"This mural?" he asked walking over to stand in front of the vibrantly painted wall.

Sam swept its expanse with his eyes, trying to take in as many details as he could. In one corner there was a castle surrounded by stars, forests and wildlife along the bottom, and at the end a little cottage, colorful and whimsical.

"Sue had it done. It's based on a story I tell Beth about her castle in the stars."

Beth had a home here, in this house that held little meaning to him. There was a permanence to a mural, as if they had intended for Beth to stay in this place, and grow up here.

"Is it from a book?" he asked, still staring at the mural.

"No I made it up. I wanted her to understand why her mommy and daddy weren't around."

Sam looked at Mercedes then, trying to make sense of all her contradictions. She loved his daughter, even though her very existence probably should hurt her.

"You'll have to tell it to me one day."

"Sure," she said, looking past him to the mural.

"What's with all the bears?" He noticed the large pile of them in the corner, precariously stacked in a mound over six feet tall.

"Beth's a very loved little girl." Mercedes's large eyes filled with tears, a sadness falling over her, before she turned away.

"They were gifts?" There felt like something important was dangling in front of him and he couldn't get close enough to reach it.

"We donated most of them, but people kept sending her bears," she answered from the window.

"Was this because of what happened with Quinn. " He paused, swallowing the lump in his throat. "And the river?" Sam felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. Mercedes didn't need to answer. He already knew what she would say.

"In a sense, the town really came together and embraced Beth. Her story touched people."

"There's something you're not saying." Questions perched on the tip of his tongue, but something held him back from asking any of them.

"It's hard to talk about. Did Quinn mention any of this to you?"

Mercedes was waiting for him to say something, as if she knew what he wanted to ask. A light flashed in his mind and he saw Beth's face, blue, frozen and still. Her body was wrapped in a blanket, cradled in Quinn's arms, floating in the icy river. Sam shuddered, pulling himself from his crazy thoughts. It didn't happen like that, both Beth and Quinn were safe.

"She said there were photos of me up all over Beth's room," he finally replied.

"She did? How would she know that? She's hasn't been in here since it was redecorated."

"Someone must have told her about it then."

Shelves covered the walls, books tucked here and there, a figurine or two, and pictures, rows of framed pictures covered the remaining space. Pictures of him, mostly as an adult, but some from when he was a child, and as a teen, it was as if his mom's photo album spilled out all over the shelves and the walls.

"Right. I'm sure that's it." She didn't sound convinced. What did it matter that Quinn knew about the room? She's her mother, she should know about where Beth lived.

"Did you do all of this? Put up all these photos?" he asked, pointing at the wall.

Looking embarrassed, she nodded. "I wanted Beth to know her father, know your face, for when you came back to us."

"Mercedes why did you keep Beth?"

She quickly raised her head. "You know why. Quinn couldn't take care of her."

Mercedes leaned back against the window sill, blocking the little light that was coming into the room. Sam watched her, even though she was looking at the floor, hoping an answer would magically pop up above her head and clear up his confusion. Everything in the room felt wrong, it didn't match with his image of her. The woman he thought he knew, the one that had lied to him, wanted to drop him for another guy, crashed their car, she wouldn't do this, take in his baby and create this space, this virtual holding pattern, his life in stasis. The person that decorated this room, and put up all these photos was waiting for him to come home, and wanted him back. And that just didn't fit, because that wasn't his wife, Mercedes didn't feel that way.

"So what? You volunteered to take in the baby I had with another woman? Something doesn't make sense." Sam shoved his hands in his pockets as he stepped closer to the shelves, feeling a bit odd at seeing so many pictures of himself on display.

Mixed between all the other photos there were a few of Quinn. Three to be exact. Two were of Quinn alone, both seemed to be fairly recent, Quinn smiling brightly into the camera, looking happy, and so beautiful. Then there was the third picture, it was of the two of them, Quinn in a blue gown, him in a suit. Sam couldn't remember this event, probably something that happened in the time he lost, maybe when they were seeing each other after the crash.

Sam thought back to the night before when Quinn had shot down his dreams and told him to go home to his wife and Beth. So he respected her wishes and here he was at his so-called home, in his daughter's room, wishing that it could be transported to a house that he shared with Quinn instead. They should be the ones living together married. They should have been the ones to paint her a mural, and tell her a special story. It was as if the universe had flipped and he was trapped in this new reality where he could have the family and home he always wanted but only with the wrong woman in the role of wife. Fate was cruel to do this to him, to wake him up to a place where he couldn't be with the mother of his daughter, the woman he had loved for so long. His father was chaining him to a life with Mercedes, a life that he should be living with Quinn. Did his dad think love was interchangeable? If he was plopped down into a house with a wife and his daughter that he'd just forget about all he felt for Quinn? Love didn't work that way he couldn't just swap his affections to the nearest warm body.

"What doesn't make sense? We didn't want Beth to go into care. Quinn grew up around that and she didn't want that for her daughter."

"Quinn asked you to take her?" Sam shook his head. "The way she was talking…"

"Quinn didn't protest. I think she knew it was the best option. Beth knew me already anyway."

Quinn didn't want Mercedes with Beth, he could tell. What had changed between then and now?

"She told me you helped deliver her."

Mercedes smiled as she straightened up a few things on Beth's dresser. "Yep. Some final exam from nursing school, delivering a baby on the side of the road. I'm glad my dad showed up when he did. I probably would have fainted if I had to cut the cord."

"You don't seem like the squeamish type." She seemed really solid and deceptively strong. He couldn't see a little blood throwing her off.

"I was nervous. A baby was depending on me. so that made it even more stressful."

"You thought she was your family, is that why you did all of this?" It made more sense if Mercedes had taken Beth in thinking she was Puck's child, but she knew she wasn't, and she still gave her a home. Sam didn't know what to make of that. Not many women would take care of a baby their husband had during an affair.

Hurt and anger flashed in her eyes. "Beth is my family."

"I meant you thought she was Puck's at first right?"

"We found out she was yours at the hospital. Beth had a panel done and some things didn't match up."

"Had to be a shock," he said taking a seat in the old wooden rocking chair. There was a table next to the chair with a small lamp, another photo of him that he didn't recognize, and a snowglobe with a tiny pink castle inside.

"I felt like such an idiot. I had forgiven you for sleeping with Quinn the night of the accident, and when I found out Quinn was pregnant with my Puck's child I tried to make peace with her too. Puck is like my big brother, so I wanted our family to heal you know? I tried to help Quinn out during her pregnancy. Get her some things for the baby, some books on prenatal care. It was hard because I was also taking care of you, but I was trying."

"What happened when you found out Beth was my daughter? How did you handle it?"

Mercedes sat on the windowsill, again casting the room in shadows. "What's with all the questions Sam? I don't resent Beth now if that's what you're getting at."

"I know you don't resent her. I can tell you love her. That's what I'm trying to figure out. Why are you doing this? Isn't she a constant reminder of what Quinn and I did?"

"Beth is such a sweet baby, she's completely innocent in all this. It's not her fault that her parents were selfish idiots that destroyed my life," she said, tearing up.

"That's a pretty harsh assessment of me and Quinn. You seem to be doing pretty well from the looks of things. You finished school, you have a job, got friends. Quinn on the other hand was locked away from all the people that love her, including her own daughter. Your life seems pretty damn good in comparison."

"You're right. Why am I complaining? The man I loved almost died and was in a coma for months, but that didn't matter because I had a job."

Her nose looked raw from crying and she was shivering, hugging herself to keep warm. Sam stood up, taking off his jacket and walked over to the window. He grabbed Mercedes by the shoulders, lifting her away from the window slightly, to wrap his jacket around her.

"Quit the sarcasm and be honest. Admit this whole wifey thing is an act," he said shaking her shoulders lightly, before letting her go and moving away. "You took care of me and you took care of Beth because you were guilty and you were trying to save face with my family. Probably were afraid they'd cut you off and leave you without my money."

"You say another word Sam and I swear to God I'll hit you," said Mercedes clearly pissed.

Sam steeled himself to be hit in the face with his jacket, but was surprised when it didn't come hurdling toward him. Instead she put her arms in the sleeves and pulled it closed. "You don't know the hell I've lived through, my whole life, and then finally I landed in Lima and I married you and I was finally happy, then just like that it was gone."

"Seems to me you made it all go away," he said pivoting to stare at the mural. "Maybe if you hadn't married me when Shane didn't respond to your message, you'd be happy now. We all would be."

Sam had no clue what really went down between him and Quinn during the years he had forgotten, but he couldn't believe that he would just let her go for some other girl. Even still, they had always found a way back to each other, maybe if he hadn't married Mercedes he would have gotten another chance with Quinn sooner. It didn't seem right that he missed out on so much time with Quinn to be with a woman that would marry him even when she wanted someone else. And how did he let something like that happen to him again? Hadn't he learned that lesson well enough with Brittany? Apparently not, and history had repeated itself once again in his life.

"I keep telling you I married you because I love you."

A convincing little performance she was giving, tears, clenched fists, a raised voice, but Sam wasn't falling for it. She was lying like she always did.

"I don't believe you Mercedes. Your every action says the opposite. You didn't want me, you got stuck with me."

"You got me. I am stuck. I could be living it up in North Carolina with Shane right now. He asked me to go you know?" She got up from the sill, walking back forth along the width of the room as she spoke, her thick brown legs rubbing against his navy jacket. "And Shane would never treat me like this. He's a good honest man, that doesn't cheat or lie. But I was too stupid to appreciate him, I had to choose to be with a man that hurt me over and over, that cheated on me, had a baby with someone else, and lied to me for months."

If this Shane guy was so wonderful, she should have him. Pack her bags and leave town, it would solve all of Sam's problems. His father wouldn't be able to force him to stay married to a woman that had moved on with someone else. It was an even better ploy than using Finn Hudson, because Shane lived out of state, his father would have no choice but to stay out of his life with Quinn.

"Here's your chance Mercedes. You can head on down south right now. No one's stopping you."

Mercedes stopped dead still in the center of the room and glared at him, ignoring the rush of tears falling down her face, her whole body shaking as she sobbed.

"I'm stopping me. You're stopping me. I can't go. I love you so much. I don't want to live my life without you."

His gut twisted as he watched her cry, a soggy mess smothered in purple, her black curls wild all over her head. Sam couldn't stop himself from going to her, he bent at the knee slightly to get to her eye level, and he wiped the tears from her cheeks with his fingers.

"You were divorcing me," he said when her crying calmed.

He didn't know where to put his hands, feeling awkward about what he had just done. He was so angry with her, but he knew if she took one step closer he would have her in his arms, and he hated that.

"You hurt me. You were my whole life and you were lying to me. How could I stay with you after all that?"

"Yet here you are, still married to me," he said crossing his arms.

She cut her eyes at him. If looks could kill, he'd be a goner. "Go to hell Sam."

"Just admit all of this is about your guilt and we can move on."

"I used to think it was about guilt too, and that was the reason I was sticking around. I left that message, I caused the accident, and really most of this mess got started because of me. Then I found out Beth was your daughter. I got up walked out of that hospital and I swore I was never coming back. It was too much. Shane was there, trying to make me feel better, like he always was."

"I bet," he muttered under his breath.

"This time I took him up on his offer, let him comfort me for once. We went back to his place, had a few drinks, and ended up in bed."

"I get the picture. I don't need to hear anymore." He already had the image of her sleeping with Finn playing in his mind, he didn't need to add her with this dick to the reel.

"I didn't sleep with him. I wanted to, more than anything, because I knew if you ever found out it would kill you, and I wanted to hurt you, to get you back for all the ways you broke my heart, but I couldn't do it. Every time he touched me or kissed me I wished it was you." She was crying, staring off at a photo of him from when he was in the Army.

"Do you expect me to believe that nothing happened? That you just got up and forgave me again? After all that?" As if he could believe she would give up a man like that for him, especially after he'd cheated on her.

"Actually I don't expect you to believe it. Why would you? It's like you said I was divorcing you, and in the car even after you pleaded with me to give you another chance, you were hurt and had difficulty breathing, but you never stopped trying to get me to admit I loved you, and I said nothing. Denied you at every turn, let you believe that there was no chance for us again. Then you fell from the car, and that was all I wanted to say – how much I loved, that I wanted you, that we did have a chance to make things work, but you couldn't hear me. So why should you believe me now when I say I love you? I'm just too late."

"Why didn't you say this in the hospital when I woke up?" Sam didn't know what to believe, it all sounded good but her motives were suspect. He was back on his feet, she had to pretend to care, to stay in his good graces.

"The doctors didn't want me to overwhelm you at first, and I figured telling you I had a change of heart about our marriage would be a bit much after a 9 month coma, so I waited. Then when you started communicating, it was about Quinn."

"So you decided to punish me for that."

"Punish you? I was the one you forgot. If anyone was being punished it was me."

"You let me think I was alone! I woke up thinking no one cared, that I was seriously ill and the only woman in my life was my mother." He didn't care about the other guy, the accident, that stuff sucked but it didn't hurt as much as knowing he was married to a woman that didn't love him.

"I was with you the whole time Sam."

She had been there and Sam had felt a camaraderie with her, they both were alone, left behind without love. She was a good friend, and he had leaned on her, but the whole time he was wishing for more, hoping that some woman that loved him would come breezing through the door. In his dreams it was Quinn, but if it couldn't be her, he would have welcomed anyone.

"But you didn't claim me! You didn't tell me you were my wife, that you loved me, that you missed me, nothing. You just acted like my nurse." Sam ran his hand down his face, turning his back to her.

God, he wished he didn't care. He felt so weak even saying the words, but he woke up confused, knowing something was seriously wrong and no one was there, just strangers. All Mercedes had to do was throw her arms around him and tell him he was safe and okay. That was all he needed and she didn't do it, no one did. It had hurt to realize that he was so alone.

"I explained that to you."

"Your explanation doesn't make it hurt any less. In the hospital you were there, always with that big smile. I looked forward to seeing it, I got addicted to your smile. I thought you were feeling alone like me, running from a bad marriage, hiding out with your patient that maybe you'd gotten a little too attached to because you were new to the whole objectivity thing. I confided in you about how I wished I had someone there that loved me, about my feelings for Quinn, and the whole time you just sat there and said nothing."

He felt like such a fool, just thinking about how she was probably playing him, using his pain like a weapon, made to pay him back for cheating on her with Quinn.

"I couldn't," she said, her voice sounding so small behind him.

He faced her, no longer caring if she saw how much this affected him. "Yes you could. You chose not to. We were so close that night Mercedes. I felt like we had a connection, that we had found something special."

"We do have a connection."

"No. It wasn't real. It couldn't have been. We almost made love and you know it was about more than just getting off. Couldn't you tell how I felt about you?" he asked, his voice cracking.

"Yes. I thought, maybe," she said, unable to meet his eyes.

"You knew. And still you didn't say a word. What if we had slept together? Would you even have told me then?"

She looked at him then, watery brown eyes, trying to make him understand. "Sam, I'm so sorry," she said, rubbing his arm.

Sam flinched away. "Don't touch me. Just don't." It was too late for her comfort now. She could keep it.

"You don't remember me Sam. How would knowing I was your wife when you first woke up make things any better?"

Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference, but he would have known someone was there, that someone had been waiting for him to come back.

"At least I'd know someone cared, that I had a life worth coming back to."

"A family," she said sniffling back tears.

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize…" she said, her head falling.

He cut her off, not wanting to hear her weak apologies. "Don't worry about it, things worked out for the best, turns out I do have a family waiting on me, Quinn and Beth."

That was probably the wrong thing to say and would probably make it even harder to win her over, but Sam couldn't bring himself to care. Sam didn't need her and if it wasn't for his father's damn deal he wouldn't be here now. He wanted Mercedes to know that he didn't need her in his life and that all her tears and apologies didn't matter to him. He knew now that he had other people in his life that wanted him.

"You've got me too. Even if you don't want to believe it. You do."

Just words, he didn't even look up, when he heard her leave. It was so hard to trust anything she said but when he looked around the room, it was staring him in the face. He'd been trying to ignore it, denying any thoughts about how his wife might really feel. It was easier that way, to ignore the fact that he was the source of her pain. There were moments when it was so clear she loved him. He could see it in her eyes, he knew she was hoping the feelings he once had would come back. Then she'd do something else or another one of her deceptions would be revealed and Sam was left doubting her again. Not that it mattered if she loved him or not, he didn't return those feelings, he loved Quinn, but a part of him just couldn't let it go, he wanted to understand this strange little person he had married. She seemed so wrong in so many ways, someone he never would have chosen to be with, and yet there was this spark, shimmering like gold beneath the surface, drawing him in.