Chapter 53
She came to screaming. Pain radiating through her chest, her head heavy, her vision fogged, and there was Beiste. Touching her hair, telling her something terrible had happened but everything was okay. Sam wasn't there and screams turned to howls as she just knew that he was dead. It was their wedding day and Sam was dead. In reality it didn't happen quite like that, she was coaxed awake by Beiste's gentle tone, her cloudy mind slowly recalled the happiness of marrying Sam, then the pain came, along with the realization that Sam was gone. It was the dreams she had, since that day, increased in frequency after Sam's accident, that jumbled up the facts in her mind. Sam hadn't been dead, just in the hospital, but her brain liked to forget that during her nightmares. The nightmares liked her screams, liked her alone and scared, without Sam.
The things Sam had just told her brought all that up in her mind, sleep wasn't necessary, she had perfected reliving horrors with her eyes wide open, a cruel byproduct of a photographic memory, she was never able to forget. Had Sam been screaming in his mind, when he came out of the coma? Was he lost and alone, searching for her? Maybe the amnesia came because she didn't step up, show her emotions fully, give him all her love the way she had wanted to. She hadn't said the words, her doubts and fears causing her to hesitate in the hospital when he woke up, just as they did in the car the night of the accident when he pleaded with her.
A persistent chill, like being soaked by cold rain, made her shiver, as she stood in the middle of her bedroom in her black strapless low back slip, staring at the dress on the bed. Through her tears she had decided on this one, out of the three she had bought that morning, strapless, green, a slight shimmer when it hit the light. The dress was pretty, perfect for a party, if only Mercedes could bring herself to put it on. How could she think about parties when Sam had just told her that he felt abandoned and unloved in the hospital? A sharp pain ran through her chest, just as it had when he told her. She felt stabbed and beaten, knocked down, she'd done to him the one thing she never wanted, what she had worked so hard to protect Beth from, that feeling of loneliness, so deep you can't escape, when there is no hope for rescue, when it's just you and the dark. The place Mercedes had been most of her life, with her mother, with all those men, there was no love, just pain.
She feared Beth had felt it cold and alone in the woods, she spent every day since trying to make sure she never remembered. She had done the same for Sam. All her efforts, her rituals to combat the dark, someone always by his bedside, the constant hum of the TV, conversations about anything and everything just so he would know that someone was there, that he wasn't forgotten, that he wasn't alone. She'd done everything in her power to keep Sam in the present, with the living, followed every rule preached at those seminars, she'd done everything right, except for one thing. The most obvious thing of all, she hadn't made him feel loved when he finally came back.
Mercedes choked as the sobs racked her body, unable to contain the little composure she had left. She was no better than her mother basing love on conditions, withholding her affections until all debts were paid. Mercedes had done that to Sam, when she held back with him when he first came out of the coma. She was nervous about the status of their relationship, thinking about how she never told him she wanted another chance before he lost consciousness, jealous that he had responded to Quinn. She could blame it all on the doctors or the delicate nature of his condition, but the truth was she held back because she didn't know if he would reciprocate her feelings. Just like her mom, she wanted something in exchange for her love. She was such a hateful excuse for a person, she deserved to be forgotten, to be pushed aside, her feelings ignored. It was almost too light of a sentence after all she'd done to Sam, going back to that message she left, and Shane.
She had wrecked it all, chipped away at their happiness bit by bit until there was nothing left but battered bones, then she buried the remains with Sam, imprisoning him in a nine month coma, chaining herself to his side in penance, begging him to come back to her, and love her again, only to turn her back on him when he actually did return. She'd fooled herself into thinking she'd changed, tried to believe that there was good inside her because of her father, but she should have known better, once poison enters the blood it is hard to remove, and Keisha Jones had infected her for years. Biology didn't matter, once the damage set in.
Mercedes went to the window when she heard a car idling nearby. She figured it was Daley coming to get Sam, he would have called him by now to get away from her and the place that used to be their home together. She strained to see the car, but the trees obstructed her view, so she returned to her dress, stepping into it so she could run downstairs and look out the kitchen door. Mercedes struggled with the zipper on the back of her dress, she could get it up half way and then no more. She'd have to get Kurt to help her when he came by to pick her up, now she needed to get downstairs. Getting down on her knees to search for her slippers under the bed, her zipper slid down, eliminating the small progress she had made. Thoroughly annoyed, she put on her pink slippers, not bothering to zip her dress again. Mercedes rushed to the window again when the car sounded like it was pulling away, the glow of lights were visible on the street and the sounds of the car began to fade. She let her forehead hit the cold glass. She guessed she missed him, not that it mattered, it wasn't like she was going to give him some grand send-off, she just wanted to know, that he had made it out safely.
Cool hands on the small of her back, she could feel his thumbs on her spine, resting there with gentle pressure. She hadn't even heard him approach, probably because she hadn't expected him to come. Why would he even want to look at her after everything she had done? Mercedes continued to stare out of the window into the darkness of the early evening, not daring to turn to face Sam fearing he would disappear if she did.
"Do you need help with this?" he asked, his fingers remaining on her back.
"I couldn't reach it," she said still looking out of the window, her breath creating condensation against the glass.
He slowly eased the zipper closed, his other hand on her waist, holding her steady. Sam moved away from her when he finished, taking a step back. "So this is our room?"
"Yeah. We haven't been in here together for a long time, since that night…" she hesitated, struggling to get a handle on her emotions.
So many nights in their room, alone and missing him, she had thought about it, their last piece of happiness, the calm before the storm that would consume them. Moments ago, it was like déjà vu, Sam's hand on her back, helping her with her zipper.
He came out of the bathroom in black dress slacks, his pale blue shirt unbuttoned, his hair falling in his face, damp from the shower. She had just finished her hair, the curls cascading down her back. She was slipping into her short black dress when he stepped beside her.
"We're going to be late. What took you so long in there?" Mercedes asked as she slid her arm into her sleeveless dress.
"It takes time to perfect this look," he said his eyes crinkling as he smiled.
"Yeah right. I swear you take longer in the bathroom than most women." She ran her fingers through his damp hair affectionately before tugging him closer by his open shirt and placing a quick kiss on his lips.
"Who cares if we're late? I rented out the private room at BreadStix. We can arrive any time we want."
"I know but I want to hurry up and get to my surprise. Help me with my zipper."
"Yes my love," he moved her hair aside, and planted a feather soft kiss on her shoulder, before focusing on her zipper.
When his motions stilled, Mercedes twisted to look at him. "What's wrong?"
"You're wearing the blue."
"You like?" she asked suggestively.
She felt Sam run his hands across her bare back, his thumbs following the column of her spine, stopping just beneath the clasp of her teal blue bra. "You know it's my favorite."
"You can enjoy imagining it under my dress all night. Now zip me up so we can go."
"I never had much of an imagination," he said turning her around and sweeping her up into his arms. "I'm going to enjoy you in this right now."
"What about our reservations?"
"If you really wanted to eat, you should have known better than to wear my favorite lingerie," he said, his voice laced with desire as he adjusted her in his arms.
"Sam –"He leaned in and kissed her fully cutting off her words as he carried her over to their bed.
The difference was that night he had wanted her, now he couldn't get away quick enough. Mercedes turned her attention back to the present, Sam was back in their bedroom, but he didn't bring the happiness they lost with him.
"What night?" he asked, moving closer. Mercedes could feel his chest graze her back.
"The night I found out you slept with Quinn," she said finally turning to look at him.
"Oh," he said, his face falling. "When was that?"
"Early late last spring, about a month or so before the accident. We had dinner reservations at BreadStix."
"That sounds nice," said Sam with a small smile.
"It was. You rented out the private room and you had my favorite band serenade me via satellite from their concert."
They had made their own magic, a night like they would have had on the honeymoon they never got to take, complete with sparkling wine, staring into each other's eyes, music filling the room. Mercedes remembered his eyes were so green, vibrant that night, everything was brighter in fact. They could have been in Paris or at the pub, and Mercedes wouldn't have cared. She was with Sam, he was all she needed for a perfect night.
"What band?" he asked pulling Mercedes from her memories.
"Lifehouse." They were deleted from her Ipod now, she could no longer stand to hear them sing.
"That was pretty sweet of me, sounds like I wanted to impress you," said Sam, hands in his pockets, rocking on his heels.
"You were very sweet. That night you had a surprise for me."
"What was the surprise?" Sam slowly walked around the room, taking it all in, but not touching anything.
"I don't know. I never got it. My dad and Quinn came rushing in and that was that." Mercedes took a seat at her vanity, frowning when she saw her reflection in the mirror. She was an ashy eye sore.
"That's when you found out? During our romantic dinner?"
"We were just about to dance, something we never got a chance to do, not even at our wedding. You passing out from sort of kills the festive mood." She tried to laugh it off, attempting to make it all seem less depressing, but she couldn't. Her wounds were still too raw.
"I don't even know what to say. Everything you tell me about us sounds horrible. When did we have time to be happy with all this?" Sam asked sitting on the bed, shaking his head in disbelief.
Even now it still hurt. The look of pure rage on her father's face as he beat Sam mercilessly, Quinn's hysterical screams, all while Lifehouse continued to play 'Falling In', the soundtrack to the horror unfolding before her eyes.
"Every morning I woke up next to you, I was happy. Guess I'm easy to please." The tears were back burning her eyes. Mercedes wondered how she had any left after so many months of crying.
"You can't say things like that," he said looking at her, his eyes filled with something she couldn't quite read.
"Why not? It's the truth." Their eyes locked, and Mercedes could see the pain in Sam's eyes. He didn't believe her.
"You wanted someone else. You couldn't have been happy," he said, never dropping his eyes, daring her to dispute him.
He wouldn't let that go, despite her explanations, though she couldn't really blame him for being skeptical. Looking at things from the outside, it did seem like she settled for Sam because Shane didn't get her voicemail in time.
"I hurt you so much. I know I deserve all of this, you forgetting me, you not wanting me. I get that now."
"Mercedes…" he said, sounding weary.
She got up and stood in front of where he sat on the bed, wringing her hands as she spoke. "You can punish me as much as you need, take it all out on me. I don't care, but please don't try to take away what we had, to diminish us. I know our love was real. I could feel it. And that love, those memories of the way we used to be, that's all I have left of us. It's all I have to hold onto. I need it. I know you want to push me out, bring in Quinn and have your life with her and Beth."
"It's not as simple as that," he said roughly running his hand through his hair.
Mercedes reached out to still that restless hand that had gone from his hair to his face, but she stopped herself, retracting her arm. "But it is. Quinn and Beth are everything you want."
"Not everything," he said rising to his feet and looking into her eyes.
"What else do you want?" Her throat was raw and her voice was hoarse from her tears.
"I almost left you know." Sam walked over to the window. "I picked up the phone and was dialing Daley."
"I thought you'd gone. I heard a car outside and I thought it was you."
"I couldn't do it. I had to come back up here and see if you were all right."
"I'm fine," she said trying to pull herself together. The last thing she wanted was his pity.
"No you're not. You've been in here crying. Your eyes are red, your face is all puffy, and it bothers me. I want to know why."
Mercedes shrugged. "You have a big heart, filled with compassion."
"I should hate you," he said studying her from the window.
"I wouldn't blame you if you did. I know I'm an awful person. Most days I hate myself."
"Don't say that. You're not an awful person. You've taken great care of Beth, she's so happy. She loves you."
Sam slowly moved toward her, while Mercedes backed away, maneuvering around the bed to head to the door. He was playing her again. Mercedes didn't know what he was up to, but she knew she couldn't handle his games, not now, not after all that had been said.
"I'm the one that gives her bottles, she has no choice but to love me," she chuckled, still backing toward the door.
She was almost there, when Sam grabbed her hand, stopping her in her tracks.
"I saw her room, and that mural. You do a lot more than just feed her. You've given her a great life, a home."
"We were just waiting for you. You're the person she needs. I don't matter."
"You matter to me," he said squeezing her hand.
He was being deliberately cruel, playing with her emotions, giving her false hope. "No I don't Sam. You're just saying that. You feel sorry for me or you're trying to mess with my head. I don't know which. I just know you don't care."
Sam shook his head, his eyes never leaving hers, so green and intense. "In the hospital while I was being poked and prodded, you held my hand, let me squeeze it when they took blood or each time they did their painful tests."
"I was just doing my job, any nurse would've done the same," she said averting her gaze, trying to ignore how his hands had moved to her bare shoulders.
"You listened to me go on about my hopes, my fears, about Quinn. I felt like I could tell you anything and you'd understand. You were there for me completely." Sam took her face in his hands, tilting her head upward. "How could I not care about you?"
Mercedes pushed Sam away, needing some space, to clear her head. "Something changed. You stopped caring, and you shut me out." It sounded nice, but she couldn't trust it. He'd made it clear he didn't want her around.
"Because of Quinn and Beth, they need me and you…"
"I'm in the way," she said completing his thought.
Sam shoved his hands in his pockets. "That's what it felt like at first. I couldn't see how you fit."
"I don't fit, that's the problem. I'm in the way of the life you want. I don't want to do that to you. That's why I need to leave, so you can be happy." Mercedes sat back at the vanity, hastily running a brush through her hair, yanking on the curls she had spent so long creating. "So it is all settled. I'm just going to finish getting dressed."
"So that's it?" Sam asked from behind her. "You were with me all through my coma and now you're just going?"
Mercedes continued to brush her hair, not allowing herself to look at his reflection in the mirror. She couldn't look at him, or she'd break. "It's the right thing to do."
"So I was right. You are a liar."
"What?" Mercedes turned sideways in her chair. "I'm not lying to you."
"You told me in Beth's room that you loved me and that you didn't want to live your life without me, but that was all lies. If you meant that you wouldn't just walk away."
It didn't make any sense. She was giving him what he wanted, his freedom, a chance to be with Quinn, what he had told her he wanted so many times, but now he was acting like she was hurting him somehow.
"You don't want me," she said turning back to her mirror, and the mess she'd made of her hair.
"There's something between us." Sam crouched down behind her, placing his hand on her shoulder, watching her reaction in the mirror. "Are we just going to ignore that?"
It was like the hospital never happened for Sam, the moment he found out he had a daughter with Quinn, everything was pushed to the background after that.
"You've been doing a great job ignoring it so far," she snapped, moving her shoulder away from his hand.
Sam roughly pulled the chair away from the vanity into the middle of the floor.
"What the hell are you doing? I need to finish getting ready. I'm going to be late."
He bent down to her eye level, his hands on her thighs. "You think I give a damn about your date. We are going to sit here and face this."
"Face what Sam?" asked Mercedes crossing her arms. "I'm letting you go. You don't have to pretend you're not overjoyed. I just know you're doing a happy dance in your mind, probably already planning how you will share the wonderful news with Quinn. Will you be bringing flowers? Or how about chocolates? She won't get treats like that where…"
"Shut up and listen to me," he said cutting her off. He reached around his neck and pulled up the chain that held his wedding band, letting it fall against his shirt. "When I put this ring around my neck, I saw us."
"What are you talking about?"
He took a deep breath, and bowed his head. "In my mind, with a flash of light, I saw us lying together on the floor, the sunlight was coming in through the window. We'd just made love and I was happy. I thought it was something I made up, maybe a weird interpretation of that night we spent together at the hospital. I let it fade from my mind. Then when I was in Beth's room, standing by the window, after you left, I saw it again, that image of us." Sam looked up, squeezing her thighs, like she was the only thing keeping him grounded. "Am I hallucinating or did that really happen Mercedes?"
Mercedes' throat went dry and her heart felt like it had stopped beating. It all went silent around them, and all she could see was his eyes, searching for answers.
Almost in a trance she answered, letting the memories of their life flood her mind. "Before it became Beth's room it was empty. Sometimes in the early morning we would creep in there and lie on the floor and stare out the window."
"To watch the sunrise," he said slowly, getting up and stumbling back to sit down on the bed. He stared at the floor, so quiet, his hands in his short blonde hair.
Was this actually happening? Was her Sam finally coming back?
"Sam, I think you had a memory about us," said Mercedes, a slow smiling spreading on her face.
Sam shoved his hands into his pockets and stared up at the ceiling, wishing the roof would open and suck him out of the room. He had a memory, a real memory, instead of being excited about the possibilities of this turn of events, Sam was apprehensive. He felt like he could jump out of his skin, feeling very uneasy. "I need some water. Are there cups in the bathroom?"
"In the medicine cabinet," she said pointing toward the darkened bathroom from the bed.
The bathroom was blue, a good size, with a separate shower and tub, his and her sinks. One side was cluttered with makeup, soaps, perfumes, very feminine, definitely Mercedes. The other side was neat, a bar of soap, a brand new unopened toothbrush in a cup holder, a bottle of aftershave. This side was his. Sam opened the medicine cabinet and found the cups, as well as a number of very masculine items, razors, shaving cream, a box of condoms. If he didn't know better he would think Mercedes lived here with a man, while he was in the hospital.
"So all that stuff in there was mine?" he asked as he entered the bedroom, sipping his tiny cup of water. "The razor, the toiletries, the toothbrush?"
"Yeah. It's our bathroom."
"You know you could have spread out your stuff while I was gone. I wasn't using any of it," he said eyeing her reaction, as he took one last gulp of his water.
"Never knew when you were coming back, I wanted to be ready." Sam shot her a questioning look. She knew he was in a coma, what had she been waiting around here for? "Don't look at me like that, I wasn't crazy, just hopeful," she added softly.
"We were breaking up before the accident. I didn't still live here did I?" He tossed his cup into a nearby trashcan, before taking a seat on the chair in front of her vanity.
Mercedes shook her head, hair flying. "I kicked you out. Packed most of your stuff and had it shipped to your dad. Then the accident happened and I came home to a half empty room and I freaked out. Went to the mansion and got all of your things and brought them back here, put them back where they belonged."
They both looked around the room, half filled with his stuff, the pieces of his life. On the wall, on each side of the closet door hung his autographed Magic Johnson and Shaquille O'Neal Lakers jerseys, that he had gotten personally signed during a trip to Los Angeles for his 17th birthday. Perched on the bedside table, the side of the bed he assumed was his, sat his marble bust of Elvis Presley, that his father had given him when he was about five years old. There were pictures scattered around the room, on walls, on the dresser, and on the nightstand of him and Mercedes, one of his mom, and an old one of himself with Puck as kids. There was even a photo of him after basic training in the Army, with his buzz cut and overly tanned skin. He had once lived here, there was no disputing that.
"It feels like you thought I would just walk back through the door." Everything was perfectly in place, his belongings undisturbed, while hers were tumbled and tossed from daily use.
"I did think that. I imagined you coming home so many times."
"The reality must be a huge disappointment for you." The guilt hit him as it always did when he looked too long at her. Mercedes wanted him to be someone he couldn't be anymore.
"I never imagined you forgetting me." She laughed, though her eyes were filled with tears. "I always thought we'd pick up where we left off. Pretty silly of me I know."
"I don't think it's silly. It makes sense. You wanted your life back. And who am I to judge? I woke up expecting to jump back into things with Quinn, not knowing three years had gone by."
Sam had been trying not to think about Quinn, wanting to block the fact that she had rejected him again out of his mind. He had put his heart on the line, and told Quinn he wanted a future with her, and in the end it didn't matter, she sent him away, unwilling to take a chance on them.
"Did you tell her how you feel when you saw her?" asked Mercedes, looking down at the floor.
"I don't think we should talk about Quinn." It was weird enough that Mercedes knew as much as she did about the situation. He had revealed far too much to her about his feelings for Quinn while he was in the hospital.
"Okay, but we can if you want."
Sam observed her, tilting his head to the side. "You don't mean that. You can't stand her." Mercedes had to be up to something with this sudden interest in Quinn. No wife would volunteer to talk about the other woman.
Mercedes shrugged. "You just seem like something's on your mind about her. I sensed it since you came over."
"You're not my Little Nurse anymore. I can't unload on you about Quinn now."
Sam silently berated himself again for confiding in her at the hospital. He had been a complete idiot telling a woman he barely knew about his feelings, but Mercedes had been so easy to talk to and she seemed to understand him so well. It felt right opening himself up to her.
"I'm still the same person. You can still talk to me."
"No I can't. You're my wife. That changes things."
She had betrayed him, even if it had been in the best interest of his health, it still felt like betrayal to Sam. He never would have told her much of things he had, if he'd known they were married. It almost felt like she had conned him into revealing his thoughts about Quinn and she was going to use them against him somehow.
"Of course, I knew that," she said fiddling with her wedding rings on her finger. "I guess I just want you to need me."
"We can't go back. What we had in the hospital is over."
The sad reality of that statement made Sam long to go back, to retreat to his hospital room, where he could cuddle up with his nurse and dream about a future with Quinn. The real world so far had been harsh and disappointing, with Quinn's rejection, and the discovery he had a wife he didn't know. Beth was the only bright spot, she was a welcome surprise, in this new version of his life. The rest had left him confused and off balance.
Sam missed the flirty companionship he had with Mercedes, he wanted to be able to hold her hand, talk to her for hours, give her kisses that would make her flush a pretty pink under her warm brown skin, and be able to get lost in her eyes without feeling the pangs of guilt because he wasn't the man she wanted, and probably never would be again. Things had been good for a time, in their hospital hideaway, before the world came crashing in, if only they could go back, if only for a day.
"But you said you wanted to figure out our marriage," Mercedes said, straightening her posture in agitation.
"I do, but our time in the hospital was based on lies. We've got to start over, take things from the top." Although how they would get a fresh start now, with the secret about his deal with his father hanging over them, Sam wasn't sure.
"Maybe we should start with that memory you had. Was that the only one or have you had more?" she asked.
Sam's stomach churned as he detected the hopefulness in her voice.
"I didn't even know that was a memory. It was just something I saw in my mind. It was pretty vivid but I thought it was just a dream."
It had been just a flash of images really, and some feelings, intense but brief, once when he first got his ring back and again while in Beth's room. Sam had experienced nothing else like it since coming out of his coma.
"Well maybe if you looked around at some of your stuff, something will come back to you." Mercedes got up from the bed and went to the dresser, opening the top drawer. She beckoned Sam closer with her hand. "This is yours," she said pointing to the contents inside.
The drawer contained a couple watches, a wooden organizer with cuff links, tie tacks, and other miscellaneous items. In a little glass dish he spotted his dog tags. Sam lifted them out, carefully examining them.
"I haven't seen these in a while. Did I have them on during the accident? I used to wear them all the time."
"You didn't wear them at all when we were together. You always kept them in the drawer. So is anything coming back to you? We can look in the closet next, all your clothes are there," said Mercedes tugging him toward the open door of the walk-in closet.
"This is why I didn't want to tell you about this," he said pulling against her hand, until she finally let go.
"You weren't going to tell me?" she asked in surprise. "Why would you keep this from me?"
"I didn't want you to get your hopes up, like I was getting my memory back." The disappointment in her eyes was almost harder to take than the sadness. Sam couldn't stand knowing that he was hurting her in yet another way.
"Maybe you are. You could go to therapy, get hypnotized. It could all come back."
"I am so tired of doctors picking at my brain. I just want to get on with my life."
Sam had felt liberated when he fired Kali, powerful and again capable of making decisions about his own life. He didn't want to waste time whining to a shrink about things he couldn't change.
"How can you get on with it if you don't remember it?"
"I remember enough," he mumbled. He had all his faculties, he remembered the big things, three years wasn't that great a loss in the grand scheme of things.
"Right, my mistake. I thought you wanted to remember me and our marriage. Isn't that the bullshit you've been trying to get me to believe since you got here?" she asked with a sour look, crossing her arms over her chest.
"So you haven't believed a word I said?" Sam was a bit stunned. He had been using some of his best tactics in the kitchen and in the hall. Mercedes had been all over him.
"Why would I? A man who rushed through his rehab just to drive upstate to see a woman he had an affair with, before ever setting foot in the home he shared with his wife, does not want to work on his marriage."
Oh damn! She had been totally onto him. Now all those questions about Quinn made more sense, she had been pumping him for information. And the kissing and the flirting, oh damn! He should have known. The coma must have thrown him off his game.
"I explained why I needed to see Quinn," Sam said quickly, his mind scrambling to find a way to salvage all of this.
"I know, I know. She's your friend, she's Beth's mother," Mercedes said rolling her eyes.
"Exactly. She needed me."
Mercedes didn't seem like she believed his reasons, but they were true. Quinn was alone in that awful hospital and he had to be there for her.
"What about me? I needed you," said Mercedes raising her voice. "I've been here for months alone, waiting for you to come back, taking care of your baby, and you can't even be bothered to get to know me." Her face twisted in anger, all that hope that was in her eyes earlier had disappeared.
"I'm here now," Sam said struggling to find his voice in his suddenly dry throat.
Mercedes was right, he hadn't been thinking about her at all. His sole focus had been Quinn. While he knew that he wouldn't have changed his actions, Quinn was his priority, he did recognize that Mercedes deserved better than what she'd gotten from him. Even with his misgivings about her intentions and motives, she had been loyal to him and his family, and that was worth something.
"Only because you're up to something. You've been working me since you came through that door."
"You are really cynical," he said, sizing her up. Sam couldn't help but be impressed that she hadn't fallen for his act.
"I know you. Your eyes get all squinty when you're plotting."
"I'm not plotting anything. I've been nothing but honest with you." No way would she buy that, but he had to try to get back on track. He still had to tell her about Quinn being back in Lima and he needed her calm for that news.
"You said that with a straight face. I'm impressed. Tell me Mr. Honesty, did you really have that memory or did you just make it up based on things I told you?"
"Why would I make that up?"
Did she really think so little of him that she believed he could lie about something so big? He had been known to stretch the truth for a business deal, but not about his life, and not to her. That would be too cruel.
"To get me to let my guard down, to get on my good side, I don't know. It has something to do with Quinn."
Sam was losing control of the conversation. He couldn't let Mercedes figure out anything about Quinn until he knew they were in a good place.
"I told you about Quinn. I want her to come home and I want you on my side."
Maybe honesty was the best approach after all, the mind games were a complete fail, and his wife clearly was smarter than he had realized.
"Wouldn't it just be easier to have me out of the picture? It wouldn't matter if I were on your side or not."
Time to lay it all out on the table, Mercedes was leaving him no choice. She wasn't falling for sweet talk this time.
"You want to do this? Fine let's do it. Yes it would be easier if you were out of my life. I could start to build something with Quinn."
"Done. We can start the divorce process," she said, jutting out her chin decisively, only the hint of tears betraying her confidence.
"I don't want a divorce."
"You just said it would be easier if…"
"It would be easier, but that's not what I want. I can't start anything with Quinn until I deal with what I feel for you."
The words rolled off his tongue easily, feeling almost like the truth. Sam wasn't sure if he was just saying what he thought she wanted to hear, of if he was finally opening himself up, and letting out the feelings he'd been resisting for her.
"You don't feel anything for me…you said…" Mercedes shook her head, backing away from him, although he made no moves toward her.
"I was lying," he admitted unexpectedly. Sam sat down on the bed and took a deep breath. "Everything I was feeling in the hospital, when I thought you were just my nurse, it's all still there. I've been trying to ignore it, but when I went to see Quinn it was clear I couldn't keep living in denial."
He felt exposed revealing this part of himself, he had planned never to let her know about all he'd been trying to ignore, but after telling her he felt alone and abandoned in the hospital, there wasn't much left of his dignity. She'd already glimpsed his weakness and now she saw the hidden depths of his heart.
"Why would seeing Quinn make you realize something about me?" she asked, slow and deliberate, as if the words were sinking in.
He clinched the ring that hung around his neck in his fist. "She saw this ring around my neck and she asked me about it, about why I was wearing it, and I couldn't answer her. I thought I was wearing it to help my memory, but I'm not sure if that's entirely true."
It was a reminder of that deal with his father, and all he would have to sacrifice, but it was also about more than that, it was a symbol of a part of himself that he didn't understand, yet was curious about. He wanted to understand why Mercedes was the person he married. Why did things thrive with her and fail with Quinn?
"You're not making any sense."
"I know. I'm confused. I feel so much for Quinn, and I want to be with her. I know you don't like hearing that, but it's true. But when I look at this ring, I'm all conflicted. I married you, and I don't know you, I don't know why I married you, but it means something to me. I can't just walk away from that."
It was easy to blame the deal, his father's evil plot to force him to stay in a marriage he didn't want to be in, and the deal certainly was a large part of all this, but a part of him actually agreed with his father, and ironically Quinn, he needed to honor this commitment, at least for a little while. He may not remember the promises or the vows, but he still had made them, and Sam took that seriously even if it was getting in the way of what he truly wanted.
"You just told me you want Quinn, what am I supposed to do with that? Do you expect me to turn a blind eye while you have an affair with her?"
"No I want to honor my commitment to you. You stuck by me through all of this. I appreciate everything you've done for me and for Beth."
Mercedes's head snapped back like he hit her. "So this is pity? Am I an obligation to you? Stay married to poor Cede because she might fall apart if you leave." Tears fell that she brushed angrily away.
"I just want to get to know you. I know I should have done this sooner, I shouldn't have pushed you away, but I was just so overwhelmed by everything and you hurt me when you didn't tell me the truth about us."
No more hiding. This was real. He did want to get to know her and figure out why he married her. He wanted to find that nurse he liked so much somewhere inside this woman standing in front of him.
"I'm so sorry about that Sam," she said sitting down next to him.
"I know. You said that before." He looked over at her, her hair was all a mess, her face was tear stained, dark circles were under her eyes. She looked so tired.
"You still don't believe me?" she asked, her brown shoulders slumping forward in defeat.
He didn't know what to believe, everything he thought he knew about her was repeatedly contradicted. "I want to. I think about all those photos of me in Beth's nursery and I really want to. I've always wanted someone to love me that much."
Sam searched Mercedes's face for some sign of truth, that he could trust her. It may have been selfish, but he wanted to believe that she had put up all those photos because she loved him and she missed him. He had no right to feel such things, but still he did.
"Well you got it. I love you that much," she said taking his hand and threading her fingers through his, her eyes fixed on his face.
There it was, that truth, the look she had given him a number of times at the hospital, it was back in her eyes. Sam felt it, as he did then, she really cared about him.
"Mercedes I need to tell you something." He had to come clean. She deserved to be told about Quinn, he couldn't keep it from her any longer. "I should have spoken up sooner, last night really, I just…"
"Can I go first?" she asked cutting him off. She lifted her knee up on the bed, her green dress rising up her thighs, to face him completely. "I've got to get this off my chest."
"But…" Sam protested, eager to tell her about Quinn before he lost his nerve.
Mercedes placed two fingers on his lips to silence him, when satisfied he'd say no more, she let her hand fall to the ring dangling on his chest, touching it lightly, before lifting it up by its chain and pulling it over his head. Sam watched her, confused, as she stared down at the ring in the palm of her hand.
"I met you for the first time at BreadStix and I think I fell in love with you on the spot. Love at first sight."
She shyly met his eyes, a smile on her face, almost seeming embarrassed to have admitted that to him.
"Not that I knew exactly what it was I was feeling, I had never been in love before, never really wanted any man before, but all I knew is that I had to get to know you. And I did, it was a wonderful, painful, thrilling, heartbreaking ride getting close to you. I should have left you alone long ago, but I didn't, because I couldn't. You were just it for me, even when I didn't want you to be. I made a huge mess of things and I tossed you aside, tried so hard to shut you out of my heart," she said swiping at the tears that fell.
"Then we crashed and I would have sold my soul to get you back or to take your place. And you finally came back, to her, and I'm so ashamed of myself, because it shouldn't have mattered that you woke up loving Quinn, all that mattered was that you were alive and awake."
She was shaking and barely holding it together, trying to stifle the flow of her tears. Mercedes' lower lip trembled, as her sad eyes fell on him and that was all Sam could stand. He pulled her into his lap, brushing her hair from her face, and wiping the tears with his hands. So many times now he had done this, wiped the tears he had created, just once he'd like to make her smile instead.
"Shh Please no more tears. No more crying over me. It's okay. I understand, we can just forget about this now," he said, settling his hands on her hips.
He had been so selfish, only worrying about his own discomfort, his own life. How could he have ignored that he wasn't alone in this? He might have been the one in a coma for nine months, and the one with memory loss now, but Mercedes had been through it all with him. She was by his side, caring for him, worrying about him, praying for his recovery. It was so much easier to focus on himself and all he had lost, than to acknowledge the pain around him, because that would mean he would have to take some responsibility for his actions, for choosing to attempt to drive drunk, for sleeping with another woman and breaking his vows, for purposely shutting Mercedes out for weeks, because she was in the way of what he wanted. Sam considered himself a compassionate person, someone that could see the big picture and relate to the feelings of those around him. He sympathized with Quinn and her plight in the hospital, so much so that he would do anything to free her from that hell. But why couldn't he do the same for Mercedes? Why couldn't he believe that she had been waiting for him to come home all this time?
"No we can't forget about it. I need you to hear this. I should have said this in the hospital. I should have said it even before then, in the car on the night of the accident."
Mercedes leaned forward, staring into his eyes, placing her arms around his neck, running her fingers through the back of his hair. The ring dangled from her hand, hitting him in the back as it swayed.
"Sam Evans, I love you, and I want you, and I need you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, have a family with you, get old and gray with you."
She was so sweet, just like she had been during their time at the hospital. He moved her closer to him, so her chest grazed his, his whole body warming when she smiled at him.
"I waited for you to fall in love with me, I waited for nine months for you to come back to me, and I am willing to wait now for you to remember me. I know I'll never love anyone else the way I love you, you're a part of me, you're inside my soul, and that's forever, even if you choose to be with someone else."
His eyes widened at her words, and she smiled with a slight nod, letting him know she meant it.
"I just need you to know that someone in this world will always love you, no matter what happens, I will always be yours. I love you that much."
If she had told him that in the hospital, he would have broken something trying to make love to her. Sam was completely overwhelmed, but his pulse was racing, his hands flitting from her back, to her shoulders, to her hair. He couldn't stop touching her.
"I wanted to say all of this that night we spent together, it meant so much to me to be that close to you. I wanted you to know who I was that night. I wish I hadn't held back."
Mercedes had said everything he had wanted to hear, not just since the hospital, but all of his life. Sam believed her, and his heart lifted knowing that someone felt so much for him. It was nice, but he couldn't quite shake off the other feelings, the disappointment that Mercedes had been the one to say these words, that she was the one to feel this way. Why couldn't Quinn have been the one? Last night at the Holiday Inn, he hadn't held back with Quinn at all, he gave her his heart completely, and Quinn didn't respond the way he had hoped. The whole night she talked about missing him, and how she had longed to see him, and how much she cared, but not once did she mention love. Sam sort of hoped it had been there, implied in between the lines, and she was working up the nerve, but after she coldly left him in the car this afternoon, he was no longer sure. Maybe it was wishful thinking on his part, a projection of his desires onto her, because if Quinn did truly love him, even with his father's crazy deal, she would have told him so. They both had been through too much to play it safe with each other.
Sam returned his attention to the woman on his lap, so full in his arms, with her spirit so bold. Sam could tell it had taken a lot for her to admit all that she had to him, especially since she knew about his feelings for Quinn, but she'd done it anyway. Mercedes had looked him in the eyes and opened herself up to him, expecting nothing in return, and for a moment he caught a glimpse of one of the reasons why he must have married her.
Mercedes lifted up the chain with his ring on it, opening it wide, to slide it back over his neck.
"No wait," he said taking the ring from her hand. Sam hesitated for a moment, considering his next move carefully. With a deep breath, he opened the chain and removed the ring, before sliding the thick platinum band on his finger, accepting his fate, embracing his choice. "This is where it should be. Don't you think?"
There would be no turning back now. He was all in. He planned to follow through with his father's deal, for Quinn, and in small part for Mercedes. He couldn't give her back the husband she had been missing, the one she had been waiting for the past nine months, but at least this was something, for a little while he could give her back her life, maybe make her happy, at the very least make her smile.
"I've missed seeing it there," she said letting her small fingers ghost over the band.
Mercedes looked up at him and smiled, her eyes sparking with something different than their usual clouds of sadness. Seeing that he knew, he had done the right thing.
"Thank you for telling me how you feel. I kind of needed to know that…" he let his voice trail off, his head falling forward to rest on her forehead.
"That you married someone that loves you," she said completing his thought.
"I know it's stupid, because I don't even remember you, but I just feel…" Again he was at loss for words, his mind was filled with so many contradictions.
He was starting to wonder how he was going to pull off this dual life, being husband to one, while loving another. Either way he looked at it, he could see one of them getting hurt, and Sam just couldn't live with that. He had to find a way to make things work out for the best for all of them, if a way even existed.
A soft kiss landed on his lips, and Sam warred with himself not to kiss her back, her hands stroking up and down his chest, slowly seducing him, making him feel things he shouldn't. She looked so good in the green dress. It clung to her curves, almost leaving nothing to the imagination. His hands had a mind of their own, caressing the soft brown skin of her back and shoulders, he couldn't stop himself from pulling her closer and holding her tightly. He heard her sigh in his ear, relaxing into him like a content kitten, which made him relax too, melting into her body, placing kisses on her bare shoulder, letting his fingers tangle in her hair.
He should have pushed her away, insisted they take things slow, but he couldn't bring himself to form the words. He didn't want to stop this moment, to lose this feeling, for once he knew what it felt like to be completely wanted and loved, and he liked it.
"I love you," Mercedes whispered, now a breath away from his lips.
Just one kiss, to see what it felt like to be with someone that wanted him, no convincing or persuasion needed, she simply loved him. His eyes slid shut as he cupped the side of her face with his hand, inching closer to taste those soft pink lips. Just one kiss.
"Whoa incoming!" someone said loudly from the doorway.
Sam pulled back, startled, turning his attention to the door, where he saw Kurt standing with his hand clamped over his eyes, a huge grin on his face.
"You two just keep doing what you were doing and let me know when I can uncover my eyes."