Chapter 4

Mercedes leaned back into the soft beige floral cushions of the outdoor chaise, pulling her feet under her, after kicking off her heels. She pulled the heavy navy blue wool coat around her, to block the cold from her skin. Sitting outside during the winter in a strapless dress wasn't the smartest of decisions, but she needed a few moments of peace, away from the bustle inside the house. Mercedes had spent the past hour pointing and barking out directions to the staff in preparation for Sam's party. There were so many last minute details to attend to, and without Kurt's assistance it all fell on her shoulders, which was fine, she could handle it all and then some, but she had started to get a little dizzy as fatigue set in, so instead of risking passing out in the middle of the living room, she retreated to the cool night air, and near silence.

The coat smelled like him so she snuggled into its oversize warmth, and she inhaled deeply wrapping her senses in the familiar spicy scent of his aftershave. It was Sam's coat, of course, because she was clearly hopeless, bordering on obsessed. She'd snatched it from the hall closet on her way out back to sit by the drained pool. It was the closest she could get to a hug from him, a real hug from the husband that used to love her, that held her hand while trapped in the car, that used to kiss her every time he entered or left a room, her Sam, the one that went away and never came back.

Upstairs was an imposter, sure he was close to the real thing, he sounded the same, felt the same in her arms, but his eyes, they revealed the truth. This wasn't the man she married. On his lap, in tears after baring her soul, her heart, he'd held her close, pressed his forehead against hers, breathed her in. Almost right. It almost felt the way it used to when he held her in his arms and kissed away her tears, so close to the real thing that Mercedes had squeezed her eyes shut and wished with every part of her to make him remember, to make him come back to her.

He had wanted to kiss her that she was certain of, a desire that never seemed to change. Sam Evans still wanted her body, but what about her soul? Mercedes couldn't tell if he wanted to truly know her, despite his attempts at convincing her he did. Something felt off, his eyes a hair too slanted, the green too murky. He was hiding something, either from her or himself, maybe both, whatever it was put Mercedes on edge, sounding alarms inside her, warning her to remember that this was not her Sam. So Kurt showing up when he did couldn't have been more perfect. Her resolve had been melting and she had been slowly letting herself settle for a man that almost felt right.

If they had kissed, she would have been done, all her will stripped, she would have been his to do whatever, not caring that he probably wasn't being sincere or that he was looking for a physical release rather than a renewed emotional connection. She wouldn't have cared if he had kissed her in that moment, she could love enough for the both of them, and just being close to him, inhaling his scent, feeling the hardness of his body against hers would have been good enough. Because she needed that, to be close to him, again. Their time at the hospital seemed so far away, and she missed him, probably more than when he had been in a coma. She ached for the right to be near him, to touch him, to kiss him at will. If only he would grant her access, he could be hers, again, for a little while.

"Mrs. Evans," she looked up startled when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Figgins?" Mercedes looked up at the older man, confused.

"Sorry to disturb you. I just wanted to let you know the band has arrived. I have them setting up in the sunroom."

Mercedes sat up straighter, trying to look the part, the in control wife. "That's perfect. Figgins thank you for letting me know. Is the caterer finished setting up the buffet?"

"Yes Mrs. Evans. We are just waiting for your special order from the diner. It shouldn't be much longer," Figgins replied with a straight face that revealed no emotion.

"Sounds good. Thank you. I will be inside in a bit." She turned away from the man, eyes focused on the ever darkening sky, and the city lights in the distance.

"Yes, Mrs. Evans. I'll be sure not to alert anyone to your whereabouts, give you a few moments to yourself."

"Thank you," said Mercedes, still staring out in front of her.

"He's going to love the party Mrs. Evans."

It was then she turned to face the man once again. "You think so?" She began to wring her hands nervously, her eyes falling to her lap. "I was wondering if it was too much with him still recovering."

"Master Sam always loved parties. He never had many for his birthday, so this will be special." Figgins smiled, not really at her, but perhaps at some distant memory in his mind.

"Thank you for telling me that Figgins."

"I will leave you to your thoughts," he said disappearing through the glass door without another word.

Figgins had reassured her a bit. She had been worried that Sam might not be too receptive to a surprise party, thrown by her, but Kurt had insisted and everyone seemed so happy with the idea, Mercedes had forged ahead. Birthdays had never quite worked out well for them. They had yet to celebrate one properly together.

His breathing had changed, no longer warm and heavy on her neck, flutters of eyelashes against her skin, tickling her into a smile. He was awake.

"What are you doing over there?" he asked, his voice still scratchy from sleep. He reached for her hand and stroked her knuckles gently with the pad of his thumb. "Were you watching me sleep?"

"Busted." She smiled. "I was trying to see if you looked any older."

"Did I sprout wrinkles in a day?"

"I think you always had those, around the eyes," she giggled as she caressed his face.

He shifted up on the pillow, so they were eye to eye. "Those laugh lines give me character and make me look distinguished."

"I agree you look quite handsome, for an older guy."

Sam scrunched up his face into a frown. "You make it sound like I'm a senior citizen. I'm only 28."

"Happy Birthday Mr. Evans," she said planting a soft kiss on his lips.

Sam's eyes shuttered closed as he smiled. "Thank you Mrs. Evans," he said nuzzling closer to her side.

"Any big plans for the day?" she asked.

"Definitely. I plan on spending it with my best girl."

"Oh so you and your mom going to dinner?"

"You're a little teaser today," he chuckled, rubbing his nose against her cheek. "Mama's boy allusions aside, I actually was talking about you. Me and you together all day. How does that sound?"

"Sounds like every other day this past week. Just because I have to be stuck in bed with the flu, doesn't mean you have to be. I don't want you wasting your birthday inside the house with me."

"The only place I want to be is with you."

"I want you to have a good birthday though. I'm sucky company, I can't even eat cake," she said with a slight pout.

"We can celebrate my birthday later, when you're feeling better."

"It won't be the same. I was hoping this year I'd get your birthday right."

"What do you mean?" he asked turning to face her.

Mercedes took a deep breath, and brushed the hair from her face. "Well on your last birthday we weren't exactly close."

"When you were working at D&E?"

"Yeah. I bought you a gift and I was about to give it to you when Rachel came into the office. You sort of pushed me away after that, said it wasn't appropriate to give you a gift," she admitted reluctantly. She hated thinking back to those days, when he couldn't stand the sight of her.

"I think that actually is in the company handbook," he said clearing his throat.

Mercedes could tell Sam was getting uncomfortable with the conversation, she should have changed the subject, but something wouldn't let her. A part of her needed him to know how things used to be between them, how he used to make her feel.

"Didn't stop you from accepting a gift from Rachel. I sort of peeped around the corner and watched her give you an Ipod." Rachel had given him an Ipod and a kiss, even now, after being married to Sam, the memory of that moment, still hurt.

"I was such a jerk back then. How did you put up with me?"

"I have a soft spot for jerks I guess. Besides it wasn't your fault you liked Rachel and not me. I kept setting myself up to get crushed by you."

She never let herself get the hint with him, she always managed to convince herself to hold on another day, that tomorrow he would see the light. All those tomorrows added up to a year, a full year of being rejected.

"You know I liked you back then," he said tilting her head up with her chin, so that she would look him in the eyes.

"I did know which made it worse." She shook her head out of his grasp, not wanting to lose herself in the green of eyes just yet. "It doesn't matter now though, it's in the past."

"Ancient history," he said pulling her onto his chest. "Thankfully I came to my senses and married you. Now we're never going to be apart."

He pressed kisses into her hair, held her so close she could feel his fingers boring into her arm. He needed her to believe him, she could feel it.

"Except today when you go out and celebrate your birthday away from this house. Finally you're fully recovered from that infection and I go and get sick, but I don't want that to hold you back. Go have some fun," she said looking up at him.

His whole body moved as he shook his head. "Unless you're coming with me, I'm not budging."

"Stop being stubborn," she scolded with a wag of her finger.

"Nope. So tell me what you got me for my birthday last year."

Mercedes tensed, it was embarrassing enough just reliving the day in her mind, she didn't want to tell him the rest. "It was stupid, nothing compared to an Ipod."

"Tell me. I want to know."

She took a deep breath. They were married now, it wouldn't hurt for him to know. "I bought you a CD. Barry Manilow - Unplugged."

Sam was still for a moment, not saying anything. "Hmm what made you choose that?" he finally asked.

Mercedes shrugged. "I heard some of the execs picking with you one day, teasing you about how you still have CDs and vinyl, saying you probably had Barry Manilow's greatest hits."

"So you decided to get me a gag gift?" He still hadn't relaxed, as if he were holding his breath for her response.

"No I thought you'd like it, something about your eyes when they were teasing you, like they'd hit a nerve. So I snooped in your office once when you were at meeting, found your CD player and your CDs. I saw that you actually did have some Barry Manilow, hidden behind the others."

He rested his head on top of hers as he spoke. "My mom used to play a lot of music when I was growing up. Before she had kids she used to be a groupie for some band, I think David Bowie or something, but anyway once she settled down she didn't go to concerts anymore, but she used to have her own private jam sessions with her records. She would play The Dead, The Stones, and Bowie for hours."

"How did Barry Manilow fit in there?"

"She had some of his stuff too. She used to wind down to it, smoke some weed, have a glass of wine, you know chill out."

"I actually can picture Sue doing this."

"After the Manilow I knew she would be coming upstairs to cuddle with me in bed, and she'd hum songs to me until I fell asleep. I like his music, it calms me."

"Those are some nice memories you have there," she said tearing up at the image of a little Sam sleeping close to his mom. It was amazing he kept something like that with him all these years, how he held the feelings he got from a song still close to his heart.

"I would've loved the gift Cede," he said sliding down the bed so they were eye to eye once more. "I'm sorry I was too stupid to accept it from you." He leaned in and kissed her, harder than he'd done since their wedding day. He was finally healthy and she felt it in the intensity of his kiss.

She shook her head, pulling away from him. She didn't need his apologies, not anymore. She just needed him. "I returned the CD, but on your next birthday I promise I'll give you some Barry Manilow, to help keep you calm."

"You keep me calm, just having you by my side, you're all I need," he said hugging her to his chest again, a soft sigh escaping his lips as she squeezed his torso to be even closer to him. "But I won't turn down that CD."

It wouldn't be quite like the birthday she'd promised him last year, not like he would remember that promise anyway, but hopefully he would be happy with the party, even if with her in attendance. She wasn't his source of calm anymore, his entire body was on edge whenever she came near him, but maybe Barry Manilow would step up to the task, give him back some of that peace he had in his mom's arms as a child.