Ericcoolman's amazing mlpfim fanfic
PROELOG: THE BEGINNIN (Dunn Dunn- DUUUUUUUUNNNN!1!1!)
Twilight sparkle was galloping as fast as she could, with a feel of urgency . She needed to meet up with applejack, to come up with a plan, so she continued to run faster, among the desiccated remains of Ponyville. She ran faster. The enemy was catching up to her, and she was almost where she needed to go. She heard bullets whistling as they flew right past her. She realized that trying to get away was futile, they were going to catch up anyway, so she picked up her gun, and fired back in retaliation, but it was no use, her aim was not quite there yet. She was killed anyway. The last thing she heard before she died were some words from rainbow dash. Words which shook her very heavily.
"HA HA! LOOK AT YOU JUST LAYING THERE, NOOB! 5 KILL-STREAK! I'M GETTIN' A MOTHERFUCKIN' DRONE!"
"y'all best remember that I got a killstreak of 14 on yer little bitch ass!, and let's not forget them kills I got on rarity and fluttershy!" replied applejack
"oh shi-!" yelled rainbow dash as her head exploded into a million pieces.
"make that 15" said applejack confidently. The ponies had just spent all day playing the new game Call of pony: magic warfare
"No fair! How come me and pinky pie have to be the ones carrying the team!? You told us that it would just be you, twilight sparkle, and spike, against the rest of ponyville, and I thought 'hey this would be almost cheating! This will be fun!' but this is ridiculous!" rainbow dash yelled over the mic, before getting sniped by applejack
"COME ON! YOU'RE A SNIPING BEAST, SPIKE'S FUCKING GOING TO TOWN WITH THE STUPID ASS O.P NOOBTUBE, AND TWILIGHT SPARKLE… well, she sucks at this game." All of a sudden. They heard a shrill scream of frustration, followed by twilight laughing hysterically.
"what's wrong pinkie pie?" asked fluttershy quietly over the mic, as pinkie pie was obviously the source of the screaming. When she screamed, she sounded like a coked out child at the toy store who didn't get what she wanted… and was also inhaling helium.
"TWILIGHT RUINED MY KILLSTREAK OF 49! I ALMOST GOT THE NUKE!"
"YES I FINALLY GOT A KILL!" yelled twilight sparkle in excitement, as she did a victory dance. Her excitement soon ended as pinkie pie flew In with a HIEPR REELIZZTIK ATAK HELLICOPTR DAT KILLD TWILIT SPRKL ANG PINKIE GOT 666 XP ACCEPT TWYLIET SPRKL RLY DYED!1!1! oh, wait, what's that!? This isn't that kind of story? Ok then
"YOU END MY KILL STREAK, I END YOUUUUU!" she yelled over the mic.
"I say pinkie, you're taking this little game way too seriously." Said rarity in cursive.
"RARITY, SHUT THE FUCK UP! ... I mean, if that's alright with you…" said fluttershy.
BOOM! KAPOW! ONOMATOPEIA!
M-M-M-M-MONSTER KILL!
Isn't this supposed to resemble call of duty instead of counter strike? IDGAF!
Hey! I'm the narrator! I tell the story that you're reading now! If you don't like it, then you can go fuck a shoe stuffed with moose shit. This story starts with the main character walking down the hall of high school. No one really knows or cares about his real name, but his NICKNAME is platinum bullet. He's not very popular, but that doesn't matter, He doesn't have time for that shit anyway. His only friends are kids from younger grades. And they told him to meet them right outside the school for some ridiculous bullshit about "magic", and "wishes". He knew this was doubtlessly a prank, but he had nothing to do in particular since the day had just ended, and he just stayed after. He ran into a guy in the hallway. , and as he got up, he gasped in horror at who it was! For it was no other than his arch nemesis!
"GARY STU!" he exclaimed.
"aha! So we meet again platinum!" said Gary stu in his obnoxiously perfect voice.
"Fuck off Gary, I have a place to be, and I don't want to fight!" said platinum angrily.
"Of course you don't , who WOULD want to fight somebody as perfect as me? I'm better than everybody at everything!" replied Gary stu. He laughed for 6 minutes straight. Platinum secretly wondered if he could shut up about himself for that long. Or hold his breath underwater for that matter. Platinum took a swing , but missed, because Gary Stu was too fast. Gary stu beat the living shit out of platinum in retaliation. platinum got back up after Gary's bullshit. Gary was walking away. Probably off to make sure that he had already screwed ALL of the popular girls in school. The one flaw Gary had was that he couldn't write for SHIT! He wrote crappy fanfic about my little pony, where he fucked all of them, and saved the world. People like him make me sick! But none of that shit is in this script that I'm reading to you!
When platinum got outside the school, his friends were waiting there with a strange little device. His friend comet blitz was the only one who came to call the other kids on their bullshit, standing there looking smug in his color changing bowtie, and black, and red hair.
"Finally you're here! You look like you bumped into Gary stu on the way!" said one of them. They handed platinum the device. It had a screen, and a button. He pushed the button, and a face appeared on the screen.
"What do you wish for your first out of third wish? "Asked the screen. Platinum smirked at his friends' bullshit.
"A pet velociraptor. No, wait! A TALKING pet velociraptor! Named fluffles! In fact, I also want the power to control ALL dinosaurs, and to not look like I lost a fight with a wood chipper that's continuously being fed shit! ALL in this one wish!" Said platinum.
"alright, that second part made absolutely no sense, and the third part is just not going to happen, but I'll see what I can do about the first part." Replied the device.
"what kind of app is this?" asked comet.
"It's not an app! One kid asked for a hundred bucks, and he found a $100 bill in his pocket!" replied one of the other dumbass kids. The kid probably just put the hundred in his pocket to fuck with them.
"ALAKAZAM MOTHAFUCKAS!" said a voice, as platinum felt his body slam onto the solid pavement. Something very heavy was standing on top of him.
"That's a swear word! I hate swearwords!" yelled comet blitz.
"well I'm sure swear words hate you too!" cackled the voice.
"Excuse me, but could you please GET THE MOTHERFUCKING HELL OFF ME!? I THINK YOU CRACKED ONE OF MY RIBS!"
"LANGUAGE!" yelled comet blitz.
"oh, my apologies, my name is discord!" said the voice.
"what was that?" asked platinum, amazed that such a creature was alive, as he got up, and got a good look at it.
"NAH! I'm just fucking with you! I'm Fluffles! Discord isn't in this story!" replied the beast. Everybody pondered what he could mean by that.
"Holy shit! I actually have my own pet velociraptor!" said platinum, as comet sat down, moping with his arms folded.
"Actually, he's a Utah raptor! The velociraptor looked like a goddamned lizard turkey! But I knew what you meant!" said the device. But no, seriously look it up. Everything Jurassic park told you about velociraptors was a lie.
HOLY SHIT! IT'S TIME FOR BAD WRITING! SO BASICALLY, PLATINUMS SECOND WISH WAS THAT GARY STU WOULD DIE, AND COMET INTERRUPTED HIS THIRD WISH TO WISH THEY COULD GO TO A WORLD WHERE THEY COULD BE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE AND THAT'S HOW THEY GOT TELEPORTED TO EQUESTRIA BECAUSE FANFIC!
Platinum fell out of the portal ten feet above the ground. He hit the ground with a loud THUMP! He had a bad taste in his mouth. Like liquid iron, except that it's not melting his face off. He spit, and opened his eyes. There was one of his teeth on the ground in front of him, surround by a small pool of red. Shit! He thought. Now he looked like a filthy goddamned redneck! And not the cool kind that rides around on their dirt bikes, and farms, and stuff. The white trash kind. He started to get up, and looked at his hands. He screamed, because they were blue, but also because had no hands! Freaking hooves! HE HAD HOOVES! HE WAS A FUCKING ANIMAL! he decided to just sit there, and wait for fluffles to come out of the portal. This day was turning out to be a nightmare for him. He waited for a long time. He was hungry, frustrated, and lost. He wanted to go home.
"GOD! I JUST FUCKING WISH I KNEW WHAT TIME IT WAS!" He screamed. Then, all of a sudden, in a blinding flash of light, a watch appeared around his front leg. He was shocked. His wishes still worked in other universes!? he quickly became excited.
"I wish I was home!" he said confidently. Nothing happened. Platinum bullet suddenly came to the realization that he wasted his last wish on a goddamned wristwatch! Comet blitz, and fluffles fell out of the portal. The first thing they saw when he got through the portal was platinum bullet sobbing.
"platinum! You're a horse! Oh! And you got a neat new watch!" comet said. Platinum, got up, and looked at comet.
"you're a pegasus" he replied. He seemed to not be surprised at all. He'd already come to terms with the fact that they were never going back, and the fact he was losing his mind. in a second, platinum became filled with joy.
"Comet! You still have 2 wishes! You can get us out of here!" said platinum excitedly.
"Really!? I Still have 2 wishes? Awesome! I want some sick weapons, for all 3 of us! And for the final wish, I want us to always have an awesome one liner ready" said comet. Fluffles got nothingbecause he's a dinosaur, and platinum got a gun
"YOU WASTED THEM YOU IDIOT!" yelled platinum.
"I'll say, all I got was a baseball bat with a nail in it!' replied comet. They hopped on fluffles, and wandered around until they found the nearest town. Ponyville.
"Okay, so since this place is filled with ponies, we'll probably have to walk on all fours." Whispered platinum. One house that stood apart from the rest of them, caught fluffles' eye.
"hey, dude, that bitch lives in a hollowed tree!" he said.
"Relax fluffles, plenty of people live in trees. Midgets for example... or flood victims." Said platinum bullet.
"no, but dude, we should knock on the door!" fluffles shouted.
"no dude, I don't even know how to walk with four legs, we'll make a scene."
"FOR GLORY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" yelled fluffles as he charged toward the house, and head-butt the door. Twilight sparkle was still sucking at COD… umm… I mean… Call of Pony (no copyright issues here!) inside, and she heard the loud thump on the door, followed by several loud thumps.
"Spike! Could you get that?" she asked.
"NO WE DO NOT HAVE A MOMENT TO SPARE FOR PONY JESUS! NOW STOP COMING HERE!" yelled spike as he walked toward the door. When spike opened the door, you can imagine his surprise to see a fucking dinosaur at the door. He just stood there wide eyed for a few moments. He saw platinum lean to the side, and saw that there was blood dripping down his chin (from when he lost that tooth)
"Hey, is there anyone here we can talk to about real estate? We're new in town." said platinum. But before he even got halfway through his sentence, spike screamed, shut the door, and sprinted inside.
"shit, spike! What the hell's got into you?" she screamed
"GODDAMMIT! TELL SPIKE ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMNED NOOBTUBE!" yelled rainbow dash over the mic.
"wait a minute… spike are you botting!?" asked TS in horror
"BOTTING!? SPIKE, I WILL END YOU! YOU CHEATING LITTLE PURPLE FUCK!" yelled pinkie pie.
"TWILIGHT! THERE'S A PSYCHO ON A DINOSAUR AT THE DOOR! AND HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT REAL ESTATE!" yelled spike.
"DON'T EVADE YOU HACKER! I BET YOU ALSO GOT AIMBOT!" yelled rainbow dash. They all just rage quit because that game was the same as the previous 11000000 that came out before it. twilight sparkle just answered the door to call spike on his bullshit, but when she opened it, she was shocked as hell to see a velociraptor, a pony with blood dripping down his chin, and a little filly Pegasus in a color changing bow tie. She was so shocked that spike wasn't just being an asshole that she welcomed them in.
"I'm twilight sparkle! It's great to meet new friends like you!" she said nervously
"DUDE LET'S KICK THEIR ASSES! THEY'RE ASKING FOR IT!" yelled fluffles.
"NO FLUFFLES SHUT THE FUCK UP!" yelled platinum.
"uhh… you got a little…" she gestured to her chin, and platinum wiped his mouth, and looked at his hand.
"oh! This is mine! Don't worry!" he said.
"That's an… interesting weapon your friend is holding…" she said nervously, gesturing to the bat with a nail in it.
"Yeah! I know! It's brand new!" said comet blitz happily.
"So, are you a real estate agent, right? because at the moment we're homeless." Said platinum.
"No, you want the ponyville realty service. This is the library." She said
"Well, that's five minutes I'll never get back. Can you give me directions?"
"yeah, just take a left down (I'm making shit up as I go along, so I don't have time to make up a street name) avenue" said twilight sparkle. Dude, whoever wrote this was really lazy. I'm sure he had good intentions. Any-who, the three of them went to the real estate place, and bought a little house on lazy Writing Boulevard. They then went to the furniture store to get some shit to put in it. The store smelled like floor polish, and there was a stallion behind the front desk wearing whatever furniture salesman wear when trying to sell couches, and beds, and the like.
"Hey, do you have anything in stock that's pet proof?" asked platinum the second he walked in the store.
"Of course! What kind of pet do you have?" asked the store employee.
"Raptor." Said comet.
"Alright! I think we got something in here!" so after a couple minutes of digging around, he pulled out a couch with a large cage attached.
"Uh… what's the cage for?" asked platinum.
"you said you had a raptor" replied the store employee.
"Ok but why a bird cage? Is it for holding rabbits, mice, and stuff? Because I'm pretty sure he wants to hunt, not be fed." asked platinum, confused. The store employee pulled out a dictionary., and flipped to R. it said
Raptor
Noun
Bird of prey
"OH! You got it all wrong! You see, we meant a velociraptor!" said platinum.
"Dude, do you just carry a dictionary around wherever you go?" asked comet
"A velociraptor!? I'll believe it when I see it!"
"FLUFFLES!" called platinum, and the 8 foot sack of Jurassic badass burst through the door.
"I'M GOING TO FUCK YOUR SHIT UP IF WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING IN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES! GO!" yelled Fluffles. Long story short, they found out that their house was already furnished, so that whole thing was completely pointless. They went to the house, and when they got home, they opened the door, and there was a pink pony sitting there smiling ear to ear.
"Oh, shit! Is this the wrong address? Because I think that they told us our house was here! "Said platinum. the pink pony bounced over to them.
"Nope! This is your home! I've been waiting here! Climbed through the open window!" said the pink pony, in a very overly excited fashion.
"Uh… where I come from, that's called breaking and entering, and I would have a right to shoot you on the spot." Replied platinum.
"My name is pinkie pie!" she said excitedly
"I never asked…" replied platinum.
"You're funny!" pinkie pie laughed. Everyone laughed along nervously, because they were afraid that she would straight up murder them.
"Twilight told me over COP online that there was a new pony in town! So I ran to the real estate office, and they told me you lived here, so I ran over here to greet you! What's your name?" said pinkie
"Platinum… platinum bullet." He replied.
"well platinum, I'm pinkie pie!" she said.
"You just repeated yourself…" said comet
"you know, I love parties! You know what kind is the best?"
"Okay, we'll just put our hooves… hoofs? Into this trap you're clearly leading us into, what is your favorite kind of party?" asked comet.
"SURPRISE PARTIES!" pinkie pie yells, as everybody in ponyville poured out of the attic, and into the bottom floor of his house. Fluffles' pupils became narrow. He shrieked, and snapped up the nearest pony. He almost swallowed him, but platinum stopped him.
"FLUFFLES, NO! SPIT HIM OUT NOW!" he yelled. Fluffles snapped out of it, and spit the poor stallion out. He was covered in dinosaur saliva. He was an alicorn His coat was black, with black, and red hair, his eye color did not match the rest of his color scheme. His cutie mark (though platinum had no fucking idea what that was) was an infinity symbol. Platinum knew he recognized the stallion from somewhere
"I'm so sorry! He's a new pet, and I haven't really had time to train him!" said platinum sincerely.
"You should be!" said an annoyed female pony.
"Anyway, continue to tell us about yourself!" she said, all lovey dovey like.
"Oh yeah! So, my cutie mark is an infinity symbol. It symbolizes that no matter what you try, I'll be INFINITELY better at it!" said the strange alicorn, and the group of girls giggled themselves half to death at his stupid joke. Platinum was shocked. He had heard that voice before. It was the unmistakably annoyingly perfectly voice of. It was the voice that had plagued him every day of his school life in the human world. It was none other than…
"GARY STU!" yelled platinum, and sure enough, the alicorn responded to the name by turning around to face platinum.
"Oh my god, it can't be!" he said in horror.
"Oh my gosh! You two already know each other! This is great!" said pinkie pie.
"No. this isn't great. This person you see before you is the worst kind of person. He's bullied me his whole life!" said platinum pointing his hoof at Gary stu.
"Oh come on, that's ridiculous!" said pinkie pie. Then Gary stu repeated what platinum said, and everybody gasped.
"You monster!"
"You ought to be ashamed!"
"How could you bully this amazing person!?"
"You're awful!" are all things the ponies said, as they continued to surround him, Spouting out every imaginable thing out of their mouths to attempt to make him feel bad.
"FLUFFLES!" platinum yelled, and the velociraptor chased all the ponies out of his house.
"Oh shit, dude! He just made pretty much everyone turned on you!" said Fluffles.
"I don't know how he did that, he just repeated what you said!" said comet. Pinkie pie was still there. She shook her head really fast.
"Whoa! I don't know what happened! One second, I absolutely HATED you, but now, I feel really silly about the whole thing! I'm sorry!" said pinkie pie.
"It's fine. We're going to the library." Replied platinum.
"Can I stay here? To guard the place?" asked pinkie pie.
"You mean to tell me that you think ME, the fifteen hundred pound predatory lizard with claws the size of your head won't be enough!?" said Fluffles indignantly.
"Great, now not only do I have a goddamn velociraptor on my hands, but now he has an ego." sighed platinum, and they walked out the door. As soon as they set foot (hoof?) out the door, he was rammed onto the ground by a flash of color, and he was pinned down onto the ground.
"So, you like bullying people huh? Well, I'll show you!" Yelled his assailant.
"No! Please!" platinum yelled, and his attacker lifted him off the ground.
"Oh god! What are we doing?"
"We're going flying!"
"Please! Let me go!" yelled platinum In terror.
"You sure? We're already one thousand feet in the air! Don't worry, though, we're almost there!" said the voice.
"please! Whatever I did, I won't do it again! I swear to god!"
"SWEAR TO ME!"
"Holy shit! Are you batman? You don't sound like it!" asked platinum.
"No! Shut up!" yelled his attacker.
"Wow! Platinum bullet! What ARE the odds?" said another voice.
"Oh no! Please! Just drop me! Let me fall to my death! Just don't give me to him!" yelled platinum.
"You can let him go, rainbow dash, I got it from here." said Gary Stu.
"Alright! Hope this jerk stops bullying you sometime!" she said, giving platinum a dirty look as she flew away.
"Well, platinum, what are the odds that we BOTH get to go to equestria! Don't you feel lucky to be here?" asked gary stu.
"No, my time here has been a nightmare!" replied platinum
"Oh, it's fine if you have friends! Oh, wait! The only friend YOU have is the stupid little filly comet blitz, with his bow tie! Now look, maybe I'm not making myself clear! I absolutely HATE you."
"Don't worry; you've made that glaringly obvious."
"You're going to be the most hated one in Ponyville as long as I'm around, so you better invent an immortality pill, because we alicorns live forever!"
"Well, at least I'm not wearing jewelry, like a girl!" yelled platinum, Pointing at Gary's necklace.
"I prefer to call it bling, and you realize that I'm holding you up by magic, right? I could just drop you. You would die, and nobody would care!" said Gary stu.
"You'd get arrested, though!"
"Princess Celestia's in charge around here. I'm one of her new students. I could tell her that I tried to hold you up, but my magic wasn't strong enough. Oh, and yeah! Don't go trying to tell her about this, because I can convince her you're lying." Replied Gary. Platinum got angry. If there was anything in the strange new world he was in that was certain, it was that he wouldn't let that asshole get away with anything.
"CONVINCE THIS!" platinum yelled, and he spit right in that motherfuckers face. Gary stu yelled, and dropped platinum, platinum accidentally grabbed the necklace Gary stu was wearing, and the chain snapped. He fell for about 30 feet or so, before a Pegasus swooped, caught him, and flew him to the ground, back to comet, and pinkie pie.
"You should be more careful! What's a pony like you doing in the sky anyway?" asked the Pegasus. He looked at her. She was light blue, with a rainbow mane and tail.
"You carried me up there!" yelled platinum.
"Oh, yeah, sorry, I'm rainbow dash!" she said. Comet took the necklace.
"Gary stu had this?" he asked. Rainbow dash shifted her attention to comet.
"Hi little guy! What's your name?" she asked him.
"Comet blitz." He replied.
"Well comet, I like that cute little bow tie you got!" said rainbow dash said.
"Thanks, it changes colors when I walk!" he said, as he proudly walked in a little circle. rainbow dash seemed mesmerized that it could change to purple, and red, but platinum was less impressed.
"Hey! We still have the issue that you almost had me executed by that alicorn dude!" platinum yelled.
"You mean that one, flying towards you?" asked rainbow dash dismissively. Platinum turned around, and sure enough Gary stu was 10 feet away, before he had time to react, Gary had him on the ground with his arm pinned behind his back.
"WHERE IS IT!?" he screamed.
"Where's what?" asked platinum. Gary saw comet walking in a circle like he was lost or something, and got up.
"Hey, comet. That necklace thing is mine. Can you please give it back?" asked Gary, and comet gave the necklace back. As soon as Gary stu walked away, platinum told Fluffles that the house didn't need guarding anymore.
"Dude, I saw that out the window! That light blue rainbow bitch just switched her attitude toward you, just like that! How did you do that?" asked Fluffles.
"I don't know, but I have at least a percentage of a theory." Replied platinum.
"Well, let's hear it." Said Fluffles, as they walked out the door.
"Well, we're in a place full of ponies, Pegasus…es? unicorns, and alicorns, which are a combination of the latter two, plus to get here, comet wished we could go to a world where we could be friends with everybody. As far as I know, the only universe where all of those things apply is My Little Pony. As such, this universe probably has magic.
"Hey, you want a ride? Seems like this'll take a while." asked Fluffles, interrupting platinum. Platinum climbed on Fluffles back.
"Anyway, when he has that necklace on, everyone throws themselves at his feet, and takes his word as fact, when comet took it; he got rainbow dash's attention by doing something relatively unimpressive."
"HEY! SHUT UP!" said comet in protest.
"You walked around in a little circle." replied platinum.
"And it was impressive!" comet replied indignantly
"Sorry, but it's really not. Anyway, this had led me to believe that it's that necklace that gives him this power, and… oh god, what's going on here?" said platinum. Gary stu was standing on a giant stage in the middle of a huge crowd, holding a book.
"HELLO CITIZENS OF PONYVILLE!" yelled Gary stu.
"Hey, jackass! The microphone's there for a reason!" yelled one of the ponies.
"Oh, sorry. I have written a story for all of you. It's fanfiction really, it's called rainbow dash x rarity insane fuck fest!" said Gary stu, and the whole crowd cheered. Needless to say, Fluffles ran away before he started. They got to the library, and to the surprise of the three of them, twilight sparkle was there, not at the fanfic reading.
"Excuse me, I need a book."
"Well, this place is full of them; you'll need to be more specific." Said twilight sparkle, absentmindedly, trying to increase her skills at call of pony, (but she can't 'cause she sucks at that shit.)
"Uh, any books about…"
"OH, SON OF A BITCH! I AM FUCKING DONE WITH THIS GAME!" she yelled, then she turned around calmly, and said,
"Go on."
"Well… we need a book that may contain information about a necklace, amulet probably, that makes people within a certain radius throw themselves at someone's feet." Said platinum.
"You mean you noticed too?" asked twilight sparkle.
"Noticed what?" asked platinum.
"The new guy! Nobody knows who he is, and they're already his friends!" she said.
"Gary stu? Yeah! He's convinced everybody to hate me!" said platinum.
"I read about some special kind of amulet that makes everybody love you, but I heard it was hidden, and heavily guarded. He shouldn't have it."
"but he does, and we need to destroy it."
"Yeah! Because if we don't he could do horrible things with it!" said twilight sparkle.
"Oh, yeah, of course, but also he'll make my life a living hell!" Replied platinum.
"Okay… I read that it could be destroyed by the 6 elements of harmony, buti've looked literally FUCKING EVERYWHERE and they are nowhere."
"Wait! Wait! Hold up! Six elements? SIX? Last I checked, there were one hundred eighteen elements."
"what?"
"Yeah, there's Hydrogen, helium, lithium, beryllium, boron, carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, fluorine, neon…"
(A/N: this random science lesson brought to you by google, and my stupidity in thinking that this will make me sound smart! I rate 10/10)
"Those are the elements of the periodic table, I'm talking about the elements of HARMONY." Replied twilight sparkle frustrated.
"Well, at least I sounded smart for a second. Thank god I had to memorize the periodic table in school! Sure glad that I can feel good knowing that EVERYTHING they teach me can be applied to real life!"
"I didn't have to memorize that."
"Well, we went to different schools."
"Uh… guys hate to interrupt the argument, but we have a small problem with Fluffles." Said comet. They looked, and the door was agape, with 3-toed tracks leading away. Earlier Fluffles saw a rabbit, and thought the best thing to do was to chase it because he was a dinosaur, and by extension, stupid. Meanwhile, Fluttershy's just doing Fluttershy stuff, like hanging out with animals, and shit like that, pausing to say …um… more than Jeff goldblum without a script. Seriously, watch Jurassic park, and Independence Day. He says um more times than… shit, nothing says um enough to compare him to except Fluttershy (oh, by the way, I'm the new narrator, we replaced the last one 'because he wasn't cool as ice like me.) Anyway, Angel comes hopping down the forest picking up little mice, and boppin dem on da head, and he just gets to Fluttershy, and she's all like
"Oh, hey angel, you look scared, what's wrong?" and he's all like pointin back like nobody's biznizzle, and…
HEY! DAFUQ YOU DOIN BACK HERE? What? I was on my goddamn lunch break, and you let this guy narrate the story? Get the hell out! FUCK NO! I'M GETTING PAID PHAT STACKS OF CASH FOR DIS SWEET GIG! I said get the hell out! HELL NAW! Okay, fine, I still have 20 more minutes on my lunch break; we'll just replace you… BANG!
I'M NEW NARRATOR NOW BITCH! Kay, so angel was pointing back through the forest, and leaves crunching and twigs snappin, and shit was going on back there, so she's just all like
"Umm, it's just the wind I guess" but angel's all like "no bitch it's not!" so then Fluffles is just all like walking towards them, and Fluttershy sees his shadow, and she freaks the hell out.
"what was that?" she sez, and she's all terrified and shiznizzle, and he just sneaks up right behind her, and she turns around, and she's all like
"Oh my goodness! What kind of dragon is that?" and Fluffles is like
"Bitch, I'm a dinosaur!"
"Wow! I thought dinosaurs were extinct!" and HOLY SHIT THE NEW NARRATOR!
BANG! Hehehehe, sorry, I had to get rid of him.
"I'm a VELOCIRAPTOR!" Fluffles said proudly.
"Can ALL dinosaurs talk?" she asked.
"I don't fucking know, we're all dead! Can I eat that bunny you have?" asked Fluffles.
"What? You want to eat angel? Of course you can't!" said Fluttershy
"WOW! OKAY THEN! FUCK YOU BITCH, I'M OUT! BYE! PS: SUCK MY DICK!" replied Fluffles, as he walked away.
"Um… okay… bye." She said, and Fluffles walked back to the house.
"THIS IS BULLSHIT! THAT YELLOW FURRED PINK MANED WINGED BITCH WON'T LET ME EAT HER PET!" he yelled.
"She wouldn't let you eat her pet?" asked platinum.
"YEAH! AND IT'S BULLSHIT!"
"Oh, how rude of her. It's horrible how she wouldn't let you eat her pet." Said platinum, sarcastically.
"FINALLY, someone understands!" replied Fluffles.
"The struggle is real." Said comet.
"EXCUSE me, we have something a little more important to focus on!" yelled twilight sparkle
"Alright, got any ideas?" asked platinum.
"No."
"Okay then, neither do I, so shut up."
"You know, for somebody who's supposed to help with the problem, you really are a jackass!"
"Well, let me let you in on a little secret… I don't give a fuck." He whispered back. Let me tell you, that bitch got PISSED. She got a pile of books, and shoved them into his arms.
"READ THESE, AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU FIGURED OUT A SOLUTION!" she yelled at him.
"Alright, bitch! I will read them! All of them! Cover to fucking COVER! You won't believe how goddamn fast I will read these! You'll see!" he yelled, as he walked out the door.
1 moddafuckin week later
"Open up! I got something important to show you" yelled twilight sarkle, excessively banging on the door. Platinum came out of the door, holding a book, his eyes all squinting and shit.
"'sup?"
"I have the amulet! Do you have any useful information?"
"Who are you?" asked platinum.
"I'm the librarian! The one who's going to help you beat Gary stu!" replied twilight sparkle
"Oh! Right, uh… spilight twarkle?" replied platinum.
"Twilight sparkle! what's that book you're holding?" asked twilight sparkle.
"Oh… uh… this? It's… I think, 1984. Or maybe it's Fahrenheit 451…? Either way, I can't put it down." Replied platinum.
"what's wrong with you? Have you slept at all in the past week?" asked twilight sparkle. He nodded.
"You, like… got a bag of chips? Or maybe… a bag of chips?"
"This is very important! What's wrong? You repeated bag of chips twice!" yelled twilight sparkle. In reply, he just fell on the floor, and giggled. Fluffles walked into the doorway.
"Dude… can I, like, eat her?" he asked.
"No, Fluffles!" he yelled out, in between fits of laughter. Comet walked out the door.
"Sorry, these two are just baked as fuck." He said. Slowly, platinum stopped laughing, and gasped for air.
"Dude… that's just, like, your opinion man." Replied platinum.
(Authors note: I do not condone drug abuse, and anybody who does them is a fucking moron)
"Whoa! Hold up! Wait a goddamn second! Did the author really need to throw in some half assed 'just say no' message?"
"Um… what exactly is that supposed to mean?" asked twilight sparkle.
"I have no fucking clue…" replied platinum.
(But no, seriously, don't do drugs)
"Hey rainbow dash!" she yelled.
"Yeah?" yelled rainbow dash
"Help me out! Tell these two stoners that what they're doing isn't cool!" yelled twilight sparkle. Rainbow zipped down in front of the house.
"Smoking joints huh? Yeah, that's nothing!" she said.
"Thank you." Said twilight.
"Yeah, I once hit a bong bigger than twilight's brain here!" she said.
"duuuuude… how big is that? Is it… like… the size of a cantaloupe? Shit, I thought of cantaloupe, now I want some food." said platinum. Twilight sparkle screamed in a frustrated manner, and cast a spell that made him not stoned off his ass.
(A/N: Made up spell for plot convenience! HOORAY!)
"Holy balls! Now that I'm not high, I may not be a useless fuck!" said platinum.
"Have you got any information on the amulet yet?" asked twilight.
"I read all the books, nothing we didn't already know… Well, there's one about mythical creatures, and such, but that's irrelevant."
"Well, read ALL the books. Cover to cover! We can't be completely sure."
"Why are you so worked up about this necklace thing?" asked comet.
"Do you know what I did to get this thing from him!?" yelled twilight. Platinum thought about it for a second.
"Don't put that image in my head, please. This isn't clop."
"Oh god! I didn't do that! What the hell do you take me for?"
"Well, is there a Starbucks, or McDonalds or something anywhere in this town... city…? Maybe we can talk about… stuff? If we're going to work together to bring down Gary Stu after all, I want to actually fucking know my colleague." Said platinum.
"Are you suggesting, like… a date? Because I don't really…" twilight sparkle replied, rather surprised.
"Oh, HELL NO! I only go for human girls!"
"What? HUMANS!? Oh, I get it pervert, you're a FAPPER!" said twilight sparkle, pointing an accusing hoof at platinum.
"Fapper? What the hell is that?"
"You're a fan of the series My Little Human, aren't you?"
"Okay, I don't know what you're talking about; maybe you should tell me the meaning of all this terminology." Said platinum bullet. Finally, twilight noticed that he spent the whole time on his hind legs.
"Oh, I get it; you're roleplaying as your OC." Replied twilight. Platinum was genuinely confused. He knew all these words, and knew that they applied to fandoms, but still, he was very confused.
"Right, so, what about that McDonalds?"
"We got a few Tim Hortons around. Let's all go."
"Alright, Come Fluffles! Comet, want to come with?"
"nah, I think I'll just stay." Replied comet.
"Come on! You can run around, and make friends!" replied platinum to comets reply.
"Dude, I got you, and Fluffles as friends. Stop treating me like I'm your freaking 5 year old introverted kid." Said comet resentfully. The truth was, he'd been getting sick of their bullshit, and he'd been planning to sneak out, and make some friends, when platinum left. After all, platinum was alright, but if he was there, people might find his massive ego off putting. And Fluffles, oh, god, he couldn't even begin to name the problems with Fluffles. He killed people, and his blood lust was neigh unquenchable (lol). Platinum didn't even try to stop him, which was another problem. But he could go on, and on about all their problems, but that didn't matter. They were leaving, and he was going to make friends.
AT THE TIM HORTON'S
"So, you're a bruman?" asked twilight
"Tell me what the hell that is before I answer."
"Alright, never mind. So why do you only like human girls?"
"Because I'm a human trapped in a horse's body." Replied platinum. there was an uncomfortable silence after that statement.
"Okay, let's get off the subject of your weird fetishes." Said twilight sparkle, eating a Timbit.
"No, really, I was a human! I travelled to this universe because of my best friend comet!" said platinum.
"Oh! Now I know that it's not just a fetish, you're just mentally ill!" She said.
"I had wishes! How else did you think I got a velociraptor?" replied platinum motioning to Fluffles.
"Okay, whatever. So, why did you hate Gary stu?"
"Because he's a misanthropic asshole who thinks he's cool"
"Oh, by the way, is there any reason for us to be at a Tim Horton's?" asked twispark. Yeah I called her twispark, I isn't gonna apologize for it neither.
"What do you mean?" asked platinum, in a panicky voice.
"well I'm sure it doesn't add anything to the story. I mean, it could say we're at a McDonalds, and it would be exactly the same." Said twilight.
"NO YOU FOOL! POINTING OUT PLOTHOLES DOESN'T MAKE THEM DISAPPEAR! NOW WE HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT!" platinum screamed.
"uh… ok, why are we at a tim horton's?" asked twilight.
"I guess it could be a set up for a joke?" said platinum.
"alright, I can accept that."
"Good."
"What were we talking about again?" asked twilight.
"I honestly have no fucking idea." said platinum.
"Okay, so why do you hate gary stu again?" asked twispark. Yeah, that's right. Fuck you. All of a sudden, Gary stu walked through the door.
"Hello platinum," he said coldly.
"Twilight, what are you hanging with this loser for?"
"We're friends…"
"Nobody's friends with this loser except for that little shit, comet."
"Why are you here?" asked platinum.
"I'm 80% American, 1% Chinese, 2% polish, 1% French, and 5% Canadian. Due to that 5%, I could smell the Timbits a mile away." replied Gary stu. See? Told you we had a joke planned for that.
(A/N: aren't you getting tired of all these damn authors notes? Lol!)
"POINTING OUT THE PROBLEMS DOESN'T MAKE THEM GO AWAY!" yelled platinum.
(A/N: sorry)
Alright that's it.
Wait, what are you doing with that giant bread knife?
Something that should've been done a long time ago!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OH GOD! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS!? THE PAIN! YOU'RE EVIL! WITH YOUR OVERSIZED EYES, AND YOUR STUPID HAIR!
Because of the abundance of author's notes that the previous narrator added in this story, we have decided to go another way with him. I'm the new narrator! kawaii desu senpai waifu!
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN!
Oh previous narrator, u so kawaii! :3
SHIT! END IT NOW! PLEASE!
Oh previous narrator senpai, u must notice me first!
YOU'RE A GODDAMN PSYCHO!
Heehee! So gary stu looked platinum in the eyes, and confessed that he always acted like a jerk because he loved him! And platinum sed the same and NOSEBLUD! and they kissed, and made sexy time so hard that it opened a portal to another dimension
"That isn't going to happen." Sed platinum, simultaneously destroying my OTP, end gary stu's hert.
"Actually, I hate his guts. Stop trying to change the way it goes just to fit your OTP." Said Gary stu. But ur so cut 2gether!
GET OUT!
U CAN FIRE ME I QUIT! YAOI 4EVR!
OH SHIT! SHE HAS A GUN!
THAT'S RITE! IM THE NEW NARRATOR NOW!
BANG!
Oh, thank god! She was holding the gun backwards like the dumb bitch she is!
"Hey, can we get on with the story, or are we just going to continue with this stupid ass running gag?" asked platinum. God, well isn't he just a cheeky little bastard? Well, we don't have anywhere to go from without it seeming clumsy, and stupid, so Gary Stu challenged platinum bullet to a duel, and ran away. BAM! Next chapter!