Chapter 53

A weight pressed against his chest as he stood in the cold overlooking his empty pool with Mercedes crying in his arms. The glimmer of starlight illuminated the tile bottom casting a spooky glow over the area. It seemed like a perfect backdrop for such a surreal moment, his wife in tears, cursing his name under her breath, still struggling to break free while holding him tighter at the same time. He should have been the one to walk away, to give her space, because he knew he was the reason for all of this, all of her pain.

He shouldn't have told her about Quinn and his feelings about his memory loss, he should have kept those thoughts buried deep, but his tongue got away from him, and something about Mercedes made him want to talk, to reveal himself. She provoked him with those eyes and her hopeful accusations about his forgotten feelings. Maybe Mercedes was right, maybe the man she married was somewhere still inside of him. It certainly was possible, but how to get to that part of himself, to let those feelings out, Sam didn't have a clue. When he closed his eyes and concentrated, putting all of his energy on remembering, something, anything, all he got was green. Beautiful green eyes on a face he could never forget, Quinn was all he could see.

"Please no more tears." She was killing him with all the pain. It was his birthday. He should be inside enjoying his party, catching up with friends and family, trying to find a way to talk to Quinn, instead he was trapped in the cold with her, caring far more than he should. "Mercedes, look at me." He tilted her head up by the chin, forcing her to meet his eyes. "Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay," she said miserably. "I thought there was something between us." She sniffled as she searched the words. "I thought I was more than just the woman you wanted to get into bed, but I see that was wrong. I really am nothing to you."

His chest tightened as he held her against him. Half of him wanted to comfort her to finally put a stop to those endless tears, and the other part of him was holding her there because he knew if he let her go, she would run. And Sam couldn't take the chance that he'd be able to catch her again, to get her to talk to him, to listen. Time was running out and if he didn't secure things with Mercedes, get her to try to make their marriage work, Quinn would be screwed.

"Don't say that. You aren't nothing. You could never be nothing. You kept me sane in the hospital. You held my hand, talked to me, when I was scared out of my mind because I lost this huge chunk of my life. I wouldn't have made it through that without you." Hugging her tighter, hoping she felt the truth in his words. No matter where life took him he would never forget all she had done to help him recover.

Sam let the soft strands of her hair fall through his fingers. The sensation relaxed him, calmed his crazy, conflicting emotions that stormed inside of him, just the touch of her hair and the warmth of her body pressed against his was enough to renew his confidence. He could do this. He could keep her with him and keep Quinn free.

"So what you feel is gratitude? I'm not buying it Sam. Gratitude doesn't make people jump into bed together."

"It can," he said weakly.

Arguing this would be impossible. He wanted her and she knew it. Sam kept his mouth shut hoping the subject would just peter out on its own.

"You're so full of it," she said pushing away, leaving him feeling cold to match her icy glare. "You just admitted you were blocking me out on purpose because you don't want to lose Quinn." She ran her hands down her face smearing tears and what was left of her makeup over her brown skin. "I am trying to be understanding because you were ill and I'm sure this is hard for you, but it's hard for me too. You're not the only one suffering here. You're not the only one that was impacted by your coma."

"I know that." Sam shoved his hands deep in his pockets, forcing himself to resist the urge to touch her again. "I see how much you've done for me and Beth, all the sacrifices to take care of us, I owe you so much, but Mercedes I need you to understand, I mean truly understand. I don't remember loving you, those feelings are just no longer inside of me."

Far more direct than he planned, but maybe brutal honesty was the best approach with her, she certainly didn't pull punches with him, so maybe he shouldn't either. He wasn't trying to deceive her, he wasn't secreting away recovered memories. When he looked at her there was just nothing there. Nothing old that is, no color or depth that came when he looked at people he knew. He didn't get flashes of memories when he saw her. He didn't think of lost moments or recollect on shared times when he looked into her eyes. Mercedes was completely new, a blank canvas that was slowly getting filled in the longer he knew her. She was a complete mystery and he liked it. He liked discovering all the little things that made her unique. She intrigued him, but that wasn't what she wanted to hear. She only wanted the past, old memories, things he couldn't give.

"Enough. I don't want to hear anymore. I'm done. Go bury your head in the sand with Quinn, live out the rest of your days in deluded bliss."

She turned her back and headed toward the door, her bare feet padding lightly on the concrete. Sam didn't bother to follow her or try to stop her retreat. He knew she wouldn't get far. This was all a bluff, she wasn't ready to leave him, not yet anyway.

"If you are back on the divorce thing, then stop right now, because that's not happening," he called out once she reached the door.

Mercedes' shoulders slumped as she leaned her forehead against the glass panel in the door. "Why are you doing this Sam? Why are you holding me here?"

"I'm not the one holding you here, it's you. You don't want to go."

She looked over at him, but Sam couldn't make out her expression, his vision blurring momentarily. Slowly she pushed off the glass and made her way back across the patio to stand a few feet away from him.

His fingers itched in his pockets. It was hard not to touch her when she was this close and in obvious pain. "I'm sorry that the fact that my feelings changed hurts you but I can't keep going like this, staring into your sad accusing eyes, blaming me for things I can't change, like I stole something from you, like I broke your heart."

"You did break my heart."

"I don't remember that." And he was so happy he didn't. It would've been far worse if he understood all the meaning behind the hurt reflected in her eyes.

"You're breaking it right now. Why did you have to come back different? All I wanted was my Sam back, and instead I got…"

"You got me," he said completing her thought. Again she was back to him being wrong somehow, an inferior version of the original, even after spending the whole night together, things still hadn't changed. He still didn't measure up. He still wasn't enough.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this. We made promises, we had plans. This was supposed to be a second chance for us, not for you and Quinn. Then you touch me and hold me, and the kisses, just makes it worse, because I start getting this hope that maybe things are going to be all right and that maybe you'll love me again, but then something always happens and it's back to her. The door slams and you leave me on the outside, I'm not even sure you know you're doing it. But you do, you swing from me to her and I can see the shift as it happens. You look at me like I'm some intruder that invaded your space. Sometimes it's like you hate me and you just want me gone. And it hurts, worse than if you ignored me, because you let me in, gave me a glimpse, and I know I'm still somewhere inside you, but you don't want me to be there."

Oh God. This was never going to get better. There was no way out of this without breaking her completely. He could lie and flirt and say all the right things to make her stay. What she wanted and needed was so clear to him now. All he had to do was tell her he'd give up Quinn and she'd do just about anything for him. That level of deceit turned his stomach. How could he be married to someone, even if it was a sham, and not be honest with her?

Keeping such huge secrets between them felt wrong, he wasn't that cold. He couldn't lie to her face day after day for nine months. Although he guessed he had already done that last year when he didn't tell her about sleeping with Quinn. Perhaps he was capable far more than he gave himself credit. This time it would probably be even easier for him, since he didn't have emotional ties or feelings of love to hold him back. He was an Evans after all and lying was second nature, a valued trait in his family, and Sam was good at it, he always had been, but lying to his own wife didn't sit well with him. His father would call him squeamish for letting his feelings keep him from necessary actions, but for Sam it was the marriage that gave him pause, not his feelings. Marriage was sacred, it was a vow he made, a promise. He didn't like to break promises, even ones he didn't remember making.

"I don't know how to make this better for you. I'm out of ways to apologize to you." He clenched and unclenched his hands in his pockets as he helplessly watched her cry.

Mercedes sighed. "Let's end this, then both of us can stop feeling tortured."

Skin glowing golden in the moonlight, her eyes wide and bloodshot, her nose with a hint of red, she looked worn, and suddenly so frail, like just standing up was hard for her.

"I'd pay a million dollars to stop you from crying over me." And he meant it.

"I don't think that would work," she said still sniffling.

"Five million." He meant that too. If there was a price to make this all go away, he'd pay it. She gave him a crooked smile, her face brightening a bit. "At least I got you to smile. That's something."

"I can't seem to stay mad at you," she said reaching out to touch is face.

Fingers glided across his cheek, leaving a cold trail on his skin. Sam closed his eyes and leaned into her palm, welcoming her soft touch. This is where the confusion set in, the nagging questions as to why he craved the smallest of things from her, something as simple as her hands in his hair, or her fingers on his face. How could he want to be with her like this when his heart was so fully invested in another woman? There was nothing he could say to give Mercedes any solace, any explanations for his actions, he didn't even understand any of it himself.

"Please forgive me for how I feel about Quinn. I can't help that I love her," he said softly, still nuzzled against her hand.

Sam turned his head inward, kissing her palm, before pulling away to look in her eyes. Hopeless as it was, he still had to try to get Mercedes to understand that his feelings for Quinn weren't meant to hurt her, that they were something beyond his control.

"I know you can't help who you love," she said dropping her head. "I just can't stop wishing you could love me again."

Wrapping herself in his jacket, like a tight hug, the fabric stretching against her full chest, she watched him with a hint of a smile on her face. For a moment he was transported to another time, and another cold night where he'd given Quinn his jacket and she smiled at him in much the same way. It felt so vivid, like he could reach out and touch Quinn, run his hands through her blonde hair, the past and present mingled so perfectly in his mind. Mercedes' voice pulled him back, fading Quinn to the background as he returned to the present.

"I'm just glad you're alive. I have no right to ask for more from you. I'm being greedy. All I ever wanted was you back and healthy and I got that."

"You're not greedy for wanting more. You're allowed. You're my wife."

"One day I hope you'll call me your wife and actually feel the meaning behind the word again, that you'll see me as more than some anchor holding you down. I want you to feel me in here again," she said pressing her palm over his heart.

"I already do," he said trapping her hand against his chest.

No matter how he looked at it he was betraying one of them. Quinn would be hurt to know he was sharing so much with Mercedes out here in the cold. Only he couldn't help himself, the truth was being pulled from him every time she looked into his eyes. Mercedes deserved to know what was going on inside his head. That was the least he could give her, since he couldn't give her his heart.

"Sam, don't do that." Mercedes shook her head as she pulled her hand from his. "I can't take you faking it with me."

"I'm not. You're right, like you said earlier, I'm up to something. I have ulterior motives and I never planned to spend tonight with you. I was all set to come to this party with Quinn."

Her eyes widened. "What stopped you? Your mom?"

"No, you did." Opening his fist slowly he showed her the pair of cufflinks that he had stashed in his pocket. "Figgins handed me these cufflinks and I saw you in my head, crying, looking at me so devastated and you had on those earrings that match." He pointed toward the emeralds sparkling on her ears.

"You remember that?"

"It was real? I thought I had made it up from guilt."

Things he was forced to do by his father, his mother's lectures about responsibility and being a better man, not even Quinn's prodding toward making peace with Mercedes were enough to push him over the edge, his mind had been made up, he was going to spend as much time with Quinn as he could and he didn't care who knew. Then in a flash all that stubbornness disappeared and he was holding his wife's hand as he entered his birthday party. All it took was the thought of her in tears to change his course. And now he knew why it had impacted him so dramatically, since seeing Mercedes in tears was nothing new for him, it was that he was remembering an actual moment from their past, more than remembering it, feeling it.

"The night I found out about you and Quinn we were wearing this set."

If only he could make her forget, give her a little of his amnesia so she could let all that was hurting her go. Sam barely remembered specifics from the flash he felt upstairs, no descriptive details about location or clothing but he did remember the emotions, powerful and raw, throbbing like he'd been kicked repeatedly in his ribs. Sam could only imagine how much more Mercedes felt since she remembered everything about that night, about his betrayal. Years had passed and thinking about Quinn leaving him for Puck or Brittany leaving him for Santana still hurt at times, phantom pain from wounds long since healed. Mercedes' scars were still open, unhealed, mentioning his cheating made her flinch, seeing Quinn tonight cut her deeply. This was all too present for her, if only he could find a way to help her, to get her to let go, maybe then she'd smile more and cry less.

"It was strange because it wasn't really about what I saw, but what I felt. For a moment there was this intense connection. I felt you were my wife in here," he said pointing to his chest. His breath caught in his throat as he realized the importance of what he had just admitted, it was terrifying to reveal that much of himself to her, yet he couldn't bring himself to regret it.

"Sam do you mean that?" she asked stepping forward and wrapping her arms around his torso.

"I do," he said against her hair as he hugged her closer.

"So what does that mean for us?" she asked.

Hands wound in his hair, clutching the short strands, urging his head downward toward her mouth, she whispered his name before she brushed her lips against his. So soft and sweet, Sam couldn't resist a small taste of what she offered so freely. Alarms sounded in his head. It wasn't supposed to be like this, he wasn't supposed to let his hormones take control.

Finding some hidden reserve of strength he pulled away, leaving her wide eyed and panting. "Mercedes, I can't do this."

"You don't want to kiss me? I thought…" she trailed off, looking hurt and maybe a little embarrassed.

"Of course I want to kiss you," He ran his fingers along the contours of her lips. "I always want to kiss you, but this isn't right. I'm doing everything all wrong. I should have my hands in my pockets, three feet away from you, not this close, not like this."

"So step back and let me go," she said sharply, putting the space between them that he couldn't seem to be able to do.

Hands safely back in his pockets, he paced in slow circles as he talked. "I've never been good at letting go of what I know is mine. Not money, not power, not women, especially not women. I almost killed Dave Karofsky after Santana sicced him on me over my ex-wife Brittany. Didn't matter that we were headed for divorce and that Santana and Brittany had always loved each other long before I even entered into things, I just couldn't let her go."

"Eventually you did."

"She begged me. I loved her, I couldn't stand hurting her anymore." Sam looked over at her, staring until she lifted her eyes to meet his own. "You're not going to get off so easy."

It sounded ominous even to his ears, but it was the truth. Between needing to stay married to help Quinn and the overwhelming pull he felt toward her, there was no way he was letting her go. He had been talking about walking away from her for weeks, yet here he still was, closer to her than ever. Sam wondered if his father knew it would be like this when he came up with his plan. Did he know he would be so drawn to his wife? Had it been what his father wanted all along, to keep him near Mercedes for as long as possible so that in the end he would find it impossible to walk away?

"Because you don't love me," she said quietly, the words drenched in the fresh tears that had started to fall.

He didn't want to respond to that, but how could he leave her there with wet cheeks and shivering with no excuses or answers? She had been brave enough to listen to him talk about Quinn, the least he could do was be brave enough to tell her the truth, no matter how much he feared revealing it.

"Because you're mine," he finally answered.

The one thing he could never block, the sole reason he couldn't turn his back on her and walk away. It started when he thought she was his nurse and it grew from there, building in intensity the longer he knew her. Ever present like the beat of his heart, as true and real as anything he felt for Quinn, yet so very different, almost organic, a part of him now like a second skin.

No amount of denial could shake this feeling. It just simply was.

She was his.

And now she knew it too.

"What does that even mean?" Mercedes asked through her heavily flowing tears. "You want her, not me."

"Doesn't change what I know, what I feel in my gut, you're mine to take care of. You're mine to protect. I've felt it since I was in the hospital, before you even told me we were married. It was just there unwanted but unshakable."

"I don't need you to take care of me," she said wiping her face with the back of her hand.

"Don't you? You're out here shivering in the cold. Your feet are probably like ice cubes. Come here."

Sam took her by the hand and led her to sit on the chaise. Squatting in front of her, he picked up one of her feet, resting it on his thigh, rubbing it softly to warm it with his hands.

"You don't have to do this. I told you I'm fine."

Without a response, he gently picked up her other foot placing it on his opposite leg and proceeded to give it the same treatment. Avoiding her eyes, he focused on her feet, and the way her pink painted toes wiggled each time he got near them.

"When we were trapped in the car during the accident, you took care of me like this. You worried about my safety, my injuries, my warmth, when you were the one losing blood and pinned to the door. I remember thinking how lucky I was to have a man that cared about me so much, that would put my well-being before his own. And I was divorcing you. I had pretty much been nothing but hateful to you for weeks and still you took care of me."

"That's what you do when you love somebody," he said braving her eyes for just a moment. She was so pretty, even when she was this sad and miserable. "From everything I've been told, you did the same for me that night. Sounds like we took care of each other."

As hard as it was to face the disappointment in Mercedes' eyes, to see how acutely she missed him and their old relationship, there was a part of him that liked knowing he had gotten so close to someone, that he had loved her well and completely. Sam had always wanted that kind of love, and knowing that he had it once, even briefly, gave him hope he could have it again.

"Yeah, we did. It's just what you're doing now and the way you're looking at me, brings it all back, makes me think that my Sam is still in there," she said running her hands through his hair briefly.

"I don't think I can do this," he said pushing her feet from his thighs and standing up.

"Do what?"

Sam pounded his fist against his leg trying to pull himself together. "This." Sam waved his hand in her general direction. "With you. I was about to give you a long speech about how much fun I had with you tonight and how I think you're funny and sexy and a sore loser."

What the hell was he doing? The plan was simple and it was working, for the most part. Mercedes was enjoying his company and well on her way to giving him another chance. These attacks of guilt were messing everything up. Why should he care about the feelings of a woman he barely knew? The point was to keep Quinn out of the hospital and help put their family back together, Mercedes' feelings weren't supposed to be a factor. Except they were, she was more than just some abstract idea, a foreign concept, she was his living breathing wife and he had a whole other life with her that he used to want. Not remembering it now, didn't make those things any less true, and it was eating him up inside. He had spent the better part of the day trying to manipulate, control, and deceive a person that had done nothing but care about him since he came out of the coma. Thinking about how low he had stooped made him ill.

She raised her eyebrow attempting to decipher his change in behavior. "This coming from the man that threw a tantrum when I beat him at poker?"

"You were cheating."

"I was not."

"Yeah you were, but that's okay, because I kind of like that you're a shark and I like that you don't fight fair, that you're scrappy and tough." He smiled thinking of all the little things he'd learned about her in such a short time. "And all that makes this even harder, because I like you Mercedes. A lot. More than I should. And all of this is so wrong and not fair to you and…let's go." Sam effortlessly scooped Mercedes up in his arms, holding her tight against his chest when she started to squirm.

"Put me down. Where are you taking me?" she asked placing her arm around his neck for balance.

He could tell she didn't like to be caught off guard in this way. His wife was a complete control freak, Sam had learned that pretty early on with her schedules and lists, being swept off her feet seemed to take her out of her comfort zone.

"We need to get out of the cold, but I'm not ready to go back to the party." Without another word he carried her over to a darkened section of the house with floor to ceiling windows and double doors. Shifting Mercedes in his arms, he twisted the knob, and pushed the door open. It was dark except for the glow from the moon, a wide open space filled with furniture covered with heavy white sheets. The place obviously hadn't been used in some time. "No one will interrupt us in here," he said setting Mercedes on her feet.

"What is this place?" she asked squinting in the near darkness.

"Our pool house. When I was growing up, I used to have pool parties and this is where we'd change into our swimsuits or just hang out. I guess my father doesn't use it much anymore."

"Sam what's going on? If this were a scary movie, I'd be getting pretty freaked about now. Some green slimy monster with super sharp teeth isn't going to jump out and kill me right?"

Sam laughed, she was strange. "The monster would have to get through me first. You could run for help while I fended him off."

She pulled his jacket tighter around her shoulders. "I couldn't leave you behind to be monster bait. I think we could take him together."

Pausing for a moment, he took her in, so much spirit in such a small package. "You would battle a monster with me, wouldn't you?"

"What's going on with you?"

If she was brave enough to take on monsters then he should be able to suck it up and face her. He had been a soldier after all.

"I'm a liar," he said quickly before he could change his mind and hold the words back. "I've been lying to you all night, actually all day, and I can't do it anymore."

Mercedes visibly tensed. "What did you lie about? About Quinn? About sleeping with her?"

"I didn't sleep with Quinn last night, and this isn't about her, not really. I've been lying about us, about wanting to be with you, and about wanting to be married to you." He'd said it, but still he felt no relief, not when she was looking at him with those angry, hurt eyes.

"I knew you were full of crap. Why did you even bother pretending? I told you I was walking away, divorcing you."

"That's just it. You can't divorce me."

"The hell I can't."

"We have to stay married, those are the rules." The truth tumbled out of him like dominoes falling. There was no way he could stop now. He would have to tell her everything.

"Whose rules?"

"Dwight Evans, the lord of the manor, the master manipulator, he made the rules. My father cares about you so much that he cooked up a whole blackmail scheme just for you."

It was all so clear to him now, as he watched Mercedes interact with his family all night. They loved her and accepted her, practically as one of their own. She was a part of the family. His father hadn't made that deal to help him, or to get Beth back with her mother, he did it for Mercedes. It was all about her.

"What are you talking about?" she asked taking a seat on the covered couch.

"He's blackmailing me. That's how I got Quinn out of the hospital, in exchange for my cooperation."

"Why would your father let Quinn go free for me?"

"That part was for me, but in order for her to get out, I had to promise to stay married to you, for at least 9 months."

Her mouth slacked open as she brought both hands to her hair. "What? Your father bartered me like chattel?"

"I think it was more about him hoping I'd get my memory back during that time and we'd stay together." His father wanted them married. For the first time in his life, his father actually gave a damn by his romantic life and it was when he was with the wrong woman.

"So you get your mistress out of the nut house and I get to be your obligation for the rest of the year?"

She was angry. He'd expected that, but what he hadn't expected was the lack of tears. Mercedes was always so visibly emotional but now she was dry eyed and quiet.

"I wasn't supposed to tell you about any of this. And it's not about obligation it's more about me getting to know you again."

"While doing Quinn on the side?"

"No. I would only be involved with you for the 9 months. If my father ever finds out I was with Quinn the deal would be off and she would be sent back to the hospital."

The more he told her, the crappier it sounded. This was no way to treat her, using Mercedes as a placeholder until he was free to be with Quinn. Did his father even realize how cruel this was when he masterminded this scheme? Or had his belief that Mercedes would somehow erase Quinn from his heart cloud his thinking on it all?

"So that paparazzi pic pretty much screwed you up?"

"I'm hoping he doesn't know about that yet." Although he probably did. Everyone had seemed to have seen that photo.

"Why are you telling me all of this? Isn't the fact that I know against the rules?"

She had a lot of questions and still no reaction. Sam was dying to know what she was thinking about it all. He couldn't tell whether she was all set to blow Quinn out of the water with his dad or if she was feeling compassionate toward his plight.

"It is, but I always felt bad about even taking this deal, I just couldn't come up with any other way to get Quinn freed."

Taking a seat beside her on the couch, careful to give her ample space, he tried to read her face in the shadows of the room.

"How about this? You could have let Quinn do her time and get well."

"She doesn't belong there Mercedes. She can get the help she needs here, not three hours away."

"Obviously there's more to this sudden bout of conscience, why are you telling me this now?"

"Because you want a divorce, and I can't let that happen. If you leave me, Quinn goes back."

"Oh. Now I get it. All that flirting back at the house, those kisses, the whole dream date idea, I knew you were up to something, but this? Wow. You really will do anything to be with her. I didn't think I could feel worse than I did when I found out Quinn was back, but you topped that. This is much worse."

Finally the tears started to flow and oddly Sam was relieved to see their return. This he understood. The coldness from before had thrown him. He didn't like seeing her detached and withdrawn.

"I need you Mercedes," he said taking her hand.

"Oh no you don't." She snatched her hand away and rose to her feet. "Sex is not going to work on this one."

"I'm not talking about sex. I mean I need you in my life. I need you to help me with Beth, I need you by my side while I try to get my life back, I need …"

Crossing her arms over her chest she sneered. "You need me to not divorce you so you can have access to your baby mama."

Sam let his head fall to stare at his feet. This conversation was going downhill fast. "Yes I need that too, but not for why you think. I need Beth to have her mom. It's the right thing for her. Every child should have her mother around."

"I know." She sniffled. Sam looked up. "I want her to have that too."

Suddenly encouraged he jumped to his feet. "Let's work together to make that happen."

Beth was their common ground, just as Quinn had said. Maybe he should have followed her suggestion and used Beth to sway Mercedes like she wanted. The idea hadn't set right with him at the time, feeling uneasy about using their child as a pawn in their mess, but Quinn would never suggest anything that would hurt their daughter, perhaps he was just being overly sensitive. Not that it mattered now, he had opted to follow his own course and tell Mercedes the truth.

"It's not up to us. The courts have to decide when Quinn is ready to get her back."

"I know, but she'll never get a chance to prove herself locked away in a hospital. She has to be out in the world making a life for herself and while she's doing that it will be you and me taking care of Beth."

A knot formed in Sam's chest. It felt a little like betrayal saying that. Quinn should be the one taking care of Beth with him, but the reality of the situation made that impossible and Sam had to get right with that for now. He had been hiding from the truth long enough. He was married to Mercedes, she was Beth's stepmother and those two details majorly impacted how he had to handle his life. Running off with Quinn, their daughter in tow, had been simply a dream, something pretty to hang onto when his life felt so confusing and out of control, but the fog was starting to lift and though his memory was far from returning, his senses had come back full blast. He had to be the responsible adult here and own up to the truth that he had a family he needed to take care of, he couldn't continue to ignore his wife and child while he indulged in idle fantasies about a future with Quinn. He had to deal with in the here and now.

"Does Quinn know about Dwight's arrangement?"

"Yes she does," he replied with a quick nod.

"And she's okay with you being with me, staying married to me?" asked Mercedes pacing in front of him.

"Her first priority is Beth and she knows that whether she is in the hospital or out, I'd still be married to you."

Quinn had been trying to get him to understand all of this last night, that his life was far more complicated than he was making it seem. Sam had thought she was making excuses, once again letting her fears keep her at bay from getting involved with him, but now he could see she was being realistic. Quinn was well aware of the life he was choosing to ignore. He just hadn't wanted to hear about it.

"Unless we get divorced."

"I'm not sure that's something I really want," he glanced quickly over at her to gauge her reaction. She wasn't buying it.

"Could have fooled me. How many times did you tell me I'm in the way of you and Quinn? You've made it very clear I'm nothing but an inconvenience."

He was a bastard, such a shitty thing he'd done to her, making her feel like a nuisance because he didn't want to deal with his attraction to her. Taking his confusion and frustration out on her was such a cowardly thing to do.

"I only said that because you make my life more complicated. I just want to be with Quinn and Beth, no mess, no drama, but you make that so hard."

"Because we're married?" she asked.

"Because I have feelings for you. I told you all of this."

Either he was unbelievably brave or incredibly stupid but he took the chance and reached out to touch her, tugging on a curl at the end of her hair. He wanted to connect with her physically, feel proof that she was still there with him, and not shutting him out.

"Sorry I have a hard time keeping all your bullshit straight," Mercedes said smacking his hand away.

"I'm being real, no bullshit. I care about you."

He couldn't really blame her for not trusting his words. He'd been so back and forth with her, pushing her away one moment, pulling her in the next. Tangled emotions ruled him when it came to her and at times he didn't know where the lies ended and the truth began. All he knew for sure was that he felt something, and that it bothered him to see her in distress.

"If you really cared you wouldn't ask me to do this. Can't you see how hurtful it is? We would be playing the perfect family for nine months, and then it would be over. And I'd be back where I started, brokenhearted over you. I don't think I can do it Sam. It's too much. I'm in love with you, and you're teasing me with this chance to have this life we used to dream about, it's so cruel. I don't just want you for nine months, you promised me more than that."

Sam watched her lower lip tremble as she fought back her tears. The urge to comfort her, to hug her, to tell her it was going to be okay, anything to stop the pain, was consuming him. He didn't think she would accept anything from him at this point but he had no choice but to try, he couldn't let her persist in this state.

"Then let's make it real. I'll move in with you and Beth and we'll be a family."

He stepped closer to her, opening his arms slightly, praying she wouldn't see the move as a threat, and take off running. Mercedes looked up at him, deep watery eyes, filled with so many emotions, anger, hurt, and love. The love was so clear, so present, boldly on display. She wanted him to see it. She was trying to make him understand without words. This was about so much more than a bargain he made with his father, this was her life, her heart.

"You can't just snap your fingers and make something like that happen. Your heart has to be in it, and Sam yours just isn't."

"I told you I wanted this too."

"You also told me you didn't want to remember our life together because of Quinn. She's the reason we are even having this conversation."

"It started out about her, but now I see there's more to it. I owe it to myself to get to know you."

"And if Quinn were still upstate? Would you be so eager to learn about your old life?"

He liked her, truly, before he even knew she was his wife. That had to mean something. It had to make this about more than keeping Quinn free.

"I don't know."

"I deserve a better answer than that."

"I know you do, but that's all I got."

Saying what she wanted wasn't going to happen, he couldn't promise her more than he felt. Mercedes wanted him to love her and he simply didn't.

"It's not enough for me. I want my husband back, for real, for good, not some half-baked fantasy just to help Quinn."

What if Quinn were out of the picture, still with his brother or if she were engaged to Puck? What would he want? Sam forced himself to let Quinn go for a moment and considered the alternatives. Would he be fighting his feelings for Mercedes so much if there were no one else in his heart? Still wouldn't change that he didn't know her, it wouldn't magically make him fall in love, but maybe it would let him be open to the possibilities, help him feel free to explore why he was so drawn to her. Basically he could be in the moment with her, enjoying her company, finding out about her, just as he had begun to in the hospital. That's what he needed to do now, grant himself permission to get to know his wife and not feel so guilty if he actually liked what he discovered. Letting Mercedes in might be the only way to keep Quinn free.

"Things have changed, I've changed, you've changed. We can't go back Mercedes. All we have is this right now. It's not perfect and it's very complicated, but this is it. This is our life. I have a baby with Quinn. I have feelings for her, she's familiar and comfortable, and I need her in my life. I know you don't like hearing it, but that's the truth, but at the same time I care about you so much. You sort of wormed your way into my world when I was in the hospital and, I can't imagine you not being around. I want to get to know you, spend time with you and create new memories, actually add to the ones we have. We have a few that I think are pretty special like watching the sunrise in the hospital, feeding Beth sweet potatoes for the first time together, seeing you in your blue lingerie." Mercedes rolled her eyes and laughed lightly as he took her hand, lacing his fingers through hers. "All of those moments and so many more from these past two months are ours, good and bad, we have memories, we are rebuilding our relationship, and I want the chance for that to continue. Wow." He chuckled nervously. "I don't think I've said that much at once in a long time."

That had been more than he had planned to admit, but as usual when he was with her, his tongue ran away from him. He felt uneasy and exposed, one word from her and she could strike him down, diminishing all that he had just said. It was from his heart, all of it, and Sam prayed Mercedes would believe him now.

"It was quite a speech."

"I meant every word." Holding both her hands, locking his eyes on hers, silently pleading with her to give him a shot to make things right, to really try with her this time. The timing was late, and the circumstances seemed suspect, but Sam wanted this chance with her. Suddenly her response felt so important. "Do this with me, please."

Shaking her head she tried to break away, but he couldn't let go of her, not yet. "I can't play house with you so Quinn can stay free."

"Mercedes, please."

"It's just too painful."

"Okay you're right," he said dropping her hands, feeling utterly defeated. This was the last card he had to play. There was nothing else. "I don't want you to. I knew it was wrong to ask you from the start, I just got desperate, and I thought maybe..." He let his words fade on his lips. What was the point in continuing? She didn't care anyway.

"You thought what?"

"It was nothing. Forget it." In his mind, he was moving on, already contemplating how he would break the news to Quinn that he had ruined everything. He gambled on a hunch he thought he had about Mercedes and how she felt about him, and he had lost.

"Tell me." Mercedes insisted, tugging at his wrist.

"I thought maybe we could be a team, partners, and find a way to make this work together. I thought if I put it all out there with you and let you in then maybe…" Crushed hopes hit him squarely in the chest. He had wanted there to be something more between them, he had been hoping it was the answer to his plaguing questions about why he cared so much about her, about why he couldn't turn away. She told him she loved him, she said she chose him and wanted to be married to him, and if any of that were true then she would know what he was feeling now. She would understand what he needed from her. "I thought you were mo anam cara, but I guess I was wrong. Let's go back inside."

All that she had said about them and their car crash, the way she talked about how they took care of each other, the fact that she kept threatening to leave and never seemed to go, all of that made him believe that there was something deeper there, something that transcended all of her hurt feelings and his fuzzy memory.

"Sam wait." One hand on the door, he reluctantly looked back. "I'll do it," Mercedes said as she made her way toward him.

"Really? You'll help me appease my father? You'll help me keep Quinn free?"

Small hands inched up the front of his shirt before wrapping around his neck, rooting him to the spot. Holding his breath he watched her, waiting for an explanation for this sudden change.

"On our wedding day you called me your anam cara for the first time. It was after our kiss and everyone was applauding and you whispered that in my ear and I didn't know what it meant but I knew it was something important just by the way you said it. Later you told me it meant 'my soul mate'."

Sam smiled because now he knew all that he'd been feeling had been right and for the first time he saw a glimpse of himself in her, proof that she wasn't an imposter pasted into his life by his father, but she was actually someone he had chosen at one point in his life.

"I said that?"

"You did and you said you wanted us to be a team, partners in everything." Lifting her off her feet in a tight hug, he couldn't contain his happiness and his relief. "I wanted that too. I still do." Leaning back, still snuggly in his arms, she captured his face in her hands, studying him before she spoke. "So we do this together," she finally said.

Sam hugged her again, grinning so wide his cheeks were starting to ache. "Awsiteng," he said in Na'vi against her ear.

They'd make this work together. Finally everything was starting to fall into place and all it took was a little honesty and letting Mercedes in.
-

Notes: Anam Cara refers to the Celtic spiritual belief of souls connecting and bonding.

In Celtic Spiritual tradition, it is believed that the soul radiates all about the physical body, what some refer to as an aura. When you connect with another person and become completely open and trusting with that individual, your two souls begin to flow together. Should such a deep bond be formed, it is said you have found your Anam Cara or soul friend.

Awsiteng = TOGETHER in Navi