Chapter 42
"Stop looking at me," she wanted to yell. The hurt in his green eyes was growing unbearable, as they tracked her about the room. She'd left him after her outburst too angry to talk to him without losing control. There had been enough attention on them already, with Quinn back in town, Mercedes didn't want to add to the whispers. Sucking up her emotions and occupying her mind with a task as she often did during times of crisis, Mercedes slowly made her way down the buffet piling up a plate with food. Sam was a few steps behind watching her every move when he wasn't being talked up by random guests. Satisfied with her selection, she made her way back to the table placing the mound of food in front of her.
In the seat for less than thirty seconds and already her mind was heading back to places she was trying to avoid. How dare he say that to her? The words replayed in her ears, "I wished for you and our marriage" pissing her off all over again. The nerve of that man toying with her emotions, with everything that meant so much to her, to just use it and twist it to suit his own needs. That was beyond low, even for him, and Sam had been pretty low before.
Accusing her of passing corporate secrets to D&E competitors because she was jealous of his relationship with Rachel was one instance. He had threatened to have her arrested that time, though of course it never happened, because Sam was all talk when it came to her. Dumping her for Rachel after having sex with her was another. Sam was no stranger to being down and dirty, but to mock her this way, when he knew how much it hurt that he had forgotten her. She had just told him that knowing he wanted Quinn was causing her endless pain, and he still pulled this. Mercedes plucked one of the hush puppies from the plate and squeezed it in her hands, making the shrimp and onion dough filling ooze like brain matter.
"Is that my head you're squeezing?" he asked taking a seat across from her.
"What are you doing here Sam?" she asked through clenched teeth. She was counting backwards in her mind, to keep her temper in check.
"Mercedes, you didn't think you could get rid of me so easily? We were in the middle of something." He handed her a napkin, which she reluctantly took, wiping the hush puppy guts from her hand.
"I can't be around you right now. I'm this close to losing it." She held up both hands to indicate the amount of strain she was under.
Sam picked up the fork he had brought back with him from the buffet and speared a noodle from the plate, popping it into his mouth. "How is it my fault that you can't handle the truth?" he asked between chews.
"That wasn't truth. That was you trying to play me. Again." He always did this, picked up on the one thing she wanted most and exploited it till she fell to her knees. A coma hadn't changed things, Sam was still up to his old tricks.
"Did you know that you react the strongest when you know you're wrong? I've learned that about you."
He had a smug grin on his face as he pulled the plate closer to him and dug in. Mercedes wished she could hate that smile, the way it seemed to mock her, growing wider the more annoyed she became, but she couldn't because she loved it. The fact that Sam could smile at all, made her want to get on her knees and thank a God she didn't fully believe in for bringing him back. He was a walking miracle, which infuriated her, because it was making it so hard for her to stay mad at him.
"I'm not wrong. There's no way in hell you meant a word of what you said. Ever since you found out we were married you've been trying to find ways to get rid of me. Now you expect me to believe that you wish for our marriage back? I'm not an idiot."
"No you're not. You're smart as hell, too smart for your own good. You think you have me all figured out, but that's impossible because I don't even know what I'm thinking half the time."
"Now that is true. You definitely are messed up in the head."
"I deserved that. Maybe. But I didn't deserve you getting mad at me before. I meant what I said. Try this," he said before Mercedes could begin her retort. Sam reached across the table and placed a forkful of food in her mouth. "Good, right?" he asked before eating some more.
"Don't try to distract me with salmon en croute. You deserved everything you got."
"I don't get it. I thought you would be happy to hear that."
"Right. It's my dream to be used as your back-up plan when you're on the outs with Quinn."
They were past this. Almost an entire year of push and pull, insults and accusations, hate masking respect, they had overcome it all and came out as friends, and then lovers. She'd forgiven him for sleeping with her then dumping her, really he was never to blame, she was the one that let herself be used by him, she knew that Rachel was still in his heart, even as she prayed that somehow he had found a way to let her in too. That was always the case when it came to Mercedes' feelings for Sam, she was always hoping for more. More attention, more affection, more chances to prove herself to him. And she had proved herself, finally he'd taken off the blinders and noticed her. Like out of a movie, the fog lifted and Sam's favor finally was on her, he loved her and openly admitted it. Never had anything sounded so good, it drowned out her doubts and the bad timing. Having Sam's love eclipsed everything else.
"It's not like that." Sam said, putting down his fork to run a hand through his hair in frustration.
"Isn't it? Quinn did something, hurt you, upset you, whatever, and now you are leaning on me because you know I'll let you."
Turn back time and replace the blonde with a brunette and they were back to Rachel again. Mercedes had let him lean on her during that break up, trying to mean it when she told him all she wanted was friendship, desperately trying to hide her secret satisfaction that Rachel finally was gone. But Rachel wasn't gone, like a boomerang she came back around, taking Sam back, just when Mercedes finally had gotten a small hold on his heart. It was happening again, Quinn had hurt him somehow and like a reflex he turned to her.
Mercedes had trained him to do this, stopping to give him hugs or kind words even in the middle of a heated fight. She never could quite hate him as she said she did. He was so perfect and beautiful in her eyes, even when he was being a jackass she never was turned off, if anything his pendulum of moods made her all the more attracted and aroused. Sam was a roller coaster of a man, full of dips and turns, never quite knowing what would come next with him. He constantly surprised her, and for a girl that was used to living her life day to day, never having a plan, it was comforting to have someone around that could bring excitement.
Settling in small town Lima had been good for her, putting down roots and building a life had fulfilled her more than she ever thought possible. Friends and family filled in all her gaps and made her finally feel like she had a place in the world. Once they were married, Sam had become just as stable and reliable, her constant companion, her rock. He said he would never leave and he almost died trying to keep that promise. Just like Sam to make even impending divorce an unforgettable adventure, falling from a car and then falling into a coma. He seemed determined to leave a huge mark on her life. Even if she managed to walk away from him, she knew she'd never truly get him out of her heart.
"You're saying that like it's a bad thing. I have come to rely on you and I do expect you to be there when I need you."
Sam really couldn't see the problems with this arrangement. Why should he? He was getting what he wanted, Quinn on his arm, Mercedes waiting in the wings. Mercedes didn't want to be a pushover. She didn't want to allow herself to be used as his shoulder while he cried about another woman, but her heart was holding her back from telling him that in clear terms. A part of her loved that he needed her, taking care of him, and being a continued presence had been all she lived for the past nine months. She prided herself on giving him care, reflecting her love for him in all her actions, making up for all the times when it was called into question. Perhaps her guilt about the accident started her course with him, but it was her love for the man that kept her there, praying for him to wake up as she performed their daily rituals. As she cuddled by his far too still side in the hospital, somewhere between prayers and dreams, she envisioned the day when he would open his eyes and see her by his bed and know that they would be all right and they would be together. Only the day never happened and she was stuck here with him doubting everything about their relationship.
"You make me sound like Figgins. Are you going to start paying me for my services too?"
"Stop getting defensive." Sam scolded with a hint of a smile. His eyes sparkled shifting to a brighter green as his mood lightened and the dark clouds that had been hovering around him seemed to fade. "I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that I like having you around."
"That's the complete opposite of all you've been saying," said Mercedes thinking of the numerous instances when he coldly pushed her away.
If he weren't so hot she could easily walk away from this, ignore those lips, block out those pretty green eyes. Her attraction to Sam had already stripped her sanity on more occasions than she could count. He was the ultimate cliché, knees weak, heart racing, uncontrollable urges to touch him, anywhere. Sam was her dream, her fantasy man, the one she imagined all those horrible nights behind tightly shut eyes as she tried to escape the pawing hands of faceless men.
He had saved her then, storming into her white castle, taking her into his arms and shielding her from all the pain that was befalling her body. Of course, she hadn't known it was him as a child, her hero that helped her endure it all, but the day she met him and looked into his eyes, she knew. This was the man that she had been dreaming of her whole life. Then by some stroke of luck she got to marry that dream, be with him every day, safe, protected and loved, until it was all torn away, leaving her once again with just the fantasy.
"I know," he said sounding genuinely apologetic. "I had to keep my guard up around you. My feelings for you were in the way…" Sam stopped and looked down at his plate. "That was one of my Great Aunt Gretchen's pickles."
"And?"
"I loved those things. The crunchy pickle, with the cream cheese and her marinated roast beef wrapped around it. I haven't had them in years. Does Mike know…?" His sentence faded midstream.
"What about Mike?" Mercedes asked, reading his face. It was clear that something had happened with Mike and with Quinn, she just didn't know what. It was taking all of her control not to hound him for answers.
"Nothing... All this." He waved his hand over his plate. "Are my favorites."
"Well yeah, it is a party for you. The hush puppies and biscuits are from Lola's, burgers are from the diner. Beiste had her chef make all your favorites from the BreadStix menu."
"Thank you for doing this." Sam rubbed the back of her hand on top of the table. "You're so sweet to me."
Mercedes was uncomfortable with this side of Sam, when he was quick with the compliments and the gratitude. It was so much easier to deal with him when they were at odds, verbally sparring came natural to them, she could easily read him during heated debates and extract all of his bull. If it were last year before the accident she could handle it, she had finally started to get used to Sam's affectionate and appreciative side, learning that he was open with his emotions when he felt truly comfortable with someone. But the Sam across from her wasn't comfortable, he had spent the better part of two months stressing to her just how uncomfortable he was and how she felt like a stranger to him. So why now was he suddenly turning on the charm? Mercedes became instantly suspicious, feeling like once again he was up to no good.
Mercedes quickly pulled her hand out of his reach. "It was Kurt's idea," she said shrugging. "I didn't think you would want to attend a party given by me."
Sam leaned back in his chair. "I saw this movie once where the guy had amnesia and he hated his wife that he couldn't remember. I'm so glad that's not us," he added looking at her intensely.
"It's not?" she asked skeptically. The scenario sounded very much like them to Mercedes.
"No of course not." He looked a little shocked, but what could he have been expecting her to think after all he'd put her through with his angry outburst followed by his blatant ignorance of her existence. "I don't hate you. That's the problem. It would be so much easier if I did."
"Easier for me too, if I hated you, then I could move on like I should."
She had never been able to hate him, despite all the times she told him she did. Even when she found out he was unfaithful, when he had ripped their marriage apart, she still loved the guy no matter how much she tried not to. At this rate it was going to take a magic pill or witchcraft to get Sam Evans out of her heart.
"And if I hated you, I could let you."
Something flickered in his eyes, if Mercedes were more of an optimist she would let herself believe that maybe he was having a memory, but she knew better, Sam called the shots when it came to his mind and he wasn't ready to let that part of his past in. Still she could see a change, a spark, he was actually being honest with her. He wanted her to stay. But why? Her silent musings were interrupted when Sam pulled her chair closer to him, only inches away, his hand resting on her thigh, elbow propping his head, watching her with half closed eyes. Mercedes could feel herself blush the longer he stared, warm and giddy like a kid with a crush.
"Sam," she said slowly moving toward to his face.
"What?" he asked, his eyes dropping to her lips.
"You've got cream cheese right here," she said wiping at the corner of his mouth with her fingertip.
"What?" he said again sitting up straighter a confused expression on his face. Mercedes held up her finger to show him the cream cheese. "Oh," he said self-consciously wiping at his face again. "Thanks for, uh, for that."
"On our first date you had cannoli cream on your face. It was cute." Mercedes smiled remembering that special night with him. "Still can't believe someone like you was willing to make cannolis with me in Beiste's kitchen."
"I've never made cannolis before. They usually arrived on the table pre-done."
"You guys probably had elves in the kitchen with Figgins doing all the baking."
"I spent a lot of time in that kitchen growing up, never saw any elves, but the bakery truck came by several times a week."
That bakery truck still came. The best pastries in town were found in the Evans kitchen. Kurt dragged her over to the house fairly often to pilfer baked goods.
"You asked me to go away for the weekend with you that night."
Annoyed with herself for even accepting his date so soon after her break up with Shane, she ended their date early leaving him wide eyed and slack jawed. Not to be deterred by her disappearing act he popped up at Beiste's house with some flowers and a lopsided grin. Her doubts about dating Sam quickly dissipated as they talked and made cannolis in the kitchen. In typical Sam fashion, he ate more than he filled, but it was nice to have his company all the same. As far as first dates went theirs ended with a bang, so many kisses she didn't want to say goodnight. The cannoli cream led to the kissing and then to the couch, willpower gone, caution tossed aside, like her shirt, common sense had no place when finally she had her arms around Sam.
His eyes narrowed as he tilted his head. "On our first date? I didn't waste any time. I must have been really into you."
"I thought we were moving too fast. I had just broken up with Shane, but the more time I spent with you that night, I knew there was no one else I would rather be with."
"I can see all that in my mind. The moon eyes, finding excuses to touch me, you're doing all that now when not so long ago you were pushing me away."
Penetrating eyes holding her to him, unrelenting until she did his will and lost herself in the darkening green. This was a seduction, perhaps unintentional on his part, but happening nevertheless.
"I've never had moon eyes in my life," she said wanting to look away, but couldn't quite get herself to do it.
"Two of them, right there," he said pointing two fingers in her face. "And why are you so close Mercedes? If you wanted something from my plate you could've just asked."
"It's my plate actually and you were talking low I had to move and there was cream cheese and you suck."
Rambling and stammering her way through the sentence, flustered by his attention and those lips that conjured up thoughts of their past, their marriage, the sex. She might have been clinging a bit, touching him more than needed, staring a bit too much, but she was human and weak and he was giving her so many sexy looks. She had waited months for him to look at her like that again, and with the amnesia she was starting to lose hope that it would ever happen, but here he was sitting knee skimming close, eying her up and down like it was two years ago and he remembered it all.
"Are you pouting? That's so cute." Sam smiled rubbing his thumb across her lips. Mercedes shivered from the sensation, imagining him touching her lips with more than his finger.
"How did I marry someone so annoying?" she asked mentally throwing cold water on her passionate thoughts. She was in control, she reminded herself.
Mercedes tried to focus on his jerky qualities instead of the incredible sexiness of him sitting there in a black suit, licking his lips after eating hush puppies, the way his eyes slid closed as he savored the taste, the same looks he gave in bed when he was satisfied, but still hungry. Sam did everything with such intensity, giving his complete attention to whatever was before him whether it was a plate of food or the woman that he loved.
For a time Mercedes had been that woman, lapping up all his attention with greedy pleasure. She had figured she would have more time to enjoy him and his incredible hands, maybe not forever, a part of her always thought Sam would come to his senses and move on, but for longer than they got. If she had known their time would be so fleeting she would have tied him to their bed and demanded service round the clock, only letting him up for food. Breakfast in bed came to mind, Sam feeding her fruit while the morning sun spilled into their bedroom. Why was she doing this to herself, getting aroused by memories of things she would probably never have again?
"Shouldn't have said yes," he grinned.
"I didn't. I said no."
Sam's face dropped along with his fork. "Uh..."
"Then you convinced me. That was the first time you ever made love to me."
"What about our sex tape?" he asked dragging her chair even closer to him. The food was ignored now that they had embarked on his other favorite subject.
"You didn't love me then, but that weekend we spent together I finally felt it. I couldn't say no after that."
Their first time had been great. Mercedes had experienced sex in a way she never had before. But all the wonderful sensations of their night in a seedy motel, couldn't hide the undercurrent of pain tapping at the door, Sam wasn't hers. She didn't have his heart and all the sex in Lima wasn't going to change that. Time however did, and by the end of the year Sam had fallen for her and was ready to make a commitment.
Feeling on a contact high from some unseen drug, Mercedes couldn't quite believe Sam had actually proposed, no matter how many times he assured her she wasn't dreaming. Deciding it simply was too good to be true, and too crazy to even contemplate she turned him down, for the first time ever letting sense prevail over her impulses. Then Sam made this passionate plea about fate and perfect matches and she got caught up in his pretty words her head spinning that Sam Evans was standing shirtless in a hotel room begging her to marry him.
Sam finalized his argument in bed, making love to her in the brightly lit room, telling her he loved her with every kiss, like it was natural, like he had been saying it all the time. As he murmured that he would never let her go against her skin, something broke in Mercedes, the damn holding back her love for him gave way and all that she had locked up for her survival was freed and she was filled with love for him. Finally she was able to tell him, show him, that he was all there ever was, and all she ever wanted there to be.
He raised his eyebrows, his smile re-emerging. "So good sex won you over." Nodding and smiling, satisfied with his chest puffed like he'd just won a prize, he said, "I knew my skills would come in handy one day."
"I was crazy about you Sam. I had wanted to marry you for so long. You're all I ever wanted," she said getting choked up.
So much pent up inside her, pressing against her heart, begging to be released. Mercedes wanted to tell it all to him, give him all that she was feeling, heap it on his back, maybe that would help him remember something, force him to come back to the life he left behind.
Loving him beyond measure, she was throwing her heart right out on the table and he still didn't seem to get it. The timing was wrong and he probably wasn't ready to hear something so deep, but she needed him to care, just a little, and not because it stroked his ego or made his head swell, but because he was moved that she wanted him so much. So pathetic that she found herself back in the same lonely place she was two years ago, wanting Sam to care when he clearly didn't.
On an impulse she touched him, running her hand along the buttons of his white shirt. She wanted to climb into his lap again, but she couldn't, too scared that he would reject the intrusion and send her shamed back to her own seat. Didn't seem fair to be this near him and not be able to touch him the way she used to, the way she desperately needed to. It was unbearable being around him like this, when he didn't love her in return.
"There's those moon eyes again." He caught her hand and held it against his chest "Little nurse," he sighed. "You're making this so hard."
"Sorry if I said too much. If you're uncomfortable…"
"I'm not," he said stroking her hair. "I'm such an idiot," he said against her forehead, planting kisses between his words. "I can't believe that you're in my life, still, after all the crap I've put you through." Sam shut his eyes and whispered apologies across her lips, light tickles of kisses teasing her for so much more. "You're still that same wonderful surprise I met in the hospital. I don't know if I can give you up," he said almost under his breath.
Mercedes struggled to make sense of his words, her mind so hazy from his nearness and those little kisses. Unable to take much more, she backed way and she started to get up, to get some space from those lips and those eyes.
"You need to breathe babe. You're not making any sense," she soothed. Mercedes could feel his heart racing through his shirt.
"I'm just so…you are so…I don't know…" He shook his head, seeming confused.
"I'm going to get you some water," she announced abruptly.
"No stay," he said clutching her hand tighter. "I'll get it. I will get some water for you too, with ice. You look like you need to cool off. You're all flushed," he said with a crooked smile. Sam dropped her hand and stood up, adjusting his jacket as he stepped away from the table.
He kissed her on top of her head, lingering over her, as if he were debating whether to hug her or walk away. Sam straightened up, smiling down at her, before leaving her alone with a half empty plate and a half full heart.