There is some alcohol consumption and mention of child abuse in this chapter. It's very mild but just to be safe I'm warning you now. Hard T, soft M rating. You can decide.

Disclaimer: still doesn't need saying. But that's because I'm in denial. :P

Chapter 3-

By this time I have absentmindedly picked up a marker. I pull off the cap and write on the board. D-A-L-E-K.

The room is extremely quiet. I turn to see everyone holding their breathe. Rose looks intently at it and then at me. "Are you sure?" I nod. "Yes. I'm sure." Mickey is the next to shake himself from the shock. "But how? The Doctor said he was going to suck them into the void. Rose nearly died."

I clench my teeth and sit down. "The cult of Skaro escaped the battle of Canary Wharf and ended up in the 1930s. Dalek Sec spliced his DNA with a humans and learned emotion. The other three killed him and the Doctor managed to end two of them. But Dalek Caan escaped and ended up saving the Dalek father from the middle of the time war. He began rebuilding and now his new race of death machine squids are building a weapon that will exterminate every atom from every universe except themselves. Even time will cease to exists if we don't stop them."

"Well," Jake says brightly. "Just another day at Torchwood." Pete nods grimly. "Indeed." Rose looks at me. "So how do I get back?" I smile. This is where things are going to get interesting. "We're gonna shoot you out of a cannon." They all look at me with a slack jawed look. "What?" "You heard me. We are going to use a dimension cannon to poke holes in the dimensional wall so that we can slingshot you into other worlds."

Mickey looks agast. "We're gonna purposefully breakdown the only thing between us and worlds possibly worse than ours? The only thing that is keeping our reality intact?" I clench my teeth. "Your world isn't intact. If I'm here and the stars are going out that means that the wall is already fracturing. If we do nothing we buy a little time but if we do this we have a chance of stopping it completely. Take your pick."

"But.." "That's enough Mickey." Pete has a look of set determination on his face. "Rose, you and Mickey can brief the people you think would be good to work on this. Jake, you can take Jane around. Show her the lab, get her some clothes that fit whatever she needs." "Boss I'm not a babysitter." "Just do as I say." There was no room for argument in that. Jake still didn't look happy but there's nothing he can do about it.

We all sit there awhile longer. Me answering what feels like the same set of questions over and over again. I avoid answering what I can, and by the end of those couple hours they know as much as I think safe to tell them. It mine as we'll be everything. But I won't give away the future. I can't. I won't.

When we finish, Pete leaves while typing away on a handheld device. He is a busy man. Rose and Mickey follow suit with Jake on their heels. I continue to sit here. Everything is happening so fast and yet it's as if an eternity has passed. Jake looks back in at me. "You comin or not?" I look up at him. "Yeah." I follow him blindly out of the building and to a car.

He drives us to some sort of shopping district. It doesn't take us long to get there. I don't pay attention to what the store is. I just follow wherever he is leading me. I've no desire to care. I don't notice when he stops and I bump into him. "Watch it." "Sorry." He sighs. "You look lost." I can't help the look I give him. How could he ask that question after knowing everything I just told him and the others about the void? "You're right. That's a dumb thing to say. Why don't you just pick out some things to wear that fit you properly." He gestures to the selection in front of me.

I go through without much of an opinion. I end up just getting myself some extra underthings, a pair of jeans, a couple of tee shirts, and some pajama shorts. He tries to talk me into getting a jacket that's in better shape but I don't want to part with my hoodie. Something about it is far too comforting to part with. I realize that it has become my armor. My leather jacket, my pinstripe suit. I start to try explaining but I stop myself. I don't really see the point. He probably doesn't actually care anyway.

Before we leave I stop him. "Do you think we could get me some art supplies. Rose said it would be good for me to get a hobby." "Yeah. Right. This way then." We get me a good sketch pad and some pencils. I also talk him into getting me some charcoal. I haven't drawn anything since my parents divorced three years ago but I use to be good. Maybe I can find my way back to it.

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

Jake dropped me off at Rose's apartment long before she gets back. When she does she finds me on the couch scribbling away. I'd forgotten how much drawing could make me lose track of time. "Find something to do then?" I look up from a sketch of my childhood home. "Yeah actually. I use to draw all the time but...life happened I guess. Get a lot done?" "We did actually. We have a couple of scientists who came up with some schematics. Your canon just might work."

"Of course it will. It already has remember?" "For you yes. But this world is different." I sigh. "Yeah. Can't argue with that." She kicks off her shoes and gets herself more comfortable. "I could use a drink. Want one?" I've never actually been too fond of alcohol, but tonight I could use one too. So I nod for her to bring me one.

She comes back and hands me a glass of scotch and curls up on the opposite side of the couch from me. We sit there nursing our drinks slowly without a word. Neither of us needs to talk and we don't want to either. So the clock ticks by and I lose count of my sips. We have two drinks each before finally putting the glasses in the sink.

"I still get nightmares." I look at her and see that it's more than she's told anyone else. I don't want this to turn into something about me right now. She doesn't need that and neither do I. So I don't try to turn it into that at all. "Everyone gets nightmares Rose." "I know. But it's never about the monsters. I could handle it if it was just Daleks or cybermen or even that stupid black hole but it's not. It's always him. Walking away. Forgetting me. I want him to find someone I do. He shouldn't travel alone but what if they never know me? What if I'm just another Sarah Jane?"

By this time she's crying and so am I. "No. Not you. He told you that. He almost said it then. That he loved you, but he was scared. He doesn't forget you. You, are brilliant. You saved him so many times and in so many ways after the war. He'd be the last to admit it. How could the last of the time lords rely so much on a stupid ape? But he did. And he does. He needs you. I don't think he would have realized how much unless he lost you."

"The beast said that I was the valiant child who would die in battle. At first I thought I was truly gonna die. And then the Doctor said I was on the list of the dead. Now... I feel dead. Like I'm a shell of myself walking around. I didn't think I'd survive being without him. I've become harsh. I don't need him and yet I do at the same time. Maybe that's how it is for him too." "Maybe. But you won't know till see him. And you will see him Rose. You'll get back. Do you believe me?"

She studies me before she answers. "Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't but I do." She wipes the tears away and I do the same. "Look at us. We're both a right mess aren't we?" I let out a mirthless laugh. "Yeah we are. A couple of broken girls from broken worlds."

When we finally get ready to go to sleep neither of us want to be alone. With some sort of silent agreement we both lie down on "my" bed. We stare at the ceiling and take comfort that we aren't alone. It's enough. At least for right now.

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

Time passes slowly. More slowly than I've ever realized. Maybe time passes differently here or maybe I'm just more aware of it now. Day after day it all just ticks by leaving me feeling like I'm standing still. It's how I come to realize why the Doctor is always running. It's why he dreads the slow path. If you can move faster, you can stay ahead of the pain so it doesn't consume you.

It does consume me. But no one ever sees it. Except Rose, and even then only rarely. We fall into a pattern together. Leaning on someone who understands the similar feelings of loss and despair. We wake up early everyday and eat a breakfast she makes. Some days it tastes better than others but I would never dare say a word.

We go to Torchwood after that. There is always something needed to be done. I try to answer all the questions asked of me in the best way I can. A few weeks in, Jake shows up at Rose's office which I spend more time in than she does. I answer all the questions I can and I do some paperwork that Pete gives me so I feel like I'm always useful.

When Jake comes he brings all the documents I'll need to exists in this world. A passport and work ID, as well as a birth certificate. There's some files too. Files that explain the reason I appeared out of no where is because I was part of the Preacher operation. I was in deep cover leading up to and during the cyber invasion. All pre existing records for me before that have been destroyed. That's the official story anyway. Jake has more work to do so after I skim my official file he takes it away to archived and uploaded to the database.

I look at my work ID first. I don't have total clearance but I never expected to. I have access to research operations and the alien tech department only. Science, engineering, public relations, and a host of other things are off limits. My photo on the ID is decent enough. My face looks a little hollow and I look ragged all around but it doesn't really matter. I don't care what I look like in a photograph or in person. The name on it is the thing that really stands out to me. Jane Ryder. The name I picked when Jake asked me for one.

Rose asks me if she can see it and I hand it to her. "Why Jane Ryder?" I look at her confused. "What do you mean?" "It's not your real name. Jane I understand. It's simple and common. But why Ryder? It's not common at all." I bite my lip deciding what to say about it. The truth is that I didn't really have to think all that hard. It was name that had been on my mind for a long time. Since even before I came back to a place with light. There really isn't a reason not to explain this, so why not?

"There was a boy I knew once. He didn't it have it easy. His mom died when he was young and his dad was a drunk. Everyone knew that his bruises came from his old man but without an admission from him no one could prove it. So no one could do anything about it." I can feel that Rose is paying close attention to this story. It's the most insight into my past that I've given all at once. But I don't think about that. I just keep talking.

"I remember this boy in school. He was always so quiet. He was smart too. Got good grades and his presentations were always interesting. I think he would have made it far in life. Except he didn't. One day he didn't come to school. Unusual since he stayed out of his house as much as possible. But he didn't come the next day either. They found him a while later. Sitting in his car, an empty pill bottle on the floor, and the classical music station still playing through the speakers. There was a note on the passenger seat. 'Im sorry I was such a coward, but I'm not strong enough for this anymore. I'm tired of fighting. So I'm giving up.' There's more but that's what stuck with me."

I take in a shaky breath before continuing. "His name was Ryder Jenkins." I make eye contact with Rose at this point and I can see how sad my story has made her. "I picked the name Ryder as a reminder. A reminder that giving up should never be an option. I almost forgot that. I wanted to give up. I still do sometimes. But that day I found out that he killed himself...I told myself that it would be the one promise I wouldn't allow to be broken. That I wouldn't give up. Even though my parents divorced, even though my mom can't keep still and my dad is always working. Even though life happened. But that's the point. It's still life."

We stand looking at each other for a bit before she hands the card back to me. "Well then." She smiles at me. "It's nice to meet you Jane Ryder." I smile back at her for that. She's just accepting it as my name now. And everyone else does too. It isn't long before my co workers begin recognising me. Jane Ryder, the woman who survived the void, the woman from the dark.

They see me as their savior but it will be Rose is the end. Just as it was Ryder. He may have called himself a coward and maybe he was. But his dad got sober after that. It was his wake up call. A call that I need now. I suppose taking his name as my own is my way of making myself stronger, but it's also my way of honoring him. It's easier that way. I'd forget him otherwise. There's a lot I just want to forget. And a lot I want to remember too, but can't.

I want to forget that I'll never go home again. But it's always nagging the back of my mind. I want to remember my mother's face and my fathers voice but as the days slowly pass those things slowly fade to less than an idea. A memory of a memory, like a faded photograph that tells you you were there but you don't remember beyond the picture itself. Yet pictures fade and wrinkle. But this is a picture I'm determined to keep. I just have to take this one day at a time.