A.N.

Disclamier: Do not own

-Mello-

Fortified from the wine I had at dinner, I sighed as we entered my apartment turning to face Matt.

"I…." Dammit, why does this have to be so hard; I couldn't stop now though, Matt was looking at me expectantly.

"My first time to bottom…my first time to anything really…" I ran a hand though my hair to mask the shaking. He saw anyway and took it, holding my hand gently. "I gave my consent, but I thought he would be…He was a smooth talker, convinced me he would be gentle, it would be something to remember fondly…" Looking away I laughed bitterly "To this day I don't know if I was raped or not. He was so…violent. I had to be hospitalized. I was humiliated. I swore never again. So I'm sorry, but I can't give you that."

Damn those goggles, I can't see his eyes, can't see what he was thinking. I need to know…Please Matt, talk to me…

Instead I was wrapped in his arms. I found myself relaxing. If I could make myself bottom again, it would be for this man. Just…I couldn't, not today; not yet. I let out a startled noise grabbing his shirt as he picked me up.

"Have you ever hurt me?"

I looked up at him "Well, no, but…" He cut me off.

"Have I enjoyed it?"

"Yeah but.." I was cut off by a kiss this time as he set me to my feet in the bathroom.

"Let me try. Please. If it hurts, I'll stop. Trust me." The last bit was a plea. I looked at the floor.

"I do trust you."

"Not convincing when you tell the tile Mells." Shaking I turned the water on before pulling my shirt off.

"Mello?"

I gripped the marble counter to hide my shaking. "Y-you wanted to…" I cleared my throat, "wanted to try right?"

I jumped as Matt turned off the lights, the switch giving a sharp –crack-, before relaxing at the familiar glow of the candles I kept scattered about being lit. Everything was soft. The sound of the water, his touch… It was hard to be jumpy when he was so clearly….worshiping my body. I was suddenly self conscious. What have I done to deserve this; to deserve him? I leaned against him, chest to chest, skin to skin as he kissed my neck. I would probably be marked…that's what Photoshop is for though, right? As he pulled me into the bath I found my way between his legs. The bath was nothing new, but I was always the one being leaned against, never did I…. The kiss to my hair calmed me. I felt so…so out of character. I wasn't Mello. I was Mihael, and it scared the shit out of me. Matt was always able to get under my defenses; even more so now that we've been together awhile. I swear he knew me better than I knew myself.

Slowly I was turned to face him. Kneeling between his legs the shaking returned. I hesitantly leaned forward, pressing my lips to his. Matt ran a soothing hand down my spine. The kissing, the touches, were all familiar territory; I let myself fall into the motions; a comfortable well-practiced routine setting in. I tried not to tense as his hands strayed from my shoulders and back down to my ass. The shaking returned as his fingers teased my entrance, never entering; just touching. Kissing me as a distraction he pressed in the first one, causing me to whimper.

"Shhh." His lips trailed to my neck as the finger began to move. It didn't hurt, it felt…nice; but my brain was flipping though memories, ones filled with pain and a sob broke loose.

"Mello?"

"Don't stop." I hid my face in his neck "If you stop now…"

He was slow though the prep, more for me psychologically than physically; and finally was asking my final permission.

"Are you sure Mello? If you say yes and we do this…I can't take it back. You won't hate me in the morning will you?"

"Do it." Knees on either side of his hips, arms around his neck I was slowly lowered onto him. I hissed reflexively. Surprisingly it didn't hurt. There was a slow burn and a not unpleasant full feeling. He let me sit for a moment before slowly coaxing me to raising my hips, letting me have control, to set the pace. In a sense he was letting me "top". I kept the slow pace, until he encouraged me with a playful kiss, nipping my lip. I hesitated, but did so and fuck! He was right, it did feel nice. We continued playing in the tub until the water was cold and we both were spent from multiple rounds. When he complained about wanting to get out I just yawned laying my head on his shoulder and wrapping my legs around him. Ever accommodating he just grumbled as he lifted me and carried us both to bed. I fell asleep with him still inside me.