Chapter 17

"You expect me to believe you have feelings for me? You don't even remember me."

"I spent one of the best nights of my life with you." That was the truth.

Of all the times he could remember, seeing Michael Jordan play live, the first time he kissed Quinn, the night he proposed to Brittany, being with Quinn during the limo crash, the night he spent with Mercedes in his hospital bed ranked up there with some of his most coveted memories.

She regarded him warily, her face softening the longer he stared back at her. She could deny everything else, fight his sincerity about nearly everything he'd said to her up to this point, and she'd be right to, he had been deflecting the truth, but their night together, that was something he never lied about, not to her. It felt wrong to taint such a perfect memory with dishonesty.

"Why am I even still listening to you?" she asked, shaking her head, averting her eyes toward the floor.

"I'm telling you the truth. Think about it. I may not remember all the stuff before, but I do remember now. I know that I forged this incredible bond with the woman that helped nurse me back to health. We spent so much time together, just talking. You were my shoulder, my support. I couldn't have made it through all of that without you. What we have means something to me."

"If I mean so much to you, how could you do this to me? Do you know how humiliating it is find out your husband is cheating on you from a gossip blog?"

"I didn't sleep with Quinn." He said, hoping this time she'd actually believe him.

He hadn't thought things through last night. All he knew was he had to get Quinn out of the hospital. Nothing else had mattered to him at the time. He didn't stop to think about lurking photographers or the look on Mercedes' face when she found out the truth. Although he knew she would be angry with him for freeing Quinn, he sensed her dislike for the woman bordered on hate, but he never anticipated the hurt look that persisted in her eyes. Her big brown eyes were even sadder now that she had seen that picture of him with Quinn. By denying the validity of her feelings for him, he had managed to keep himself in check, his inconvenient attraction for Mercedes blocked, but in doing so he only managed to hurt her more. Now that he accepted and believed that his wife was truly in love with him, the impact of his actions had hit hard, pounding him with guilt and remorse.

"As if I believe that."

"It's true."

"Here's what's true, last night while you were out not," she began, air quoting the word 'not' with her fingers. "Cheating on me with Quinn I was home tossing and turning on the couch."

"Why weren't you in the bed?" Probably not the most appropriate question, but it jumped out at him.

"Because I don't sleep there anymore, the couch is where I usually stay. I sometimes find peace there, but last night I woke up screaming."

Then he remembered, she'd told him that before, when they were at the hospital. She couldn't sleep in her bed without her husband, so she'd come to the hospital and climb in bed with him. At that time he didn't realize he was said husband, and he had thought it a tad strange that a nurse would get in bed with her patient, but at the same time he had been almost flattered. Even in a coma he was making her feel better. Now he knew that all of this was about missing him. A part of him wished he could erase that bit of knowledge and pretend that she was still his nurse with an infatuation. There was great responsibility in realizing he was the key to her finding solace in the night.

Watching her sleep, her head heavy on his shoulder, her warm breath making him tingle, rest eluded him as he focused on lightly tracing the outline of her lips with his finger. She looked so peaceful, so different than she had just a half hour before when she had been crying hysterically in his arms, fleeing some unknown terror in her dreams. She had called out for him in her frenzied state, half dream and half wake, instinctively reaching for him in the darkness, as if she expected him to be there. Such a strange creature his nurse was proving to be. Her mysteries had captivated him completely, and he pledged to himself that he would unravel every one, starting with how she managed to have lips so perfectly shaped.

"Was it dark where you were? When you were in the coma?" she asked so quietly he had to strain to hear her. He hadn't realized she was awake. Her eyes were still closed.

"I don't know can't remember anything about it." No one had asked him about his coma before, although Sam was sure everyone was curious. He often caught his family and even his doctors watching him expectantly, as if at any moment he would reveal the secrets of the unconscious mind.

"I always was so scared you were stuck in the dark, alone where I couldn't find you." Her voice trembled as tears trickled from the corners of her still closed eyes.

Sam squeezed her around her shoulders, bringing her body even closer to his own. "You were searching for me? Trying to bring me back?" In his mind, he could almost picture her tip toeing in the darkness, calling his name, attempting to rouse him from his never ending sleep.

"Oh yes," she said finally opening her eyes to look at him. "I would've never stopped looking for you. I couldn't leave you in the dark with the evil lurking. Bad things happen in the dark."

"What made you afraid of the dark?" he asked. Although Sam was more interested in the content of her dreams. He wanted to know what caused her to wake up screaming.

She took a deep breath as she pulled herself upright beside him. "When you're all alone with no one to care about you, the darkness consumes, it follows you even into the light. It chased me Sam, until I found you. You kept it away, kept me safe." She smiled at him, reaching down to caress his cheek. "But then it came for you too. I lost you to the dark." Fear replaced that smile as Sam strained to read the contours of her face in the shadows.

"Mercedes you're not making any sense. Please tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong. You escaped into the light. It can't hurt you anymore. I gave myself back to the dark instead."

Sam's pulse was echoing in his ears. He didn't understand what she saying, it probably was some side effect of the drugs she had been given, but he could feel her fear as tangibly as if it were his own.

"Mercedes listen to me," he said sitting up too, straining the limits of the tubes in his arm. He turned her toward him, lifting her chin with his hand so he could see into her eyes. "You're not alone. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to be afraid. I'm going to keep you safe from the dark."

She shook her head away from his hand, her eyes falling to focus on her lap. "Sam you don't remember. You can't – "

He kissed her, soft and full on the lips, cutting off her words, needing her to know that he meant all that he had said.

She sighed softly, a small smile flickering on her face as he wrapped her in his arms. "I promise I'll be here to pull you back, to make sure you make it to the light each morning."

"How are you going to do that?" she asked, her voice sounding low and dreamy.

"We'll watch the sunrise together every day. And we'll know we're both safe."

He had kept his promise that morning, they had watched the sun come up together, but many sun rises came and went between then and now. He had let his promise fall to the back of his mind once he was entrenched with his own problems, never once thinking that Mercedes might be somewhere silently holding him to his word. He had let her down. Again.

"You had a nightmare," he said, his stomach dropping at the thought.

She nodded quickly in response. "And no one was there but Beth. Usually if Beiste was home she would sit with me, but I was alone, totally alone and I was scared." She wiped at the tears that had started to fall with the back of her hand. "I needed you and you weren't there."

"I'm sorry Mercedes." Those words didn't seem like enough. He had no excuses to offer that would do any good. She was right. He hadn't been there for her.

"You can keep your apology. It's meaningless. You weren't thinking about me. You were too busy getting busy," she spat out angrily.

"I'm trying." Sam shoved his hands in his pocket, looking up at the ceiling, wishing the right words were scribbled above his head. "I've been honest with you about my feelings for Quinn and my confusion. How can you hold that against me?"

"I get it, you don't remember, so you can't love me anymore. What I don't get is you breaking your vows. You know you're married, you understand what that means. You lost your memory, not your mind Sam."

It wasn't fair that he had to shoulder it all. He'd pushed the boundaries of their vows but so had she. At least he was willing to fight for their marriage. She had been trying to quit on him for weeks, ever since his meltdown at the hospital. Seemed to Sam that she was the one breaking her vows, Mercedes wasn't willing to weather the bad.

"What about you? You vowed to love me, for better or worse, yet you're throwing in the towel. What's up with that Mercedes?"

"You arrogant bastard. You think you get to keep the perks of having a wife while you sneak off to hotels with Quinn?"

Nothing was coming out right. After all the denial, the pushing her away, and now the photo, how could he possibly expect her to listen?

"I wish so much that things could be different for you, for us. I don't know where to put these feelings I have for you. I shouldn't even be having them."

So much of this had nothing to do with Quinn, but Mercedes couldn't see that. She was letting all their 'after' block their 'before'. What they shared at the hospital meant a great deal, and she was acting as if she wanted to ignore that.

"I'm your wife. You're supposed to love me, not Quinn."

Their eyes connected and he felt himself getting lost in the watery depths. If only he had three wishes, he'd use one to cut himself in two. So that he could exist in this life with her and keep all those whispered promises he made in the dark. She had this way of making him want things he shouldn't, of making him wish he were a man he could never be again.

"Everything inside me is saying the opposite. She's what's real to me. When I'm with her my life makes sense, I'm not all pulled in multiple directions or caught off guard by random feelings. Quinn is the most vivid thing in my life. She's something solid and unwavering. I can't turn my back on that. But then there's you, ignoring you doesn't work, I can't stop thinking about you and wondering about you. There are so many questions I want to ask, so much I want to understand about you and us and about how we got here together. It's like you won't leave me alone. I can close my eyes and still see you, I'm standing right in front of you and all I want to do is touch you."

He reached out toward her not really intending to touch her at all, but she backed away from him all the same.

"I don't want to be number two in your heart. I've been there already and it sucks. I can't do it again. You fell in love with me and you married me. I got to be the one you wanted, finally. I'd rather give you up than go back to being a consolation prize."

There was no arguing that point. He had felt the same way.

"So what, we just leave things like this? We get divorced and that's it?"

"There's nothing left for us. I'd rather just hold on to my memories. I have some good ones, and walk away from all the pain."

She seemed so resolved in her decision, no tears, no wavering. Sam, however was reeling, it felt like yet another rejection in the long line of them that formed his life. The implications this had on the deal he made with his father felt almost secondary when he thought about the reality of Mercedes' words. He had failed in yet another relationship.

"What about the hospital? Do we forget about all of that too?" That was all the good he had with her, his only memories captured in a span of weeks. Didn't seem like nearly enough time.

"I think we were both just lonely. I missed my husband and you missed Quinn. We leaned on each other for a time, but now that time is over. I need to get on with my life. We both need to do that."

Getting on with his life was exactly what he wanted to do for weeks, but suddenly his legs felt heavy and his feet were dragging toward the door.

"Before I knew about Quinn and Beth, I really thought we could have been something. I sort of felt like I won the lottery, when I woke up to find such a special person in my life, I developed a major crush on the little nurse that was always by my side. I wanted so much to get to know you better." She smiled slightly, such a sweet sight he'd been missing from her tonight. He ran his finger along the curve of her button nose, a small indulgence, before letting his arm fall back to his side. "But everything's different now. Beth and Quinn are my family."

"What about me? I was here taking care of you, loving you, and just because I didn't give birth to Beth I don't matter?" she asked her face contorting as she grew more upset.

"I'm not saying that," he said keeping his voice steady. "You know how much I appreciate all you've done."

"I don't want your gratitude. I want my husband back! I prayed for a miracle, and I don't have much faith in prayers, but I got down on my knees for you and begged anyone who would listen to bring you back to me."

"It worked. I'm here now. I'm better," he said with a faked calm. Inside he was being ripped to shreds as he watched her cry even more tears over him.

"Yes you're better and I'm glad for that, but you came back wrong. You're not my husband, you're not the man I loved. Something happened to you, something got broken."

He felt like she'd hit him. "Mercedes you don't mean that."

Brittany had done this to him too, denying his identity and his place in her heart. She had accused him of not being the same, that war had damaged him and that an imposter had replaced the man she'd married. It nearly killed him to hear those words from her lips, their years of knowing each other, their love, their marriage, all disregarded in one strike. He had lost his wife and himself all at once, forcing him to resort to acts of desperation to restore his life.

Sam had been told that Mercedes was different, that she was the one right choice he'd ever made. While his mind couldn't quite digest that fact, something inside, maybe his heart, was starting to understand why he had given her his ring. She had loved him through everything, even during the short time he'd been around her he could see that. But now she was sucking him into some crazy flashback where he was once again being rebuked and rejected.

"Yes I do. My Sam would never treat me like this. Even at your worst you never hurt me this way. At least you used to be honest about your hatred instead of hiding it behind hollow promises and lies."

"There's nothing wrong with me," he said wanting to clamp his hands over his ears to drown out the sounds of her accusing him of being damaged. He was fine. The doctors had assured him only his memory had been impaired. "I just don't remember what we had."

"My Sam loved me," she said, her lower lip trembling as she cried.

"Mercedes we just need time."

"You can't remember me and you want Quinn, so why are you working so hard to make me believe you want to stay married?"

"What if I get my memory back after you divorced me? Once we decide to do this we can't take it back. I'm just not ready to make any drastic decisions."

"You're lying to me."

He wasn't. Not really.

"I'm not. I want us to make things work."

There was a part of him that wasn't ready to let this go. This wasn't about the deal or even Quinn. He felt a connection to Mercedes since waking up in the hospital and he wasn't sure he could just walk away from something like that. Sam knew he was being completely selfish to both Quinn and Mercedes but if he allowed himself to be honest, then he had to admit that he liked the fact that there was someone in this world that chose to share her life with him, and that meant just as much as to him as Quinn being the mother of his child. He wasn't willing to lose either one from his life.

"And your feelings for Quinn?" she asked, her body language unmistakably skeptical.

"I'll just ignore them. I respect my marriage and I want to honor our commitment." He really wanted to mean that, but some things were easier said than done. There wasn't a time in his life, that he could recall that is, where he was able to ignore Quinn Fabray.

Mercedes wasn't buying it. She stamped her bare feet on the floor as she spoke, punctuating each syllable of her rant. "Something's wrong with you. How can you keep lying to my face? You're defective or damaged. I don't know. Your brain didn't heal right. Stop trying to play me."

"Why can't you believe I want to be with you?" Sam could feel the urge to beg rising in his belly. He was losing her and he was running out of ideas on how to get her stay.

"I don't trust you anymore Sam. You keep lying to me, using me, cheating on me…"

"I swear on Beth's life that I didn't have sex with Quinn."

"But you wanted to right?" she asked, watching him closely as she waited for his response.

"There are lots of things I want."

He closed his eyes, blocking out the pain that was written all over her face. Quinn was between them and there was nothing he could do about it. She was the mother of his baby, she was in his heart, and she would always be there. He couldn't make this better for Mercedes, not without hurting himself in the process. Everything he wanted for his life, and his future was wrapped up in Quinn. He would have made love to her last night if she had let him. He knew that without question or hesitation. He loved her. Quinn was at the center of his every dream.

But Sam had other desires, just as real and present as the ones he had for Quinn, and those were all about Mercedes. He had wanted to make love to her too, during that time they shared in his hospital room. It wasn't about pent up lust, or loneliness, it was about her, and the mystery of her eyes, the brightness of her smile, and the way she looked at him like he could move mountains or corral the stars.

"There are lots of things I want too. I want to look in your eyes and see the love like I used to. I want to fall asleep in your arms every night. I want our sunrises back. The problem is I'm never going to get any of them."

"Everything you want is right here," he said pointing to his chest. "The man you love is still inside me. You just have to look for him."

"I have been looking and sometimes I thought maybe. Like when we were together at the hospital. It almost felt right."

"It felt right to me too." In this moment he knew. If there were no Quinn, it would be her. They would have had their date, and it would have been perfect. Sam could feel the possibility of something special with her, just out of reach.

"Until you found out you still had a chance with Quinn."

"When I put this ring on today." He held up his hand, pointing to his ring, as he sat down on the bed. "I made the choice to be with you in our marriage. And you told me you'd wait for me for as long as it took. You said you were mine. Was all that a lie?"

"It wasn't a lie," she said as she approached. "I meant every word and if I didn't love you so much I'd hold you here with me." Mercedes picked up his hand and held it letting her fingers trace the top of his ring. "But you don't want to be here Sam. Not really."

"I've been trying to tell you I do." Sam opened his legs, and inched her closer, both hands firmly on her hips. "We might be able to make it through this, seems like we owe it to ourselves to try."

He could feel her pulling away but he held her there in front of him. He was done being skittish, he needed her to understand, to feel his words, because this was important and this was real.

"I don't know why you're doing this, if it's pity or some sort of sick game, but I can't be with you halfway. I shouldn't have to stay married to a man that has to force himself to want me."

"Mercedes look at me," he pleaded, putting both hands on her face trying to keep her focus.

She struggled with him for a moment, fighting to find a way to escape his eyes, finally she gave up, sighing as she let her head fall against his.

"Just let me go Sam."

"I can't," he said his voice barely above a whisper. "Why are you trying to leave me?" Mercedes looked at him her eyes wide and shining with unshed tears. She opened her mouth to respond, but Sam couldn't risk another protest.

A deep breath and a quick lick of his lips, then his hands were on her face and his lips were on hers. Slowly at first, a small series of pecks, just a test, then a gentle tug on her lower lip, because he couldn't resist, before he stopped, hovering above her mouth to wait. A soft moan that sounded like his name, and her hands were in his hair, her full lips covering his own. She kissed him hard, her lips crushing his with urgent pressure. Sam pulled her closer, his fingers gripping her bare back, kissing her with equal intensity. This was the kiss he had wanted in their bedroom earlier that day. All the passion, all the pain of months of waiting was poured into that kiss. She moaned against his mouth, opening herself to him, letting him go deeper. So he did, swirling his tongue against hers, forgetting all his denial, he let himself get lost in the feel of her hands on his scalp and the sweetness of her mouth.

Too soon it was over as the need for air forced them to part. Her lips were reddened, used, and lush. Sam ran his thumb across those lips, memorizing their shape, reveling in their softness.

"You just did that because you knew I'd let you," she said breathless with a hint of smile.

"Actually I thought you would hit me." He laughed nervously still half waiting for that slap.

"Thank you for kissing me," she said running her fingers first through his hair, then down along his cheeks, before trailing along his jaw. "Now I know for sure."

"So you felt it too?" he asked, his heart lifting with the hope that finally he found a way to make her stay. "Still need to have that dance don't you think?"

"Sorry," she said stepping out of his arms with a sad look on her face. "I'm sort of saving that dance for the man I married, and you're not him."

"No, I guess I'm not," he said so quietly he doubted she even heard his words.

Not that it mattered, she was already gone, leaving him with nothing but the quiet sounds of Beth sleeping and the sweet floral fragrance of her perfume.