Chapter 4

We had been walking away from the shopping district and were now at another place.

I wonder how many times I've been here with her.

The high ground park was where I had saved the plum-haired girl walking next to me.

We approached the rails that were saving us from falling off into the lower ground.

I watched the horizon without trying to stare directly into the sun that was now half-covered.

"Wahh, the sun looks really neat, huh Shido?"

"Yeah."

I nodded with a smile. I didn't look at her. Part of me didn't feel like I could.

However everything was silent.

It was as if the entire city was telling me that no progress would be made if I didn't do something.

I gave myself another moment to take in this scene before doing what I was about to do.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and then exhaled.

It took everything I had to just reopen my eyes.

And then it started.

"Tohka."

"…What is it?"

Tohka was still looking into the distance.

"I have a favor to ask of you."

"…I see."

I don't think she was going to ask what kind of favor it was, so I decided to tell her before she could.

"Could you…hit me?"

Tohka turned her head to look at me. Her gaze was strong and a little defiant. Of course it'd be.

"Why would I do something like that?"

"Because I think I deserve it."

The moment I said so, Tohka looked at me with a frown. Regardless, she brought up her left hand and clenched it into a fist. As quickly as she had formed the fist, she began to launch it into the direction of my right cheek.

I closed my eyes and braced myself for the hit, but it never came.

I opened my eyes again, but the moment I did, Tohka's fist lightly tapped its target.

I was confused.

"…That's all you get."

Tohka brought her hand back.

"Hey, you can hit me harder than that."

Honestly, I was a little disappointed.

"…I don't want to."

Tohka began to look away and pout. I wasn't really sure how I would convince her to hit me any harder, so I gave it a rest. But now I was feeling a sense of guilt that I couldn't get rid of. I hung my head a little.

"This is about her, isn't it?"

That question made me jerk my head back up to look at Tohka.

"What are you talking about?"

"You can't fool me."

Tohka turned to look back at me.

"You've been thinking about her all day."

I widened my eyes a little. Was I that obvious?

"You want to see her."

Tohka was now facing her whole body towards me.

"You want to see…Kurumi Tokisaki."

He was an open book.

Did he really think he could hide himself from me?

I'd been with him long enough to know what he was thinking.

Everyone's used to thinking that I'm an airhead.

But I've been learning. Learning about how people grow. And how they fall in love.

This man, the man who gave me my name, and also the one who saved me, was thinking of another girl.

She was the one who was out of his reach.

They say you never know what you have until it's gone.

I guess that time he spent with her made him think about her even more.

But who knows?

I'm not a mind reader.

That's why I agreed to go on the date that he invited me to today.

Unfortunately he didn't seem very into it.

All day he would be dozing off into who knows where, and I had to get his attention back constantly.

And now we were at the high ground park. The place where it started for us.

And this was where it was going to end.

He had asked me to hit him.

I agreed. But only because I was going to give him a soft tap.

The look of him flinching was a little funny.

It made me wish that he was mine.

So to see if he really would be mine, I put him on the spot. I call him out and said that he wanted to see the person he was thinking about.

And now I'm eagerly waiting for his answer. I repeated myself so that he couldn't make the excuse that he didn't hear me.

"You want to see Kurumi again, don't you?"

I gave a smile to ease his tension. He looked surprised.

"Why are you asking me that?"

"Isn't she part of the reason why you wanted me to hit you?"

He froze for a moment and then nodded.

"…Yeah."

My smile widened, and so did the ache in my chest.

"Ba-ka~"

I spoke as calmly as I could. Shido seemed upset.

"If you knew then why didn't you just ask me earlier?"

It seems Shido didn't know that I was onto him from the very beginning.

"I thought the date would take your mind off things."

Shido gave a sigh. I figured this would be my chance.

"And to see if it would still work."

Shido looked at me with surprise.

"To see if what would still work?"

I responded as casually as I could.

"You and me."

The pace of my heart quickened a little from thinking about that. Shido blushed a little. It made me a little happy.

"M-Me and you…?"

He couldn't make eye contact anymore and looked away.

So I walked up to him, grabbed his face with my hands, and turned them so that he would have to look at me again. I stared into his eyes. They were a nice brown.

"Shido…what if I told you that I loved you?"

Hearing what Tohka-san had said, my heart began to ache, for a reason that I couldn't really understand.

No, it more than just ached. It hurt. I was hoping that it wasn't a health problem. I had so much to do.

I should have been used to this kind of pain. But it was different. It was something that I couldn't exactly use my powers to heal.

But I kept listening, suddenly eager to hear what Shido-san's response would be. His voice could still be heard from here, but he didn't speak until a few seconds later.

"I…would be really happy."

It may seem sudden, but I should probably mention that I've killed people.

Living organisms who can arguably be deemed as human beings.

For some reason, I started thinking about how many people I've killed.

How I probably ruined their future and devastated their world.

I hadn't died yet.

But for some reason, I thought that maybe my world was being devastated. Shido-san being with Tohka-san more than usual would make it difficult for me to use him.

"I see."

The person who replied was Tohka-san.

"If you told me that you loved me, I'd be screaming with joy."

Well, that was what he said.

My smile widened, and so did my sadness.

That wasn't all there was. That couldn't be all there was.

"I'd probably tell you that I loved you too."

That part cheered me up a little. Maybe that was what he was after.

"But…there's more to it than that."

I took my hands off of Shido's face, but like he said, he still had more to say afterwards.

"I really do love you, Tohka. But…"

Shido clenched his fists.

"I…I want to see her first!"

It all came pouring out.

"It's not fair."

Shido clenched his fists even tighter.

"We're all happy, and she's out there, fighting."

"She's alone, and we're here going out and eating our favorite foods."

"I don't even know if she's living in a home. I don't even know if she's eating at all."

"She has a soft side that she doesn't share with anyone."

"She's stubborn and only shows up when she wants to or when we need her."

"She messes with me and then just leaves."

"She loves animals and has a really bad sense of humor."

"She's crazy and also makes a sport out of killing people."

"But…even so…I still…"

Shido couldn't say the last part, but I figured that was enough.

"Then, go see her."

To me that was the best thing to do. Shido seemed a little doubtful though.

"But…what about you?"

"What about me?"

It's not that I didn't care, but how I felt wasn't really going to change anything. And even if they could, I don't think it would be fair to change how he felt.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't giving him up either. If I was, I wouldn't have gone on a date with him today.

But if he's decided, then there probably isn't more that needed to be done.

It was sad.

And it was going to hurt for the rest of my life.

But I'd be happier if he was happy.

That's all there was to it.

So I took a deep breath, and was about to speak, but it was much harder than I thought it was. Somehow, I eventually managed.

"Shido, you should do what you want to do."

My voice was still steady. But my eyes had suddenly widened.

That was because his eyes had watered.

I don't think I've ever seen him cry. It sort of made me want to make him do it. I mean, I did just get rejected in a way. I can get away with this much, right?

"I'm sorry, Tohka…"

That apology stung. It hurt so badly that my eyes were getting watery too. Shido's silhouette was getting blurry.

"Don't apologize, idiot. It'll make her feel bad."

My voice had shook. Shido probably noticed. I wanted to give this topic a rest, but he still had another trick up his sleeve.

"Tohka…"

We were both trying not to talk with a choked voice.

"…What?"

I barely managed to make that response audible.

"Can you…let me cry a little?"

Now that I look back, it was a dirty trick.

"Why do you get to be the only one who cries?"

I didn't get an answer. Instead, he just wrapped his arms around me and buried my face into his chest.

It was a convenient position.

I couldn't see him cry.

He couldn't see me cry.

And so we just quietly cried our sadness away.

I had broken someone's heart.

It was probably going to happen sooner or later, considering the number of people I've dated and kissed.

I felt horrible. But to be honest, I also felt a little happy.

Tohka didn't hate me. At least, I hope that she didn't. In fact, she seemed to be supporting me.

It was hard for the both of us.

We continued to cry for a good amount of time.

When our crying was starting to calm down, Tohka pulled her head back, and we looked at each other.

"You look like a mess."

I was the one who had said that. Tohka grinned at me.

"Look who's talking, ba-ka~"

I couldn't help but smile back, but that smile quickly faded. There was one more thing I had to do.

I had to make it clear.

"Hey, Tohka."

Tohka was hanging her head as if she was thinking about something, but she looked back at me when I called to her.

"Do you love me?"

Tohka was stunned for a moment, and then her face turned red. She immediately broke away from our hug, her face still streaked with tears. It was a really weird look.

"Wh-Wh-Wh-Why would you ask me that now!?"

"It's important!"

"You're going to be with someone else!"

"That doesn't mean that my feelings will change!"

Tohka's face grew redder as I said that. I continued to talk.

"I might not be able to always be with you anymore…"

I clenched my fists again instinctively. I was being in the moment.

"…but I meant what I said on the day we met…"

Tohka's shoulders shook at my words.

"I'll never reject you. If you ever need me, I'll save you."

Tohka froze for a moment and then looked down. It was hard to see the expression on her face, and the sun was now three quarters behind the horizon.

"…do…"

"Eh? What was that?"

I couldn't hear what she had said.

"To your question…of whether I love you or not…"

Tohka was now shuffling her feet.

"I do…"

My heart skipped a beat.

"…I love you, Shido…"

My face was still wet from my tears.

Maybe asking her that question wasn't such a good idea, because suddenly I started feeling horrible again.

But with all the energy I had, I walked to the end of the high ground park where the handrails were.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I gripped the handrails with both of my hands as hard as I could. I think I might have dented it a little. I hung my head in agony and started pulling everything inward.

Then I immediately jerked my head up, stood as tall as I could, and let it all out.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

The sound of my voice startled Tohka, and it echoed throughout the entire park.

"TOHKA SAID SHE LOVED MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Wh-What are you doing!?"

I turned my head to look at Tohka.

"I told you, if you were to tell me that you loved me, I'd scream with joy."

I looked away to yell some more.

"I LOVE YOU TOO TOHKA!"

I saw Tohka scratching her head in embarrassment out of the corner of my eye.

"BUT…"

I was nearly at my limit.

"I - LOVE - KURUMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

I yelled even louder with that statement. When I finished, my throat felt like it would be incredibly sore the next day.

But I think it was necessary.

I shook away all of my doubts and worries.

My shame would be something that I would have to live with for the rest of my life.

But now I'd be able to move forward again.

I'll save her.

And I'll tell her.

"YOU HEAR THAT!?"

A voice that wasn't mine was coming from my left. Tohka had joined in.

"SHIDO SAYS HE LOVES YOU!"

Today may have been the worst day I've ever had.

"SO YOU BETTER JOIN US SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"

But one could argue that it was also the best.

"I WON'T FORGIVE YOU IF YOU DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON'T!"

That was her last message.

We were both out of breath.

We took a while to recover, and now only a very small part of the sun could be seen in the horizon.

"We should probably…head back…"

I was still a little out of breath.

"Yeah…we probably should…"

Tohka was the same.

"I'm still…not satisfied though."

Or so I thought.

"What do you mean…you're not satisfied? You just-"

I turned to look at Tohka while I was talking, but before I could finish, she wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her lips against mine.

We held our position.

I was so confused, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. But before I could decide on anything, Tohka had already pulled herself away. Whether it was because we were still out of breath or not, I couldn't tell.

"That was for the lousy date today…Jerk."

With her face turning red again, Tohka walked past me and started to leave me behind.

"You're never getting one from me again, you hear!?"

She turned around and stuck her tongue out at me. The behavior made me grin. I followed Tohka shortly after.

"What do you mean lousy!? We went to all of your favorite places!"

Tohka didn't answer back. She kept trotting off, and I had to jog a little to catch up to her. When I did, it felt as if nothing had changed.

But something did change.

I had a different goal now.

To be honest, I think the scene that Tohka and I had was completely pointless.

No matter what happened, it looked like we would still be good friends. We could probably still even go out, just not as often.

The only difference was that we probably couldn't kiss, and like I said earlier, I couldn't always be there for her now.

But Tohka was surprisingly sharp today.

I think she's learning to take care of herself better.

Actually, it could be that she knew how I felt before I even did.

So one could say that she's been learning to take care of herself for my sake.

Thanks, Tohka.

I'm glad I fell in love with you.