Chapter 20

She used to be adored. He thought she was smart, he thought she was brave. The most popular boy in school recited sonnets and told her stories about the stars. Just saying his name made him smile, his dimples deepen, his pulse race. He'd sit with her for hours, watching her read with his chin propped on her shoulder, listening to her hum melodies while doing her trig homework. She was special in his eyes, unique, he was her number one fan, her constant support.

The lights from her star might have dimmed first Sam, then Mike, even a little bit with Puck, - the light they saw in her was extinguished, the adoration that should have lasted a lifetime was gone. And although Sam never left her, always remained her friend, the way he looked at her changed. She was no longer special, no longer a star on the rise, but a fallen hull, hollow and burned out. She missed the way he looked at her before, when she was young and full of promise.

Then one day a cruel miracle erased his mind but restored the light. Sam was back, stargazing upon her face. Suddenly there was meaning, possibility, the feeling that her dreams weren't dead just lying dormant, waiting for this day, waiting for him, to bring them back to her, with the look in his eyes and the smile on his face. She couldn't lose that light again, not now, not when she'd just gotten it back. The thought of losing the light, of losing him, scared her more than any mental hospital ever could.

Tears rolled down her face faster than she could catch them. She never wanted Sam to see her like this, weak, weepy, emotionally out of control. Yet here she was once again losing it in his presence.

Sam handed her a tissue, his hand clamped on her shoulder, concern evident in his voice. "Quinn I didn't mean to upset you like this."

"I need you to know the truth. You deserve to know." Quinn couldn't bring herself to look at him, she focused on the twisted tissue in her hand.

"What truth?" he asked, stroking her hair softly. He was being so sweet, so nice, so Sam. She didn't deserve this, if he only knew all the terrible things she'd done he would be throwing her out instead of giving her comfort.

"I'm an awful person."

"Don't say that. No you're not." His voice was tender, soft and velvety, wrapping around her like an embrace. It somehow gave her strength, the courage to finally let him in.

"Yes I am. I hurt her Sam. I hurt our daughter," she said finally daring to look at him.

He sucked in his breath and his eyes widened "Beth's fine Quinn. You didn't hurt her."

Sam didn't believe her. Why should he? She could hardly believe that she was capable of something so horrible. Only a monster would hurt a defenseless baby the way she had.

Quinn struggled to find the words to explain, but everything sounded foreign to her ears. Garbled language, spewed out in chunks were all she could seem to manage. "Before. There was smoke, I left her alone, then it was cold."

"You're not making any sense. Take deep breaths, calm down," Sam said as he hugged her against his chest.

Surrounded by him Quinn suddenly felt safe, her body relaxed and her tears slowed to only a few drops.

"I liked to drink more than I liked being a mother," she admitted sadly.

"I don't believe that for an instant," said Sam with a definitive shake of his head.

"It's true. I would plan my days around Scandals. Usually had martinis but sometimes rum and coke, as long as it was stronger than wine." There was a bar stool saved just for her, mid-day customers were few and infrequent so she quickly became a regular at the place. Men flirted, ladies chatted, at the bar she found her escape from being a cheating fiancé and inadequate mother.

"That's just the depression. I used to drink a lot when I first got back from Afghanistan."

"But you never hurt anyone."

"Yes I did. I lost control and took my issues out on the people I cared about. Did so many things I regret."

Maybe he did understand, his eyes looked like she felt, pain, guilt, regret all reflecting back at her.

"So did I. I took everything out of on Beth. I left her alone." She'd said it, admitted her most heinous act, but the weight hadn't been lifted. There was so much more.

"Are you talking about when you went to the river?" he asked his voice sounding muffled and distant. It felt like he was pulling away even though he hadn't moved an inch.

"Yes and before that. She always used to cry, especially when I touched her or when we were alone. I used to think she hated me."

"That was just the PPD."

"Maybe so." It was so easy to blame her illness, to say she was sick and out of her mind, but that wasn't the whole truth. Quinn's memories from that time were so vivid, even now, every move she made was a conscious choice. She was lucid in her irrationality. "Dr. Hill says I need to take responsibility. The PPD made me feel a certain way, but it didn't force me to do anything."

"You were a frazzled new mom without any help. I hate that I wasn't there for you."

They used to stand like this in high school, his hands around her waist, her head on his chest, waiting for the bell to ring. Back then they whispered innocent flirtations, complained about their parents, lamented the approach of the next period. Quinn never would have imagined that ten years in the future, Sam would still be holding her the same way, but this time she would be telling him about how she tormented their child.

"This had nothing to do with you. I don't want you feeling in any way guilty, because everything that happened was my fault."

Sam being awake would not have been much help, Quinn could admit that now. As much as she had wanted her best friend back in her life, she knew she never would have shared this side of herself with him. Too much pride, constant embarrassment, not wanting to see him look at her with pity or worse yet disdain, Quinn would have faked it to the extreme with him, so he'd never have to see her so weak and incapable.

"Tell me what happened," he said quickly glancing at the monitor to see that Beth had drifted back to sleep.

Tucking her hair behind both ears, she took a deep breath before she began. "One time I left the stove on. I got in my car driving to some unknown errand that seemed so important at the time and I didn't even think about Beth. I left her strapped in her baby seat in the middle of the kitchen."

"Was Mercedes home?" he asked, tightening his grip around her waist, not letting her push out of his arms. He was holding her fast to him, to the conversation.

"No," she answered, scared to meet his eyes.

Sam ran his hand through her hair, caressing the back of her scalp. "It had to be your PPD," he almost whispered.

"It was me Sam." He was being too nice, he didn't understand he should be angry with her, turning away not, pulling her closer. "I let myself forget about her, it wasn't that long maybe a half hour but for that time Beth never crossed my mind."

"You made a mistake." Sam lifted her head forcing her to look at him. "That doesn't make you a bad mom. And I know Beiste was there right?"

She'd laced her bottle with rum, not much, just a few drops to help her relax. Beiste was at her restaurant and Mercedes had the night shift, so Quinn was left alone with Beth and her screams. The rum worked its magic, Beth slept that night, but in the morning when she still wasn't awake, Quinn had panicked, thinking she had poisoned her daughter. An ice cold towel against her cheek and she was screaming again, the one time she was grateful to hear them. Quinn had never told anyone that story before, she wanted to tell Sam now. She wanted him to know everything, so he could be prepared in case Beth turned on her again. But what would Sam say if he knew she was such a low despicable excuse for a human? He'd probably lock her away and toss the key, like Artie had warned her. How could she be so stupid to think Sam could forgive her of this? She was a monster. He should hate her. She needed him to hate her, because she deserved nothing less.

Quinn yanked away from him, not wanting to allow herself to be lulled by his excuses for her horrible choices. "I ignored her when she cried." She was trembling, but never had she felt more in control, an inner strength building within her, urging her to tell him all that she had been hiding.

"Quinn…maybe we shouldn't-"

"I need to tell you Sam." Finally she could admit the terrible truth that choked her like a noose woven from the echoes of her baby's cries. "She cried all the time. Nothing I did was ever right for her. Beiste and Mercedes picked her up and she was a little angel, but for me she'd just scream. It was like she knew I was awful. I couldn't take it Sam, I was trapped in a room with a baby that hated me. So I'd go to the bar, but I couldn't stay away forever, eventually I had to come home to Beth's sad little face filled with hatred for me."

She'd never smiled for her during that month they spent together. Beiste had tried to reassure her that babies weren't expressive that young, but Quinn knew better, she had seen Beth smile for Mercedes, make sounds besides cries, kick her little feet. Quinn once told Dr. Hill that she thought Beth got confused during his birth, since Mercedes was there helping to deliver her, she mistook her for her mother and bonded to her instead. Of course, Dr. Hill dismissed that theory, citing scientific impossibility, but Quinn knew that life was about more than science, God worked around them in so many ways, sprinkling blessings in unexpected places. Like over the head of a woman grieving for her comatose husband. Maybe God thought Mercedes needed Beth more than she did. Or probably more accurately, God though Mercedes deserved to be Beth's mother more than she did.

"You got to know she didn't hate you Quinn," said Sam giving her a small smile.

He'd wrapped himself around her again, holding her in the middle of the room, so steady like an anchor. If only she could stay like this forever, safe in his arms from all the judgment and the stares, but reality was beckoning and no one deserved the truth more than Sam did.

"I know that, now, but then it felt like she did. When I touched her she cried worse, louder, so I avoided holding her. She'd scream all night in her crib."

Quinn had been convinced she was screaming for help, her baby girl way of trying to find an escape from the prison they both were trapped in. Like that girl at the group home that screamed for days because her mother had died and she'd been sent to the home. Yelling at the top of her lungs was the only power she had to change anything about her life. She couldn't take care of herself, but she could make her voice heard, spread her pain. Beth was the same, unleashing her pain so Mercedes would come save her, and she did, whisking her away in her arms.

"Why didn't you ask Mercedes to help you?"

"She is my baby. I shouldn't have needed the help of some little girl to take care of her," she said bitterly.

But she had needed that little girl's help, more than that, she had wanted it. Beth let out a peep and Mercedes was right there picking her up before Quinn could even react. Beth wasn't even Mercedes's flesh and blood and she had more of a natural connection to her than Quinn did. Using Mercedes' attachment to her daughter had been an easy solution to her problems. Quinn allowed Mercedes to take responsibility for Beth so she wouldn't have to deal with her. Horrible as it was, if felt like a good decision at the time, and Beth definitely seemed happier with Mercedes than with her.

"Quinn I can't believe you had to go through all of this alone."

"I deserved to be alone after everything I did."

"No you didn't," he said between the kisses he placed on her head. "You needed support. I could hurt Puck for leaving you like that."

Julian had tried to get her help, clinical concern replaced the family bonds they once shared, as he pushed her into his pile of patients.

"Don't blame Puck. I'd wrecked his life. How can you expect him to want to take care of another man's baby?"

"I would've done it." Quinn placed her palm against his cheek, smiling up at him. He'd said it so innocently, as if he thought all men felt as he did. She wondered if he knew just how rare and incredible he was. "People make mistakes. I would've found a way to forgive you, especially you."

"Do you mean that Sam? Could you forgive me for what I did?" Her heart stopped as she awaited his response, suddenly feeling like everything hinged on it.

"Nothing to forgive. You weren't yourself and you were stuck in a stressful situation." Green eyes shining, so earnest and sincere, he actually meant all he said.

"Sam there's more…"

"Let's not talk about that now," he said cutting her off mid-sentence. "You're getting help and you're doing better, that's all that matters. I'm going to get Beth. Okay?" He kissed her cheek, before heading to the door.

"You can't bring her in here," said Quinn rushing to stop his exit. Her heart pounded as if she were on a roller coaster. "I can't be near her."

"Relax." Sam smiled, his eyes slanting into half moons. He took her hands in his. "It's going to be okay I promise," he said placing a kiss on the back of each of her hands.

"Sam I can't do this." Tears burned in her eyes, threatening to fall. She was terrified at the thought of being with Beth and Sam in the same room.

"Do what?" he asked, his eyebrows arching in confusion.

"I'm not fit to raise our baby. You need to keep her away from me."

"Nonsense." He smiled at her again. "I'm thinking just the opposite."

"Haven't you been listening to me? I'm a terrible mother. I don't know how to take care of her properly. I don't feel the things I should. I'm disconnected."

Three times since she had been hospitalized she'd seen her baby. At Christmas, when she broke into Beiste's house, and the morning Sam woke up, each time was strained and awkward, Beth felt foreign in her arms, like she'd come from some other womb. Dr. Hill said that it would take time to reestablish that bond, to fall back into her natural role as mother. But shouldn't it come instinctively? What could be more natural than taking care of a child she bore?

"You just lost your way. Something happened inside your brain and things got all crossed and confused. Sort of like what happened to me. I woke up from the coma and I'm disconnected too, but that doesn't mean we're bad people. We just have to work at getting well, getting back to our old selves."

"I forgot about Beth. She's my baby. How could I do that to someone I'm supposed to love?"

All these weeks of working with Dr. Hill to let go of hating herself had led her nowhere, full circle back to where she began, feeling too unworthy to have Sam's child. She had done it all wrong, but her impulse was right, Beth deserved better than her. She had been right to leave her for Sam to raise.

"I forgot about my wife."

"That's not the same. She isn't a part of you."

"I don't know Quinn maybe there's more to this whole biology thing than we understand. Being a sucky science student I may be totally off base, but it seems to me love isn't just guaranteed, humans have the ability to pick and choose who we share that emotion with. Maybe it comes easier after giving birth, but I'm not going to stand here and say I believe it is a given. Look at fathers, we don't give birth at all, but for many of us seeing our child is love at first sight, but for others it takes time. Maybe you just needed time to bond with Beth."

"I don't want you to think I don't love her. I do Sam, I love her so much."

She kept waiting for that look, that inevitable moment when his eyes would darken and her star would dim. Minutes stretched on, his eyes firmly locked on hers as he stroked the sides of her face with the pads of his thumbs, still nothing changed.

"I know you do, it's easy to see, because if you didn't, you wouldn't be so upset. We are going to fix this. Together." He kissed her then, on each cheek, his lips shining with the hint of her tears. "Do you trust me?" he asked pulling back to look in her eyes once more.

"With my life, with our baby's life."

"Then wait right here and hold this," he said grabbing the monitor from the dresser and handing it to her, before he turned and left the room.

This had been a bad idea from the start, she should have trusted her instincts and never have come. Damn Santana for convincing her she needed to talk to Sam tonight, when there was a party in the works and a house full of people. She hadn't even considered Beth's presence until Artie had brought it up. He had been right, she would be making things worse for herself if she got caught with Beth. Decision made she was going to leave now, she'd explain her disappearing act to Sam later. Artie and Santana were probably inside by now, so if she managed to get their attention she could get a ride back to the hotel.

He was speaking what sounded like Gaelic. Quinn looked down at the baby monitor to watch Sam holding Beth, rubbing her back, soothing tones in an unknown language. It had a rhythmic quality, not quite a lullaby, perhaps a poem. With one finger she lightly stroked the screen, the closest she could get to her sweet baby for the time being. As if he felt he was being watched Sam looked up directly into the camera and smiled.

"Hey Beth," Quinn heard Sam say through the monitor. "I got a surprise for you baby girl. Someone came a long way to see you. Do you want to know who? It's your mommy. Just like I promised." Sam kissed the baby's blond head.

"Can you wave like this?" he asked waving toward the camera. Beth watched her father, but did nothing to mimic the gesture. Sam held up Beth's hand and waved it for her up toward the camera. "Say 'hello mommy. I miss you. Daddy and I love you very much' Quinn did you hear all that? Our daughter misses you."

Quinn's eyes blurred with tears as she watched the two of them together. For so long she never fully believed she would ever get to see this sight. Her baby finally had her father back. A perfect picture she wanted to engrave in her mind, to keep with her always, cherished and safe, never to be taken away.

"Come down the hall and be with us. Say 'come on mommy. Come see me.' You can't resist this face." Sam lifted Beth up higher in his arms, so she was closer to the camera. Beth gave her a gummy smile as if on cue. "She's waiting." Her heart melted as she watched her baby girl smile.

Quinn hesitated. The smart thing to do would be to head back downstairs and find Santana. She looked down at the monitor in her hand. Sam was once again talking to Beth in Gaelic as he rocked her in his arms. Still warring with herself about her options, her feet followed their own path and led her down the hall toward Beth's nursery. How could she leave without seeing her baby just once?