Chapter 56

"Sam, are you okay? You haven't said a word to me since we came in here."

He let out a large sigh, the breath he had been holding since the words passed through Quinn's lips that she had almost killed their daughter. His mind had sort of shut down after that and he was sure all of his bodily functions had stalled. Breathing seemed more than he could muster, and words, there really were none. Almost on autopilot he led Quinn into his father's study, the closest refuge he could think of to get away from all the eyes. Although once in the room he realized the eyes he truly wanted to escape followed him wherever he went. Beth's big green eyes were engraved in his mind. A part of him had known this was coming, the images of Beth cold and blue still filling his head even after he had been assured it meant nothing. His gut knew better, and even as he tried to ignore it, a sliver of doubt remained. Now he was face to face with the truth, a truth he wasn't so sure he was ready to hear.

"The music stopped," he said without looking at her. Sam wasn't sure where Quinn was in the room. He kept his eyes focused out the window and on the people that filed out of his house. The party was most definitely over.

"Maybe the band is on a break."

"I think they are done. Guests are heading home."

"But it's early still."

Sam could hear the shock in her voice, as if a party ending before midnight was the worst thing in the world, and not the fact that they were sitting alone in a room with a huge secret between them.

"My mom must have told them I wasn't coming back," responded Sam continuing the inane small talk. Anything to stall the more pertinent conversation seemed good to him at this point.

"This room hasn't changed much since the last time I was in here. I guess Dwight isn't big into decorating," she said lightly.

"When were you here last?" Sam asked still watching the action pass him by through the window.

"Strange enough it was another one of your birthdays. We were in high school."

"You remember that?" Sam asked finally looking over at her.

His stomach twisted, he wished he hadn't looked. She was so beautiful in her red dress perched on the edge of the bench against the far wall. Usually seeing her made him smile, an instant pick me up no matter his mood, but now he felt ill, disgusted, like he had no clue who this woman was in the room with him.

"How could I forget? That was one of the few times you invited me to dinner with your family."

"I always tried to spare you the agony."

"I used to think that maybe -" she stopped abruptly, looking down.

"What?" Sam asked subtly leaning in with interest.

She continued to hesitate. "I thought that maybe you were ashamed of me," she said finally.

Sam shook his head slowly already feeling drained from this conversation. "You were the best part of my life," he said softly. "There was no way I was ashamed of you. I was ashamed of them. My family can be so…"

"I know," she interrupted with a hint of a smile. "I just worried sometimes."

Sam had forgotten how insecure she used to be, doubting herself at every turn. Sam never understood it really. Quinn seemed quite perfect in his eyes.

"I thought about that birthday dinner earlier tonight and you coming in here to find me. How did you ever manage that?"

"I don't know. I just knew." She smiled, her head still bowed.

"I've been thinking about climbing under this desk again," he said letting his fingers trail the dark wood.

His father's desk seemed smaller now that he was a grown man, but still he longed for the safety it used to bring to his life. Sometimes the only place he could think in the big old drafty house was under this desk.

"Were you in here before? Hiding out from the party?"

"No. Not that the thought hadn't crossed my mind, especially when I first found out about you and Mike."

She wouldn't let him hide, catching him just when he was on the verge of collapse, his little clueless wife. Had she any idea that she was soothing the pain caused by another woman? Of course Mercedes had known, there was no hiding anything from her, she had this uncanny ability to read him, even when he was doing his best to hide his true feelings. The night would have been so much worse without her.

"Sam I never meant to hurt you with all that."

Quinn was on her feet moving toward him. Sam wasn't sure if he wanted to intercept her path, capture her in his arms and hold her, or move out of the way. In the end she chose for him, stopping midway, as if she noticed his internal struggle from across the room.

"I know. I'm actually over all that."

"You are? Earlier you were so cold to me."

"It was hard at first, letting all that sink in. You with my brother, engaged to him and cheating on him, didn't seem like something you would do."

Was he disappointed? Did he get so upset with her when she told him about her relationship with his brother because it wrecked the perfect image of her in his mind? Sam wasn't sure what hurt him worse at this point, the fact that she withheld yet another truth from him or that she had something to hold back at all. His mind jumped to the foyer, his mom and Quinn in tears, horrible words tumbling from their mouths. Sam physically shook himself free from that recent memory, forcing himself to stare at the beautiful woman in front of him.

"I'm not proud of my actions, if you'd just let me explain, maybe you'd understand…"

"You don't have to explain," said Sam cutting her off. "I'm fine with it all. I wish you would have told me about it sooner, but I get that you didn't want to go into all that our first night together."

"So you're not mad at me?" Quinn asked, her eyes widening in surprise.

Sam shook his head, unable to form the words he needed for a response. He wasn't mad, truly, but he just didn't want to talk about that stuff anymore.

"Actually I was in a great mood before," he paused, a pain shooting across his head, fleeting, over almost before it began. "Before I saw you and my mother together. I was inside playing with Stevie, Stacy, and Maria. They've gotten so big, especially Maria she was just a baby last I saw her."

It had struck him as he swung little Maria in his arms that she was the living embodiment of all he had lost, a human calendar that marked his missing years.

"Maria was such a sweet little girl." Quinn smiled, almost to herself, as if she didn't want him to see it, hiding her face behind her hair. "Mike had custody of her while we were together, so I got to know her," she explained.

"Right." It was back to Mike and the life she had with his brother. No wonder Quinn seemed tense. "So uh they made me a present," Sam said, changing the subject. He took a small book made out of light blue construction paper from his pocket and held it out in Quinn's direction, extending his fingers slightly when she took the book from his hand. Their fingertips grazed and she looked up, searching his face for a beat before turning her attention to the little book. "Stacey and Maria claim they did all the work and Stevie only helped a little."

"Aww they drew you pictures," she said as she studied the pages carefully.

Sam shoved his hands deep in his pockets as he watched her admire his gift. "Emma said these were pictures the kids drew while I was in the coma."

She smiled but didn't look up. "This is so nice Sam."

He held his breath, mentally counting the seconds, almost praying that she would raise her head just a bit and grace him with that smile he loved so much. Seeing her face suddenly felt so important, like this could be the last time he would ever see her eyes shine or her smile widen for him. He was left disappointed however, as she never glanced his direction, only at the small book in her hands.

"See according to Stacy I was just sleeping the whole time and these little bubbles above my head are what I was dreaming about."

Sam pointed toward the picture, inhaling the fresh citrusy scent of her hair as he leaned closer. Quinn smelled like oranges and the sun. A ridiculous thought, since the sun had no smell, but if it did it would be warm and sweet and fresh like the scent of her hair. That had never changed. He would know that smell anywhere.

"Are you fishing?" she asked disturbing Sam from his thoughts.

"Yep," he nodded. "Will must have told them stories about our fishing trips we used to take."

Finally, without notice, she looked at him, catching him off guard, his heart stopping. She was so beautiful, even now, when there was this ugliness looming all around her. Further proof that what he had heard had to be wrong, what he had been feeling for weeks had just been imaginary. Nothing tainted could ever be from someone so sweet. Not from his Quinn.

"Do you remember anything from when you were in the coma? Were you dreaming?"

He couldn't remember, but he prayed to God he was dreaming now.

"It's all a blank," he said gesturing toward his head. "The only dreams I remember are the ones I've had since I woke up."

"I hope they were good dreams."

Their eyes met and Sam was trapped there unable to look away, like watching a train wreck he was compelled to watch her bright green eyes grow murky the longer he stared.

"Not all of them," he replied, his voice cracking as he dropped his head.

"Sam…" Quinn touched him, her slender fingers on the exposed skin of his lower arm.

He shook his head. "Not yet, not yet," he warned, not willing to meet her eyes when she was so close.

He wasn't sure if he could handle seeing what her eyes held now that they had made contact. Barely hanging on to his sanity as it was, he was steps away from ignoring it all and taking her in his arms the way he had wanted to all night. The distance between them had felt unbearable, being unable to be near her, and then later unwilling to bridge that gap. Now there was no more space, they were alone in the same room, but she felt farther away than ever. One short statement had built a trench between them and Sam couldn't see how to make it over to her side. So all he could do was wait, stick with her in this awkward holding pattern until something dropped into his lap, some answer to all the questions that he was trying so hard to quell in his head. Was this really Quinn right next him? Or had some other woman slipped in while he had been sleeping away years of his life?

Finally he found the strength to move his arm from under her fingers. With a deep steadying breath he returned to the impasse he had created. "So you see this purple blob here?"

"What is that? It's in all the pictures."

"That's Mercedes."

Ever present Mercedes, she had become a fixture in his life, always just within reach even when he didn't want her to be. Sam almost expected to see her now lurking in a darkened corner of the room.

"Of course," Quinn said quickly. "Did you notice the cat in almost every picture?"

"Yes I did." He smiled. "That's Garfield."

"As in the cartoon?"

"The very same. Apparently Mercedes told the kids that I was a lazy cat like Garfield and that's why I slept all the time." Sam laughed lightly. "I thought that was pretty clever."

"That's Mercedes, clever," said Quinn with a deliberate roll of her eyes. She closed the book and placed it on the desk.

Sam ignored Quinn's tone. He knew she wanted to tear Mercedes down but Sam couldn't let her, not now, not after all his wife had done for them.

"She's really good with Stevie, Stacy and Maria, actually she's good with everyone in my family. She just fits. You know?"

"It's amazing how well a person can fit when they're not hated."

She sounded bitter, her words laced with an old resentment. Sam couldn't blame her, his family had always treated her poorly. From what he had been told, Mercedes hadn't been too well received by his family at first either, but somehow she managed to work her way into their favor. Quinn apparently hadn't figured out how to do the same in the years he had forgotten. Instead of things getting better between his parents and Quinn, things had become decidedly worse.

"Not many women would do something like that, take in a baby conceived in an affair."

The comment was uncalled for. He knew it would rile Quinn up, but a part of him wanted her on edge. Sam was barely holding it together and she looked far too calm for his liking. It was petty, but he just couldn't help but try to provoke a reaction.

"You think the fact she took in Beth makes her a hero? Some kind of a saint?"

Quinn was rattled now, her posture erect, her body language tense, his mission was accomplished, yet he felt no better with the result. Still he couldn't quite bring himself to protect her feelings, to turn back from the dangerous waters they were headed into.

"I think it means she loves me," he answered honestly.

Mercedes' feelings for him were written all over her face since he had emerged from his coma. At first he didn't understand it, why would a nurse feel so strongly about a patient, and later he didn't want to understand it, because truly acknowledging the depths of Mercedes' feelings would mean that he would have to acknowledge all the rest – his marriage, the commitment, the fact that he wasn't free. Sam wasn't prepared to travel down that road, it led him too far from Quinn and all he wanted to have with her, but now he had no choice. Mercedes had made it impossible for him to ignore her feelings, to just walk away. Against his will, and completely unexpectedly she had altered the course of things, and Sam wasn't sure what his next step would be. Before he entered the party, he had a plan, convince Mercedes to stay so he could do his father's deal and be with Quinn, that was all that mattered, but now, the plan was destroyed. The first hit was when Mercedes actually agreed to stay with him, catching him by surprise and putting all he believed into question, and the second, well the second was staring him in the face, there could be no plans or deals if Quinn actually hurt his daughter in some way.

"Yeah well she's not the only one."

Sam looked at Quinn in surprise. He didn't expect her to respond in that manner, to actually hint at the feelings he suspected she had for him. Sam didn't need Santana to spell it out for him as she had in the game room, he already knew that Quinn was struggling to reveal some inner workings of her heart, but he had resigned himself to the belief that it would never happen, that she would never find the courage to just say the words to him, at least not tonight. Yet here she was teetering on the brink of saying three little words he had longed to hear from her for over a decade.

Sam held his breath half hoping and half dreading what she would say next. He waited for her to continue, a long pause, where the only sound was the gentle tick of his father's old bronze clock. Finally Quinn looked away, turning her back to him and moving across the room, saying nothing.

"Far as I can tell she is," he said feeling more than a little pissed.

Why couldn't she just say the words? What was so hard about it? She already knew how he felt, he took the leap first, all she had to do was trust him and follow his lead. If she felt it, why not tell him? And maybe that was it. She didn't feel it, maybe she only wished she did.

"Don't let her devoted act fool you," she snapped. "Mercedes just wanted a piece of you. You were in a coma so Beth was the next best thing."

It was mostly about him and Mercedes' feelings for him, Sam could see that pretty obviously, and he didn't understand the problem with that. There were far worse motives to do things than love. All Mercedes had done was take in his child and love her as her own. Sam was starting to see they had been blessed she had done it. Beth could have landed God knows where, with strangers, or in another state with Quinn's parents, Mercedes saved them from all that. They had Beth right in arm's reach, happy and safe.

And she had done it all for him, he knew it. Somehow she had managed to keep loving him through all the hits he had inflicted on her, and to actually forgive him for his crimes, when he certainly didn't deserve it, yet she continued to stick it out by his useless comatose side and wait for him to come back. And how did he repay her? By waking up in love with another woman. He was a piece of shit, and she deserved better, but real love endured such things. The same way his love for Quinn had helped him endure all she had done to him, the chunks she had extracted from his heart over the years, and even now love was letting him ignore the warning signs in his head, doubt his instincts and silently pray for a miracle to make all of this go away.

"You make it seem like she stole her. But didn't she just step up for Beth when no one else could?"

"You weren't there Sam, even before I got really sick Mercedes was always around, so eager to help, always holding Beth, taking care of her," she said angrily.

"You told me you let her, that you pushed Beth off on her. Which was it Quinn did she take over or did you give her control?" he asked pressing the issue.

"Why are you twisting my words around? What happened between you two tonight?"

"We had our first date." He almost smiled.

The date was meaningless now. What happened between them tonight was so much more. Sam finally got a glimpse of his wife, a true understanding of who she was and why he married her. No wonder he had been having a hard time walking away from her. She was pretty amazing, and some part of him must have remembered that.

"I'm glad you had a good time while I was stuck in the shadows feeling ignored and forgotten," Quinn sniffled though there were no tears.

"Funny Mercedes has told me repeatedly that's how I've made her feel since I came out of the coma."

She wasn't the only one upset and it felt important to let her know that. They had been so selfish plotting a life and not considering the third party in their relationship. He was so stupid to believe he could just go through the motions with his wife and not care, not when every time Mercedes looked at him he felt sucker punched.

"So suddenly you're on her side and not mine?"

"I've never left your side," he said shoving his hands in his pockets to resist grabbing hers. "I needed some space, but the whole reason I was even with Mercedes tonight was because of you and trying to convince her to stay married to me so that I can keep you in Lima. You're the one that insisted I go back to Mercedes remember? You said you didn't want to be my mistress. I'm just doing what you want."

"Don't you dare make this my fault," she said with a hint of anger. "I wanted you to walk away from all this. Send me back to the hospital, run away from Lima…"

"Those are not options," he said sharply. "I can't just run off. I have responsibilities, and besides I can't leave her behind, not after…." He felt himself falter not sure he could say what he needed to her. Even now with his anger threatening to consume him, breaking past his fortified mask of control, he still couldn't handle the idea of knowingly hurting Quinn, but he needed her to understand, even though he didn't understand it fully himself. Something had changed between the three of him. "I owe her this time Quinn. She's sacrificed so much."

There were pictures in the room now, photographs of family and friends. His father never allowed pictures before, insisting that business and personal never mingle, but somewhere in the past few years his stance had changed, because now his office was littered with framed photos. There was one of Will, Emma and the twins, a small one of Kurt, one of Puck, one of himself as boy, and another from when he was a soldier. Sam scanned the walls and shelves looking for more. Behind him there was an old photo of his grandparents that used to be in the living room, on the wall there was a picture of Aunt Elizabeth with his dad, and on the desk, his father's hallowed ground of all things D&E and nothing family, there was a cluster of photographs. There was one of Beiste and Beth, another of his parents with him and Mercedes at their wedding. Sam couldn't believe the man he grew up with had taken such a sentimental turn. If he weren't witnessing it with his own eyes he never would have believed it.

"Everything seems to be about Cede now. Have you joined the rest of the world thinking Mercedes is perfect and that I'm trash?"

She looked miserable, even without tears. Her face held a map of pain and distress that probably mirrored his own.

"How can you say that to me? I could never feel that way about you. Don't you know by now how much you mean to me?"

Inside he was raging, it was taking every ounce of strength to keep his temper in check. He didn't want to go off like he did earlier in the night, when he had made her cower and her eyes fill with fear. Quinn was making it so hard, taking digs at Mercedes, letting her jealousy rear, when there was something so much more important between them. True he had stopped her from telling him about it before, needing a bit more time to adjust, but all this talk about Mercedes and accusing her of somehow being wrong for their daughter was getting to be too much, especially now, when Mercedes had proved herself so thoroughly.

He grabbed her firmly on her upper arms, shaking her slightly as his emotions started to overwhelm him. He stopped, maintaining his hold, just to breathe. Quinn wrapped her arms around his waist taking her place against his chest, and Sam relaxed letting his hand glide down her hair and onto her back.

"I want to believe you but there's so much I need to say." Her voice was muffled as she spoke against his chest. "I'm scared of what you'll think once you hear it."

Panic gripped him, tight around his heart. He wasn't ready. It was too soon for her to disappear, he only just had her back.

"I'm scared too. I don't want things to change between us. You are the biggest and brightest part of my life. When I think about my past, when I dream about my future, all I can see is you and Beth. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you either. I want to be a part of your life, not on the fringes of it. I was so scared that all this stuff about me and Mike had destroyed us."

"I never believed anything could destroy us until…" He couldn't even finish the thought. It was too painful to believe.

"Don't say it Sam," she said gripping him tighter. "We're going to be fine, like we always are."

No tears just assurances. Was it strength or cold indifference? Did she care that they were on the edge of losing everything? She brought up Mike as if he were the cause of their current hellish state. Sam extracted himself from her arms, moving back a safe distance.

"I'm trying to hang on to that, but I'm not so sure. She's my baby." His voice hitched as he reached toward the desk to steady himself. He felt sick, stomach lurching as he saw Beth in his mind, blue and lifeless.

Maybe he had it all wrong, since waking up he felt like Mercedes was the interloper, the wrong woman, tearing apart his future, but now as pain twisted within him and red flashed before his eyes, he was starting to think that Quinn was the one doing him harm.

"Let's sit under the desk," she suggested tugging his hand. "I think we both still can fit."

She was on him again, hugging him around the shoulders, placing kisses on his neck, and cheeks, soft pecks he tried to resist, turning his head from side to side in hopes of escaping her, but it was of no use, Quinn persisted, so he allowed himself to relax. Warm and citrusy like the summer sun, surrounded by that scent, he fell into her, letting her surround him, holding her tighter. He loved being with her like this, nestled in the softness of her hair. As a teen he would spend hours touching it, never getting enough of the feel, of her.

"We can't just hide out in here," Sam said starting to feel choked by the citrus scent that was a few moments ago so inviting. It was getting harder to pretend that things didn't feel right, that she seemed more like a stranger the longer he let uncertainties fester in his head. He was going to have to face things soon, as much as he longed never to have to. "We're going to have to face things at some time."

How could she have spent last night with him and again today in the nursery and not say a word about what she had done? Sam remembered her unease upstairs, the tale she told about her PPD and later about her suicide attempt and it all sounded so awful and impossible, unreal experiences for the Quinn he remembered to have gone through, but there was also another feeling one Sam tried to swallow, to push down from surfacing. Sam couldn't shake the feeling that as awful as everything sounded there still was something more left unsaid, because despite all Quinn had revealed none of it truly explained the looks that crossed everyone's faces when Quinn's name was mentioned.

"I know." She let him go. "And we will, but for now let's just sit."

He'd done it again, allowed himself to become lost in her, mesmerized by her beauty and all that was inherently Quinn. She had this way of clouding his mind, filling it with fanciful thoughts of a future that would probably never happen. She had said it herself, she was a liar and a cheater, she looked him in the eyes and swore there was nothing more to tell about Beth and he had known it was a lie, deep down, but he couldn't let himself see that other side of her, let what his parents had said all these years be right, that Quinn wasn't just the light he believed, she was the dark as well.

Still he couldn't bring himself to broach the subject he was so eager to speak about, not ready to let go of his beautiful Quinn just yet. What harm would it be to indulge in her as she existed in his memory for a little while longer?

"Dance with me instead," he said reaching for her hand.

One dance with the dream of Quinn as his wife, their beautiful baby girl at their feet, the happiness that he had longed for, finally realized.

"Now? You want to dance now?" she asked uncertainly, although she still put her hand in his.

"Yes right here, right now. I want to be close to you."

"But we have no music." Butterflies fluttered inside her stomach as she looked in his eyes. Quinn wasn't sure if they were from the thrill of finally being near him after their distance all night or from her fears about all they weren't saying.

"When did we ever let that stop us?" Stepping closer he wrapped his arms around her waist, gently swaying her to a rhythm only he could hear. "Remember when we used to do this in high school?"

"Under the stars with only the crickets for music," she smiled against his shoulder, letting herself get lost in the memory.

"I used to love those nights. We were alone together, I got to hold you close, and you would sing in my ear."

"I can't believe you remember that," she said smiling wider.

"It doesn't seem that long ago in my mind. I can still see you in your bare feet even though it was a little chilly, and you had on this pink dress with little flowers across the top."

"That was the night I came home from the hospital. We danced in the field behind my house."

The wildflowers, the feel of grass between her toes, the wind across her face were all the things she had missed while in the hospital, that night Sam had given them all back to her.

"Our last dance," he said in a near whisper.

He hadn't looked at her since they had begun their dance, his eyes trained at some unknown spot across the room as he spoke. Then without warning he turned his head and gave her his full attention. His eyes were filled with so much emotion, most Quinn couldn't place, whatever filled his mind was about more than just dancing.

"We've danced since then."

"Not that I can remember," he said sadly. Sam placed a kiss on her forehead, a ghost of kiss, just skimming her skin. "Sing me a song Quinn, the way you used to," he said as he held her close.

He pressed his cheek against the side of her head, and Quinn relished their newfound closeness. It was so nice to be surrounded by him again when most of the night she had feared her past would keep them apart.

"I don't know if I can. It's been so long."

Singing had been the one constant in her life, her refuge when all else went bad. PPD had stolen the music from her, taking away her desire to even form a note. Depression was such an awful disease that attacked not only her mind but everything she loved leaving her isolated and trapped within her own mind. She had managed to still care about Sam when she felt little for anyone or anything else, perhaps because she could relate to his condition so well, he too was trapped and isolated. Now they both had made it out of the fog, back into the living world, and they both were trying to interpret all the changes that occurred since they left. Just like they had been last year when they stayed at the Beacon, holding onto each other because no one else understood their pain, they were again bound together by their circumstances.

"Just a little, for me," he said against her ear.

How could she deny him, especially when he asked her like that? The lyrics popped in her head as she closed her eyes tightly and prayed she could make it through this.

"I held you in
My arms last night
I dreamed we were
Riding on a star
I kissed you and
The sun began to shine
In dreams I can do anything

It seems like I'm on my own
It feels like I'm losing it all

White lines
And headlights in my eyes
White lines
I'm ready to drive all night
White lines
How many 'till I'm in your arms
White lines
Will bring me

Seems like I've been here before
I know the way
Seems like I've been on my own
So long
So long

White lines
And headlights in my eyes
White lines
I'm ready to drive all night
White lines
How many 'till I'm in your arms
White lines
Will bring me home…"

She had started out shaky, croaking out a few notes barely above a whisper. As the meaning of the song coursed through her she felt stronger and she started to sing to him in earnest, hoping he would feel the words just as she did.

"That was beautiful," he said with a sad smile. Sam stepped away from her, holding both her hands between them. "Thank you," he said before leaning over and kissing the back of each of her hands.

"I'm rusty." Quinn laughed nervously, feeling shy and exposed as he looked at her.

"You sounded just as I remembered." He dropped her hands and turned away, heading back toward the large window. The moon was bright casting an eerie glow over the dimly lit room. "You know I tried to get Mercedes to dance with me all night," he said looking out the window. "She wouldn't though, said she was saving her dance for her Sam."

Quinn shuddered at the pain in his voice. He sounded so hurt by Mercedes' rejection. "She's wrong to say that. You're the same person." She had tried to convince him of that before, but apparently her attempt had failed.

"I'm not the same. She's right. I'm not her Sam." Sam looked at her, flooring her with sad green eyes. "My heart is lost to you and she knows it."

"So you couldn't convince her to stay with you?" Quinn asked her face falling.

She had been so positive that Mercedes would keep herself attached to Sam. After their encounter in the hall while Sam was passed out, Quinn could tell that Mercedes was far from ready to walk away from her marriage.

"Mercedes is not going to leave me." Quinn's head shot up in surprise, a smile forming on her face. Sam had really pulled it off. She was actually going to stay in Lima. "I'm not sure if she'll ever leave me," he added quietly.

"So what does that mean?" This was good news. Why was Sam acting so gloomy about it?

He exhaled heavily. "That means I'm a hypocrite and a liar."

"I don't understand."

"All night long I've been mentally lashing out at you for lying to me about Mike."

Quinn closed her eyes briefly in comprehension. Mike was still between them. This was still about all her mistakes coming back to haunt her. If only she could find the words to make it right.

"I wasn't lying. I just was trying to find the right moment…"

"I know," he said abruptly. "You've said. The funny thing is that I was the one lying tonight. Actually not just tonight I've been lying for weeks." Slowly he made his way across the room to stand in front of her.

"You've been lying?" Quinn asked grabbing his hand.

For some reason she felt unnerved, as if Sam were about to say something that could wreck all of their plans. Sam gave her hand a quick squeeze before releasing it, perhaps he had done it for reassurance, but Quinn felt no calm. His gesture caused her to worry even more.

"All night I've been lying to Mercedes trying to fake it with her to get on her good side. Or so I thought, turns out the main person I was lying to was myself. I wasn't faking it with Mercedes. I had fun with her tonight."

"I was witness to that fun when I saw you kiss her."

Quinn couldn't help herself and she let her comment fly. Watching him kiss Mercedes was just this side of horrible. Years had passed since she and Sam were an actual couple, they had spent more time apart than together at this point. She'd seen him married and divorced, and married again, along with all the hits and misses in between. It was nothing for her to see Sam with another woman, in fact it was the norm, but somewhere between last year and now that had all changed. Seeing Sam with Mercedes had become so hard to endure. The pit of her stomach burned as she watched them together and desperately wished to be in Mercedes's place.

"The kiss was part of it, but it was more than that. It was more about spending time with her, getting to know her. I like her Quinn and just as I have since I met her at the hospital, but I thought it was wrong somehow to feel that way. Like I was being disloyal or unfaithful to you, but that's crazy. She's the one I'm married to. She's the one I owed my loyalty and fidelity."

If she closed her eyes it would almost be like they were back at the Beacon last summer, listening to Sam go on about Mercedes. His words were different now, but his tone, the look in his eyes, were both very much the same. It almost was like getting a glimpse of Sam's memory struggling to return. In that moment he seemed so close to being as he was before the crash.

"So what are you trying to tell me Sam? That you and Mercedes are getting back together for real?"

Santana had warned her that this could happen. Sam spent a few hours alone with Mercedes and suddenly he was talking about loyalty and faithfulness, when earlier he had been so eager to ignore his wife and his marriage. Mercedes wasn't much to look at, chubby and somewhat unassuming but all that was a front, it had to be, because this girl had the hidden power to turn Sam's head. Even now with his memory gone he was still reacting to Mercedes and caring about her.

"It's what you wanted right? When you told me last night to go home and make it work with my wife," he said with a clip to his voice that made Quinn uneasy.

"Things have changed between us now. I'm not sure I can be without you for nine months."

Quinn knew she was being hateful. She was Sam's best friend and before his accident getting Mercedes' attention again was all he could think about. She would have been happy for him back then, or at least pretended to be, if Mercedes had given him a second chance last summer, but too much had happened to Quinn now for her to just sit back and watch Mercedes reconnect with Sam. Life had kicked her around, making her hit as close to rock bottom as she ever wished to get, and during the beat down of the past months something else had happened besides her pride being stripped and her sanity called into question, something big. Finally she had opened her eyes and had seen what was right in front of her, what had always been there, Sam, and the feelings she had for him. It might have been selfish but Quinn couldn't quite find the strength to ignore her own heart and let him go back to his wife, not when she had lost so much already, not when Sam wanted her too.

"Things have changed between me and Mercedes too. I told her the truth about my father's deal to get you out of the hospital."

"You told her? But your father said -"

"I don't care. My father will just have to deal with this one little breach. I couldn't keep lying to her face all night, and I definitely wouldn't be able to do it for months. So I had to put a stop to it, and now I need to do the same with you."

"With me? What have you been lying to me about?"

"You know," he said holding her captive with his eyes. He looked tired, his lids heavy and the color of his eyes unclear. "You called me out on it last night."

Finally she looked away, not wanting to see his reaction when she said the truth out loud. "You have feelings for Mercedes."

In so many ways she had tried to deny it, she'd allowed herself to believe his thin excuses about why he was flirting and then fighting with Mercedes on the phone last night and why he had been wearing his ring around his neck. Keeping alive the dream of being with Sam was so much easier when their only obstacle was his father, but Quinn had known all along that Mercedes was just as much a factor in their fate.

"Feelings," he sighed leaning against the edge of the desk. "What does that even mean?"

"Why don't you tell me what it means?"

Quinn had a pretty good idea what Sam meant even if he wouldn't say it. Those feelings reared up between them every time Mercedes' name was mentioned. Sam fluctuated between emotions, his facial expressions showing a wide range from defensive, to dumbfounded, to drooling. Quinn had tried to be understanding, realizing that sex during times of stress or vulnerability was fairly common, she had experienced similar in her own life. There was no way she was in a position to judge. The fact that he had been denying it all so vehemently, telling her that Mercedes meant nothing to him, all while hiding some deeper feelings was the upsetting part. Sam didn't need to hide anything from her, he knew that after all these years. Yet he was doing exactly that right now. Quinn was tempted to bring up his physical encounter with Mercedes at the hospital again. She even thought about goading him into revealing whatever secrets he was clearly hiding from her, but she stopped herself not wanting to make things between then any more awkward.

"She's always waiting for me, appearing just when I need her, to make me feel better, or to just listen. I've hurt her every day I've been awake, probably every time I open my mouth and still she keeps waiting for me. How do I handle something like that? A woman that loves me like that?" he asked as he twisted the band on his finger.

"How should I know?" she asked blinking back tears that threatened to fall. This strange connection he seemed to have with Mercedes was starting to give her concern. Sam had no memory of Mercedes, barely knew her as his nurse, so why did he seem to care so much about her? "Isn't there some soulmate manual you can refer to?"

The 'inside your soul' inscription on his ring still irked her. Sam had married a girl he had known for less than two years, and for most of that time he had pretty much despised her. Then in a blink of an eye Mercedes goes from sworn enemy to soulmate. It didn't make sense. Sam was a romantic, but that was crazy even for him. The possibility of his marriage to Mercedes lasting seemed like an extreme long shot. Everyone in town had been probably betting against them, and they all had been right. Mercedes was planning to divorce him after only months of marriage. They were dead in the water if not for that crash. Quinn still was convinced that guilt and more than likely greed were the main factors keeping Mercedes by Sam's side. Sure Mercedes loved Sam, she put that on pretty obvious display, but Quinn just wasn't sure how genuine that emotional display was. Mercedes was raised by a known con woman after all.

"Why are you getting so upset?" Sam asked.

Quinn angrily wiped at a tear that rolled down her face. "I'm upset because you're talking about her like she's so amazing, like how she feels about you is so rare, but so many people love you Sam and we all were here waiting, not just her."

"Were you one of those people waiting?" he asked softly, taking her hand.

Quinn nodded, tucking a stray hair behind her ear. "I used to sneak and see you in the hospital, timing it so Mercedes or Julian wouldn't catch me and I'd sit by your bed and hold your hand, praying that you'd wake up."

"Why didn't you want Mercedes or Julian to know you visited me?"

Sam's voice was soft like he was coaxing a frightened animal from a hole. He tightened the grip on her hand, as if he feared she might run away.

"Guilt mainly, I was pregnant, back together with Puck. I wasn't supposed to be having feelings for you beyond friendship and I was. I felt like what was in my heart was written all over my face."

"I don't know if thanks is the right word, but I feel like I need you to know that I appreciate you coming to see me all those times, risking it all for me, just like you did tonight," he said pulling her into his chest.

"Love makes you do crazy things," Quinn said as she squeezed him tighter loving the simple act of hugging him.

"Love?" he asked leaning back to look at her.

"Uh...I...uh…" Her face warmed as she felt the all too familiar rumblings of her nerves whenever this subject was broached. Saying those three words to Sam was all she wanted to do tonight and every time the opportunity was presented she had wimped out.

"It's okay I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that or make you uncomfortable," he said bowing his head.

She could tell he was disappointed she hadn't said more. Quinn struggled to pull herself together and face her fears head on. Nothing catastrophic would happen if she told him she loved him, probably just the opposite and things would be even better. Now if only she could convince her tongue to cooperate. A light coat of sweat formed on her forehead as she squirmed in front of him.

"I never can quite find the words to say what I feel around you, not the big stuff." She took a breath, mentally egging herself on. "I get nervous and I start to go off on weird tangents and-"

"I know you Quinn," he interrupted. "I know who you are. I can see inside your heart."

"Even still?" she asked her heart skipping. "Because Sam I'm not sure if I'm the same anymore. I've been through so much, I feel like a different person sometimes, and I'm so scared that you can't see me."

"I see you Quinn." Sam ran his fingers through her hair, watching her face intently.

"Really?"

Sam was giving her an out, mercifully letting her know that words weren't need between them, but one look in his sad eyes and Quinn knew that wasn't true. Sam needed to hear the words, he deserved them.

"Really." He smiled, briefly revealing the dimples that had been strangely absent during all the time they had spent in the study.

Quinn wanted to see those dimples again, permanently etched on his face. She wanted to give him that happiness back, let him know that he had someone in this world that loved him deeply and completely. Right now he thought Mercedes was the only one that cared, but Quinn needed him to know that he had someone else that loved him just as much. Not willing to run from this any longer, Quinn decided it was time to bare her heart.

"I've been trying all night to work up the nerve to let you in, to let you see my heart and I think I'm ready now because of our dance and the way you're looking at me right now and about a hundred other things that you do to make me feel safe, and special and loved. I sang that song to you for a reason because that's how it feels to me to be here with you. It has been such a long road, since high school really, but finally I made it home. I love you Sam and I needed you to know that. I came here tonight just to tell you that."

She'd done it. She had been brave and finally direct and she had told him how she felt and it was perfect. In the midst of their crazy tension she had created a little oasis with her simple heartfelt admission. She loved him and now he knew it.

Quinn couldn't contain her joy, her heart beating wildly as she threw her arms around his neck. Sam was more subdued staring at her with a closed mouth smile, searching her face. He brushed the hair out of her eyes, but then let his arm drop. She was doing all the touching, hugging him close, pressing her body against his, still feeling too far away even as she was all over him. Finally his one arm encircled her waist, holding her in place along his body.

His smile widened, dimples on display and Quinn couldn't resist those lips. Placing both hands on the sides of his face, she kissed him on the mouth, full and solid, putting every ounce of her love into that kiss. This is what she had been missing all these years, the feeling of being with him when he loved her and she loved him. There was magic in this new mutual connection, Quinn waited for him to deepened the kiss, to moaning into her mouth, and let his hands roam her back and tangle in her hair the way he always did.

Kissing him felt different, better, now that she had freed her heart from its cell and let him know her true feelings. So she waited for that passionate shift, but the kiss ended far too soon. Quinn leaned in trying to create their usual intensity, but Sam released her, staggering back against the desk.

"Wow," he said shaking his head vigorously. "I think I need to sit down." He pulled himself up to sit on top of the desk.

"Are you feeling okay?" she asked touching his cheek with the back of her hand. Quinn surveyed the room looking for a wet bar or maybe a bottle of water. Dwight Evans had bars in practically every room of the house but his office seemed to be a drink free zone.

"Yeah and no," he replied with a sad chuckle. "I've waited so long to hear those words from you. I was starting to give up hope you ever would say them, but now that you did, I'm a little confused."

"Confused about what?" Quinn asked running her hand down his arm.

Sam placed his hand over hers, stilling her motions. "About you and about Mercedes," he said looking her straight in the eyes.

Thanks for reading! The song is "White Lines" by Alexz Johnson
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