Chapter 30
Pushed aside like a gawker at a crime scene, forced to steal glimpses of him over shoulders and heads. All because Mercedes had the power to make it so. She couldn't even cry, not wanting Mike to see the tears, so he could mock them, and make smug judgments about how deserving she was of this fate. The indignity of being kept away from him, knowing that he would want her close. Before Sue interrupted them, they had promised to stick together, to make it through life side by side, no matter the challenges. And with one cruel bat of her eyes, Mercedes had smashed their promise, and ripped them apart.
Quinn had underestimated Mercedes, thinking that once she heard Sam wanted her, the younger woman would back down, embarrassed and defeated. But Mercedes had surprised her, digging in her heels, and fighting back, suddenly staking her claim over Sam. This was a positive development in terms of their current dilemma with satisfying Dwight's deal, Mercedes now clearly wasn't ready to walk away, Sam had a chance of keeping his marriage together. Quinn should have been happy and relieved, instead she wanted to throw something, like a punch. It had only been an hour and already Quinn was having a hard time with the idea of Sam and Mercedes interacting in any way. Nine months seemed impossible now. She burned with jealousy as she was forced to watch Mercedes kiss and caress Sam, touching him against his will. This had to be some form of abuse, to be handled in such a way while passed out. Sam surely would have protested the contact if he were alert. Except he hadn't once he opened his eyes, and that just made her rage inside. Could she honestly spend months watching him accept her kisses from afar?
It felt like when he first was in a coma, then too she was pushed to the wayside by Sam's family, not being allowed to see him for weeks. Intensive care, family only, they had told her. Puck tried to explain as nicely as possible all the reasons why she was being left out, all were plausible, but none were the truth. The sole reason Quinn wasn't allowed to see Sam was because of one person, his wife. Mercedes didn't want her there, so Quinn had been barred. Puck never admitted that, but Quinn knew it was true. He instead went on about second chances and how their love would come out stronger from this ordeal. He had called it a silver lining, and urged her to agree, since she after all knew better than anyone how much Sam wanted Mercedes back. In the middle of the waiting room, her stomach rumbled and she was certain her face turned an unnatural shade of green, she didn't want Sam and Mercedes to have a second chance. She wanted Sam to move on, to in time open up to new possibilities, to open up to her.
That was the first day those awful selfish thoughts surfaced, coming to light for the first time even to herself, she had kept them hidden so well, tucked behind her role of best friend. But knowing Sam was in a coma, fighting for his life, it all bubbled over, an overflow of emotions and pain. She wanted to be with Sam Evans, awful but true. And with that she turned on her heels and left the hospital waiting area to find Puck and tell him about her pregnancy to find a way to make their relationship work, to force herself to want something attainable and not so painful.
Almost a year later she had lost the battle within herself, she wanted Sam still, and she no longer could deny it. So close to saying those three words to Sam, that were on the tip of her tongue all night. She had told him as he laid passed out in her arms, she had angrily admitted it to Mercedes when the girl dared to dismiss Sam's feelings for her, and now all that was left was to tell him, to his face, if only Mercedes would get out of the way.
Quinn looked up, suddenly realizing eyes were on her.
"How are you doing over here?" Kali asked her voice cloaked in concern. She must have thought Quinn was losing it, pushed to the back corner of the room.
"I'm fine," she lied. Inside she was a wreck, a jumble of nerves and fears. "How's Sam doing?"
"Better. He won't go to the hospital like he should." Kali looked over in Sam's direction. "But he seems to be bouncing back."
"That's good. I was so worried."
If she had lost him she didn't know what she had would have done. Beth would have no one. Quinn would be forced to go to her parents and take the consequences of asking them for help.
"I have to say I'm a little surprised to see you here. You just got out of the hospital I thought you were going to take it easy."
"I will, I am. I just needed to talk to Sam briefly, to tell him a few things."
Quinn had already told him far more than she planned. When she first arrived at the mansion, she figured it would be in and out, tell him she loved him and then go, but life never worked that simply. The night had evolved into this wondrous series of moments where she finally found the courage to let out everything she had been holding back about Sam. He knew now that she wanted to be with him.
"About what happened to Beth?" asked Dr. Hill.
"No, that stuff sort of just came up."
"I don't think either of you are ready to tackle that stuff. Far too volatile."
"Sam asked me questions. I wasn't going to lie to him. He has the right to know."
If only she could have told him everything about Beth before Sue arrived causing trouble. Sue Evans-Sylvester had a way of making things sound so sinister. Sam had understood about her mental stress, and was supportive of her struggle with PPD, then his mother had to come with her accusations, making Sam suspect something darker was a play. Quinn had to be the one to tell him about what happened, in her own way, it was between the two of them as parents and as friends. Sam wouldn't understand if he heard it from someone else.
"Not at the expense of your health or his. I urge you to tread lightly."
After seeing Sam passed out on the floor that was the only thing she wanted to do. Quinn didn't know if it was alcohol or stress that made Sam collapse, but she couldn't bear the thought of it happening again.
"I got to hold Beth tonight," Quinn said changing the subject. She smiled remembering the feel of her sweet baby girl in her arms.
"How was that?"
"It was so great Dr. Hill. She didn't even cry and Sam was here, so it was the three of us, like a real family." Being with them like that almost made what came before worth it, all the pain and heartache, because it had led her here, to this point, where for the first time she felt like she was exactly where she should be.
"That's very positive Quinn. I'm happy you had a nice encounter with your baby, but I don't need to remind you that..."
"I know," she said cutting Kali off. "I'm not supposed to be around her."
Dr. Hill lowered her voice, and stepped closer. "No you're not. You don't want to make things worse for yourself."
"It won't happen again. It was just like a dream come true, you know? I couldn't resist being with them both."
When she kissed him with Beth in his arms, putting all that she couldn't say into that one act, it was like they came full circle from when he awoke from his coma with the two of them by his side, to now when they pledged to have a future together. Something had awakened within Quinn, new and exciting, such possibility and so much love. This is what happy felt like when it came from within and spread to all parts of life. She'd found it with the Beth and Sam.
"Dreams are good, they give us hope, something to look forward to, but sometimes dreams are just fantasies, a means to help us cope. You have to find a balance between the real and the imagined."
"Are you saying Sam and I will never be a family with Beth?" asked Quinn, not liking the turn the conversation was taking.
"I'm saying dreaming about a future with him will not necessarily make it so, and you have too many other positive things in your life to put all your energy in one place. Remember what we discussed about priorities."
"Yes," Quinn nodded. "Get healthy to get back to my child."
"Right. Focus on those things and everything else will fall into place."
"Dr. Hill my son wants some privacy with her," announced Sue, barely giving Quinn a sideways glance.
"Okay. Remember what we talked about." Dr. Hill squeezed Quinn's hand and gave her an encouraging smile, before leaving the room with Sue.
All alone with Sam, the mood decidedly different than it had been just an hour before, Quinn felt apprehensive as she crossed the nursery toward him. Sam sat on the edge of the bed, arms folded across his chest watching her approach. His expression was unreadable as he sat there silently, far more wrinkled than usual, in all black. The color had returned to his face, but there was no light in his eyes.
"Hi," Quinn said with an uncertain smile. "It's good to see you up again." She reached out to touch his face, to coax those lips into a smile to emerge.
"Don't touch me." He jerked away.
Tears filled Quinn's eyes. "Sam, I just want to make sure you're okay."
"I'm not okay," he said coldly.
"Do you need to lie back down? Should I go get Dr. Hill?" she asked nervously. Something was off with him.
"No. I need some answers about what you did to my daughter." Hard green eyes stared back her, unflinching in their silent accusations.
Quinn clutched the end of the bed to brace herself for the impending storm. "You're still shaky, maybe now is not the time..."
"Now is exactly the time," he said cutting her off abruptly. "I thought I could handle this, just let it go, but seeing you here, brought it all back. There's something you're not telling me, something I should know. And it's getting in the way of us. You see Quinn we're stuck. And there's no moving on from this place until you tell me the truth."
"I did tell you the truth. Always," she managed to choke out, her voice sounding weak and unconvincing even to herself. There were a few lies between them now, when there never had been before and Quinn hated it.
"So my mom wasn't making that up? You did leave our baby alone?" A flicker of emotion, disappointment, he had been hoping that what he heard about Beth was not true.
"It happened. Don't you remember I explained things."
"Still a little hazy." Sam tapped his head. "So I need you to repeat it."
"Okay." She tried to sit beside him on the bed, but he jumped up as if her proximity physically hurt him.
"You keep your distance," he warned from a few feet away.
"Sam you're acting so cold, like I'm a stranger."
He was shutting down on her like he used to in high school, blocking her out, and only letting in the negative thoughts. The ones he usually kept at bay because he loved her, the taunts from her classmates, criticism of her from his parents, and that little voice Quinn knew existed inside him that whispered he could do better than be with a girl like her.
"Maybe you are a stranger, because the Quinn I remember would've never done something like this." Sam shook his head, his eyes shining with tears. "Not the Quinn I love."
"It was the PPD." She moved closer. If she could just hold him, he would understand, he would see she was still the same person. "I wasn't myself."
But he blocked her, holding up his hand. "Okay, so tell me about it. Tell me how the PPD made you want to hurt Beth. Then maybe I'll be convinced that I shouldn't do the same thing to you."
"You wouldn't do that," she sobbed. Unable to hold back any longer, Quinn rushed to him, catching him by surprise as he backed into the crib. Trapped between her and the crib, Quinn made her move, grabbing his face, forcing him to look her in the eyes. "You wouldn't hurt me," she said through her tears. Cold and unfeeling steel green eyes, staring though her, slicing her deep. Quinn stumbled back not wanting to believe this was happening, not now when they had just been so close. "You're just upset," she said more to herself than to him.
"Damn right I'm upset!" Sam yelled yanking down the star mobile that hung above the crib, throwing it to the floor, where it cracked. "Tell me what you fucking did to my daughter!"
Quinn's eyes widened at the violent display. "Sam you're scaring me."
"I'm going to do worse than that if I find out you deliberately tried to hurt her. You'll be over. Done."
"Are you threatening me?"
This couldn't be happening, she repeated again and again in her mind. She squeezed her eyes shut, wishing for time to stop, to rewind back to before when they were happy with their baby. She wanted that moment back.
"I'm not making threats. Open your eyes," he demanded, lifting her chin. Quinn focused on him again. "This is a promise," he said between clenched teeth, a breath away from her face. "If you hurt Beth, you'll pay for it."