Chapter 58
"Mercedes what are you doing here?" asked head nurse Cheryl with a hand on her ample hip. "Aren't you supposed to be partying it up?"
Mercedes approached the counter in her floor length black gown, topped with a pink cardigan. She walked on her toes, attempting to dampen the noise of her heels on the floor.
"Malika got called in so I thought I'd hitch a ride with her and come see my dad. I brought some goodies." Mercedes held up the white shopping bag so Cheryl could see it from behind the nurses' station counter.
"Mmm so what'd you have at the party?" She leaned over the counter and peeked inside the bag. "Duck pate? Caviar? Lobster tails?"
"You'll have to see for yourself. I brought some goodies for you too." Mercedes grinned as she revealed the other bag that she had hidden behind her back.
"Oh aren't you a sweetheart," the older woman said with a smile as she took the white paper shopping bag from Mercedes' hand. "So glad I never fired you."
Mercedes smiled, laughing lightly. "No you aren't. I bet you wish I would resign every day."
"Never. You're a fine nurse, shocked the heck out of me, but you are. One of the best here."
"I appreciate you saying that, even if you are probably just being nice because I came bearing treats. I know I haven't been pulling my weight around here, but that's going to change. I want to come back to work full-time."
Weeks had passed and she had barely stepped foot back in the hospital. Half of her was eager to return to work, but her other half was hesitant about spending time in a place that held so many bad memories.
"You listen to me," she said pointing a brown finger in her direction. "Everyone here understands what you've been going through and we were happy to help you out whenever we could."
"I owe you all so much." Mercedes knew she never would have made it through all the months of Sam's coma without the support of her fellow nurses. They went above and beyond to help and support her.
Mercedes let her eyes fall to the closed door across from the desk, the spot she had been avoiding since she stepped off the elevator, Sam's old room, their home for nine endless months. Just looking at the door brought it all back, the not so distant memories flooding her mind. Sam could have died in that room, technically he had, a few times.
"Nonsense. You don't owe us a thing. And don't come rushing back to this place because you think you have to. Stay home and enjoy that man of yours and that precious baby. They need your attention more than ever now." Cheryl squeezed her hand tightly. It felt less like a friendly gesture, and more like a signal for attention. "There will be time enough to come back to work."
Like it was yesterday she could see herself standing outside the door, Dwight and Sue flanked on each side of her as the doctors droned on with their stoic expressions and clinical tones. Mercedes had tried to focus on their actual words, to put her nursing training to use and interpret the meaning of their medical terms, but her brain wouldn't let her, not after she heard them say Sam's prognosis was poor. Latching onto those two words - prognosis poor, everything else faded into the background as she put all her energy into not falling apart in the middle of the hospital.
Sue was wrecked, collapsing into a nearby chair covered in tears, yet still spewing accusations that the doctors were incompetent liars. Dwight was far less demonstrative. His stone face and steel edged posture never crumbled. When he'd heard enough he pivoted and stormed away, grumbling under his breath. Alone Mercedes had stood, the only advocate for Sam's care. It didn't matter that she was only nineteen and terrified. She was expected to handle every kick with calm maturity. And she had, never once letting the doctors or Sam's family see her break.
Once the doctors left and Sam's parents had wandered off to deal with their own pain, Mercedes had made her escape. Walking down the hall as fast as she could without breaking into a run, she got away from the doctors and their 'poor prognosis' and that wretched door that the man she loved was trapped behind. Past closed doors and locked offices, Mercedes searched for a place she could hide, a spot where Sam wasn't sick and her life wasn't a horrible nightmare. Pushing through the double doors of the staff locker room, she choked on the tears she had been stifling. Squeezing herself in a corner between a locker and the wall she started to sink to the floor letting all her tears finally flow, but she never hit the cold hard tile, because soft arms encircled her, holding her up, preventing her fall. Cheryl was there, materializing from nowhere, hugging her tight while she cried.
When the moment had passed and her emotions were easing back into place, Cheryl had released her, handed her tissues, and offered her a smile.
"Are you done now?" she had asked. And Mercedes only nodded. "Good because there's a war to be won."
Mercedes quickly brought up what the doctors' had said that Sam's prognosis was poor and that his chances for recovery were low. Cheryl had brushed all of that off, scoffing at the 'know-it-all' doctors. She had insisted that faith and good care would bring Sam back. And she had been so right.
"Thanks Cheryl." Mercedes shifted away from the nurses' station if she didn't leave soon she would surely become a crying mess in front of her boss. "I guess I need to go hunt down my father now."
"Try the on call room," Cheryl suggested. "That's where he was headed last I saw him."
There was a time when the hospital was one of the few places in town she truly felt at home. Finding her father, meeting Puck and living with Beiste was great, but beyond that the town she adopted as her home still felt very foreign and at times uninviting. She really had no connection to the place outside of Beiste, her dad and Puck. Then she started nursing school and suddenly everything changed. She found purpose and focus, something to dedicate herself to besides her own selfish needs. And she was good at it, her classes were challenging but she still managed to excel, and now her job at the hospital made sense, she finally understood the service she was providing to patients, how she helped and made a difference.
Mercedes' life had changed after that. She made new friends at work and school, met Shane, and finally found a way to stop obsessing so much over Sam, a man she would never be with. Or so she had thought, as luck would have it, that 'never' with Sam turned out to be a 'not right now', since in time he too became a bigger part of her life. Building a friendship with Sam had been such an easy thing, evolving naturally once they both stopped fighting each other, and started talking instead. They got each other, and found they had plenty of common ground. Love might not have bloomed with Sam, he was too hung up on Rachel Berry for that, but a closeness developed nevertheless, and that was almost as good.
Feelings changed with the seasons, for her and Shane and for her and Sam. Mercedes finally found a boyfriend of her own in Shane, her first really, and it was nice and sweet, and on the verge of becoming more, if only she could let go of Sam. He still hid in the dark corners of her heart, silently keeping her small sliver of hope captive, the keeper of her dream that one day Sam would see her as more than a friend. 'Be careful what you wish for' never felt more true of an adage when Sam unexpectedly declared his heart. In the middle of Beiste's kitchen, he asked her give up Shane and give him a chance instead. Life altered before her eyes, an abrupt shift in the plans that she had thought were going so smoothly. Sam Evans had other ideas, as he tried to sweep her off her feet after denying her for almost a year. She loved and hated him equally in that moment, a state she would find herself in a number of times during her relationship with Sam.
Like right now, if she were being honest, her love for Sam was stronger than ever, so deep it consumed her and made her feel whole, without it she wasn't sure if she would be recognizable, so much of her identity was wrapped up in loving him, caring about him, being his wife. Then with a simple request he had shattered all that she held close, diminishing their life together, their marriage, and her being in one blow. He wanted her to pretend, to live a lie, to fake being his wife, a family. It had hurt worse than anything he'd ever done before, and Sam had almost broken her last year, but this was even more painful. An unthinkable request, no way would she fake anything to help keep Quinn free, but in the end she had agreed, swallowing her own pain to end his.
And he had been desperate, she could see it in his eyes, the fear was written all over his face, he'd do anything for Quinn and the thought of letting her down was killing him. So he had sacrificed Mercedes to keep the woman he loved safe, served up her heart as an offering to the gods, ripping it from her chest still beating and hopelessly loving him. And so much she loved him, and he knew it, which is why he had asked in the first place. Her love for him was her weakness and Sam had always been good at preying on the weak.
The door opened and she looked up, a couple doctors rushed from the room giving her a brief glimpse at the patient inside, tethered to the bed by a maze of tubes. Mercedes shuddered at the sight, not long ago she had been in that room, watching Sam trapped in that same maze. And just like that the bitterness left her, that hate she wanted to feel disappeared. Sam had almost left her, hanging on by nothing more than medical miracles and pure faith, but he had survived, hurtling back to life and in some ways back to her, because even though he woke up with no memories of their life together or the love they shared, he still had come back. Sam had leaned on her, squeezed her hand, asked for her support, craved her company. If Mercedes pushed aside all of her hurt about being forgotten, she could see that not everything was lost, Sam didn't know her but he had wanted her in his life all the same. There was something in that, a deeper meaning, a message in his unwillingness to let her walk away from him completely. Of course, now that she knew about Dwight's crazed plot, Sam's clinginess made more sense. It was all about Quinn after all, as it had consistently been since he came out of the coma. Still Mercedes wasn't quite ready to chalk everything up to that deal with his father. There had been something between them before Sam even knew Quinn was locked away, he just had been unwilling to acknowledge it once he found out she was his wife. That seemed to change tonight, through all of his obvious conning to get her to stay married to him, something real had emerged. Mercedes was sure it wasn't just imagination. Sam truly felt something for her, just as he did when he thought she was his nurse. And maybe that something was a part of what he felt for her before the crash.
"Mercedes?" Her father stepped out in the hall catching her by surprise. She hadn't even realized she'd made it to the on call room as she was so lost in her thoughts.
"Hi dad." She smiled. It was good to see her father's face after the roller coaster of a night she had. Seeing him in his usual dress of green scrubs and white sneakers comforted her somehow. "Brought you some food," she said handing him the bag. She almost forgot the purpose for her visit, as she continued to draw comfort from her father's presence.
"Sweetheart, you didn't have to do that, though I'm glad you did." Julian looked inside the bag, surveying its contents. "This smells delicious. How did you even get here?"
"I got a ride with Malika," she said staring down the hall. She had made it past their old room but it felt like ghosts from that time were surrounding her.
Julian looked up shifting his attention from the food to her. "You're shaking. What's wrong?"
"Oh nothing, just a little chill," she replied putting on her biggest smile. Mercedes tried to pull herself together before her father went into overprotective mode.
"Mercedes…" he began clearly not believing her excuse. He led her into the room, his hand on the small of her back.
"I passed by Sam's old room," she said quickly once they were inside. "It just brought it all back, you know?" Her smile dropped and her eyes welled with tears. There was no playing this off. Seeing that room again had shaken her.
"Yeah I know," he said rubbing her shoulder. "But he made it out of there. He's home now."
Mercedes flinched at the word 'home'. It felt like a weapon now. She had no real home once Sam went into the coma. Losing him in that way made it startlingly clear that home for Mercedes hadn't been about a place, but about people. Beiste had felt like home, and she still did, she was comfort and love, but Sam had stepped in and became all of those things to her and more. Sam was her one safe place in the world, even when he was the person that had shattered it with his cheating and lies. All the time Sam was in the coma Mercedes had lived off the hope that one day he would recover and they'd have their home again together. It was what held her there with him even during the times when it felt like she should have given up and walked away.
Now Sam was back with them, conscious and recovering, but still he had not returned home. All night at the party he had brought up that possibility of coming home with her and learning about their life together. Each mention made her heart soar. It was all she wanted, another chance at a life with him, but then she remembered Quinn and all that Sam wanted was a life with her, and just like that her dreams felt flat.
"Right. Home," she said sadly.
"Oh no," said Julian shaking his head. "I told myself I wasn't going to bring this up, but looking at your face right now I know I have to."
"Bring what up?" Mercedes asked though she had a pretty good idea where her father was heading.
"Quinn."
"Oh her." Mercedes deflated. Quinn Fabray was a dark cloud over her life. Everything was about Quinn now.
"Yeah her. What the hell is wrong with that piece of shit husband of yours? How could he do this to you?"
"I'm pretty sure I wasn't on his mind at all. I wasn't part of his decision to have Quinn released." Sam had told her as much, repeatedly. His only concerns were Quinn and Beth.
"Which is another issue. I don't care how hard he bumped his head, the man knows he has a wife. There is no good reason for him to be acting like this, breaking Quinn out of the hospital and bringing her to a party that you threw for him."
"Well in Sam's defense…" Mercedes said in a low voice. Diffusing the situation didn't seem remotely possible but she had to try. Getting into a shouting match with her dad over how much of a deadbeat Sam was in the middle of the on call room didn't seem like a good idea.
"There is no defense for him," her father said sharply.
There really was no arguing that point, Sam's actions were selfish and wrong. Under any other circumstances she would be right next to her dad condemning him, but this wasn't a normal situation, Sam wasn't himself, and it was that impairment that helped Mercedes find ways to forgive him.
"Maybe not, but he honestly didn't know about the party. It was supposed to be a surprise."
"Instead the surprise was on you. I could wring his neck." Julian twisted his hands, pantomiming the act.
Mercedes touched his arm only letting go once she felt her father begin to relax. "Dad it's really okay. I'm over the whole Quinn is free thing."
"Over it?" Julian's voice raised an octave. "Look at you. You're shaking. I don't think you're over a damn thing. Did you eat tonight or were you too busy wasting more tears on Sam?" he asked rubbing her head.
"I'm not some basket case you know? I'm not going to fall apart because of Quinn Fabray."
"I know you're not a basket case." Julian hugged her around the shoulders. "I'm just concerned."
She squeezed her father tightly around the waist. "Don't be concerned about me, be concerned about Sam. Quinn told him about what happened to Beth."
"So how's he handling that?" Julian made his way back to the bag of food that he left on the little table in the room. He opened up a container and gave it a sniff.
"I'm not sure." Mercedes joined him at the table and handed him a fork wrapped in a blue cloth napkin from her purse. "Last I saw him he had locked himself in Dwight's office with her. She was supposedly telling him the whole story."
"Mmm rigatoni caprese one of my favorites from BreadStix," Julian said after putting a forkful of food in his mouth. "So you don't even know if she actually told him. Quinn could have been making excuses."
"Dwight won't let that happen, or Sue either for that matter. Sam is going to find out all tonight one way or another. I'm really worried about him though. It is a lot to take in, and he already passed out once tonight."
"Passed out?" Her father paused mid chew. "How come he wasn't brought to the hospital? He's recovering from a major brain injury. There are a number of things that could've been going on with him."
Julian's concern for Sam's health was evident, and if she hadn't known otherwise she would have taken that as a positive step in father in law/son in law relations, but Mercedes knew the truth. Her father was merely in doctor mode, thinking of Sam as another patient and nothing more.
"Kalina tried to get him to go, but he refused. Seems like he mixed beer with his meds and that's what caused him to faint."
"You don't sound convinced."
Mercedes shrugged. "Like you said he's recovering from a serious injury, but honestly I think it has more to do with his amnesia than anything else."
"I know you were taking that TBI class but there's so much you don't know about his condition. I wouldn't dismiss drug interaction or even complications from the coma."
"I'm open to anything, and I hope he decides to get examined, but my instincts are telling me that Sam passed out because his mind couldn't handle what he was hearing. Quinn and Sue were arguing about what happened to Beth right in front of him when he collapsed," she said with a hint of anger creeping into her voice.
It was upsetting that one conversation between Sue and Quinn had brought Sam to his knees. What would have happened if they had actually revealed all that Quinn had done to the baby at the moment? Would Sam still be incapacitated? That was her worry now, as she remained in the dark about what was happening during the current conversation between Quinn and Sam. What if Sam had again physically reacted to the information, passing out in the middle of the room? Although Mercedes hoped that someone would have called her if that had occurred, so she could only assume Sam was dealing with everything without losing consciousness.
"Plausible theory, it could have been psychological in nature. Hopefully Kalina will be able to get to the bottom of it."
"He fired her," Mercedes said with a sigh.
Julian dropped his fork. "Typical. Sam can be such a stubborn ass."
Mercedes wasn't happy about Sam abandoning his treatment either, especially since said treatment was probably her only hope of getting Sam to remember her again. Even still Sam was a proud and fiercely independent man. He didn't like asking for help or showing any signs of weakness, so Mercedes understood his reluctance to see a therapist, even when he clearly needed to.
"I wish you weren't so angry with him all the time. Sam can't help his memory loss. Can't you cut him some slack?"
"No I cannot," he said in disgust. "I watched Quinn's little press conference tonight."
"You did?" she asked her eyes widening in shock.
"Honey half the hospital did. The news has been playing it nonstop. You'd think the president was giving a speech and not just some woman from Lima blathering on about her feelings."
Mercedes' insides twisted in knots. No wonder Cheryl had made that cryptic statement about focusing on her husband, she had seen Quinn's interview and had known her marriage was under attack. As if the past year hadn't been fraught with one humiliation after another, now there was yet another to add to the list. Not only had her husband cheated on her and conceived a baby, but now he also wanted to leave her for the mother his child.
Mercedes slouched in her chair. "So you heard Quinn talk about how wonderful Sam is and how he's the best man in the world."
"Yes I did. If people didn't think they were having an affair before, they will now. Where was her lawyer all that time? He swooped in at the tail end, after she'd done all that damage to her reputation, fueling rumors, and embarrassing you. I wanted to string him up."
"Who are we talking about here? Sam?" She tilted her head observing her father from across the table. He seemed to be far more upset about Quinn's antics than usual.
"No, Quinn's incompetent attorney Artie Abrams, he was supposed to be a solution in all this mess not part of the problem. He was supposed to be better than a lawyer on the Evans payroll, and I thought since he was so green that he'd be more focused and attentive to her case. But tonight he couldn't be bothered to do his job, he somehow let Quinn off her leash and allowed her to chat it up with the press, revealing to everyone that she was in town and at the Evans house."
"You sure know a lot about Quinn's lawyer," Mercedes said, narrowing her eyes. Her father had never said this much about Quinn's case or legal arrangements before.
"Well how could I not? She's all over the news."
"That's true."
Everyone knew the intimate details of their lives these days thanks to the media. Quinn bore the brunt of the scrutiny, but even Mercedes with her protection from Dwight, still was exposed.
"The baby was at the party wasn't she?" asked her father.
"Yeah she was."
"If CPS sees that tape, and I don't see why they wouldn't since the networks have it on constant loop, then Quinn is screwed. Being in that house tonight with the baby there was a direct violation."
Inwardly she groaned. She hadn't much thought about Child Protective Services tonight, having Quinn around Sam had preoccupied her mind.
"I know and even worse Sam let her hold her."
When Dwight told her about that it was the final straw. Mercedes had been dealing with Quinn's presence with decorum and restraint. She deserved a medal for the level of self-control she managed to achieve. Inside she was filled with rage over Quinn and her sudden appearance at the party. She wasn't sure which made her angrier the fact that Quinn was there at all or that Sam had a hand in bringing her. Either way the result was the same, she hated Quinn barging in on their life in such a big and public way. But she had kept her emotions in check and dealt with the intrusion, until she found out she had been near the baby. Beth's safety was most important and Mercedes wasn't going to let anyone, not even her own parents hurt her again.
"That right there is proof that it's time for you to get out of this."
"Get out of what?"
"Out of this mess with Sam and Quinn. You are legally responsible for that girl right now and they are blatantly breaking rules. CPS could hold this against you too. You are the one that has custody."
Mercedes worked hard to contain her eye roll. Her father was quickly heading into lecture territory. As much as she loved her dad and appreciated their talks, she hated how he insisted on giving his opinion on every part of her life. She guessed she should be glad that he wasn't obnoxious with his advice, he did back off once he said his peace.
"But I didn't know he let Quinn see Beth. I wasn't even there."
If she had been around it never would have happened. Quinn obviously used Sam's ignorance about the situation to her advantage, manipulating him with her big eyes and even bigger breasts.
"You think that matters to CPS? They can argue that you should've known what was going on with that kid at all times."
"Sam is Beth's dad. I want them to spend time together."
Beth had waited long enough for her dad to wake up. Mercedes didn't want to deprive her of any more time with her father. The problem wasn't Sam, it was Quinn. She should have known better than to try to see Beth, after all that happened in court and with CPS. What kind of mother would risk making things worse and potentially losing even more time with her child? Only someone whose sanity was in question would be so stupid.
"Fine let this be Sam's problem then. You need to just walk away. Give him back his daughter and you can finally distance yourself from him. Get that divorce like you wanted before the accident."
Mercedes tensed. She had threatened divorce so many times she doubted anyone was taking her seriously at this point. She was barely taking herself seriously, though she really wanted to. Life would be so much easier if she could let go of her relationship with Sam and move on, but Mercedes had learned early on that her life was never going to be easy. Practically begging Dwight for help with Quinn, swallowing her pride and showing her vulnerability was another step away from that easy life that a divorce could bring.
She had wanted to protect both Sam and Beth from Quinn and any ill effects of her lingering mental instability, but more than that she wanted Quinn safely out of reach, away from her family, back in her little cell upstate, so that she could reclaim her husband and her life. There was no hope of ever winning Sam's affections with Quinn right in town. It may have been a little underhanded to go behind his back after promising to help keep Quinn free, but it didn't feel like she had any other choices. For Mercedes her family was her life, and Quinn was a threat to all she loved.
"Dad no. I just can't walk away. Sam is still recovering, he's not even in his right mind, and Beth needs me."
"That baby is not your problem."
"Her name is Beth! She's named after Kurt's mother. Puck's aunt and your really good friend remember?"
Since the day they found out Beth was Sam's daughter and not Puck's, her father had not spoken Beth's name, only referring to her as "the baby" or "the girl". Mercedes hoped once her father's hurt had subsided, he would be able to see Beth as a person and not just the source of their shared pain. So far that had not happened. He seemed to be nursing old wounds despite his constant claims of being over it all.
"I know her name, though I'm surprised Quinn hasn't changed it by now."
"She doesn't want to change her name and I'm glad she doesn't. It is like a little piece of Puck is with her. Even though I never met Elizabeth Evans Hummel, I feel like I know her from all the stories, you, Kurt, Sam and Puck have told about her. I know you loved her like a sister, so in a way she feels like my aunt too. And that gives Beth a tie to our family."
Pulling the phone from her sweater pocket she scrolled to a picture of Beth, needing to see her face in that moment. She was such a sweet baby, with those chubby cheeks and dimples. Finding out she was Sam's had hurt her too. At first every time she saw Beth she ached for the babies she would probably never have with Sam. Beth felt like a sad reminder of all she had lost in her life and in her marriage. Then she smiled at her, and those dimples appeared on her face, and she knew right there that nothing would change how much she loved that little girl.
"But she's not our family. Quinn suckered us in and made us believe that Puck was going to have a daughter and our makeshift family would be expanding, but it was all lies. She's not a part of us," said Julian his pain very evident in his voice.
Remaining in her chair she watched her father pace the length of the room, dodging the twin sized beds that cluttered the area. "She's a part of me. It doesn't matter if we don't share DNA. I love her just the same. I loved her before she was born and I loved her even more after she came into this world. What I don't get is why you don't love her too? How can you just shut it off?"
Julian stopped, turning to toward her. Mercedes could see the tears rimming his dark eyes. "I can't allow myself to get attached to a baby that won't be a part of my life."
"She is a part of your life. I'm her stepmother. She lives with me, and I want her to know you daddy." She walked over and hugged him. "Beth could use all the love and good influences in her world she can get."
"Everything you are saying is true for right now, but it won't last, it can't. Sam is recovering, and Quinn is out of the hospital. It won't be long before they take their child back and start to make a family together, the three of them. And where will that leave you Mercedes?"
"You don't know that. Sam is married to me. That's not going to change."
"Oh Mercedes, you're lying to yourself." He kissed her on the top of her head before releasing her from his arms. "Where's Sam now? You just gave him a party and instead of being together you're at the hospital with your father? That doesn't seem like such a solid example of marriage."
"I told you he's with Quinn, finding out the truth. And once he knows it, everything will be different. He'll see her for who she really is and start making smart decisions."
"Smart decisions like staying married to you?" her father asked skeptically.
"Yes for one thing. He'll realize that Beth has a good life with me and all we need is for him to come home and be a part of it."
As much as she hated it, Dwight's deal with Sam gave her some leverage and bought her some time. Maybe once Sam took his focus from Quinn and put it on her he'd see what they were together in the past and what they could be now. Maybe he'd even stay with her. Sam had chosen her before, whisking them past dating and straight to marriage, it was possible he could do it again.
Julian shook his head as he sat back down at the table and resumed eating. "If only love relied on smart decisions, we'd all be a lot happier now. But you and I both know that when it comes to love, logic and smarts have nothing to do with it. The heart rules the head."
"I had Sam's heart once," she said staring down at her wedding rings.
Sam's love was etched in the band, a reminder of how she was a part of him, inside his soul. He may not remember right now, but he had given her clues that something was still there, from the way he looked at her in the hospital when they spent the night together, to the intensity of his kisses tonight at the party, to those fleeting memories that managed to break through and reveal themselves. Memories about their marriage, about their life together, Mercedes had to hold onto that, and believe that her Sam was still within the man that had come back from the coma.
"I know baby, but things have changed, for all of us. I think it is time for us to finally come to terms with that."
"You don't fool me. I think you aren't as removed from things as you want me to believe, or else you wouldn't be so interested in Quinn's lawyer or so emotional about Beth. You still care about her. Face it dad, your heart is still ruling your head too."
Suddenly quiet, her father lowered his head and concentrated on his food, leaving Mercedes to ponder the feelings he was trying so hard to deny.