Chapter 40
"I remember the last time we were here together sitting on these same steps, the day you got out of the mental hospital," said Sam as he sat beside her on the carpeted steps in the foyer.
"That was a long time ago," Quinn said as she tried to dislodge the lump in her throat.
"Not that long to me, it's all so vivid in my mind. You were in your jeans, and a bright blue jacket with a hood that you had up because you said hair was a mess. You had your glasses on, which struck me since you usually never wore them."
"I wouldn't be caught dead without my contacts." Of all the improvements her mother forced her to make, nose job, highlights, weight loss, the contacts were the one suggestion she actually liked, not that she ever let her mom know that fact.
"I used to be torn about which way I liked you best, with or without glasses." He studied her face for a bit with a serious look. "Eyes as beautiful as yours deserve to be seen, but I liked them behind glasses too, added a bit of mystery. That suited you since I was always trying to figure you out. You never let me get too close."
"That's not true. You knew me Sam."
"Not like Puck did. Told me that right on these steps that day, you said Puck knew you in a way I never could."
All these years later and Puck was still between them. He was her original sin, the scar she gave Sam that seemed like it would never fade. Before the accident, they had finally made peace with it all, the pains they had inflicted on each other over the years, small cuts that wore at their romantic possibility over time, only their friendship had been spared.
"At the time it felt that way. I could say things to Puck that I couldn't with you. I got out of the hospital and everything was different. I had changed, and Puck just felt like he fit with the new me."
She let herself go back there, to a place she rarely let her mind venture. Dark blond hair hanging in his eyes, but she could still see the tears that were starting to overflow. Coming clean about her feelings for Puck was one of the hardest things she had ever done, especially knowing what Sam's reaction would be. She had expected yelling and a jealous tirade, instead she got bone chilling silence that still haunted her if she let herself think about it. It felt like a door had closed between them, keeping him on one side and her on the other. Quinn had been confident in her feelings for Puck, she knew she had to be brave enough to follow her heart, but seeing Sam shut down so completely broke something inside her. Sam was her first boyfriend and she was leaving him behind.
"I changed too while you were in the hospital. I was so sure about us after that. I wanted us to be together."
The emotion in his voice was so thick, clinging like a humid summer day. Quinn couldn't bring herself to look at him, afraid that his eyes would reflect the same pain so evident in his voice.
"I know," she said softly, concentrating on the flecks of green in the tile that covered the foyer floor.
"No you don't know. I never told you how much I wanted for us back then. After you told me about your feelings for Puck, sort of knocked the wind out of me, I was going to propose to you." She looked at him then, stunned by his admission. "I saved up, bought a ring." He paused, bowing his head before he continued. "I wanted us to spend our lives together."
"Oh my God Sam I can't believe… I don't know what to say."
She never knew, never even dreamed that he had been serious. He had talked about marrying her before, but that was just ramblings, Sam always had a romantic soul. Even when he told her at the Beacon last year that he would have married her back in high school, Quinn still didn't truly believe him. Hindsight makes everything heightened, seem better than it actually was. Over a decade later, with the same pained expression she recalled from so long ago, Sam handed her a painful truth, she had given up their forever when she walked away from him.
She didn't want to change things, she loved Puck then and had wanted to be with him, but if only for a little while, if she could transport them back in time, back to these stairs ten years before, she'd let Sam get down on one knee and put that ring on her finger. She'd admit the love she always felt in her heart. They'd have that perfect moment where the future was theirs and the dreams about running off to New York together could actually come true. Her beautiful Sam had loved her that much, to cement his promises, to commit to her completely. And she had let him go.
"There's nothing to say now. It's done," he said looking at her briefly. "I was gutted, but I respected your honesty. You never led me on."
"I didn't want to hurt you, I cared about you." She touched his knee, only managing a second of contact before he stood up, leaving her alone on the stairs.
Across the room, his sad eyes transformed into angry slits. "So what's changed? Are you only pretending to care about me because I had you released? Throwing me a bone as a token of your appreciation?"
Quinn audibly gasped, shocked by his accusation. "That's an ugly thing to say. I would never use you like that."
"I would almost understand if you were, being in the hospital must have sucked."
"How can you think that way about me?" she asked closing her eyes. They had hit a new low if Sam actually thought her capable of abusing their friendship in that way. "After all I told you in the nursery about my feelings for you, after I said I would be willing to go back to the hospital so you wouldn't have to be stuck in a marriage you didn't want?"
"Have to admit that would be a pretty clever cover. You'd come across like a martyr willing to stay locked away for my happiness."
"I don't need a cover." She got up and walked over to him. "I'm telling the truth. I care about you so much I would do anything for you."
"If you cared about me you never would've lied to me." He looked so hurt. The veins in his forehead were swollen and his eyes bloodshot as he crossed his arms across his chest tightly like a straitjacket.
"I didn't lie, not really. I've only been out of the hospital for a day. I needed some time to get my bearings before going into a play by play of all the events of the past three years."
"We were so close last night. You told me other things about our history, why not this? With all that weirdness with Mike in the car, you could have told me, I would have understood."
"Would you? You were yelling in the middle of your birthday party."
She had been in the lounge with Artie, trying to forget that Sam was somewhere in the room trying to soften up Mercedes, when she heard her name. Faint at first, muffled like through a tin can, almost like she imagined it. Then heads turned and whispers began, she had been spotted as her name was being bellowed through the party. She gone toward the sound of his voice, leaving Artie behind, panicked that something had gone wrong, her mind immediately flashing to Sam out cold on the nursery floor.
"Were you scared of my reaction? Did you think I would take you back to the hospital if I knew about you and Mike?"
Sam was not his father. Quinn knew that, he would never be that cruel.
"I didn't want my first night with you to be tainted with hurt and anger. This is an emotional subject for me, it was a difficult time in my life. I started having all these renewed feelings for you. I thought we were getting a second chance and you treated us like a fling," she said blinking back tears. Years had passed and it still hurt to admit that she had meant so little to him back then.
"And that made you mad right? So you decided to get back at me by sleeping with my brother?" He loomed over her, shadowing her space, urging her to respond.
"No." she said forcefully, again shocked he would think her that vengeful. "It wasn't like that. Mike was there for me. He was a friend when I felt like I was losing you. I wanted a relationship with you and all you cared about was work. You were consumed by D&E."
"Seriously? That's your excuse?" he laughed humorlessly. "I was busy, so you hooked up with my brother? Now every time I get distracted at work I'm going to have to worry about you screwing someone in my family?"
"I know you're upset about all this but that's no reason to take it out on me."
"You're the one that did this to me Quinn! If you had just been honest I wouldn't be feeling this way. I'm trying to make sense of this here. Something's missing." He paced in front of her like a caged lion, physically pondering her words.
"Mike felt like a good choice at the time, he wasn't hurting me the way that you were."
In the simplest terms that was true. She wanted to be loved and cherished, wanted and a part of someone's life after her lonely relationship with Puck. Quinn craved something of substance, some stability, after the uncertainty of her years with Puck in New York.
"So good ole Mike stepped up and made you feel all better. I thought you might have turned to Mike because you couldn't have me," he glanced quickly at her. "So why didn't we end up together after things between you and Puck fell apart?"
"You were with Rachel pretty seriously by then." She threw it out casually hoping it would be enough. Quinn really didn't want to get into the rest of this story now. It was too painful to reflect on her failed relationships while the one she desperately wanted to work was fading before her eyes.
"And what aren't you saying?" Sam asked.
Quinn should have known she couldn't evade him. Sam ever suspicious, easily picked up when things were being hidden from him.
"Are you going to tell him or should I?" asked Mike materializing beside her. She hadn't even noticed him come into the foyer.
"Mike shut up." He had done enough damage. He had agreed to let her be the one to tell Sam about their relationship, and yet somehow Mike had managed to let the secret out before she had the chance. "I know you want to poison him against me, but that's not going to happen, Sam trusts me."
"Are you sure?" asked Mike "Because that doesn't look like trust to me."
It didn't look like trust to Quinn either. Sam was on edge and obviously suspicious.
"What else Quinn?" Sam pressed ignoring his brother's sudden appearance.
"Being with Mike was a mistake for many reasons and I started to realize that after we got engaged," she said sniffing back tears.
"You were going to marry him?" Sam's jaw fell open, his full lips gaping like a fish.
"It was an impulse reaction Sam. I still can't believe the words even left my mouth," added Mike with a sour look on his face.
He had some nerve downplaying it now for Sam's benefit. Back when he had proposed to her he was on his knees sprouting sappy lines from love songs. He had whisked her off to Vegas so fast her head had spun.
"I can't believe I ever said yes."
Sam ran his hands down his face and exhaled loudly. "So what happened that you never got married?" Sam asked.
"I did care about him but not in the right way." Quinn pulled her hair up from her neck, feeling hot under his interrogation. "It was complicated," she added glancing over at Mike.
"No it wasn't complicated Quinn," Mike said angrily. "What she's too scared to tell you is that she cheated on me with Puck, started before we even got engaged and continued after that. She figured I was too stupid and in love to notice she was involved with another man."
It wasn't supposed to happen like this. She had planned to talk to him about it all, calmly and rationally, someplace quiet with Mike nowhere around. She didn't want it to end up being in a shouting match with her ex-boyfriend, but now it seemed things were headed in that very direction.
"Stop acting like we had some long engagement. You asked me to marry you after sex Mike. And you know I never meant to hurt you. I didn't expect to fall in love with Puck again."
Tears fell with the truth. Mike was right, things weren't complicated, not in her heart. She had loved Puck and not him. Whatever she had believed she felt for Mike when they first started, after Sam had rejected her for anything other than sex, quickly was forgotten once she reconnected with Puck. There had always been a force between them, drawing the two of them together, despite their attempts to resist. Being with Puck had felt unbelievably right and totally inevitable. Mike became an inconvenience that she wanted to shed soon after her feelings for Puck reemerged.
"The decent thing would've been to tell me that before we got to Vegas," said Mike.
"Sometimes you get stuck in situations that you can't find a way out of. There were no easy answers and I didn't want to hurt anyone."
Again Mike was right, Quinn had no rational argument in her defense, but she tried to find one, for Sam, in the hopes that he would somehow understand all that she had done.
"You hurt me Quinn. I deserved better than to be with a woman that didn't want me."
"That's a special kind of hell," Sam said solemnly. "I've been there with Brittany. I'd never wish that on anyone."
"I'm sorry. It just seemed easier and better for everyone if we got married and your mother…"
"Leave our mother out of this," Mike said abruptly cutting her off.
"What does mom have to do with anything?" asked Sam, looking physically sickened by the conversation.
"Your mom is an evil shrew and she was blackmailing me. I was trying to make a comeback in my musical career and she was sabotaging me getting potential deals to fall through all because of Mike."
"Don't blame my mother because your career is crap," Mike interjected. "Maybe no one booked you because you're a tore up has been. You had one hit ten years ago, time to let it go."
"Let me get this straight, my mom was blackmailing you to what? Not marry Mike?" asked Sam looking very pale and agitated, blood vessels visible on his forehead.
The look was back, the one she had seen in his eyes the first time all this came to light. Quinn could only describe it as shattered. Sam looked completely wrecked by all he was hearing.
"Do you hear him Sam? He hates me. I know you were in on it with your mother the whole time. Sue tried to kill me Sam. I finally booked a performance and I had to cancel because I was throwing up."
"It was food poisoning from bad sushi," said Mike dismissively.
"Sushi you gave me! I can't stand you Mike. I don't know what I ever saw in you. You're nothing but a pathetic drunk living in the shadow of your more successful and more attractive little brother," said Quinn bitterly, hating Mike more than she ever had in that moment, for doing this to Sam and to her.
He had no reason to destroy them like this, to take away what they had in each other. She was the one person Sam trusted completely since coming out of the coma and Quinn suspected that Mike couldn't stand that and was willing to do anything to end that trust. He had a spiteful side he tried to hide behind easy smiles and jokes, but he was Sue's son through and through and destructive thoughts came just as easily to him as they did to his depraved mother.
"Maybe I am all of those things, I can own my faults, but you have no right to judge me. Not when you're standing here lying to my brother's face." Mike raised his voice, ripping at old wounds, exposing them to Sam, bloody and raw. "Mom wasn't blackmailing Quinn. Mom found out about her and Puck and she told me. I just never let Quinn know I knew. I wanted to see how far she'd take things before she came clean. And as you can see Sam, she took it all the way to Las Vegas, screwing Puck all while claiming she wanted to marry me."
Sam looked stunned by this information, staggering away from them, like he didn't want to be infected by their toxicity.
"You can't put Puck's actions on me," she said lashing out at Mike. "I tried to stay away from him, but he was persistent, he kept pressuring me."
"And you just couldn't say no? That's one word I'll never hear from your mouth will I Quinn? You'll never turn down sex, in elevators, hospital supply closets, on your own fiancée's living room floor."
Her crimes fell at her feet one by one taking chunks of Sam's respect as they hit the floor.
"You couldn't wait to do this," she cried. "You were dying to make me look bad in front of Sam."
Why did they have to take everything? She had been stripped of her dignity, her freedom, her reputation was in tatters, and her daughter was legally not her own. The one thing she had to hold on to in the midst of the hell that currently was her life was Sam, even in a coma he was her one bright spot, the hope that she could make it through all of these trials. And now they were trying to yank him from her as well, crush her in his eyes, make him see her as tarnished and unworthy.
"Everything I said was true. If you look bad it's your own fault."
Quinn wanted to fall to the floor and sob, emotionally distraught and mentally whipped by this exchange with Mike and Sam, her only recourse felt like surrender. There was no defending her actions, Mike wouldn't let anything she said be taken in a positive light. He silently lorded his power over her, reminding her that he dominated this fight, because he had something big to hold over her. He had the power to rip her to shreds with a single blow. All he had to do was tell Sam what she wasn't able to say about Beth and everything would be done. That would be the truth that would break them, if she weren't allowed to handle it carefully. Everything between them was a lie until he was told about that.
"Back off Mike," said Sam gruffly. He ran his hands down her bare arms, closing the gap between them, as if he might take her in his arms and hug her, but he didn't.
"Please don't tell me you are falling for her crying act," said Mike from behind them. "Quinn is as cold as they come."
"I said that's enough!" Sam snapped at his brother, officially putting an end to Mike's taunts.
"Whatever you say little brother. Keep on being a fool." Quinn could see Mike's retreat, finally giving them some space to work things out alone.
"Do you need a drink?" Sam asked. He was still rubbing her arms, but wouldn't meet her eyes. "Some water?"
Quinn's heart sank. She hated being so close to him, yet feeling so far away. The distance between them was mere inches in actuality, but inside, they were miles apart. "No I'm okay," she lied.
"I'm not sure what to do now," he said with a sigh as he dropped his hands and moved away from her. With his hands shoved deep in his pockets, he paced in a small circle in front of her. "I can't get rid of the feeling that there's more. What else haven't you told me?"
If she told the rest would it even make a difference? Would it erase the hurt in Sam's eyes or would it knowing it all only bring him more pain than he could handle? Ignoring Sue's warnings and telling Sam about Beth and the woods might have been the best choice, maybe it would restore his faith in her, remind him that she was still someone he could trust. Yet Quinn could not forget the other side of that truth, the risk of Sam reacting badly in a house full of people, or perhaps falling out again.
"I never said I was perfect. God knows I've made so many mistakes, the biggest ones involved you. I let my fears get in the way of my true feelings and I held back with you and I truly regret that, because I think I caused us to miss out on so much."
Maybe if she told him she loved him now, it would soften the blows that he had taken, soothe the aches he so clearly felt over learning about her relationship with Mike. Love had a way of healing all the ills when administered properly and often. Quinn was finally ready to do that with him, to love him openly and completely. Still those ever present fears kept her words at bay, this time she didn't fear herself, but it was him that terrified her. How would he take her sudden declaration after hearing all those awful words from Mike? Would he think she was just saying she loved him to get on his good side, to smooth away his anger? Quinn didn't want to mess up the biggest thing she'd probably ever say to him. The timing had to be right, and now it simply wasn't.
"Why do your fears keep leading you to men in my family? My cousin, my brother, who's next Will? Were you trying to hurt me? Did you want to cut me deep?" His voice cracked and tears once again filled his eyes.
Quinn had to physically stop herself from going to him and wiping at his eyes. She wanted to hold him and make him feel better, even though she knew she was the cause of his pain.
"That's the last thing I would ever want to do. Honestly Sam I didn't do any of this to hurt you."
He was shaking as he looked at her, clouded eyes, unreadable face. Whatever Sam was feeling he seemed to desperately want to hide it from her. Sam was so brave and strong, always trying to internalize his emotions, sealing them shut within him where they wouldn't impact anyone else. He was like that in high school, always trying to hide his pain from her, giving her forced smiles, and mumbled assurances while he choked back his emotions. She never let him get away with that then, taking his hand, pulling him into her, coaxing him to let it all out, to share it with her. The urge to do that now was overwhelming. He needed something, some comfort, a release.
"Well you did and you had to know that, especially after Puck. You had to."
"I have admitted it. I took you for granted." Tentatively she reached out touching his arm, testing his response. Nothing, as he stood there stone faced, eyes on the floor. "I never realized what I had in you, not completely, but now that I have you back…"
"I wouldn't count on that," he said quickly cutting off her words and her contact. He rubbed at the spot where her hand had just been as if she had contaminated him with her touch.
"What are you saying? Upstairs we promised…" she trailed off unable to finish the words it hurt so much that she had to remind him of all they had just said to each other.
"Upstairs I knew who you were," he said eyes cutting in her direction.
"Don't do this. Don't let Mike ruin us. We just got each other back."
People milled in and out the door through the foyer, probably eavesdropping as they passed, but Quinn chose to ignore them. Sam was more important than protecting herself from providing even more ammo for gossips.
"I don't care about Mike. You think I give a damn about a marriage that's long been over? My problem is you and your lies. You neglected to bring all this up after I point blank asked you if there was anything else you needed to tell me."
"I thought you meant about the baby." She squeezed her eyes shut, unable to look at him while she fed him that lie. "I had no more to say about Beth."
Sam was starting to lose it, gesturing with his hands, talking loudly. Quinn feared that all of this was too much for him.
"I can't take this. You're talking in circles. You can't even look me in the eyes."
She softened her tone, trying to calm him with her voice. "That's not true. I'm looking at you right now. Sam I'm worried about your health, we all are, that's why certain things are being held back from you. We want to make sure you're strong enough to handle it all."
"Maybe that's true, but how can I know for sure? How can I trust anything you say? You've never lied to me like this before."
"Sam I wasn't lying, I just hadn't told you yet."
His head rocked back like she had slapped him. Everything she was saying was coming out wrong, hurting him in ways she hadn't considered. This was a first for her betraying him like this, never had she secreted away her actions from him, even when they threatened to flatten him. Now he had come back from a coma, hanging all his dreams on her and she was letting him down, tearing at all they were trying to build, all they ever were. Quinn wasn't sure if she could do this, keep up this pretense, further jeopardize her relationship with him. She needed Sam more than anyone else in this world, she couldn't lose him, not now, and definitely not because of this.
"Don't use that excuse. I know that excuse, used it often. Lies of omission still count. I can't believe I'm actually having this conversation with you of all people."
Desperation took hold and she grabbed for him, needing to feel him solid under her skin. "We don't have to do this now. Later when we meet up after the party, we'll talk again."
"Quinn I can't think about later." A tear fell from his red rimmed green eyes, a lone escapee from the ones that pooled in his eyes. "Don't you see, you're killing me? It's like you're slipping away right in front of my eyes."
"I'm not. I'm still here Sam. Touch me." She begged, wrapping her arms around his stiffened body, praying he'd relax and come back to her. "It's still me," she almost whispered, her voice raw from crying.
He shook his head as he remained stiffly in her arms. At least he hadn't pushed her away, that had to mean something. Quinn pressed her head against his chest, needing to hear the beat of his heart, as she did so often when he was in the coma. As long as his heart was beating there was still a chance, to make this right.
"I was happy wasn't I?" he asked against her hair. His head pressed on hers was all he would allow. "Before the accident?"
"You were," she replied, leaning away from his body. "Before everything came out about us, you told me it was the happiest you'd ever been."
"I wish I remembered that," he said closing his eyes for a beat, the way one did when wishing on a star or blowing out birthday candles. "I want to feel that way again. Maybe I shouldn't have fired Kali."
"We can go find her," Quinn suggested weakly. "Talk about everything." She felt lightheaded, thrown by this shift in Sam. He had never brought up wanting to remember before.
"I don't want to talk. I want my life back. I want to be happy again like everyone says I was. It had to be better than this." He ran his hand down his face, seeming so lost and confused, searching for something beyond what Quinn could give.
She couldn't give him back the joy he lost, not when there was still so much left unsaid between them. One day though, she'd be the one to make him smile, to make him happy again, if they could only survive all of this.
"I wish I remembered my wife," he said, softly looking upward, maybe hoping to find a means to end his despair.
Quinn stepped back trying to conceal how much that had hurt. Not wanting to admit how much of her dreams hinged on Sam's memory never returning.
"I think it would be best if we took a step back to cool down, and when you're calmer, you'll see that everything is okay between us." If only saying it aloud would make it so, they'd be back in their nursery dreaming of their life together, and not here battling tears and recriminations.
"Nothing's okay. Everything feels wrong. I love you so much Quinn, and right now I wish I didn't." He touched her cheek, so gently Quinn was sure she must have imagined it. A hint of a caress and then his hand was gone.
"You don't mean that," said Quinn running her hand through his hair, daring to cross the boundary he had drawn. "All of this will not end what we have."
Sam hovered over her, filling her with the scent of his aftershave and the warmth of his body. They remained rooted to their spots, so close, absorbing each other, perhaps praying for a way out of this awful place. Sam took a deep breath, his chest expanding to graze hers, before he looked way.
"I can't breathe Quinn," he said quietly, like a whisper as he removed her hand from his head. "I need some space."
He pushed past her, heading toward the door that led back inside to the party.
"Promise me you'll still meet me after the party," she called out. Sam froze, his back to her, his shoulders slumped.
The door opened and she stepped out, short and curvy, in all black. Quinn couldn't hear what Mercedes said as she reached up and placed Sam's face in her hands, pulling him down to her level to look in his eyes. Sam didn't flinch as Mercedes examined him closely, touching his face, and his head. Quinn should have looked away, ending the torture of being forced aside, this time by Sam himself. Curiosity was a hungry beast, it devoured until fed, so Quinn remained taking in the scene as it played out.
He was the one doing the touching now, holding Mercedes around the waist with one arm, as they continued their quiet conversation. If only she could hear what was being said. Was he telling her about all that he just learned? Was Mercedes joining in the bashing of her character that Mike had started?
She almost wanted to smile, unable to help feeling a little warmed at the sight of them together, looking almost how they had been. Sam would have loved this, being so close to Mercedes again. It was all he talked about while they were at the Beacon together before the accident. The thought crossed her mind that maybe Sam and Mercedes' marriage was built to last, and that not even amnesia could tear them apart. She would have been quick to tell him that last year, anything to give him hope, but now all she wanted was to step between them, break up their intimate little chat, but she couldn't for so many reasons.
Things were rough now, but Quinn held fast to the promises they made to each other in the nursery earlier that night. Their relationship had changed, deepened in the confines of that small room, into something real and full of potential. Even if Sam's memory returned, Quinn had to believe that ultimately it wouldn't change things between them. The coma had altered them both in so many ways. The things they wanted, the people they loved, had shifted over the past year, and led them back to the start, back to each other.
Quinn believed in their second chance brought about by tragedy and one small miracle named Beth. She knew they were headed toward that forever that had once only been a teenage fantasy. Yet even with all that faith a part of her couldn't shake the feeling that something had been lost tonight, all the revelations that Mike had dropped about her had pushed a little piece of Sam's heart into the light, a part he tried to deny and keep hidden. As she watched Sam and Mercedes disappear through the door, hands intertwined, Quinn couldn't help thinking that a part of him had left her and was on a collision course with his wife.