Chapter 5-
One hundred days. That is how long it has been. From the day I got here until now it has been one hundred days. One hundred days of the same thing. I get up, go to work, answer questions, test the cannon, do paperwork, come back to the flat I won't call home, eat take away with Rose and then go to bed.
This is what my existence has been reduced to but it's more than it was one hundred days ago. Truly though it's the days long before that that I miss. The days of school and homework and playing cards with my old man, speaking with my mom on the phone in the middle of the night because she forgot the time difference.
This one hundredth day starts like any other. Without ceremony, marked only by the fresh tears that run down my face. But as always, i wipe them away and soldier on. But even though the day starts the same, as it progresses it becomes apparent that it will become a particularly bad day.
At work, Pete seems to be stressed with everything going on. And it doesn't help that Tony has a flu. Mickey is just plain cranky from over work and Jake isn't much better. Rose is increasingly getting on my nerves. I liked her on the show. I did. She was real to me, probably because she was the first companion I knew. I never understood why some people hated her. But now I totally get it.
Her love for the doctor now seems borderline obsessive to me. Though I do understand it to an extent, living with her is getting on my nerves. Today she seems particularly bad. Or maybe it's just me. One hundred days. I've been living with her for one hundred days and we have had little arguments. All roommates do. She has the annoying habit of leaving her make up out on the bathroom counter. And she hates the fact that I get charcoal everywhere when I draw with it but I don't actually care.
Today, I'm just fuming. It's too hot outside and too cold inside. People are talking way too loud and I can't hear myself think. I snip at everyone but really can't bring myself to care. But it just escalates all day. And then Rose left work early because she was too "distracted."
I get home to find her crying on the couch. "What's wrong Rose?" I say it with an exasperated tone but seriously. I had a sucky day too. Am I crying? "Nothing, it's just. I miss him you know. And the cannon still isn't working. One of the technicians got burned today." "Is he alright?" I ask because it's polite. "He'll be fine."
A new burst of tears comes out. I set my things down and then I just can't take it anymore so I rage on her. "Why the hell are you crying about it? You said he's going to be fine." Her tears start showing anger but I cut her off before she gets indignant. "And if this is just about the doctor I don't bloody care. We're working on it. You get back. Happy ever after, the end. And you're sitting here with running mascara because you haven't seen him in awhile. Grow up Rose! You don't really need him you know. He's just a guy. An extraordinary one but that changes nothing. You're getting worked up over him and putting him up on a pedestal that his ego certainly doesn't need. Not to mention what he does for yours. I don't think you love him, you don't know the meaning of the word, you just are hopelessly and obsessively sick over a man who is centuries older than you!"
"How dare you!" Rose Tyler stands in her righteous fury and gets in my face and I get right back in hers. "How dare you say that I don't love him. I've given everything for him! I've been willing to die for him more than once, and I still am! That man deserves someone who can just be there and I was and I want to be. Not because he's good for my ego." She's practically spitting in my face and I'm reminded of the wolf for which she was named, growling and snapping at its enemy. And she keeps going.
"I've lost everything Jane. My home and the man I love and I'm doing everything I can to get back but I'm only human so excuse me if I have to cry over it from time to time!" This is just rich and I can't help how I explode over this. "YOU'VE LOST EVERYTHING!?" I start laughing. "You better look at who you're talking to before you start going to make claims like that."
"Look at you. You have a mom who loves you and a little brother who worships you. You gained a dad. A dad that you didn't have before but he doesn't love you any less. You have a nice flat, and a personal driver, and a best friend who loves you and is there for you during all of this. You lost the man you loved so what?!" At least she has the decently to look a little chastised but I'm on a roll now and have no intention of stopping.
"I would give anything to have just ONE person who knows me. One person who knows my real name, and understands why all of this is so horrible for me. I don't have my parents here. I will never see them again. Or my friends. Or the rest of my family. I'll never sleep in my own bed. There was a boy I sort of liked that I know liked me. But I'll never get that first date he promised me for when I got back to England. I spent what felt like years, alone in the dark. I have nothing from my past but the clothes I had on my back and the things that were in my pockets which really wasn't much. Don't talk talk to me about losing everything. I've lost everything. Even the doctor emerged from the time war with more. At least he had his TARDIS, his true home. I have nothing. All I've got is an ungrateful, self absorbed, love sick puppy for a roommate."
I stand there looking at her, with heavy breath after my speech. And I feel empowered by the fact that she looks hurt and defeated. But I realize everything I had said and no matter how true it is I still feel mad at myself for saying it. The guilt and the exhaustion of realizing that I really do have nothing breaks me down, and I start sobbing.
It's the first time that I've cried for myself in front of anyone. Any other times that I've shown this weakness it has been for her pain, for these peoples pain. Not mine. I don't protest when she takes me into her arms. I curl up on her on the couch and I cry like a child as she strokes my hair. I know she's saying she's sorry and that I'm right but I don't really hear the words themselves. It's more like I can feel their meaning.
DWDWDWDWDW DWDWDWDWDW
Jane's words hit Rose like a freight train. It isn't until that moment that she realizes just how selfish she really has been. And when Jane falls apart in front of her she doesn't hesitate to bring her in and hold her. This girl who hasn't seemed so young until just now. This girl who has held her through her tears when all along she was the one with a real reason to cry.
"It's okay Jane. Shhh. Shhh. You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. So sorry. I have been so selfish and I've taken you for granted and taken advantage of you when all along you've been hurting so much inside. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. It's okay. You're okay." She murmurs to her whole she rocks her back and forth letting Jane cry herself out.
Eventually Jane falls asleep and Rose doesn't have the strength to move her or the heart to wake her to go to bed. So she maneuvers them into the most comfortable position she can and falls asleep too.
DWDWDWDWDW DWDWDWDWDW
Over the next little while i feel much better. And Rose is better too. The complaints and the pinning stop. Rose becomes more interested in my past but we still stay away from anything too deep. I can't risk telling her something I shouldn't.
It doesn't get easier exactly but I begin to feel a little more relaxed. It's far from comfortable but I doubt that I'll ever be comfortable here. Or anywhere ever again. I'm always going to feel lonely and out of place but I'm thankful I'm here.
After my speech to Rose about how she should be grateful for what she does have I start trying to do the same. I'm still alive. Which is always a plus. I'm in a universe that I at least semi-know. It could've been a lot worse. I could've ended up in a zombie apocalyptic world. I shutter at the thought of that. I was never one for straight up horror movies. The Blink episode is about as close to horror I will get.
I'm thankful that I even landed at all. I could've been trapped in the void forever. I may have died in there eventually or maybe my original guess is right and I never would have aged or anything. Just been there for eternity. I'm still sane. Or at least as sane as one can be after a traumatic plane crash, basically solitary confinement before ending up in a fictional world. Maybe I'm not sane at all actually but I don't think I'm that far out. Does an insane person know they're crazy? I'm pretty sure someone would have told me if I was so I just count it as something to be glad about an move on.
I'm not alone here. I have a place to sleep, and food to eat, and tasks that keep my mind occupied. I've found a reason to live. Get Rose back to the Doctor. Make sure the story plays out properly. It's a purpose that gives me a direction to go.
So I prepare. There's not much I can do about the cannon anymore and paperwork isn't all that exciting so I open up my own secret project with Mickey's help. I tell him that there is a possibility that a man will have to come here from the other universe so that he can recover. I tell him that I can't give any more particulars than that.
He doesn't like it. He's suspicious but after I keep bothering about it he finally relents and gives me access to document software. With the meta crisis in mind I start building him a back story. I create a birth certificate with the name James Meta Nobel. I don't know if he'll like it or not but he can always have it legally changed when he gets here.
I do some research and find that during the Cyber War there was a Scottish village that was destroyed that no one knows the name of. There were no survivors. So I slowly learn how to hack computers and change information in the records. The town gets the name Gallifrey. But I leave the no survivors.
The story morphs until I get what I think he can work with well enough. James Meta Nobel, son of Christopher and Sarah Jane Nobel, lived in Gallifrey with his twin brother John Theta and his older sister Donna until the cybermen attacked.
He was the only survivor and joined the Preachers almost immediately in the aftermath to avenge his families death. He was pronounced dead with the rest to help protect him and the Preachers. When the war ended he continued to work as a ghost, tracking down and destroying all traces of cybermen resistance.
I set up this skeleton of a story so that it would be easy for him the full in the details. He and Rose could figure out how they met and all that stuff. James Nobel was now a man who once existed in this universe but died. But after the return to bad wolf bay he could be brought back with ease. If for some reason nothing went according to plan and my presence changes something (I don't know how it would) then James can simply stay a dead man who no one will miss.
With all that happening around me, time begins to move at what feels to be a more natural pace. Jake and Mickey warm up to me and the four of us, the boys and Rose and I, begin to bond into close friends. We train together and I learn how to defend myself with techniques I can't pronounce and weapons that shouldn't exist. The weapons make me just as uncomfortable as Rose but it is something to do, something to learn. And I become good enough at it to earn Mickey and Jake's repect.
That fight on my one hundredth day was so very needed. I'm glad it happened. It made Rose better and helped me gain closer friends than I've had in a long time. Maybe ever. And even though it's a bit of a lie to myself, I think it anyway. Everything's going to be fine. And when Rose tells me cheekily one day that she's always wanted a sister, I think that maybe some lies have a grain of truth to them.