Slight trigger warning for allusions to/discussion of past abuse in this chapter.
Chewie beside him, Ben races into the control room. Admiral Ackbar leaps up. "You!"
Chewie growls and steps menacingly towards the admiral.
"What is it, Ben?" Mother asks. Finn and Poe gape at him.
"Rey escaped—for a minute. And then they caught her again." Or else they killed her, but no—that's not possible, Ben would've felt it. Snoke wouldn't miss the opportunity to torture him.
"Snoke told you this?" Mother frowns.
"No—Rey. She—I could hear her."
"Are you saying you and Rey are Force-bonded?" Admiral Ackbar demands.
Ben nods. "They're in the Outer Rim."
"Well, that narrows it down," scoffs Ackbar.
Ben deflates. BB-8 rolls over to him and leans against his leg. "But—"
Chewie roars.
"I think we might want to consider having Ben work with us," Luke says.
"I agree," Lando says. "He has inside knowledge. He's more familiar with common locations. If we work together, if we use his intelligence—if he can help us analyze what we have—" He jabs his thumb at Ben. "We might be able to find Rey faster."
"I agree," says Luke. "You've made use of Finn's intelligence. Why not Ben's?"
"Because Finn wasn't a mass murderer, or Snoke's personal pet," snaps Ackbar.
Chewie snarls at the creature.
"I know what I was," Ben says. "But I'm not Kylo Ren. Not anymore. Please—I want to help. I came here to find Rey. I want to find her."
"And I worked on that weapon that killed the New Republic," Finn chimes in. "In theory, I killed people too." He looks at Ben as if expecting a high-five.
"I think we can chance it," Poe says. "We can still lock him up at night if you're worried about him stabbing you after dark, Ackbar."
Ben's vision clouds, and in his mind he sees Rey—a gash on her temple, blood caked to her hair, receiving treatment from a medical droid. Her hands fold over her stomach, and her expression is of complete defiance.
Snoke! he calls wildly. Snoke—Supreme Leader!
No response. The image fades.
"Rey?" Luke asks.
"She's okay," Ben breathes. "For now." He looks to Chewie, who shrugs as it to say, you need to tell them yourself.
He shakes his head. I can't. Not now.
Chewie growls, but he doesn't tell them, and guilt gnaws at Ben. Guilt, and also something far more benevolent: trust.
"You know nothing about me," seethes Hux.
Rey crosses her arms. It's been two weeks since her escape attempt, and in that time, no one—not even Snoke—has attempted to speak with her. Until today. Until General Hux, whom she can never forget murdering Captain Phasma.
"I know you're a murderer."
"Executioner," Hux corrects her.
"There's no difference."
"Yes, there is. I was following orders."
"It doesn't excuse you. You still killed her."
Hux splutters. "Why are you so difficult?"
"Why are you even talking to me?" Rey spits back. "I have to listen to your voice enough!"
Hux straightens, hands folded behind his back. "Snoke said to stop the videos."
"Thank goodness," Rey snaps, even though she fears this means Snoke's giving up. Which is what she wants. Although, if Ben doesn't come soon… she'll lose her child.
No. Even if Snoke takes you, Rey promises. I'll come back for you. I'll actually come back for you.
"I want you to stop treating me with such disrespect!" Hux shouts.
"If you want my respect, you'd have to earn it. Which you haven't." Rey hesitates before adding: "Yet."
Hux rolls his eyes. "I should expect nothing less from a whore of Ren's."
"A what?" Rey glares at him.
"Ren isn't capable of caring about anyone besides himself," Hux informs her. "No matter what he's said. He's also quite skilled at manipulation. I believe you've seen some of that yourself."
Rey closes her eyes. "You're wrong. He's changed."
Hux snorts. "People don't change."
"Don't they?" Rey raises her eyebrows. "Does the number FN-2187 sound familiar? He goes by Finn now."
Hux slaps her. Rey tumbles to the ground, clutching her cheek.
"I'm sorry," Hux mutters, looking down at his boots.
And Rey responds the only way she can: she pushes into his mind. Hux gasps, trying desperately to resist her—but he can't, he doesn't have the Force, he's no match.
Dozens of images flash through Rey's mind. A small boy, hair red and unkempt, mud splashed over his clothes and rubbed on his cheeks, running through pristine gardens overflowing with gold and magenta and crimson flowers. The boy bursts through an elaborately carved archway, skittering across tiles and into a shadowed room. And a man, the same height as Hux now and with the same fiery hair, but with a broader build, looks down at the boy and the filth in disgust. Without a word, his fist flies out and knocks the boy to the floor. Clean it up!
And the boy's clutched in the arms of a woman with mousy brown hair and dull eyes. She plants kiss after kiss on his cheeks. "You deserve so much better. You'll make him proud, someday."
Voices swirl around Rey, one Hux's, but squeaking and breaking in places: I'll be somebody someday, you watch! And another voice, laughing as cruelly as Snoke had, but it's not Snoke, no—it's the man, Rey knows without seeing him.
She feels it all, too: the insatiable desire for more, more power, the undercurrents of confidence in himself, in his stormtrooper program, in his brainwashing, the wild and desperate desire to please warring with his desire to rule.
And the fear, too, quiet but pernicious: you will never be all you could be. FN-2187. The Starkiller. The girl.
Hux is screaming now, and the sound jerks Rey out of his mind. She stares, unashamed.
Flustered, Hux staggers back, wiping at his face, his already perfect hair and immaculate uniform. "You—you—bitch!"
"You're the one who hit me!"
Hux flaps his hands, turning on his heel to leave, turning back to her, to leave again, and back again.
"Don't ever do that again." It's supposed to be a command. It comes out a plea.
Rey lifts her chin and doesn't answer.
Hux storms out.
"Back to jail," Poe sings to Ben that night.
Ben glowers at him. Poe shrugs. "I don't make the rules."
"You did suggest it," Finn points out.
"Thanks a lot, Finn."
"No problem." Finn tosses a dinner roll between his hands, the grin that never fails to lift Poe's spirits parting his lips. "I'll be down in a few minutes, okay, Ben?" He imitates lightsaber noises, and Ben rolls his eyes.
BB-8 bobbles along behind them, singing the same song Finn and Poe had been singing over the food. With the help of ale.
"How's he doing? With the training?" Poe asks.
"Pretty good, actually."
"For someone who doesn't have the Force, that is," Poe muses.
Ben doesn't answer.
"Thanks for doing it. For him. I know he looks forward to it."
Ben turns to peer at Poe.
"What? Don't you try your creepy mind thing on me again. BB-8 will sting you. Won't you, BB-8?"
The droid nods, sticking out his fiery thumb to agree. Ben laughs. Poe joins.
"So…" Ben says as Poe punches the code. "Why don't you just tell him?"
"Tell who? Tell what?" Poe enters the cell before his prisoner. Not smart, Dameron.
Ben follows, though. Because, as much as Poe hates to admit it, the guy has changed. For the better. Who would've thought.
"Finn," Ben says.
"Finn what? Tell Finn what? I don't understand what you—what you're—you're not making any sense, buddy."
Ben's eyebrows fly up at Poe's term of endearment, and that's enough to make Poe want to kick himself. It just slipped out. Control yourself, Dameron. Don't let him set you on edge.
Ben sits on the cot and leans forward, resting his chin on his fist. "I think you know what I'm talking about perfectly well."
"Well, I know you have feelings for Rey." Poe has no idea, actually. But Finn says so.
The kind, curious expression on Ben's face tightens into a glare.
Oh my—he does. Finn was right. Poe doesn't like it. Not one bit. He glances to BB-8, who gazes at Ben with rapture as if that revelation's just wonderful. Not cool, droid.
"Why? Is it because of how beautiful she is? I mean, it's impressive that you have feelings for anyone, because quite frankly I thought that was impossible for years before I even met you. And, let me tell you, no matter how you've changed, I do not support—"
"Quit deflecting," Ben retorts, hands clenching. One fist traces his side.
"I'm not. Deflecting. I'm not deflecting. There's nothing to deflect."
Ben leans back, swinging his absurdly long legs. "Suit yourself. Be miserable for the rest of your life."
"Like you?" Poe's grasping at any darts he can and throwing them, hoping one of them will hit the right target and he can escape. But he also doesn't want to escape. Another part of him begs for Ben to tell him what he wants to hear, and Poe hates himself for it.
"Why don't you just tell him?" Ben asks again, so—kindly. He's being kind. Kylo Ren is the one being kind, and Poe is being mean.
Dammit.
The façade drips away. Poe doesn't have the energy to hold it up any longer. "Because I don't want risk it. Losing his respect. If I tell him, I could lose his respect, his friendship—and those mean so much to me."
"What if he reciprocates?" Ben questions.
"He doesn't. Why would he?" Poe paces.
"When I first met you—" Ben decides to be honest. "When I looked inside your mind, I saw an optimist."
"So?" Poe asks.
"You're not acting like an optimist right now. You're afraid."
Poe grips his head, fingers digging through his thick hair. "Are you in my head right now?"
"If I was, you would know."
"I'm here!" announces Finn as the door opens. Ben narrows his lips and drops his eyebrows as he stares at Poe.
"Great," Ben says finally, sighing, when Poe says nothing. "Here, take the lightsaber and—"
"Can I stay?" Poe interrupts, riding the Ben Solo wave of inspiration and stupidity. "And watch?"
"If you don't mind seeing me make a fool of myself." Finn laughs.
"He doesn't mind," Ben says slyly, and that's too much. That's too far. Poe's going to have to throttle the General's son.
Except as Poe moves towards him, Ben's jaw drops, and he clutches his head.
"Snoke," Poe breathes. "Finn—"
BB-8 spins and rolls towards the door.
"No!" Ben screams.
He's screaming out loud. He's screaming in his head, and Snoke laughs and laughs.
I mean it, Kylo Ren. She goes to the Dark Side, or I will kill her and raise the child. I think it's a lot more likely to follow me, don't you? Your child will achieve levels of power you never could, because your child will not desire the Light—it will use the Light, but never allow it to corrupt him. Or her.
"No! No, please!" Take me, take me instead, he pleads. I'll go back to the Dark Side. For love. For Rey. For their child.
That's an interesting proposition. But I've seen what you can offer me.
Something crashes. Mother. Mother and Luke are here, and Ben catches sight of Luke stretching his hands out towards Ben, who writhes away, tears leaking from his eyes as he sobs.
A distinct pressure enters Ben's brain, far more powerful than just Snoke's probe. Snoke's voice lessens, but Ben can still hear it.
You're weak, pathetic, ungrateful for all the power I have shown you, for all the help I've given you! I ordered Tygo Ren to help you burn Xin's body, remember? The Knights of Ren have always been looking out for you. I thought you were the perfect apprentice after killing him. And the perfect secret-keeper.
The other presence seeps closer, but it can't shut out Snoke.
Try to run away, Kylo Ren. Keep running. But you'll find that the Light Side will spit you out, because you'll never be anything but a murderer. You've never been anything else since you were eight years old.
Murderer.
And then he's gone, and Ben can breathe. He cracks his eyes open again—when did I shut them?—and tries to push out the echo.
Murderer.
Murderer.
And then he sees the look on Uncle Luke's face, and he realizes what the other presence was.
Luke was in his head.
Luke knows.
Ben's hands fly up to cover his face, and he doubles over, inconsolable.
"What was he talking about, Ben?" Luke whispers.
"Murderer. I'm a murderer."
"We know that," Poe says drolly.
"Poe!" Finn chastises him.
"No, but Ben—we know that. And we're all still here, and you're helping us, and we're helping you—it's not that we don't care, but more like we're—we're moving past that. Slowly. At our own paces."
Something snuffles. Ben lifts his head to see Chewie ducking under the doorway, Poe looking at him with an almost pleading look on his face, Finn's brow knotted with concern, and Mother clutching his hands and Luke watching him with an expression Ben can't quite read—horror? Sorrow? For what Ben's done, or for Ben himself?
BB-8 blips and rolls over, leaning its head against Ben's shoulder.
Murderer.
I don't deserve this—none of them.
Behind Chewie, Lando enters. "Heard Snoke was back…" His voice falters.
"You were in my head," Ben says to Luke. "How?"
"I learned how at the Jedi temple. I didn't want to—I've never done that before. Used it."
"You were screaming so loudly, Ben," Mother cuts in. "I told Luke to help you."
"What did you see?" If he saw Rey…
Luke swallows. "Who is Xin, Ben?"
He didn't hear anything about Rey, Ben realizes, relieved but also nauseated by what Luke did hear.
"Xin Kadu?" Mother asks. "The tutor from Yavin 4?"
"Xin Kadu?" Poe says, frowning.
"He's the one who died in that fire," Lando remembers. He glances at Ben, no doubt recalling the moment he found Ben curled in a fetal position under that tree.
"Ben, come on. It's all right."
"It's not—it's not. There's a fire. He's burning."
"It's awful. But it's not your fault."
Except it was.
"I killed him. I murdered him." Ben looks straight into his mother's eyes, into Luke's, so that they can see the truth."Tygo Ren came… he helped me burn the body." He knows Mother will recognize Tygo Ren's name, because she'd always been suspicious of the New Republic Senator.
He deserved it. Snoke's voice, a memory from long ago. And Ben still believes that, and he hates himself for it.
You shouldn't show off your powers, Mother had told him the day before Xin Kadu died. Control them.
"Snoke sent him?" Mother asks. Her voice is low but throbbing with all sorts of anger.
Probably. Ben laughs. It sounds hollow, reckless, unhinged. "Now, you see. I've always been a murderer, a liar..." He bunches his fist, straining against the urge to hit himself in the side.
"You were what, eight?" Poe says.
He'd thrown tantrums in the months afterwards, and Mother and Father always looked at him with disappointment, disappointment that he couldn't control anything—the Force, his emotions. When Mother suggested sending him off, Father disagreed—but only because "the kid's unstable."
But Luke is back, more determined than ever to star up a new Jedi Order—he says the galaxy needs the Jedi. Ben would be perfect.
Even then, Ben knew he wouldn't be, and despite his pleas and his fits of screaming, they sent him away to a place where he didn't fit in, and didn't want to try.
They didn't want you anymore. They wanted to rid themselves of you because you were a burden. You held them back from becoming all they could become. Just like you're holding back Rey.
Your mother doesn't want you even today. How could she?
"How did it happen?" Lando asks.
"Why?" Mother intercedes.
The strings holding him back snap. "Because he deserved it." He wants them to hate him. He was to be callous. And he also wants to throw himself at their feet—or knees, since they're all sitting on the floor—and beg. Don't give up on me.
His tongue sticks to the roof of his mouth. He shakes his head.
"You don't know?"
"I—" he chokes. "I didn't mean to do it. He was—I mean—I—"
"I remember Xin Kadu," Poe intones. Every head swivels to look at the pilot, who stares at Ben with nothing but pity, and that pity—it grates against Ben because he doesn't want it, but he needs it, and he can either cling to it as his lifeline or thrash and drown.
"You knew him?" Ben asks.
Poe shrugs. "I knew of him." His eyes search Ben's, and he grimaces.
"What?" demands Mother.
Ben keeps his face impassive as he watches Poe. Silently, he imagines their conversation: Who talks first?
Poe jerks his head and mutters that there were rumors about Xin Kadu and his tutoring.
"What rumors?" Mother persists.
Tears sting Ben's eyes. "The rumors were true."
"What rumors?" Now Luke's asking, urgent and anxious.
"Shit." Poe drags his hands through his hair again and again. "Shit. Okay. I heard rumors that this Kadu fellow—that he—that he hurt—"
"He tried," Ben interrupts. "I threw him against the wall. With the Force." And there was so much blood, and within seconds eight-year-old Ben was screaming, terrified of what had almost happened to him, terrified of what he'd done, until Tygo Ren burst through the door and Ben thought he was finished, he'd be hanged or locked up for sure now and he'd never see his parents again. But Tygo put his hands on Ben's shoulders and assured him: I'll take care of it. Get out of here. You don't want them to see what you've done.
He was watching me, Ben thinks. Snoke. All along. He wanted to make me into a murderer.
Chewie lets out a savage yell.
"That's self-defense, though!" Finn explodes.
Ben feels her hands, his mother's hands, on his face, pulling him out of his stupor. "Why didn't you tell us?"
He shakes his head. He can't answer. He won't.
"If you hadn't killed him, Han would have," offers Lando. The Wookiee grunts. "Or Chewie."
"Not helping," hisses Mother.
R2 bleeps sadly, a message. I'm sorry. For what?
For failing to protect him.
This is the Light. When people see you as you are, and they still care, they still love you.
But a part of Ben still holds back.
His sister scowls at the dark silhouettes of X-wings and other starfighters. "What?"
"I'd need to leave."
She laughs. "You're asking me now?" And, in the undercurrents, Luke hears her unspoken meaning: always when I need you most.
The night air bristles against his the back of his neck, ruffling through his Jedi robes. "Only for a week. Maybe less. Leia, I want to find Maz Kanata."
"Maz Kanata," she repeats. "Why?"
"I know she makes you think of Han—"
"Oh, for pity's sake, why does every man in the galaxy seem to think I want to forget the people that I miss? I don't hate being reminded of Han, Luke. I see Han every day when I see my son. He may not realize it—he may not even entirely look like him—but I see it in his voice, in his words, in his heart."
"He does tend to be snarky," Luke concurs.
Leia looks up at the sky. Clouds swarm it, jostling with each other and blocking out any hint of the moon and stars. "Why Maz?"
"Because she's also a Force user. And she has connections—more than we have. She might be able to help lead us to Rey." Luke swallows. Considering what lengths Snoke went to in his quest to manipulate Ben, he can't bear to think about what he's doing to Rey. "She's not my daughter, Leia, but she's the closest thing I have to one. I feel responsible for her. I'm surprised Obi-Wan's ghost hasn't appeared in all these months to threaten me."
Leia nods. "Have you seen Maz at all the past twenty years?"
"No. Not since I started the Jedi academy."
"And gave up your wild ways." Leia winks. "I still remember that girl—what was her name?"
Luke doesn't want to speak about her, but his brain travels back years, to the night when Maz introduced him to Nishi at her cantina. Nishi had been dancing, and the lights glowed against her dark skin.
And then she was gone, claiming that she didn't want to hold him back from his destiny as a Jedi.
And then, as Luke heard, she was dead. And when the padawans lay dead around him years later and Luke realized he'd failed his nephew in a way he hadn't even failed his father, he left.
He isn't going to abandon Rey.
"Please," Luke says, haunted. "Please trust me. We need Maz. This—this new awakening in the Force—I feel it's increased. I've been feeling it since before we even arrived on King Prana's planet. Maz might feel it too—she's more trained than you—and she might have some wisdom to offer."
"Is it connected to Rey?"
"Possibly. I don't know."
Leia wraps her arm around him and leans her head against his shoulder. "I trust you."
"He's still holding something back from us, Leia," Luke says. A fat droplet of rain splats against Luke's forehead.
"I know. I may not be trained, but I can sense it too." Leia pulls away as more rain begins to pitter-patter against the wings of the starfighters. "Was I a terrible mother?"
"What? Leia, no! Of course not! Why would you—"
"Why did he feel like he couldn't tell me these things?"
"It was Snoke. Not you. It was always Snoke."
"I'd like to think that." Leia bites her lip as Luke motions for them to head inside. "But it wasn't just Snoke. It was Snoke, and Ben himself, and me and Han also."