Chapter 3

"Sam I'm not going to lie to you, things were pretty touch and go with Beth for a bit," said Kurt with a somber tone as he scooted to his feet and walked over to the foot of the bed.

"Yeah Quinn told me." Sam smiled, nuzzling Beth's head against his cheek.

Hearing about Beth's birth, in her own words, almost made him feel like he had been there too. Almost. It was the look in her eyes as she talked about her that mostly made him feel closest to the moment, definitely closest to her. He could see her love for their child all over her face, and Sam couldn't help but hope that some of that love was for him too.

"What? She actually told you?" Kurt's mouth gaped open.

"Not in too much detail though," said Sam looking at Kurt strangely.

"I'm kind of shocked. I figured she'd want to sit on this for a while," said Kurt facing away from him as if he were talking to the walls. He sank down onto the bed, still staring off as he spoke. "I could see her being worried about how you'd take it, but you are a pretty understanding guy so… Then again there is your Irish side and that temper…"

"Kurt, what are you babbling about?"

"Oh," said Kurt a bit startled, as if he just realized Sam were still in the room. "I'm just glad Quinn told you about what happened to Beth."

"I don't know why you're so surprised. I went to see her and it makes sense we would talk about Beth, and naturally we'd talk about her birth." His cousin's reaction was a bit over the top. Why did he seem so weirded out that he had talked to Quinn?

"Her birth?" Kurt, scratched his head. He seemed confused.

"Well yeah. The fact that she was born premature on the side of the road and was close to death. What did you think I meant?" Sam asked narrowing his eyes. As it seemed to happen so many times since he came out of the coma, a strange vibe had settled over the room, the same sort of vibe that he felt earlier when he was talking to Marcel.

"Exactly that," said Kurt laughing nervously. He grabbed Beth's baby blanket from the bag and fanned it out on the floor.

"Seemed like you were referring to something else."

"Nope," Kurt answered quickly not meeting Sam's eyes. "Guess you somehow sensed Beth being born while in a coma." Kurt laughed again, almost a giggle.

Sam relaxed maybe it was just the freaky nature of their topic of conversation that had Kurt so jumpy. He never expected to be contemplating the possibility of a psychic vision while in a coma. Not that he ever expected to be in a coma, although he probably should have, given all the injuries he had sustained in combat. His nine lives seemed pretty close to being all used up at this point.

"Weird right? I don't know why she was floating and blue though."

That was the part that never changed within in his mind, his daughter, wet and a pale blue. Sometimes he'd see Quinn by Beth's side floating next to her, other times she would be absent. The details of the image shifted, but Beth was the constant. That was why it felt so real to him. It was more like a memory than a dream.

"Probably amniotic fluid and some of her lung issues. Psychic visions are not an exact science."

"I guess not," he chuckled. "Did you see Beth when she was born?" Sam asked.

Quinn hadn't told him much about the after, when Beth was taken to the hospital. Sam wanted to know about everything his child went through in her first days of life. Clearly she was strong now, but she couldn't have always been that way if she were premature. He wanted to know about Beth's battle to be a part of this life.

"Yeah I did. I was at the hospital with Mercedes, after…" Kurt hesitated.

"After she found out Beth was mine and not Puck's," said Sam completing Kurt's sentence.

Sam was almost glad he slept through that one. He wasn't sure he'd be able to explain his way out of that particular mess. Fate had spared him the ugliness of his actions, but he had missed the birth of his own baby, seemed like a high price to pay for his mistakes.

"Yeah. It was a high stress time for sure."

That definitely seemed like an understatement.

"Is that when Quinn first started to get depressed?" Alone and confused, shouldering all the blame, probably physically exhausted from childbirth, everyone against her, no wonder she'd lost a bit of her sanity. No one could handle that much alone.

"I don't know. It would seem like a logical time though. She'd just had the baby, and then to have the paternity news slammed on her. It was a lot to take, between Puck, Mercedes and Quinn it was almost a race to see who would crack first."

It must have been a tough break for Puck, losing a baby he had thought was his own. He wouldn't wish that on anyone. And Mercedes, well he could imagine what it must have been like in her shoes too, having a spouse that conceived a child with someone else. It cuts deep and makes a person question everything about the marriage, about the love. Brittany didn't have a child with someone else, but she did cheat on him and wanted to start a family with Santana when she wouldn't even consider having a baby with him. But it had to be far worse for Quinn, she went from excited new mother to the accused in a matter of hours, her whole world was shifted, and she was left trying to pick up the pieces with a baby in her arms.

"I think Quinn suffered the most of all though." He felt himself getting a little choked up just thinking about what she must have had to endure. He hugged Beth against him, wishing he could have held Quinn too, back then, when she needed him the most.

"You've got to be kidding me. Puck lost a daughter and Mercedes…"

"I'm still not sure why she didn't dump my ass," Sam said quickly cutting Kurt off. He didn't need to hear any more about Mercedes' pain, he felt guilty enough as it was.

"Can any of us understand the nature of true love? It's just this awesome thing we need to accept and not question. You lucked out cuz, Mercedes stuck by you, that's why I am so angry that you're cheating on her. Again."

He didn't feel lucky. Mercedes should have left him back then, before then, maybe they wouldn't be stuck in this web right now if she had. Things would be a whole lot simpler if Mercedes were removed from the equation, everything could just naturally fall into place. But circumstances, namely his father, made that impossible now, he had to see things through with her, at least for nine more months.

Sam placed Beth down on the brightly colored blanket that was covered with the alphabet as represented by baby animals. Her little head wobbled as she held it up, taking in the room from her stomach. "I told you I didn't sleep with Quinn. I'm not cheating. There's just more to it than you know. It's been so hard dealing with all of this."

"All of what?"

"I'm attracted to Mercedes," Sam admitted.

"Duh, your hand was up her dress."

Sam cringed at Kurt's blunt description. He made it seem so seedy, it was more innocent than that, almost pure. Sam had only wanted a moment, a small taste of what it would feel like to be with her, to be that man she missed. It wasn't about sex, not really, it was more about wondering what it would feel like to love her. Now he could see it was a completely crazy notion, he couldn't test drive an emotion. He either felt it or he didn't, but at the time, it had seemed like something within his reach.

"It makes things confusing because what I feel for Quinn is so much more. I shouldn't be attracted to Mercedes. We had a little flirtation when I thought she was my nurse, I should be over it by now."

He had imagined a life with her, during his silent days when he first woke up from the coma. Quinn was all over his mind, more vivid than anything around him, he could feel her touch, hear her voice, smell the sweetness of her hair. In his head they were together, married, happy, waking up in each other's arms, her green eyes the first thing he took in each morning. It was a beautiful life with Quinn singing softly in the shower, as he dressed in their room for work. She held his hand often, lacing her fingers with his, squeezing his palm, letting her soft warm skin send tingles up his arm. He hadn't known about Beth then, but in his dreams there were children, with eyes and smiles as bright as Quinn's, their melodic laughter filling their home.

When it was clear it had all been a dream, Sam had mourned the loss, cursing his reality for not being nearly as sweet or as warm. Then eclipsing the harsh fluorescent lights, shielding him from lonely coldness, he had seen her, so young, wide eyed, with one of the biggest smiles to ever grace a face. She turned it off and on like a switch, dropping that grin when she thought he wasn't looking. She only smiled for him, he soon realized, and that simple fact started to make his reality just a little more bearable. Maybe he would be able to live in a world without Quinn by his side, if there could be someone that saved a smile just for him instead.

"But you aren't over it?" asked Kurt.

Sam sighed, pausing, not wanting to answer. "No," he said finally, looking up at Kurt, who stood above him against the bed.

"And your attraction to Quinn?"

He sighed again, leaning his head on his palm. "Still as strong as ever."

"We really need to map out some time and watch a few episodes of Big Love." Kurt grinned. "You could learn so much from Bill right about now."

"I'm trying to be serious with you Kurt." His life was already in ruins and it only had just begun, again.

"So am I! You can't have them both Sam. So stop thinking it."

"I'm not." Kurt shot him a disbelieving look. "I'm not." Sam repeated more adamantly. "Believe me, that's the last thing I want, but what I want doesn't matter right now anyway. My life is not really my own."

"That's sounds ominous. What's really going on here?"

"I can't tell you specifics, but just know that I'm doing it all for Beth." No matter the cost, he was determined to give his daughter the best life. That meant bringing her mother home to her, so personal happiness would just have to come second to that. Beth came first, in all things, she had to.

"Okay nice try, but this secret squirrel crap ain't gonna fly. I'm telling Mercedes." Kurt walked toward the door.

"Fine you do that Kurt. I can't stop you. Go break Mercedes' heart over a misunderstanding because you don't know all the facts. Just realize that you'll be destroying this little girl's world in the process," he said pointing toward Beth on the floor.

"Do you really think I'm buying this mess? Beth will be just fine."

"If you tell Mercedes, she's going to leave me."

Mercedes was so close to bolting as it was. She had been onto him the whole time he tried to sweet talk her at the house earlier that afternoon. She obviously wasn't easily played, but by the end of it all, Sam really thought they had come to an understanding, found some common ground. He understood her better now, and knew her true motivations. Handled correctly he was pretty confident he could get Mercedes to accept him back in her life. He just had to get her to believe he truly wanted it, and finding out he spent the night with Quinn without the proper prepping, would be disastrous.

"Good. She should. Then she can move on."

"No." Sam shook his head. "We're married and that's how it has to stay."

He felt like he was drowning, talking in circles to Kurt, sinking in a sea of his half-truths and semi lies. He just wanted to blurt it all out, tell him his father was forcing his hand, and that none of this was his idea. He wondered if Kurt would back off then, take his side, leave Mercedes in the dark? Somehow Sam doubted it. Kurt seemed pretty protective of Mercedes.

"I'm seriously concerned about your brain right now. You're not making any sense. You want Quinn, not Mercedes," said Kurt slowly drawing out his words.

"There's nothing wrong with my brain. I know what I'm saying. Mercedes is my wife and there's no way I'm giving her up. I need her."

"If that's how you really feel, prove it," said Kurt leaning back against the door, crossing his legs at his ankles.

"How am I supposed to do that?" asked Sam, completely at a loss about what his cousin expected from him.

Kurt knew he didn't remember Mercedes so suddenly proclaiming love for his wife would never sell. Sam couldn't think of any other way to make Kurt believe he wanted to stay married, especially not after all he had told him about his feelings for Quinn. Maybe he should just let Kurt tell Mercedes, let the chips fall, and he would just have to deal with his father later, reason with the man that he couldn't stay married to a woman that wanted to leave. But where would Quinn end up while he dealt with his father? Would she be shipped back to the hospital, imprisoned because he couldn't do what was needed to keep her free? Sam couldn't risk it. Quinn couldn't go back upstate. Not ever.

"Take this phone and call Quinn right now," said Kurt digging the phone out of his pants pocket. "Tell her what you just told me, that you're staying married and not giving Mercedes up. I dare you."

Unbelievable.

"You dare me? This is not a game. This is my life."

"You're the one playing not me. Make the call," said Kurt holding the phone close to Sam's face.

"Quinn's in a mental hospital, she can't get calls whenever. There are rules."

He guessed he could try to fake it, dial The Beacon and get Quinn on the phone, but even if he managed to pull off that leg of the scam, he still would have to say those things to Quinn. After the night they shared, when he tried to convince her to be with him behind Mercedes and his father's backs, to then the next day turn around and tell her he'd never leave his wife for her, was too much. He'd never risk hurting Quinn deliberately in that way, even if she knew it was all part of the deal. Sam had been desperate to find a way to make her see last night that being married had no bearing on his feelings for her, so to put something like this out there, while things were so up in the air between him and Quinn, could wreck his chances with her for good. No way was he going to make that call.

"Leave her a message."

Sam shook his head, pushing Kurt's phone away. He reached down to pick up Beth, who was wiggling herself to the edge of the blanket on her belly. She hadn't moved forward much, but she'd managed to get her body headed in the right direction.

"I'm not going to put… wow did you see that?" Just as Sam had gotten his hands on Beth, the baby flipped from her stomach to her back.

"Little diva did a flip," said Kurt bending at the waist to take a closer look.

Beth stared up at Sam with startled green eyes, looking almost as if she wanted to cry. She must have scared herself with that maneuver. Sam rested his hand softly on Beth's belly, a smile spreading over her face.

"Has she ever done that before?" asked Sam, beaming, feeling like he had witnessed something incredible.

"I'm not sure. I'm going to ask Mercedes." Kurt pulled out his phone and quickly sent Mercedes a message.

Sam looked over at Kurt. "You're going to bother her at a party?" She was probably too busy with Finn Hudson to care anyway.

"She'd kill me if I didn't. The girl has like documented every moment of this baby's life. Rolling over is not something she'd want to miss."

"Let's see if she'll do it again." Sam picked Beth up and put her back on her stomach, watching her intently. After a few moments of Beth just wiggling and bobbing her head, Sam slumped back, leaning against the bed. "Maybe it was a fluke."

"Mercedes says to record it," said Kurt, reading his phone.

"Record what? She's just looking at us like we're idiots."

"She's also leaking," said Kurt pointing to the wet spots seeping out around her diaper onto her red romper.

Sam let out a deep breath. "Aww man I just put that outfit on her."

"At least now we have an excuse to free her from that atrocity."

"Do you know what's up with Mercedes and baby animals?" asked Sam as he started undressing Beth. The baby kicked at Sam as if she wanted to fuss, but she didn't make a sound, she just moved her arms and legs making it hard for Sam to get her out of her wet clothes.

"It's not just Cede, it's your mom and Beiste too. They think it's so cute."

"I don't. My daughter has a right to some dignity. Just because she's a little girl doesn't mean she has to dress all cutesy all the time. There's got to be better clothes for her out there than this." Now completely naked except for her socks, Beth stopped squirming, suddenly seeming content.

"I don't believe clothes have gender. I got her two baseball outfits and a Cavs jersey," said Kurt as he dug through the baby bag.

"Nice. That's what she needs to be wearing."

Beth lifted her fist to her mouth soaking her knuckles, with a look that reminded Sam so much of Quinn. A pain squeezed his chest as he thought of how Quinn should be here with him right now, helping him with Beth.

"All that's decent in this bag are footie pajamas that look like a little tuxedo. I even approve of the little tutu detail around the waist."

Sam sighed as Kurt held it up. "Well Beth, it beats the puppy. Let's get you into this thing."

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Kurt asked as he kneeled beside Sam on the floor, placing the baby bag between them.

"Of course, I've babysat my nieces and nephew before." Sam held up the tuxedo pajamas above Beth. The baby's face twisted into a look almost like disgust, as she kicked her little legs in front of her.

"Just making sure. You might have forgotten." Kurt shook the stuffed star above Beth's face, enticing a smile, as the baby reached for it.

"Did you hear that little girl? Your cousin Kurt is mocking your old man about his memory loss. Not cool right?"

"Actually I was mocking you about your age. How old are you going to be tomorrow? Thirty right? Things start going downhill from there."

"Twenty-nine!" said Sam, snatching the star from Kurt's hands and giving it to Beth. The large yellow star covered most of the girl's torso.

"Beth do you hear your daddy getting testy? The first thing to go with age is patience."

He didn't feel old, in fact he still felt almost like he did at eighteen, except for a disfigured limb and a few scars. Jokes about his age shouldn't rattle him, but they did. He'd lost years, in his mind he was still twenty-five, not almost thirty. It wasn't fair that life skipped ahead without his consent.

"Just hand me the diaper Kurt."

"There's none in the bag."

"Oh right. Marcel brought them up. Look over by the mini refrigerator. Let's see if you can roll over for me one more time," said Sam placing Beth on her belly once again, wearing nothing but her birthday suit and socks. "Ok baby, you can do it." Beth looked over at her father and smiled, drool spilling from her lip, but she made no attempts to roll over.

"I think Cede said it is easier for them to roll from their backs to their stomachs first," said Kurt from across the room.

"But she just rolled from her stomach to her back, and she's an Evans, easy isn't in her vocabulary."

"I don't think anything is in her vocabulary yet. Though she does respond to the word bottle." Beth's head shot up higher when Kurt said the word. "See there."

"Stop teasing her," said Sam, taking the diaper from Kurt's hand. "It's not time for her to eat again yet."

"Mercedes is not here we can live dangerously. I say we throw out that list and be rebels. Eat when we want, wear clothes without baby animals on the front, and run around barefoot," said Kurt enthusiastically pulling both socks off of Beth's feet.

"What did you do that for? Do you know how long it took me to get those socks on her?"

"Did a little bitty baby get the best of you Sam?" Kurt teased.

"She squirms."

"Uh huh. Okay let's do this. I've got my camera recording. Time for Beth to roll over." Kurt sat up on his knees to get a good angle for the video.

"Ready Beth? At the count of three. One, two, three." Nothing, but drool and her little blond head looking around. "Okay one more time, keep recording Kurt. Téimis!"

Again nothing. Beth put her cheek down on the blanket, still watching her father.

"Did you really expect her to understand Gaelic?" asked Kurt.

"Well yeah. It's in her blood, besides you know my father probably already started teaching her the language."

Sam could understand English and Irish for as long as he could remember. His father made sure his heir was bilingual. Dwight Evans would want nothing less for his granddaughter.

"You're totally nuts," said Kurt, shaking his head, a twisted smile on his face.

"Maybe if I said it like my father would. You know all commanding and dictator like with a hint of a Tennessee drawl." That had to be the key. Beth was probably used to hearing her grandfather, not him.

"Totally cracked in the head."

"Téimis!" he said trying to mimic his father's voice. Beth closed her eyes, and Sam resigned himself to the fact that the baby wasn't going to do any more tricks tonight. "Oh well, better get you changed." Just as Sam reached down to pick Beth up, the baby moved, rolling away from her father's hands.

"I think she might do it. Try to pick her up again." Kurt held his phone up to record.

Sam reached over to get Beth and the baby moved once more, this time rolling completely onto her back. "She did it! Did you see that Kurt?"

"I did." Kurt grinned. "I got it all recorded."

"I knew you could do it," said Sam happily rubbing Beth's bare stomach making the baby let out a little laugh.

"Must have been the Irish," said Kurt sarcastically.

"Absolutely," said Sam lifting Beth up from the blanket and holding her above him, wiggling her gently in enthusiasm. "I'm so proud of…" A stream of pee hit Sam squarely in the chest, stopping him mid sentence. Sam quickly extended his arms holding the baby further away from his body.

"Aww man she got you good," said Kurt laughing. "So glad she's found a new target. I'm usually her victim. Though she's never peed on me before, just tons of spitting up."

"A little heads up would've been nice," said Sam unbuttoning his shirt after putting Beth back down on her blanket. Luckily the black t-shirt Sam wore under his button down hadn't gotten wet.

"You said you were all experienced. You should've known better than to shake a naked baby. Something was bound to come out of one end or the other."

Sam tossed his damp shirt in Kurt's direction, purposely aiming to miss the man. "I guess I'm a little rusty."

"Yes!" Kurt jumped up happily. "I got the attack on video too."

"Great," said Sam blandly, moving back over to Beth to get her changed and dressed.

"Mercedes is going to love this," announced Kurt, grinning as he typed on his phone.

"Don't send it to her."

"Why not? She lives for this stuff."

"Well maybe she shouldn't. Don't you think Beth's mother should be the first to see this milestone?" Their baby rolled over for the first time and all Kurt could think about was Mercedes. Didn't he even feel bad that Quinn was missing yet another moment in her baby's life?

"Is Quinn allowed to get texts in the loony bin?"

"I just thought it might be nice for her to see it. That's all," said Sam softly as he changed Beth's diaper.

"Seems to me you're looking for any excuse to cut Mercedes out of your life."

"That's not it at all. Mercedes has had all this time with her and Quinn and I haven't had any. I just sometimes wish there were things for just us, as parents, as a family."

Didn't Kurt get it? Didn't anyone understand? This was all wrong. Beth shouldn't be living with a temporary family growing attached to people that weren't her parents. She shouldn't be rocked to sleep every night by a woman that wasn't her mother. Kurt shouldn't know more about Beth than he did. His baby was being robbed, deprived of all the basics of life, love, security, family. Most of Beth's life had been spent without her parents. It was a sad, a tragedy. So how could he be happy about Beth's achievement today when Quinn wasn't here to experience the happiness too? It almost felt like a betrayal to share it with Mercedes when Quinn was still shut out of their daughter's life.

He understood that circumstances had left Beth without her parents. He knew intellectually that Mercedes was only doing what was best for his child, but his heart, that was a whole other matter. He now understood what Quinn had been trying to tell him at the hospital, how she felt about Mercedes being around Beth, how uncomfortable it made her. Sam was starting to feel the same way, not exactly uncomfortable, he'd seen Mercedes with Beth, he knew she was good to her, but definitely jealous. He envied the closeness that Mercedes had with Beth, the easy bond, the way she knew her routine, her likes and dislikes. He hated how his family looked to her for decisions and opinions about Beth not once thinking of Quinn or caring what her input might be. His chest tightened when he thought about the beautiful nursery Mercedes and his mom had created for Beth, in a house he didn't know, filled with bits and pieces of a life he didn't remember.

It was a dull ache though, because he couldn't ignore how loved his baby was, by everyone, while he'd been in the coma. He tried to stifle the feelings of resentment and jealousy because he couldn't have asked for anything better for his daughter, and all of his bitterness was from the painful regrets of missing so much of his own life. It wasn't Mercedes' fault that she has been left behind to take care of his baby on her own, a part of him was so glad she'd done it. She'd kept Beth close to her family, exactly as he would have wanted. It was the fact that Quinn was on the outside, deliberately forgotten, barred from her child that made Sam's blood run cold. Somehow his family had shifted Mercedes into Quinn's place in Beth's life, maybe even in his own life, and that is what unnerved him the most. Why had Quinn been discarded? Why had she been locked away to rot in a padded cell hours away without a second thought?

"And Mercedes doesn't fit into your idea of a family, hence cutting her out. She took care of that baby when you and Quinn couldn't and this is how you treat her?"

Kurt was getting upset with him, coming to Mercedes' defense like her bodyguard. His wife certainly had a lot of people in her corner, which was part of the problem. Everyone was so concerned about Mercedes and no one seemed to care about Quinn at all. So he had to be the one to step up for her, in all things, big and small, whether it be freeing her from the hospital, or preserving her chance to be the first to see Beth roll over on her own. It was the least he could do for her after being of no use to her for all these months when she truly needed him.

"Calm down Kurt. I do appreciate all Mercedes has done. We owe her so much."

"Nice way of repaying her loyalty. Spending the night with Quinn and trying to block her from Beth. I swear I don't even know who you are anymore."

He was finding it hard to keep his lies straight, and his motivations were starting to feel muddled. Was he trying to help Beth, save Quinn or stick it to Mercedes? He was forced to be a different version of himself when he was with each woman, and no version seemed quite right. He'd been lying to them both, lying to his family, and even lying to himself. He'd told Quinn that Mercedes meant nothing to him and that hadn't been completely true. This afternoon he'd asked Mercedes to take him back because he wanted to explore their marriage, another lie. Now with Kurt he was lying on both sides, denying Quinn one minute, talking about an attraction for Mercedes the next. The lines were starting to blur and he wasn't sure what was real anymore in all of this. All his truths were formed from lies and his lies were formed from truths. He never had been the most upstanding guy, flexible morality was always a part of his code, but no matter the choices he made, good or bad, he always knew where he stood on things, deep down he always knew what he believed in, what he held true. At this moment, he didn't have a clue.

"Welcome to the club. I don't know me right now either," he said, sitting Beth in his lap so that he could snap up her tuxedo pajamas.

"Here's a hint, stop being a dick, maybe you'd figure things out."

Ouch.