Chapter 46

Sam staggered toward them, with a stupid smile and dazed expression, bumping into random chairs and the occasional person, his mind obviously a million miles away.

"Didn't keep your hands in your pockets I see."

Sam looked up startled, his smile grew sheepish as he looked at Puck, a gentle blush coloring his paler than usual skin.

"Just leave it Puck," he said not looking anywhere as serious as his words were meant to be. His smile widened as he looked away from Puck, off into the crowd.

Quinn's stomach clenched as she watched his reaction, like a schoolboy in heat, endearing and nauseating at once. It was sweet to see him so affected, having healthy reactions to everyday activities. For so long she had feared Sam would never respond to anything again, that he would remain trapped in his motionless body until he just faded away from life. God had blessed them when they brought him back, and his red cheeks and embarrassed smile were evidence of that gift. If only Mercedes hadn't been the one that had given him that reaction.

"Red's not really your color," Puck said ignoring Sam's weak warning to back off.

He handed Sam a cocktail napkin, indicating toward his lips. Quinn hadn't noticed until Puck pointed it out. Mercedes' lipstick was smeared across his lips, embedded almost like a sunburn across his mouth. She had to turn her head away, not wanting to contemplate how much force it must have taken to get lipstick so deep into his skin.

Without warning Sam leaned between them, grazing her arm with his as he put his discarded napkin on the bar. Quinn stirred at the contact, tiny shivers running down her body from that small touch and his sudden nearness. There was a distance between them since she told him about Mike, an invisible wall he had erected blocking her out of his view. Sam didn't even turn to acknowledge her, choosing to direct his full attention to Puck instead.

"So where did Cede go?" asked Puck oblivious to the storm brewing within Quinn. He chatted up Sam casually, like they hadn't just witnessed him put his tongue down Mercedes' throat. "She sprinted out of here after that kiss."

"She went to check on Beth," Sam practically mumbled, giving Quinn a quick sideways glance when he brought up their child. "We haven't seen much of her the whole night. I think our relatives are holding her captive," he said more clearly, a smile easing back onto his face as he talked about Beth.

"Jealous that she's getting more attention than you are?" Puck teased.

"I probably should be," he laughed. "All the women in my life like kissing her more than they like kissing me."

"Mercedes seemed to like kissing you just fine," Quinn said bitterly unable to hold her tongue.

Sam's smile dropped as he looked at her, his green eyes unreadable before he turned away.

"I'm gonna go. Catch you later Puck," Sam said over his shoulder as he walked away.

"What's got into him? Never mind oh my God Quinn it's so good to see you, finally free. Give me a hug," he said encircling her with his arms. Quinn nestled into his shoulder, squeezing herself against his hard muscular frame, trying to infuse some of his strength into herself. "Hey," he said softly, pulling back from their embrace. "Those better be tears of joy."

Puck wiped at the tears on Quinn's cheeks. Crying had become so second nature to her now, she hadn't even realized she was doing it, so openly, in the brightly lit room.

Quinn sniffled and pushed her hair out of her eyes. "They're not. I messed up Puck."

"I was wondering what you were doing here," said Puck moving back over to the bar to retrieve his glass. "If CPS catches you near Beth…"

Child Protective Services should have been on her mind, but they weren't, not when it felt like there were even bigger threats looming.

"Not because of that," Quinn interrupted with a loud sigh. "I messed up with Sam."

"What happened?"

"I didn't tell him I was with Mike and now he hates me," she blurted in a childlike whine, moving head first into Puck's chest.

Puck wrapped his free arm around her, resting his chin on the top of her head. "I can't believe he'd hold that against you. You and Mike were just a blip."

She snuggled in closer, hugging him around the waist. Relishing the safety of Puck's arms, Quinn let out a breath releasing some of her tension. The comforting touch of Puck, never had that changed, even during their worst days. He still could give her a smile and lift her spirits, hug her tight and make her actually believe that everything would be all right. As far as ex-fiancées went, Puck was the best, though she only had Mike to compare him to, but still Quinn knew a good thing when she saw one. And Puck definitely was a good thing, even if they weren't a couple any longer.

"He says he doesn't care about Mike, he's mad that I lied to him," Quinn explained, tears welling up once again. It was beyond ridiculous that she was crying over a relationship she never even cared about, but here she was 2 years later crying because of Mike.

Quinn felt Puck nod, though she didn't lift her head from his chest to see. "I almost let that info slip earlier tonight, but I caught myself. I wasn't sure if that was on the do not tell list."

She was sure she looked like a mess, holding onto Puck like a life preserver in the midst of what was supposed to be a happy event. Sam probably wouldn't be pleased if he caught sight of her like this. He had always had this rivalry with Puck, even now Quinn detected hints of old wounds not quite healed. Puck wasn't a romantic factor in her life anymore, but for Sam it didn't seem to matter. Maybe it was because it was still 2011 for him and in his mind she was recently broken up with Puck and back in Lima. Quinn needed to reassure Sam that he had nothing to worry about on that front, if she ever got the chance. As of now, avoidance seemed to be his only means of communicating with her.

"It was unofficially. I was worried how he would take it."

"Me too honestly. Mercedes would kill me if Sam passed out on my watch. I'm surprised you're still breathing since he passed out on yours."

Puck gave her shoulder a tight squeeze and pressed his lips against the top of her head, before stepping away, to lean back against the bar. Quinn wrapped her arms around herself, feeling suddenly exposed and embarrassed about how needy she must seem. Even Puck had to flee her, and he was the king of hug giving.

"You heard about that?" Quinn asked rubbing her bare arms.

"The whole family knows. Scary stuff. Sue was a basket case when she came down earlier looking for help."

"It felt like we were losing him all over again. One minute we were happy and things were so good and the next I had him in my arms unconscious."

Quinn had always heard that in moments of crisis and fear, true emotions come out. Seeing Sam on the floor unresponsive, had been such a moment for her. It had done something to her, seeing him not moving with blood on his face, worse than seeing him in a coma in some ways, because this time she was honest with herself and with him about how she felt. This time she was the one losing him, it felt more real, closer to home. The man she loved could leave her life and it scared her, literally caused a burning sensation in her lungs, making it hard to breathe. Is that what truly loving someone felt like? Like his life force was somehow linked with her own and his pain was her pain, and his breaths were hers?

Quinn had watched Mercedes a few times while Sam was in a coma, in his bed, arms wrapped around him, her head on his chest, as if she were listening to the sounds of his heart, or maybe listening to him breathe. It had almost looked like a romantic embrace, if it weren't for all the tubes and the machines and Sam's parted lips and still as marble face. Now Quinn knew what Mercedes must have felt then, the need to be close to Sam, to keep feeling his signs of life.

"I'm sure that was hard for you to handle honey." He ran his hand down the side of her head, his murky hazel eyes filled with concern. Quinn could tell Puck had been drinking steadily, his speech was slower, his movements more deliberate, as if he were focusing all his energy on looking sober. "Especially since you just got out of the hospital yourself. How are you? Being here? Being free? Seeing that?" he asked in a barrage of questions.

"I'm fine Puck or I will be," she said as she wiped her tears. "Once I make things right with Sam."

"I wouldn't worry he'll calm down and come back throwing apologies," Puck said dismissively. "You know how he is."

Quinn's lower lip trembled as she shook her head. "I'm a hateful, disgusting person. I'm the one that should be apologizing."

A sob escaped her throat as she reached for the bar for stability, a rush of emotions overtaking her. Too much, too soon, it was more than she could handle, and she was starting to fear that a break was imminent. The sensible thing to do would be to find Dr. Hill and get some help with all of this. Maybe her doctor could help her wade through all her feelings and help clear the clouds that had formed in her mind, but she was hesitant to do so. What if Dr. Hill recommended she go back to the hospital? What if Dr. Hill upped her prescription and she ended up living in a haze feeling nothing at all? Quinn desperately wanted to stay free and to get well, but she was scared of what it might take to accomplish that.

Taking deep breaths she willed her mind to focus on things she could control, like making things right with Sam. One conversation was all they needed, she was sure of it. She just needed him to stop and talk to her, instead of running away. She had almost managed to calm herself down, feeling confident that once she spoke to Sam all would be right again, when those other thoughts reemerged in her head, the ones that poked holes in her sanity with each appearance. The thoughts that whispered that what she wanted was wrong, and that she was standing in the way of Sam's happiness, because deep down she knew that Sam's love came at price potentially too high to pay.

"Quinn calm down, you were looking out for his health, Sam will get that. Trust me."

"That's not why I'm disgusting," she said looking at Puck's drink longingly, being numbed by alcohol seemed so appealing right now.

"It's not?" Puck asked leaning next to her at the bar.

"No I'm so ashamed of how I feel right now." She was a terrible friend and an awful human being. Quinn continued to mentally lash herself whenever a jealous thought popped into her head.

"You lost me."

"Sam and Mercedes seem like they're getting along better don't they?"

"I'll say, after that kiss, I'm thinking a reunion won't be long and oh..oh…that's what this is about? You and Sam." A hurt look surfaced on his face, but he quickly covered with another sip from his glass.

"Yeah me and Sam. And all that I shouldn't want."

It didn't seem fair that things had to be like this, that she had to feel guilty for simply loving someone. Wanting Puck while being with Mike didn't hurt as badly as this, and at the time that situation felt like torture. But to feel so much for Sam, knowing he felt the same for her, and not being able to express that love openly or even in private, was like a weight on Quinn's chest, pressing down each time she saw that ring on his finger. Puck had been free, even if she hadn't been. He had been willing to take a chance with her and run away or stay and fight, whichever, if she wanted. It was Quinn that chose to stay with Mike, to commit herself to a life with a man she only half loved.

Things were different now, Sam wasn't able to run or fight, he was forced to stick it out in his marriage, all to save her, to keep her free. Such cruel irony, to need him to stay married, all the while hating that he was. Quinn thought she could handle it. Any means necessary is what she had told him in the nursery, but watching him perform those means had taken a toll. Maybe if they were in a better place with each other, if he would look her in the eye, or even speak to her, then it wouldn't be so hard, but this standing on the sidelines watching him get cozy with another woman when he seemed to hold her in such contempt was unbearable. If Dwight were here he'd be so pleased at how much pain his twisted little plot was actually causing.

"So I take it the happy you were talking about earlier was Sam telling you he wants it all too?"

"We could have everything," she smiled a little, losing herself in all that could be with Sam. "We're so close to it Puck, if not for…"

"For the fact he's married, the fact that he has psychological amnesia, the fact that he's married?"

Disappointment was evident in Puck's tone. He expected more from her than this, which made sense, because she expected more of herself. Never could she have imagined that she would be stuck in this place where she loved Sam and wanted him for herself all while feeling totally guilty about coming between him and his wife. The plan was to suffer in silence, to continue loving Sam from afar as she had for the past year, but having him wake up while holding her hand did something to Quinn. It made her question all that she had previously believed. All the signs were for her to be with Sam now and he completely agreed, but still the guilt nibbled at her insides.

"You said married twice."

"It bears repeating. Remember Sam and Mercedes, our friends, we were both at their wedding. Remember Sam grinning like the Cheshire cat?"

"Yeah I do. He was so happy, but I left early I didn't see all the rest."

Her world began to unravel that day. She left his wedding, heading straight to the hospital when she started feeling ill, fearing her baby was in danger, only to be told there was no baby at all. After Quinn found the courage to tell Puck about the baby she miscarried and the baby she mentally created to take its place, he never looked at her the same, there was always a hint of pity in his eyes, and maybe a bit of disappointment that he was now stuck with a defective fiancé, someone so broken that she could manufacture a pregnancy in her mind. Looking back on it now, she could see it was the beginning of the end for them, and ironically it might have been the beginning of the end for Sam's marriage as well. He too had manufactured something in his mind, the image of a perfect wife that wanted him and only him, never knowing that his bride had been consorting to run away with someone else that very day.

They had talked about it once at the Beacon, the crazy ways their lives seemed to sync up. Of course, Sam wasn't willing to admit that his marriage to Mercedes was sinking before it even began, Sam always held fast to the power of the love he shared with Mercedes, but he did admit that bad things did seem to lasso them together. Quinn wondered if now the reverse could be true, since he woke up to her voice, and they had their precious Beth together, that maybe now good was binding them instead of bad. Quinn desperately needed that to be true, because she was so tired of the bad things that seemed to always fall on her.

"Well let me give you a recap. They said 'I do' and made it official."

"Why are you being so harsh? I can't help how I feel about him."

"I know you can't help it, you never can help it, but maybe you can nip it in the bud. I don't want to see you hurt by this. You have enough to deal with." Puck rubbed her back and Quinn hated how much she loved the contact.

He was acting like she had a scarlet A stamped on her face, and instead of telling him off she was letting him touch her. Disgusted with herself, she moved away, feeling instantly better, like she'd escaped the clutches of the enemy.

"Sam's not going to hurt me," Quinn insisted.

She wished everyone would stop saying that, like she was a poor pitiful mouse that didn't know her own mind or how to protect her heart. Quinn had been around, she'd experienced enough in her life to know when a man was being sincere, to read past the shaded eyes, and fancy words to see his true nature. She knew Sam, completely, since they were kids. Once Sam let her in, he never hid from her, always revealing his heart. That's how Quinn knew that the lies about Mike were killing him. It was in all he didn't say. And it was that same knowledge that made her believe he would never hurt her. She could trust him with her heart, if he still wanted it after all this.

There was that once though, that Sam had been a true source of pain. It was when he was dating Penny while sleeping with her. Quinn had been blindsided, never thinking it possible that Sam could betray and deceive her in such a way. Although, they had not agreed to be together exclusively, opting for a casual relationship while they nursed their broken hearts, Quinn thought their past and obvious feelings for each other were enough to make it understood that nothing between them would ever be truly casual.

"How did seeing him kiss Cede make you feel?" asked Puck peering at her over the rim of his glass.

Quinn did the acting job of her life, using her experience on stage to hide how she really felt from Puck. He didn't need to know that she was ill from seeing that kiss. The last thing she wanted was to give him another reason to tear into her.

"He's doing what he has to do," Quinn said flatly.

A small part of her wanted to blurt out about Dwight and his hideous deal, but she knew that would be the wrong move. Puck would never be able to keep something like that from Mercedes, and her freedom would be gone for sure. Still she couldn't help but want to reveal the plan, to help explain Sam's actions, so that Puck, and maybe everyone else would know that this was all just an act, he didn't really want to be with Mercedes.

"What's that mean?" asked Puck with a short burst of laughter. "Is someone holding a gun to his head forcing him to be all over his wife?"

"He wasn't all over her, it was one little kiss," Quinn said glaring at him, her defenses on high.

Is that how Puck really saw things? That Sam was making a public display with Mercedes? It was a nothing little kiss, something married people do all the time, there weren't any feelings or lust behind it. It was just lips pressed together for a brief period. Now that she had some time to calm down and clearly interpret what she had seen, she knew that was simply all it was.

"Actually it was a huge kiss and tons of little ones. People were yelling out for them to get a room."

"People are drunk and dumb. That kiss was not a big deal." And people needed to get a life, Quinn mentally added. Why were they standing around watching two people kiss? There was a party in full swing, and that pulled their attention? Of course Quinn could ask herself the same question, since she too was witness to that kiss, but at least she had a reason for watching, she was checking out Sam's progress, ensuring that the plan was still in motion, and Sam was getting Mercedes to warm to him. "Sam was just being nice. He's trying to be a good husband tonight in appreciation for her throwing him the party."

"Oh so it was a pity kiss?" Puck raised his eyebrows, then his glass, masking his amusement.

"That's a good way to look at it, a pity kiss, nothing like the one we shared all deep and consuming, toe curling, never want it to end type of kiss."

Wandering through the party still stunned by Sam's coldness, twisting the end of her hair as she walked, so completely lost in her thoughts that she had almost missed it. Misfortune was her shadow because she looked up just in time to see Sam pull Mercedes onto his lap and run his hand through her hair. Quinn's first instinct was to turn away. Sam was getting friendly with Mercedes to keep up his father's deal, and Quinn didn't need to watch his every move in making that happen. Suddenly everything felt like slow motion and she couldn't move something was holding her there forcing her to watch it all play out. From her spot she could see it all perfectly, the way he looked at Mercedes as he moved her closer to him, he studied her face, then dropped his eyes to her lips. He had kissed her quickly, taking her by surprise, forgoing the teasing pecks and going straight for full lip contact. Mercedes was the one that deepened the kiss, opening herself to him, and Sam didn't hesitate to fill her mouth completely. Quinn's stomach churned as she watched horrified from a few feet away. The kiss was endless, tongues and lips, and he was touching her more than should have been allowed in a room full of people, her thighs, her back, her hair.

"Look away" her mind was screaming, but she couldn't, like a deer facing headlights she was stuck to her spot. She had to know if this kiss compared to the one that Sam had given her earlier that evening in the nursery. Ticking off boxes in her head, comparing his technique with Mercedes with how he had kissed her. It was morbid and a bit insane but Quinn needed to prove to herself that he was just acting, and all this was for show, to get Mercedes to cooperate, to keep up appearances, that no feelings were involved in the kiss, it wasn't passionate like the one they shared, it was just mouths touching. Finally it ended and Quinn exhaled. She had survived and she felt confident that the kiss was meaningless, and she had nothing to fear. Then he kissed her again, and Quinn rocked on her heels, bending slightly at the waist, feeling physically punched by his actions, because she had seen him kiss Mercedes like that before, intense and consuming, oblivious to the eyes around them.

In the middle of the hospital, Quinn had just finished her volunteer shift in the pediatric wing, and she was coming around the corner when she saw Sam grab Mercedes, surprising her with a huge kiss right at the nurses' station. He had kissed her hard, bending her back against his arm, smiling against her mouth as he intensified the kiss. Quinn had seen Sam kiss women before, she was used to his at times openly affectionate nature, so seeing him with Mercedes was no different, until he kissed her again. That was the difference, second kisses meant wanting more, meant needing to get closer, they held a promise of intimacy to come. Quinn had felt as if she were intruding when she saw them kiss at the hospital that day once the second kiss was underway. She had backed herself out of the area, slightly embarrassed she had seen such a personal display.

Tonight was no different, she felt like she was witnessing an intimate moment. There was no denying the passion in the second kiss, and the skilled knowledge he seemed to have of her body, kissing her like he had done it so many times before. Maybe this was his memory breaking through, but somehow Quinn doubted it. This passion stemmed from a more recent source, from the time Sam spent at the hospital with his nurse. Quinn now was certain that Sam had been downplaying his attraction to Mercedes, and that he more than likely had slept with her at the hospital.

"I see nipping it in the bud is out of the question. My instincts were right about you all along. You want Sam." Puck looked a little queasy. He probably was feeling as disgusted by her as she was.

"I told you I was horrible, I should be happy he's with Mercedes, praying he gets his memory back because she was all he wanted before the crash." Jealousy burned and she felt wretched wanting him when he used to want Mercedes so much, and yet watching that kiss made her even more sure about how she felt. Right or wrong she wanted her shot with him, her chance to love him again, completely this time, the way she had been scared to before. Nine months couldn't pass fast enough, so Sam could be free to follow his heart. "But you know what the crash happened and he woke up wanting me and I can't ignore that. I'm not going to stand here and let you judge me."

Brushing past Puck, tears blurring her vision, she headed toward the closest door she could find, anything to get away from him.

She heard Puck yelling from behind as he followed her down the hall. "Quinn wait, don't go in there."

"Leave me alone Puck!" She pushed through the door eager to drown out the sound of Puck's judgment, then everything went silent only the dull thump of the music down the hall filled the room.

Like a swarm of killer bees they pounced, rushing at her in unison, microphones out, cameras flashing.

"Miss Fabray. Miss Fabray! Can you answer a few questions? How does it feel to be back? How did you get free? Did the judge give you back your daughter? Is it true you're having an affair with Sam Evans?"

Quinn gulped audibly, backing toward the door she had just entered, but it was too late. She was surrounded.