The next month passed by in a blur. Remus was quiet for a few days after the confrontation, skulking uncertainly at the corner of the group and ducking his head during meals. Finally James and Sirius made certain that the ice got broken.
"What the hell did you do?"
Remus slid open the curtains to Sirius's bed to find both him and James sitting there, giggling. When they saw Remus they collapsed on top of each other, roaring with laughter.
Remus glared at them. "Fix it," he demanded.
"Oh, but Remus," Sirius said, wiping a tear from his eye, "you look so dashing."
"Simply spiffing," agreed James, and the two burst into laughter again.
Remus waited them out, still scowling. "Yes, ha-ha, very funny. Now fix it."
"But blue really is your color, Remus!" protested Sirius.
"I am not going to class with blue hair, Sirius," Remus snarled. He jabbed his finger at his hair, which was bright turquoise. "Fix. It."
Eventually James and Sirius did fix it, but only because Remus threatened to not check their homework for the rest of the year. At breakfast they lamented over the fact that no one had witnessed them actually getting one over on Remus Lupin- which was indeed a rare occurrence- while Remus just rolled his eyes and stabbed at his porridge.
"Children," he said simply. "I'm friends with a pair of children."
James and Sirius protested, but they shared a victory high-five under the table. Remus was back to normal.
After that Remus was happier than he had ever been. His place in the group reaffirmed- at least for the next month- and his secret out in the open, Remus felt lighter and more carefree than he ever had before.
That all changed two days before the full moon.
Remus could feel it approaching. His joints started to ache, his head started to hurt, and his temper shortened. Whereas before he had forced himself to hide it by clamping his mouth shut and going silent whenever he felt his temper heat up, now a reckless disregard seized him every time Sirius, James, or Peter made a stupid comment or slacked off on yet another homework assignment.
"I'm done studying," Sirius announced, shutting his History of Magic textbook.
Remus shut his eyes, trying to quell the headache building in his temples. It was the night before the full moon, and he felt especially aggravated this month for some reason. He expected that some reason was James and Sirius's blatant disregard for their own education. "We just started," he said through gritted teeth.
"Sirius is right," James said, shutting his book as well. Peter quickly followed suit. "Besides, we have all weekend to study."
A part of Remus realized that, yes, James was right; it was Friday night, they did have the whole weekend.
But another part of Remus was really pissed off right now. He didn't have all weekend; he'd be in the hospital wing for most of it. And while he knew it wasn't right to make his friends do anything just for him, heat surged into his face as his temper soared.
"We need to get a head start," he said, forcing his voice to remain calm. "We have that huge exam on Monday and-"
"I know it all," Sirius said dismissively.
"You fall asleep in every class," Remus said, clutching the arm of his chair.
"To soak in the knowledge," James said, nodding sagely. "Besides, we don't need to take notes. You already take awesome ones."
Remus shut his own book sharply. His three friends jumped at the sound and turned to him, surprised.
"If you all want to throw your grades away, that's fine by me," Remus snapped at them. "But you can stop counting on my notes and help to get you through. You can fail, for all I care." He stood up and marched away, his fists clenched tightly.
James watched him go, his mouth slightly ajar. "Uh, what?" he asked. He could count the number of times Remus had gotten irritated on one hand.
"What was he so mad about?" Peter asked. His cheeks were bright red, partly from the heat of the fire and partly from the confrontation.
Sirius smacked his forehead. "Of course! Tomorrow's the full moon!"
"Keep your voice down," James muttered, glancing around, but the closest people to them were a group of fifth grade girls giggling together. "What does that have to do with it?"
"Werewolves have a bunch of symptoms a few days before the full moon," Sirius whispered. "Headaches, stomach pains, fevers, colds, aching, and mood swings."
"You sound like a textbook," said James.
Sirius shivered. "Never say that again."
"So you're saying Remus is having mood swings?" James asked. He made a face. "That would have been nice to know."
"Yeah," agreed Sirius. "Let's just… go easy on him. It's not his fault."
They stayed down in the common room a while longer to give Remus time to cool off. When they returned to their dorm, the curtains were closed around Remus's bed. They got ready as quietly as they could and went to bed without saying goodnight to each other.
Remus, who had indeed snapped out of his mood as soon as he had gotten to privacy, was curled up in the center of his bed listening to his friends get ready for bed. He drew his knees to his chest, shame flooding him. He hadn't meant to snap at him. They probably hated him now. And then tomorrow they would realize what a monster he was when he left for the Whomping Willow, and that would be the end of his belonging.
Remus hugged his legs closer to his chest as someone turned the lights off.
He didn't get a lot of sleep that night.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Remus felt terrible when he woke up.
He sat up too quickly and got dizzy, and had to sit with his head between his knees for a few minutes until the world stopped spinning. When it finally did, he peeled back his blankets, which were sticky with sweat, and slowly slid aside his curtains. As soon as some light got through he moaned and fell back against his pillows, squeezing his eyes shut against his sudden headache.
After a while he worked up the courage to slide the curtains back a bit more and blink through the light. When his eyes adjusted, he saw Sirius on the bed next to him, perusing one of the werewolf books he had been reading all month.
"Morning," he said without looking over at him. He was already fully dressed. "We nicked you some breakfast."
Confused, Remus looked over at his bedside table and saw a plate of food and a mug of hot chocolate sitting there. His stomach squirmed at the idea of eating, but he was touched by the thought of it.
"Thanks," he muttered, slowly sliding his feet over the edge of his bed. "Where are James and Peter?"
"Peter wanted to ask a question about the Transfiguration exam on Tuesday, and since you weren't awake James had to go with him."
Remus frowned. "What time is it?"
"Almost eleven, I think."
"Almost- why'd you let me sleep so late?"
Sirius raised his eyebrows, finally looking over at him. "You need all the sleep you can get, don't you? How are you feeling, anyways?"
The events of last night came flooding back to Remus, and his cheeks colored with shame. "Fine," he muttered. "Listen, about last night-"
"Apology accepted," Sirius said. He grinned. "Eat up; that hot chocolate isn't getting any hotter."
Remus slid back into bed gratefully, took a few sips of his hot chocolate, and tried to force himself to eat some of his food to no avail. He set the plate back down, his stomach turning, and laid back against his pillow.
Sirius eyed the plate. "You need to eat," he said.
"I can't."
"And why not?"
"I never can," Remus muttered. "Not before…"
Understanding crossed Sirius's face. He forced a smile. "Alright, then; it's there if you want it later."
Remus made a non-committing noise and crossed his arms over his stomach, shutting his eyes for a little bit.
For a few minutes the atmosphere of the dormitory was peaceful. It was silent except for the sound of Sirius's breathing and the faint rustling of turning pages, which happened to be one of Remus's favorite sounds. He let himself relax, and was just drifting off into sleep again when-
BANG. The door shot open and Remus sat up, startled, dizziness shooting through him.
"I told you you're going to do fine, Peter," James said, marching over to his bed. He rolled his eyes as he fell back on the covers. "McGonagall said all you have to know is the switching spell for-"
"What if she was lying?" Peter squeaked, hurrying into the room after him. He was clutching his transfiguration book and a pile of notes Remus recognized as his own. "What if she's just trying to see if I've really been paying attention in class?"
"And have you?" James asked.
"I've been trying!" Peter wailed. The sound grated at Remus's ears and he winced, rubbing his aching head. "It's hard, I just get so confused in that class, and-"
"Do you two mind?" Sirius snapped. They looked at him, surprised, and he nodded at Remus, who was massaging his temples.
"Remus!" James said, brightening. "How do you feel, mate?"
"He feels terrible," Sirius answered before Remus could say anything, "and you two barging in here screaming isn't doing anything to help him."
James and Peter looked ashamed. Remus quickly shook his head. "No, I'm fine, Sirius, really. Can I help you with anything, Peter?"
Peter's face lit up. He scurried over and dropped the pile of notes on Remus's bed, and Remus sighed inwardly when he saw how crumpled they were. He would have to recopy them later.
"I just can't get a grasp on how to turn inanimate objects into animate ones," Peter said, his voice anxious. "I know you said that you have to have an idea of the characteristics you want the object to take on, so I've made lists of ideas, of course-" He fished a page of notes out of the pile and scanned it, his eyebrows furrowed. "And you said here that your wand movement should be-"
"Peter," Remus said, reaching out and taking the paper from him. He smiled, trying to calm his anxious friend down. "You're going about this all the wrong way. I know McGonagall has a way of making everything seem technical- and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, of course- but that's not the only important thing. Giving something life is a really intimate process. You can't just rely on lists and wand movements. You have to really feel it. You have to forge a connection between yourself and the object, and let it tell you what it wants to be and how you can make it happen."
"But how?" Peter looked even more anxious than before.
"The next time that you perform the spell," Remus said, "shut your eyes for a moment before. Hold the object. Get to know it. Think about what you want it to be- ignore your lists. It will come to you. And then, when you're calm and feel you know the object well enough to make it come alive, perform the spell."
"But I'm just not good enough to-"
"You're great at Transfiguration, Peter," Remus assured him. "You just need to take a step back and relax sometimes."
Peter looked down at the notes in his hands and then back at Remus. He was smiling hesitantly. "Okay," he said. He nodded, looking more determined. "Okay. I'll try that. Thanks, Remus."
He gathered up the notes into a neat pile and set them on Remus's bedside table as Remus sat back against his pillows, drained after the lecture but glad he could help his friend. He glanced over to find both James and Sirius watching him, eyebrows raised.
"What?" he asked wearily.
"Nothing," James said. "I'm just rethinking everything I know about Transfiguration- and that's a lot."
"Merlin, Remus, ever thought about being a professor?" Sirius asked.
Remus frowned. "Huh?"
"That was brilliant!" James said. He pushed his glasses up higher on his nose, looking excited. "I hadn't thought about it like that before, but it makes sense. I'm always trying to make everything so technically perfect, and although I'm good at Transfiguration, it always feels a bit forced. Those were great tips."
Remus shrugged, flushing. "It wasn't anything big," he muttered.
"I still think you'd be an awesome professor," Sirius insisted. "If you can teach Peter, you can teach anyone."
Peter ducked his head, and Remus threw a sharp look at Sirius. "Sirius," he said warningly, always uncomfortable when they picked on their meekest member.
"You've even got the McGonagall tone!" Sirius said, un-phased.
Remus looked down at his blanket. "I couldn't be a professor," he said quietly.
"Why not?" asked James. "You'd be much better than half the teachers here- hey, maybe you can replace Binns!"
"Binns will never leave," Sirius said, shaking his head. "I've resigned myself to that. Besides, that subject is too boring for Remus. He's got to teach something exciting, like- like Defense Against the Dark Arts!"
Remus stared at him. "Me? Teach Defense Against the Dark Arts?"
"Why is that so strange?"
Remus gritted his teeth. "That class is about defending against dark things."
"And?"
"I'm a dark thing!"
"You're a teenager, Remus, and no matter what my mother says, we're not all dark creatures," Sirius said, flipping a page in his book.
"Sirius, that's not what I- ugh," Remus said, putting his head in his hands. His friends' nonchalance about his condition had been conflicting Remus all month, and now it was just adding to his headache.
"You'd be an awesome professor, Remus," James insisted, sprawling back on his bed and shutting his eyes.
"You would," Peter piped up. "Without you I wouldn't have even passed first year."
"That's very true," said Sirius.
"People don't want to be taught by a werewolf," Remus muttered, so quietly he was sure his friends wouldn't hear.
He was mistaken. They all turned to him. Sirius was glaring. Remus shrunk away, his cheeks hot.
"Would you stop with that?" Sirius demanded. "I thought you got over this weeks ago! Don't you realize it doesn't matter that you've got a little condition?"
"Maybe not to my idiotic friends, but it matters to the rest of the world!" Remus snapped. When he realized what he had said, he was horrified with himself. He clutched the blankets, looking down. "I'm- I'm sorry."
"You should be," Sirius said. Remus looked up, surprised, to find Sirius still glaring at him. "You're more than just a werewolf, Lupin, and I don't want to hear you pitying yourself anymore, alright?"
Remus twisted his blanket around his fingers and didn't respond.
"Alright?"
"Alright," Remus muttered.
Sirius looked pleased. He shut his book. "Good. Now, what's the plan for today?"
"The plan?"
"For the full moon," Sirius said patiently. "What do you normally do?"
It felt strange for it all to be out in the open like this. Remus hesitated. "Well, it's the weekend, so I won't be missing any classes. Normally I would sneak over to the hospital wing at lunch."
"What do you do in the hospital wing?" James asked.
Remus shrugged. "Try to get some sleep, I guess. Madam Pomfrey and I go to the Whomping Willow about an hour before-" He couldn't finish the sentence. Shame flooded through him, but his friends didn't seem to notice.
"You just sit in there?" Sirius asked, frowning. "That's boring. We'll have to fix that."
"What?" Remus asked.
Sirius waved him off. "Do you want to go now? Madam Pomfrey has stuff that makes you feel better, right?"
"Oh, no, I'm okay," Remus said, pulling his blanket higher over him. That was a lie, of course; he felt dreadful. But the idea of going to the hospital wing and staying there all day, alone, wasn't very appealing right now, not when his friends were being so supportive.
James frowned. He hopped out of bed and walked over to Remus, putting a hand on his forehead. "You're warm," he said. At his friends' looks, he shrugged. "That's what my Mum does when I'm sick. You have a fever, Remus, you ought to go see Pomfrey."
Remus shook his head. "No, I'm-" And then he started coughing. James grabbed his shoulders and braced him while he heaved, his throat aching. When he finished he fell back against the pillows, sapped of energy. "Maybe I should go," he admitted weakly.
He didn't need to say another word. His friends bustled around, helping him put on his shoes and sit up in bed. Remus's cheeks felt hot, but he couldn't tell if that was from embarrassment or the fever. He felt like an invalid, being helped like this, but he didn't have the strength to protest.
"Could you put my textbooks in my bag?" he asked as Sirius helped him stand.
James waved him off. "We can just grab you what you need when you want it. Right now, let's get you to the hospital wing."
It was weird knowing that his friends would be able to get him things while he was immobilized. Remus shook the thought off and let go of Sirius, who was holding his arm as though afraid he would fall apart if left alone. "I'm fine," he said, trying to grin at him. Sirius didn't look convinced, but backed off.
The three of them walked close to Remus as they exited the dormitory. They were quite a sight marching through the common room, their pace slow to match Remus's shuffling. They were arranged in a very protective formation around him, Sirius and James on either side and Peter directly behind, ready in case he toppled backwards. If Remus wasn't seeing spots every time he moved his head, he might have been amused.
They took the long way around on Remus's insistence. "It's less crowded," he said. "Less people to see."
Halfway there he tripped. Three pairs of hands reached out to catch him. He steadied himself and looked over at Sirius, who had an arm wrapped around him, and then at James, whose hand was tight on his arm. "Sorry," he mumbled.
"Remus, I swear to god, stop apologizing," Sirius said.
"Sorry," Remus said again. Then he bit his lip, realizing what he had done.
They were all silent for a few seconds. Then they all burst into laughter.
Sirius kept a firm hold on Remus even as he doubled over, and Remus was quite grateful, because he would have toppled to the ground without the support. His sides ached as he laughed, but it was a good ache, and so unnatural a few hours before the full moon it made his other symptoms hesitate, and after they had managed to collect themselves enough to keep walking he felt much stronger than before.
They reached the hospital wing and Remus made them stop so he could knock. He pushed open the door when they heard a faint, "Come in!"
The hospital wing was empty again, and Remus was grateful for that. Madam Pomfrey was making a bed in the corner. When she saw Remus she dropped the sheets and hurried over.
"You're early!" she said, surprised. "I wasn't expecting you. Are you alright, dear?"
"I'm fine," Remus said, letting her bustle him over to a bed. He sat down and took off his shoes, dropping them beside him.
His friends followed him, closing the door behind them. Both Madam Pomfrey and Remus frowned at them.
"What are you doing?" they asked at the same time.
James looked amused. "We're looking for some chairs so we can sit with Remus," he said, looking around the room. "You haven't got any to spare, do you, Madam P?"
Madam Pomfrey looked as bewildered as Remus felt. Remus stared at Sirius, who met his eyes and winked.
"Remus needs his rest!" Madam Pomfrey said. "He doesn't need you three hanging around causing trouble. Get out!"
"But, Madam-"
"No, I won't hear of it! Go on, now, run along!"
She started hustling the three boys over to the door. James and Sirius were trying to protest, and Peter looked terrified of the matron, who was puffing up like an irritated mother hen the more they fought back.
"Madam Pomfrey."
All of them froze and turned to look at Remus, who was watching from his bed. He was frowning, still staring at Sirius as though he had never seen him before.
"I'd like them to stay," he said quietly.
Madam Pomfrey was taken aback. "You do?"
Remus nodded slowly.
The matron looked from her patient and then to James and Sirius, who looked smug. There was a confused sort of frown on her face. "Well, I- I really don't think-"
"Please?" Remus asked, smiling hopefully at her.
Seeing him smile before the full moon was so foreign to Madam Pomfrey she caved in immediately. "Well, alright," she said, still doubtful. She rounded on the three boys, whose victorious smiles dripped off their faces at the sight of her expression. "You three will behave yourselves. You will be quiet and respectful and not excite Remus in the slightest. When I ask you to leave, you will leave without any arguments. Do I make myself understood?"
"Yes, Madam Pomfrey," James, Sirius, and Peter said together.
The matron humphed, looked at Remus again, then marched back to her office, shaking her head and muttering to herself. She slammed the door shut behind her.
James, Sirius, and Peter walked over to Remus's bed. James and Peter grabbed chairs from the other side of the room and dragged them over while Sirius threw himself across the foot of Remus's bed, stretching out like he owned it.
"Fussy one, isn't she?" he asked, running his fingers through his hair and tipping his head back.
Remus shook his head wordlessly as James and Peter settled into their seats on either side of him. "What are you guys doing?"
"We're saving you from utter boredom!" James said. "We're also going to stop you from doing any homework, because it's a Saturday and even you need to have standards. Are you up for a game of chess?"
"We could play Exploding Snap," Peter piped up.
Remus was still confused. "But it's Saturday," he said. "You don't have to-"
"We know we don't have to, we want to," Sirius said. "Is it so hard to accept the fact that we want to keep you company?"
"Yeah, you're not going to get rid of us just because you're a little off-color," James said, grinning. "We're your lovable little parasites."
"That has to be the weirdest sentence I've ever heard you say," Sirius said with a grimace.
Remus tried to say something, but no words were coming out. Gratitude- inexpressible gratitude- welled up inside of him, making it hard to speak. He finally smiled and relaxed back against his pillows, relishing in the comfort of companionship.
In the end they didn't play anything at all. Instead they talked and messed around the whole day. James and Peter made several candy runs, sneaking back from their dorm with pockets full of chocolate illegal to the hospital wing. Remus even managed to eat a few. Sirius never left, but stayed stretched out on the end of Remus's bed, his legs sprawled across his bed-ridden friend, who was upbeat enough to laugh and joke along with them. James ducked out at lunch and came back with plates for the three of them, and they ate without ever leaving Remus's side.
Madam Pomfrey came out several times with different rounds of potions, ready to kick the boys out, but each time Remus's laughter made her stop. He rarely even smiled before the full moon- and that in itself was enough to make her hold her tongue, despite how much she disapproved of the whole situation. If they did anything to make him more comfortable, who was she to stop them?
Two hours before the full moon Remus lost the strength to continue joking. He sat back against his pillows, pale against the stark white sheets, and closed his eyes, listening to his friends continuing to banter around him. His head swam, and every movement made him grimace in pain. The weight of Sirius's legs over his own suddenly made him feel suffocated, but he didn't have the heart to tell him to move.
As he grew weaker and weaker, James and Peter's jokes started to falter. After a particularly long period of silence Remus cracked his eyes open to see them both staring at him, their eyes wide. Remus shut his eyes again, afraid to see disgust cross their faces. Oh, why had he let them stay?
James's voice was hardly above a whisper, but Remus heard him nevertheless. "I can't do this," he muttered to Sirius. "I'm going to head out."
There was a rustling noise and Remus felt someone gently grab his arm. He opened his eyes and blinked unsteadily up at James, squinting to make out his face in the light.
"Hey, uh- good luck tonight," he said awkwardly, clearly uncertain of what to say. "I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"
Remus nodded with difficulty. "Thanks," he said, his voice raspy.
James clenched his jaw and nodded once before turning and leaving. Peter offered Remus his own sentiments, squeezing his hand lightly before following James.
Remus waited for Sirius to leave, too, but the other boy just readjusted himself so his head was hanging upside-down off the side of the bed.
"Whoa," he said. "Head rush."
"Sirius?" Remus asked.
"Hm?"
"Aren't you going to…"
Sirius sat up and winced. "Ouch," he said, rubbing his head. "Too fast." He shook his head then turned to Remus. "What were you saying?"
Remus looked down at his sheets. "James and Peter left," he mumbled.
Sirius waved him off. "They just wanted to go get dinner."
"You don't have to lie for them," Remus said. His heart twisted uncomfortably. "I heard James."
Sirius frowned at him. "Remus, don't take that personally. It isn't what it sounded like. James just… it's hard, you know? Seeing you like this. He just couldn't bear to watch you in pain anymore."
"I'm not in pain."
"You know, you don't have to lie, either," Sirius said. He grinned and knocked Remus's arm with his elbow. "Cheer up, Remy. Do you want anything? Chocolate? More blankets?"
Remus shook his head, sliding lower in bed. "I'm fine. Thanks, Sirius."
"Don't mention it." Sirius flipped over so he was lying on his stomach and rested his chin on his fists. "Actually, do mention it. If you wanted to let it slip to some of those third year Hufflepuff girls what a great friend and how wonderfully devoted I am-"
Remus laughed softly and shut his eyes. His head was pounding, but he felt better knowing he wasn't alone.
After a few minutes of silence, he said, "I'm sorry I'm not very good company right now."
"Ah, you're always good company, Remus. Why do you think we're friends with you?"
"I figured it was pity," Remus said with a weak smile.
Sirius sat up and frowned sharply. "That's a joke, right?"
Remus blinked. "Uh… yes?"
Sirius narrowed his eyes. "No, it isn't. What do you mean, you think it's pity?"
Remus shifted, suddenly uncomfortable. He hadn't thought Sirius would take him seriously; he had just been trying to match Sirius's banter. "I was just joking, Sirius, really."
"Remus, I've lived with you for nearly two years. I can tell when you're joking. What do you mean by pity?"
"Sirius-"
"Remus."
Remus stared down at his hands, suddenly fascinated with his nails. "I don't want to talk about it, Sirius."
"Remus-"
"Please, Sirius."
Sirius frowned but relented. "Fine," he said. "But you and I are going to talk once you feel better."
Remus didn't have the strength to respond, but was saved when Madam Pomfrey came bustling out of her office.
"I must insist that you leave right now, Mr. Black," she said firmly, crossing her arms. "No arguing."
Sirius grinned at her. "I'll go, Madam. Can I just have a minute alone with Remus?"
Madam Pomfrey threw her hands up in exasperation. "I've already broken all my own rules today, haven't I? Oh, go ahead, but when I come back you are leaving."
She marched back into her office, leaving the two boys alone.
Sirius slid off the bed and straightened his robes. "Well, I guess I have to finally leave," he said, grinning down at Remus.
Remus tried to smile back, but he was so exhausted and sore he could barely manage it. "Thank you, Sirius," he said quietly. "For staying."
"Did it help at all?" Sirius asked, and he looked so earnest Remus found the strength to really smile.
"Yes, it did," he said. "It means a lot."
"Then I'll do it every time," he promised. He reached down and gave Remus's shoulder a light squeeze. "No matter what happens tonight… you'll still have us, you know that, right? Me and James and Peter- we'll be here as soon as the sun rises."
Remus felt tears well up in his eyes, but he repressed them. He knew emotional things made Sirius uncomfortable. He contented himself with a grin. "Okay," he said.
Madam Pomfrey threw open her door. "Mr. Black, get out of here!"
Sirius threw his hands up in surrender, winked at Remus, then marched out the door. Madam Pomfrey slammed it shut behind him.
"Those boys," she huffed, walking over to Remus's bed and pulling a potions vial out of her pocket. She pushed it to his lips and he obligingly drank. "I'm surprised my hospital wing is still standing after having them in here all day."
Remus swallowed the ghastly potion. "Thank you for letting them stay, Madam," he said quietly.
Madam Pomfrey's face softened. "Oh, anything for you, Remus, dear," she said, patting his cheek. "As long as they behave themselves, it's worth it to see you smiling. Now then, are you ready to go?"
She helped Remus out of bed and into his shoes. Every movement sent pain coursing through his tensed muscles and his groaning joints, which were all preparing to be stretched and broken in less than an hour's time. When she had him sufficiently bundled, Madam Pomfrey wrapped an arm around Remus's shoulder and helped guide him to the door.
It was a quick and chilly walk to the Whomping Willow, but Remus's mind was back inside the warm castle with his friends. What were they doing right now? Eating dinner? He wished, more than anything, that he was in there with them right now.
Madam Pomfrey said goodbye to him at the tunnel and left him to make the damp trek alone, but still, he kept his thoughts on his friends. He remembered some stupid joke that James had made earlier and felt a small smile cross his face as he pushed open the trapdoor and climbed into the house, shutting it firmly behind him.
Dread started washing over Remus now that he was inside the depressing, dark house, the reality of what was about to happen hitting him. Remus grit his teeth against the pain as he shimmied out of his robes and folded them up neatly, laying them in a cupboard off to the side. When he had stripped down he sat with his back to the wall, pressing himself into a shielded corner as if that would somehow stop what was about to happen.
Remus squeezed his eyes shut as tremors started wracking his body. It was starting. And suddenly terrible images leapt to his mind- his friends hearing him howling and deciding they had been mistaken, they didn't really want to be his friend anymore- the wolf breaking out and roaming the grounds- himself prowling the corridors and somehow finding his way to Gryffindor tower, retracing his familiar steps to his dormitory-
Remus let out a faint sob, shaking his head, and different words floated into his mind even as pain shot through his legs and arms and midsection. No matter what happens tonight… you'll still have us, you know that, right? Me and James and Peter- we'll be here as soon as the sun rises.
Remus would have smiled if he wasn't doubled over in pain, already clawing at the floor as his hands started lengthening. It was the last thought he had before he lost control of his mind.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Remus woke up to the sound of wind whistling through the trees. Through his sleep-filled daze he felt a small smile cross his face. He liked trees. And he liked wind. Although he didn't really like being outside much. Since when did he sleep outside?
He tried to move, but his arms were weighed down by something. The wind was becoming sporadic, coming in short bursts now. He felt his eyelids twitching, struggling to open, and as he came to he heard someone cough next to him. The ground beneath him was spongy and not at all outdoorsy.
Remus forced his eyes open, confused. All he could see was white. He waited for several seconds, blinking up, until the room came into focus. He was in the hospital wing. He glanced down at his body to see he was covered in several thick blankets. He frowned. Where had the wind come from?
Taking a deep breath through his nose, Remus twisted his head to the side to see a figure sitting in the seat next to his bed. Their feet were kicked up onto his mattress, tipping the chair back leisurely. They were flipping through the pages of a book, stopping to skim every once in a while. That had been the sound Remus had mistaken for wind.
The book lowered slightly and Remus saw grey eyes look down at him. They crinkled at the corners as their owner smiled.
"Morning," Sirius said, lowering the book. "About time you woke up. It was getting dreadfully boring just sitting here staring at you."
Remus's lips were too dry to even consider opening. He tried to move, but pain shot through his arms and he winced, falling back on the mattress.
Sirius grimaced. "Yeah, Pomfrey said not to move. You broke your arm last night. How'd you do that?"
Remus tried to move his right arm and found that it was wrapped in thick bandages. He rubbed his eyes with his left hand, his senses starting to come back to him. He was sore all over. He felt another bandage on his cheek, and when he tried to move his right foot pain shot through his ankle. Sprained, it felt like. He licked his lips, which were cracked and dry.
"Here," Sirius said, grabbing a glass of water off the bedside table and holding it out. He took one look at Remus's arms and then slid his own under Remus's back, awkwardly trying to lift him up so he could drink. They barely managed it, and when Remus had drunk half the glass he shut his lips and turned away, his stomach rolling. Sirius lowered him back down.
"That went better than expected!" he said brightly.
"What time is it?" Remus asked, his voice harsh and crackly.
"About ten in the morning," Sirius said. "Let me tell you, trying to get in here was one of the most difficult things we've ever done. Pomfrey had it locked up tight. Finally she took a loo break and we used Alohamora to break in, and when she saw us sitting here she couldn't very well tell us that you weren't here. I'm pretty sure she knows that we know, but I don't care as long as she lets us stay. Might be better this way, actually."
Remus frowned. "We?"
"Oh, yeah, James and Peter were here, too, but they left about twenty minutes ago. James had Quidditch practice and you know him- always needs an audience, so Peter went to stoke his ego. They should be back in a few hours, or as soon as the pitch is cleared of any and all girls." He rolled his eyes.
Remus coughed, the motion raking across his sore throat. "Why are- why are you here?"
Sirius frowned. "One of my best mates is lying in a hospital bed- where else would I be?"
"It's Sunday," Remus said. "That's the entire weekend you'll be wasting keeping me company."
Sirius raised his eyebrows. "It's not wasting, stupid. There'll be plenty more weekends to come. Now, Pomfrey told me to fetch her as soon as you woke because she has some potions to give you." He set the book he had been reading on the bedside table and got to his feet. Remus glanced at it and found it was another werewolf book. He grimaced.
"Sirius, why are you still reading those?"
"Light reading," Sirius said, turning away.
"Sirius-"
"I'm just trying to learn a bit more, okay? Relax, you'll hurt yourself if you keep worrying." He winked over his shoulder and marched off to Madam Pomfrey's closed office door.
A moment later the matron was at Remus's bedside with a tray of potions. "Goodmorning, dear," she said, setting it down on top of the book. Remus watched it teeter with a frown. "How do you feel?"
"Fine, Madam." Sirius was standing behind Madam Pomfrey, watching curiously as she started uncorking vials and holding them up to Remus's lips, listing them as she went like she always did. She knew Remus liked to know what she was doing.
"Blood replenishing," she murmured. "Bone strengthening, for your arm…Skelegrow… a bit of pain-reliever- don't look at me like that, dear, you've never once told me you're in pain and I know that's not true at all, drink up-"
Remus flushed as he gulped down the foul potion, aware that Sirius was still watching behind the matron's back.
"Let's see that ankle, now, dear," Madam Pomfrey said. She reached for his blankets to pull them down then stopped, looking over her shoulder as though just realizing Sirius was still there. "Off you go, Mr. Black, this is none of your business."
Sirius looked ready to protest, and Remus, afraid his friend would say something stupid, said, "It's alright, Madam, really. I don't mind."
Madam Pomfrey narrowed her eyes at him and Remus fidgeted, uncomfortable. Then she sighed and drew back the covers, muttering something about 'privacy' and 'foolish, nosy teenagers'.
Remus was only wearing a pair of boxers underneath the blankets, but his attention was immediately drawn to his ankle. He found that he had been wrong about it; it wasn't sprained, it was just torn to shreds. His stomach turned over and he immediately looked at Sirius, who was staring down at it with wide eyes. He should have left.
"You did a fair bit of damage to it," Madam Pomfrey said, pulling out her wand. "Nothing that can't be healed, of course, but you'll have a few more scars." Her expression softened and she laid a gentle hand on Remus's leg, right above the ankle, as though to hold it down. "This will hurt, dear," she said, "but it'll be over soon."
She started on the healing, and fresh pain shot through Remus's leg. His ankle was uncomfortably warm, and he turned away, unable to look as the skin started knitting itself back together, covering the bones. He gave a sharp intake of breath as his back arched, sending a fresh wave of aching through his arm as well. He squeezed his eyes shut, biting his lips to repress a moan of pain.
Something gripped his hand. He wrenched his eyes open to see Sirius standing there, his face pale and drawn. He was holding onto Remus's hand, which was clenched tight on his blanket. Remus immediately gripped onto his friend's fingers and squeezed as his ankle continued to burn, the pain completely taking over his mind until the only thing anchoring him was Sirius's grip. He was certain that he must be crushing Sirius's fingers, but it was physically impossible for him to lessen his grip, and Sirius was gripping just as hard back.
And then Madam Pomfrey's chants stopped and his ankle went numb, the pain rushing out. Remus's entire body went limp as he fell back against the mattress, soaking wet with sweat and breathing heavily. He felt bandages being wrapped around his ankle, which he knew was only half-healed. Werewolf wounds couldn't be healed all the way with magic.
"Is he alright?" Sirius's voice was tense.
"He's fine, Mr. Black," Madam Pomfrey said. Remus felt her tie off the bandage. "He just needs some rest now."
"Alright," Sirius said, though he sounded uncertain. "I'll just read my book."
Madam Pomfrey made a strange noise in the back of her throat- it sounded like exasperation. She didn't protest, however, and a moment later Remus heard her office door shut.
Remus was still panting. Madam Pomfrey hadn't drawn the blankets back over him, and Remus was grateful; he was hot all over, and although the pain reliever was starting to kick in, his arm and ankle still hurt. He felt his face contort with pain as he shifted his head, trying to find a position that hurt less than the others.
He heard Sirius sit down in the chair next to him.
"Remus?" he asked hesitantly.
"Yeah?" Remus asked.
"You alright?"
"I'm fine."
Sirius made a sound that sounded eerily like Madam Pomfrey's had. "She's right, you never say when you're in pain. Can I get you anything?"
Remus shook his head, feeling himself starting to relax. He realized dimly that Madam Pomfrey had probably slipped some Dreamless Sleep potion into one of the vials, because it was getting harder and harder to focus.
"Sirius?" he hummed.
"Yes?"
"Thanks."
There was a beat of silence. "You're welcome."
"Hmm."
Everything went dark.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
When Remus woke up again he was alone. Sirius's book was still lying on the bedside table, but the chair next to him was empty. Someone had drawn the covers back over him. Remus blinked, confused; he felt much stronger than he had when he had woken up the first time.
As he was getting his bearings, the door opened and Peter walked in. He froze when he saw Remus was awake. Then a hesitant smile slid across his face.
"Hi Remus," he said quietly, walking over.
"Hi Peter," Remus said, his voice still rough but less warped than before. He managed to push himself up in bed using his left arm. Madam Pomfrey must have done something to his other arm, because it hurt less to move it now and he had fresh bandages. "What time is it?"
"After dinner," Peter said. "James missed it because he was sitting with you so he and Sirius snuck down to the kitchens. I wasn't hungry so I decided to come up and see if you were awake." A sheepish smile spread across his face. "I didn't think you really would be. Madam Pomfrey said you might not wake up until tomorrow."
Remus returned the smile. Peter walked around the bed and sat down in Sirius's vacated seat, his toes barely brushing the floor.
"How do you feel?" he asked.
"Better," Remus said truthfully.
Peter raised his eyebrows. "Sirius said if you said you were fine, you were probably lying."
Remus rolled his eyes. "Sirius is an idiot. I really do feel better, Peter. Not totally fine, but better."
Peter smiled. "That's good." His eyes lit up. "Hey, I tried that Transfiguration trick you taught me, and it worked! My cup still couldn't move but it did this little dance, kind of a hula type thing- I think I'll be able to perfect it by the exam tomorrow!"
Remus grinned. "That's fantastic! I knew you could do it."
"You were the only one," said Peter.
Remus waved him off. "Sirius and James tease you, Peter, but they don't really mean it. You're smart; you just need to channel your focus."
"Ah, Professor Remus is back."
Both of them turned to see James and Sirius enter. James had a handful of biscuits, and Sirius was sipping a glass of pumpkin juice.
"Welcome back to the land of the living, Remy," James said, grinning at him. "Biscuit?"
"I'm alright," Remus said, returning the smile.
James sat cross legged at the bottom of the bed while Sirius flopped on the bed next to Remus, stretching out with a groan. "I'm exhausted," he said. He glanced over at Remus. "You look better."
"I feel better."
"I'm glad my presence strengthened you," James said, patting Remus's uninjured ankle and spraying crumbs all over the bedsheet.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "He was unconscious when you were here, you twit."
"He could sense my presence!"
"That's probably why he stayed unconscious."
"You know what, Black-"
"Thank you guys for coming," Remus broke in before they could start arguing. He looked around at each of them in turn, trying to convey his gratitude. "It means a lot."
James waved him off. "Don't mention it, mate." He popped another biscuit in his mouth. "How long until you're released?"
Remus hesitated, glancing down at his bandaged arm. "Probably not until tomorrow night- if I'm lucky. You'll have to take notes for me."
Sirius sighed heavily. "You're lucky we're such good friends, because taking notes is a right bore."
"It will also make sure you pay attention, and maybe then you'll pass the class," Remus pointed out.
"We always pass!" James said. At Peter's imploring look, he rolled his eyes and handed over his last cookie. "Oh, alright; next time, come with us."
"I don't know why you're so concerned about us passing," Sirius said. "If you all failed I'd be delighted, because then I'd be a year ahead of you and I'd be older than all of you."
"I don't think you understand the concept of birthdays, Sirius," Remus said dryly.
"I don't want to fail!" Peter squeaked, looking up from his half-finished cookie. "My mum would kill me!"
"So would my mum," agreed James. He reached over and nudged Sirius with his foot. "She'd kill you, too, you know. We'd be dead men."
Sirius shivered. "The wrath of Mrs. Potter. Not something I'd like to face."
They talked for the rest of the evening until Madam Pomfrey finally kicked them out at six. They all said goodbye to Remus and then left, joking and jostling each other on the way out.
Remus pulled the covers further up over him. He thought he would enjoy the first peace and quiet he'd gotten all day- not counting the times he'd been unconscious- but the hospital wing felt big and empty without his friends there messing around. He sighed, trying to repress the sudden wave of loneliness. He had gotten through every full moon up until now without any company; he could stand one night.
He managed to drift into an uneasy sleep, waking up every fifteen minutes and groaning before trying to shut his eyes again. Around eight Madam Pomfrey checked on him one last time before turning in for the night.
The ward was pitch black except for the white light of the moon streaming in through the windows. It fell across the room in blocks, stretching and squirming as it tried to fill every inch of it. Remus's eyes were fixed on it. It was taunting him; you're mine, it seemed to say. Even when Remus was safely locked away inside the castle, it could get at him.
He tugged his knees to his chest when the light crept onto the bottom of his bed, ignoring the pain in his ankle and arm. A wave of helplessness and disgust at himself for being so afraid of some stupid light ran through him like a bolt of electricity and he let out a shaky half-sob. He immediately clapped his hand over his mouth, not wanting to wake Madam Pomfrey, but he couldn't help the tears that were welling up in his eyes. And still the moon kept creeping across his bed, creeping around the whole room.
You're mine. You're mine. You're mine. You're-
The door opened and Remus jumped. His scream died in his throat when he saw that no one was there. Through the crack he could see the empty corridor, also covered in moonlight. Oh, Merlin, was it trying to creep through there, too? Another sob welled up in the back of Remus's throat. You're mine. You're mine. You're mine.
Then the door shut of its own accord and a dark shape appeared out of thin air. "Remus?"
Remus squinted through the darkness as the figure approached. "What the… Sirius?"
He came to the bedside and his features swam into view. He was frowning. "Remus, is something wrong?"
"Sirius…" All the panic flooded out of Remus, leaving him feeling very, very stupid. He buried his face in his hands to hide himself from view, glad that Sirius was there and wishing he wasn't at the same time.
"Remus?" The mattress creaked as Sirius sat down beside him. There was a pause and then Sirius put a hand on his shoulder, shaking him slightly. "What's the matter? Are you hurt? Should I get Madam Pomfrey?"
Remus shook his head, not removing his hands.
Another hesitation. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Remus shook his head again. "Why are you here?" he asked, his voice muffled.
"I couldn't sleep, and I wanted to see if you were awake and needed company."
"You…" Remus let out a shaky laugh, his voice still stifled by his hands. It was such a Sirius thing to do; even right here, in the darkness with nothing but that wretched moon to light the room, he could always depend on Sirius to do something Sirius-like.
"Er… are you sure you're alright?" Sirius asked.
Remus lifted his hands. Sirius was sitting next to him, his face half lit by the moonlight, the other swathed in darkness. Both sides looked concerned. The mirth died on Remus's face.
"I'm fine," he said quietly, aware that Madam Pomfrey was in the room next to him. "Really. You should go back and get some sleep."
Sirius raised an eyebrow. "After that? I don't think so, Lupin, I'm not leaving you alone. Budge up."
Remus shifted so Sirius could curl up on the foot of his bed, a spot which was becoming Sirius's fast favorite.
Calm again, Remus drew his legs to his chest and rested his chin on his knees. He peered down at Sirius, who was sprawled out on the foot of the bed, staring up at him.
"Want to tell me why you were crying?" Sirius asked.
Remus looked down, embarrassment flooding him. No twelve year old boy wants to be caught crying by his best mate, even if that twelve year old boy was a monster.
"Not particularly."
"You realize that you have to, right?"
"That's what I'm afraid of."
Sirius let out a bark of laughter, and Remus kicked him lightly. "Shh, Madam Pomfrey's in her office," he whispered.
Sirius sobered. "Seriously, Remus, you can tell me. I promise I won't laugh."
Remus picked at the bandage on his arm. "It's stupid," he muttered.
"If it made you cry, it isn't stupid. Was it your ankle?"
"No, I wasn't hurt."
"Oh." Remus could practically hear Sirius thinking. "What was it, then?"
Remus shrugged without looking at him. "I was scared," he murmured.
"Of what?"
Remus couldn't answer, but his eyes shot over to the window of their own accord. Sirius followed his gaze with a deep frown.
"The window?" he asked, confused.
Remus didn't answer. He went back to picking his bandage.
Sirius stared at the window, squinting at the moonlight. Then he looked down at his legs, which were coated in white light. "Oh," he said. "The moonlight."
"I told you it was stupid," Remus said, waiting to hear Sirius's laugh.
It didn't come. "That's not stupid, Remus," Sirius said, shifting so he could look up at his friend. "I understand."
"No, you don't," Remus said. He grit his teeth, shame flooding through him. "You don't understand, James doesn't understand, Peter doesn't understand, Madam Pomfrey and Dumbledore and my parents- none of you understand! None of you know how-" His breath hitched and he stopped himself before going any further. He squeezed his eyes shut to try and hold back his tears. Now he had done it. He'd yelled at Sirius, and now Sirius was going to hate him. Well, it was about time, wasn't it?
"You're right."
Remus opened his eyes. Sirius was still looking up at him, his eyes flashing white in the reflected light of the moon.
"You're right," he repeated. "I don't understand. None of us do, not really. But we're trying. That's why I'm reading all those books. I want to understand what you're going through so I can help you."
Remus shook his head. "Those books won't help you, Sirius. I've read every single one of them. Sure, they tell you all about the medical side, the legal side, the debate over whether I'm really human or if I should be put down before I tear society apart with my bare claws- but they were all written by humans, Sirius, and they don't understand, either. No one understands." Remus shuddered, a chill creeping through him as though the temperature in the room had dropped ten degrees. "And I appreciate what you're doing- what all of you are doing- but it can't help."
Sirius shifted again. "Try me," he said.
Remus glanced over to see his friend's set face. "What?"
"Try me," Sirius repeated. "I want to understand. Make me understand. What's it like to transform? I know which bones break and how your claws form, but how does it feel?"
Remus blinked at him, caught off guard by the request. "It's- not fun," he started lamely. He waited for Sirius to make some joke about that, but the other boy was silent, staring at him from the bottom of the bed. Remus turned away, focusing instead on the patch of moonlight on the floor next to him. "I walk through the tunnel alone," he said. "It's dark and cold and filled with all sorts of bugs. I don't like bugs. Never have. And at the end of the tunnel is a trap door and I climb up and into the shack, and it's- it's horrible, Sirius. It's falling apart and scratched and blood-stained, and every piece of furniture has bite marks, and I've thrown myself at the doors enough times to make permanent dents. But it's safe, of course, and there's no way I can get out. And it's the closest thing the wolf has to a home, so it feels like- it feels like my home."
A shiver wracked Remus's body, and he kept his eyes carefully away from Sirius, afraid to see his expression, but it was as if the floodgates had opened and Remus couldn't stop now.
"And I hate that feeling, like I just walked into a place where I should feel comfortable and safe and I look around and it's just this haunted, worn-down old house, and I think to myself every time, what kind of thing thinks this place is home? What kind of monster could ever feel safe here?
"And then I take off my robes so they don't get torn when I transform and I wait. Downstairs, usually, on the floor; the wolf doesn't like stairs, and if I start up there it will just throw itself down in confusion. It's not really all that smart. At least, I don't think it is; I can't remember much afterwards, just bits and pieces, but from what I can tell the wolf is too bloodthirsty to think straight most of the time."
"What about when the moon rises?" Sirius's voice was hushed. Remus still didn't look at him as he responded.
"I can always feel it," Remus said. "As it's rising. Like this pull in my gut, I know it's coming. And when it breaks the horizon I start getting tremors all up and down my arms and legs, but it really starts when the moon rises high enough for the moonlight to seep in through the window, and then- and then-" Remus's shaky voice ground to a halt. He was staring at the moonlight on the ground with wide eyes, trembling all over. He was there, in the shack; the safety of the hospital wing was just an illusion and Sirius was there, and the moonlight was coming, and he could feel the pain in his arm and his ankles and he's starting to transform and Sirius needed to get out of here, he needs to leave before Remus-
"Remus."
Something forced his head away from the moonlight. Remus turned and locked eyes with Sirius, who was watching him with worry. Remus realized that his shoulders were heaving, and his lungs didn't seem to be working. He was hyperventilating. Was he having a panic attack? It wouldn't be the first time.
"I'm getting Madam Pomfrey," Sirius said resolutely, turning to go.
Remus caught his wrist and shook his head, trying to slow his breathing. "Don't," he gasped out. "Please. She'll- potions- I don't want-"
"You don't want a potion," Sirius completed for him. He slid back onto the bed and Remus felt his shoulders relax, relieved he wasn't going to get the matron. "Okay. Okay, I won't get her. It's okay, Remus, you're safe now, come on-"
When Remus showed no signs of calming down, Sirius gently pushed him aside and sat down next to him on the bed. He wrapped an arm around Remus's skinny shoulders. "It's okay, Remus, you're not alone."
Remus leaned against Sirius's side, relishing in the companionship, but he couldn't control his breathing. He needed to talk, though, he needed to finish what he had started, even if his breath hitched on every word.
"And then- my bones- break- and I grow claws- and fangs- and fur- and it hurts, Sirius, it really, really hurts, and I always forget how bad it hurts until it's happening-"
"Remus, you don't have to-"
"And I can feel the wolf taking over, Sirius, I can feel my own mind shutting down and the wolf taking over, and it's- it's terrible inside its head, Sirius, its mind is- it locks me up in there and I can't get out and it just wants to kill, it would kill you and James and Peter without a second thought and I wouldn't be able to do anything to stop myself and I would probably enjoy it, Sirius, I would enjoy it because I'm a monster and I'm too weak to fight back and I should be- I should be-"
Remus's hyperventilation slid neatly into sobs. He turned his head into Sirius's shoulder and felt strong hands holding onto him.
"You should be what?" he heard Sirius's quiet voice ask over his sobs.
"I should be killed!" Remus wailed, his worries about Madam Pomfrey forgotten. "You've read the books, Sirius, I should be killed! I'm not even classified as human! And every full moon I'm certain that this is the one, this'll be the one that does me in, and I'm- I'm okay with that, Sirius. And I'm weak for just giving in like that but it's the truth!"
Sirius shifted so Remus could settle more comfortably on his shoulder and let him cry. Remus buried himself in the fabric of Sirius's nightshirt and sobbed, twelve years of pent-up emotions spilling out. He had never told any of this to anyone- not to his mother, who would cry even harder than him, and surely not to his father, who avoided any mention of Remus's condition like the plague.
It felt like hours until Remus finally calmed down enough to stop crying. He sat there, leaning against Sirius's shoulder, which was wet from his tears, breathing heavily, as though he'd just run a mile.
"I understand," Sirius said quietly. "I understand now. But you're wrong."
Remus was so startled he sat up. "What?"
Sirius was staring at him, and even in the dark Remus could make out his sad expression. "You're wrong," he repeated. "You're not a monster, and you most certainly do not deserve to die. What happens to you sucks. It really does, and there's no getting around it. But it's not your fault."
Remus dropped his gaze. "I'm-"
"You're not," Sirius insisted. He shifted, turning around so he could look Remus in the face. "Name one bad thing you've done while you were human," he said.
"I-" Remus stopped. Hesitated. "I yelled at you, James, and Peter on Friday."
"Because we were being pricks and you were trying to study," Sirius said, waving him off. "Doesn't count. Continue."
Remus blinked. "I lied to you from the moment I met you."
"Because you were afraid we were going to judge you, and we might have done so if we knew about your condition right off the bat. You get a free pass for that one. Keep going."
Remus growled in irritation. "How can I do this if every time I say something you write it off?"
"Because you keep listing stuff that doesn't count!" Sirius said. He raised his eyebrows. "See? You can't even name a single legitimate reason why you're a bad person. Now, can you name all the good stuff you've done while you were human?"
Remus frowned. "Um… I don't…"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Of course you can't. I'll help you, then, shall I? One." He held up one finger. "You helped Peter with Transfiguration despite the fact that you had a fever and probably felt like jumping out the window."
"Anyone would have-"
"Two." Sirius held up another finger. "You tell James and me off for picking on everyone. Peter, Evans, even Snivellus- you've never once participated in any teasing. Ever. Even Peter's teased Snivellus and the firsties on occasion."
"That's just because I'm-"
"Three. You were late to every class the first day of school because you were busy making sure all the first years knew where their classes were, and you didn't try to fight back when McGonagall tried to give you detention for it until a Prefect swooped in."
"There were lots of other students who-"
"Four. You heard all the rumors about me the first month of school but not once did you ever outwardly judge me for it, even when I made you move to a different bed because I wanted the one by the window or when I told you to piss off when you asked if I was alright. Peter was terrified of me because I was a Black, and even James argued with me about my family, but you- you gave me a fair shot when no one else would."
"Stop." Remus rubbed his eyes. "Sirius, anyone could have done those things. You're blowing them out of proportion."
"Now, you're blowing them into proportion!" Sirius frowned. "Wait, that didn't come out right. The point is, you completely ignore everything good about yourself and focus on the one thing that isn't your fault. 'Werewolf' isn't your main personality trait, Remus! It's one little tiny aspect of you, and it's not your fault. It's unfortunate, but it's not your fault. Just once, can you try to forget about it and focus on what makes you a good human being?"
"I'm not a human being," Remus mumbled.
Sirius grabbed Remus's hand and pressed it against his own so they were palm to palm. He held them up in front of Remus's eyes, a side by comparison of their hands, Remus's tiny, bony one dwarfed by Sirus's long piano fingers.
Sirius pointed to his hand. "Human." He pointed to Remus's. "Also human."
Remus pulled away. "Not-"
"For twelve hours out of thirty days you grow some fur and you're not yourself. But for all the other hours of the month you're…" he grabbed Remus's hand again and held it up. "Human."
Remus stared at his hand as though he had never seen it before. When Sirius let go he continued to look at it, a frown on his face.
"And for all those hours you're Remus," Sirius said quietly. "A human being who likes to drink extra strong hot chocolate on weekends but only chamomile tea during the weekdays because you believe sugar is special and should be kept mostly for special days. A human being who knows exactly how to bend the rules so we're not technically breaking them and can't be put in detention. A human being who's never judged anyone without really knowing them and who's always there for his friends- friends that just want to be there for him, too."
Remus clenched his hand into a fist, still staring at it. He took a long, shaky breath, fully calm for the first time since Sirius had arrived.
"Sure, you're a little strange sometimes," Sirius continued. Remus glanced up at him, one corner of his mouth turned up in a smile. "I mean, who folds their socks? Who has the time to fold their socks? And treacle tart, come on, no one actually eats that stuff but you. And don't even get me started on that victory dance you did when you saw your exam scores last year-"
"Alright, I get it," Remus said with a laugh. "I'm a freak."
"Yeah, you are," Sirius said. He smirked. "But so am I."
"Yeah, you are."
"Hey, you're not supposed to agree with me on that!" Sirius protested, feigning indignation. "You're supposed to say, 'No you're not, Sirius! You're so cool and handsome and all the ladies love you and-'"
"I'm a good person, Sirius," Remus said somberly. "I can't lie."
Sirius narrowed his eyes, but his grin gave him away. "Don't use my pep talk against me."
"I wouldn't dream of it," said Remus. He smiled. "Thanks, Sirius."
"No problem. Now, scoot over, I'm exhausted." Sirius threw himself back against the pillows, yawning loudly. "Merlin, it's late. I left around midnight, and it must be- what- one? Two?"
Remus laid back as well, his eyelids heavy, a smile on his face. "And you've got classes in the morning," he said.
Sirius yawned again. "Nah," he said, his voice already thick with sleep. "I'm thinking about being sick tomorrow."
"You can't decide to be sick."
"I can decide to act sick."
"You're a disgrace to Hogwarts, Sirius Black."
"I'm a disgrace to a lot of things," Sirius said. He shut his eyes.
"You don't really think that, do you?" When he got no response, Remus glanced over, only to find that Sirius was fast asleep, splayed out across Remus's pillow.
Remus sighed and shut his eyes, and within seconds he was asleep, too.
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"Goodness gracious! Mr. Black, what are you doing here?"
Remus opened his eyes. Early morning sunshine filled the hospital wing, and Madam Pomfrey was standing there, her arms crossed, glaring down at him.
Remus blinked. No. Not him. He was hanging half off the bed. And the person pushing him off…
He heard a garbled groan right next to him and turned to see a foot in his face.
"Ah!"
Remus sat straight up, startled. Sirius was sprawled out next to him, his feet on the pillow, his head and arms spread eagled at the foot of the bed. He was frowning, his eyes still shut.
"Five m' minutes," he mumbled, turning away from the bright sunlight.
Madam Pomfrey's nostrils flared. "I think not!" she said, moving to shake him awake.
"I wouldn't, Madam," Remus said quickly. "He hits."
"He what?"
The door flew open with a bang. "Good morning hospital wing!" James cried, marching in. He froze when he saw what was going on. "So that's where Sirius has been!"
Sirius groaned again, throwing an arm over his eyes to cover them.
"Enough of this!" Madam Pomfrey said, moving again to touch Sirius's arm.
"Don't, Madam Pomfrey!" Peter cried, hurrying in behind James. "He hits!"
Madam Pomfrey threw her hands in the air. "It's too early for you three!" she shouted.
"I'll do it," Remus said.
"He rarely hits Remus," James agreed.
"Rarely?" asked the matron.
Remus reached out and poked Sirius's arm. He ducked at the arm that came flailing out at him and sat up again, eyes narrowed. He leaned in close to Sirius's ear and shouted, "SIRIUS BLACK!"
Sirius shouted in alarm and sat up so fast he fell off the bed, taking half the blankets with him. James fell to the ground next to him, laughing, and Peter stood in the doorway, staring at Madam Pomfrey in fear.
"Mr. Black, what are you doing in my hospital wing?" Madam Pomfrey demanded. "I have half a mind to ban you for life! Visiting hours don't start until an hour before classes, and I most certainly do not condone visitors sharing beds with patients who need all the rest they can get!"
"Aw, were you and Remus having a little nappy?" James asked with a snicker.
Sirius sat up, rubbing his head. "We were talking and we fell asleep," Sirius snapped at him.
"That's adorable."
"Potter-"
"MR. BLACK!"
Sirius turned to Madam Pomfrey, his eyes wide. The matron was seething, and Sirius seemed to realize that he was actually in trouble.
"Madam Pomfrey?"
They all turned to Remus, who was still sitting in the destroyed bed. He was staring at the matron with wide eyes. "Madam, please- Sirius came in last night with a fever, but he knew you'd been working really hard with me, and he didn't want to wake you. And then I had- I had a panic attack," Remus said, hesitating only slightly with James and Peter in the room. "And I told Sirius not to get you so he sat with me until it passed. And then we were both so tired and sick we fell asleep. It wasn't his fault, really, Madam."
Madam Pomfrey spluttered, looking back and forth from Sirius to Remus, both of whom were looking at her innocently. Then she sighed. "Come here, Mr. Black, let me feel your temperature."
Sirius scrambled to his feet and walked over to the matron. She felt his forehead and frowned. "You don't feel warm," she said.
"I feel better," Sirius said. He winced and rubbed his throat. "My throat still hurts, though. And I feel a little nauseous. And my head hurts. And-"
"He was really unwell last night, Madam," Remus interrupted before Sirius could continue.
"You'd best lie down, then," Madam Pomfrey said. "In your own bed."
Sirius scrambled into the bed next to Remus, and when the matron's back was turned, he winked at him.
"Remus," Madam Pomfrey said, walking closer to his bed with a softened expression, "you know I have things to give you for your panic attacks. I told you you could tell me, didn't I?"
Remus looked down. "Yes, Madam. I just- we knew you were so tired, and we-"
"Never worry about me, boys," Madam Pomfrey said, smiling at both of them. "I'll go fetch some potions for you two."
She turned and hurried back into her office without another word.
"You're sick, Sirius?" Peter asked, looking worried.
"Not at all," Sirius said. He grinned at Remus. "I'm impressed, Lupin."
Remus shrugged modestly. "It's all in the eyes."
"That was the most convincing acting I've ever seen out of you," James said. A grin slid onto his face. "Now, about the whole bed situation-"
"If you'd like to join us in the hospital wing, Potter, I can give you a nice bonk on the head," Sirius said with a calm smile.
Madam Pomfrey came back in with a tray of potions. "Out, you two, you can stop by again after breakfast," she told James and Peter, shooing them out. Then she started administering potions one by one.
"For your throat, dear," she told Sirius, handing him a pink one. He unstoppered it and poured it into the plant next to him when she turned to Remus to hand him his last dose of blood replenishing potion. "You'll both be out of classes for today, but you should be able to return tomorrow."
"Oh, no," Sirius said, pouring another potion into the plant. He raised his eyebrows when a puff of green smoke arose and quickly turned back to the matron to hand her the empty vial, his eyes wide. "I can't miss classes!"
"I'm afraid I'll have to insist, Mr. Black," she said firmly, packing up the empty potions. "You two try and get some rest, now. No more talking!"
"Yes, Madam Pomfrey," the two said together.
As soon as the door to her office shut they both had to bury their faces in their pillows to smother their laughter.
"Oh, no!" Remus imitated quietly, screwing up his face into a worried expression. "I can't miss classes, Madam Pomfrey!"
"He was really unwell last night, Madam!" Sirius said, throwing his hand over his face dramatically.
They doubled over.
When Sirius could talk again, he wheezed out, "Thanks for covering for me, mate. She was ready to pitch me off the astronomy tower."
"It was my fault you were here in the first place," Remus said, wiping his eyes.
"No, it wasn't. I came of my own accord."
"But-"
"No but's. Thanks for bailing me out of a situation I got myself into willingly." Sirius stretched out, sighing in contentment. "Now, if you don't mind me, I'm just going to milk this sick day for all it's worth. If I were you I would do the same."
Remus smiled slightly and leaned back against his pillows, feeling more content than ever before.
A/N: I'll either end it here or I'm thinking of including another chapter with Remus supporting Sirius; what do you guys think? Thanks for all the reviews; let me know what you think of it!