Chapter 23
Coming clean had been the goal for the evening with Mercedes, with Quinn, himself and he had achieved it, for the most part. He has been straight with Quinn when she asked him about his feelings for Mercedes. He had copped to kissing her and admitted his attraction. The truth had set him free just like the adage promised putting him in a better place with Quinn, closer, more intimate. They were setting the foundation for an open and honest relationship, something he'd never truly had but always wanted. Things felt pretty good, positive vibes and all that, he couldn't have asked for much more. Except there was one little thing he had held back, barely important, nothing to even worry about, he should just let it go and move on. Too bad he couldn't.
Denial was such a part of him, woven and assimilated into his system, readily accessible whenever he needed, like his thumbs, or Figgins. Sam wore his denial like an invisible cloak that protected him from pain or disappointment for most of his life. As a child, he watched his parents bicker and fight pretty much constantly, and yet he was able to hang onto the idea that they were somehow going to make it work as a couple, as a family, a normal family, like his brother Will and his wife. He had wanted it so much that he ignored the fact that his father openly stated he couldn't stand his mother, and that his mother had a steady stream of male 'friends' that she spent time with instead of his father.
In high school he finally got his own life and focused less on his parents, setting his sights on Brittany Pierce, doing anything to impress her fully knowing that she only had eyes for Santana Lopez. Still he plotted and schemed to get her attention and affection, failing with every attempt. That was how Quinn entered his world, she was a pawn in one of his schemes, hoping to use her to distract himself from Brittany. But that distraction never happened and his denial was short lived, since soon he was falling for the girl with those striking eyes and the pretty voice. He fought it for as long as he could but his crush on Quinn in high school had grown even before their first date. Finally dating Quinn didn't end Sam's denial, it wore on as he tried to dismiss the signs that she liked Puck, perhaps more than she liked him.
Thank God for denial when he severely injured his lower leg. It allowed him to find a focus on something other than his condition and instead pursue the wife he had lost. It is insanity to think that relentlessly pursuing Brittany was a good thing, but that act had ultimately saved his life. It had given him purpose, a goal outside his painful and long recovery process.
Chasing after a woman that didn't want him wasn't much of a goal, he could see that now. He had been running in place, claiming small victories with no chance of ever winning the war, because Brittany loved Santana and always had, even when she married him. Sam knew that then, but once again trusty denial helped him forge ahead into a halfhearted relationship, with Brittany only half loving him and him only half loving her. He didn't need Kali's eye rolling and pointed questions to see that marrying Brittany had been more about winning, trying to one up Santana, steal her girl the way his had been stolen, and since Puck had taken off with Quinn, his target became Santana. He could accuse Santana of stealing his wife until his dying day, and probably would because he still felt sucker punched by it all, but in truth he was the only thief in all this mess.
All of this had been about Quinn, loving her and losing her had left him forever altered. Feelings for her tucked away for safe keeping had solidified somewhere in the pit of his stomach becoming a leaden mass, a tumor of intense emotions that drove him to all sorts of extreme and impulsive acts. Maybe in the years he had forgotten he gained control of all these feelings, finally let go of Quinn and all she represented, but it was so hard to believe when he never had been able to move on before. The Army, marriage, time apart, nothing had ever removed Quinn from his heart. Facing certain death in that crash just forced him to stop denying it, and admit to himself that being in love with Quinn was going to be a lifelong affliction that he would have to learn to manage to survive.
From all that Quinn told him he had done more than manage, he had forgotten those feelings and finally let her go. Sam figured Quinn was making assumptions. How could she have known the depth of his feelings for her that persisted for all these years? Nothing would change how he felt, he truly believed that, until he went to her house. The house he shared with Mercedes, it was there that he began to wonder if something really did change inside of him during those missing years.
It had been on the wall along the stairs in the hall, the collection of family photos. Beiste's family mainly but interspersed were pictures of him with Mercedes, the family they created. It just sort of struck him right there, like an invisible smack into a reality he wished never existed, that he already had a family, before Beth, and completely separate from what he felt for Quinn. Of course, that was too much to absorb, so he brought up Quinn and the absence of her pictures on her wall to change his way of thinking, to block the path his mind wanted to take, because for a pocket of time in that hallway he understood. His family was with her.
After that realization, no matter how much he tried to deny it, something had changed, he felt differently about his past and his future. Even as he continued to hold fast to his dreams of a family with Quinn and Beth, inside he knew there was a greater truth, one that seemed too scary to share with Quinn or anyone else. Where would it lead if he admitted this to Quinn? Would he lose any chance at a life with her? Would she push him away, misconstruing feelings that he didn't even himself fully understand?
So his feelings for Mercedes were a bit deeper than he had let on. He felt a family connection to her. Big deal. That didn't change what his heart truly wanted, to be with Quinn. Sure it complicated things, but his life was already like a bad soap opera, what was another issue thrown on the pile? He still was in the driver's seat. He got to ultimately choose the course of his life. This wasn't denial, but setting a goal, choosing a path and marching down it, not letting obstacles or distractions steer him off course.
Just because he cared about Mercedes didn't change the fact he loved Quinn. Two completely separate issues. He would have nine months to deal with this thanks to his father, to get over these phantom feelings, the residue from the life he had forgotten. So the thought of turning his back on Mercedes, bothered him right now, by the end of the year he would be over it, Quinn waiting for him would be the sweetest reward for all this angst.
Satisfied with his decision to keep a few things to himself, for now, he brought his attention back to the matter at hand – getting Mercedes to not divorce him. Quinn seemed completely convinced that her plan was perfect and foolproof, but Sam wasn't so sure. Years of experience had taught him that there were no certainties in plotting.
"How is Beth going to make Mercedes want to stay married to me?"
She was cute, but her powers of persuasion were pretty limited without the ability to speak. Though maybe if he got Beth a Speak n Spell, it had worked wonders for him in the hospital. He flirted with Mercedes shamelessly with that thing.
"You have to convince her that being married is best for Beth. She'll do anything for this little girl."
Sam frowned. He didn't like the sound of that idea. "I don't want to use Beth as a tool. I been through that enough in my own life, I'm not subjecting my daughter to that sort of treatment."
He had been tossed back and forth between his parents for years. He was the one card they both liked to repeatedly play.
"It's the only way. If she divorces you, she'll lose temporary custody of Beth. You could take her away from her and never let her see her again and it would be within your rights to do it."
Backhanded comments about Mercedes leaving Beth were one thing, he never meant them, he was just resisting her presence in his life. The truth was he thought her being with Beth was a good thing, she had given his child a stable home when he wasn't able to. Even though he was awake now, he still didn't feel fully equipped to be a full-time dad. He needed Mercedes to stick around and show him the ropes.
"Beth seems to really like Mercedes though, with her is the only home she's ever known. I don't think I want to just rip her away from her."
In all this talk about divorce, he hadn't thought about how it would impact his daughter. Was she still young enough not to notice when Mercedes suddenly disappeared from her life or would she be doing irreparable damage to her psyche? Mercedes was his daughter's whole world whether he liked it or not and Sam wasn't sure if he was willing to take her away from Beth.
"You're not the one ripping her away," Quinn said leaning against his legs. "It's her. She's the one destroying your family. Tell her that."
One of the first things he learned about Mercedes since waking up was that she would do anything for Beth, to keep her happy and safe. It felt wrong to exploit her feelings especially since it was pretty amazing she even cared at all. Not many women would take in a baby conceived outside of their marriage. Accusing her of destroying Beth's family would cut Mercedes deeply. Sam wasn't sure he could stomach deliberately causing her that much pain.
"Quinn I don't know. We don't want Beth in the middle of this."
"This is for our family. Do you want it or not?"
She looked up at him so hopeful. Quinn was counting on him to make this work.
"You know I do," Sam replied.
Everything he ever wanted was in this room. He'd fight to the death for it, but why did it mean he'd have to fight her? Why did his happiness mean Mercedes would end up sad?
"Then Sam you have to be willing to do what it takes to keep us together, because I can't lose you both again. I won't. If you won't talk to Mercedes, then I will. One way or another I'm going to make that girl keep her vows," she said pounding her fist against his leg.
"OK you're getting a little intense there Quinn." Sam grabbed her fist and held it, hoping he could get her to relax.
"I know it seems mean, but I'm desperate." Quinn shifted around to face him, kneeling in front of him. Sam parted his legs so she could move closer. "Seeing you with our daughter, spending just this little bit of time with you guys, I don't want to lose it Sam. I don't want to give any of it up. I need this. I need you."
He couldn't look away, trapped by her eyes. He was practically holding his breath as her hands slid up his thighs. His heart was pounding, like he'd just sprinted a mile, loud in his ears, thumping against his chest. So loud he wondered if Quinn could hear it through his clothes.
"I've been searching for something my whole life, there's always been this empty space inside of me and I thought maybe music, creating a new family with Julian and Puck or falling in love would fill it up, but it didn't, nothing ever worked. But right now, here with you and Beth," she paused, wiping at tears that had started to fall. "I feel totally full inside, complete."
Sam reached out and touched her face, his fingers meeting hers, a clumsy dance on her cheek, as he tried to wipe the tears for her. Quinn smiled at him, as she grabbed his fingers, enclosing them with her own, holding them against her chest, against her heart. Resting her opposite hand against his cheek, she sighed, before she let go, dropping both her hands, his body instantly cooled by the absence of her touch.
Taking a deep breath, she seemed to relax and compose herself, before beginning again. "I know it sounds crazy, but this is what I've been looking for, a family with you. It took hurting people we loved, a terrible accident, and me losing my sanity to find it, but I did and I'm not going back to that emptiness. I can't. I won't do it."
Staring at her, maybe with his mouth hanging open, his face probably bright red, he was stunned. Totally. He wanted to ask her to pause, rewind and play it back because he was pretty sure Quinn Fabray just said he completed her. Which was incredible and unbelievable and had to be a mistake.
Blinking twice just to make sure he hadn't somehow fallen back into a coma and this wasn't some elaborate fantasy playing out in his subconscious. "I don't know what to say." His mouth was probably hanging open again, the ability to speak seemed to have left his brain.
"Did I scare you with all that?" she asked, the uncertainty evident on her face.
Her words were in an echo chamber in his mind, he could see her lips moving, but all he heard was 'here with you and Beth, I feel totally full inside, complete', like the chorus of a bad pop song that was stuck in his head, and he was happily humming along because hell yeah Quinn Fabray wanted him.
"I understand if it was too much or if you don't feel the same way."
Now that he heard, clear like a glass bell. Don't feel the same? Was she kidding? In his mind he won the Super Bowl, spiking the ball, in the end zone doing a bad touchdown dance, and booking a flight to Disney because all his dreams just came true. She wanted him, like really wanted him, for keeps. Sam could hardly believe this was happening. He had waited so long for her to feel even half this much and now she was telling him she felt it all.
"Sam?"
"Sorry." He smiled, snapping himself back to the real world, with her, at his knees, looking sort of shy and absolutely gorgeous. This had to be a dream, but he was going with it for as long as he could. "I'm not scared. It is overwhelming, but in a good way."
He took a deep breath, bolstering his courage to finally let it all out. "I woke up from the coma looking for you, the whole time I was in the hospital I was missing you and my heart fell each time the door opened and it wasn't you coming through it. I know it seemed crazy, and it still feels like three years ago in my mind, but it's all so real to me. Having Beth with you made it all fall into place, a crazy kind of sense, you know? I lost those years, but I found you, and our baby, I found the family I always wanted. And I'm starting to think that all of this is some strange divine interaction, fate maybe, all I know is I was brought back for a reason, because I should have been dead, medically I should not have hung on for all those months in a coma, but somehow I did, and now I know the reason. God brought me back to be with you and Beth."
"Now I don't know what to say," she said eyes shining, smile spreading.
"I do." Sam slid off the bed and onto to the floor next to her. Taking both her hands in his he looked into her eyes. "I love you, and I don't want to lose you, so I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep you safe and free and help you get back to our daughter."
"Even using Beth as a way to get to Mercedes?"
He looked over at his daughter sitting in her seat, trying to catch the stars that dangled in front of her with her mouth. If this all were a dream, he prayed he would never wake up. He would do anything to keep them both close.
"Except that," he replied, turning back to face her with a sad smile. "I can't put our daughter in the middle of this mess. She has to be protected. I can't have her end up a casualty of our twisted games with my father."
"But.." Quinn started.
"Don't worry about it Quinn. I'll handle it. My father will never send you back upstate. I promise."
"Thank you." Quinn wrapped her arms around him tightly, hugging him close, whispering gratitude against his neck.
"You don't have to thank me," he said losing himself in the feel of her hair against his face.
"Yes I do. You're saving my life."
"You saved mine. You brought me back, so I would say we're even."
His instincts had been right. He couldn't tell Quinn everything that was in his mixed up brain, not now, not after all she had just said. Quinn didn't need to hear about the strange pull toward Mercedes, or his growing attachment toward her. Those were his issues to handle on his own. And he would handle them. Nothing was going to come between him and Quinn, not even his own conflicting emotions.
It was all probably just guilt anyway, playing tricks on his mind, making him feel more than he really did, because he did feel terrible that Mercedes was so hurt by him. If there was a way for him to ease her pain and keep his own dreams intact, he'd do it in a heartbeat. But Sam was fairly certain that all the miracles had been used up. He'd come out of a prolonged coma, to find out he had a child, and Quinn's heart. All his wishes had been granted, there just wasn't anything left to give to Mercedes now.
Looked like he'd have to keep running, there was just too much at stake to risk the whole truth. At least this time he was running toward something, a chance at a better life, a family, all the things he ever wanted. Maybe if he ran fast enough and far enough the image of Mercedes' sad brown eyes would vanish from his mind, become just a blur in the horizon, fading softly like the sunset.