"Please… Stiles." The words echoed in his mind. That feeling… the Nogitsunes feelings poured into him, twisting his stomach.
His eyes flew open, sucking in a hard breath. He felt Lydia's body pressed up against him, she wasn't wearing much, she was shivering. He was cold too. No. No. Nonononono! He felt the familiar tingle in his hands as they started to shake violently. Then the sickening feeling pulsed through him. Oh god, I'm in my room. Oh god, no. Please no. No. NO. This didn't happen. I didn't let this happen, not to her not like that! His breathing got sharper, his chest constricted. He had hurt her and she… she asked him not to. He was going to be sick. He wanted to die. His legs betrayed him as he clambered out of his bed and ran to the bathroom slightly aware that he was wearing his pajama bottoms and no shirt. He slammed the door behind him. Throwing up anything and everything that his body had inside of it.
Stiles slid onto the floor, with his legs bent, elbows resting on his knees as he cradled his head into his hands. He felt a shudder tear through his body. He was still shaking, his breathes still short. Oh god… I liked it. He heard the sob come from his chest, but it sounded muffled. He was falling full blown into panic attack. "Stiles? Are you okay?" He heard her voice through the door. Oh god… no… no. This isn't real. "Stiles I'm coming in!" When Lydia came through the door, she found Stiles shivering on the floor covering his face. He was panicking, breath quick and mumbling. "this isn't real. Oh god this isnt real." Lydia slowly walked over to him, kneeling down. Pulling his hands away so he could see her. Her hands felt warm against his icy skin. He couldn't bring himself to look at her. Stiles could hear the worried tone of her voice. I hurt her and she is worried about me? The room felt too small. Lydia had stood to grab a towel to wipe the sweat from his face, but when she turned around he was gone. "Stiles?" Panic riddled her voice.
She could hear his shaky breath in his room. He stood bracing the wall with one hand, and dragging the other through his hair. She took the chance to slip between him and the wall. Her hands gently grabbing his face. "Stiles." Her voice soft. "This isn't real." Her heart seized. "Stiles, you are awake. Here count with me." She lifted her hands away from Stiles and he pushed back from the wall, bracing himself with his hands on either side of her.
"One..." his voice shaking. Gasping for air. He counted off each number until, "t-ten." He looked away from her hands and actually looked at her she was wearing his shirt and boyshorts. She looked so vulnerable pinned between him and the wall. This would never happen. This isn't real.
Anger flew through Stiles as the feeling of disgust for what he had done squeezed at him. This nightmare feeling more real than any of them. He growled low and deep with anger, then he slammed his fist into the wall. Pain vibrated through his arm, when he opened his eyes he saw Lydia covering her face with her arms. Oh god. This... this is real!
Panic hit him hard. Oh jesus... "W-what... oh god." He stumbled backwards away from Lydia. Anything to make her stop cowering before him. His back hit the ball across the room and he let his body hit the floor. Feeling the tears prick his eyes. He didn't want to hurt her, he never wanted that. I've ruined everything. There was a tense silence. Stiles couldn't bring himself to look at the vulnerable girl in his room. He could hear her shaky breathing, the sound like a punch to the stomach. Knocking all the air out of him. But it wouldn't come back.
This wasn't a typical panic attack. Stiles actually though he was going to die. He was okay with that. After what he had done he didn't deserve to breathe again. He felt his lips turning blue, and heard the sound of the sharp inhales his body was trying to swallow. "Oh no you don't Stiles!" Her voice was half a cry. "You do not get to stop breathing on me." There was fierce anger in her voice. She pulled his hands from his face. Pressing her lips to his hard. He could feel tears starting to spill over his lashes. A deep breath sucked through his nose. How does she do that? When her lips pulled away she left some space between the two of them.
Stiles slowly started the breath again. His still shaky hands wiping his face. "I-I'm... s-so... s-sorry." A sob released from his chest before he could stop it. "I-I didn't... I didn't mean to...god please don't... hate me." He was begging. If she hated him he wouldn't blame her, but it would hurt so much. "What?" There was shock and surprise in her voice. Stiles looks at her his whiskey eyes searching her emerald orbs. "Why... why would you say that?" There was a little bit of hurt in her voice.
"I-I hurt you... god Lydia I didn't mean... I didn't want..." his words choked by his hiccuped breath. The sobs didn't help his lungs get the air they needed. "Stiles what are you talking about?" Lydia looked confused and then there was a quiver of her bottom lip. "You... you didn't want to..." she felt stupid. But before she said anything else she looked at Stiles. Really looked at him. His eyes bruised from lack of sleep now red rimmed, and he looked utterly terrified. He was shaking uncontrollably. "Stiles get in bed." She didn't expect him to do it, but he did. He sat down with his knees bent and back against the headboard. Lydia was thinking of something to say to break the silence but Stiles did it for her. "Lyds..." he looked up at her "you know I wouldn't hurt you right. Please... tell me you know I would never make you do something you didn't want to do. Please... tell me you don't hate me for what I have done." A silent tear rolled down his cheek. Now she was really confused. She had no clue what he was talking about.
"Why would I hate you?" She gently grabbed his hand. He looked at her knowing he would have to tell her. "Because of what I let him do. In the tunnel, when he kidnapped you. I couldn't make him stop. I couldn't make him stop saying all those things, and touching you... saying that is what I wanted... not like that Lyds. Never like that. And this worst part is I felt how much he liked it and I think I liked it." He screwed his eyes shut not wanting to see how she looked at him.
"Stiles... the Nogitsune didn't touch me like that. He wanted you to think that." Her voice was so soothing, and soft. "Don't lie to me Lydia. I see how jumpy you are around me, how timid you are when you step into my room. Like I am going to blink and turn into him and force you into things all over again." A small laugh fell from her lips. She grabbed his face, forcing him to look at her. "Stiles... we did have sex. Tonight. That was the first time I have ever been with you, or any version of you." Her face looked like she was hurting, but not for herself, but for Stiles as understanding crushed through her. "Don't you remember, you asked permission." Her smile dampened by a tear.
Everything rushed back to him. The two of them twisted together in his bed. How he held her, kissed her and how she breathed his name. Telling him not to stop. "Oh... ye-yeah." His breath hitched as his body stirred at the thought. "Stiles..." she looked torn. She bit down on her lip and suddenly his fear changed from himself to her. He remembered how she pressed her head into him. I did hurt her, just not like I thought. "What is it Lydia?" His voice softened to the tone of the strong Stiles she always needed. "No one has ever held me like that, or well... it's never been like that. That was the best it has ever been. No one held my hand, no one asked if I was okay. And... no one has ever treated me like that." A tear slipped from her eyes. She was trying to will away the tears. "And no one has ever held me like they were going to lose me."
Stiles stared at her, his lips parting as every word she said hit him hard. All he has ever wanted to do was have her, but not for the sex. He wanted her for everything she had to offer. So it hurt him to hear that she had never been loved like that. It hurt him even more when he thought about how he punched the wall next to her. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I mean, I don't mean to scare you." She's still jumpy around me, and she is still timid and scared. I didn't make it better. "Stiles Stilinski, you don't scare me... but..." she paused and could see his shoulders visibly slumped as if he was expecting something worse. "The fact that I love you scares me. The fact that you are not okay scares me." The last part was quiet. He almost didn't hear it.
Stiles reached out and pulled her into his lap. Tugging the comforter up around him he pressed her body into his firm torso. She was wrapped up in him, his hand holding her head to his chest, and his other arm wrapped around her waist. "Lyds." He whispered as they now lay together him holding her as though she would be pulled from him. "Yeah?" Her voice shook.
"I've wanted to touch you like that since we were in seventh grade. Don't think for one minute when I said I didn't want to before that I meant make love to you." Lydia inhaled sharply. She was never more in love with him than she was now. "I know." She whispered. Stiles felt warm liquid touch his chest. Lydia was crying.
Shit. "I hurt you didn't I?" Stiles lifted her chin to look at her eyes. "Don't deny it. Please." Lydia took a deep breath, feeling a twinge between her legs. "A little." Stiles swallowed hard. He knew it. He had been too rough with her, gotten carried away. "Why didn't you tell me? I could have stopped." His eyes full of concern. Lydia had to squash that right then and there. She swallowed and took a moment before answering. "Lyds, please." He begged.
With a heavy sigh, she smirked at him. "Because it wasn't what you were doing that hurt. Stiles... I... you... you are the best I've ever had, and the uh..." she bit her lip and her cheeks shined pink. "Tell me." Stiles' voice soft, and so... loving. "Well.. Stiles you are the most gifted man I have ever had the pleasure to be with." His breath shook as he laughed a little. He wasn't expecting that. Not that at all.
"Lydia Martin, are you telling me that I am too big for you?" He tried to lighten the mood. His lips curled at the corners smirking down at her feeling the lust fill him again. "You are a lot to handle Stilinski and I love you." A laugh escaped her lips.
Stiles flopped backwards flush on his back being overly dramatic as he flung his right arm over his face. "Oh god she loves me! Finally!" He almost yells. Lydia tries to suppress a laugh but she can't. In one swift strong movement Stiles has her laying on top of him her nose to his. "I love you Lyds. I always have and I am not going to stop now." He kissed her passionately. Her hips pressed into him a silent plea for more. With shaky breath Stiles pulled away slightly, "we aren't sleeping tonight are we?" His smirk was met with a laugh from Lydia. "Only if you don't let me go."
Stiles response was a deep kiss, then rolling her beneath him once more.