Chapter 29
Fuzzy like coming out of a deep sleep, his mind covered with a film that was blocking him from thinking clearly. He saw that smile though, through his hazed confusion, wide and bright, just as he had every time he woke up in the hospital. It was comforting to see her there, looking down at him, he knew he would be all right with her around. Kisses all over his face, refreshing like the sprinkle of rain, the look in her big brown eyes unmistakable, he was loved and he was missed.
Then it came rushing back full force, Quinn, was here with him, making him float, telling him things he had longed to hear for years, about family, about the future, about her heart. Finally his Quinn had come to him, to be a part of his life, to raise Beth together. Beth, his daughter's face flashed in his mind. She had been crying before it all went dark. Loud screams and no one seemed to care. What was he missing? Sam struggled to bring his thoughts into focus, to force his brain to work. Quinn, he needed Quinn but something was holding him back from saying the words, a wall between his heart and his mouth blocking him from calling out to her. It was about Beth, something about Beth.
Sam looked past Mercedes to see Kali and his mom staring at him expectantly. Quinn wasn't there and his stomach dropped in disappointment. Why would she leave without saying goodbye? Why would she leave him alone? Alone, the word lit up in his mind like a beacon, that's what it was. Quinn had left Beth alone. Hours alone, crying, probably scared. How could she do it to their baby? Sam needed to talk to her, he needed to understand. Was she truly worse off than he realized? Had her mind deteriorated to the point that the hospital was a place she needed to be? His head began to throb as images of Beth rolled through his mind screaming in the dark, and then suddenly quiet and blue. He squeezed his eyes shut to make it stop, to turn that horrible film off, but in the blackness of his lidded eyes the pictures continued to play. There was no escaping them.
"Sam, are you feeling okay?" he heard Mercedes ask against his ear.
He turned his head to find her leaned over him, her lips against his cheek, watching him from close proximity. Why did she have to be so close to ask him that? Sam couldn't help but smile as he thought about all the little weird and wonderful things that made Mercedes tick. She could whisper and yell in the same breath, smile so bright, while her eyes remained clouded with sadness, claim to love him and then walk away.
"What are you doing here?" he asked in the same whispered tone she had used. Her eyes darkened with hurt as she tried to pull away. He put his arm on her back, holding her in the spot. "I didn't mean I minded. I'm just surprised. Last time we spoke, you dumped my ass."
"I know," she said shyly looking away. "But I still care about you. I'm not just going to leave you passed out on the floor."
"Because you're so dedicated to your job right?" He was teasing, he knew he was more than a patient to her, but he liked watching her react every time he brought it up.
Smiling into the sunlight, his chin propped against the top of her head, feeling victorious that her shorts were in a ball on the floor. It had been a good morning indeed. She was draped across him, her soft curvaceous frame molding with his body, her leg thrown across his lower half. It was comfortable with her, not awkward as it normally was when naked with a stranger after the passion had ebbed. With her he didn't want to roll over and leave or wish her out of the bed, he was content holding her close. This couldn't be a one time thing, he wouldn't be able to let it be one, not when he still had a few feats to accomplish and the urge to draw her in was so strong. He didn't want her to think he was needy or clingy so he held back from touching her and kissing her, allowing himself only the pleasure of the touches she gave him, which wasn't much since she was practically asleep on his chest.
It might have been for the best that they had come to a halt, they were heading dangerously close to complicated territory. She was married, he was her patient, and he had his sights set on another woman, those three elements added up to one big mess. Sleep was definitely better than sex. Although if she were to insist, he would be too much of a gentleman to deny her, she had been taking such good care of him and she deserved a bonus for that.
"You're so comfy." Mercedes snuggled closer against him.
"I must be because you're falling asleep on me."
"Tell me something good and maybe I'll stay awake," she said smiling against his bare chest.
"Well that thing you did before, with your mouth, and the tongue swirling, that was very good," said Sam with only a hint of suggestiveness.
"A little too good, I think. Your blood pressure got dangerously high and we had to slow things down."
"I will make it up to you. I promise. You're not the only one that knows how to do tongue tricks." He winked at her.
"I want that in writing." Easing up she propped her chin on his chest, so she could look him in the eyes.
"No pen. My scout's honor will have to suffice."
"You were never a boy scout."
"But I was, cub scout for two years. My mom was the den mother."
"Now I know you're lying." She giggled. "Sue would never volunteer to lead a bunch of unruly little boys."
"Ask her. She might seem all glamorous but my mom would get down on the floor and play with us."
"I learned something new today. Thank you for sharing that with me."
"My turn to learn something, let me ask you a question."
"Sure, go for it."
"What are your nightmares about?"
Her face dropped and she abruptly sat up, momentarily forgetting that she wasn't wearing a shirt. "That's really personal," she said covering her bare breasts with her arms.
"I know and I wasn't going to ask, but you called out my name in your sleep." He couldn't help himself the question had been rattling around in his mind all night. The idea that she was dreaming about him unnerved him.
"I did?"
"Yes. So I think I have the right to know what that's all about." Sam watched her as she worried her lower lip, her internal struggle playing out on her face.
"I don't ever remember my dreams," she said finally, looking down at her lap.
"You can trust me." He touched her cheek, to get her attention. "You can tell me anything. You know that right?"
"Not this," she shook her head, her wavy hair fanning about her shoulders, tears spilling from her large eyes. She looked so beautiful in that moment, the sunlight hitting her brown skin, her eyes shining with tears, such a somber sight to have moved him. "You'll think I'm crazy."
"I thought we established that already. You are crazy. We agreed," he said with a grin.
She tried to laugh, but only managed a small smile. Sam pulled her on top of him, unable to keep up his self-imposed no touching rule. Chest to chest, nothing between them but the beating of their hearts, he ran his fingers through her hair and down her bare back. She was so soft and smooth all over, he could lose himself in just the sensation of touching her.
"What has you so scared?" he asked her.
"You," she blurted out, letting her sad eyes lock with his. "I dream about losing you. I see you after your accident when you wouldn't respond. I see you in this room, all the times you coded, so close to death with pneumonia, infections."
"You've got to step back," he said wrapping her in his arms. "You can't keep getting this close to your patients or else every time you lose one you'll fall to pieces." Her heart was too big, she needed a thicker skin or a new profession.
"I'm not like this with every patient." She reached up to play with his hair. "Just you."
"Why me?" he asked wanting to know the answer to that question more than any other in his fill in the blank existence.
"To me you are…" She hesitated, smiling at him.
Seconds ticked by and she didn't speak. He wanted to ask her to finish her thought, to not leave him cruelly hanging this way, but he didn't. She swallowed the words on his tongue, overwhelming him with her soft lips and sweet mouth, kissing him until his mind was completely blank.
Sam hadn't even remembered that conversation until now. The look in her eyes brought it all back, the answer to his question, so apparent. He understood why she covered him with tear tinged kisses. He knew why he appeared in her dreams. Knowing was far worse than he could have imagined, he sometimes wished he had never asked her the question, allowed himself to get so close, so intrigued by her. Now he was the one being haunted, waking dreams littered with thoughts about Mercedes and her feelings for him. He knew what that look in her eyes meant now and he had no idea how to handle it.
"No other reason?" he asked continuing to wade into the murky waters, because he was an idiot and couldn't help himself.
"That depends."
"On what?" he asked, letting his eyes roam her face. Her makeup was gone. She looked startlingly young.
"On why Quinn is in this house," she said sitting up completely.
For a split second he prayed darkness would come again so he could avoid this conversation. All afternoon he tried to find a way to tell her, dreading the hurt look he knew would be in her eyes. In the end he'd procrastinated, leading him to this moment, where Mercedes was confronting him. At least now there were witnesses, in case she decided to do him bodily harm.
"So you know about that?" Sam asked.
"Gave me quite a shock walking in here and finding you passed out in Quinn's arms."
"She was with me?" A smile spread on his face. She hadn't left him after all.
"Wow you can't even hide your elation."
Sam tried to straighten his face and pull his focus back to Mercedes. "It's not like that. I just wondered where she went, we were in the middle of an intense conversation before…she told me some things about Beth."
"Can we change the subject please?" Sue interrupted. "He's just coming around. We don't need to bring up this unpleasantness."
"I think he needs to go to the hospital," said Kali from the foot of the bed.
"Do you think an ambulance?" asked his mom.
"No hospitals. I've seen enough of those. Unless I'm getting straddled by a cute nurse, I'm never going back." Sam poked Mercedes in her side trying to get a reaction, hopefully a smile, but she just rolled her eyes and looked away.
"Okay then," said Kali. "Good thing you're married to one, because you need to get checked out."
"No way Kali. I'm not going anywhere." Sam crossed his arms, illustrating how set he was in his position. He felt fine, his head was starting to clear, the last thing he wanted was to spend the night being prodded.
"Dr. Hill since he insists on not going to the hospital do you think he'll be okay to move around?" asked Sue.
"I say twenty minutes and some juice, and if he still seems alert, he should be okay."
"Perfect." Sam smiled. "I'll take grape juice please."
"I will get it Mr. Evans," said Marcel. Sam hadn't even noticed the man was in the room. He was so quiet, blending into the background.
"Thank you Marcel."
"Can you check on Beth too Marcel?" Mercedes asked twisting around on the bed to see the nurse.
"Oui," he replied with a nod of his head. "I will do that Mrs. Evans."
"Where's Beth? Is she all right?"
Beth had been so upset earlier, Sam recalled feeling frustrated and powerless to console his baby. He knew now that those feelings were probably just fabrications of his mind, but the apprehension about his daughter lingered. Hopefully once he got to see her and hold her again, it would all disappear.
"She's fine. She's with Emma," said Mercedes barely looking at him.
"Emma? What's going on? Is it a family reunion?"
He'd seen more of his family tonight than he had at the hospital. The mansion had never been a popular gathering spot, the house was too dark, and Dwight too uninviting for that, so all the activity was a bit surprising and definitely suspicious.
"Something like that. There's a party going on downstairs, just for you," said his mom taking a seat at the foot of his bed now that Kali had wandered off leaving the spot clear.
"A party? How long have I been out?"
He hadn't had a party in years, besides the one he threw himself for New Year's Eve. His father was too big on privacy and keeping a mysterious profile to let people roam about the house, even for something as tame as a birthday party. Growing up most of his birthdays were celebrated with his mom and Mike, sometimes Brittany, Puck and Santana, but that was rare. His father was never around, always off closing some deal, so he never was actually present for a party, but for some reason Dwight Evans managed to find time to have cake and milk with Sam for breakfast the morning of his birthday. His father would hide behind the financial section of the paper, barely saying a word, but every now and then he'd mention a stock tip, or ruffle Sam's hair. As a child Sam, thought that was just another example how his father had no time for him, squeezing him in before heading off to D&E, but years later he could see that his father had actually carved out that time, planned it and put it on his calendar. He wanted to spend the morning with him uninterrupted.
"It was a surprise. Your wife planned it for you."
"My wife? That can't be right. I thought you hated me," he said looking up at her.
Mercedes shrugged. "The jury's still out on that, you have yet to answer my question about Quinn. Why is she out of the hospital?'
"Mercedes," he sighed, knowing there was probably nothing he could say to make this easier, to erase that hard glint she had in her eyes. "Getting Quinn released has nothing to do with you."
Mercedes pressed her lips into a tight line, her eyes narrowing into angry slits. That was the wrong thing to say apparently.
"Oh I got that. You just ran up there and got her and to hell with how it might make me feel."
Why was she looking at him like that, as if he had done something wrong? And that accusing tone, so he got Quinn released, it was the right thing to do. He shouldn't be made to feel bad about it, and he certainly wasn't going to apologize for it just because Mercedes somehow had her feelings hurt. Quinn was his daughter's mother and one of his oldest friends what was he supposed to do? Let her rot in a hospital because his wife didn't like her? No way.
And who was his wife? He barely knew her, and he was going to put her feelings before those of Quinn or even his child's? He wasn't going to allow her to emotionally blackmail him anymore. He had let her sad eyes get to him more than enough since he'd met her. No more, he was done letting her sway him.
"I did it for my family. God!" he said raising his voice. "Can't you understand that? I'm trying to put us back together."
"You, Quinn and Beth?" she asked her voice shaking with tears.
Sam looked away, blocking those eyes. "Yes. I want her to have the best life, a real home, a real family."
"And the life I've been giving her isn't real?" Mercedes asked standing up. "Because staying up all hours with her pacing the floor felt pretty real to me."
Oh damn! Why did she have to take it there? He wasn't attacking her parenting skills. He knew she was good with the baby. Beth was doing really well with her. Sam was grateful she decided to take her in, but that didn't change the reasons he needed Quinn back in Lima. Surrogate mothers were great, but Beth had her real mother back, and he wasn't going to let Mercedes stand in the way of that. She always got so offended when he brought up Quinn coming back, as if he were threatening her somehow.
Then there was the fear, unmistakable in her eyes each time he talked about Quinn resuming her role as full time mother. Sam understood it more now, the fact that Quinn seemed to have disregarded Beth's safety a few times unnerved him too, but the way Mercedes, and his mother for that matter, were acting made it seem like it was something more than that. Sam wasn't sure if it was just irrational hatred or if there was something more to the weirdness that shadowed everyone whenever Quinn's name was mentioned.
"I didn't mean it like that." Sam sat up, putting his feet on the floor. "You're misunderstanding me."
"No I think I understand you perfectly. You want a family, just not one with me. I need some air."
"Mercedes wait." He grabbed for her arm, but she pulled away out of his reach. "She's so sensitive," he said under his breath.
He wasn't going to chase her, no way, if she wanted to get all huffy and disgruntled so be it. He wanted to talk to her like a rational adult and she stamped off like a child. Pouting and crying weren't going to work on him this time. She should know by now where they stood, he had made it clear earlier when he put himself out there and kissed her in his bedroom. She rejected him royally then, saying how he wasn't the same, that he wasn't good enough. So if she was waiting for him to run after her and beg for her understanding she could forget it. Maybe her other Sam would've punked out like that, but not him. There was too much at stake, his baby's life, Quinn's freedom, to waste time trying to appease her. Damn she made him so mad, where was the all that support now? All that understanding she claimed to have for his situation, his mental difficulties? Conveniently packed away now that he knew more and wasn't idly sitting by letting her call all the shots, if she thought she could control him, she was sadly mistaken.
"Sam, are you out of your mind?" asked his mom, knocking him in the shoulder to get his attention. "Did you bump your head when you hit the floor? I can't believe you just did that."
"I was being honest." If Mercedes couldn't take it, too bad, he hadn't said anything she didn't already know.
"Honest? Are you for real? She just found out that you had your mistress released from the hospital and by some miracle she's still speaking to you. What you needed to do was reassure her, kiss up to her if you had to, try to keep the peace."
"I got Quinn out for Beth. Mercedes knows it has nothing to do with our marriage."
A marriage that was completely bizarre and totally detached from any tangible emotions. He knew he had a wife, but he didn't feel that connection, he was trying to honor his commitments because he respected the institution, but none of it was real. He didn't feel like a husband. The feelings he had for Mercedes had nothing to do with their marriage and everything to do with the person she was at the hospital when they met. He liked his nurse, he was interested in her, the fact that she was his wife didn't strengthen those feelings, only complicated them. In a way she was like two separate people, and he had yet to figure out how to merge them in his mind.
"Don't play innocent with me Sam. I know what you're up to. I saw that sickening display with Quinn earlier, the kissing, holding hands. That had nothing to do with your daughter, and everything to do with your hormones."
"I care about Quinn. I'm not going to lie about that." Not that he ever could, every time he looked at her, he was pretty sure his face gave his feelings away.
"But you're going to lie about your feelings for your wife? Because I know you have them."
Maybe his face betrayed his emotions for Mercedes as well, though he prayed that it didn't. Quinn didn't seem to like the fact that he felt anything for his wife.
"I'm not lying about that either. I care about Mercedes too. She knows that." He told her and he had meant it, complicating things even more with that admission. In the end it didn't matter much since she chose not to believe him.
"Baby boy, I've got some tough love for you. Your wife has written you off. Mercedes marched downstairs and announced to the family that she's divorcing you."
"She's a little upset, but I am confident I can convince her to reconsider. Once she calms down. See how she was with me earlier? She still cares."
"Caring about your well-being is not the same as wanting to be married to you. You were at a hotel with Quinn last night, and now you have her here in this house. There's no calming down from that. Mercedes is done with you and right now I don't blame her."
"I have to deal with Quinn first. Mom, did she really do what you said? She left Beth alone for that long?"
He had been trying not to think about it, ignoring the voice in his head that chanted 'Quinn hurt Beth' over and over, but it was starting to seep back in, spreading like a blood stain on a floor. The facts didn't mesh with the Quinn he knew. His Quinn would never hurt a child, she was loving and kind, gentle and sweet, especially to the innocent. Had her PPD really caused this much of a change within her? Or was this all some sort of mistake?
Pushing aside those bad thoughts he tried to focus on the positive, Quinn was free, she wanted to be with him. All they ever dreamed was in reach, hovering in the horizon like a golden carrot. Beth had her mother back and it was a good thing. It had to be.
"Yes baby she did," his mom said sadly. "But I don't know if it is such a good idea for you to be thinking about this now. I'm worried about your health."
So much for focusing on the positive, now all he could see was his baby in tears and Quinn standing by doing nothing about it.
"If she hurt my daughter in any way…" He trailed off, not willing to finish that statement. He had no idea what he would do if Quinn had truly hurt Beth. The idea that Quinn could ever do something like that was almost beyond his comprehension.
"Sam please try to stay calm," she rubbed his shoulders. "That's all in the past."
"Not for me!" He pounded his fist on the bed. "When she left Beth in the house was she hurt? Did something happen to her?" The pictures of Beth in pain were back in his mind. He needed to know everything once and for all.
"I wasn't there baby, but I don't think so. She was probably just shaken up, but she's a strong girl. She bounced back."
He eyed his mother suspiciously, suddenly she was clamming up, when earlier she had loads to say. "You're hiding something. What are you not telling me?"
"Let's do this after the party, when your father gets home."
His father this, his father that, the great Dwight Evans wasn't even home and he was still dictating Sam's life. That had to end. Deal or not, he needed to regain control of his life, get out from under his father's thumb. He might have forgotten a few things, but he wasn't a child.
"I am going to say this one time, so listen closely. This is my family. I look out for them and I will handle things that pertain to them. My father has no say in this and neither do you. I need you to back the hell off."
Sue didn't even flinch, she only looked at him with sympathetic eyes, which made Sam even angrier. She hadn't taken him seriously at all. "I'm worried about you sweetie. You don't know what you're doing."
"Yes I do. I am doing what's best for my child."
"Letting Quinn out of the hospital sure proved that," she said sarcastically. "Your wife's barely speaking to you and Quinn is probably on the verge of a breakdown, you're doing great so far."
"Maybe if people would give me the facts and stop coddling me, things would be going smoother."
They needed to lay it all on the line with him, hand him his file, stage an intervention, because he was tired of not knowing. The fear that he couldn't handle it was nonsense, being kept in the dark was far worse for his stress levels than whatever it was he missed. Passing out had nothing to do with finding out new information, and if it had, well he was willing to risk another episode to get the truth.
"Maybe if you slowed down and started listening instead of making decisions blindly you wouldn't be in this mess. You do realize you just told your wife you didn't want her and that she wasn't a part of your family."
"I didn't mean that exactly, but she keeps pushing my buttons about Quinn. She needs to know her role as my wife. Why couldn't she just step up and support my decision?"
"I sometimes forget that you're not the same Sam from before."
"I hate when people say that. I'm the same man dammit. Three years didn't take away who I am."
Was Quinn the only person that liked him as he was, that accepted him, and didn't want him to morph back into a version of himself from before the crash? It hurt so much to think that no one in his life liked him, and that they were all silently wishing he would change.
"But it did sweetie. You lost more than just memories, you lost some insights, some maturity. Before the accident never would you have talked about your wife like that. You sounded so much like your father just then it was scary. Dwight wanted you to believe that women were untrustworthy and solely put on this earth for your whim and your control, but you always rejected that way of thinking, hoping you'd find a partner in life instead. You had that honey. You respected Mercedes and her opinions. You never expected her to just shut up and follow blindly behind you."
"Can you please stop talking about what kind of husband I was? I have no idea about my marriage, I barely know my wife. How can you expect me to just fall in line with how I used to be?"
"I expect you to take control of your responsibilities. You got inappropriately snippy with me about your family a few minutes ago."
"I meant what I said, even if you don't seem to be taking it seriously."
"How can I? You talk about taking care of your family yet you have no concern for your wife? You haven't even tried to figure things out with her."
"Quinn was my priority, she needed me, and Beth needs her mother. I was taking care them."
"Your marriage is the backbone of your family, your home base. If that falls apart I'm afraid you're going to be left floundering sweetie."
"What do you know about marriage? You've never had a solid relationship."
"Maybe my own personal life has fallen short of my expectations. My love life has never been stellar, but I want better for you, and you were on track to have that before. I've been on this earth longer than you and I was raised by two parents in a loving home until my father died, so I know something about family," she said tearing up. "I wanted to give you that with your father, and it never quite worked out, and I'm sorry for that baby, I really am, but I was so proud to watch you grow into a fine, decent man, with a good loving heart despite my mistakes. That person is still inside of you. I don't want you to let him go now."
"I'm sorry I said that mom. I shouldn't have." Sam pulled her into a hug. "I am so overwhelmed, there's Quinn and Beth, and Mercedes. I'm trying to keep all these balls up in the air."
Sue let him go, wiping the tears from her cheeks with her hand. "Now I told you I'm staying out of your life, and I'm trying to hold myself to that, but sweetie no matter what family ties you've created with Quinn you can't forget you are a married man and you have to act accordingly."
"Are you lecturing me on morality?"
"I'm telling you don't forget how you were raised, the things I taught you about honor and respect. I expect you to live up to the Evans name and all that it entails."
"I'm doing the best I can mom. I just need some time."
"Sweetie you are out of time." Sue rubbed his chin affectionately. "Your entire family, all of your friends, your colleagues and the media are downstairs waiting to wish you a happy birthday."
"What? Right now?" His jaw slacked in shock. "I can't believe you just sprung this on me."
"What I did was give you a heads up. You have some fences to mend before your dirty laundry is aired to the world. Time to make a choice Sam, are you making your big debut with your wife or your mistress by your side?"