Chapter 51

Mercedes stepped out onto the cement patio, her bare feet getting a shock against the cold ground. She had originally intended to retreat upstairs with Beth as her small scapegoat to explain her disappearing act. Not that many would notice her disappearance, the night was about Beth and Sam, as it should be, as she had wanted. Marcel ruined her plans however, whisking Beth from her arms and making off with her before Mercedes could utter a protest, leaving her standing at the foot of the stairs barefoot and lonely.

She had only been outside a few minutes when she heard footsteps behind her. She almost thought it was Finn, finally finding her after she had deserted him on the dance floor. It didn't seem right to have her arms around another man, holding him close, swaying in time with the music when she'd never gotten the chance to do it with the one person she longed to dance with the most.

They had talked about their missed wedding dance a number of times, especially when he was in the hospital healing from an infection. Mercedes would curl up beside him, nuzzled against his neck as he told her how they'd get their dance one day, how he couldn't wait for it, how much he thought about finally getting to hold her close and lose himself in her. Mercedes tried to make light of their loss, not wanting Sam to feel any regret in his decision to marry her, not even a regret as trivial as missing out on a dance, so she reminded him that just holding his hand was more than enough, sleeping by his side was perfect, they didn't need music, they were close enough already. Sam disagreed, stressing that rituals were important, and traditions were upheld for a reason, to honor relationships, to show respect, to ward off bad luck. His last point made her shudder, bad luck seemed already a shadow over their lives, maybe missing that dance had invited in their troubles. Silly thoughts really, Mercedes wasn't that superstitious, but she couldn't help but wonder if all the pain they had endured in their brief marriage was in part because they never had that dance.

Sam had wanted to dance tonight, probably because it looked good to the guests, helped give them an appearance of a happy couple. Sam was all about appearances once he took over at D&E, apparently that was something else he hadn't forgotten in the crash. She could tell Sam wanted to present himself as a loving husband, devoted father, and perfect son. He had been working hard all night to keep all those hats firmly on his head. And despite her flare up of stubbornness, Mercedes had wanted to help him juggle, after all she had managed to keep his image positive even while he was in a coma. She never spoke of divorce, if she addressed the subject of his affair with Quinn at all, she always stressed that forgiveness and working on their marriage were her top priorities. She spoke about their love and her hopes for the future whenever any media outlet was present.

Behind closed doors was a different story, she kept her true feelings private, even from her family and friends, never letting on the struggle within herself to forgive Sam, to live with the guilt that was tearing her apart, to maintain any hope that they could get beyond all this pain when he woke up. Now Mercedes realized she wasn't fooling anyone, everyone close to her and Sam knew that she was in love and staying that way, they all were just waiting for her to admit it out loud, giving her space until she accepted the inevitable. She was stuck with Sam Evans, and nothing seemed to be able to change that.

Arms surrounded her from behind as a jacket cloaked her shoulders, falling over her, still warm from his body, smelling like his cologne.

"What are you doing out here? It's freezing," said Sam, one hand on her shoulder and his chin on the crown of her head, comfortable, natural, as if everything were fine between them.

"I like it. It's peaceful." Mercedes let herself enjoy the pretense for a brief moment. She sunk back into his chest and willed herself to believe Sam was there because he wanted to be.

"I was waiting for you to come back," he said wrapping his arms around her. "You just up and left me."

Mercedes stiffened in his arms. "I'm shocked you even noticed I was gone, the way you were so engrossed in that video of Quinn." Thoughts returned about what happened between them, breaking through her wall of fabricated calm.

"I wasn't engrossed, I was interested. I was surprised she'd do something so public." Sam's body tensed. He was on the defense, prepping himself for any impending attacks.

"You must have been over the moon, when she called you the best man on the planet on national TV. Why aren't you with her now, giving her a thank you hug?" Mercedes stepped away from Sam, no longer able to bear being that close to him, not after what he'd done.

"I'm with you tonight," he said not meeting her eyes.

He looked even better without his jacket. The white of his shirt against his pale skin made his eyes gleam a brilliant green. He was breathtaking in the cold, licking his reddened lips and running his hands through his jagged hair, like a vampire form a romance novel, enticing and scary all at once.

"Oh so it's my turn with you. You're going to have to give me a schedule so I can keep track. Wouldn't want to encroach on any of Quinn's days."

She wanted to take a shot at him, to make his nostrils flare and his eyes darken with anger. She wanted to impact him, affect him, find a way to break through his indifference and get him to truly know how much all of this hurt. The cheating, the coma, the amnesia, Quinn, all of it.

"Mercedes, why are you being like this?" Sam asked taking a step forward, hesitating when she gave him a warning glance.

Tears burned in her eyes, hot and thick, blurring her vision. "Let's see. Do you know we were just all over each other?"

"Yeah I was there so…" he responded slowly.

"You had your hands up my dress, and I had my hands down your pants, literally. And then Quinn comes on the screen and it's like I'm a ghost. You shoved me aside so quick," she said angrily, her voice breaking as she fought for control of her emotions.

"I didn't do that. Come on." Sam shook his head in denial, a hint of a scowl on his face. He never did like to be called out on his misdeeds.

Her nose felt raw from her tears and the cold winter air. Tears fell into her mouth as they came faster than she could brush them away. "You shushed me! So you could hear her, you fucking bastard! We were about to have sex and you threw me over for Quinn."

A look of shock registered on Sam's face, but he quickly recovered. Sam always had an excuse at the ready. "That's not what happened. Santana…"

"Sam can you at least try to be straight with me? I deserve at least that much respect, since I no longer have your love."

Honesty was the one button she knew she could push to stop his excuses and manipulations. Ironic since Sam lied like breathing. It was instinctive to him, as it was for her. The ability to twist the truth to suit their needs was something they shared in common. At least it was until they decided to stop and give the truth a chance. Sam didn't remember their honesty pact now, but it didn't matter. A plea for the truth would affect him the same. He was gentleman at his core, tarnished and dented, but still buried deep within him was a noble soul. He might put up a fight, try to hold her off as long as he could, but ultimately he would not deny her request.

"What do you want me to say? I'm sorry if you mistook my actions. I just wanted to hear what Quinn was saying. It had nothing to do with us."

The word 'us' used to make her heart beat faster whenever he said it. The word made her feel connected, loved, like a partner. Now Mercedes knew that the word didn't hold the power, it was the fact that Sam had felt the meaning behind it, and every time he said it he verified and sealed their bond, renewed his commitment to their little family of two. The word 'us' was special, because they were special, brought together painfully but inevitably, to find a peace with each other. It was just a two letter word now, the accident had stolen all the beauty and meaning from it, just as it had stolen the same from their marriage.

"Us? There is no us. The cameras aren't rolling. There are no guests around. You can stop pretending you give a damn about our marriage."

It was all an act, this entire night orchestrated for someone else's benefit, definitely not her own. Mercedes hadn't quite figured out why Sam was trying so hard to play the role of super husband, she supposed it was to impress the media, get his reputation back on track. Not that being an Evans afforded him a spotless reputation, all of his exploits were documented and exposed, but there was still a few lines the Evans' didn't like to cross. Family was everything to them and no matter what suspicions were cast on the legalities of their business dealings, or what dirty laundry was aired, never were any rifts in the family exposed.

"Mercedes, don't be like this." Sam was invading her space and she was stuck. The empty pool and the large patio chaise blocked any easy exits. "Things were so good."

"Things were good for you," she said shaking him off, though she was unable to move away. "You must feel like a real stud, a woman on each arm, ready to please you."

"It's not like that. Tonight I've been all about you."

"Only because you don't want to talk to Quinn, so good ole Cede was here to lick your wounds and help you pick up the pieces. I am such an idiot. I honestly believed that some part of all this crap you were spewing tonight was real. That it wasn't just some elaborate con or you needing a shoulder to cry on."

"What do you want from me?" he asked stepping back, giving them both a bit more breathing room. "I'm human and you were in my lap. I'm not going to deny that I liked it." He let his eyes run over her body, slow and penetrating, making Mercedes feel uncomfortable under his gaze. Sam dropped his voice and stepped closer, breathing room gone as quickly as it came. "You're cute and sexy and I've seen you naked, so yeah I went there with you. And you were right there with me, no complaints." He pointed his finger at her, inches from her heart. "You wanted it too, so this is not all on me."

Was there ever a time when she didn't want Sam Evans? If she claimed there was, she was lying. Loving him, hating him, wanting him close, pushing him away, it was all the same to her heart and her body. There was this fire that always burned for him, usually a dull warmth that filled her belly, giving her reason to get up in the morning some days, others the reason she hid under the covers, but the fire never went out, and when he was in her presence, engaging her, touching her, doing anything to her, the flames intensified, igniting her all over.

Mercedes threw her shoulders back, determined to hold her own with him even when her stomach was turning over at his closeness. "You could've just found Quinn and fondled her. I'm sure she would have been eager to fulfill your needs. Or was it just an issue with proximity? I was the closest warm body so ding, ding, ding I get the prize of a joy ride with the great Sam Evans."

"Oh my God, do you ever think before you open your mouth? You just made what happened between us seem like a cheap roll in the hay."

She shrugged. "I just tell it like it is."

"No I think you downplay stuff as a means of protecting yourself. If you act like it didn't matter it would somehow hurt less." He looked proud of himself, like he'd found another piece of a puzzle.

"You should know all about that." She shot back. "Since you've been downplaying things with me since the hospital."

"I readily admit that. I try my best to stay on guard around you, but lately I've been failing at it miserably. If Quinn knew the truth about how I feel…" He shook his head as he let his thought die on his lips.

"Back to your top priority – Quinn Fabray!" If only she could turn him upside down and shake Quinn from his scrambled brain. His every thought was about her now.

"I have not denied I wanted Quinn since the moment I woke up. I was honest with you, I confided in you. You know how I feel."

Oh she knew in excruciating detail, enduring the tales of his missed chance with his true love when they were at the hospital. Mercedes had held her tongue, and tried to be supportive, even while each word was slicing through her. Sam wasn't himself she had reminded herself. He wasn't in his right mind, this was only temporary, time will heal this, all the lies she told herself to survive the changes in her husband. Now two months later, nothing had changed, in fact things were so much worse.

"Now that you've twisted the knife even deeper..."

"Stop playing the victim." Sam closed the gap between them, one more inch and there would be contact. It was almost worse to be this close to him without touching. Her breath caught in her throat as she waited for the moment when he'd move and his arm would brush against hers or he'd lean in and touch her hair. Every part of her was on edge waiting for him. "You know I want you, you've felt it, used it against me. You're not some little homely wallflower waiting for me to ask you to dance." She felt his breath against her cheek, warm and tingly in the bitter cold. This was it, she could feel the shift, the air between them filling with so many things unsaid. They wanted each other, it was intense and real, almost a living thing that existed between them. "You've got me right by the balls and I think you like having that power over me."

Mercedes narrowed her eyes at his accusation. "So I'm just a seductress and poor little Sammy is powerless under my spell?"

She felt trapped in her own skin, aching for him touch her and end her agony. He had all the power in this relationship, even if he didn't realize it. Mercedes would do anything for him, even as angry as she was, she couldn't deny it.

"There's no other explanation for why I should be so drawn to you, so attracted, and intrigued when I finally have Quinn back. There's no logical reason I should want you when I have her."

With an open palm, Mercedes smacked the side of Sam's head.

"Ow!" Sam recoiled, rubbing the spot she hit. "What the…"

"You're such an idiot. You know what the secret is? The magic?" She grabbed the collar of his shirt with both hands, pulling him down to her level. "It's that I love you and somewhere in that huge, thick, head of yours, you still love me. That's why you're drawn to me and you want me," she said as she let go of his shirt.

Sam stared at her, quiet for a few minutes. She could tell her words had penetrated but to what extent she didn't know.

Finally he spoke, slow and deliberate, like he were weighing each syllable. "Mercedes I know you want to believe that but…"

"Don't fight me Sam," she said cutting off his denial. "I'm begging you, please for once just let me in."

"I have let you in. You are in."

"No I'm not. Sam please…"

All her pride had disappeared somewhere between almost sleeping with Sam in the game lounge and this moment. She wanted her husband back. As infuriating and as screwed up as he was, she wanted him. This stuff with Quinn was tough, and it felt like far too much to handle, but then she thought about Sam dying in front of her, the agonizing minutes of CPR to bring him back, all the tubes, the monitors, the months of his coma, and Quinn was meaningless compared to all of that. She threaded her fingers through his, holding on tightly, as if this were the exact moment she could lose him for good, as if a strong grip on his hand would keep him with her, if he truly wanted to go.

"I can't." He shook his head. "I can't remember."

"You haven't even tried. You fired your doctor and surged ahead with this fantasy with Quinn that you created in your mind. Not once did you look back and think about your actual life with me."

Watery eyes and shaking palms, Sam grabbed her around the waist, clinging to her as he spoke. "Quinn is my actual life. She's the most real thing in my world. If I let myself remember you where will that leave her? Will my feelings for her just disappear? Will there be this huge void in my life I won't know how to fill?"

Mercedes put her hand on his cheek, stroking it gently with her thumb. It was too cold for him out here, he needed to be inside, safe and warm. Sam shivered against her, but Mercedes could tell it wasn't from the weather. He was actually scared at the thought of losing Quinn.

"There won't be any voids or holes. You'll have me. I'll always be here for you. I promised you in the car I'd stay by your side holding your hand, and when you were in the coma I told you I would never leave. And I meant that Sam. You wouldn't be alone or empty, you'd have me. Always."

"I don't even know who you are. Not really." Sam gave her a small smile, tilting his head, watching, straining to see her, even though she was inches away. He ran his fingers through her hair, along her face, tracing her lips, before clasping his hands on the small of her back, pulling her flush against him, his forehead falling against hers.

Taking a breath and closing her eyes, Mercedes tried to let it all out, all that was trapped inside her, all that she had been holding back. She wanted to give it to him now, so he'd know that no matter what he'd be okay, that he'd always have her.

"That pull you have toward me that you can't explain, what you've been feeling since you first saw me at the hospital, the reason why you're holding me so close right now, it's because you know me. I'm the one you love, the one you married. You can feel it Sam, I know you do. Just let me in." Silently she prayed it would be enough to calm his fears.

"Mercedes I'm sorry." He gripped her hips, fingers boring into her skin, the silk of her dress offering no protection. He stared upward, focused on the stars, his voice broke and his whole body trembled, but he continued to speak words that seemed to hurt them both. "If I remember you, I might lose Quinn, and I can't take that chance. I can't lose her."

Finally he looked at her.

Her Sam. So sad, yet so resolute.

She fought to free herself from his arms, listless pounding against his chest with her fists. Her heart wasn't in it, and Sam seemed determined not to let her go. He was choosing Quinn over her. The son of a bitch didn't even care about the life he had forgotten, all he wanted was the here and now with her. A rancid, bitter pill that Mercedes was desperate not to swallow. He just needed time, he's not in his right mind, this is only temporary, those lies from the hospital reemerged in her mind, calming her a bit with their false security. Mercedes relaxed in Sam's arms, allowing him to finally fold her into an embrace the way he had inexplicably seemed to have wanted to do.

Mercedes sobbed against his chest, hating that he was the one to hold her, to see her like this, devastated and covered in tears, and still there was nowhere else she'd rather be. This had to be some sort of sickness, a condition she caught and couldn't shake, needing the man that was hurting her was wrong on so many levels, yet it had always been this way for her. She wanted Sam's comfort even when he was the one pushing her away.