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Stop The Cavalry
Wish I was at home for Christmas.
Wish I could be dancing now, in the arms of the girl I love.
8th December 2018
Dear Rachel.
It breaks my heart that after two wonderful years together, we won't be able to celebrate Christmas together this year. I have a promise from Quinn that you won't spend the day alone. She has your Christmas gift too; I bought it the last time I was in New York. When I saw it, I immediately thought of you so I hope you like it.
Since Christmas is approaching there is a good moral here at the base. A couple of the guys have got their hands on a few Santa hats which have boosted the festive mood. We're all looking forward to the Christmas lunch; I heard good things about it from some of the other soldiers who have experienced a Christmas on duty before.
I suppose I'm lucky in that respect, out of three years of service this is my first Christmas away from my family, away from you. At least Puck is here with me. Please tell Quinn there is no need to worry, we have each other's backs. We've always had each other's backs.
I still haven't found out the date I can come home, but it looks likely that I won't be home before the new year. Once I do find out the date, you'll be the first to know. That way you can get me some front row seats to your new show. I can't wait to see you light up that stage again. I've often seen it in my dreams, but it's nothing compared to seeing it in real life.
All my love,
Santana.
4th January 2019
Dear Santana
I spent Hanukah with my fathers and then as you requested I spent Christmas with Quinn.
I joined Quinn for Christmas mass at her church. As you know it's a tradition she's carried on since leaving home and she thought it would be a good idea for me to join her. We prayed for both you and Noah to return home to us safely.
We also met a few other women whose husbands are serving in the military this Christmas. They told us about a group that they are part of called Army Wives Unite. They meet up once a month to talk about any issues they have and to generally catch up with each other.
They also have other groups too for family, friends and husbands of service men and women.
It's a place where Quinn and I can get to know people going through the same thing and listen to how they each cope with being away from their loved ones.
Quinn and I are going to join the wives next month, although technically I'm not a wife, but at least I'm not the only one since Noah hasn't gotten on bended knee to ask for Quinn's hand either.
It seems such a long time ago since you and Noah approached Quinn and I in that night club. I've never looked back since that day.
Be safe and remember that I love you.
Yours always, Rachel.
12th February 2019
Dear Rachel.
I'm sorry that I'm still not home with you. I have been told that I should be given at least a two week leave in the next couple of months. As always, you'll be the first to know.
In the meantime I'm glad that you have found a place that you can feel comfortable talking to other people who are in the same situation as you. There are a group of us here who often talk about our partners left behind, it helps to share and it helps us bond.
You don't need to worry about not being an official Army wife, you know that I would marry you in a heartbeat, but you also know my reservations. This time away from you has given me time to think. I have seen many things whilst I've been here, I've seen things that no one should see and I have lost friends.
It has taught me to grab life with both hands and that if I have a good thing right in front of me I should take it while I have the chance and never let go. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, you took a chance on me even though you know the life I lead.
You knew that there would be a chance that we would spend many months out of the year apart yet you chose to not let that get in the way and decided to love me anyway. I see now that you are the one thing that I never want to lose.
I have fought against the enemy, but that has never scared me, however, the thought of ever losing you does. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Now before you get ahead of yourself, this isn't a proposal. I wouldn't want to ask the most important question of my life through a letter. I wouldn't want to deny myself the pleasure of seeing your face when I ask.
I just want you to know that if I was home for Christmas then maybe the necklace I gave you might have been a ring.
All my love,
Santana.
3rd March 2019
Dear Santana.
How is it that even though you are miles away, you can still take my breathe away?
You've always had a habit of struggling to communicate your feelings verbally, but it seems you can easily put all of your emotions down in words.
You right in saying that I do know your reservations for not getting married and although I have tried to argue against them, I have always understood them. As much as it upsets me to think that it's possible that you might not come home to me, that still wouldn't stop me from marrying you.
I would rather be a widow than give up the chance to marry you. I'm glad to know that you have finally come around to my way of thinking and that possibly one day I will be able to call you my wife. However, I also want to make it clear that my comment about not being an official army wife wasn't a hint. Although I will also admit if it helped bring the idea of marriage into the forefront of your mind then I'm glad I did say it.
It fills my heart with happiness that you want to marry me one day and that you may have put some thought into how you want to propose. You have slightly taken the surprise out of the idea, but as you know I'm not one for surprises.
I would rather know that it is a possibility than go on thinking that it might never happen. I'll be here waiting for you to ask, whenever you are ready. Even if you change your mind and decide that you are not ready then I'll still be here waiting.
I love you so much and I always will.
Yours always, Rachel.
16th April 2019
Dear Rachel.
I have finally been given my date of leave. I'll be home at the end of this month and will be with you for a whole three weeks. I can't wait to have you in my arms again, to get back to the life we have started together.
Quinn has probably told you that Puck has been given his leave too and we have a week that overlaps. It will be nice to double date with them like we used to when we first started dating. I remember those times fondly; just like I remember the night I first met you.
Puck and I were standing at the bar when you approached the other side with Quinn. Puck told me that he has seen the hottest girl at the bar and told me to look your way. I couldn't help but agree with him, you were the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen. I was ready and willing to fight Puck right there and then for your affections and I can't tell you enough how relieved I was that Puck was actually talking about the blonde standing next to you.
He may have been referring to Quinn but I couldn't see her, not with you standing next to her. You took my focus away; I couldn't take my eyes off you. I still can't to this day and I'm always wondering what I did to deserve you. I must be the luckiest person in the world.
The sight of your face can always make me feel better. I have a photo of you in my pocket, right next to my heart. Your smile is a cure for sadness and although it's just as beautiful in a photograph, I can't wait to see that smile in real life.
I'll see you soon.
All my love,
Santana.
5th May 2019
Dear Santana.
Noah told me the news that your leave has been cancelled. He said that it was at last minute notice and that you didn't have chance to contact me. He also explained that you might not be able to contact me for a few weeks.
It's been nice having Noah around. He told me a few tales of what the two of you have been up to while you've been away. He also told me not to worry about you because you can take care of yourself. I've never doubted that, but even with Noah's kind words it still doesn't stop me from worrying.
I know that it's a selfish thing to say but I've felt rather envious towards Noah and Quinn. I'm happy that they have been reunited and can spend some time together, but I can't help but feel jealous. We all went out to dinner last night and instead of the double date we should have been having with you here, I ended up feeling like a third wheel.
It was painful watching them be together and so in love when you are still thousands of miles away from me. I was envious of them; I wanted us to be the ones that were acting so stupidly in love with each other.
I think Quinn noticed that I was feeling a little sad because she tried to get Noah to be less affectionate in front of me, but then I started to feel guilty that they had to restrain themselves because god knows I wouldn't if you were here with me.
I thought that I was so close to seeing you again and it broke my heart to have that chance taken away from me, from us. You were wrong when you said that you luckiest person in the world because you come at least second to me. I'm so lucky to have someone like you, so full of passion and someone who makes me feel safe. I just hope that you are.
As always I'll be here waiting to hear that you are okay.
Yours always, Rachel.
15th July 2019
Dear Rachel.
I'm sorry that it's been so long since we have last spoke. This job is unpredictable sometimes and I was needed but that's the reason I'm here.
I know that it must have been hard for you to see Quinn and Puck being reunited when we are still apart and there is no need to feel guilty about being envious. I felt the same when Puck returned and he told me what it was like to see Quinn again.
However, I am glad that even if we didn't get to see each other that our friends did. Puck told me yesterday the news that Quinn found out that she is pregnant. Although I'm happy for them, it seems so bittersweet.
Puck has already shared the news with the rest of the camp. He seems so excited; I just hope that he makes it home to see the birth of his child.
I can't believe that it's been nearly a year since we last saw each other, a year is a long time, but still it feels like much longer.
The first few weeks after leaving you are always the hardest. The first night sleeping alone in a tent is tough after spending every night in your arms.
It starts to get easier to slip into my routine as the weeks go by, but then the weeks turn into months and the homesickness sets in again. I start to wish I was back in your arms again, yearning to hear your voice and to feel your touch once more.
I miss your kisses the most. The simple ones that come naturally. The ones you greet me with or the ones before we go to sleep at night. I even miss the ones we share when we say goodbye before I leave for duty.
Whatever the reason for the kiss you always put so much emotion, so much love into each and every one of them. I crave your kisses every day.
I'm counting down the days until we see each other again.
All my love,
Santana.
9th August 2019
Dear Santana.
I'm glad to hear that you are safe; my mind can now slightly rest at ease.
It's funny how much I realized that I look forward to your letter every month, especially after not receiving one for weeks. Every day I check the mailbox and search each letter for one containing your hand writing. I always feel slight disappointment when I don't find one, even when I know that I shouldn't expect one.
The more time that passes the harder things seem to be, especially when I thought that you would have been granted some sort of leave by now. Even then it seems to be hard, I miss you for most of the year and then you come home for only a short period of time before you have to leave again.
I feel exactly the same way you do, every time you leave. It feels like a part of me is missing, my heart feels like a jigsaw and you're the missing piece. I'm only fully complete when you are back at home with me.
I went to visit your parents last week and we went out to dinner. Your parents shared stories from when you were younger. It was nice, I felt like I had a connection with you again. You're parents have always been welcoming to me and for that I am grateful.
They have both offered to come and see my show which is very kind of them. I still keep a spare seat in the front row for you every night. I always imagine that you're there watching me and supporting me. It sounds silly, but I always hope that you'll surprisingly turn up. I know that it's impossible, but it's the hope that keeps me going.
Yours always, Rachel.
15th September 2019
Dear Rachel.
I'm glad that you keep a seat for me because I promise you that one day I will be sitting in it. I can't wait to see you light up that stage again. How is the show going?
Unfortunately I have to inform you that I am being sent on another excursion. This means that I won't be able to contact you for a few weeks. At least this time I have Puck with me so we can stick together.
It'll be good to get out of the camp for a few weeks; things can get a bit claustrophobic in here. We're with the same people day in day out doing the same thing and it can all start to become overwhelming.
It also helps to keep my mind from thinking about you, not in a bad way though. I spend every spare minute thinking about how I wish I could talk to you or just see your face. If I'm kept busy it helps stop the heartache that I feel being away from you.
I know that I chose this life, but that was before I met you. I don't regret the choices I made, I'm proud to fight for my country and I'm also grateful. I'm grateful for you and to you for sticking by me these past years.
I'm not sure that I would have been able to make it without your letters or without the hope that one day I'll be coming home to you. It gives me something to aim for; something to make sure I stay alive for and I promise that I'll do what ever it takes for me to make it back to you.
All my love, Santana.
11th October 2019
Dear Santana.
I hope that you are doing well.
I'm glad that you and Noah are together for the excursion. It slightly eases Quinn and my nerves to know that you have each other to keep each other safe. The less stress Quinn has the better. You should see her now, she looks so different with her little baby bump. I'm sure that Noah has shown you the photographs that Quinn has sent him.
Quinn and I are thinking about attending a Halloween get together at Sarah's house. She's one of the women we met at church last year that belongs to Amy Wives Unite. It's been a long time since either of us has been for a night out.
I suppose a night out is going to become even rarer with Quinn's pregnancy. Not that I'm complaining, I can't wait to see the child that Quinn and Noah have created.
The show is going great, we have been told that we have been given another year which means that there will still be a seat still waiting for you. I'm glad that I can keep working on the show; it helps keep my mind busy so that I'm not constantly worrying about you.
It's the same way in which being out of the camp helps to take your mind of me so I fully understand what you are saying. It's been working recently, I have the show to concentrate on and every month Quinn and I attend the A.W.U meetings.
It has helped listening to other women who are going through the same thing. A lot of the women have a lot more experience than I do so it's nice to hear things from a experienced perspective. I was worried at first about the meetings, but they welcomed Quinn and I with open arms and easily accepted that I had a girlfriend in the military and not a boyfriend or husband.
The meetings help a lot and although I try and keep my mind busy, you are never far from my thoughts.
Remember that I love you and be safe.
Yours always, Rachel.
3rd December 2019
Dear Rachel.
I am writing this letter from a hospital bed but don't worry, I'm okay.
I don't want to go into too much detail, but I have injured my arm. I know I said not to worry, but the injury is quite serious. I was in surgery two days ago and only now has my head been clear enough to write to you. I would have called but I have no access to a phone.
The only good thing to come out of this is that they are sending me home. I have to stay in the hospital for a week or so more so they can monitor me but with my injury there is no way I can carry on in service for weeks or possibly months to come.
This is it Rachel, I'm finally coming home to you. There is no need for you to reply to this letter because by the time you receive it, I will be on my way home to you.
I should be home on the fifteenth, but I may be a little late because injury or not I have to make a visit to a jewelry store first.
All my love,
Santana.
A/N Merry Christmas everyone!
Song: Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie