Chapter 43

"Two bottles of water please," Sam ordered from the bartender at the small lighted bar in the corner of the room.

Mercedes wasn't visible from this angle, he hoped she was still at their table and hadn't bolted to parts unknown. He was pretty sure he had freaked her out with all the incoherent babbling and the kisses. She must have been thinking he had lost his mind, since she had no way of knowing that his guilt was eating him alive. How could he continue this pretense with such a sweet girl? She didn't deserve to be strung along like this for months, just so he could appease his father. There had to be a better way. Too bad Sam had to yet to think of one. What made things worse was that it all was starting not to feel so fake anymore. He couldn't tell when he was pretending and when he was telling the truth. It all felt real to him now. He was enjoying her company and he really did want to know about their life together. And that wish? Yeah that was real too, so real that he made it repeatedly in his mind, whenever thoughts of Quinn emerged.

"Sam Evans!" a woman yelled behind him. Sam was face to face with a petite woman in a tight gold strapless dress.

"Kitty." Sam paused pulling out his fake smile. "Wilde. Hi."

She flashed a brilliant white grin, tossing her platinum blond hair over her shoulder. "Last I heard you were knocking at death's door. Now look at you, finer than ever," she said running her long red fingernails down his arm, blood red against his black suit.

"Uh...thanks. I think."

"I can't get over how good you look. I saw you in the coma...yikes...but damn...you look downright fuckable tonight."

Sam felt naked as she looked him over. She actually licked her bright red lips as she checked him out. Usually he had no issues with a woman showing her appreciation of his assets, but tonight he wasn't in the mood to be ogled. He was having a hard enough time convincing Mercedes to trust he didn't want to be with Quinn, he didn't need Kitty tossing her hat in the ring as well.

"Kitty you really should cool it with the compliments, you're making me blush."

"Since when do you blush?" she asked. "You love to be told how hot you are. Is this for the benefit of your wife? Because Mercedes knows I'm harmless."

Sam held back a laugh. Never in all the years he'd known Kitty had she ever been harmless. Brazen, bold, unbelievably forward, those were all words to describe Kitty Wilde, when she saw something she wanted, she went for it full throttle.

"You know Mercedes?" Sam asked a bit surprised.

"Well duh. I was at your wedding, and you guys came to my engagement party."

"Right, of course." He should have known.

There was evidence of Mercedes all over his life. In such a short time she had managed to become fully entrenched in his world. Associates from D&E knew her, his distant relatives sung her praises, and now his old high school friends knew her too. He had been married to Brittany for two years, known her all his life, and he was pretty sure she knew less about him than Mercedes did.

"I talked to her quite a bit at the hospital when I came to see you. Great taste in shoes. Now I will admit when you first hooked up with her we all were pretty surprised. You barely liked high school girls even when you were in high school."

That wasn't exactly accurate, he just didn't like her. Kitty was too obvious, no mystery. She was the type of woman that his father used to warn him about, all flash and gloss, with one hand on the package and the other on the wallet. Kitty had pursued him all through high school, even when he was dating Quinn, and while Sam enjoyed her attention, he never got involved.

"She wasn't in high school," said Sam tightly, feeling the need to stress that he didn't marry the head cheerleader from McKinley High.

"I know. So serious," she said going for his hair. Sam leaned out of her reach. "I'm just teasing. My point is she's so young, we didn't get it. I remember talking to Ryder and Jake at your wedding wondering what got into you, and it was Quinn that stuck up for you. She said Mercedes made you happy and complete and that Mercedes was more than she seemed."

"Wow Quinn said all that?" he asked with a small smile.

That's the Quinn he remembered, a good friend no matter what, sticking up for him at his wedding, defending his right to love even the most unexpected person. Where was that girl now? Why wasn't she standing up to his family, fighting for the right to be honest with him at any cost? The answer was obvious. There were some things that Quinn didn't want him to know about. A troubling thought for him because there was a time when they shared everything, a time Sam was so sure would never end, and yet now he doubted Quinn like he did everyone else, and he absolutely hated the feeling.

"Shocking I know, since she was the one that wrecked your marriage in the end."

"Kitty..." he exhaled sharply. The last thing he wanted to talk about was his affair with Quinn, especially not with her.

"Sorry let's forget that bit of unpleasantness." Kitty spread out against the bar, crossing her legs at the ankles. "You're back on your feet and your wife has forgiven you. She has forgiven you right?"

"I don't want to get into any of this with you." She seemed like the type that would sell him out to the highest bidder, for the first time that night he was thankful to be sober, he wouldn't have to worry about spilling his guts to the wrong person at the party.

"I'm sure you don't, with Quinn being out of the hospital and that photo," she said lowering her voice, her eyes glinting mischievously.

The latest gossip wasn't lost on her as he suspected. She looked like a kid with a secret she couldn't wait to tell. He needed to get away from her quickly before he let anything slip. Everything was weighing on him so heavily, he was tempted to pull up a stool and lay it all on the bartender at this point.

Thinking such horrible thoughts about Quinn, trying to remind himself that years had passed, and her health had suffered and perhaps that was the cause of this change between them. Then in the next moment he was eager to block her out completely, because thinking about Quinn in any capacity made his chest ache and his head throb, so disillusioned by all of this that he had actively wished for a life without her. That had never crossed his mind before, even when she went to Puck, and that killed him, he still never wished her gone from his life completely. And now he had wished she would just disappear, at least for a little while, to give him some peace, to give him a chance at being happy.

Mercedes seemed like that chance. If only he could let her be, let her into his heart, give her the spot he reserved for Quinn, it all would be better now. These were all unrealistic fantasies, not a chance in hell of ever coming true. He'd never be over Quinn, his feelings for her were too deep to ever fade, but he could no longer deny that he liked his wife. She was sweet, funny, infuriating and so damn cute. It had been fun talking to her tonight, hearing her stories about their relationship, watching her blush and pout. Everything he liked about her at the hospital when he thought she was just his nurse was still there, amplified greater because now he knew he had the right to like her, that he could even touch, he was the one her heart belonged to. That thought was just as arousing as her sexy lips. He liked knowing how much Mercedes cared about him. It was the one certainty left in his life. If nothing else at least he had her, unless he screwed it up, which was highly likely at the rate he was going tonight.

"It was really good seeing you again Kitty." Sam grabbed his two bottles of Veen water from the bar, a not so subtle hint that the conversation should end. "But Mercedes's waiting for me."

"I'd love to see Cede." She perked up. "Where are you guys sitting?" Kitty asked looking around the room for Mercedes.

Mentally he was groaning. Sam didn't want to spend another moment with this vapid woman. "How about we come find you? Right now we're in the middle of something. It's been so long since we've had time together."

Little did Kitty know how long it truly had been for him, felt like forever in his mind. Their time together at the party really had been their first since he was in the hospital. When he thought about it he was embarrassed that he had actually ignored his wife for so long. Not remembering her was no excuse for treating her badly. There had to have been a better way for him to handle his initial readjustment to his life. Now he was paying the price, Mercedes was reluctant to be around him just when he needed her the most.

"Aww so romantic," she gushed.

"I'm trying," he said holding up his bottles, as if they were champagne instead of water.

Truth was he hadn't been trying much at all. He was too scared of rejection or worse yet another stint of her telling him how he wasn't "her Sam" to risk anything too emotional with her. He had lost himself a bit, overwhelmed by her admission that she was so crazy about him that she was willing to marry him essentially after their first date. That had been nice to hear, and the look on her face when she said it, completely mind blowing. But none of that changed their current situation, she didn't seem so crazy for him now. Mercedes was blocking him at every step, whenever he even tiptoed near getting closer to her. He had been flirting like crazy, pulling out some of his more charming lines, and she was in a constant state of eye rolling, blocking him out.

Sam would need to come harder if he wanted his wife to stick with him for the rest of the year. How he could do much more in middle of a house full of people was beyond him? All of his best seduction techniques involved sex, but with Quinn in the house, Sam knew there was no way in hell he was having sex, with anyone. Either woman would have his head on a platter if he tried to get physical. Stuck in the middle of two women and he really couldn't be with either one at the moment, something like this could only happen to him.

"I'll leave you to it, but you better bring Mercedes to see me at some point tonight."

"Will do," he said with a nod and a forced smile.

When Kitty left his smile dropped along with his head. Time to go back to Mercedes, he was a bit apprehensive about facing her again. Something was pulling him toward her, something he couldn't quite identify or control, and he didn't know what he would do in her presence now. There was an overwhelming urge to touch her, that had always been there since the hospital, but tonight it felt wild and unyielding. She might be trying to block him, but a part of him felt more open to her than ever before.

Maybe there was some merit to birthday wishes after all.

"Hey. Gotta minute?"

Sam looked up to see Quinn, nervously tucking her hair behind her ears, a tentative smile on her face.

Or maybe not. So much for wishing away one woman for the other, Sam was right in the middle of the two.

"I thought she would never leave. I've been trying to avoid her all night," she said lightly, ignoring that he never said he was willing to talk to her, but feeling encouraged that he was still there. At least he hadn't fled and left her standing alone.

"She hasn't changed much since high school has she?" he asked staring at the bottles of water in his hand.

"Nope. Still over blond and loud." Quinn laughed her amusement dying when she looked at Sam's face, cold and emotionless, watching her.

"It's sort of nice she hasn't changed," he said holding her gaze. "Comforting. At least I know some things will stay the same."

Sam wanted to hurt her with that comment, ram her in the heart where he knew it would hurt most. She was going to have to pay for her past all over again, it was just surprising that Sam was the one doing the collecting.

"Sam...I want to explain."

The explanation had been forming in her head since he left her in the foyer. She was selfish, she was afraid, she loved him so much she didn't want to hurt him. All of those were reasons she could give for holding back the truth from him tonight, but none of the words would take shape. How could she explain about her lies, when there was still one big lie between them? Until she talked to him about Beth, there could be no valid excuses.

"Not now. I can't now." He held up his free hand and backed away, casting his red rimmed eyes downward, but still Quinn could see the pain she had created all over his face.

"I don't want you to be mad at me." Her voice broke as the tears came.

Crying in front of him was the last thing she wanted to do, but she couldn't help it, there was no way to adequately contain all that she carried within her chest. Lying about Mike was the least of her worries. She had only done it to preserve a little bit of their time together, to give them something good to hold onto before Sam learned all about the bad. Being in a relationship with his brother might have hurt him, and he could have been disappointed in her unfaithfulness the way he seemed to be now, but none of that would compare to how he would see her once he learned the truth about what she did to their daughter. That was the ultimate fear that kept her silent.

Hiding behind Sue and Dwight's wishes that Sam be spared the truth for now, was just another way for her to prolong the relative calm in her life, to have him love her a little while longer. Because in the back of her mind the thoughts had been building, what if Artie was right? What if Sam did hate her when he found out what happened to Beth? Quinn could handle a lot of things, the gossip, being away from her baby, being locked up, but Sam's hate wasn't something she could endure. It wouldn't be her life, without him in it. She couldn't risk him walking away in disgust or anger, or worst of all hate. There was no coming back from hate. Hate would murder their bond and end all their years of friendship. Quinn couldn't let that happen, so she held her tongue and prayed for a time when she could tell him the truth and he would understand.

"I'm not mad," he said softly, avoiding her eyes.

"Then how come you won't talk to me?" she asked, sniffling back her tears.

Clenching and unclenching her fists, she warred with herself for control. Reaching out to touch him now would've been inappropriate, his body language was tense and closed off, arms crossed, the bottles acting as plastic guards of his torso, but all Quinn could think of doing was touching him somewhere, anywhere, she needed that contact to know that they were still real. She'd touch him, his eyes would soften, his breathing would quicken and he would melt into her, the way he had so many times before. One touch and he would be reminded of all they were, their connection, but her fears paralyzed her, keeping her hands fisted at her sides.

"You know what I was just thinking before Kitty came up to me?" Sam looked over at her with incredibly sad eyes. "I was thinking about how much I'm enjoying hanging out with Mercedes. And I asked myself why didn't I spend time with her sooner?"

"Are you blaming me for that?" She hadn't told him to stay away from Mercedes. In fact she was the one that sent him home earlier in the afternoon.

"It's not about blame. I made choices, based on my heart, on what I thought was right for Beth and us."

Sam put his hand on her shoulder, lightly with almost no pressure, as if he were uncertain whether he wanted to touch her skin or pull away. Quinn made the decision for him, putting her hand on top of his, anchoring him down against her, keeping him there.

"And now you think those choices are wrong?" she asked searching his face for a hint of what he could be thinking.

Upstairs he had told her so much about his hopes and dreams, about wanting to be with her, about marrying her, creating a life with their child, all of that couldn't have disappeared in the span of a few hours. Dreams didn't evaporate that fast, not when they were real and wanted, like theirs were.

"You tell me Quinn. Was it wrong to put all my faith in a future with you?" he asked wiggling his hand from beneath hers, letting it fall to his side, limp and lifeless.

She shook her head, more stunned by the absence of his hand than his question. "I don't think you were wrong. Nothing's ever felt more right in my life." The courage to admit that surged within her, if he needed reassures she had them to spare. They were worth fighting for, as wrong as their feelings might be, but sometimes even the wrong things come together to make a wonderful right.

"She loves me, you know?"

Quinn grasped the edge of the bar feeling knocked by his words. She held fast to keep herself steady and upright.

Mercedes wasn't part of this conversation, they were talking about their life, their relationship and yet suddenly for the first time Sam had purposely put her between them, setting up an obstacle that wasn't apparent before. She wasn't supposed to matter to him. Mercedes was the inconvenience he was eager to divest from his life. Quinn couldn't help but wonder what had happened since he walked through those doors with his wife on his arm.

"I know."

No one knew that better than Quinn did. Even before accident when Mercedes was being a total bitch, shutting Sam out at every turn, Quinn knew Mercedes still loved him. It was easy to see, she had been in her place before, she knew what it was like to hurt a man that she loved, more than once if she were honest. Mercedes' love for Sam was the silent threat to their happiness, lurking in the shadows waiting to emerge and wipe their future away.

"She's been waiting all this time for me, hoping that we could pick up where we left off. I bet my brother and definitely Puck used to feel the same way about you. Loving you and wanting a life with you."

Up until now Sam hadn't mentioned Mercedes' feelings much, nothing beyond feeling bad for her unhappiness, but this was a new twist, a new angle never before explored. Sam was considering more than just her pain now. He was thinking about Mercedes' feelings, possibly even exploring their depths, and from the sound of it liking what he had found.

"I thought you understood about Mike and Puck." Tears started again as Sam took another jab at her heart, throwing her mistakes back at her.

"I do," he said wiping at a tear on her cheek, seeming to forget his self-imposed boundary for a moment. "I'm living it right now, doesn't make it any easier though." Sam's eyes met hers and for a time, so fast and fleeting, he let her in, exposing all the emotion he had been attempting to hide from her. The kindness, the friendship, the love, it was all still there hovering beneath the surface, fighting to be freed. "It's hard to look into the eyes of a woman that loves you knowing that you're planning to break her heart."

"Are you talking about Mercedes or me?" she asked so low, she wasn't sure if he even heard her speak.

Crying softly, she watched him standing stiffly beside her, avoiding her eyes. His breathing was labored, like a pant after a run. Quinn knew it was taking a lot out of him to just be there in her presence. She knew Sam well enough to know that he didn't like to be so exposed and open with his emotions, yet for some reason he remained rooted to the spot, as if he were waiting for something. Quinn had no means to help him, no solace to offer, there was no escaping from the truth that now hung between them.

Then there was Mercedes, their torment and salvation, wrapped up in one small package. Sam's interaction with his wife tonight was because of her. She knew that Sam was doing his best impression of husband of the year to win his way back into Mercedes' good graces, and Quinn was grateful he was willing to go to those lengths to help her stay free, but still she couldn't shake the feeling that there was more going on behind Sam's eyes than he was letting on.

"I need to go. I think my wife has waited long enough," he announced abruptly, walking away without looking in her direction.

A chill filled the air as he brushed by her, goose bumps rose on her skin, which she rubbed, more for comfort than warmth. If Sam was really starting to feel something more for Mercedes, Quinn wasn't sure if she could handle that change, not now, not after he'd given her this incredible gift of his love and of hope for a home and family. She didn't want to give any of it back, or let those dreams go. Sam asked her to be selfish in the nursery earlier, and that was all she could be now for her own survival.

Clinging to him with all her strength even as he seemed to be the one pulling them under probably wasn't the smartest of moves. Dr. Hill would probably strongly advise her against holding onto Sam at all, but Quinn didn't need second opinions for what was in her heart. There was only one thing that got her through the past year, helped her survive losing Puck, losing her sanity, and even losing her daughter, and that was Sam. Dr. Hill could quote every psychology book in the world, but the only the treatment that truly worked for her was holding onto her faith in Sam, in his love, and his friendship. Even when he wasn't with her in body, he was always there in spirit, holding her up, and helping her stay strong. Beth was born from this strength, and though she had failed her baby, Sam would not. He would be the one to keep them both afloat now that he was back and able to anchor them. Nothing would make her doubt him, and she'd do anything to keep him in her life.