Chapter 19
Sam looked over at Quinn as she waited for his response. There was a strange look on her face not quite nervous, not upset, almost something like fear, which was crazy since Quinn had no reason to be afraid of this conversation.
"Not even close to getting my memory back. It was just a couple of flashes," he said dismissively.
Remembering one little moment, a blip really, and nothing else, definitely was not a sign he was getting his memory back. Sam still wasn't even sure why he had remembered that particular moment. Nothing earth shattering had occurred. He wasn't on the brink of death trapped in the car, he wasn't getting busted for cheating, it was just sex. Not even sex, the aftermath of sex, the equivalent of remembering his last meal before the crash or what color tie he wore to the office last May, such a normal little nothing memory about lying on the floor with his wife. Sam inwardly scolded himself for his stupidity. He seriously needed to give up the denial, no one was falling for it anymore, he wasn't even fooling himself. The memory wasn't nothing, he knew it, and so did Quinn.
"But what if I never got my memory back, would it bother you?"
Perhaps that fear was contagious, because now Sam felt a rising dread. What if Quinn had been hesitant about their future because of his memory loss? Sam had just assumed that Quinn was okay with it because he hadn't forgotten her, it didn't really impact her, but maybe he was wrong. She could view his memory issues as an impairment, maybe she didn't want to deal with a brain damaged man. And according to Mercedes that was what he was, damaged. Quinn could have just been being nice earlier when she told him he wasn't defective, maybe internally she agreed with Mercedes and just didn't want to hurt his feelings.
"What I feel doesn't matter. How would you feel if you never got your memory back?" she asked throwing the ball right back at him with that question.
The amnesia wasn't the problem, it was the idea that he lost a part of himself as well, that his personality had changed, that is what concerned Sam most of all. He could live with never having those few years of memories back, but he couldn't live with everyone he knew and loved silently comparing him to a former version of himself and liking that person better.
"Honestly I think I'd be fine with it. As long as I was brought up to speed on those missing years, I could deal with never remembering."
"That's a pretty positive way to look at things."
She looked like she didn't quite believe him. Quinn always could read him pretty well, especially when he was trying to get over on her.
Lying wouldn't have been the right word for this situation, omitting was a better choice. He was omitting certain facts from his responses, facts that would have added nothing positive to the conversation. Just bringing up the memory had already changed things dramatically between them. Quinn had moved across the room from him, once again rubbing her bare arms looking far more unnerved than she was letting on. The last thing he wanted to do was get into some protracted discussion about why he wished D&E had funded research into human cloning. It would've been pointless because for one, it was never going to happen, there was just one of him and that was that, nothing from the realm of science fiction could help him give Mercedes back her husband while letting him have a life with Quinn. And two he didn't want to have to explain why he cared so much about a life he didn't remember and a wife he didn't know. It would just make that strange look creep back in Quinn's eyes and Sam couldn't deal with yet another woman in his life looking at him like he'd kicked a puppy. So light and positive was the best way to go.
"Don't get me wrong. I've got questions. The doctors say my amnesia is psychological, but I'm not buying it. Why would I purposely want to forget my life? And it's not like I'm enjoying all of this. I feel like there's a fog over my brain." He laughed, overdoing it a little in the hope that Quinn would catch on to his attempt at lifting the mood in the room.
Quinn smiled as she walked over to him. "Hate to break it to you, but that fog's not from the accident, you've always been a bit spacey. Remember bio class?
"I only zoned out during the dissections." He grinned.
Biology was one of the first classes they had taken together. He sat behind her whispering insults at her back, pretending to hate her, just like the rest of the kids, but secretly he sat behind her so he could stare. He'd never seen a girl so pretty before.
"Physics?"
"The teacher had an accent, besides it was after lunch, so naturally I was groggy."
"Chem?" Her eyes danced in the light. She was enjoying this stroll through the halls of his academic shortcomings a bit too much.
"What's your point Quinn? You know I sucked at science."
"My point is you tend to shut down on things you don't want to deal with, like science class then, and talking to Mercedes about my release now. And I think you're doing the same thing with your memories."
"That doesn't make sense." Sam scrunched his face in confusion. "I just said I want to know what I missed."
"Being told the facts is not the same as feeling them, living them. Memories rely on all our senses."
"Guess that answers my question." He bowed his head, his stomach dropping a little. "You want me back to my old self with my memory restored just like Mercedes."
"I didn't say that."
"You implied it with all that memory relies on senses stuff. I think it bothers you that I can't remember us being together."
How could it not bother her? They had finally shared an intimacy that they had only talked about, and he couldn't remember any of it. She had to be disappointed that he didn't remember that part of their relationship, or even how they had gotten so close that they had considered each other best friends. When she spoke about the Beacon, she got this sort of wistful look on her face, like she was being transported back in time and reliving those actual memories. Sam wanted to take that trip too. He wanted to know what it was like to be with her and to be a comfort to her during such a time of pain.
"It bothers me that something distressed you so much that you had to block it out of your mind. I'm worried about you and your health. It has nothing to do with us as a couple. I know we'll make new memories, even better ones."
"Quinn do you mean what I think you mean?" he asked caressing her cheek, loving how she was back in his space again. "Did you change your mind about us? Do you want to be together now?"
Sam hoped that didn't sound as over eager and needy as it did in his own mind. The last thing he wanted was to freak her out. Although if she hadn't run for the hills after last night when he told her was in love with her, then his child like enthusiasm probably wouldn't scare her off. He couldn't help it though, Quinn was in his room, smiling at him, and he was pretty sure she was about to say something huge.
"I've changed my mind fifty times between the Beacon and here. I put on this fancy dress and let Santana drag me over here."
"I'm going to hug Santana next time I see her." Quinn's strange friendship with Santana definitely was starting to have a few benefits.
"She thinks we have some unfinished business."
Sam walked backwards, leading Quinn by the hand to the chair. "I couldn't agree more. I want to take the rest of our lives finishing it up."
He pulled her on his lap, never letting go of her hand. Citrus scented golden hair, wide green eyes, the brightest smile, covered in red silk, his heart pounded from the sensory overload of being surrounded by so much Quinn. A little bit of heaven must have fallen to earth, because Sam couldn't think of anything more perfect than having her this close in his arms.
"Let's slow down," she said trying to sound serious. "Right now the rest of your life has already been promised to someone else," Quinn reminded him as she settled into his lap.
Sam bowed his head. "I know. I'm getting ahead of myself, just the thought of being with you makes my mind sort of lift off."
He couldn't help himself. He was excited about the possibility of a future with her. For once it truly felt within their reach. She was out of the hospital and Mercedes had written him off. The path to be together was starting to look a whole lot clearer.
"Mine too," she said running her hand over his arm.
"Really?" He looked at her in surprise. This was a definite change from last night. Shoving down the hope that was building in his chest, Sam forced himself to remain calm, trying to fight the smile that was tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"Yes really," she said laughing lightly. "What do you think I've been saying all this time? I feel the same way you do."
Quinn lowered her eyes, blushing deeply. She seemed like that shy girl he loved in high school again, sweet smiles hidden behind thick hair. Could this actually be real? Was Quinn finally opening her heart to him?
"You told me that we should be friends and I should go home to my wife, that's not exactly on the same page as me."
Sam didn't want to let Quinn off the hook, not until he got her to pin down exactly what she meant. He had let himself get swept up in the idea of her before, only to be left disappointed. Like last night when she had pulled the friend card on him. Total cold shower on his mood. How could she just switch up like that? One minute she was moaning his name, the next she was saying let's be friends. The seesaw of emotions they were on was starting to get to him.
"That's just for now. If you were free, I would be all over you," she said soft and low against his ear.
That sounded good, really good. Sam would have no complaints about Quinn being anywhere on his body, but he was hoping for something with a little more substance. He didn't want a redo of the casual sexual relationship that Quinn told him they had in the past. He had to be sure that she wanted the same level of commitment that he did. Maybe he was asking too much, especially since his life's circumstances gave him no right to want such things, but even still he wanted them all the same. Sex would be great, more than great, amazing actually, but he wanted to know that they were going to be about more than that.
"When you say all over me, what exactly do you mean? Because I'm looking for more than a physical thing with you."
"So am I. If we never had sex again, I wouldn't even care. I just want to be with you."
"Whoa," he said holding up his hand. "Let's not get carried away. Swearing off sex is a bit extreme."
"You're right. We can't give up sex. We were so good together," she said lowering her voice suggestively.
God she was sexy. He had to call on his military training to regain his self-control. Quinn on his lap, looking incredible in red had every part of him rising.
"That right there makes me want my memory back. I want to remember the goodness."
"I'm sure you can use your imagination."
Quinn would be disgusted if she ever knew how many fantasies his teenaged brain had about her. Being with Quinn, but never actually 'being' with her, had built things up in his mind. Sex with Quinn became like his ultimate goal, a pinnacle of achievement he was desperate to claim. Actually, it was about more than sex, his dreams were never about just 'doing it', that's why he was surprised to hear they had a casual sexual relationship, none of Sam's fantasies about being with Quinn were ever casual Every scenario he dreamed up had them squarely in a loving relationship. There was nothing sexy about the idea of having just a part of Quinn. He wanted all of her, heart, body and soul.
"I've been imagining us together for years, I'm tired of pretend. I need a huge dose of reality."
"How about this? The first time we made love we were right over there on that bed." She pointed to his bed.
"Oh I like it." Sam said not looking at the bed, but at her face. "Maybe we should slide over there and you can walk me through it. Step by step…naked."
"In your dreams Evans," she laughed, pushing him away playfully.
Sam tightened his grip on her waist, pulling her snug against his body. "But you promised me some reality," he said with a slight whine. "I know you don't want to tease a man recovering from a brain injury."
"Ok I'll give you one more thing. Look." Staring at her face, barely hearing the words she was saying, he watched her dark pink lips move. "Are you looking?" Sam nodded absently, still focused on her face. Only when she tugged on his hair lightly did he give her his full attention and turn to look where she wanted. "Right here, is where you bit me."
Oh. His jaw slacked open and he could feel the hint of drool. She had inched up one side of her dress to reveal her inner thigh. Quinn pointed to a spot so high up her leg he could see a hint of her lacy red underwear, teasing him into absolute frustration.
Army meditation techniques weren't going to be enough to save him from this. Resistance was definitely futile. He had to get up close and personal with that memory. With gentle pressure he rubbed the spot on her thigh in a slow exaggerated circle.
"Mmm. Was that the spot?"
"It sent this ripple right down my spine," her voice hitched, as he continued to rub that sweet spot between her legs. "I was almost doing a back bend on the bed. I think every muscle in my body was shaking."
"So basically I was the best you ever had." He placed his palm flat on her bare thigh, gauging her reaction.
"I didn't say that." Biting her bottom lip, nervously tucking the same piece of hair behind her ear repeatedly, her eyes focused on a fascinating spot on the floor, looked like he wasn't the only one having an issue with control.
"You didn't have to. When you told me that story just now, you arched your back and your eyes were fluttering. Having a flashback Quinn?" he asked against her ear. It was his turn to return the favor and heat things up.
"No comment," said Quinn, squirming a bit.
"I bet I know how to get you to comment." Just a little nip on her collarbone, once, and then again, Quinn shuddered against him as his tongue flicked over her skin.
"Sam you're not playing fair," she said sounding breathless.
He wasn't. This was her spot and he knew it. She leaned into his chest as he continued to tease the sensitive area with his tongue, alternating between soft kisses and playful nibbles on her skin.
"I'm just keeping it real," he said with a smirk as he moved away from her neck, to look in her eyes once more. "So tell me who was the best? Don't be shy. It was me, right?"
Quinn looked at him as if he weren't speaking English, sort of dazed, her bright eyes growing hazy. "Beth," she finally responded.
"Beth?" That wasn't the response Sam had expected at all.
"I hear her," she said, getting up from his lap and pulling down her dress.
She grabbed the baby monitor from the nightstand and handed it to him. Sam looked at the screen. Beth's little blond head bobbling as she whined in her crib. She'd turned over again, since now she was on her stomach and she had been sleeping on her back.
"Oh she must be up from her nap. Let's go get her," said Sam holding out his hand, but Quinn didn't take it.
"Sam I can't. Remember? CPS, the rules."
"Right I forgot about that," he said, disappointed that they couldn't check on Beth together. All he had wanted to do tonight was share in taking care of Beth with her. Now she was here and they still couldn't do it. Just wasn't right that something seemed to always be in their way, holding them back. "Quinn I've been wondering about something."
"Okay what?"
Sam hesitated, suddenly not wanting to ask his question. He desperately wanted to know the answer, it had been plaguing him for weeks, but it felt like he was about to open Pandora's box, fears that he had tried to ignore were surfacing again within him.
"Sam?" Quinn's voice pulled him from his thoughts.
He took a deep breath and just let it out. He had to know. "What exactly happened that you lost Beth? Did my father do this to you?"
She turned a shade paler and her green eyes widened like saucers. She hadn't expected his question at all. "Your father had nothing to do with it Sam," she answered without looking him in the eyes.
Maybe she was scared. His father was an intimidating man. He could have asked Quinn not to tell him about what happened with Beth. Something was holding her back, there was more to this, yet she wasn't volunteering any information.
"Are you sure?" he asked pressing her for answers. Now that he'd started this he couldn't let it go. Ignoring the tears welling in her eyes, he kept talking. "Because it doesn't make sense that you would lose her because of what happened at the river."
She shook her head, wiping at tears that barely had a chance to fall. "It was all me," she said, finally meeting his eyes.
Such sadness and pain, what had happened to make her react this way? Sam went to her, running his hand through her hair. "Quinn if this is too much for you to talk about. We don't have to do it now."
"No you need to hear the truth," she said as she pulled away from him. "No one did anything to make me lose Beth. It was all because of me. They took my baby because I'm a bad mother."